Fallen Leaves - Chapter 67: Everything About You

Lying on her back, Cadence stared at the cinderblock walls around her. Three months had gone by and she still didn’t know her new cellmates name. They never spoke to each other, which wasn’t inherently abysmal, but it was tiring and awkward and certainly made the days, weeks, and months drag on. She felt like she was in a literal purgatory, even though she didn’t believe in an afterlife or the concept of sin as a whole. It was obvious she was atoning for her actions, but she couldn’t say that she had sinned, at least not in the biblical concept of the term.

She had exacted judgment, true, unadulterated justice and bitter sweet revenge on her ex. What was so wrong with that? She had done the world a favor by taking him away. All she had done was ensured that he wouldn’t harm anyone else anymore. Likening herself to Jael from the Bible, the one biblical female who Julia regretted talking about, she knew she had done the same thing. Jael had prevented an evil man from spreading more hate by driving a fucking wooden tent stake through his skull. That was a pure badass if she had ever heard of one. How come no one discussed Jael at church? It was less violent to her than it was awesome. She wasn’t punished for her actions. At least, Cadence didn’t think she was, nor was she praised either. It was just sort of ambiguous.

It was whatever. Julia hadn’t come in over a month, not after she had become obsessed with Jael. That woman was the perfect rationalization for what she had done.

“She’s the best,” Cadence whispered to herself. She confirmed it again uttering that Jael was the very best.

“No, she isn’t,” her cellmate replied.

Cadence sat up staring at her. It was the first time she had uttered a word since the moment she had first arrived. It felt like yesterday, but also felt like an eternity. She asked her cellmate what she meant. “I mean how do you even know who she is? What are you like religious or something?”

“Are you?” she scoffed back. “Besides Jael’s nothing more than an overzealous bitch. I should know because I’m named after her.”

“What the hell? You’re named after this obscure Bible character that like no one knows about?”

“What are you deaf? That’s what I just said, isn’t it?” Jael chastised raising her eyebrows. “Besides with a name like that, aren’t I destined to become a violent bitch, too? My ma never thought of that.”

“Why wouldn’t she?” Cadence asked with great anticipation. “What did you do?”

“Nothing worse than what you’ve done.”

Cadence was taken aback by that, but Jael simply nodded her head.

“Oh yeah,” Jael replied. “Word’s been out on you throughout all the convicts. Why is everything about you? Don’t get pure white as snow Cadence upset or she’ll murder you. Well, baby, I can’t top that, but I’m sure as hell just as bad as you.

“See, my ma never thought that her sweet little, black ass daughter had a temper. Mine isn’t as grandiose as yours by any stretch of the imagination. I didn’t fucking hide the bastard for a year. No, in some ways it was more personal. I caught the dipshit cheating on me. The police came and instantly arrested me. The trial was a goddamn joke. I got 20 years in the slammer. There was no mercy, no sympathy. Only smiles laughter and cheers from his family and mine."

“I’m confused. What do you mean, exactly?” Cadance asked. “Are you saying that someone framed you?”

“No. I never said I was innocent, but I sure as hell wouldn’t have been treated like that if I were a little white bitch like you.”

“So, what did you do?”

“It’s less important about what I did than who I did it to. My boyfriend was cheating on me with my own holier-than-thou ma. I always knew she was a goddamn hypocrite, but I just never fathomed how low she’d sunk until…well, I’m trying my best to burn that from my memory. Ain’t nobody should see their ma naked.”

Cadence bit her tongue. The story was compelling, certainly, but she felt like Jael was blaming her saying she got better treatment just because she was white. That wasn’t exactly an iron-clad defense over what she did, whatever it was.

“I’m tired,” Jael said turning on her side.

Cadence couldn’t believe that she was even thinking this, but she knew it was true. It was so obvious that what Julia had stated for months was true. This woman needed hope and the only hope Cadence was able to even think of clinging to was Jesus. Yes, indeed, Jael needed Jesus.



Tears formed in his eyes. This was something Jay should have done a long time ago, but he just never had the guts. He tried it and despite trying to cling to the physical pleasures of it all, it just didn’t work and instead of forcing himself to cling to it because he had no other options, he knew he had to leave and now. The only way he would continue to live his life would be to leave and all he wanted to do was say that he lived with everything he had. No more fear. No more compromises. No more polyamorous relationships.

If there was any year from his life so far he wished he could just erase, it was this one. He had wasted so much time in pursuit of losing his virginity that he lost sight of what he truly cared about and wanted. Nothing enticed him more than intimacy and vulnerability with men. All he had with Gil and Francis was sex, sex, sex.

