Cadence took a deep breath as she walked into the main hallway at Oak Stream for the last time her sophomore year. She was completely ready to be done with sophomore year. She had passed all of her finals it was now just a day to say goodbye to everyone before the summer ended. With her yearbook in hand, she decided that she wanted to get everyone’s signatures before the school year let out. She knew it was old school and more than likely she would see the bulk of them over the summertime anyway, but since she missed commemorating her freshmen year with any of her crew at Oak Stream, she wanted to do everything she could do to commemorate the conclusion of sophomore year. She couldn’t believe it. In only a few hours she would become an upperclassmen. That felt so strange to even think about.
She had considered asking a few teachers for their signatures but thought against it. She really wasn’t close to any of her teachers this year and she had a feeling she wouldn’t remember the bulk of them in two years time anyways. She knew one thing for sure: no matter how long she lived, she would always remember Kerass. She didn’t know if she would love him forever, but she knew she would always remember him. She was totally in love with him at the moment, but being in love forever is a long time. She couldn’t even fathom what forever would even look like.
It was then that Jay walked up behind her. Cadence smiled at him and held out her yearbook asking him if he would sign it. Jay grabbed the pen and instantly began signing it.
“Can you believe we’re going to be juniors next year?”
“Oh wow, boy do I feel old…” Jay said trailing off. Jay continued explaining that he had a lot more on his mind besides becoming an upperclassmen.
“Yeah?” Cadence said. She watched him as he froze. His eyes betrayed him. He had wanted to say something and before he let it out he changed the subject. She didn’t have time to pry and she didn’t care to either. That was all he felt comfortable sharing at the moment and that was fine.
Jay handed her yearbook back to her before he began saying that he was only saying this because he cared for Kerass. “Look, I don’t want you to be upset that I’m asking this or anything…”
“Spit it out,” Cadence said sternly.
“Do you have any feelings for Gus?”
Cadence, taken aback, couldn’t even speak. She stammered before the words finally came out. “Did Kerass ask you to ask me this?”
“You didn’t say no,” Jay said turning around and walking away from her towards the P.E. hallway. When she opened up the yearbook. The only thing that was written was H.A.G.S. which was the lamest abbreviation for have a great summer. She began to wonder if the whole yearbook idea was an idiotic mistake. Nobody else seemed to be taking it as seriously as she was.
She walked over to the sophomore hallway where to her surprise she saw Damien. She waved at him grabbing his attention. He came over toward her and smiled at her.
“Can you believe it? I’m graduating tomorrow!” Damien said beaming at her.
“I’m really happy for you Damien!” Cadence replied with the same amount of enthusiasm he had given her.
“Listen,” Cadence began asking him if he would sign her yearbook.
“I’d be honored.” In total contrast to Jay, Damien took a long time writing a lengthy note in her yearbook. Cadence stood there awkwardly waiting a solid 5 minutes as Damien kept writing and writing in her yearbook.
When he handed the yearbook back, Cadence immediately started crying. “Is this goodbye?”
Damien’s eyes showed that his heart was breaking along with hers. “Let’s not even say it flat out. Writing in your yearbook was hard enough. Would you do me a favor though?”
Cadence nodded her head not even able to talk in that instance.
“Tell Jay goodbye for me, please. Tell him I’ll always love him, I-” he paused as a tear shed down his face. “I just can’t say that to his face. Just tell him that I forgive him.”
“Why are you telling me this?” Cadence asked pointing out that they hadn’t been close all year.
“I came here for you, Cadence,” he said smiling again. “I knew then what I know now. I can always count on you.”
Damien hugged her before he walked down the hallway the last time at Oak Stream High. The weight of his goodbye hit her fully as she watched him walk away. She had loved Damien in a way that she had never loved anybody else and that fact came to mind as he turned the corner and out of sight. Her emotions began to overwhelm her. She was uncontrollably crying, so in an attempt to avoid embarrassment she wandered into the girl’s bathroom. She cried in there in an attempt to catch her breath. She didn’t know why saying goodbye to Damien was so difficult. Apart from attempting to make Kerass jealous earlier, she had pretty much avoided him all year, but he had a part of her that no one else would ever have. He had her virginity and she couldn’t understand why she was thinking about that as he was just about to graduate. Finally wiping the tears from her eyes, she had calmed down enough to step back out into the hallway.
She proceeded to walk into her Pre-IB sophomore English class. It was then that the bell rang and she sat down next to Gus who was already seated. Gus had helped her all year and she had honestly become a better student, at least at English because of it. She brought up her grade to an A by the end of the year.
“What have you got there?” Gus asked pointing at the yearbook in her hands.
“Oh, it’s just a yearbook,” Cadence said putting her hair behind her ears.
Gus’ eyes widened. “I didn’t know they still sold those. I mean, isn’t that kinda old school?”
Cadence embarrassed by what he was saying knew it was true. It was old school and practically no one else sophomore year had bought a yearbook.
“You want me to sign it?” Gus asked gentler than his previous statement. Cadence just nodded her head. She didn’t even let go of the yearbook, Gus had to reach over and grab it from her. Still embarrassed, she could sense that he felt bad about making her feel uncomfortable.
“You know, don’t worry about it, it’s cool,” Gus said. “Retro.”
Gus signed the yearbook quickly before he handed it back to Cadence. She started to pick up on what Jay had accused her of. Even though she didn’t want to admit it, she might have feelings for Gus. She knew the repercussions of her actions would not be worth it. She didn’t want to experience a falling out from Kerass again. So she avoided talking to Gus the rest of the period. As the bell rang and Gus ran out of the classroom, Cadence looked at what he had written in her yearbook. He had posed a simple question: Why don’t we go there…Gus
As the final bell of the school year rang, Kerass shot out of his desk and almost ran down the hallway fully embracing the freedom that summer brought him. Summer was his favorite time of year and he was more than ready to leave his underclassmen life behind. The mass of students left the building quicker than usual during the final day of school in an attempt to rush into summer.
Kerass stepped outside and immediately headed towards the bus. He looked around at all the students rushing towards a bus or their parked cars in the school parking lot. It would be a solid three months before he stepped back onto the school grounds again. He couldn’t believe that when he returned he would be a junior and Julia, well she would be a senior… Cadence tapped his shoulder and kissed him on the lips briefly, which surprised him. He felt uncomfortable with kissing her again knowing that he had kissed Julia in the school hallway. In fact, it had been the same exact place that he had once kissed Cadence during their freshmen year.
“What’s wrong?” Cadence asked in a hushed tone.
Kerass bit his tongue upset that his face was so readable. He had shown her that he was uncomfortable with the kiss and he silently beat himself up for being so vulnerable.
“Julia kissed me,” he finally said aloud.
Cadence’s eyes narrowed. He didn’t even want to know what she was thinking.
“And I kissed her back,” Kerass paused taking a deep breath. “But it meant absolutely nothing. It was meaningless, I swear.”
Looking at her face Kerass could tell that she was avoiding eye contact. “Say something...” he said knowing that she probably wouldn’t answer in the moment. “Please.”
Jay walked into his house ecstatic that another school year had come to a close. His dad was sitting on the couch. He was surprised to see him home so early. Fear rushed through Jay. What if his dad had gotten fired? He was too nervous to actually say anything at all.
“I found her,” his father whispered after another minute of silence.
“You don’t mean…” Jay stammered.
His father said he did. He had found her, Jay’s birth mother. “I recognized how heartbroken you were when she took off, so I hired a private investigator and he found her.”
Jay couldn’t feel anything. He couldn’t smile, he couldn’t cry, he couldn’t even move. Forcing himself against his will, he started walking saying that he had to go to her.
“You’re going to leave me, aren’t you?” his father said as his eyes glistened.
Jay looked back at his father. As much as he had been frustrated and angry at him for not telling him about the adoption, he knew that his father must care for him a lot to hire a private investigator to find her seeing how much pain it brought him. He had screwed up, but hadn’t he paid enough for his mistake? Jay didn’t want to repeat the mistakes of the past. Choosing in that moment to forgive his father, he held out his hand and said, “Come with me.”
His father smiled. After quickly packing, they headed out the door for this summer’s grand adventure. It may all be in vain because she might run out again, but it was a bonding experience they would always remember. Their car left Oak Stream as the summer was just beginning.
End of Year 2
Sunday, August 17, 2014
Sunday, August 10, 2014
Fallen Leaves - Chapter 19: Back for You
The alarm clock disturbed Jay’s slumber. It had been 3 months to the day when Damien told him that they should take a break. Slipping out of bed more depressed than ever Jay walked over to his desk pulling out his journal for the first time in months. Not only was it three months later since the break up, it was also the last week of school. Jay knew he needed to write out his thoughts.
The instant that his pen hit the paper, he couldn’t stop writing. All of his concerns about whether he would ever find love, would Damien ever be his friend, let alone his boyfriend again. His thoughts dwelled on his romantic future. The depression he was experiencing wasn’t solely because of Damien, he finally admitted after months of denial. He irrationally blamed Damien for his birth mother walking out of his life as well. While not much had changed internally inside of him during these months, most everyone had paired off again. Kerass was still his best friend, but it was only a shadow of where they had been before Jay had come out. He talked to Cadence occasionally when Kerass would bring her along to hang out. The trio became a square quickly when Cadence’s best friend Gus was brought into the group’s hangouts and very quickly Jay felt like a freak of nature. He just didn’t enjoy hanging out with big groups of people and that was deemed bizarre by everyone around him except for Kerass, but with Kerass and Cadence amazingly back together and for three months now no less, Jay never saw Kerass alone anymore.
Looking at the clock, seeing that it was 6:10, he knew he needed to grab a shower and rush out the door. He closed his journal, but kept it on his desk promising himself that he would make it a daily habit before walking out his bedroom door.
“Could you at least attempt to show a semblance of caring about how I feel?” Cadence asked Kerass. She couldn’t believe how selfish he was being.
“I don’t get what the big deal is,” Kerass began. He went on to explain that they hung out with Gus all the time. “I’ve made an effort, so what’s the big deal?”
“I want you to be his friend too.”
“We hang out don’t we?” Kerass asked incredulously.
Cadence conceded that while that may be true, they never hung out together. “It’s important to me that you be friends with my best friend.”
She watched as Kerass scratched his forehead scrunching up his face. “All right, I’ve got a proposition for you,” he began. He explained that if he went out of his way to spend some one-on-one time with Gus that it was only fair if she spent some one-on-one time with his best friend Jay. “It’d only be fair.”
“No! That’s not fair at all!” Cadence yelled at him afraid to speak the truth.
“Why not?”
“Kerass, Jay is a total creepass.”
“What?!” Kerass exclaimed.
“He’s obsessed with you,” Cadence said. She continued saying that the way he looked at Kerass and the way he acted around Kerass was a red flag of co-dependency. “And Kerass, you can’t satisfy him the way that he wants you too. He’s just-”
“My best friend, ok?” Kerass looked down on her which made her feel small and insignificant. “I forgave him for all that stuff. Sure he’s a little clingy, but he’s my best friend, what’s so wrong with that?”
“You’re letting your history with him blind what the real problem is.”
“If you don’t then there’s no way I’m going out of my way to chill with Gus alone, all right?”
“Fine, I’ll do it, but don’t say I didn’t warn you,” Cadence said before storming off. Her anger rose with each step. She was stepping into English class focusing all of her anger onto Cry the Beloved Country…anger always made for the best class discussions. She would definitely get her full participation points.
Damien walked down the sophomore hallway. The place seemed foreign after he had avoided it like the plague post-break up. Although he had said they were only taking a break, he knew the following morning that it was over. He was walking over to Jay to let him know that that was the end. Jay’s surprise read all over his face and Damien instantly regretted the decision to come over. Jay’s face was filled with hope when he saw Damien.
“How are you?” Damien asked.
“I, I’m,” Jay paused taking a breath. “I’m doing well, how are you?”
“I’m fine. I chose to attend Dowden Terrace College. Orientation begins in 2 weeks.”
“That’s awesome!” Jay said. He continued to say that he knew he’d make a decision eventually. “I’m really happy for you.”
“Listen-”
“Is there any hope for us? I mean,” Jay paused running his hand over his spiky hair, “can we even be friends?”
“I don’t think so.”
A single tear started to fall down Jay’s face.
Damien continued to say, “I didn’t come back for you. I came here to tell you goodbye. I hope everything works out for you, I really do.”
Looking at Jay who was breathing heavily, attempting to slow down the tears, he didn’t know what else to say so he uttered the only word on his mind, “Bye.”
Damien turned around and walked over to the junior hallway, which was just a hallway over. Julia smiled at him as he walked over toward her locker. Not only had Julia become his friend, Julia had become his best friend. Her face fell as he walked closer to her.
“You ended it, didn’t you?” she whispered to him.
He nodded adding, “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“You are such a chick, I love it!”
Damien’s eyes alit with fire. Sure, he was gay, but he was the farthest thing from a chick.
“It’s so cool having a gay best friend,” Julia added smiling at him. She leaned forward to hug him but he put his hand up preventing her.
“Stop!” he said surprised at the volume of his voice. His breaths became short as his anger rose.
“I’m sorry, I,” Julia paused, “I don’t understand.”
“Why do I have to be your gay best friend, huh?” Damien continued asking why he couldn’t just be her best friend. “Why are you stereotyping me? You know that I’m the farthest thing from the gay stereotypes. I hate being labeled like that so just stop it!”
“I didn’t think it was a problem.”
“That’s right, you didn’t think at all,” Damien said sighing with frustration. “Could you like attempt to have empathy just this once?”
“I have that, but this is the first time you’ve mentioned it before!”
Damien calmed himself down seeing that she was completely oblivious. He mentioned to her that he was being super sensitive having broken up with Jay. “I just thought you would have thought about it more.”
“Fine, I won’t do it again,” Julia said gently.
“All right,” Damien said beginning to walk away. Julia’s voice stopped him as he headed toward first period. She asked him if they were cool. Damien turned around and said, “Yeah, we’re cool.”
“Then, why don’t I believe you?” Julia asked.
“Just forget it,” Damien said and walked away blocking out everything else she called out after him.
Kerass couldn’t believe he was doing this. He walked inside the comic book store on Main Street after the school day had ended. He had never been into anything geeky like comic books. He was walking in an uncharted landscape and he couldn’t help but feel like he was in enemy territory. Kerass was a jock in the strictest sense of the term. The junior varsity football team was just as successful as the freshman football team had been last year all thanks to Kerass. Noticing no one was at the counter, he decided to walk around looking through the isles of all the various bizarre comic books. They all seemed to be the exact same premise, none of them was uniquely different, and he couldn’t understand the appeal anyone would have for any of these so-called superheroes.
Out of his periphery vision, Kerass noticed Gus walk up to the counter. Gus’ mouth dropped when he saw Kerass in the comic book store. “You don’t have to look so surprised,” Kerass said, but he knew full well that it was a shock.
“Sorry, it’s just…wow,” Gus said shaking his head in disbelief. “You finally got bit by the superhero bug, didn’t you?”
“No, actually, I came here to speak with you.”
Gus was clearly avoiding his eye contact. Gus had just made the whole situation 10 times more uncomfortable. “What about?”
“Do you like, I don’t know,” Kerass said trailing off. This didn’t feel right at all, but he promised Cadence he would and he always held onto his promises. “Do you want to, you know, like chill?”
“I, uh…” Gus began. He clearly lacked the usual confidence that he exuded. Kerass had never seen him like this, but he couldn’t deny it was hilarious watching Gus squirm. Kerass thought Gus must not be comfortable on his home turf inside a comic book store.
“I guess so. I guess we could do that, yeah,” Gus finally stated his answer.
“Cool, well I guess I’ll check with you later then?” Kerass asked. He continued to clarify that they could come up with a time and place at school the next day.
“Yeah, that sounds good,” Gus replied timidly.
It was so obvious that Gus wanted Kerass to leave as quickly as possible. Not wanting to extend the uncomfortable tension any longer, Kerass saluted Gus as he walked out of the comic book store. He couldn’t get a grasp on who Gus really was and while that had bothered him in the past, he didn’t really mind it much anymore. Gus did his own thing and that was cool, but there were obviously some elements of his personality that he kept guarded that he had more trouble guarding at the comic book store. Curiosity got the better of him…he decided he wanted to get Gus into that vulnerable state where he could no longer hide and then and only then would Kerass be comfortable being Gus’ friend.
Julia stood still behind the school stairwell the following day waiting for Kerass to walk past. It was only a matter of time before he would eventually walk past her. Although things with Damien the other day had ended unpleasantly, Damien had previously encouraged her to pursue what made her happy and Kerass was her answer to happiness. She saw him as he began walking down the hallway. She instantly grabbed Kerass and pulled him behind the stairwell where she proceeded to make out with him. He didn’t push her off to her surprise…his body relaxed as they continued kissing each other.
The instant that his pen hit the paper, he couldn’t stop writing. All of his concerns about whether he would ever find love, would Damien ever be his friend, let alone his boyfriend again. His thoughts dwelled on his romantic future. The depression he was experiencing wasn’t solely because of Damien, he finally admitted after months of denial. He irrationally blamed Damien for his birth mother walking out of his life as well. While not much had changed internally inside of him during these months, most everyone had paired off again. Kerass was still his best friend, but it was only a shadow of where they had been before Jay had come out. He talked to Cadence occasionally when Kerass would bring her along to hang out. The trio became a square quickly when Cadence’s best friend Gus was brought into the group’s hangouts and very quickly Jay felt like a freak of nature. He just didn’t enjoy hanging out with big groups of people and that was deemed bizarre by everyone around him except for Kerass, but with Kerass and Cadence amazingly back together and for three months now no less, Jay never saw Kerass alone anymore.
Looking at the clock, seeing that it was 6:10, he knew he needed to grab a shower and rush out the door. He closed his journal, but kept it on his desk promising himself that he would make it a daily habit before walking out his bedroom door.
“Could you at least attempt to show a semblance of caring about how I feel?” Cadence asked Kerass. She couldn’t believe how selfish he was being.
“I don’t get what the big deal is,” Kerass began. He went on to explain that they hung out with Gus all the time. “I’ve made an effort, so what’s the big deal?”
“I want you to be his friend too.”
“We hang out don’t we?” Kerass asked incredulously.
Cadence conceded that while that may be true, they never hung out together. “It’s important to me that you be friends with my best friend.”
She watched as Kerass scratched his forehead scrunching up his face. “All right, I’ve got a proposition for you,” he began. He explained that if he went out of his way to spend some one-on-one time with Gus that it was only fair if she spent some one-on-one time with his best friend Jay. “It’d only be fair.”
“No! That’s not fair at all!” Cadence yelled at him afraid to speak the truth.
“Why not?”
“Kerass, Jay is a total creepass.”
“What?!” Kerass exclaimed.
“He’s obsessed with you,” Cadence said. She continued saying that the way he looked at Kerass and the way he acted around Kerass was a red flag of co-dependency. “And Kerass, you can’t satisfy him the way that he wants you too. He’s just-”
“My best friend, ok?” Kerass looked down on her which made her feel small and insignificant. “I forgave him for all that stuff. Sure he’s a little clingy, but he’s my best friend, what’s so wrong with that?”
“You’re letting your history with him blind what the real problem is.”
“If you don’t then there’s no way I’m going out of my way to chill with Gus alone, all right?”
“Fine, I’ll do it, but don’t say I didn’t warn you,” Cadence said before storming off. Her anger rose with each step. She was stepping into English class focusing all of her anger onto Cry the Beloved Country…anger always made for the best class discussions. She would definitely get her full participation points.
