Damien grabbed Jay’s shoulder physically removing him from the band walking him to the parking lot. Jay yelled in protest screaming that Damien was hurting his arm.
“What is this?” Damien asked quietly holding up the photo of Kerass in the speedo. His eyes pierced Jay’s with a fiery rage. “Huh? Have you been cheating on me?” Damien asked his voice raising.
“No! Of course not...” Jay said pausing. “I took those before I started dating you.”
Damien said ok taking a deep breath before continuing. “Then why do you still have them on your phone and why are there 5 of them?”
“It’s not what you think, it’s-”
“Worse,” Damien finished Jay’s sentence. “Yeah, you bet it is.”
Jay explained that he had forgotten about the photos and they were just a means to release. “I mean you know…you didn’t come out until after I was out for nearly a whole year. You’ve got to release those desires somehow.”
Damien didn’t believe him. It would have been different if it was a different guy but not with Kerass. Kerass was attractive, not as attractive as Damien viewed himself, but still attractive nonetheless. Kerass also had an air of innocence about him that Damien obviously didn’t have.
Sighing, Damien finally said, “Why have you been lying to me?”
“Why are you so paranoid? Did he tell you about my father?” Jay asked.
Damien’s eyes widened. He had no idea what Jay was talking about. Did he even know Jay at all? “What about your father?”
“Forget it.” Jay continued saying that it wasn’t important.
Damien looked at Jay with a look he never thought he would have given Jay, a look of unadulterated hatred.
“Fine, I’ll tell you, just don’t look at me like that ever again,” Jay conceded. “My father adopted me. I told no one about it for a while and then I told Kerass about it.”
“How could you not tell me something so important!” Damien exclaimed flabbergasted. “I’m your boyfriend. I should’ve been the first person you told. How could you tell Kerass before me! Do I mean so little to you?”
“It was nothing!” Jay explained that it was all innocence and he only blabbed to try to maintain a friendship with Kerass. “We hadn’t been close in a while and it obviously opened up our friendship again.”
“Are you finished?” Damien asked agitated.
Jay sighed before he said, “We’re breaking up, aren’t we?”
Damien closed his eyes taking a deep breath before speaking. “No, not officially at least.” Damien told Jay that despite all of this he still loved him. “I just need time to trust you again. We’re not breaking up, but we are taking time apart.”
“We’re taking a break?” Jay asked a single tear falling down his face.
Damien nodded his head before walking away. He didn’t look back. He wanted to punish Jay for withholding so many secrets from him and his mind was still fuming. He desired to exact revenge against Jay, but Damien wasn’t that kind of guy, at least he hadn’t been ever since he came out. Damien began to doubt himself. He didn’t know if he believed anything could be known anymore. It all just seemed so meaningless.
Kerass jumped into the school’s swimming pool. The pool was only used by the swim team. The water was extremely appealing to Kerass. What began last year as a last ditch effort to avoid time alone with his father turned into a hobby he quite enjoyed. He wasn’t a great swimmer like he was a great football player, but he enjoyed swimming a lot more than he enjoyed the football field. Part of it was rebellion against his father who didn’t view swimming as a manly sport, or even viewed it as a sport for that matter, but even the thrills of teenage rebellion could only distract Kerass so much from the water. Kerass felt alive in the water.
By the time he completed his first lap, Gus was standing over his lane. “Can you come up? I want to say something to you,” Gus said.
Kerass got out of the pool upset by the fact that Gus didn’t offer his hand to help him out of the pool but he got over that initial frustration quickly. “What’s going on?”
“Is it true?” Gus asked.
“I beg your pardon?” Kerass asked bewildered.
“Are you seriously that stupid to think that-”
Kerass immediately offended cut Gus off shouting, “Hey! I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about!”
“Cadence, man. Are you going to go out with Cadence again?”
“Maybe…what’s it matter to you?” Kerass asked testy.
“So it is true.”
“No,” Kerass said admitting defeat adding that she hadn’t given him her answer yet.
“Don’t be an idiot. You’d be foolish to go out with her again.”
“You’re jealous, aren’t you?” Kerass said finally realizing why Gus was there.
“No…I don’t want to be near that girl. She’s not who you think she is.”
“Then who is she?”
“I’m not at liberty to say,” Gus replied.
“You are so full of it.”
“Hey, it’s the way I tell the story.”
“You’re not making any sense at all,” Kerass said. He asked why he should listen to him.