His grades weren’t terrible, but they were certainly down from last year. Oddly enough after he had sex, while there were still moments, he certainly wasn’t as on as he had been previously. Also, losing his virginity wasn’t anything he thought it would be cracked up to be. It was intense, awkward, and painful. Nothing about it was romantic or even intimate as crazy as it sounds standing naked in front of someone else, but there was no sense of trust, only aggression, passion at the most animalistic rudimentary sense of the word.

As he had done previously, he wrote out his feelings. Hoping he wouldn’t have to run into Gil and Francis ever again, he placed the letter on the kitchen counter. All of his pent-up frustration over how he was ignored, mistreated, and just used for his body was all in the letter.

Grabbing his suitcase, backpack, and placing the duffle bag strap over his shoulder, he took a quick look around the apartment. This place would forever be in his memory as the place he lost his virginity, the place he took a risk and tried something new. It would forever be the place where he had his biggest regrets.

Taking all the memories in, he exhaled letting this year go. He couldn’t erase his past, but he hoped with all of his might that he would never make the same mistake again. In particular he never wanted to have sex just for the purposes of having sex, but only for true, committed intimacy with another man who wanted to be with him just because. There was only one man on his mind who might fit that description, but he still hadn’t said the words, three simple words to make this even possible. The dreams hadn’t stopped. If anything they had become more frequent, more explicit.

Jay walked out the door. As he walked down the street he saw Gil and Francis drive into the parking lot. Stepping to the side, hiding behind a tree, he waited to see what would happen. The scream, a horrible, guttural scream uttered from Francis’s mouth. He wanted to block out how he knew how Francis screamed. In that moment, he knew he made the correct decision. He would never speak to them again.

Pulling his cell phone out, he dialed Gus’s number. He hoped it would go to voicemail because he just couldn’t handle a full conversation at this time. At long last it finally went to voicemail.

“Gus, it’s Jay,” he said. He added that he must already know that. “I, well, I just wanted to say. Oh, hell…I forgive you.”



Kerass bit his tongue as he called Kathleen. He had promised that he would call during spring break, but he just couldn’t bring himself to call, not while he was visiting his father again. Despite how awkward everything was, he had determined to stay for Christmas. It was really nice, if not unbelievably awkward. He still refused to go to his father’s church, so he went to the Catholic church down the road, which was a major, massive mistake. All that happened was people chanted things that he didn’t know in perfect unison and then they tried to convert him to Catholicism. What a waste of an evening. He was a believer, in spite of how he may act or think at times, but he didn’t need to be converted to any denomination.

Before he could think any more, Kathleen answered the phone.

“I didn’t think you’d ever call, which wouldn’t be awful, but it would’ve broken your word and that would be awful.”

“Are you quite finished?” Kerass asked, adding that she had dragged it on for an unnecessarily long time.

“I think I have,” Kathleen conceded. “What’s happening?”

“Well, you know I’m at my dad’s.”

“Yes.”

“Yeah, uh, he, um, he wants me to go to his church again. I haven’t been there since, well since-”

“Since your mother’s funeral,” she added gently. “I know, you’ve told me this story before, multiple times.”

“How could you be so insensitive?”

“What’s insensitive is that you haven’t moved forward and it’s been years. I get it that you’re a young believer, but this is something you don’t necessarily need to condone by any stretch of the word, but you do need to move forward. Take a first step and stop stalling.”

“You’re saying that I need to go to his church then? Because there ain’t no way in hell that’s happening.”

“That’s exactly my point. It’s that kind of reaction,” she sighed, “that’s preventing you from true growth in the Lord.”

“What do you expect me to do? Just move on from the fact that my mother was killed, murdered by the removal of power? That is something I cannot do. That’s too much that God is asking of me.”

“I never told you to get over it. I told you to move forward. Is that so hard?”

Kerass exhaled, scratching the back of his head refusing to respond.

“No, what I’m saying is quite simple.”

“What?” he asked agitated.

“You need to forgive him.”

Fallen Leaves - Chapter 66: A.M.

Kerass walked through the door. His father gave him a hug, which he didn’t reciprocate. For whatever reason, his father’s eyes were glistening.

“I can’t believe you’re here!” he exclaimed hugging him again.

Kerass contemplated patting him on the back, but he just wasn’t ready to cross that boundary yet. Too much had happened for him to just erase years of trauma and heartache.

“Come in, come in!” his father beckoned closing the door behind him.

Looking around, Kerass acknowledged that both little had changed about the house, but then again, a lot had changed. Nothing startled him more than noticing that the Bible was no longer prominent in the living room. In fact no books were on the shelves. Where the Bible had been now sat his high school diploma framed.

He was so touched that he felt a tear fall down his face. It was uncontrollable, but he refused to allow his father to see him cry. Quickly wiping the tear away, he cleared his throat and exhaled trying to quiet his mind.

