Fallen Leaves - Chapter 53: Never Enough

Inhaling, Kerass took a deep breath. He loved that Cadence was reaching out, but he just wished for once it could just be because she wanted to catch up.

“What seems to be the problem?” Kerass asked.

“I, uh,” she paused. There was static. She said something along the lines that she didn’t want to be intrusive. “I mean, we’re not exactly in the same town anymore.”

“That’s true, but you did call me, so let’s just get to the point.”

“God, this is hard, Kerass.”

“There’s no judgment. Just come out and say it.”

“It’s nothing…nothing that can’t wait to be said in person.”

“Are you coming down to visit then?” Kerass asked.

“I’m not sure…” Cadence trailed off.

Kerass held the phone away from his ear once he heard the dial tone.

“What did she say?” Gus asked.

“Nothing really. She said she was in trouble, but she wanted to tell me about it in person. I don’t even know why she called in the first place.”

“It’s probably best not to analyze anything Cadence does.”

“Yeah…” Kerass dragged the word out. Even though he hated the conversation, especially since it accomplished nothing, he couldn’t stop thinking about it.



“Where do you wanna sit?” Gil asked.

“Well, it depends on where we eat,” Jay responded as he looked around the student center. “I’m feeling Mexican.”

Gil stated he always ate there. “I’m sick of it and I already gained like 10 pounds just eating there already this semester.”

“Fine. Let’s just skip the meal today. It’s not like I have the money for it anyway.”

“This is about money?” Gil asked flabbergasted. “I thought you were fine what with your dad and student loans.”

“I am for that part, but after the distant, but foreseeable, graduation, it might be a different story.”

“You think too much, Jay,” Gil shook his head. “Constantly overanalyzing everything.”

“Whatever,” Jay replied as he sat down at an open table in the student center. He looked around. It was shocking how few students were actually there that day. Privacy was always a plus, but this was just depressing. “Where is everybody?”

“It’s Saturday, you know nobody ever shows up here on Saturdays.”

Jay bit his tongue. This was too weird. Gil was the one he turned down. Granted, neither of them wanted a relationship, but still, it must have hurt somewhat. It’d be humiliating if it didn’t hurt him. “Why’d you ask me here…” he paused awkwardly, “Gil?” he added much later than he wanted to.

“Why are you being so awkward, man? You need to work on your social skills.”

“That didn’t really answer the question, now did it?”

“I thought we were friends. I thought it’d be good to catch up again, especially since I didn’t see you at all this summer. I was a little distracted to be honest.”

“You’re not mad that I chose Damien?”

“Absolutely not,” Gil replied, breathing through his mouth.

“I thought we wouldn’t talk again after that.”

“Only if that’s what you want, but somehow you saying yes to catch up brings doubts to my mind. I didn’t spend the summer pining over you. Not everything’s about you, Jay,” he sighed disgruntled. “No, I think you guys make a great couple. Don’t you remember senior year?”

“Not really…that was forever ago. What happened?”

“I set you two up at prom.”

“Oh,” Jay dragged the word out, shaking his head. “Right, but it wasn’t exactly a set up. You totally forced it.”

“And now you have a boyfriend out of it. Keep in mind, I never got a thank you.”

“Dating Damien again didn’t happen right away. What you did didn’t even trigger it. It was much more delayed than that.”

“We’re ranting. I’ve got some news for you. I mean, I want to catch up, hear how you and Damien are doing and all, but I have my motives as well.”

“Spill.”

“I’m dating someone.”

“Really?” Jay asked in a high-pitched voice. “A girl?”

“Yeah, right,” Gil rolled his eyes. “His name’s Francis. He’s really quite special.”

Jay couldn’t help observing that Gil was blushing. It was really quite lovely. There was no greater delight than watching someone falling in love, unless you were experiencing it firsthand, of course. “It must be true love or you wouldn’t be acting this way.”

“I wouldn’t go that far. I mean I love him, definitely. It’s only become more and more obvious as we grew closer to each other over the summer. I’m not sure he’s the one. I don’t feel the same way about him as you feel about Damien is all I’m saying. It must be so great, you know? I mean,” he paused, “you’re with your ultimate. Nothing can separate that love from you. Your relationship inspires me, man. It’s most certainly relationship goals.”