Damien walked down the sophomore hallway. The place seemed foreign after he had avoided it like the plague post-break up. Although he had said they were only taking a break, he knew the following morning that it was over. He was walking over to Jay to let him know that that was the end. Jay’s surprise read all over his face and Damien instantly regretted the decision to come over. Jay’s face was filled with hope when he saw Damien.
“How are you?” Damien asked.
“I, I’m,” Jay paused taking a breath. “I’m doing well, how are you?”
“I’m fine. I chose to attend Dowden Terrace College. Orientation begins in 2 weeks.”
“That’s awesome!” Jay said. He continued to say that he knew he’d make a decision eventually. “I’m really happy for you.”
“Listen-”
“Is there any hope for us? I mean,” Jay paused running his hand over his spiky hair, “can we even be friends?”
“I don’t think so.”
A single tear started to fall down Jay’s face.
Damien continued to say, “I didn’t come back for you. I came here to tell you goodbye. I hope everything works out for you, I really do.”
Looking at Jay who was breathing heavily, attempting to slow down the tears, he didn’t know what else to say so he uttered the only word on his mind, “Bye.”
Damien turned around and walked over to the junior hallway, which was just a hallway over. Julia smiled at him as he walked over toward her locker. Not only had Julia become his friend, Julia had become his best friend. Her face fell as he walked closer to her.
“You ended it, didn’t you?” she whispered to him.
He nodded adding, “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“You are such a chick, I love it!”
Damien’s eyes alit with fire. Sure, he was gay, but he was the farthest thing from a chick.
“It’s so cool having a gay best friend,” Julia added smiling at him. She leaned forward to hug him but he put his hand up preventing her.
“Stop!” he said surprised at the volume of his voice. His breaths became short as his anger rose.
“I’m sorry, I,” Julia paused, “I don’t understand.”
“Why do I have to be your gay best friend, huh?” Damien continued asking why he couldn’t just be her best friend. “Why are you stereotyping me? You know that I’m the farthest thing from the gay stereotypes. I hate being labeled like that so just stop it!”
“I didn’t think it was a problem.”
“That’s right, you didn’t think at all,” Damien said sighing with frustration. “Could you like attempt to have empathy just this once?”
“I have that, but this is the first time you’ve mentioned it before!”
Damien calmed himself down seeing that she was completely oblivious. He mentioned to her that he was being super sensitive having broken up with Jay. “I just thought you would have thought about it more.”
“Fine, I won’t do it again,” Julia said gently.
“All right,” Damien said beginning to walk away. Julia’s voice stopped him as he headed toward first period. She asked him if they were cool. Damien turned around and said, “Yeah, we’re cool.”
“Then, why don’t I believe you?” Julia asked.
“Just forget it,” Damien said and walked away blocking out everything else she called out after him.
Kerass couldn’t believe he was doing this. He walked inside the comic book store on Main Street after the school day had ended. He had never been into anything geeky like comic books. He was walking in an uncharted landscape and he couldn’t help but feel like he was in enemy territory. Kerass was a jock in the strictest sense of the term. The junior varsity football team was just as successful as the freshman football team had been last year all thanks to Kerass. Noticing no one was at the counter, he decided to walk around looking through the isles of all the various bizarre comic books. They all seemed to be the exact same premise, none of them was uniquely different, and he couldn’t understand the appeal anyone would have for any of these so-called superheroes.
Out of his periphery vision, Kerass noticed Gus walk up to the counter. Gus’ mouth dropped when he saw Kerass in the comic book store. “You don’t have to look so surprised,” Kerass said, but he knew full well that it was a shock.
“Sorry, it’s just…wow,” Gus said shaking his head in disbelief. “You finally got bit by the superhero bug, didn’t you?”
“No, actually, I came here to speak with you.”
Gus was clearly avoiding his eye contact. Gus had just made the whole situation 10 times more uncomfortable. “What about?”
“Do you like, I don’t know,” Kerass said trailing off. This didn’t feel right at all, but he promised Cadence he would and he always held onto his promises. “Do you want to, you know, like chill?”
“I, uh…” Gus began. He clearly lacked the usual confidence that he exuded. Kerass had never seen him like this, but he couldn’t deny it was hilarious watching Gus squirm. Kerass thought Gus must not be comfortable on his home turf inside a comic book store.
“I guess so. I guess we could do that, yeah,” Gus finally stated his answer.
“Cool, well I guess I’ll check with you later then?” Kerass asked. He continued to clarify that they could come up with a time and place at school the next day.
“Yeah, that sounds good,” Gus replied timidly.
It was so obvious that Gus wanted Kerass to leave as quickly as possible. Not wanting to extend the uncomfortable tension any longer, Kerass saluted Gus as he walked out of the comic book store. He couldn’t get a grasp on who Gus really was and while that had bothered him in the past, he didn’t really mind it much anymore. Gus did his own thing and that was cool, but there were obviously some elements of his personality that he kept guarded that he had more trouble guarding at the comic book store. Curiosity got the better of him…he decided he wanted to get Gus into that vulnerable state where he could no longer hide and then and only then would Kerass be comfortable being Gus’ friend.
Julia stood still behind the school stairwell the following day waiting for Kerass to walk past. It was only a matter of time before he would eventually walk past her. Although things with Damien the other day had ended unpleasantly, Damien had previously encouraged her to pursue what made her happy and Kerass was her answer to happiness. She saw him as he began walking down the hallway. She instantly grabbed Kerass and pulled him behind the stairwell where she proceeded to make out with him. He didn’t push her off to her surprise…his body relaxed as they continued kissing each other.
Sunday, August 3, 2014
Fallen Leaves - Chapter 18: Tell Me A Lie
Damien grabbed Jay’s shoulder physically removing him from the band walking him to the parking lot. Jay yelled in protest screaming that Damien was hurting his arm.
“What is this?” Damien asked quietly holding up the photo of Kerass in the speedo. His eyes pierced Jay’s with a fiery rage. “Huh? Have you been cheating on me?” Damien asked his voice raising.
“No! Of course not...” Jay said pausing. “I took those before I started dating you.”
Damien said ok taking a deep breath before continuing. “Then why do you still have them on your phone and why are there 5 of them?”
“It’s not what you think, it’s-”
“Worse,” Damien finished Jay’s sentence. “Yeah, you bet it is.”
Jay explained that he had forgotten about the photos and they were just a means to release. “I mean you know…you didn’t come out until after I was out for nearly a whole year. You’ve got to release those desires somehow.”
Damien didn’t believe him. It would have been different if it was a different guy but not with Kerass. Kerass was attractive, not as attractive as Damien viewed himself, but still attractive nonetheless. Kerass also had an air of innocence about him that Damien obviously didn’t have.
Sighing, Damien finally said, “Why have you been lying to me?”
“Why are you so paranoid? Did he tell you about my father?” Jay asked.
Damien’s eyes widened. He had no idea what Jay was talking about. Did he even know Jay at all? “What about your father?”
“Forget it.” Jay continued saying that it wasn’t important.
Damien looked at Jay with a look he never thought he would have given Jay, a look of unadulterated hatred.
“Fine, I’ll tell you, just don’t look at me like that ever again,” Jay conceded. “My father adopted me. I told no one about it for a while and then I told Kerass about it.”
“How could you not tell me something so important!” Damien exclaimed flabbergasted. “I’m your boyfriend. I should’ve been the first person you told. How could you tell Kerass before me! Do I mean so little to you?”
“It was nothing!” Jay explained that it was all innocence and he only blabbed to try to maintain a friendship with Kerass. “We hadn’t been close in a while and it obviously opened up our friendship again.”
“Are you finished?” Damien asked agitated.
Jay sighed before he said, “We’re breaking up, aren’t we?”
Damien closed his eyes taking a deep breath before speaking. “No, not officially at least.” Damien told Jay that despite all of this he still loved him. “I just need time to trust you again. We’re not breaking up, but we are taking time apart.”
“We’re taking a break?” Jay asked a single tear falling down his face.
Damien nodded his head before walking away. He didn’t look back. He wanted to punish Jay for withholding so many secrets from him and his mind was still fuming. He desired to exact revenge against Jay, but Damien wasn’t that kind of guy, at least he hadn’t been ever since he came out. Damien began to doubt himself. He didn’t know if he believed anything could be known anymore. It all just seemed so meaningless.
Kerass jumped into the school’s swimming pool. The pool was only used by the swim team. The water was extremely appealing to Kerass. What began last year as a last ditch effort to avoid time alone with his father turned into a hobby he quite enjoyed. He wasn’t a great swimmer like he was a great football player, but he enjoyed swimming a lot more than he enjoyed the football field. Part of it was rebellion against his father who didn’t view swimming as a manly sport, or even viewed it as a sport for that matter, but even the thrills of teenage rebellion could only distract Kerass so much from the water. Kerass felt alive in the water.
By the time he completed his first lap, Gus was standing over his lane. “Can you come up? I want to say something to you,” Gus said.
Kerass got out of the pool upset by the fact that Gus didn’t offer his hand to help him out of the pool but he got over that initial frustration quickly. “What’s going on?”
“Is it true?” Gus asked.
“I beg your pardon?” Kerass asked bewildered.
“Are you seriously that stupid to think that-”
Kerass immediately offended cut Gus off shouting, “Hey! I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about!”
“Cadence, man. Are you going to go out with Cadence again?”
“Maybe…what’s it matter to you?” Kerass asked testy.
“So it is true.”
“No,” Kerass said admitting defeat adding that she hadn’t given him her answer yet.
“Don’t be an idiot. You’d be foolish to go out with her again.”
“You’re jealous, aren’t you?” Kerass said finally realizing why Gus was there.
“No…I don’t want to be near that girl. She’s not who you think she is.”
“Then who is she?”
“I’m not at liberty to say,” Gus replied.
“You are so full of it.”
“Hey, it’s the way I tell the story.”
“You’re not making any sense at all,” Kerass said. He asked why he should listen to him.
“Just tread lightly. You’re about to fall into the deep end.”
“You’re using a pool analogy on me…” Kerass said mockingly.
“Hey, it was the best I could do considering the circumstances. Just be cautious,” Gus said before walking out.
Kerass felt the whole encounter was pointless and didn’t make any sense. To relieve his mind of the utter stupidity of the encounter he dived back into the pool to do another lap.
Julia drove into the school parking lot the following morning. She pulled in right next to Damien who was crying inside his truck. She got out of her car filled with empathy and opened the door to Damien’s truck sitting down in the passenger seat. Damien looked up ashamed. He coyly attempted wiping tears away from his eyes.
“There’s nothing to be embarrassed about,” Julia said.
“No one was supposed to see me like this,” Damien responded gruffly. He then proceeded to yell at her demanding to know why she stepped into his truck uninvited.
“I wasn’t going to just do nothing,” she began. She continued saying that he couldn’t keep her away. “Besides, I think I know how you feel.”
“Lies…”
“Would you rather tell me a lie?”
Damien looked over at her and shook his head.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Julia asked gingerly.
“Obviously not seeing as I didn’t want anybody to see me like this!” Damien snapped back at Julia.
“Please.”
Damien’s lip quivered before he started talking again. Julia hated to admit it, but seeing him cry made her feel incredibly uncomfortable. She empathized with him, but it was difficult sitting still watching him cry. It made her antsy.
“I don’t know who I am without Jay,” he said. He continued saying that he had given Jay everything: time, attention, he didn’t have friends outside of the relationship, and his relationship with his parents suffered. He said he had gotten lost in Jay. “Jay was my whole world. I don’t even know who I am anymore.”
“I’ll be your friend,” Julia offered.
Damien locked eyes with her before saying, “I’d like that.”
Jay had his hand on the doorknob before he heard his father calling him. With his index finger, his father motioned him over.
“I saw Dianne Lesley at your marching band competition.”
“You know, don’t you?” Jay asked.
Jay’s father nodded his head. It didn’t even occur to Jay that his adopted father might run into his birth mother at the competition. How could he have been so stupid!
“Jay, sit down please.”
Jay sat down. He didn’t think he wanted to hear what his father had to say but curiosity got the better of him.
The story his father told astonished him. His father was a gay man who wanted kids but none of his romantic partners desired to have kids and split with him before he could do anything about adoption. He met Lesley on a whim who sympathized with his story but asked that if he adopted the child that he ensured that the child never reached out to her. Being a single father meant that his love life vanished all together but he didn’t regret the decision one bit. His desire to be romantically linked with a man had gone away because of his overwhelming love for his son.
“Are you insinuating that it’s just a phase?” Jay asked.
“No, no, not at all,” his father said with a chuckle. “All I’m saying is that the feelings come and go in phases and for me the times I desire it are far fewer then when I’m totally content with where I’m at.”
“Thanks for sharing Dad.” Jay said with a newfound respect for his father. His father hugged him and told Jay that he loved him no matter what.
Jay then bolted out of the house racing toward the bus stop recognizing that he was going to be late for school. While he respected his father for his honesty he was convinced his dad was suppressing his true homosexual desires. What he said about it coming and going in phases was a load of crap. His father had to be lying to himself…it didn’t make sense any other way.
Cadence walked over to Kerass’ locker holding his outstretched hand. Not a word was said, but they both knew what this meant. The answer was yes and they were officially dating again. Neither Julia nor Damien could keep them apart. Kerass tucked her hair behind her ear and smiled. She felt gorgeous in his eyes. She leaned forward to kiss him, but he held his finger to her lips.
“Is this a mistake?” Kerass asked latent with doubt.
“Don’t fight it,” Cadence responded as their lips locked.
After the initial shock of hearing Jay’s father’s thoughts that homosexuality came in phases, Jay remembered that he said Dianne had asked for him, her own flesh and blood, to not contact her. That couldn’t be true. There had to be a mistake. Maybe she had meant she didn’t want to be contacted during school hours. He needed clarification and he needed it fast.
Without thinking he went straight towards the guidance counselors hallway. First block could wait. He walked straight down the hallway without even giving the receptionist a look. He stopped at her door. He knocked…no response. He knocked again, still there was nothing. He knocked a third time opening the door. The room was completely empty. Everything had been packed up and relocated before school started the Monday after the marching band competition. He looked at the door and noticed that even her nametag had been removed.
“What is this?” Damien asked quietly holding up the photo of Kerass in the speedo. His eyes pierced Jay’s with a fiery rage. “Huh? Have you been cheating on me?” Damien asked his voice raising.
“No! Of course not...” Jay said pausing. “I took those before I started dating you.”
Damien said ok taking a deep breath before continuing. “Then why do you still have them on your phone and why are there 5 of them?”
“It’s not what you think, it’s-”
“Worse,” Damien finished Jay’s sentence. “Yeah, you bet it is.”
Jay explained that he had forgotten about the photos and they were just a means to release. “I mean you know…you didn’t come out until after I was out for nearly a whole year. You’ve got to release those desires somehow.”
Damien didn’t believe him. It would have been different if it was a different guy but not with Kerass. Kerass was attractive, not as attractive as Damien viewed himself, but still attractive nonetheless. Kerass also had an air of innocence about him that Damien obviously didn’t have.
Sighing, Damien finally said, “Why have you been lying to me?”
“Why are you so paranoid? Did he tell you about my father?” Jay asked.
Damien’s eyes widened. He had no idea what Jay was talking about. Did he even know Jay at all? “What about your father?”
“Forget it.” Jay continued saying that it wasn’t important.
Damien looked at Jay with a look he never thought he would have given Jay, a look of unadulterated hatred.
“Fine, I’ll tell you, just don’t look at me like that ever again,” Jay conceded. “My father adopted me. I told no one about it for a while and then I told Kerass about it.”
“How could you not tell me something so important!” Damien exclaimed flabbergasted. “I’m your boyfriend. I should’ve been the first person you told. How could you tell Kerass before me! Do I mean so little to you?”
“It was nothing!” Jay explained that it was all innocence and he only blabbed to try to maintain a friendship with Kerass. “We hadn’t been close in a while and it obviously opened up our friendship again.”
“Are you finished?” Damien asked agitated.
Jay sighed before he said, “We’re breaking up, aren’t we?”
Damien closed his eyes taking a deep breath before speaking. “No, not officially at least.” Damien told Jay that despite all of this he still loved him. “I just need time to trust you again. We’re not breaking up, but we are taking time apart.”
“We’re taking a break?” Jay asked a single tear falling down his face.
Damien nodded his head before walking away. He didn’t look back. He wanted to punish Jay for withholding so many secrets from him and his mind was still fuming. He desired to exact revenge against Jay, but Damien wasn’t that kind of guy, at least he hadn’t been ever since he came out. Damien began to doubt himself. He didn’t know if he believed anything could be known anymore. It all just seemed so meaningless.
Kerass jumped into the school’s swimming pool. The pool was only used by the swim team. The water was extremely appealing to Kerass. What began last year as a last ditch effort to avoid time alone with his father turned into a hobby he quite enjoyed. He wasn’t a great swimmer like he was a great football player, but he enjoyed swimming a lot more than he enjoyed the football field. Part of it was rebellion against his father who didn’t view swimming as a manly sport, or even viewed it as a sport for that matter, but even the thrills of teenage rebellion could only distract Kerass so much from the water. Kerass felt alive in the water.
By the time he completed his first lap, Gus was standing over his lane. “Can you come up? I want to say something to you,” Gus said.
Kerass got out of the pool upset by the fact that Gus didn’t offer his hand to help him out of the pool but he got over that initial frustration quickly. “What’s going on?”
“Is it true?” Gus asked.
“I beg your pardon?” Kerass asked bewildered.
“Are you seriously that stupid to think that-”
Kerass immediately offended cut Gus off shouting, “Hey! I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about!”
“Cadence, man. Are you going to go out with Cadence again?”
“Maybe…what’s it matter to you?” Kerass asked testy.
“So it is true.”
“No,” Kerass said admitting defeat adding that she hadn’t given him her answer yet.
“Don’t be an idiot. You’d be foolish to go out with her again.”
“You’re jealous, aren’t you?” Kerass said finally realizing why Gus was there.
“No…I don’t want to be near that girl. She’s not who you think she is.”
“Then who is she?”
“I’m not at liberty to say,” Gus replied.
“You are so full of it.”
“Hey, it’s the way I tell the story.”
“You’re not making any sense at all,” Kerass said. He asked why he should listen to him.
“Just tread lightly. You’re about to fall into the deep end.”
“You’re using a pool analogy on me…” Kerass said mockingly.
“Hey, it was the best I could do considering the circumstances. Just be cautious,” Gus said before walking out.
Kerass felt the whole encounter was pointless and didn’t make any sense. To relieve his mind of the utter stupidity of the encounter he dived back into the pool to do another lap.
Julia drove into the school parking lot the following morning. She pulled in right next to Damien who was crying inside his truck. She got out of her car filled with empathy and opened the door to Damien’s truck sitting down in the passenger seat. Damien looked up ashamed. He coyly attempted wiping tears away from his eyes.
“There’s nothing to be embarrassed about,” Julia said.
“No one was supposed to see me like this,” Damien responded gruffly. He then proceeded to yell at her demanding to know why she stepped into his truck uninvited.
“I wasn’t going to just do nothing,” she began. She continued saying that he couldn’t keep her away. “Besides, I think I know how you feel.”
“Lies…”
“Would you rather tell me a lie?”
Damien looked over at her and shook his head.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Julia asked gingerly.
“Obviously not seeing as I didn’t want anybody to see me like this!” Damien snapped back at Julia.