“Whatcha looking at?”

“Oh, uh…” Kerass stumbled choking on the word, “nothing. Where’s…where’s your Bible at?”

His father looked at him straight in the eyes. Briefly nodding, he stated that it was back on his bedroom dresser. “I felt no need to showcase it anymore. Not after, well, not after you left, but that’s not why you’re here. Please take a seat.”

Kerass sat on the couch cognizant that there was at least one cushion space between them at all times.

“Tell me, how are you?” his father asked exuberantly. “I want to hear everything.”

“I, well, I, uh…” he stammered. “I’ve started going back to church,” he said with confidence.

“What? That’s great! Who’s the pastor there? I’ll give him a call, make sure you’re well cared for.”

“No, please don’t do that. Don’t call him.”

“Why not?”

“I…I just. I don’t think I can do this,” he stood up heading toward the door.

“Why? You just got here,” his father begged. “Please just stay. Let’s talk.”

His hand was on the doorknob. He held his breath, biting his tongue, he tried not to react and just leave, but he couldn’t stop himself. “Can you even say it?” Kerass asked.

“I, I’m not sure what you mean?”

He really didn’t want to have this conversation. Going home for Christmas wasn’t necessarily a mistake, but it certainly was awkward. They hadn’t spoken in four years. Four incredibly long, life changing years. Years that were filled with loss after loss after loss. How was he supposed to catch up on four years of his life? Where was he even supposed to begin? Yes, he was pissed and to be honest he still was, but his father stopped trying to reach out so quickly. Had his father really given up on a relationship that easily? Sure, they never really connected all that much, but he was still his father. Things had changed after he came back to faith, but he just couldn’t bring it to himself to reach out. Would his father ever make a decision like he did with his mother towards him? What had really changed?

“Can you verbalize it for me or are you just going to hide like you’ve always done?”

“What, Kerass?” he replied gingerly. “What do you want me to say?”

“Stop doing that!” Kerass yelled at him. “Being so gentle, so understanding. Don’t make me question whether you’re truly a safe space for me. You’ve known for years that I can’t let my guard down around you for fear of your yelling, your judgement, and worst of all your retaliating actions.”

“I, I don’t know what to say. This must be so hard for you. You may not believe this, but I’ve regretted the decision I made every single day.”

“Don’t give me that shit. I want you to look at me and tell me despite it all that you still care, that you still love me. That you’re proud of me.”

“I’ve always loved you and I’ve never not been proud of you.”

“Don’t,” Kerass said covering his years, shaking his head. “I don’t want to hear it.”

“What do you want me to say?” his father said raising his voice. Even though he had covered his ears he could still hear his father clearly. “You have to be clear. Tell me how to love you.”

“SHUT UP!” he screeched at the top of his lungs. Hot, angry tears effortlessly flowed out of his eyes. His father was silent. Kerass’s breathing quickened. He couldn’t calm himself down.

“Open yourself up to love,” his father whispered placing his hand on his shoulder while he was heaving, sobbing. “Please.”



Jay opened his eyes. The dream had come to him again. It was so vivid, so clear that he started to believe it was a memory, not simply a dream. He had dreamt of Gus again.

Rushing out of bed he grabbed his journal. There was no way this could be mere coincidence. Having the same dream for three nights in a row wasn’t simply happenstance.

Taking deep breaths, he tried to calm himself down. It was stimulating in more ways than one, but he didn’t want to focus on the parts that got him going, but the parts that made him feel connected, special, safe.

It started the same way every time. He looked out his dorm room. It was pitch black. It was the A.M. He should be in bed, but the lampposts around campus illuminated the snow falling briskly. The quad was covered in a blanket of snow. That’s when he appeared, his shape quickly coming real in the glow of the lampposts. There he was, Gus, walking across the quad, beckoning him to come out to him.

He ran in his pajamas neglecting to put on his shoes, but he wasn’t cold. He couldn’t see his breath as he ran across the padded snow to him. Gus picked him up, twirling him around. When they kissed, he kicked up his feet as Gus continued to twirl him.

“I couldn’t stop thinking about you,” Gus said gripping him tight.

“Neither could I,” Jay reassured him. The words were always on the tip of his tongue. I forgive you. That’s what he was supposed to say, but he could never get the words out.

“It’s ok,” Gus replied. “You don’t have to say it until you’re ready.”

They lay beside each other underneath a tree watching as the snow fell down. It never reached their faces and their clothes never became wet. It was real without the realism. The perfect romance, connection perfected between them. He had never felt safer in his life.