“Just tread lightly. You’re about to fall into the deep end.”
“You’re using a pool analogy on me…” Kerass said mockingly.
“Hey, it was the best I could do considering the circumstances. Just be cautious,” Gus said before walking out.
Kerass felt the whole encounter was pointless and didn’t make any sense. To relieve his mind of the utter stupidity of the encounter he dived back into the pool to do another lap.
Julia drove into the school parking lot the following morning. She pulled in right next to Damien who was crying inside his truck. She got out of her car filled with empathy and opened the door to Damien’s truck sitting down in the passenger seat. Damien looked up ashamed. He coyly attempted wiping tears away from his eyes.
“There’s nothing to be embarrassed about,” Julia said.
“No one was supposed to see me like this,” Damien responded gruffly. He then proceeded to yell at her demanding to know why she stepped into his truck uninvited.
“I wasn’t going to just do nothing,” she began. She continued saying that he couldn’t keep her away. “Besides, I think I know how you feel.”
“Lies…”
“Would you rather tell me a lie?”
Damien looked over at her and shook his head.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Julia asked gingerly.
“Obviously not seeing as I didn’t want anybody to see me like this!” Damien snapped back at Julia.
“Please.”
Damien’s lip quivered before he started talking again. Julia hated to admit it, but seeing him cry made her feel incredibly uncomfortable. She empathized with him, but it was difficult sitting still watching him cry. It made her antsy.
“I don’t know who I am without Jay,” he said. He continued saying that he had given Jay everything: time, attention, he didn’t have friends outside of the relationship, and his relationship with his parents suffered. He said he had gotten lost in Jay. “Jay was my whole world. I don’t even know who I am anymore.”
“I’ll be your friend,” Julia offered.
Damien locked eyes with her before saying, “I’d like that.”
Jay had his hand on the doorknob before he heard his father calling him. With his index finger, his father motioned him over.
“I saw Dianne Lesley at your marching band competition.”
“You know, don’t you?” Jay asked.
Jay’s father nodded his head. It didn’t even occur to Jay that his adopted father might run into his birth mother at the competition. How could he have been so stupid!
“Jay, sit down please.”
Jay sat down. He didn’t think he wanted to hear what his father had to say but curiosity got the better of him.
The story his father told astonished him. His father was a gay man who wanted kids but none of his romantic partners desired to have kids and split with him before he could do anything about adoption. He met Lesley on a whim who sympathized with his story but asked that if he adopted the child that he ensured that the child never reached out to her. Being a single father meant that his love life vanished all together but he didn’t regret the decision one bit. His desire to be romantically linked with a man had gone away because of his overwhelming love for his son.
“Are you insinuating that it’s just a phase?” Jay asked.
“No, no, not at all,” his father said with a chuckle. “All I’m saying is that the feelings come and go in phases and for me the times I desire it are far fewer then when I’m totally content with where I’m at.”
“Thanks for sharing Dad.” Jay said with a newfound respect for his father. His father hugged him and told Jay that he loved him no matter what.
Jay then bolted out of the house racing toward the bus stop recognizing that he was going to be late for school. While he respected his father for his honesty he was convinced his dad was suppressing his true homosexual desires. What he said about it coming and going in phases was a load of crap. His father had to be lying to himself…it didn’t make sense any other way.
Cadence walked over to Kerass’ locker holding his outstretched hand. Not a word was said, but they both knew what this meant. The answer was yes and they were officially dating again. Neither Julia nor Damien could keep them apart. Kerass tucked her hair behind her ear and smiled. She felt gorgeous in his eyes. She leaned forward to kiss him, but he held his finger to her lips.
“Is this a mistake?” Kerass asked latent with doubt.
“Don’t fight it,” Cadence responded as their lips locked.
After the initial shock of hearing Jay’s father’s thoughts that homosexuality came in phases, Jay remembered that he said Dianne had asked for him, her own flesh and blood, to not contact her. That couldn’t be true. There had to be a mistake. Maybe she had meant she didn’t want to be contacted during school hours. He needed clarification and he needed it fast.
Without thinking he went straight towards the guidance counselors hallway. First block could wait. He walked straight down the hallway without even giving the receptionist a look. He stopped at her door. He knocked…no response. He knocked again, still there was nothing. He knocked a third time opening the door. The room was completely empty. Everything had been packed up and relocated before school started the Monday after the marching band competition. He looked at the door and noticed that even her nametag had been removed.
No comments:
Post a Comment