“Please.”
Damien’s lip quivered before he started talking again. Julia hated to admit it, but seeing him cry made her feel incredibly uncomfortable. She empathized with him, but it was difficult sitting still watching him cry. It made her antsy.
“I don’t know who I am without Jay,” he said. He continued saying that he had given Jay everything: time, attention, he didn’t have friends outside of the relationship, and his relationship with his parents suffered. He said he had gotten lost in Jay. “Jay was my whole world. I don’t even know who I am anymore.”
“I’ll be your friend,” Julia offered.
Damien locked eyes with her before saying, “I’d like that.”
Jay had his hand on the doorknob before he heard his father calling him. With his index finger, his father motioned him over.
“I saw Dianne Lesley at your marching band competition.”
“You know, don’t you?” Jay asked.
Jay’s father nodded his head. It didn’t even occur to Jay that his adopted father might run into his birth mother at the competition. How could he have been so stupid!
“Jay, sit down please.”
Jay sat down. He didn’t think he wanted to hear what his father had to say but curiosity got the better of him.
The story his father told astonished him. His father was a gay man who wanted kids but none of his romantic partners desired to have kids and split with him before he could do anything about adoption. He met Lesley on a whim who sympathized with his story but asked that if he adopted the child that he ensured that the child never reached out to her. Being a single father meant that his love life vanished all together but he didn’t regret the decision one bit. His desire to be romantically linked with a man had gone away because of his overwhelming love for his son.
“Are you insinuating that it’s just a phase?” Jay asked.
“No, no, not at all,” his father said with a chuckle. “All I’m saying is that the feelings come and go in phases and for me the times I desire it are far fewer then when I’m totally content with where I’m at.”
“Thanks for sharing Dad.” Jay said with a newfound respect for his father. His father hugged him and told Jay that he loved him no matter what.
Jay then bolted out of the house racing toward the bus stop recognizing that he was going to be late for school. While he respected his father for his honesty he was convinced his dad was suppressing his true homosexual desires. What he said about it coming and going in phases was a load of crap. His father had to be lying to himself…it didn’t make sense any other way.
Cadence walked over to Kerass’ locker holding his outstretched hand. Not a word was said, but they both knew what this meant. The answer was yes and they were officially dating again. Neither Julia nor Damien could keep them apart. Kerass tucked her hair behind her ear and smiled. She felt gorgeous in his eyes. She leaned forward to kiss him, but he held his finger to her lips.
“Is this a mistake?” Kerass asked latent with doubt.
“Don’t fight it,” Cadence responded as their lips locked.
After the initial shock of hearing Jay’s father’s thoughts that homosexuality came in phases, Jay remembered that he said Dianne had asked for him, her own flesh and blood, to not contact her. That couldn’t be true. There had to be a mistake. Maybe she had meant she didn’t want to be contacted during school hours. He needed clarification and he needed it fast.
Without thinking he went straight towards the guidance counselors hallway. First block could wait. He walked straight down the hallway without even giving the receptionist a look. He stopped at her door. He knocked…no response. He knocked again, still there was nothing. He knocked a third time opening the door. The room was completely empty. Everything had been packed up and relocated before school started the Monday after the marching band competition. He looked at the door and noticed that even her nametag had been removed.
Sunday, July 27, 2014
Fallen Leaves - Chapter 17: Little White Lies
Jay walked into Dianne Lesley’s office taking a deep breath before he sat down. She looked at him. It almost seemed like she recognized him before she asked him if she knew him.
“No,” Jay replied. Everything inside of him was screaming to say something, but his mouth wouldn’t open.
“Are you a freshman or a transfer student?” Dianne asked.
“No, I-” he paused recognizing that this was a mistake. “I don’t know why I’m here. Sorry to have bothered you.”
His hand was on the doorknob to leave before he turned around and said, “Listen, I know I’m not one of your students, but I’ve heard you were way cool,” he said. He continued asking her if she would be willing to see the marching band’s final performance.
“Sure, I’d love to!” she exclaimed with more enthusiasm than Jay had anticipated.
“Great…I guess,” he paused not sure of the right thing to say in response, “I’ll just see you there then.”
“Yeah, maybe,” she said. She confirmed she’d definitely watch the performance but she might not actually see him in person.
“Cool,” Jay said. He couldn’t help but smile. She was more gorgeous than he had ever imagined her to be.
“Don’t you have class to head off to?”
Jay nodded and immediately ran out the door. The first encounter was immensely awkward, which was disappointing. He didn’t know what to expect and he couldn’t bring himself to flat out tell her he was her son, but he had put himself on her radar at the very least. As far as first encounters go, he counted that one as extremely successful.
The bus was 10 minutes late the following morning which completely drove Kerass up the wall. When the doors opened this time he chose to walk on first thing. He didn’t want to wait to get on the bus and once again he went to the back, but this time Gus wasn’t sitting there. In fact Gus wasn’t on the bus at all. Kerass didn’t know what to think or why he even cared whether Gus was at school or not. He found himself jumping to the conclusion that Gus was ditching school for the day. It was all just whatever though. He might actually get some sleep this morning.
The bus pulled into the next stop. Cadence walked onto the bus looking down at her feet avoiding eye contact. Kerass held his breath. She was stunningly beautiful. He had forgotten that. Her lack of confidence made her all the more enticing and he wasn’t sure why. The sun reflected off of her shoulder length hair which swished side to side as she sat at the front of the bus. He couldn’t believe it, but he felt like he was falling in love with Cadence all over again. He instantly flashed back to the time when he first sat next to her on the bus and told her that he could save the peer support group. Her heart for helping others was always commendable, but he started to realize that it wasn’t only to help others…it was to help herself. Kerass’ heart broke. He had pushed her away when she had needed him most and he had ignored her for the bulk of the school year too. He had to say something, but not only could he not speak, his feet wouldn’t move. It was like they were cemented to the floor of the bus. A single tear fell down her face. The only thing he wanted to do was to wipe that tear off of her face and kiss her.
The bus came to a stop but the doors didn’t open. They weren’t even at the next stop. The bus driver said over the intercom that the bus had broken down and that another bus was coming to pick them all up. Everyone on the bus groaned in unison before the whole bus alit with excitement about whether they might be excused from their first period.
Kerass was up and walking and before he knew it he was standing next to Cadence’s seat looking down at her. She looked up at him not fully giving eye contact. He asked her if she minded if he sat there. “I’d love someone to chat with while we wait for the other bus.”
“Not at all,” Cadence said moving her backpack off the seat and setting it underneath her feet.
“So,” Kerass said letting out a heavy breath.
“So,” Cadence nodded in agreement.
She seemed like she was off in her own little world. It seemed like she was intentionally ignoring him. All that passive aggressive bull.
“A bus doesn’t break down every day, huh?” he said knowing he was stretching for a conversation starter.
“Actually a bus does break down every day. Multiple buses break down daily considering how many buses there are in the world.”
That conversation ended before it even started. Kerass began to regret sitting down next to Cadence. The words were on the tip of his tongue, but he just couldn’t let them out no matter how hard he tried.
“Why are you here, Kerass?”
The question took him off guard. Not knowing what else to say the truth came out much faster than he had anticipated. “I still have feelings for you Cadence.”
She locked eyes with him. She had control now and he knew it. She said nothing in reply. She simply looked out the window.
The drive to the competition that weekend was a lot longer than Damien had anticipated. It took a total of an hour and a half to reach Jay’s marching band competition. The whole way there the only thing he could think of was this was the last time he would readily be able to watch Jay perform. He was graduating this year and that meant that this would be the end of the road for the two of them. Damien didn’t really believe in long distance relationships, but who was he kidding…he was completely in love with Jay. He had to make it work. He just had to.
Sitting in the car before he decided to walk towards the football stadium, Damien began to think over the past year. His life had changed and he honestly thought it was for the better. The more he thought about it though he wasn’t fully convinced that that was true. His parents were never really ok with him being in a gay relationship. Tensions ran so high that eventually they stopped talking and avoided the subject altogether. He became the roommate who was never home. His parents were completely full of it though. This was natural. It had to be. It didn’t make any sense for it not to be. He started to think through his relationship with God. Instantly his heart sank. What relationship with God? He hadn’t picked up his Bible all year, he hadn’t gone to a single church service, and since he started dating Jay he couldn’t remember a single time that he prayed or even talked to God. In fact, he couldn’t remember that ever happening even before Jay. He wasn’t sure what he believed anymore. Damien championed himself a ‘gay Christian.’ It didn’t bother him that Jay was agnostic. He began to wonder if he was living a big lie. Not the homosexual tendencies thing, that he believed to be completely true. He just wasn’t sure if he believed in God anymore. He asked himself if he would honestly live his life any differently if he didn’t believe in God and the answer was no. He loved Jay and he couldn’t imagine his life without him, but he could easily imagine living life without God…if he even existed.
Damien stepped out of the car and headed toward the stands. To his surprise he saw Kerass there. He went over and sat down next to him. “You hear to support Jay?”
“Yeah,” Kerass said. He explained he wouldn’t be here otherwise. “I don’t really get the whole marching band thing.”
“Yeah, I know what you mean…” Damien said trailing off at the end.
It was a little bit uncomfortable sitting next to Kerass. Last year his sole intention was to get Cadence back. His intentions had obviously changed this year. Still neither of them ended up dating Cadence. The competition still oddly lingered which was immensely surprising. He shouldn’t care. He played for an entirely different team, but he couldn’t help but dwell on the fact that he lost. It was an issue of pride. He felt he was definitely more attractive, had the bigger muscles and would beat him at sports…but did that honestly lead up to anything? They weren’t after the same person anymore, so it shouldn’t matter, but Damien couldn’t deny the fact that it did.
“How’s Jay handling things with his dad?” Kerass asked.
“What do you mean?” Damien asked, but before Kerass could answer Oak Stream’s marching band marched onto the football field.
It was then that the Oak Stream marching band’s performance started. Jay was more than easy to spot out being the only guy on the field in a leotard. Plus all the other guys were wearing hats unless they were in the pit. Damien concentrated solely on Jay this time when he watched the show. Jay was actually quite good. He wasn’t the best color guard on the field, but he was the farthest thing from the worst. The dance moves without the flags were what amazed Damien the most sitting and watching the final show.
During the ballad in the middle of the show Jay had nothing to do. He went off to the side. Damien looked over at Jay. They locked eyes. Jay’s eyes widened with delight when he saw that Damien and Kerass were there. Jay didn’t wave at them though, which bugged Damien, but that was probably the professional thing to do.
The final piece was visually striking. Kerass’ mouth was open in shock, which made Damien smirk. Damien checked out of the final piece waiting for it to be over. When the band marched off the field Damien saw Jay as he instantly ran up the stands. Jay hugged him first and then hugged Kerass. Damien hated that Jay hugged Kerass but there was nothing he could really do about that unless he wanted to control their friendship. Damien knew it wasn’t any of his business so he simply let it go.
“OMG! We have to take a selfie!” Jay exclaimed.
They took the picture before Jay ran off back to the band. Jay asked Damien to hold his phone for him. “I love you both! Bye!” Jay said leaving.
Damien looked at the picture on Jay's cell phone. He intended to swipe it closed but instead swiped it to the previous picture. It was of Kerass in a speedo. He swiped again and saw the same exact photo. He swiped again and again counting the photo up to 5 times before he shut off the phone in a quiet rage. Damien got up and walked down the stadium without even saying goodbye to Kerass. He didn’t know what to think, but it definitely didn’t look good. He didn’t care if he embarrassed Jay. He was going straight toward the band to call him out. His fears around Kerass had been answered. He started to add up all the little white lies Jay had told him over the school year. He was convinced that Jay was cheating on him with Kerass.
“No,” Jay replied. Everything inside of him was screaming to say something, but his mouth wouldn’t open.
“Are you a freshman or a transfer student?” Dianne asked.
“No, I-” he paused recognizing that this was a mistake. “I don’t know why I’m here. Sorry to have bothered you.”
His hand was on the doorknob to leave before he turned around and said, “Listen, I know I’m not one of your students, but I’ve heard you were way cool,” he said. He continued asking her if she would be willing to see the marching band’s final performance.
“Sure, I’d love to!” she exclaimed with more enthusiasm than Jay had anticipated.
“Great…I guess,” he paused not sure of the right thing to say in response, “I’ll just see you there then.”
“Yeah, maybe,” she said. She confirmed she’d definitely watch the performance but she might not actually see him in person.
“Cool,” Jay said. He couldn’t help but smile. She was more gorgeous than he had ever imagined her to be.
“Don’t you have class to head off to?”
Jay nodded and immediately ran out the door. The first encounter was immensely awkward, which was disappointing. He didn’t know what to expect and he couldn’t bring himself to flat out tell her he was her son, but he had put himself on her radar at the very least. As far as first encounters go, he counted that one as extremely successful.
The bus was 10 minutes late the following morning which completely drove Kerass up the wall. When the doors opened this time he chose to walk on first thing. He didn’t want to wait to get on the bus and once again he went to the back, but this time Gus wasn’t sitting there. In fact Gus wasn’t on the bus at all. Kerass didn’t know what to think or why he even cared whether Gus was at school or not. He found himself jumping to the conclusion that Gus was ditching school for the day. It was all just whatever though. He might actually get some sleep this morning.
The bus pulled into the next stop. Cadence walked onto the bus looking down at her feet avoiding eye contact. Kerass held his breath. She was stunningly beautiful. He had forgotten that. Her lack of confidence made her all the more enticing and he wasn’t sure why. The sun reflected off of her shoulder length hair which swished side to side as she sat at the front of the bus. He couldn’t believe it, but he felt like he was falling in love with Cadence all over again. He instantly flashed back to the time when he first sat next to her on the bus and told her that he could save the peer support group. Her heart for helping others was always commendable, but he started to realize that it wasn’t only to help others…it was to help herself. Kerass’ heart broke. He had pushed her away when she had needed him most and he had ignored her for the bulk of the school year too. He had to say something, but not only could he not speak, his feet wouldn’t move. It was like they were cemented to the floor of the bus. A single tear fell down her face. The only thing he wanted to do was to wipe that tear off of her face and kiss her.
The bus came to a stop but the doors didn’t open. They weren’t even at the next stop. The bus driver said over the intercom that the bus had broken down and that another bus was coming to pick them all up. Everyone on the bus groaned in unison before the whole bus alit with excitement about whether they might be excused from their first period.
Kerass was up and walking and before he knew it he was standing next to Cadence’s seat looking down at her. She looked up at him not fully giving eye contact. He asked her if she minded if he sat there. “I’d love someone to chat with while we wait for the other bus.”
“Not at all,” Cadence said moving her backpack off the seat and setting it underneath her feet.
“So,” Kerass said letting out a heavy breath.
“So,” Cadence nodded in agreement.
She seemed like she was off in her own little world. It seemed like she was intentionally ignoring him. All that passive aggressive bull.
“A bus doesn’t break down every day, huh?” he said knowing he was stretching for a conversation starter.
“Actually a bus does break down every day. Multiple buses break down daily considering how many buses there are in the world.”
That conversation ended before it even started. Kerass began to regret sitting down next to Cadence. The words were on the tip of his tongue, but he just couldn’t let them out no matter how hard he tried.
“Why are you here, Kerass?”
The question took him off guard. Not knowing what else to say the truth came out much faster than he had anticipated. “I still have feelings for you Cadence.”
She locked eyes with him. She had control now and he knew it. She said nothing in reply. She simply looked out the window.
The drive to the competition that weekend was a lot longer than Damien had anticipated. It took a total of an hour and a half to reach Jay’s marching band competition. The whole way there the only thing he could think of was this was the last time he would readily be able to watch Jay perform. He was graduating this year and that meant that this would be the end of the road for the two of them. Damien didn’t really believe in long distance relationships, but who was he kidding…he was completely in love with Jay. He had to make it work. He just had to.
Sitting in the car before he decided to walk towards the football stadium, Damien began to think over the past year. His life had changed and he honestly thought it was for the better. The more he thought about it though he wasn’t fully convinced that that was true. His parents were never really ok with him being in a gay relationship. Tensions ran so high that eventually they stopped talking and avoided the subject altogether. He became the roommate who was never home. His parents were completely full of it though. This was natural. It had to be. It didn’t make any sense for it not to be. He started to think through his relationship with God. Instantly his heart sank. What relationship with God? He hadn’t picked up his Bible all year, he hadn’t gone to a single church service, and since he started dating Jay he couldn’t remember a single time that he prayed or even talked to God. In fact, he couldn’t remember that ever happening even before Jay. He wasn’t sure what he believed anymore. Damien championed himself a ‘gay Christian.’ It didn’t bother him that Jay was agnostic. He began to wonder if he was living a big lie. Not the homosexual tendencies thing, that he believed to be completely true. He just wasn’t sure if he believed in God anymore. He asked himself if he would honestly live his life any differently if he didn’t believe in God and the answer was no. He loved Jay and he couldn’t imagine his life without him, but he could easily imagine living life without God…if he even existed.
Damien stepped out of the car and headed toward the stands. To his surprise he saw Kerass there. He went over and sat down next to him. “You hear to support Jay?”
“Yeah,” Kerass said. He explained he wouldn’t be here otherwise. “I don’t really get the whole marching band thing.”
“Yeah, I know what you mean…” Damien said trailing off at the end.
It was a little bit uncomfortable sitting next to Kerass. Last year his sole intention was to get Cadence back. His intentions had obviously changed this year. Still neither of them ended up dating Cadence. The competition still oddly lingered which was immensely surprising. He shouldn’t care. He played for an entirely different team, but he couldn’t help but dwell on the fact that he lost. It was an issue of pride. He felt he was definitely more attractive, had the bigger muscles and would beat him at sports…but did that honestly lead up to anything? They weren’t after the same person anymore, so it shouldn’t matter, but Damien couldn’t deny the fact that it did.
“How’s Jay handling things with his dad?” Kerass asked.
“What do you mean?” Damien asked, but before Kerass could answer Oak Stream’s marching band marched onto the football field.
It was then that the Oak Stream marching band’s performance started. Jay was more than easy to spot out being the only guy on the field in a leotard. Plus all the other guys were wearing hats unless they were in the pit. Damien concentrated solely on Jay this time when he watched the show. Jay was actually quite good. He wasn’t the best color guard on the field, but he was the farthest thing from the worst. The dance moves without the flags were what amazed Damien the most sitting and watching the final show.
During the ballad in the middle of the show Jay had nothing to do. He went off to the side. Damien looked over at Jay. They locked eyes. Jay’s eyes widened with delight when he saw that Damien and Kerass were there. Jay didn’t wave at them though, which bugged Damien, but that was probably the professional thing to do.
The final piece was visually striking. Kerass’ mouth was open in shock, which made Damien smirk. Damien checked out of the final piece waiting for it to be over. When the band marched off the field Damien saw Jay as he instantly ran up the stands. Jay hugged him first and then hugged Kerass. Damien hated that Jay hugged Kerass but there was nothing he could really do about that unless he wanted to control their friendship. Damien knew it wasn’t any of his business so he simply let it go.
“OMG! We have to take a selfie!” Jay exclaimed.
They took the picture before Jay ran off back to the band. Jay asked Damien to hold his phone for him. “I love you both! Bye!” Jay said leaving.