The sun would break on the horizon, rising majestically, the snow melting away as the flowers from spring arose in seconds. Day turned to night, season to season, he lay beside Gus through it all. Yet the dream quickly became a nightmare for when he looked over at his side, he no longer saw Gus who wanted to hold him closely, he saw Gil and Francis…well, not exactly paying any attention to him focused completely on each other. He would awake with a start beading with sweat.

Writing it down it seemed so obvious what he had to do. Gil and Francis shared a bed and he had a twin bed all by himself in another room entirely. It wasn’t that simple though. He had made a commitment and he hated breaking promises but it was obvious something was wrong. Did Gus feel the connection too or did he just want validation to be with Damien? Was it even fathomable that Gus wanted to be with him like in his dream of pure, unadulterated, blissful intimacy?

He hadn’t the strength to leave, nor the heart to stay. He didn’t see any way out unless Gus or someone else intervened and swept him away. Sleeping with them wasn’t fun. It was purely technical. There was nothing loving or romantic or gentle about it. It was a mistake. That’s why in his dream he and Gus never have sex with each other. They just stay with each other through thick and thin. He hadn’t spoken with Gus since he had asked Jay to forgive him one day. Boy had he messed with Jay’s head. Closing his journal, he went back to bed deciding it was best to skip his 8 A.M. morning class to try and get genuine rest away from Gil, Francis, Gus, and Damien. If only they could stay out of his thoughts long enough so he could get a decent rest.



Cadence bid her mother farewell. What an awful thing to spend Christmas with your child in jail. Her mother had told her she looked so much better, lighter, happier even. She struggled to believe it, but opted to take it as a compliment.

She couldn’t get over the idea that she was a waste, a disappointment as a child, as a human. Why couldn’t she be like those bold women in the Bible? Why couldn’t a god like that reach out to her and love her and embrace her the way that god did? If only that god actually existed then and only then would she be able to forgive herself over what she’d done.

But she didn’t have any hope left in justice or any sense of fairness in this world. She couldn’t say she was outright depressed or pessimistic, but she did feel hopeless. Her life would never get better. She’d never get out of this jail. If only she could be like Rahab or Ruth or Mary Magdalene. Those women weren’t embraced in their time by their cultures but were embraced by the God of Israel. Where was God now? Where had he been this whole time? Why couldn’t he prove himself?

She loved the idea of God, but the idea and the reality didn’t mesh with her. If God did exist and truly loved her and wanted to embrace her, he’d have to give her hope for she had no more strength left and what little she had just to survive she couldn’t waste on hope.

Julia hadn’t visited for a while, but she was visiting family out of town. They had reconciled and she kept reading stories of women in the Bible. Cadence was proud to know the names of so many strong, beautiful women. She had never really studied or even read the text of the Bible so she was thrilled to see so many strong women appear in its words.

The cell door opened startling Cadence. It couldn’t possibly be another visitor on Christmas Eve of all nights.

“Stay calm, Cadence,” the guard commanded as someone else came into the cell wearing orange. The door locked behind them.

Fallen Leaves - Chapter 65: Wolves

Dear Jordan,

Merry Christmas! Forgive me for the amount of time it’s taken me to write back to you. To be honest I was terrified when you told me that I was the closest thing to community that you had. I just couldn’t handle that amount of pressure so I ran away from it. I know it was wrong to do so. I can only hope that you’ll forgive me and I know that you will.

Things have been a little tense on my end, too. I got distracted in the midst of running away from you. You may not remember him, but Jeremy is a guy I knew in high school and he goes to our college. He connects with me on the self-doubt stuff to a greater degree than I’ve ever seen. He’s a cutter, too. Don’t worry, he’s assured me I can discuss that fact as I’m processing with trusted friends about my struggles with it. He trusts me with sharing it. Anyway, I haven’t heard from Jeremy in months, even though I called to reach out, and out of the blue he ends up calling me telling me he wants to meet up. To be honest, I have no idea what it’s about and I’m more than a little bit nervous. I just hope he’s ok. I’ll have to update you the next time I write.

Other than that, there’s little else to tell you about. Well, there is one thing, actually. I met this girl. No, it’s nothing like that! Get your mind out of the gutter, Jordan. She’s nothing like I’ve ever met before. We’ve started praying around campus and early before Droplet meetings and even before the church service. She reminds me a lot of what Lyra would have been like had she lived longer. I’m not convinced that God is giving me a second chance at love with Kathleen, but maybe, just maybe through a platonic friendship I can experience the intimacy I’ve only ever felt from her.

Enough about me though. Tell me about you! I do hope that you’ve found someone to connect with in the faith again. I pray that you don’t hide Him from anyone. Also, to answer your question, I don’t believe God is punishing you. I asked Kathleen about this. She told me God doesn’t punish His children and I want to believe her. You are experiencing doubt and there’s no shame in that. I’ve had plenty of years of experience with doubt myself. I just don’t want you to feel alone anymore. It certainly hasn’t done my life or any or my relationships any good by distancing myself. I know it hurt you when I didn’t write back to you, for instance.