Jay sat back. Yes, he loved Damien. Yes, he made a huge proclamation of love and loyalty to him, but it started to feel like sophomore year of high school all over again. The immense pressure of being with Damien, someone who was undeniably hotter, way more fit than him. He felt he didn’t deserve him, but inexplicably Damien wanted him. Was he really the one though? He wasn’t even convinced that Damien felt the same way.

Gil bid him farewell, imploring him that they’d meet up again, especially so Jay could meet Francis. Jay reassured him that he’d like that. As soon as Gil was out of earshot, Jay pulled out his cell phone, immediately calling Damien. Big surprise, it went straight to voicemail…again. “Hey, baby. I just wanted to tell you that I love you,” he said just as he hung up the phone.



Cadence stared at herself in her bathrobe, the bathroom mirror completely covered from the condensation. She turned the water off. Wiping the mirror with one hand she stared at her eyes through the streak. Her eyes were beautiful, yet filled with so much sorrow and pain. It would never be over, would it? Forever the memory of her decision would haunt her. She wanted to take another pill again, to numb the pain that refused to quiet her mind. Opening up the drawers, she cursed under her breath. Her mother had changed her hiding spot again. The medicine was gone. She didn’t know how she could survive the day. Yet, the sound of her mother’s screams disturbed her thought.

“No, don’t you dare transfer me to the nurse’s line! I’ve already left 3 messages today as it is!” her mother shrieked.

Cadence held her ear to the door so she could hear better, completely unashamed of hearing what her mother was bitching about.

“I have told you repeatedly that someone has stolen my pills. There was 7 when I counted them last night and now there’s only 5.”

Her mother paused. It disturbed Cadence to hear her mother get so upset. She was taking it out on the receptionist who had nothing to do with her dilemma. It was all her own fault, Cadence reminded herself, but as always, her own needs were stronger than her mother’s.

“Don’t put me on hold,” her mother raised her voice. A second later, she shrieked, “YOU’RE DESPICABLE!”

No, there was no way she could tell her mother the truth, not with a temper like that. There was no way at all.



Kerass closed his Bible. He couldn’t believe how much just reading it enraptured him. Yet one thing lingered in the back of his head. Was he betraying his friendship with Damien and Jay by reading a book that at least to him appeared to be incredibly negative towards homosexuals? There was only one way to find out.

It only took one ring before he answered. “Kerass, my buddy, why has it been so long since I’ve heard from you?”

“I’m sorry, Damien. I’ve just been distracted,” Kerass said. He continued stating he would ask how he was doing, but he had a pressing thing on his mind “I have a kind of awkward question for you.”

“There’s no awkward question you could ask me that would offend me. Just say it.”

“I’ve been reading the Bible a lot recently and I’m not gonna lie, I’ve been enjoying it,” Kerass paused biting his tongue.

“Ok, well that’s not really a question, Kerass. That’s just a statement.”

“Am I homophobic for liking the Bible?” Kerass asked with great trepidation.

There was an elongated pause. He knew he shouldn’t have asked the question. It only brought their differences to the forefront. Kerass knew he would never understand what it was like to be gay and well, Jay didn’t help much with the sympathy factor when he first came out to him, but Damien really smoothed things over and his relationship with Damien was so much more important than reading the Bible.

“That’s a beautiful question. I’m really glad you asked that.”

“It’s kind of why I called in the first place. I don’t want to lose our friendship. Well, what do you say? Do you want me to burn the book?”

“Hell, no. If reading it makes you happy, I’m all for it. As long as you don’t use it as an excuse for hatred or to impede the rights of others, I don’t have a problem with you reading it. Hell, years ago I used to read it daily, but it was never enough for me.”

“Really? We should talk about that.”

“No thanks. I have no interest in being converted. I totally think you can still be gay and Christian. I used to fight that battle constantly, but I no longer have a desire to do so. Like I said, if it makes you happy, by all means keep reading it. I want nothing more for you than to be happy and I’m glad that you’re starting to find that, even if it’s in an odd place.”

“Well, ok, then…” Kerass trailed off.

“Don’t feel bad about it. I’ve found happiness through a relationship with a man.”