Damien looked at the picture on Jay's cell phone. He intended to swipe it closed but instead swiped it to the previous picture. It was of Kerass in a speedo. He swiped again and saw the same exact photo. He swiped again and again counting the photo up to 5 times before he shut off the phone in a quiet rage. Damien got up and walked down the stadium without even saying goodbye to Kerass. He didn’t know what to think, but it definitely didn’t look good. He didn’t care if he embarrassed Jay. He was going straight toward the band to call him out. His fears around Kerass had been answered. He started to add up all the little white lies Jay had told him over the school year. He was convinced that Jay was cheating on him with Kerass.
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Fallen Leaves - Chapter 16: Does He Know?
Kerass hadn’t gotten used to taking the bus since the end of freshmen year. Julia had always driven him and even recently when she hadn’t driven him every day his father drove him. Being completely honest with himself, he knew he didn’t want to spend that much time with his father one-on-one, so there he was yet again waiting at the bus stop.
The bus seemed to take forever to get there. It was a solid five minutes before he saw the bus drive around the corner down the street. It had been a harsh wake-up call. Having to ride the bus caused him to wake up an hour before he normally woke up. He looked around at the people waiting at the bus stop. All the freshmen seemed so young. He felt so old having to wait at the bus stop. The looks he received from the others weren’t very comforting either. The more he thought about it though they probably weren’t giving him looks. It was all simply in his head.
The bus came to a stop and the doors opened. Kerass was the last person to board the bus. He walked straight towards the back of the bus, his usual spot where he would sleep on his way in freshmen year. To his utter astonishment the seat was already taken! He felt ownership over that seat. How dare anyone take my seat! he thought to himself.
He recognized the guy who was sitting in the back, but he couldn’t remember why. Then it hit him, Gus, the one with the locker next to his, was sitting there. “Do you mind if I sit next to you?” Kerass asked.
“No,” Gus replied. “Not at all.”
Kerass sat down. The silence bugged him. In the car rides, he either talked the whole way with Julia or blasted the radio with his father. The radio wasn’t playing on the bus and everyone else was sleeping besides him and Gus. Breaking the silence Kerass said, “So, you in any extra curricular activities?”
Gus shook his head. Kerass then asked him why not. Gus replied, “I already spend too much time in the school building as it is. I’m not wasting any time outside of school hours on high school.”
Kerass was bewildered. He wasn’t the biggest fan of high school either, but extra curriculars was the one saving grace of high school. “What do you do with your time, then?”
“I run a lot,” Gus said nonchalantly, “and I work at the comic book store down on Main Street.”
“Aren’t comic book stores going out of business?” Kerass asked bewildered.
Gus laughed and shook his head. “Not in a small town man. It’s different back where I’m from, but here…” he paused looking out the window. “It’s a lot different from where I came from.”
“Where did you come from?” Kerass asked. “Just curious.”
“I don’t know. That’s what I’m here to find out.”
Kerass didn’t know what to do with that. It seemed like he just wanted to avoid the subject all together, which definitely increased his own curiosity in the subject, but he also knew it was better to butt out and change the subject. It also seemed like a total cop out. Not wanting to dwell on it any longer, Kerass said, “You run, yeah?”
“Yeah, I just told you I did.”
Kerass beamed. He was the fastest runner in the school. This would be an excellent opportunity to gloat. “What’s your average time for a mile?”
Gus raised his eyebrows. “I average a 4:10 mile.”
Kerass’ smile vanished. Kerass’ best was a 4:15 and his average was 4:30. “You’re not gonna like try out for football next year are you?” Kerass asked trying to protect himself, his spot, and his legacy.
“Why do you care?”
“I-” Kerass paused. He was speechless. He shouldn’t care and he recognized that, but he did care. He wanted to be the best at something and this was the only thing he could take pride in at that moment. “I just wanted to know, you know for team dynamic next year.”
“That’s total bull and you know it, but I’ll give you a slide,” Gus added smirking. “You don’t have to worry about anything. I don’t have time for sports anyways.”
With that said, the conversation ended abruptly. Kerass was mad the rest of the morning thinking about how he was no longer good at anything. He no longer had Julia, Cadence walked out of the picture a while ago, he hadn’t talked to Jay in ages, and on top of it all his grades were slipping. The only thing he held onto was the fact that he was good at sports, the best and even that wasn’t true anymore. He felt his entire identity was crumbling in front of him.
Cadence walked down the hallway to her locker avoiding eye contact with everyone that she walked past. The only person that would give her the time of day was Gus and he was annoying and secretive. There was Julia though, but they hadn’t spoken in a month. She opened up her locker grabbing her first period textbook. Whatever, she thought to herself. I can handle myself. I don’t need anybody else.
Julia walked straight over to her. Cadence couldn’t help but smile. Perhaps Julia had missed her too. Cadence desperately missed people, but she lied to herself constantly about it. She was convinced the more she said it the more it would become a reality. She didn’t want to be dependent on anybody.
“Julia!” Cadence exclaimed. She continued saying it had been a long time and asked her what had been happening.
“Cut the pleasantries, Cadence,” Julia said deadpan.
Cadence was afraid to ask what was wrong, but whatever it was she immediately started blaming herself.
“I need you to tell me something and don’t,” Julia paused and then proceeded giving emphasis to each word, “you dare lie to me.”
Cadence had no idea what Julia was referring to, so she remained silent locking eyes with Julia challenging her to go on.
“Are you still in love with Kerass?” Julia said her voice cracking while tears slowly fell down her face.
The question took Cadence completely off guard. While that had been her initial intention at the beginning of the year, she had quickly dropped it and hadn’t given it a second thought.
“Did you steal him away from me?” Julia demanded pushing Cadence.
“I,” Cadence paused. “I didn’t even know you two were split up!”
Julia glared at Cadence. “You never said no,” and with that Julia walked away. Cadence screamed out after her, but Julia kept walking. Cadence was so deeply confused she wasn’t even sure what had happened, but whatever it was it seemed pretty final. She wasn’t in love with Kerass anymore. At least…she didn’t think she was.
Gus walked over to her and said, “I thought it over and the answer’s no. I can’t tutor you.”
“Whatever,” Cadence said under her breath. She slammed her locker shut and walked away from Gus without another word.
Jay took a deep breath. He couldn’t believe he was doing this. He walked over to Kerass who stood by his locker. Saying hi beforehand, Jay asked him how he had been. Kerass was so taken aback that Jay was talking to him that it took him a solid 5 seconds before answering.
“Things have been a little rough recently,” Kerass began. He then spilled on how he had broken up with Julia. “It’s just a really weird time for me right now.”
Jay choked up. He knew nothing about Kerass’ life this year and in a way it was entirely his fault. He had dedicated all of his attention to Damien and while that had been good for him, he had let his friendship with Kerass vanish. He would do anything to rebuild it now, but it took a while to rebuild anything of value.
“Why are you here, Jay?” Kerass asked straightforward. “I mean, we haven’t really talked since the beginning of summer and that was several months ago.”
“I guess I just missed us is all,” Jay said. He went on saying he missed the way they used to be, how they knew each other so well. “I mean, what happened to us?”
“I don’t really know,” Kerass said adding that it might simply be high school life. “You know these walls are so huge. So many people come in and out each and every day, so it’s hard to maintain any friendship, let alone what ours used to be.”
Jay bit his tongue. He didn’t want to ask the next question on his mind, but he knew had to. He had to know if that was what kept Kerass away from him all this time. “Does the distance between us have anything to do with me and Damien dating?”
Kerass laughed. “No. I mean, it’s a little weird to me and I still don’t agree with that, but no, that’s not the reason why.” He said further that there wasn’t really any one reason. “We just grew apart this year. Nothing against you, it just happened.”
Jay took deeper breaths. It was hard for him to hear this. Kerass used to be the center of his world and while Damien was that now, he didn’t want to lose Kerass. “Is there anything I can do to rectify this?”
Jay waited on Kerass’ response for what seemed like infinity before Kerass said that he wasn’t sure. Jay’s heartbeat rose. The sound echoed in his head and he felt like his head was about to explode.
“I found out I’m adopted,” Jay blurted out. He was astonished by what he had just done and he wished he could take it all back. Kerass had been the first person he told, he hadn’t even told Damien that and he knew that if Damien ever found out he’d be in trouble.
“You what?” Kerass asked stunned.
“My dad told me 2 months ago,” Jay whispered and added for him not to tell anyone.
Kerass promised he wouldn’t. “Why did you tell me?”
“I still trust you,” Jay said.
“Well, thanks,” Kerass said. “Does he know? Damien?”
Jay shook his head.
“All right then,” Kerass said and then told Jay that he’d see him around before walking away.
Jay didn’t know what to think of the conversation, but it was a start in the right direction he hoped. He walked down the stairs to the main office telling the receptionist he was here to see his guidance counselor. She simply nodded at him as he walked into the guidance counselor’s hallway.
Every step seemed uncertain. It almost felt as if the floor would open up and swallow him whole. He knew he was playing with fire by even talking to her, but his curiosity overwhelmed him. He knocked on her door.
“Come in!”
The bus seemed to take forever to get there. It was a solid five minutes before he saw the bus drive around the corner down the street. It had been a harsh wake-up call. Having to ride the bus caused him to wake up an hour before he normally woke up. He looked around at the people waiting at the bus stop. All the freshmen seemed so young. He felt so old having to wait at the bus stop. The looks he received from the others weren’t very comforting either. The more he thought about it though they probably weren’t giving him looks. It was all simply in his head.
The bus came to a stop and the doors opened. Kerass was the last person to board the bus. He walked straight towards the back of the bus, his usual spot where he would sleep on his way in freshmen year. To his utter astonishment the seat was already taken! He felt ownership over that seat. How dare anyone take my seat! he thought to himself.
He recognized the guy who was sitting in the back, but he couldn’t remember why. Then it hit him, Gus, the one with the locker next to his, was sitting there. “Do you mind if I sit next to you?” Kerass asked.
“No,” Gus replied. “Not at all.”
Kerass sat down. The silence bugged him. In the car rides, he either talked the whole way with Julia or blasted the radio with his father. The radio wasn’t playing on the bus and everyone else was sleeping besides him and Gus. Breaking the silence Kerass said, “So, you in any extra curricular activities?”
Gus shook his head. Kerass then asked him why not. Gus replied, “I already spend too much time in the school building as it is. I’m not wasting any time outside of school hours on high school.”
Kerass was bewildered. He wasn’t the biggest fan of high school either, but extra curriculars was the one saving grace of high school. “What do you do with your time, then?”
“I run a lot,” Gus said nonchalantly, “and I work at the comic book store down on Main Street.”
“Aren’t comic book stores going out of business?” Kerass asked bewildered.
Gus laughed and shook his head. “Not in a small town man. It’s different back where I’m from, but here…” he paused looking out the window. “It’s a lot different from where I came from.”
“Where did you come from?” Kerass asked. “Just curious.”
“I don’t know. That’s what I’m here to find out.”
Kerass didn’t know what to do with that. It seemed like he just wanted to avoid the subject all together, which definitely increased his own curiosity in the subject, but he also knew it was better to butt out and change the subject. It also seemed like a total cop out. Not wanting to dwell on it any longer, Kerass said, “You run, yeah?”
“Yeah, I just told you I did.”
Kerass beamed. He was the fastest runner in the school. This would be an excellent opportunity to gloat. “What’s your average time for a mile?”
Gus raised his eyebrows. “I average a 4:10 mile.”
Kerass’ smile vanished. Kerass’ best was a 4:15 and his average was 4:30. “You’re not gonna like try out for football next year are you?” Kerass asked trying to protect himself, his spot, and his legacy.
“Why do you care?”
“I-” Kerass paused. He was speechless. He shouldn’t care and he recognized that, but he did care. He wanted to be the best at something and this was the only thing he could take pride in at that moment. “I just wanted to know, you know for team dynamic next year.”
“That’s total bull and you know it, but I’ll give you a slide,” Gus added smirking. “You don’t have to worry about anything. I don’t have time for sports anyways.”
With that said, the conversation ended abruptly. Kerass was mad the rest of the morning thinking about how he was no longer good at anything. He no longer had Julia, Cadence walked out of the picture a while ago, he hadn’t talked to Jay in ages, and on top of it all his grades were slipping. The only thing he held onto was the fact that he was good at sports, the best and even that wasn’t true anymore. He felt his entire identity was crumbling in front of him.
Cadence walked down the hallway to her locker avoiding eye contact with everyone that she walked past. The only person that would give her the time of day was Gus and he was annoying and secretive. There was Julia though, but they hadn’t spoken in a month. She opened up her locker grabbing her first period textbook. Whatever, she thought to herself. I can handle myself. I don’t need anybody else.
Julia walked straight over to her. Cadence couldn’t help but smile. Perhaps Julia had missed her too. Cadence desperately missed people, but she lied to herself constantly about it. She was convinced the more she said it the more it would become a reality. She didn’t want to be dependent on anybody.
“Julia!” Cadence exclaimed. She continued saying it had been a long time and asked her what had been happening.
“Cut the pleasantries, Cadence,” Julia said deadpan.
Cadence was afraid to ask what was wrong, but whatever it was she immediately started blaming herself.
“I need you to tell me something and don’t,” Julia paused and then proceeded giving emphasis to each word, “you dare lie to me.”
Cadence had no idea what Julia was referring to, so she remained silent locking eyes with Julia challenging her to go on.
“Are you still in love with Kerass?” Julia said her voice cracking while tears slowly fell down her face.
The question took Cadence completely off guard. While that had been her initial intention at the beginning of the year, she had quickly dropped it and hadn’t given it a second thought.
“Did you steal him away from me?” Julia demanded pushing Cadence.
“I,” Cadence paused. “I didn’t even know you two were split up!”
Julia glared at Cadence. “You never said no,” and with that Julia walked away. Cadence screamed out after her, but Julia kept walking. Cadence was so deeply confused she wasn’t even sure what had happened, but whatever it was it seemed pretty final. She wasn’t in love with Kerass anymore. At least…she didn’t think she was.
Gus walked over to her and said, “I thought it over and the answer’s no. I can’t tutor you.”
“Whatever,” Cadence said under her breath. She slammed her locker shut and walked away from Gus without another word.
Jay took a deep breath. He couldn’t believe he was doing this. He walked over to Kerass who stood by his locker. Saying hi beforehand, Jay asked him how he had been. Kerass was so taken aback that Jay was talking to him that it took him a solid 5 seconds before answering.
“Things have been a little rough recently,” Kerass began. He then spilled on how he had broken up with Julia. “It’s just a really weird time for me right now.”
Jay choked up. He knew nothing about Kerass’ life this year and in a way it was entirely his fault. He had dedicated all of his attention to Damien and while that had been good for him, he had let his friendship with Kerass vanish. He would do anything to rebuild it now, but it took a while to rebuild anything of value.
“Why are you here, Jay?” Kerass asked straightforward. “I mean, we haven’t really talked since the beginning of summer and that was several months ago.”
“I guess I just missed us is all,” Jay said. He went on saying he missed the way they used to be, how they knew each other so well. “I mean, what happened to us?”
“I don’t really know,” Kerass said adding that it might simply be high school life. “You know these walls are so huge. So many people come in and out each and every day, so it’s hard to maintain any friendship, let alone what ours used to be.”
Jay bit his tongue. He didn’t want to ask the next question on his mind, but he knew had to. He had to know if that was what kept Kerass away from him all this time. “Does the distance between us have anything to do with me and Damien dating?”
Kerass laughed. “No. I mean, it’s a little weird to me and I still don’t agree with that, but no, that’s not the reason why.” He said further that there wasn’t really any one reason. “We just grew apart this year. Nothing against you, it just happened.”
Jay took deeper breaths. It was hard for him to hear this. Kerass used to be the center of his world and while Damien was that now, he didn’t want to lose Kerass. “Is there anything I can do to rectify this?”
Jay waited on Kerass’ response for what seemed like infinity before Kerass said that he wasn’t sure. Jay’s heartbeat rose. The sound echoed in his head and he felt like his head was about to explode.
“I found out I’m adopted,” Jay blurted out. He was astonished by what he had just done and he wished he could take it all back. Kerass had been the first person he told, he hadn’t even told Damien that and he knew that if Damien ever found out he’d be in trouble.
“You what?” Kerass asked stunned.
“My dad told me 2 months ago,” Jay whispered and added for him not to tell anyone.
Kerass promised he wouldn’t. “Why did you tell me?”
“I still trust you,” Jay said.
“Well, thanks,” Kerass said. “Does he know? Damien?”
Jay shook his head.
“All right then,” Kerass said and then told Jay that he’d see him around before walking away.
Jay didn’t know what to think of the conversation, but it was a start in the right direction he hoped. He walked down the stairs to the main office telling the receptionist he was here to see his guidance counselor. She simply nodded at him as he walked into the guidance counselor’s hallway.
Every step seemed uncertain. It almost felt as if the floor would open up and swallow him whole. He knew he was playing with fire by even talking to her, but his curiosity overwhelmed him. He knocked on her door.
“Come in!”
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Fallen Leaves - Chapter 15: You & I
Julia walked down the stairs toward the front door. She wanted to get to school as quickly as possible. She was worried about Kerass. Legitimately concerned with his well being she thought she could help him escape, distract him from his problems.
If only Kerass would say yes to dinner with my parents...she thought. She knew they would be thrilled with him. Sure Kerass was deeply broken right now, but she was fully convinced that her parents would help him to relax. She trusted her parents completely. It seemed implausible that he didn’t trust his father, although Kerass was never one to lie. He was the most truthful person she knew.
She didn’t know how, but she was determined to get him to have dinner with them even if she had to trick him into it. She walked to the kitchen beaming. She grabbed an apple and took a bite.
“Hey, what are you all excited about?” her father asked.
“Kerass said he would have dinner with us tonight,” she said raising her eyebrows.
“Now how about that!” Her father continued asking what caused him to turn around.
“You wouldn’t believe me even if I told you,” Julia said with a snicker.
She walked out the door convinced that she had won. She had made a promise to her parents and she never broke her promises.
Jay closed his locker and jumped back in shock. Damien was standing right next to Jay’s locker as usual. Damien’s face dropped.
“You look surprised,” Damien said. He continued saying that he always stood by Jay’s locker first thing in the morning. “What made you jump?”
“I guess I’ve got a lot on my mind,” Jay said. Biting his tongue he avoided eye contact hoping Damien would catch on that he didn’t want to talk.
Damien put his hand on Jay’s shoulder. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Jay sighed. He wanted to avoid the subject at all costs. He still hadn’t told Damien that he was adopted. “I just don’t know if I can…”
Damien locked eyes with him. “Please.”
“I’m-” Jay paused. He couldn’t bring himself to flat out say it. “It’s just,” he froze mid-sentence. “It’s just problems with my dad.”
Damien sighed with contentment. “Nothing major then, huh?”
Jay shook his head.
Damien continued to say that that was good saying he was happy it wasn’t too big and that he was sure he and his father would work it out.
“Yeah, sure.”
“I’ve got big news for you,” Damien said barely able to contain his excitement. Jay just stared at him. “Ok, I’ll tell you. I just completed all my college applications yesterday night!”
Jay smiled relieved to be distracted from the drama back at home. He told Damien that that was wonderful. “Which schools did you apply to?”
“Evergreen Forest University, Oak Stream Community College, and Dowden Terrace College.”
“Sweet, congrats!” Jay continued saying he hoped Damien would get in to all of them.
Damien said he was hoping to only get into one. “I don’t like lots of choices.”
The warning bell rang. Damien groaned frustrated. He kissed Jay on the cheek telling him he’d see him after school.