Please pray for me, dearest brother. I’m not any good at prayer, but know that I am doing my best to pray for you. I do ask that you intercede for me in prayer. For the first time in years I’m going to spend the holidays with my father and trust me, I need all the prayer I can get.

Kerass

He quickly signed at the bottom and folded up the letter refusing to reread it out of fear that he may cry. Dreading it with all his might, he knew he had to finish things before he went home to visit his father. This was the first Christmas since his mom had passed away where he professed faith in God, in Jesus.

Mom would’ve wanted them to spend it together. He would do it to honor her and her memory, not for him. It also was an excuse to visit their graves again. He was floored when he realized how long it had been since he visited them. Hopefully, the holiday would bring about some semblance of finality and peace, but he knew deep down that he would never forgive his father for what he did to his mother. He struggled enough with forgiving God for taking Lyra away from him. His mind was made though. There was no turning back. If only his mother would visit him in a dream once more, but then again, he was told they didn’t exist and were just in his head. He knew he had to move forward, but honestly he didn’t know how to do that.

Taking a deep breath, he folded the letter in his hand quickly stuffing it in an envelope. He could only hope now that Jordan would receive it by Christmas day.



Jay sat on a bench on campus. It was beyond freezing, but he just couldn’t stay in there with the two of them. They were so clearly in love, a sick, twisted kind of love, but true love nonetheless…well, maybe? He didn’t know what true love was anymore and doubted he ever did.

Gil and Francis weren’t in love with him, they were in love with his body. There was just something so wrong about that, but he couldn’t keep away from them despite how lowly it made him feel. Hot was never in his vocabulary when he thought about himself. They made him feel so enticing, so desirable that he kept drawing himself back to them. Yet when he saw them on campus, now that he agreed to be with them, they simply ignored him when they would pass by, arms around each other, holding hands, everything he wanted to feel intimate and safe.

It was terrible to admit to himself, but he had made a huge mistake. He wasn’t willing to say that all polyamorous relationships were devoid of true love and romance, but this one definitely was. Gil and Francis seemed nothing more than wolves in sheep’s clothing.

They promised him a big Christmas present, but admittedly he wasn’t thrilled by the proposition. They had forgotten his birthday. Everyone had, including his father, who ended up calling him a day after the fact. It was fine, but it only added to the fact that he felt so alone.

It was nothing like it was with Damien. Sure it was more physical, well, not yet at least, but Damien, despite all his faults, felt and when he loved it was passionate, thrilling, and real. He was a cheating wolf too, for sure, but he hadn’t always been. He wasn’t convinced that was true of Gil and Francis. What he had now was nothing more than two sleeping buddies who were ashamed to be seen with him. Tears started forming in his eyes.

He couldn’t help himself, nor could he control it. He started sobbing on the bench. Why had he done it? Was it to hurt Damien? Like he even knew about this. Nobody knew outside of Kerass and even then he hadn’t exactly judged him on it. He clearly disapproved of it and in this circumstance and this one alone, Jay had to admit that Kerass was right.

As he wiped his eyes, that was when it happened. That was when they locked eyes with each other. Gus was looking at him. Jay was crying, although no longer sobbing. It was humiliating. This was the worst thing that could happen to him. Crying in front of him…he just couldn’t fathom what they would say to each other.

Yet, Gus didn’t laugh or glare. There was empathy in his eyes. He walked over to the bench. Jay’s heart starting pounding. Quickly drying his tears, he started to stand up, but Gus put his hand on his shoulder as he sat down. Giving in, he sat back down.

“You weren’t supposed to see this,” Jay said as he started to cry again.

“Why not?”

“What do you mean?” he asked choking on tears. He pointed out that he had cheated with his boyfriend. “Well, ex-boyfriend, I guess.”

“I know,” Gus nodded. “I know I did,” he added, his eyes glistening. “I had no idea I could hurt someone like me out of jealousy. I didn’t know I had that in me. I didn’t realize I had that type of power.”

“Jealous?” Jay asked floored. “What did you have to be jealous of?”

Jay looked into his eyes. Tears slowly fell down his face. He didn’t sob or make any noise at all. Several seconds passed. The biting wind chilled him to his bones, but he daren’t look away from Gus’s vulnerable face.

“You’re not afraid to be vulnerable. And, well, uh, you’re not afraid to be gay, to be yourself. You’ve never been afraid of your sexuality, at least not as long as I’ve known you. Despite what you may think I think you’ve held yourself together and celebrated who you are better than anyone I know.”

“I always thought you knew who you were.”