“Why don’t you just say Jay? It’s a little weird for you to be so blasé about it.”

“I never said I was talking about Jay.”



Slamming the door shut, Cadence screamed out in anger and frustration. Thinking quickly she locked the door behind her. Yes, she was lying, but it didn’t matter. She needed it more than her mother did, why couldn’t her mother understand that?

A gentle knock on her door startled her. “Come on, honey,” her mother said. “Open the door.”

“Why? Just so you can accuse me again?”

“Would you just open the door, please?”

Rolling her eyes, she tucked her hair behind her ears before she unlocked the door.

“That’s better, isn’t it?” Her mother asked in the doorway. “Being able to talk about this?”

“Talk about what mother? I didn’t steal your damn pills.” Cadence said. She continued to ask if there was anything else she wanted to pry out of her.

“You don’t have to be so cruel,” her mother replied gingerly. “Why do you think that I wouldn’t understand that you need to take them when I need to daily?”

“I didn’t steal the pills, I didn’t take the pills, I did nothing with the damn pills. Your fractured memory, which has only gotten worse over the years since you’ve changed your medicine, forgot that you doubled up. It’s not my fault that I have a mother who’s a nutcase who can’t even remember when she took a damn pill.”

“Whenever you’re ready to face the consequences and tell the truth I’m here to listen,” her mother said before closing the door behind her.



Kerass raced to class, barely catching his breath as he sat down in one of the final two seats left, which happened to be in the front row to the far left. Kerass sat down at the edge of the row. At least the professor hadn’t shown up yet.

“Hey,” a guy tapped him on the shoulder. His head was completely shaved and he looked dead tired. “Do you mind if I sit in that seat? I really, really need to be in that seat,” he said as he pointed to the seat where Kerass sat.

“You’re just asking me to move over one?”

The guy nodded. Kerass rolled his eyes, but obliged anyways.

“I can’t believe I made it on time,” Kerass said as he shifted seats.

“Do you want congratulations or something?” he asked nonchalantly as he sat down.

“No, I was just making conversation. I’m Kerass by the way,” he said holding his hand out.

“Jordan,” the guy replied.

Kerass noted that Jordan had no interest in accepting his handshake. Well, that was awkward.

“So, what’s your major?”

“Look, Kerass, is it?”

He nodded.

“Small talk’s not really my thing. It’s not gonna work on me, especially right before class.”

“Well, fine then,” Kerass replied looking to the side. He couldn’t help but spitefully add, have it your way.

“Don’t take it personally.”

“How can I not?”

“Look,” Jordan said, locking eyes with him, “you don’t want to know me. Trust me on that.”



Damien’s eyes became saucers as he saw Gus walking towards him. Instinctively he stood up from the campus bench and walked over towards him.

“I didn’t think you were actually gonna come,” Damien said as his eyes shimmered with tears. He continued stating he was beyond surprised.

“I couldn’t stop thinking about you,” Gus said, “but I don’t know if I can give you what you want.”

“Walk with me?” Damien asked.

Gus simply nodded.

Fallen Leaves - Chapter 52: Fireproof

The sunset was painted across the clouds that evening. Looking at it, appreciating being here for the first time since he transferred, Kerass exhaled beholding the beauty of it all. He had no regrets about transferring to Evergreen Forest. Although high school was definitely over, he felt he needed his high school friends. No, they were still in his life, he corrected himself. They were his friends. That hadn’t stopped just because high school ended or last year when he was so distant and pushed everyone away. He knew he needed them now more than ever. Lyra’s death, their final night together was forever burned, etched into his memory. Only school could distract him from that. He transferred quickly after the funeral and took as many of the summer sessions at Evergreen Forest as he could. While Oak Stream was still home, he just couldn’t bring himself to stay there over the summer.

His backpack hung over his right shoulder, dangling and swaying as he walked across campus. There were no textbooks in his backpack, but there was one book he never left his dorm without. He felt embarrassed to admit that the only thing he carried with him everywhere was Lyra’s Bible, the one that she gifted him. Jay wouldn’t approve, but it didn’t matter because Kerass never talked about it. He couldn’t even admit to himself that he was reading the Bible. He avoided that book like the plague after his mother died. Well, if he was honest with himself he avoided the Bible way before that. He had never read the book as intensely, as focused as he did after Lyra’s passing.