Once Damien was around the corner Jay walked straight to one of the computer labs. He didn’t care if it took multiple days. He was going to find out who his birth mother was.
Cadence walked into the pre-IB English class a minute before the final bell rang. Gus was already seated in the assigned seat next to hers. She didn’t know what to do with him. He never shared his opinion in class, he never helped her when they had a question during group work, but for unexplainable reasons he always got A’s on his essays. It aggravated Cadence to no end who couldn’t get anything higher than a B. Essays just seemed to come so naturally to him whereas Cadence worked her ass off and couldn’t even get an A. She sat down next to him. The teacher came up to the room announcing they would have a group work day. They were to discuss the book with their partners. Cadence couldn’t help but roll her eyes.
“You don’t have to give me no attitude,” Gus said accusingly.
“I wasn’t giving you attitude,” Cadence lied.
“Don’t lie to me,” Gus said. His eyes pierced her in a way that only one other had done before. Gus was surprisingly like Kerass, but whereas Kerass ran away from problems, Gus seemed to straight up address them.
“How do you do it?” Cadence asked.
“Uh, I think you should ask your parents about that one.”
“Ew! Not that! That’s disgusting!” Cadence said giving a shudder. “I mean how do you get A’s on the essays?”
“It’s quite simple really.”
“Stop with the bull! It comes so easy for you,” Cadence said shaking her head. “Stop rubbing it in my face.”
“Here let me see your last essay. I’ll try to see if I can help.”
“You never helped before,” Cadence spat at him.
“Well, you never really asked, now did you?”
Cadence glared at him but handed the essay over to him in spite of herself. Gus showed no emotions reading through the essay and it just killed her waiting for feedback.
“I think I can see what the problem is,” Gus said.
“What?”
“This is way too straightforward. You’re just summarizing what happened. The points you’re trying to make are way too vague and the summary takes up way too much space.”
“I don’t know how to avoid that!” Cadence shouted louder than she had intended to. Embarrassed she lowered her voice and said, “This is so hard!”
“Do you dream?”
“What does that have to do with anything?” Cadence asked incredulously.
“Just answer the question.”
“Yes, of course.”
“And when you dream,” Gus paused milking the moment, “do you dream in color?”
“Of course, doesn’t everybody?”
“Don’t dream in color. Dream in black and white. That way your dreams, or in this case the points you’re trying to make, will be that much more attainable, that much more defined.”
Cadence shook her head. “You’re so full of it.”
Gus laughed making Cadence more uncomfortable than ever. “Whatever, it works for me.”
A minute passed in silence. Cadence didn’t even look over at him while she waited for him to say something else. Frustrated to the point that she felt she would burst, she said, “Can’t you be any more specific than dream in black and white?” She continued saying how much he sucked for not being willing to help her out.
“You’re not very nice, are you?”
Cadence was taken aback. How dare he accuse her of not being nice! He barely knew her. The more she thought about it though, she recognized that the fact that she was upset by the accusation meant that she thought there was some truth to it. “Yeah, well, nice friends are fake friends.”
“That’s one way to look at it.”
Cadence sighed. Gus was right. She had been a total bitch to him this entire time. While he was closed off and distant, she hadn’t really taken the hint to butt out, or even attempted to start any sort of friendship with him. She didn’t know anything about him. Her heart sank. “I’m sorry,” she said genuinely. “I’m just…stressed is all.”
“Don’t worry about me,” he said smiling at her. “I’m not one to hold grudges.”
“Listen,” she began. She asked him if he would be willing to tutor her. “I mean, it’s obvious that I’m missing something. So what do you say? You and I?”
Gus took a deep breath. “Let me think about it.”
The bell rang signifying the start of lunch. Kerass leapt out of his seat beyond thrilled to be out of fifth period Algebra II. Math was his worst subject and it showed. He was barely pulling a C average. He was on the verge of being cut from the team. He was one percentage point away from a D. Even though his C had remained stagnant, he still was nervous every time he stepped into the classroom. He just didn’t get the material no matter how hard he tried to comprehend it.
Julia rushed to his side right on schedule. She gripped his arm so tightly he was afraid it would bruise. She had the biggest smile on her face.
“You seem extra peppy this afternoon,” he commented. He continued asking her what was the occasion that brought the happiness on.
She bit her lip before she said, “I’ve got a surprise for you…”
Kerass didn’t like the sound of that. Whenever Julia attempted to please him beyond making out it was a total bust. Unless it was an impromptu make-out session, he didn’t think he wanted to hear about it. He had too much on his mind, especially considering how his grades were slipping and not just in math. Every subject he had a letter grade below what his average was for freshmen year. Sophomore year was kicking his butt. The initial excitement of high school quickly faded once he realized it was just school.
Julia cleared her throat. “Are you even listening to me?” she asked.
“Yes, of course I am,” he lied. He hated lying, but lying to protect his girlfriend always beat telling the truth.
“So what’s your answer?”
Kerass stammered before asking her what her question was. She groaned frustrated, he could tell that making out was no longer a legitimate option.
“I promised my parents that we would have dinner tonight,” she said with glee. “I knew it would cheer you up.”
Kerass felt like his eyes lit with fire and his ears began fuming at the proposition. She had gone behind his back and made a promise that he bluntly said no to. He no longer cared how good the kissing was. She had manipulated him and that was disgusting.
“We’re done,” he said under his breath.
“What?” Julia asked her voice barely audible.
“You lied to me. That’s just unforgiveable…” he said trailing off. He murmured his final words, “I’m breaking up with you.”
Jay knew he was going to get into severe trouble with his dad for skipping classes, but he felt his quest to find out something about his birth mother was a worthy cause. He had found out a lot in the few hours he had searched. Her name was Dianne Lesley. She had him at the age of 16 and put him up for adoption. She had then married and relocated. Her new last name was Todd. Jay was amazed at how much information he had found out about her and how easily he found it. She was still alive. He would do anything in his power to meet her. The final line of text he read put him in a state of shock. Dianne Todd was working at Oak Stream High as a guidance counselor.
If only Kerass would say yes to dinner with my parents...she thought. She knew they would be thrilled with him. Sure Kerass was deeply broken right now, but she was fully convinced that her parents would help him to relax. She trusted her parents completely. It seemed implausible that he didn’t trust his father, although Kerass was never one to lie. He was the most truthful person she knew.
She didn’t know how, but she was determined to get him to have dinner with them even if she had to trick him into it. She walked to the kitchen beaming. She grabbed an apple and took a bite.
“Hey, what are you all excited about?” her father asked.
“Kerass said he would have dinner with us tonight,” she said raising her eyebrows.
“Now how about that!” Her father continued asking what caused him to turn around.
“You wouldn’t believe me even if I told you,” Julia said with a snicker.
She walked out the door convinced that she had won. She had made a promise to her parents and she never broke her promises.
Jay closed his locker and jumped back in shock. Damien was standing right next to Jay’s locker as usual. Damien’s face dropped.
“You look surprised,” Damien said. He continued saying that he always stood by Jay’s locker first thing in the morning. “What made you jump?”
“I guess I’ve got a lot on my mind,” Jay said. Biting his tongue he avoided eye contact hoping Damien would catch on that he didn’t want to talk.
Damien put his hand on Jay’s shoulder. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Jay sighed. He wanted to avoid the subject at all costs. He still hadn’t told Damien that he was adopted. “I just don’t know if I can…”
Damien locked eyes with him. “Please.”
“I’m-” Jay paused. He couldn’t bring himself to flat out say it. “It’s just,” he froze mid-sentence. “It’s just problems with my dad.”
Damien sighed with contentment. “Nothing major then, huh?”
Jay shook his head.
Damien continued to say that that was good saying he was happy it wasn’t too big and that he was sure he and his father would work it out.
“Yeah, sure.”
“I’ve got big news for you,” Damien said barely able to contain his excitement. Jay just stared at him. “Ok, I’ll tell you. I just completed all my college applications yesterday night!”
Jay smiled relieved to be distracted from the drama back at home. He told Damien that that was wonderful. “Which schools did you apply to?”
“Evergreen Forest University, Oak Stream Community College, and Dowden Terrace College.”
“Sweet, congrats!” Jay continued saying he hoped Damien would get in to all of them.
Damien said he was hoping to only get into one. “I don’t like lots of choices.”
The warning bell rang. Damien groaned frustrated. He kissed Jay on the cheek telling him he’d see him after school.
Once Damien was around the corner Jay walked straight to one of the computer labs. He didn’t care if it took multiple days. He was going to find out who his birth mother was.
Cadence walked into the pre-IB English class a minute before the final bell rang. Gus was already seated in the assigned seat next to hers. She didn’t know what to do with him. He never shared his opinion in class, he never helped her when they had a question during group work, but for unexplainable reasons he always got A’s on his essays. It aggravated Cadence to no end who couldn’t get anything higher than a B. Essays just seemed to come so naturally to him whereas Cadence worked her ass off and couldn’t even get an A. She sat down next to him. The teacher came up to the room announcing they would have a group work day. They were to discuss the book with their partners. Cadence couldn’t help but roll her eyes.
“You don’t have to give me no attitude,” Gus said accusingly.
“I wasn’t giving you attitude,” Cadence lied.
“Don’t lie to me,” Gus said. His eyes pierced her in a way that only one other had done before. Gus was surprisingly like Kerass, but whereas Kerass ran away from problems, Gus seemed to straight up address them.
“How do you do it?” Cadence asked.
“Uh, I think you should ask your parents about that one.”
“Ew! Not that! That’s disgusting!” Cadence said giving a shudder. “I mean how do you get A’s on the essays?”
“It’s quite simple really.”
“Stop with the bull! It comes so easy for you,” Cadence said shaking her head. “Stop rubbing it in my face.”
“Here let me see your last essay. I’ll try to see if I can help.”
“You never helped before,” Cadence spat at him.
“Well, you never really asked, now did you?”
Cadence glared at him but handed the essay over to him in spite of herself. Gus showed no emotions reading through the essay and it just killed her waiting for feedback.
“I think I can see what the problem is,” Gus said.
“What?”
“This is way too straightforward. You’re just summarizing what happened. The points you’re trying to make are way too vague and the summary takes up way too much space.”
“I don’t know how to avoid that!” Cadence shouted louder than she had intended to. Embarrassed she lowered her voice and said, “This is so hard!”
“Do you dream?”
“What does that have to do with anything?” Cadence asked incredulously.
“Just answer the question.”
“Yes, of course.”
“And when you dream,” Gus paused milking the moment, “do you dream in color?”
“Of course, doesn’t everybody?”
“Don’t dream in color. Dream in black and white. That way your dreams, or in this case the points you’re trying to make, will be that much more attainable, that much more defined.”
Cadence shook her head. “You’re so full of it.”
Gus laughed making Cadence more uncomfortable than ever. “Whatever, it works for me.”
A minute passed in silence. Cadence didn’t even look over at him while she waited for him to say something else. Frustrated to the point that she felt she would burst, she said, “Can’t you be any more specific than dream in black and white?” She continued saying how much he sucked for not being willing to help her out.
“You’re not very nice, are you?”
Cadence was taken aback. How dare he accuse her of not being nice! He barely knew her. The more she thought about it though, she recognized that the fact that she was upset by the accusation meant that she thought there was some truth to it. “Yeah, well, nice friends are fake friends.”
“That’s one way to look at it.”
Cadence sighed. Gus was right. She had been a total bitch to him this entire time. While he was closed off and distant, she hadn’t really taken the hint to butt out, or even attempted to start any sort of friendship with him. She didn’t know anything about him. Her heart sank. “I’m sorry,” she said genuinely. “I’m just…stressed is all.”
“Don’t worry about me,” he said smiling at her. “I’m not one to hold grudges.”
“Listen,” she began. She asked him if he would be willing to tutor her. “I mean, it’s obvious that I’m missing something. So what do you say? You and I?”
Gus took a deep breath. “Let me think about it.”
The bell rang signifying the start of lunch. Kerass leapt out of his seat beyond thrilled to be out of fifth period Algebra II. Math was his worst subject and it showed. He was barely pulling a C average. He was on the verge of being cut from the team. He was one percentage point away from a D. Even though his C had remained stagnant, he still was nervous every time he stepped into the classroom. He just didn’t get the material no matter how hard he tried to comprehend it.
Julia rushed to his side right on schedule. She gripped his arm so tightly he was afraid it would bruise. She had the biggest smile on her face.
“You seem extra peppy this afternoon,” he commented. He continued asking her what was the occasion that brought the happiness on.
She bit her lip before she said, “I’ve got a surprise for you…”
Kerass didn’t like the sound of that. Whenever Julia attempted to please him beyond making out it was a total bust. Unless it was an impromptu make-out session, he didn’t think he wanted to hear about it. He had too much on his mind, especially considering how his grades were slipping and not just in math. Every subject he had a letter grade below what his average was for freshmen year. Sophomore year was kicking his butt. The initial excitement of high school quickly faded once he realized it was just school.
Julia cleared her throat. “Are you even listening to me?” she asked.
“Yes, of course I am,” he lied. He hated lying, but lying to protect his girlfriend always beat telling the truth.
“So what’s your answer?”
Kerass stammered before asking her what her question was. She groaned frustrated, he could tell that making out was no longer a legitimate option.
“I promised my parents that we would have dinner tonight,” she said with glee. “I knew it would cheer you up.”
Kerass felt like his eyes lit with fire and his ears began fuming at the proposition. She had gone behind his back and made a promise that he bluntly said no to. He no longer cared how good the kissing was. She had manipulated him and that was disgusting.
“We’re done,” he said under his breath.
“What?” Julia asked her voice barely audible.
“You lied to me. That’s just unforgiveable…” he said trailing off. He murmured his final words, “I’m breaking up with you.”
Jay knew he was going to get into severe trouble with his dad for skipping classes, but he felt his quest to find out something about his birth mother was a worthy cause. He had found out a lot in the few hours he had searched. Her name was Dianne Lesley. She had him at the age of 16 and put him up for adoption. She had then married and relocated. Her new last name was Todd. Jay was amazed at how much information he had found out about her and how easily he found it. She was still alive. He would do anything in his power to meet her. The final line of text he read put him in a state of shock. Dianne Todd was working at Oak Stream High as a guidance counselor.
Sunday, July 6, 2014
Fallen Leaves - Chapter 14: Over Again
The kiss lasted longer than Cadence had anticipated. Kissing Damien felt good, safe. There was something so instantly familiar about it that it was hard to let go. Perhaps that was the thing she had been missing all along. Damien did seem to be head over heels in love with her. He changed schools for her. Maybe this wouldn’t have to be faked…maybe she could find herself falling in love again with Damien. It was in that moment that Damien shoved her away.
“Hey! What was that for?” Damien shouted at her.
Cadence stared dumbfounded at him. His eyes were empty. She had been wrong yet again. She was speechless.
“Huh?” Damien said adding that the kiss was completely uncalled for. “I’m waiting for an answer Cadence.”
“I…I just thought,” Cadence paused looking for a way out. “You said you would wait for me, that I had options.”
Damien rolled his eyes. “That was last year. I was an immature junior.”
“But you seemed so sincere-”
“I’m dating someone right now,” Damien said cutting Cadence off.
Jay walked over beaming at Damien. “I’ve got the most awesome news to share with you!”
Cadence looked at the two of them. She saw the way Damien’s eyes lit up when Jay walked over to them. She could read between the lines. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you had come out,” she said.
Damien looked at her his eyes widening. “Keep your voice down. No one in school knows about us, ok?”
Cadence responded that it was obvious. “I mean, it’s not like it’s something you two can hide. It’s just a cry of attention from you Damien, it’s not like you actually mean it.”
Damien’s eyes filled with hatred toward her. “Leave me and my boyfriend alone and don’t you ever talk to me again.”
“Whatever,” Cadence said walking away. Her reaction to the situation surprised herself. When Jay had come out to her, all she could do was be supportive and happy for him, but when Damien came out…she couldn’t even look at him he disgusted her so. Gus walked back up beside her. “Well, that was awkward,” he said suppressing a laugh. She stared at him unbelieving. It was his idea. He had done this.
“Go ahead and laugh all you want, but you ruined this for me. Leave me the hell alone,” Cadence whispered tears on the brink of falling down her face. She had nothing left, not even her dignity.
Kerass sat in the passengers seat in silence. He had been like this for a month. He had bottled up all of his emotions. He finally realized in this time of crisis that Julia wasn’t someone that he really trusted. He just wanted to make out with her. He was utterly convinced that Cadence was an emotional manipulator, but he couldn’t stop thinking about her. There was a more emotional connection with Cadence that made her all the more appealing, however, Julia had always been honest with him. If he was 100% truthful, Julia was hotter than Cadence too, which was an obvious plus. However, he just couldn’t get himself to share what was going on with her.
“Take all the time you need,” Julia said kissing him goodbye.
Kerass got out of the car standing in the parking lot of the hospital. He knew the only person who could truly hear him in this time of crisis was his mother.
Jay spent the entire morning in the band room practicing the color guard routine. In the month since he had inadvertently caused his boyfriend Damien to come out he had poured all his spare time into the marching band drill. He was quite good now and they were gearing up for their state performance. Marching bands were graded individually. There was no clear state winner. They were graded on a 4-point scale, 4 being fair, 3 being good, 2 being excellent, and 1 being superior. Only the top bands got a superior and Oak Stream was nowhere near a top band. They’d be lucky to get a 3. However, it was a great distraction from the wreck at home with his adopted father who he avoided constantly.
In the times since Cadence kissed Damien, Jay had tried to convince Damien to let it go and forgive her, but he stood his ground calling her manipulative and ultimately asked Jay to choose between himself and Cadence. Obviously Jay went with his boyfriend.
Jay hadn’t talked to Kerass all that much either. It was funny since he had a boyfriend he felt like he had never been happier, but he also felt more isolated than he had ever felt in his life. He wasn’t entirely sure what that said about him as a friend or a person, but once in Damien’s presence he didn’t really care.
Damien walked into the room immediately hugging Jay. Jay felt comfortable but only to a certain extent. He didn’t feel like he could spend forever here, but it was a good enough alternative.
Mr. Martin came out beaming asking Damien how he was doing.
“Doing well, Mr. Martin. Hey, thanks again for letting Jay in so late, it means the world to him,” Damien said ignoring the fact that Jay was standing right beside him. Jay gave him a look and then Damien said, “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to speak for you.”
Mr. Martin told them it was fine and that they brought a lot of joy to his life. “You two are my favorite couple in this school. I just think what you’re doing is so brave, so keep at it!”
Jay saw Damien’s face brighten up. Jay smiled to make Mr. Martin feel good, but he felt uncomfortable with what had been said. Jay didn’t want to stand out in this way. It felt weird, strange. He didn’t think of himself as brave and he got sick and tired of everyone telling him how brave he truly was. They were all so full of it. He didn’t want all this attention. He simply wanted to be in a normal relationship, but in high school that was impossible. They stood out like a sore thumb. Damien was a great protector. Strong and unmoving in his beliefs, but he wasn’t the best at reading what Jay wanted. Sometimes Jay just wanted some personal time just the two of them. It seemed like Damien was parading them down the school. He loved Damien he convinced himself, but he couldn’t escape the feeling of being used. Jay was beginning to regret having ever come out of the closet.
Kerass sat by her bedside taking her hand. The systematic breathing was devastating to him. He didn’t even know if he wanted to verbalize his pain this time. He was starting to give up hope. He didn’t even know if he believed she would ever wake up. He remained stagnant, just sat there contemplating what he should do. The only thing that came to mind was to use this time to internally process. He felt comfortable holding her hand and so there he remained.