“Not at all. I can’t even say that I’m gay out loud. I wrote it in a letter, but even then, I could still see dating women again, but I don’t know if I want to sleep with them. The truth is I don’t know who I am anymore and I’m not sure if I ever did. I did a lot of hiding, listening to others, but rarely sharing and I can’t help but think that no one really knows who I am.”

Jay started laughing. It was extremely inappropriate, but it was so strange. “I’m sorry, Gus, but it’s just so awkward. I mean you’re the other man. How can we be talking like this?”

“Yeah, I guess I see what you’re saying,” Gus whispered.

Knowing he had crossed a boundary, Jay patted Gus on the shoulder. “I can’t tell you I forgive you, but I can tell you how happy I am that you were honest and vulnerable with me.”

“Can we talk again? Is there any way we could be friends again?”

Jay exhaled. That was something he didn’t know he could ever do.



Cadence gripped the telephone waiting to hear Julia reply.

“I had no idea you’d want to hear a Bible story today!” Julia said defensively.

Cadence rolled her eyes. She had asked for nothing else for weeks now. Julia had this brilliant idea of reading stories about strong women in the Bible. Granted, Cadence hadn’t let in that she was enjoying it, but why should that matter? Julia had been committed throughout it all.

“This was going to be my last time visiting for a while.”

“What?” Cadence asked flabbergasted.

“You haven’t spoken to me in weeks. You showed signs of vulnerability about a month and a half ago, but you just seemed terrified of reading the Bible. I honestly don’t know why I shoved it, but I just can’t handle your despising me anymore.”

Cadence begged her to reconsider. “I’m sorry that I pushed it away, but I was really looking forward to more stories about the women.”

“I have none with me and I don’t feel comfortable about quoting the Bible when I can’t read it verbatim.”

“It’s not verbatim, Julia. It’s a translation of a completely different language unless you can read that stuff. Please, I beg you to reconsider. This is the only thing I look forward to anymore.”

Julia exhaled. Awaiting her reply was excruciating. Cadence bit her tongue to ensure that she wouldn’t step over her answer.

“Ok,” Julia replied softly.

She had given in and that was the best thing Cadence had ever heard. “So, who are you going to tell me about today?”

“Well,” Julia shook her head. “I can’t believe I’m doing this. I’m going to tell you about a prostitute who was welcomed into the family of God.”

“Wow, how liberal. I thought Christianity looked down on that sorta thing.”

“Well, we do, but it doesn’t mean that people can never change. Her name was Rahab and she was one of the boldest women in the entire Bible and even ended up saving God’s people.”

“Please, tell me about her,” Cadence breathed ecstatically.



Knocking on the door, Kerass waited until Jeremy would answer. They had agreed to talk and they had, but it hadn’t really gone anywhere, but at least Jeremy was willing to spend time again. After a few weeks he agreed that he needed further help.

The door opened.

“You ready for this?” Kerass asked.

“As ready as I can be, I guess.”

“You have no idea how proud I am of you.”

Jeremy told him he shouldn’t be. “I feel weak because I have to use meds to feel something, to feel better.”

“You don’t know that yet, because the doctor hasn’t put you on them yet, but honestly who do you talk to that would shame you for being on medication?”

“You’re the only one I talk to,” Jeremy sheepishly admitted.

“Exactly. Will I look down on you for that?”

“Of course not!”

“Then neither should you.”

Kerass helped usher him out the door. Meeting up to walk to the doctor together was the only time that they spent time together, but it was so precious that he cherished every moment. It was truly an honor to be a part of Jeremy’s process of getting better.



Jay walked into the apartment. Francis and Gil stood before him in bathrobes. Instantly they disrobed in front of him. This was even more awkward than having an intimate moment with Gus.

“How do you like your Christmas present, sweetheart?” Francis asked.

“You can have either or both of us and do whatever you want.”

Screw love, intimacy and connection. It was all fleeting anyway. He never saw that it was long lasting and always ended in tragedy via break up or death. Jay took off his shirt. It was time to finally get it over with.



Kerass pushed the doorbell. He had never used it before. He had no need as he always had a key to the house, but that hadn’t been true for years.

The door opened.

“Hi, dad.”

Fallen Leaves - Chapter 64: Stockholm Syndrome

Saying a quick prayer, Julia opened up her eyes before she picked up the receiver. She didn’t know why God had told her to do this, but every Wednesday morning she went to visit Cadence.

At first she thought it was to share her story about how God had grabbed her heart after taking care of Lyra, but that wasn’t meant to be. Understandably Cadence didn’t want to talk about Julia at all. It didn’t make it any less challenging, but there they were again after months and she felt like this was all fruitless. She never exactly loved Cadence, hell, she didn’t even like her in high school all that much, but she had just been through so much. How could she not continue to visit and ask questions?