He couldn’t count the number of times he read through Song of Solomon. It was Lyra’s favorite book. It wasn’t the least bit surprising that it was all about sex. Nothing about Lyra surprised him anymore. It was an odd book, one that he couldn’t quite understand and there were a few odd descriptions of a female body that weren’t exactly pc today, but again this was a book that was written thousands of years ago. He found the woman in the book to be quite bold. It was a beautiful, gripping love story. The best he ever read. He was ashamed to admit that he actually enjoyed reading the Bible, well at least one book from it.

Church still disgusted him. The hypocrisy of people like his father as head pastor of a church pissed him off. For his father it was all about protecting himself, never admitting to the wrongs he bestowed upon others, especially the ones towards his mother. He didn’t think he could ever forgive that, despite what Lyra wanted, he just couldn’t bring himself to reach out to him again even when he felt more alone than ever before. The love of his life, Lyra, was gone, and he felt the hole every day. Jay spent time with him almost daily, while Gus could only do weekly due to their class schedules not lining up. They both wanted to help soothe the pain, but it only postponed it, for the moment they were gone and he was alone again. Plus, there were just certain topics that he wanted to remain quiet and even though he loved Jay, and he used to be able to talk with Gus about anything, something had changed in Gus and he couldn’t figure out why, but he just didn’t trust him to the same degree as before. He felt the longing in his heart, for everything to be as it was before, overwhelm him with a terrible sadness. He wondered if he would ever be able to experience, to feel happiness again.

While church was out of the question, he didn’t mind going to Droplet. The meetings mimicked church, but they were filled with college age students only. He couldn’t exactly say he felt welcomed there. No one ever went out of their way to talk to him, but to be fair he didn’t go out of his way to talk to anyone else either. He was perfectly fine being alone. Just being in a place where people worshipped God was comforting to him. He had forgotten how much he truly missed having God be a part of his life. The journal entries to God had begun over the course of the summer and as time went on they became daily. A habit, Kerass knew, his mother, and especially Lyra, would’ve been thrilled with.

Standing outside the auditorium, he found himself back to a place where he lost his worries, even if it was only for an hour. Jeremy walked straight up to him giving him a side hug.

“I didn’t know you were coming to Droplet tonight,” Jeremy said smiling.

“I’ve actually been coming all semester.”

“Well, I’m sorry I haven’t noticed until now.”

“It’s no big deal.”

“Sit with me?” Jeremy asked.

Kerass nodded. Jeremy understood him to a greater degree than any of his friends. While Jeremy had always been more of Jay’s friend, Kerass couldn’t deny that he wanted to get to know him better, to talk with him about his struggles, his doubts.

Patting his back, Jeremy led him inside. Kerass knew then that he could no longer hide at Droplet. He knew definitively that he wasn’t alone.



Panting, Jay took a deep breath, placing his hands on his knees as the sweat poured, dripping down his face. His heartbeat pounded inside his head, refusing to come down. It was like his body was shutting down on him telling him he couldn’t push himself anymore. He sat down, but he still felt overheated. Laying himself down, he stretched out on the ground, paying attention to how he breathed through his stomach as opposed to through his mouth, rhythmically.

Gus ran past him slowing down, he jogged backwards to where he lay. Jay couldn’t help himself from staring at Gus who was shirtless. Yep, running with Gus was the best decision he had made since the start of sophomore year.

“Are you really that exhausted?” Gus asked leaning over him, blocking the sun’s gaze. “Are you ok? Do I need to call someone?”

Jay shook his head. He told Gus he’d be fine and that it would take him a while to catch up. “I mean, it seems like it’s impossible for me to be up to your level of fitness.”

“It’s not about getting to my level of fitness. It’s about stretching yourself and your body to its fullest potential. It’s all about your personal health. Granted that’s going to look differently for everybody.”

“You proud of me for doing this?” Jay asked leaning up, stretching his legs out on the ground.

“What sort of question is that? Of course I’m proud of you. I’m gonna push you, but there are limits. You can always call it off.”