It had sucked to find out circumstantially that Jay was in a relationship. He thought they were close enough that Jay would tell him instantly, but maybe he was just holding onto an idea of a friendship, a friendship that predated, but didn’t survive, high school. He was extremely uncomfortable with him dating his ex’s ex too. That was just plain weird and disgusting. He was uncomfortable overall with the idea of Jay dating another man, but he didn’t really know what to say. The only thing he could do was to be honest about how he felt. That wouldn’t go over well with Jay and especially Damien. That would be a nightmare.
The whole situation with Julia and Cadence was a nightmare too. He couldn’t believe he had gotten himself into so much drama again this year and he felt like he had done nothing wrong. He liked Julia, of that he was certain. She made him feel comfortable and loved. The fact that she was a great kisser obviously helped too. But she didn’t pry. She just let him be. Cadence on the other hand was overtly clingy, self-centered and emotionally distant. With all that out in the open though, he realized one thing: he liked Julia, but he loved Cadence. But was it really worth it to pursue Cadence with all of that emotional turmoil?
Kerass looked over at his mother breathing. No, it most definitely wasn’t worth it. He had enough turmoil in his life. He would stay with Julia, but then again was it worth it to even be in a relationship at all though?
“Help me,” he finally said out loud. “I’m lost.”
Cadence looked over her dresser. She couldn’t find what she was looking for. In the month since she had kissed Damien she felt empty. She felt nothing. Everything in her was screaming to feel something, but she couldn’t. Her grades had dropped dramatically. The only person who had come over periodically was Gus. It just felt like he would come over to gloat in her face. It probably wasn’t that, but she made herself believe that was what he was doing. Ultimately she would just ignore him, but within a week he was always standing up against her locker. She had no idea who he was and it was a mystery she wanted solved.
All of her relationships seemed to have been shot to hell. She had never felt so alone, so isolated in her life, but she was too passive to do anything about it. She just wanted to start all over again. She wanted help, but she was too afraid to ask for it. Rumors would get started again just like last time. While adults praise seeking help in all actuality seeking help in high school was torturous. Cadence would be bullied constantly and she didn’t think she could handle that. Maybe she could give herself a little help on her own though.
She decided then that she would take one of her mom’s sedatives. Her mom took sedatives daily. They definitely helped her mom’s mood. Cadence had avoided any drug enhancements. She wanted to be in complete control of her emotions, but she wanted to feel something more. One pill wouldn’t hurt anyone. It was just for today anyways. She knew this could make her feel better. It was justified for that reason alone. The only person who could help her now was herself. She had to do this to protect herself.
Tip-toeing down the hall, she walked into her mother’s bedroom. Her mom probably wouldn’t even notice if Cadence took one little pill. Looking over her shoulder she confirmed that her mother was nowhere in sight. She put the pill in her mouth and swallowed it.
“Hey! What was that for?” Damien shouted at her.
Cadence stared dumbfounded at him. His eyes were empty. She had been wrong yet again. She was speechless.
“Huh?” Damien said adding that the kiss was completely uncalled for. “I’m waiting for an answer Cadence.”
“I…I just thought,” Cadence paused looking for a way out. “You said you would wait for me, that I had options.”
Damien rolled his eyes. “That was last year. I was an immature junior.”
“But you seemed so sincere-”
“I’m dating someone right now,” Damien said cutting Cadence off.
Jay walked over beaming at Damien. “I’ve got the most awesome news to share with you!”
Cadence looked at the two of them. She saw the way Damien’s eyes lit up when Jay walked over to them. She could read between the lines. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you had come out,” she said.
Damien looked at her his eyes widening. “Keep your voice down. No one in school knows about us, ok?”
Cadence responded that it was obvious. “I mean, it’s not like it’s something you two can hide. It’s just a cry of attention from you Damien, it’s not like you actually mean it.”
Damien’s eyes filled with hatred toward her. “Leave me and my boyfriend alone and don’t you ever talk to me again.”
“Whatever,” Cadence said walking away. Her reaction to the situation surprised herself. When Jay had come out to her, all she could do was be supportive and happy for him, but when Damien came out…she couldn’t even look at him he disgusted her so. Gus walked back up beside her. “Well, that was awkward,” he said suppressing a laugh. She stared at him unbelieving. It was his idea. He had done this.
“Go ahead and laugh all you want, but you ruined this for me. Leave me the hell alone,” Cadence whispered tears on the brink of falling down her face. She had nothing left, not even her dignity.
Kerass sat in the passengers seat in silence. He had been like this for a month. He had bottled up all of his emotions. He finally realized in this time of crisis that Julia wasn’t someone that he really trusted. He just wanted to make out with her. He was utterly convinced that Cadence was an emotional manipulator, but he couldn’t stop thinking about her. There was a more emotional connection with Cadence that made her all the more appealing, however, Julia had always been honest with him. If he was 100% truthful, Julia was hotter than Cadence too, which was an obvious plus. However, he just couldn’t get himself to share what was going on with her.
“Take all the time you need,” Julia said kissing him goodbye.
Kerass got out of the car standing in the parking lot of the hospital. He knew the only person who could truly hear him in this time of crisis was his mother.
Jay spent the entire morning in the band room practicing the color guard routine. In the month since he had inadvertently caused his boyfriend Damien to come out he had poured all his spare time into the marching band drill. He was quite good now and they were gearing up for their state performance. Marching bands were graded individually. There was no clear state winner. They were graded on a 4-point scale, 4 being fair, 3 being good, 2 being excellent, and 1 being superior. Only the top bands got a superior and Oak Stream was nowhere near a top band. They’d be lucky to get a 3. However, it was a great distraction from the wreck at home with his adopted father who he avoided constantly.
In the times since Cadence kissed Damien, Jay had tried to convince Damien to let it go and forgive her, but he stood his ground calling her manipulative and ultimately asked Jay to choose between himself and Cadence. Obviously Jay went with his boyfriend.
Jay hadn’t talked to Kerass all that much either. It was funny since he had a boyfriend he felt like he had never been happier, but he also felt more isolated than he had ever felt in his life. He wasn’t entirely sure what that said about him as a friend or a person, but once in Damien’s presence he didn’t really care.
Damien walked into the room immediately hugging Jay. Jay felt comfortable but only to a certain extent. He didn’t feel like he could spend forever here, but it was a good enough alternative.
Mr. Martin came out beaming asking Damien how he was doing.
“Doing well, Mr. Martin. Hey, thanks again for letting Jay in so late, it means the world to him,” Damien said ignoring the fact that Jay was standing right beside him. Jay gave him a look and then Damien said, “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to speak for you.”
Mr. Martin told them it was fine and that they brought a lot of joy to his life. “You two are my favorite couple in this school. I just think what you’re doing is so brave, so keep at it!”
Jay saw Damien’s face brighten up. Jay smiled to make Mr. Martin feel good, but he felt uncomfortable with what had been said. Jay didn’t want to stand out in this way. It felt weird, strange. He didn’t think of himself as brave and he got sick and tired of everyone telling him how brave he truly was. They were all so full of it. He didn’t want all this attention. He simply wanted to be in a normal relationship, but in high school that was impossible. They stood out like a sore thumb. Damien was a great protector. Strong and unmoving in his beliefs, but he wasn’t the best at reading what Jay wanted. Sometimes Jay just wanted some personal time just the two of them. It seemed like Damien was parading them down the school. He loved Damien he convinced himself, but he couldn’t escape the feeling of being used. Jay was beginning to regret having ever come out of the closet.
Kerass sat by her bedside taking her hand. The systematic breathing was devastating to him. He didn’t even know if he wanted to verbalize his pain this time. He was starting to give up hope. He didn’t even know if he believed she would ever wake up. He remained stagnant, just sat there contemplating what he should do. The only thing that came to mind was to use this time to internally process. He felt comfortable holding her hand and so there he remained.
It had sucked to find out circumstantially that Jay was in a relationship. He thought they were close enough that Jay would tell him instantly, but maybe he was just holding onto an idea of a friendship, a friendship that predated, but didn’t survive, high school. He was extremely uncomfortable with him dating his ex’s ex too. That was just plain weird and disgusting. He was uncomfortable overall with the idea of Jay dating another man, but he didn’t really know what to say. The only thing he could do was to be honest about how he felt. That wouldn’t go over well with Jay and especially Damien. That would be a nightmare.
The whole situation with Julia and Cadence was a nightmare too. He couldn’t believe he had gotten himself into so much drama again this year and he felt like he had done nothing wrong. He liked Julia, of that he was certain. She made him feel comfortable and loved. The fact that she was a great kisser obviously helped too. But she didn’t pry. She just let him be. Cadence on the other hand was overtly clingy, self-centered and emotionally distant. With all that out in the open though, he realized one thing: he liked Julia, but he loved Cadence. But was it really worth it to pursue Cadence with all of that emotional turmoil?
Kerass looked over at his mother breathing. No, it most definitely wasn’t worth it. He had enough turmoil in his life. He would stay with Julia, but then again was it worth it to even be in a relationship at all though?
“Help me,” he finally said out loud. “I’m lost.”
Cadence looked over her dresser. She couldn’t find what she was looking for. In the month since she had kissed Damien she felt empty. She felt nothing. Everything in her was screaming to feel something, but she couldn’t. Her grades had dropped dramatically. The only person who had come over periodically was Gus. It just felt like he would come over to gloat in her face. It probably wasn’t that, but she made herself believe that was what he was doing. Ultimately she would just ignore him, but within a week he was always standing up against her locker. She had no idea who he was and it was a mystery she wanted solved.
All of her relationships seemed to have been shot to hell. She had never felt so alone, so isolated in her life, but she was too passive to do anything about it. She just wanted to start all over again. She wanted help, but she was too afraid to ask for it. Rumors would get started again just like last time. While adults praise seeking help in all actuality seeking help in high school was torturous. Cadence would be bullied constantly and she didn’t think she could handle that. Maybe she could give herself a little help on her own though.
She decided then that she would take one of her mom’s sedatives. Her mom took sedatives daily. They definitely helped her mom’s mood. Cadence had avoided any drug enhancements. She wanted to be in complete control of her emotions, but she wanted to feel something more. One pill wouldn’t hurt anyone. It was just for today anyways. She knew this could make her feel better. It was justified for that reason alone. The only person who could help her now was herself. She had to do this to protect herself.
Tip-toeing down the hall, she walked into her mother’s bedroom. Her mom probably wouldn’t even notice if Cadence took one little pill. Looking over her shoulder she confirmed that her mother was nowhere in sight. She put the pill in her mouth and swallowed it.
Sunday, June 29, 2014
Fallen Leaves - Chapter 13: One Thing
Julia cursed under her breath. Her plan had completely backfired. Not only had Cadence not gotten in trouble with the school or her parents, regrettably she found herself liking Cadence more and more every time she was with her, which had become quite frequent in the past month. Cadence had this essence to her of extreme insecurity, a striking boldness, and an intense vulnerability. She was truly the most fascinating person Julia had ever met. It made a lot of sense why Kerass had fallen for her, but that insecurity and boldness can get old really quick.
The truth was that hearing about Cadence’s family situation and about her expulsion and reacceptance to Our Savior gave her sympathy, which was entirely unexpected. If she had in any way attempted to legitimately steal Kerass back, that would’ve been a different scenario entirely, but Cadence just seemed so genuine. No, she couldn’t be trying to steal Kerass back. It just seems to go against her nature, she thought to herself.
Julia picked up her keys and began to shoot out of her bedroom. She gave her mother and father a kiss on the cheek in an attempt to rush out the door.
“Hold up, hold up,” her father interceded. She loved her parents and she would take time out of every morning to talk to them, but this morning she was in a total rush.
“Ok, Dad, but I don’t have a lot of time this morning,” she said explaining that she had slept through her alarm clock.
Her mother gave her father a look instantly causing him to back down. “We would just like to know when we would get to meet this boyfriend of yours,” she said calmly.
“Right, your mother and I want to invite him over to dinner this weekend.”
“I’ll ask him today,” Julia said rushing out the door. “Love you!” she yelled out racing toward her car. She had never had a boyfriend home for dinner. The truth was she had never had a boyfriend as long as she had been dating Kerass. This one seemed serious and it was nice that her parents noticed the difference. She started the car pleased that she could share him with her parents.
Jay journaled pressing his pen to the paper so hard that the black ink bled onto the following three pages. He was angry but he didn’t quite know why. He felt he had been lied to and that infuriated him. His thoughts were racing and the page caught every word, but he was very scatter brained that morning. He knew rereading the entry wasn’t an option because it wouldn’t make any sense. No, this morning it was simply therapeutic. He had to vent and he didn’t believe anyone would actually listen to him. Neither did he trust anyone enough to be that vulnerable. His heart was fragile. Going through the coming out process was taking a major toll on him and he was afraid of getting hurt one more time.
Going through this process made him think through his early years. Did he always know? Well, he wasn’t entirely sure to be honest. He never knew his mother. His mother died giving birth to him and for some reason he never felt compelled to ask his dad about her…until now. With his weird non-revelation about his sexuality it seemed all the more pressing that they needed to talk, but he was afraid. What he might discover, the uncertainty of it all, it was just too much to handle.
He packed up his things and walked towards the door.
“Hold it!” the voice of his father came stopping Jay with his hand on the doorknob. His father continued saying he was hoping they could sit down and talk this morning.
“Dad, I’m about to miss the bus.”
“But I usually drive you, son.”
Jay sighed saying he had an extra question about his Algebra II assignment and he wanted to get there early enough to ask it before the assignment was actually due.
“That’s just an excuse. I can read it in your eyes,” his father continued saying that he recognized Jay’s avoidance card.
Jay sighing with defeat said, “All right, I’m listening.”
His father’s eyes welled up. A tear slowly fell down his face. Jay couldn’t even look him in the face he was so uncomfortable watching his father cry. Recognizing there was no going back, Jay decided to ask the question he had never thought to ask before.
“Dad, I know I’ve never asked this before but can we talk about Mom?”
It was then that his father started balling. Jay’s thoughts told him to go over and comfort his father, but his body wouldn’t listen to his mind.
Finally, after his father calmed himself down, he said, “I never knew her.”
Jay was speechless. “What are you saying?”
“I’ve never been with a woman, Jay. I adopted you.”
Jay couldn’t believe his ears. It was almost like he was frozen in time. The only thing that was calm and steady inside of him was the beating of his own heart. He felt like everything he believed about who he was and where he came from was a lie. In...out...in...out. Breathe! he told himself. All of this happened within 5 seconds as he noticed his father continuing in mid-sentence.
“but you mean every-”
Jay had heard enough. He stormed out of the house slamming the door behind him. He didn’t care how long it took him to get to school or how late he would be as long as he was as far away from his father as possible.
“No!” Kerass shouted louder than he intended to. He avoided Julia’s eyes knowing that she was either offended or disappointed, more than likely a mixture of the two.
“No?” Julia asked incredulously.
He responded saying that it wasn’t her or that he was ashamed to be in a relationship with her. “I just don’t really trust adults is all.”
“I’m calling bs on that! You know that’s a lame excuse,” she continued saying that it made no sense.
“It makes total sense!” he replied defensively.
“No, it doesn’t,” she sighed. She went on saying that he wasn’t a troublemaker. “You always submit to authority, Kerass.”
“It’s not adults…exactly,” he said tentatively. “Listen, the last time I had a dinner with the ‘rents my dad just derailed me in front of my date.” He finished saying he would never allow it to happen again.
“You don’t have to worry with my parents-” Julia began.
Kerass cut her off saying, “I said no and I meant it.”
“Whatever,” she said shoving him out of her way.
Kerass stood his ground not even turning to look at her.
Jay didn’t even know why he was here. He wasn’t a music person…at all. He was a theater embryo, but he just didn’t know if he felt safe in that kind of environment anymore, which made no sense at all, he admitted. Truthfully he wanted an extra curricular and fast to spend the least amount of time at home that he could. He saw the sign up sheet in the hallway and during his study hall period he made his way down to the band room.
The room was completely empty. The teacher was busy listening to some band piece that Jay didn’t recognize. Jay knocked on his office door. The teacher held up his finger not turning his chair around to see him.
Jay waited a minute before saying, “Mr. Martin?”
Again the teacher didn’t turn around while shushing him. Jay waited another minute until finally the piece ended. “I just love that piece,” Mr. Martin said turning his chair around. “It’s called Aurora Awakes composed by John Mackey. You ever heard it?”
“Um…” Jay paused not knowing what to do. “No,” he said revealing the truth.
Mr. Martin smiled and told him that he would be happy to play it for him now.
“That’s not the reason I came in actually.”
“I’m all ears,” Mr. Martin told him with a smile on his face.
Jay sighed, he couldn’t believe what he was about to say and he felt so gay for saying it out loud at all. “I want to join the color guard in your marching band.”
Mr. Martin raised his eyebrows. “I’ve gotta be honest with you, we’ve never had a male in the color guard,” he said. He continued saying that he was totally open to the idea, but Jay was far behind and he would have to spend several hours after school every day to catch up.
“That sounds perfect, when do I start?” Jay asked too eagerly.
“Not so fast,” Mr. Martin said holding his index finger up. He turned over to his computer putting One Direction on and said, “Show me what you’ve got. Dance.”
Jay smiled recognizing his favorite band. The first move he made effortlessly flowed into the next. He felt he was born to dance in that moment. He couldn’t help but belt along. Mr. Martin remained stoic looking at him dance and sing the whole song. The song ended before he knew it. Mr. Martin didn’t offer any feedback either positive or negative, which only made Jay more nervous.
“You have no rhythm,” Mr. Martin began, crushing Jay’s hopes, “but you have something very special. You’ve got that one thing I’ve been looking for: spontaneity. I like you.”
Jay beamed bigger than he had ever beamed before.
“It will take a lot, a lot of effort, but I’m willing to work with you.”
Jay bit his tongue to prevent himself from screaming out loud.
“You’re in.”
Jay moved forward to hug him, but deciding against it at the last moment. He instead held out his hand and they shook. He was thrilled to have to work so hard to be a part of the color guard. Anything that was a major distraction was a blessing at this point.
Cadence closed her locker. Looking over at Kerass, envy filled and enraged her. She felt bitterness course through her veins. She wanted him back, but she had messed up. There was no possible way that she could get him back now. Gus came over and stood next to her locker. He looked over at Kerass, then back at Cadence.
“You’ve got the hots for him.”
“I do not!” Cadence said defensively.
“Lying isn’t going to help you get him back,” Gus said smugly.
“Oh yeah? Then what will, huh?” Cadence challenged him fire burning in her eyes.
“Date someone who would make him jealous.”
Cadence smiled. “That’s not a bad idea,” she whispered to herself ignoring the fact that Gus was still there. She looked over and saw Damien walking down the hallway.
“Cadence!” Damien called out hugging her.
She looked over and made sure she had eye contact with Kerass before she kissed Damien on the lips.
The truth was that hearing about Cadence’s family situation and about her expulsion and reacceptance to Our Savior gave her sympathy, which was entirely unexpected. If she had in any way attempted to legitimately steal Kerass back, that would’ve been a different scenario entirely, but Cadence just seemed so genuine. No, she couldn’t be trying to steal Kerass back. It just seems to go against her nature, she thought to herself.
Julia picked up her keys and began to shoot out of her bedroom. She gave her mother and father a kiss on the cheek in an attempt to rush out the door.