Her fellow officers didn’t understand why she would visit with a prisoner on her day off. They didn’t understand a lot of things, but that was ok. She wanted to help others and believed so firmly in justice that it seemed like the perfect fit. It didn’t take long for her to recognize that not every officer was worthy of respect. Admittedly, she didn’t always deserve respect with how she handled situations either.

She had no idea what this conversation was going to be about, but she had a fair guess. Cadence deflected responsibility. After she had turned herself in, things had changed. When Julia decided to transfer departments, she had no expectations that she’d see Cadence’s arrest on the drive back into town. Oak Stream had always been home, but it was different returning as an actual believer. She had said she was a Christian in high school, but didn’t really practice her beliefs. With Lyra everything had changed and she was eternally thankful to her for those months they spent together.

Looking across the glass, she saw that Cadence was drumming her fingers on the table. She hadn’t picked up the receiver yet. Julia didn’t see a need to visit her across the glass. She trusted Cadence enough to know she wouldn’t attack her, but seeing as she was off-duty, she knew she had to follow the proper procedures.

Finally with a sigh, Cadence picked up the receiver. “Hello again, Julia.”

“Hello, Cadence.”

There was a pause. Julia typically led the conversations, but opted instead to just sit and wait it out. She was tired of talking about nothing. Nope, it was Cadence’s turn to act.

She looked at her with a puzzled look raising one eyebrow at her. Julia stood her ground and waited. Within seconds, Cadence responded asking her why she wasn’t saying anything.

“It all depends on you. I’m not going to lead any more of these times together. You can discuss whatever you’d like.”

“Oh, come on, Julia. That’s such a crock and you know it.”

She was used to some push back from her. There was no reason to fight back. Antagonizing others was just a form of refracting blame off of others.

“Why do you keep doing this to me?” Cadence asked. “I didn’t do anything to you.”

“I’m not quite sure what you mean,” Julia said.

“Why do you keep having to humiliate me?” Cadence gasped as tears quickly flowed down her face. Angrier than Julia had ever seen her, Cadence yelled into the receiver, “I am not one to be pitied! I have to live with what I’ve done. One calculated decision that I made has completely demolished my life and here you come every single week shoving your holier than thou religious shit down my throat. How can you honestly look at me and not think that you’re better than me?”

Julia closed her eyes. Attempting to answer that question was impossible. Begging the Lord to speak through her, she opened her mouth and replied, “I don’t think I’m better than you. I don’t think you’re a waste of space. I don’t visit you to try and make you feel worse about yourself. But, if by chance, visiting you helps you to focus on what you’ve done, then that is the first step to moving on with your life. Taking ownership of your actions is the first step for the rest of your life.”

Cadence locked eyes with her. She wasn’t going to back down. Julia kept looking into her eyes. Cadence diverted eye contact. “You said something,” she paused wiping snot away on her hand, “something when we first met. You talked about, well, you know, ‘God’ (she added in air quotes). You said that God loved his children and all that generic shit.”

Julia nodded. It was encouraging to hear her be so open for once.

“Yeah, well, I want to believe it. Honestly, I do, but I don’t understand how a God who’s supposed to be perfect love and a perfect judge can love someone, well, a murderer like me. The truth is, there just doesn’t seem to be any place for God in a life like mine.”

Julia smiled. This was an opportunity she was waiting for. “Where to begin?”



Damien cleared his throat before he answered the phone. Gus typically called him on walks in between classes on campus. Even though he had no intentions to do so, he had memorized Gus’s class schedule.

He hated to admit to himself, but there were times that he intentionally ignored Gus’s phone calls. Unfortunately for him, Gus would always leave a voicemail. There was just something so uncomfortable between them. Yes, Gus slept with him more than once and yes he found it thrilling and beautiful, but there was something very creepy about it, about how they fell for each other. He couldn’t stop thinking about how he had manipulated the whole situation. It wasn’t exactly Stockholm Syndrome, but it was still creepy in a stalkerish way in how attached Gus had become. Yet, there was something very sad, tragic about Gus. He did feel sorry for him…sometimes. This was one of those rare occasions that he opted to pick up.

“Damien?” Gus answered bewildered.

“Yeah, it’s me,” he replied. “Obviously.”

“I’m sorry,” Gus began. He added that he was just flustered. “I’m not used to you actually picking up.”

“Well let’s just say that today’s your lucky day then.”

“I, uh, I just realized I had never really thanked you for coming with me to visit Uncle Jake with me.”

“You already did that by fucking me.”

“Oh my god, Damien!” Gus whispered, his voice clearly stunned. “Could you be any less subtle?”