“Hold up, hold up,” her father interceded. She loved her parents and she would take time out of every morning to talk to them, but this morning she was in a total rush.
“Ok, Dad, but I don’t have a lot of time this morning,” she said explaining that she had slept through her alarm clock.
Her mother gave her father a look instantly causing him to back down. “We would just like to know when we would get to meet this boyfriend of yours,” she said calmly.
“Right, your mother and I want to invite him over to dinner this weekend.”
“I’ll ask him today,” Julia said rushing out the door. “Love you!” she yelled out racing toward her car. She had never had a boyfriend home for dinner. The truth was she had never had a boyfriend as long as she had been dating Kerass. This one seemed serious and it was nice that her parents noticed the difference. She started the car pleased that she could share him with her parents.
Jay journaled pressing his pen to the paper so hard that the black ink bled onto the following three pages. He was angry but he didn’t quite know why. He felt he had been lied to and that infuriated him. His thoughts were racing and the page caught every word, but he was very scatter brained that morning. He knew rereading the entry wasn’t an option because it wouldn’t make any sense. No, this morning it was simply therapeutic. He had to vent and he didn’t believe anyone would actually listen to him. Neither did he trust anyone enough to be that vulnerable. His heart was fragile. Going through the coming out process was taking a major toll on him and he was afraid of getting hurt one more time.
Going through this process made him think through his early years. Did he always know? Well, he wasn’t entirely sure to be honest. He never knew his mother. His mother died giving birth to him and for some reason he never felt compelled to ask his dad about her…until now. With his weird non-revelation about his sexuality it seemed all the more pressing that they needed to talk, but he was afraid. What he might discover, the uncertainty of it all, it was just too much to handle.
He packed up his things and walked towards the door.
“Hold it!” the voice of his father came stopping Jay with his hand on the doorknob. His father continued saying he was hoping they could sit down and talk this morning.
“Dad, I’m about to miss the bus.”
“But I usually drive you, son.”
Jay sighed saying he had an extra question about his Algebra II assignment and he wanted to get there early enough to ask it before the assignment was actually due.
“That’s just an excuse. I can read it in your eyes,” his father continued saying that he recognized Jay’s avoidance card.
Jay sighing with defeat said, “All right, I’m listening.”
His father’s eyes welled up. A tear slowly fell down his face. Jay couldn’t even look him in the face he was so uncomfortable watching his father cry. Recognizing there was no going back, Jay decided to ask the question he had never thought to ask before.
“Dad, I know I’ve never asked this before but can we talk about Mom?”
It was then that his father started balling. Jay’s thoughts told him to go over and comfort his father, but his body wouldn’t listen to his mind.
Finally, after his father calmed himself down, he said, “I never knew her.”
Jay was speechless. “What are you saying?”
“I’ve never been with a woman, Jay. I adopted you.”
Jay couldn’t believe his ears. It was almost like he was frozen in time. The only thing that was calm and steady inside of him was the beating of his own heart. He felt like everything he believed about who he was and where he came from was a lie. In...out...in...out. Breathe! he told himself. All of this happened within 5 seconds as he noticed his father continuing in mid-sentence.
“but you mean every-”
Jay had heard enough. He stormed out of the house slamming the door behind him. He didn’t care how long it took him to get to school or how late he would be as long as he was as far away from his father as possible.
“No!” Kerass shouted louder than he intended to. He avoided Julia’s eyes knowing that she was either offended or disappointed, more than likely a mixture of the two.
“No?” Julia asked incredulously.
He responded saying that it wasn’t her or that he was ashamed to be in a relationship with her. “I just don’t really trust adults is all.”
“I’m calling bs on that! You know that’s a lame excuse,” she continued saying that it made no sense.
“It makes total sense!” he replied defensively.
“No, it doesn’t,” she sighed. She went on saying that he wasn’t a troublemaker. “You always submit to authority, Kerass.”
“It’s not adults…exactly,” he said tentatively. “Listen, the last time I had a dinner with the ‘rents my dad just derailed me in front of my date.” He finished saying he would never allow it to happen again.
“You don’t have to worry with my parents-” Julia began.
Kerass cut her off saying, “I said no and I meant it.”
“Whatever,” she said shoving him out of her way.
Kerass stood his ground not even turning to look at her.
Jay didn’t even know why he was here. He wasn’t a music person…at all. He was a theater embryo, but he just didn’t know if he felt safe in that kind of environment anymore, which made no sense at all, he admitted. Truthfully he wanted an extra curricular and fast to spend the least amount of time at home that he could. He saw the sign up sheet in the hallway and during his study hall period he made his way down to the band room.
The room was completely empty. The teacher was busy listening to some band piece that Jay didn’t recognize. Jay knocked on his office door. The teacher held up his finger not turning his chair around to see him.
Jay waited a minute before saying, “Mr. Martin?”
Again the teacher didn’t turn around while shushing him. Jay waited another minute until finally the piece ended. “I just love that piece,” Mr. Martin said turning his chair around. “It’s called Aurora Awakes composed by John Mackey. You ever heard it?”
“Um…” Jay paused not knowing what to do. “No,” he said revealing the truth.
Mr. Martin smiled and told him that he would be happy to play it for him now.
“That’s not the reason I came in actually.”
“I’m all ears,” Mr. Martin told him with a smile on his face.
Jay sighed, he couldn’t believe what he was about to say and he felt so gay for saying it out loud at all. “I want to join the color guard in your marching band.”
Mr. Martin raised his eyebrows. “I’ve gotta be honest with you, we’ve never had a male in the color guard,” he said. He continued saying that he was totally open to the idea, but Jay was far behind and he would have to spend several hours after school every day to catch up.
“That sounds perfect, when do I start?” Jay asked too eagerly.
“Not so fast,” Mr. Martin said holding his index finger up. He turned over to his computer putting One Direction on and said, “Show me what you’ve got. Dance.”
Jay smiled recognizing his favorite band. The first move he made effortlessly flowed into the next. He felt he was born to dance in that moment. He couldn’t help but belt along. Mr. Martin remained stoic looking at him dance and sing the whole song. The song ended before he knew it. Mr. Martin didn’t offer any feedback either positive or negative, which only made Jay more nervous.
“You have no rhythm,” Mr. Martin began, crushing Jay’s hopes, “but you have something very special. You’ve got that one thing I’ve been looking for: spontaneity. I like you.”
Jay beamed bigger than he had ever beamed before.
“It will take a lot, a lot of effort, but I’m willing to work with you.”
Jay bit his tongue to prevent himself from screaming out loud.
“You’re in.”
Jay moved forward to hug him, but deciding against it at the last moment. He instead held out his hand and they shook. He was thrilled to have to work so hard to be a part of the color guard. Anything that was a major distraction was a blessing at this point.
Cadence closed her locker. Looking over at Kerass, envy filled and enraged her. She felt bitterness course through her veins. She wanted him back, but she had messed up. There was no possible way that she could get him back now. Gus came over and stood next to her locker. He looked over at Kerass, then back at Cadence.
“You’ve got the hots for him.”
“I do not!” Cadence said defensively.
“Lying isn’t going to help you get him back,” Gus said smugly.
“Oh yeah? Then what will, huh?” Cadence challenged him fire burning in her eyes.
“Date someone who would make him jealous.”
Cadence smiled. “That’s not a bad idea,” she whispered to herself ignoring the fact that Gus was still there. She looked over and saw Damien walking down the hallway.
“Cadence!” Damien called out hugging her.
She looked over and made sure she had eye contact with Kerass before she kissed Damien on the lips.
Sunday, June 22, 2014
Fallen Leaves - Chapter 12: Right Now
Kerass walked down the sophomore locker hallway searching for her. It had been a week and he had only seen her once briefly catching her eye on the first day of school. They didn’t have a single class together and he couldn’t help but feel that she was avoiding him. He found himself at a standstill. He was angry at Cadence for avoiding him, but he knew that if he pursued her Julia would be angry at him. He didn’t know what to do and all of a sudden it made sense to him why Cadence was avoiding him. He still blamed her for being a coward and he was still mad at her, but he understood why she created a distance between them.
The moment he and Julia became official he hadn’t talked to Jay. He felt bad for ditching his best friend for a girl, but she helped him forget all of his problems and well Jay was a constant reminder of them. He just wanted the school year to be over and it was only the second week. Sophomore year was going to majorly suck.
Finally giving up on seeing Cadence he stopped by his locker and pulled his Chemistry book out for first period. A guy was putting his stuff into the locker. That locker had been vacant a week ago. The guy had a completely shaved head, a full beard, jeans with holes up and down them and a t-shirt that had holes around his stomach. His hand lay inside the hole in his t-shirt as he pulled out the same Chemistry book that Kerass had pulled out. He closed his locker and looked straight at Kerass.
“Hey,” he said.
“Hey, uh, I’m Kerass by the way. What’s your name?” Kerass asked.
“Gus.”
“Cool name,” Kerass said and then instantly shook his head. What a stupid thing to say. Trying to move on quickly to not sustain the embarrassment he said, “You got Ms. Williams for Chem?”
Gus nodded his head.
“Do you have her first period?”
Gus shook his head.
“Ok, I guess I’ll just see you around then.”
Gus shrugged putting ear buds in his ears while walking away. Kerass felt so inferior to Gus it wasn’t even funny. The craziest thing was he didn’t say anything that would have implied that Gus felt superior to Kerass, but just his nonchalant mannerisms in the conversation made Kerass boil inside. A lack of passion was worse than death to Kerass and Gus appeared to not have a single drop of passion running through his veins. Taking a few deep breaths, calming himself down, he walked upstairs and prepared his mind for chemistry class at 7:20 in the morning.
Julia sighed as she started to walk down the sophomore hallway. While it was at least passable to talk to sophomores it was still way uncool as a junior. She was looking for Kerass but it looked as if he had gone to class early…again. Rolling her eyes, Julia continued to walk down the hallway. A girl caught her eyes putting her books in her locker. She looked familiar, but she couldn’t tell from where.
Walking straight up to her Julia said, “I recognize you from something. What is it?”
“I have no idea I’ve never seen you before, emphasis on the never part,” Cadence replied.
Julia thought back trying to remember why she stood out to her. “Oh, I remember!” Julia exclaimed. She continued saying that she recognized Cadence from the peer support group flyers the previous year.
“Well that was a bust,” Cadence said slamming her locker shut. “No one showed up except for one person. It didn’t even go past a single meeting.”
“I’m Julia, by the way.”
“Cadence,” She replied holding out her hand. Julia shook it. Cadence continued asking why the sudden recognition. “I mean that was a long time ago. Why didn’t you say anything then?”
“Duh, you were a freshmen then and it’s high school suicide to talk to freshmen, it’s sacrilege.”
Cadence smiled. Julia felt it was a fake smile, but she didn’t care. She wanted Cadence to be her friend and that would happen. When Julia wanted something she got it. Plus, from her heart for peers she felt Cadence would be great friends with Kerass. She wanted to be the type of girlfriend that was totally ok with letting her boyfriend have friends that just happened to be girls. She wasn’t the jealous type and looking down at Cadence she thought what would she be jealous about anyways? Cadence wasn’t a knockout in any sense of the word…still she wondered if Kerass could handle having a friend who was a girl. There seemed to always be strings attached when it came to Kerass. On second thought, it made more sense for Cadence to be her friend first as opposed to bringing Kerass into the equation.
“What are you doing after school?” Julia asked with the peppiest voice she could muster.
“I have no plans. I mean, it’s only the second week.”
Julia asked Cadence if she wanted to meet up after school that day. Cadence replied that she would love to. “It’ll give us a chance to get to know each other better, you know?” Cadence said.
“Awesome. I’ll just come over and grab you,” Julia said. She told Cadence how nice it was to have finally met her and then turned around and walked away. Cadence intrigued her and she didn’t know why. The warning bell rang. Julia casually walked into her English classroom with a smirk on her face. It finally dawned on her. Cadence had been Kerass’ first girlfriend. In their first week of getting to know each other he never stopped talking about her unless they were making out with each other, which truthfully was quite often after the first day. She was letting her boyfriend’s ex get close to her…what was she thinking? She smiled. I’m just keeping my enemy as close to myself as possible, she thought to herself. She had made fast friends with her boyfriend’s ex and just as quickly labeled her an enemy and decided she would ruin Cadence’s life. All of this was happening way too early for 7:20 in the morning. It was definitely going to be an interesting school year.
Cadence sat down in her sophomore Pre-IB English class. They were currently reading Lord of the Flies. As dull as the book had been, the class discussions were even worse. The book killed trees by wasting paper considering there was no heart in it. Now THAT would be a worthy discussion in class. Looking over at her assigned desk she realized that Gus had finally made it to school. She sat down next to Gus without making any introduction. They waited for the teacher to arrive. He was usually late anyways. After 15 minutes of waiting, they decided they would just talk to each other and wait until the teacher showed up.
“Hey,” Gus said looking over at Cadence.
“Hey,” Cadence replied and then looked over at the class schedule on the board beside her.
“You’re not very talkative are you?”
“Not at 7:35 a.m.”
Gus started giggling. The longer he laughed, the louder he became. It got so loud that all the other conversations stopped. Cadence couldn’t believe it. He seemed like he was high on his first day at a new school! As quickly as his laughing fit started it stopped. Cadence scowled at him. She hated being even near the center of attention and Gus had just had everyone focus on him.
“Sorry your bluntness just took me off guard.”
“Really?” Cadence asked and added that he should get used to it. “Oak Stream is littered with blunt people. I’m actually considered quiet here.”
“If you’re quiet I don’t think I ever want to meet the loudest person here.”
“Who are you anyway?”
“My name’s Gus if that’s what you’re ask-”
Cadence shook her head. “I mean, what are you passionate about? What makes you tick?”
“Nothing really,” Gus replied shrugging.
Cadence wasn’t frustrated, she was curious. “Maybe you don’t know what you’re passionate about yet and that’s ok,” she said unleashing the counselor inside of her.
“Don’t analyze me. You can just stop wasting your time now. Not even professionals have been able to crack me. What makes you think that you, a sophomore high school girl, could figure that out for me?”
Gus’ voice had risen showing some form of passion. If he really lacked any at all, he would have been monotone, deadpan. His eyes had been alit with fire in defense when she suggested that he didn’t know what he was passionate about. She knew that he knew, but he appeared like he would take that passion to the grave.
“You don’t have to get all defensive,” Cadence whispered.
“What’s there to be defensive about? There’s nothing to talk about now is there?”
Cadence bit her lip. “You were the one who had started this conversation…” she said trailing off.
“Well if I started it then I should end it, shouldn’t I? We’re done talking for today. Leave me alone for the rest of the hour.”
Cadence and Gus sat in silence for the rest of the hour. The teacher never showed up in the entire hour and a half block. When the bell rang, Cadence shot up out of her desk pushing the door open as hard as possible causing it to slam against the wall. She wanted to get away from Gus as quickly as possible. She had been packed a solid half-hour before the bell was going to ring.
She noticed the movement before she recognized his face. Damien was now standing beside her with his bright red Seniors shirt on. He pointed at the word with the goofiest smile on his face. “Pretty cool shirt, huh?” he asked.
“Yeah it would be if I could wear it,” Cadence snapped back. She hated how seniors flaunted class ranking around like a caste system.
“Oh you’ll be able to in due time. It’s only 3 more years right?” Damien smiled and told her it was great to see her again.
“Please don’t say you waited for me all summer,” Cadence said secretly hoping that he had.
Damien shook his head. “I didn’t, don’t you worry about that. I had a very eye opening summer, went through a ton of changes. I feel like I’m truly happy for once. I want to savor every second of senior year that I can.”
Cadence sighed realizing that when she left for Our Savior, she had left people’s thoughts at Oak Stream. Her decision to return constantly seemed like a mistake. “I’m happy for you,” she paused taking a deep breath, “really.”
“We should talk, catch up soon, yeah?”
Julia waved over to her beckoning her to come, her car keys jingling. The second block hadn’t even begun. She decided then that she was going to ditch the rest of the day and spend it with Julia.
“Cadence?” Damien asked.
“Yeah, soon. That’s chill.” Cadence told him she would see him later and walked away. She felt empowered being a sophomore ditching her first class. Julia smiled at her. Right now the only thing she wanted to do was ditch. She knew then that this was going to be a day to remember.
The moment he and Julia became official he hadn’t talked to Jay. He felt bad for ditching his best friend for a girl, but she helped him forget all of his problems and well Jay was a constant reminder of them. He just wanted the school year to be over and it was only the second week. Sophomore year was going to majorly suck.
Finally giving up on seeing Cadence he stopped by his locker and pulled his Chemistry book out for first period. A guy was putting his stuff into the locker. That locker had been vacant a week ago. The guy had a completely shaved head, a full beard, jeans with holes up and down them and a t-shirt that had holes around his stomach. His hand lay inside the hole in his t-shirt as he pulled out the same Chemistry book that Kerass had pulled out. He closed his locker and looked straight at Kerass.
“Hey,” he said.
“Hey, uh, I’m Kerass by the way. What’s your name?” Kerass asked.
“Gus.”
“Cool name,” Kerass said and then instantly shook his head. What a stupid thing to say. Trying to move on quickly to not sustain the embarrassment he said, “You got Ms. Williams for Chem?”
Gus nodded his head.
“Do you have her first period?”
Gus shook his head.
“Ok, I guess I’ll just see you around then.”
Gus shrugged putting ear buds in his ears while walking away. Kerass felt so inferior to Gus it wasn’t even funny. The craziest thing was he didn’t say anything that would have implied that Gus felt superior to Kerass, but just his nonchalant mannerisms in the conversation made Kerass boil inside. A lack of passion was worse than death to Kerass and Gus appeared to not have a single drop of passion running through his veins. Taking a few deep breaths, calming himself down, he walked upstairs and prepared his mind for chemistry class at 7:20 in the morning.
Julia sighed as she started to walk down the sophomore hallway. While it was at least passable to talk to sophomores it was still way uncool as a junior. She was looking for Kerass but it looked as if he had gone to class early…again. Rolling her eyes, Julia continued to walk down the hallway. A girl caught her eyes putting her books in her locker. She looked familiar, but she couldn’t tell from where.
Walking straight up to her Julia said, “I recognize you from something. What is it?”
“I have no idea I’ve never seen you before, emphasis on the never part,” Cadence replied.
Julia thought back trying to remember why she stood out to her. “Oh, I remember!” Julia exclaimed. She continued saying that she recognized Cadence from the peer support group flyers the previous year.
“Well that was a bust,” Cadence said slamming her locker shut. “No one showed up except for one person. It didn’t even go past a single meeting.”
“I’m Julia, by the way.”
“Cadence,” She replied holding out her hand. Julia shook it. Cadence continued asking why the sudden recognition. “I mean that was a long time ago. Why didn’t you say anything then?”
“Duh, you were a freshmen then and it’s high school suicide to talk to freshmen, it’s sacrilege.”
Cadence smiled. Julia felt it was a fake smile, but she didn’t care. She wanted Cadence to be her friend and that would happen. When Julia wanted something she got it. Plus, from her heart for peers she felt Cadence would be great friends with Kerass. She wanted to be the type of girlfriend that was totally ok with letting her boyfriend have friends that just happened to be girls. She wasn’t the jealous type and looking down at Cadence she thought what would she be jealous about anyways? Cadence wasn’t a knockout in any sense of the word…still she wondered if Kerass could handle having a friend who was a girl. There seemed to always be strings attached when it came to Kerass. On second thought, it made more sense for Cadence to be her friend first as opposed to bringing Kerass into the equation.
“What are you doing after school?” Julia asked with the peppiest voice she could muster.
“I have no plans. I mean, it’s only the second week.”
Julia asked Cadence if she wanted to meet up after school that day. Cadence replied that she would love to. “It’ll give us a chance to get to know each other better, you know?” Cadence said.
“Awesome. I’ll just come over and grab you,” Julia said. She told Cadence how nice it was to have finally met her and then turned around and walked away. Cadence intrigued her and she didn’t know why. The warning bell rang. Julia casually walked into her English classroom with a smirk on her face. It finally dawned on her. Cadence had been Kerass’ first girlfriend. In their first week of getting to know each other he never stopped talking about her unless they were making out with each other, which truthfully was quite often after the first day. She was letting her boyfriend’s ex get close to her…what was she thinking? She smiled. I’m just keeping my enemy as close to myself as possible, she thought to herself. She had made fast friends with her boyfriend’s ex and just as quickly labeled her an enemy and decided she would ruin Cadence’s life. All of this was happening way too early for 7:20 in the morning. It was definitely going to be an interesting school year.
Cadence sat down in her sophomore Pre-IB English class. They were currently reading Lord of the Flies. As dull as the book had been, the class discussions were even worse. The book killed trees by wasting paper considering there was no heart in it. Now THAT would be a worthy discussion in class. Looking over at her assigned desk she realized that Gus had finally made it to school. She sat down next to Gus without making any introduction. They waited for the teacher to arrive. He was usually late anyways. After 15 minutes of waiting, they decided they would just talk to each other and wait until the teacher showed up.
“Hey,” Gus said looking over at Cadence.
“Hey,” Cadence replied and then looked over at the class schedule on the board beside her.
“You’re not very talkative are you?”
“Not at 7:35 a.m.”
Gus started giggling. The longer he laughed, the louder he became. It got so loud that all the other conversations stopped. Cadence couldn’t believe it. He seemed like he was high on his first day at a new school! As quickly as his laughing fit started it stopped. Cadence scowled at him. She hated being even near the center of attention and Gus had just had everyone focus on him.
“Sorry your bluntness just took me off guard.”
“Really?” Cadence asked and added that he should get used to it. “Oak Stream is littered with blunt people. I’m actually considered quiet here.”
“If you’re quiet I don’t think I ever want to meet the loudest person here.”
“Who are you anyway?”
“My name’s Gus if that’s what you’re ask-”
Cadence shook her head. “I mean, what are you passionate about? What makes you tick?”
“Nothing really,” Gus replied shrugging.
Cadence wasn’t frustrated, she was curious. “Maybe you don’t know what you’re passionate about yet and that’s ok,” she said unleashing the counselor inside of her.
“Don’t analyze me. You can just stop wasting your time now. Not even professionals have been able to crack me. What makes you think that you, a sophomore high school girl, could figure that out for me?”
Gus’ voice had risen showing some form of passion. If he really lacked any at all, he would have been monotone, deadpan. His eyes had been alit with fire in defense when she suggested that he didn’t know what he was passionate about. She knew that he knew, but he appeared like he would take that passion to the grave.
“You don’t have to get all defensive,” Cadence whispered.
“What’s there to be defensive about? There’s nothing to talk about now is there?”
Cadence bit her lip. “You were the one who had started this conversation…” she said trailing off.
“Well if I started it then I should end it, shouldn’t I? We’re done talking for today. Leave me alone for the rest of the hour.”
Cadence and Gus sat in silence for the rest of the hour. The teacher never showed up in the entire hour and a half block. When the bell rang, Cadence shot up out of her desk pushing the door open as hard as possible causing it to slam against the wall. She wanted to get away from Gus as quickly as possible. She had been packed a solid half-hour before the bell was going to ring.
She noticed the movement before she recognized his face. Damien was now standing beside her with his bright red Seniors shirt on. He pointed at the word with the goofiest smile on his face. “Pretty cool shirt, huh?” he asked.
“Yeah it would be if I could wear it,” Cadence snapped back. She hated how seniors flaunted class ranking around like a caste system.
“Oh you’ll be able to in due time. It’s only 3 more years right?” Damien smiled and told her it was great to see her again.
“Please don’t say you waited for me all summer,” Cadence said secretly hoping that he had.
Damien shook his head. “I didn’t, don’t you worry about that. I had a very eye opening summer, went through a ton of changes. I feel like I’m truly happy for once. I want to savor every second of senior year that I can.”
Cadence sighed realizing that when she left for Our Savior, she had left people’s thoughts at Oak Stream. Her decision to return constantly seemed like a mistake. “I’m happy for you,” she paused taking a deep breath, “really.”
“We should talk, catch up soon, yeah?”
Julia waved over to her beckoning her to come, her car keys jingling. The second block hadn’t even begun. She decided then that she was going to ditch the rest of the day and spend it with Julia.
“Cadence?” Damien asked.
“Yeah, soon. That’s chill.” Cadence told him she would see him later and walked away. She felt empowered being a sophomore ditching her first class. Julia smiled at her. Right now the only thing she wanted to do was ditch. She knew then that this was going to be a day to remember.
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Fallen Leaves - Chapter 11: I Wish
I wish I could start all over again, Cadence thought as her alarm clock woke her up in the morning. It went off earlier than she had anticipated. She got to sleep in later at Our Savior. They didn’t officially start classes until 8:30. Oak Stream began class at 7:20. The summer was spent overseas in London. She wanted to get away from everything: her mother, Kerass, and her ‘friends’ at Our Savior (she used the term lightly in her mind). Everybody wanted something different from her and it was incredibly overbearing. Her mother wanted her to succeed, but the pressures from everyone else around her for personal attention or a different sense of morality only made the pressure to succeed that much greater. Kerass wanted her to be as pure as a white rose, but she was already red. She was utterly convinced that he was still pining over her. She didn’t exactly know how she would break it to him that it was over. Her peers at Our Savior relished in the fact that she had broken the rules and wanted all the dirty details, which only disgusted her. It was a personal matter and should never be talked about outside of those intimate relationships. They also itched to know what public school was truly like. The only thing she could tell them was that it was even more dramatic than the soap operas on television.
Rolling herself out of bed was harder considering she was suffering from jet lag. The day after the school year ended, she was on a plane to London for the summer. It ended up being a decision she lived to regret, but she didn’t want to dwell on it now. She didn’t fully know why but she had decided to go back to Oak Stream for the beginning of her sophomore year. She hadn’t been kicked out, she just didn’t feel a religious education, or a religious life for that matter, was something that she wanted.
In the last week alone, she had done all of her summer reading assignments. Her time in London was distracting to say the very least. Luckily two of her classes had the same book to read: Lord of the Flies. She found it both boring and pointless, but she would never say so in an analysis she was going to turn in. She wouldn’t praise the book either. She would just parrot what the teacher had said, but that’s impossible to do for a summer project, so she played it safe and just gave it slight but not overwhelming praise. Looking over at the clock she knew she had to head on out of the door and fast. She wouldn’t be the most presentable, but hardly anyone was the first day of their sophomore year of high school.
She heard her mother’s voice the instant she began to walk down the stairs. “Did you have a great time at London, darling?” she asked adding that she hadn’t asked because Cadence had looked so tired the previous afternoon.
“Not now, Mom,” she said harsher than she had intended. Taking a breath she stated that she was sorry and that she had to rush out the door because she still hadn’t adjusted not only to the time zone but to an earlier start for school again. She kissed her mother on the cheek as she ran out the door.
Cadence saw the bus in the distance. She ran to the bus as fast as she could stepping onto the bus just in the nick of time. The bus driver commented that she was cutting it kind of close. “Thanks for waiting,” Cadence said. The bus driver told her to have a seat. She sat down in the second seat of the bus.
All of what little energy she had that morning was spent trying not to turn around and see if Kerass was sleeping at the back of the bus. She didn’t know what to do. Even though she accused him in her mind of dwelling on her all summer, she had in fact been thinking of him even though it was trying to escape him. She couldn’t help but return. It seemed like an inevitability. She drummed her thumbs on the seat in front of her. The rhythmic beating of her thumbs seemed much louder this morning because she was so tired. The monotonous motion her thumbs made didn’t help at all in distracting her thoughts.
Biting her lip caving in to her inquisitive nature, she turned around and looked for Kerass. The only thing was that he wasn’t there. While it was a relief at first, a second later it became a huge disappointment. There was a lack of closure between the two of them, romantically speaking of course and that came about from her own stubbornness and an undying fear of confrontation. It saddened her that he wasn’t there, but she hoped that she would see him at school and maybe, just maybe they could be friends.
Jay woke up with a start as his alarm welcomed the morning. He didn’t feel up to journaling this morning. It was the first day of school…again. All of the excitement over the first day of freshmen year was gone. The first day of sophomore year was going to be a nightmare. High school no longer felt like a novelty, it was simply school now and that made the days a major suckfest. It took all of his energy just to get out of bed, but once he was up, he was up. He quickly dressed for the day and began to race to the door. He wanted to avoid his father that morning at all costs.
“Can’t we just sit down and talk about this?” Jay’s father asked while Jay had his hand on the doorknob.
Jay turned around rolling his eyes at his father. “No, we can’t! There’s nothing to discuss because there’s nothing wrong about me. It just is.”
“Look, Jay,” his father paused taking a breath, “I understand how you feel. I had the same feelings when I was your age, but they went away over time. Those feelings, the attraction, it was fleeting.”
“Wait, you’re gay, Dad?”
“No, I,” he paused sighing. “I’ll have to explain all of this later. You’ll be late for school if you don’t run and catch the bus.”
“Can’t you drive me?” Jay asked timidly. He was begging his father to love him. His eyes glistening, he couldn’t read his father’s emotions. His father was almost emotionless. The first conversation about Jay’s sexuality had been incredibly awkward, but there was no yelling, no tears. Over time though, Jay got this sense that his father was incredibly disappointed in him and although he would never admit it to his father it destroyed him inside. He felt so unloved and uncared for. His coming out process had been rocky from the start. He guessed it was always like that, especially if one came out in high school, but simply knowing others had gone through the same hardships didn’t make things any easier to deal with. It was all so depressing being gay and Jay felt cheated on life. Why did it have to be this hard? Why couldn’t this be something that was never questioned, but he knew thinking like this was pointless. If racism after all these years still existed homophobia would always exist. Through it all though, Jay knew his boyfriend would stand by his side, a fact his father detested.
“Sure, I can drive you,” his father finally said. Jay smiled back at him and walked out the door to the car.
Julia pulled into her assigned parking space in the Oak Stream parking lot. Kerass smiled at her. He couldn’t believe it. He had only known her for a month that summer, but he had fallen head over heels in love with Julia. They didn’t seem to have a lot in common, but that was all right because the kissing was so wonderful. They made out like crazy that summer. It drove his father up the wall, which only made it all the more appealing to do.
“You ready for the start of your sophomore year?” Julia asked. She was a junior and the oldest in her class.
Kerass replied that he guessed so. “It really doesn’t seem all that special or all that different from freshmen year,” Kerass said.
Julia responded that it would and that he would feel it the instant he saw all the freshmen enter the school. “Want to have some fun before the school year begins?” Julia asked with a smirk on her face.
“You just read my mind,” Kerass said with a big goofy smile.
It was then that their lips met. They only broke their kisses when they needed to come up for air. The passion he felt for her was always fleeting and it honestly felt horrible after it was all over, but it was so much fun in the moment that he couldn’t stop. Blocking his mind from how he would feel later, he completely succumbed into his feelings and passion for Julia.
The bus pulled into Oak Stream’s parking lot. Cadence took a deep breath as the bus doors opened. She had made this decision. She had decided to return to Oak Stream and because of that, she knew she had no reason to complain if the first day was miserable. She stood up and walked off of the bus. She walked onto the sidewalk and immediately saw some loose change on the ground. Quickly before their rightful owner would notice, she dropped to her knees and picked up what added up to $1.37 in change. A smile crept on her face. The day wouldn’t be so bad after all. She was $1.37 richer.
When she stood up she finally saw him. Kerass was sitting in the passenger seat of some girl’s car. She didn’t recognize the girl. She wouldn’t have been able to even if she had known all the girls at school. She only saw the back of her head as they were making out publically but in a way privately. Although they couldn’t hear anyone outside, their make out session was on display for all to see. Cadence’s heart dropped. The initial excitement over the change she picked up was turned into a deep sadness. She was wrong. He hadn’t been pining over her all summer the way she had been pining over him she finally admitted to herself. He was over her. A tear fell down her face. The pain she felt couldn’t be described in words. The only words that came to her mind were that it felt like her heart was crying, but even with all this sadness she couldn’t help but keep on staring at him. The couple finished kissing. When Kerass looked up, he locked eyes with Cadence. Cadence gasped.
Rolling herself out of bed was harder considering she was suffering from jet lag. The day after the school year ended, she was on a plane to London for the summer. It ended up being a decision she lived to regret, but she didn’t want to dwell on it now. She didn’t fully know why but she had decided to go back to Oak Stream for the beginning of her sophomore year. She hadn’t been kicked out, she just didn’t feel a religious education, or a religious life for that matter, was something that she wanted.
In the last week alone, she had done all of her summer reading assignments. Her time in London was distracting to say the very least. Luckily two of her classes had the same book to read: Lord of the Flies. She found it both boring and pointless, but she would never say so in an analysis she was going to turn in. She wouldn’t praise the book either. She would just parrot what the teacher had said, but that’s impossible to do for a summer project, so she played it safe and just gave it slight but not overwhelming praise. Looking over at the clock she knew she had to head on out of the door and fast. She wouldn’t be the most presentable, but hardly anyone was the first day of their sophomore year of high school.
She heard her mother’s voice the instant she began to walk down the stairs. “Did you have a great time at London, darling?” she asked adding that she hadn’t asked because Cadence had looked so tired the previous afternoon.
“Not now, Mom,” she said harsher than she had intended. Taking a breath she stated that she was sorry and that she had to rush out the door because she still hadn’t adjusted not only to the time zone but to an earlier start for school again. She kissed her mother on the cheek as she ran out the door.
Cadence saw the bus in the distance. She ran to the bus as fast as she could stepping onto the bus just in the nick of time. The bus driver commented that she was cutting it kind of close. “Thanks for waiting,” Cadence said. The bus driver told her to have a seat. She sat down in the second seat of the bus.
All of what little energy she had that morning was spent trying not to turn around and see if Kerass was sleeping at the back of the bus. She didn’t know what to do. Even though she accused him in her mind of dwelling on her all summer, she had in fact been thinking of him even though it was trying to escape him. She couldn’t help but return. It seemed like an inevitability. She drummed her thumbs on the seat in front of her. The rhythmic beating of her thumbs seemed much louder this morning because she was so tired. The monotonous motion her thumbs made didn’t help at all in distracting her thoughts.
Biting her lip caving in to her inquisitive nature, she turned around and looked for Kerass. The only thing was that he wasn’t there. While it was a relief at first, a second later it became a huge disappointment. There was a lack of closure between the two of them, romantically speaking of course and that came about from her own stubbornness and an undying fear of confrontation. It saddened her that he wasn’t there, but she hoped that she would see him at school and maybe, just maybe they could be friends.
Jay woke up with a start as his alarm welcomed the morning. He didn’t feel up to journaling this morning. It was the first day of school…again. All of the excitement over the first day of freshmen year was gone. The first day of sophomore year was going to be a nightmare. High school no longer felt like a novelty, it was simply school now and that made the days a major suckfest. It took all of his energy just to get out of bed, but once he was up, he was up. He quickly dressed for the day and began to race to the door. He wanted to avoid his father that morning at all costs.
“Can’t we just sit down and talk about this?” Jay’s father asked while Jay had his hand on the doorknob.
Jay turned around rolling his eyes at his father. “No, we can’t! There’s nothing to discuss because there’s nothing wrong about me. It just is.”
“Look, Jay,” his father paused taking a breath, “I understand how you feel. I had the same feelings when I was your age, but they went away over time. Those feelings, the attraction, it was fleeting.”
“Wait, you’re gay, Dad?”
“No, I,” he paused sighing. “I’ll have to explain all of this later. You’ll be late for school if you don’t run and catch the bus.”
“Can’t you drive me?” Jay asked timidly. He was begging his father to love him. His eyes glistening, he couldn’t read his father’s emotions. His father was almost emotionless. The first conversation about Jay’s sexuality had been incredibly awkward, but there was no yelling, no tears. Over time though, Jay got this sense that his father was incredibly disappointed in him and although he would never admit it to his father it destroyed him inside. He felt so unloved and uncared for. His coming out process had been rocky from the start. He guessed it was always like that, especially if one came out in high school, but simply knowing others had gone through the same hardships didn’t make things any easier to deal with. It was all so depressing being gay and Jay felt cheated on life. Why did it have to be this hard? Why couldn’t this be something that was never questioned, but he knew thinking like this was pointless. If racism after all these years still existed homophobia would always exist. Through it all though, Jay knew his boyfriend would stand by his side, a fact his father detested.
“Sure, I can drive you,” his father finally said. Jay smiled back at him and walked out the door to the car.
Julia pulled into her assigned parking space in the Oak Stream parking lot. Kerass smiled at her. He couldn’t believe it. He had only known her for a month that summer, but he had fallen head over heels in love with Julia. They didn’t seem to have a lot in common, but that was all right because the kissing was so wonderful. They made out like crazy that summer. It drove his father up the wall, which only made it all the more appealing to do.
“You ready for the start of your sophomore year?” Julia asked. She was a junior and the oldest in her class.
Kerass replied that he guessed so. “It really doesn’t seem all that special or all that different from freshmen year,” Kerass said.
Julia responded that it would and that he would feel it the instant he saw all the freshmen enter the school. “Want to have some fun before the school year begins?” Julia asked with a smirk on her face.
“You just read my mind,” Kerass said with a big goofy smile.
It was then that their lips met. They only broke their kisses when they needed to come up for air. The passion he felt for her was always fleeting and it honestly felt horrible after it was all over, but it was so much fun in the moment that he couldn’t stop. Blocking his mind from how he would feel later, he completely succumbed into his feelings and passion for Julia.
The bus pulled into Oak Stream’s parking lot. Cadence took a deep breath as the bus doors opened. She had made this decision. She had decided to return to Oak Stream and because of that, she knew she had no reason to complain if the first day was miserable. She stood up and walked off of the bus. She walked onto the sidewalk and immediately saw some loose change on the ground. Quickly before their rightful owner would notice, she dropped to her knees and picked up what added up to $1.37 in change. A smile crept on her face. The day wouldn’t be so bad after all. She was $1.37 richer.
When she stood up she finally saw him. Kerass was sitting in the passenger seat of some girl’s car. She didn’t recognize the girl. She wouldn’t have been able to even if she had known all the girls at school. She only saw the back of her head as they were making out publically but in a way privately. Although they couldn’t hear anyone outside, their make out session was on display for all to see. Cadence’s heart dropped. The initial excitement over the change she picked up was turned into a deep sadness. She was wrong. He hadn’t been pining over her all summer the way she had been pining over him she finally admitted to herself. He was over her. A tear fell down her face. The pain she felt couldn’t be described in words. The only words that came to her mind were that it felt like her heart was crying, but even with all this sadness she couldn’t help but keep on staring at him. The couple finished kissing. When Kerass looked up, he locked eyes with Cadence. Cadence gasped.
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