“What’s the point, Gus? It’s only you and I on the phone.”

“Well, can we do something romantic together?”

“You don’t think fucking is romantic?”

“It can be,” Gus defended himself. “Making love can be beautiful and thrilling, but I want to connect on more than just a physical level. Let’s have dinner, just the two of us. Candlelight, roses, all the typical clichés. Then we could go back to a fireplace and spend some more time talking and maybe even get physical if you wanted.”

“No, Gus,” Damien shot him down.

“What?”

“I don’t want to do that.”

“Why not?”

“It’s simple, really. It’s embarrassing to go out with someone who’s still closeted to his closest friends, his mother, god even to yourself at times.”

“I’m dating you. That doesn’t mean that I’m gay.”

“You’ve only ever slept with a man, Gus.”

“Yeah, well, maybe I’m bisexual.”

“Bullshit. That doesn’t even exist especially considering you never made love to Cadence. Hell, even I slept with Cadence.”

“Why are you willing to say that you slept with Cadence, but fucked me?” Gus asked.

“Because I’m embarrassed to be with you. You have got to come out. It’s not like you’re trying to be subtle or try to hide it, so why don’t you just get it over with.”

“I don’t believe in labels, Damien. You know that.”

“This isn’t a label, it’s an identity. It’s who you are. Why are you so afraid of that? God, at least Jay was out and I didn’t have to worry about all of this bullshit.”

“My coming out is bullshit to you, huh?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Yes, you did. I’m nothing like Jay.”

The dial tone echoed in his ear. He didn’t regret a single thing he had said. Turning their relationship romantic was an impossible task if he wasn’t willing to admit to others that he was definitively gay.



Jay walked over to Francis and Gil who were clearly on a date in the student center.

“What’s going on? Why wasn’t I invited?” Jay asked solemnly.

Gil’s eyes widened. “Jay!” he exclaimed delighted. “We, uh, we…”

“We didn’t expect to see you here,” Francis completed the question.

“Don’t you have class at this hour?” Gil asked.

“It got canceled, so I went here to get a bite to eat and here I find you two.”

“Look, Jay,” Gil began. He continued saying he needed to explain something. “We love that you want to be in this polyamorous relationship with us, we really do, but we just don’t want to be public about it.”

“Yeah, that’s right,” Francis chimed in. “We have no problem showing you love, attention, or physical affection at the house, but in public…”

“People really aren’t on board yet with the whole multiple partners thing. We’re already gay.”

“So, you don’t want to rock the boat too much,” Jay observed.

“Exactly,” Gil smiled at him.

“Well, can we go on individual dates at other times?”

Francis shook his head. “Jay, we love you, but no one must know that we’re also seeing you until we’re ready to come out about it.”

“How is this fair to me?”

“It’s not exactly,” Gil admitted. “How about this? Tomorrow night at the house we’ll make dinner for you and then you can get as physical as you want or don’t with both of us.”

That did seem enticing. He felt used though, like nothing more than a piece of flesh to sleep with. He didn’t want to focus on that though. He just wanted to get it over with since that’s exactly what Damien had done.

Exhaling, Jay responded, “All right, I’m in.”



Kerass walked with Kathleen across campus. She never stopped praying from the moment she stepped on campus to the moment she left. She was constantly lifting up prayers and praises to God. How? How did she do it?

“I’m really glad you joined me on this prayer walk again,” Kathleen said patting his back. “You know, you could say something too.”

“I don’t know why,” Kerass replied. He stated it seemed like a waste to take away from her time. “I like hearing you pray.”

“It’s not a waste, Kerass. Are you bold enough to pray before our Lord?” she asked.

“I don’t really know how.”

“What do you mean?” she gently asked.

“I mean, I know some really basic kids’ prayers and stuff, but nothing of any meaning or substance other than a child’s memory.”

“I see,” she said. “That was me as well for a time.”

“I doubt that.”

“No, it’s true!” she added smiling. “I sucked at prayer until I started practicing it. See prayer is like a spiritual muscle. You have to use it, stretch it in order for it to grow.”

“Ok…” Kerass said. It didn’t really make much sense to him. He never thought of prayer like working out. He didn’t think when he had worked out. It prevented him from focusing and prayer seemed to be something you needed clear focus and direction on.

“I’m not making much sense to you, am I?” she observed.

“Will you do me a favor?” he asked ignoring her observation.

“Depends on what it is.”

“Will you teach me how to pray?”

“Wow,” she exhaled. “I’d be honored.”



Jeremy pulled out his cell phone. Staring at the ceiling was driving him up the wall. He dialed the number. Kerass picked up instantly.

“Jeremy?” Kerass observed. He added that he was happy to see him call.

“Can we talk, Kerass?”