“I don’t think that’ll be necessary,” Jay said unable to prevent himself from staring at Gus’s chest. What was he doing? He was with Damien. Yes, they were at different schools, but he shouldn’t be doing this. “I, uh, guess I’ll see you next week same time?”

“Yeah you will, but this isn’t goodbye today. Come on,” Gus said holding out his hand helping Jay back onto his feet. “We’ll just walk back today.”

Jay beamed, content with himself being on campus with his old high school friends. It seemed right. Still…ogling Gus wasn’t such a bad thing…was it?



The gunshot echoed in Cadence’s mind, forcing a gasp out of her mouth, as she was startled awake. The memory etched forever in her brain, every detail, every sight, every sound, every millisecond replayed in her dreams. The same dream occurred every night since the incident.

Placing her feet on the floor, she sat herself up from the couch, rubbing her temples attempting to quiet the memory again. It had played twice, first during the night, the second time during her afternoon nap. Her mind was screaming at her to take another pill. She daren’t tell her mother she was stealing her pills again. The fact that her mother screamed at the psych office staff over the phone swearing she didn’t know where the pills went didn’t deter her from taking pills again and again. Cadence didn’t swallow them to feel something, quite the opposite really. She took them to numb the pain. The only thing that quieted her mind was to feel nothing.

Looking outside, across the street, she saw the telephone pole. The white sheet stapled at eye level blew slightly in the wind. She didn’t need to read it to tell what it said. She already knew. His face was on it. The face she put a bullet through. No one knew what happened. He was reported missing. The tears of his family, his mother, were all over the news. Cadence tuned it all out, unable to look at the screen. Offering instead to differ another year of school, she became a recluse, never once leaving the house, except when her mother forced her to eat out with her. Staring at his face, his piercing eyes peering into her very soul on every street corner in Oak Stream was too much for her to handle. Her mother would never understand why she did it, why she pulled the trigger, why she murdered her ex, but there might be one who would. Pulling out her cell phone, she turned it on for the first time in over a month. Looking at her contacts list she saw only three names: Lyra, Gus, and Kerass. She’d never forgive herself for missing Lyra’s funeral. The other two names jumped out at her on the screen. She knew instinctively who she should call.



Damien jolted awake from his nap. His ringtone, set to High School Musical’s epic finale number, We’re All in This Together set his heart racing first with annoyance and aggression at being woken up, but then subsided to pure bliss and glee over the nostalgia of it all. Turning on his side, he noticed it was only 3:43, well before his 4:00 alarm was supposed to go off. Grabbing his phone, he noticed that Gus was calling him. Picking up instantly, he said, “Hey, Gus.” He continued to ask how he was doing.

“I’m doing fine, Damien. I just wanted to hear your voice.”

“How’s everything with your uncle?”

“Oh, it’s the same. Nothing’s really changed about that.”

“Did you take my advice?” Damien asked groggily, forcing himself awake.

“It’s hard to talk to Kerass about this.”

“He’d understand, I assure you of that.”

“I don’t doubt that,” Gus added, “but he just has so much going on emotionally. I don’t think he can focus on anybody else anymore, at least not for a while.”

“That’s fair.”

“You’ve been great, Damien.”

“I thank you, but I don’t think I’ve done much, just listened.”

“I want to do something for you,” Gus said, his voice sounded exhilarated.

“What are you saying exactly?”

“You’ll find out soon enough. I’m going to visit you next weekend.”

“Wow, Gus are, are you sure about this?” Damien asked, but it was too late. Gus had already hung up the phone.



Kerass sat down on the couch in Gus’s dorm room. It was always nice, having their weekly time together since their class schedules prevented them from seeing each other daily. It was desperately needed especially considering he could no longer have that with Damien since he stayed at Dowden Terrace. He felt a little bad because he had interrupted a phone call, but Gus told him not to stress over it. He pulled his backpack off his shoulder and pushed it under the couch.

“What books did you bring with you today?” Gus asked. They always spent time discussing books, whether it was textbooks from class or pleasure reading. Part of their time together was spent analyzing books.

“Only one this time,” Kerass said. He couldn’t help but smile watching Gus’s reaction as the shock came upon him.

“I brought two,” Gus added.

“Which did you bring?”

“Uh…” Gus paused as he pulled out an intro to psych textbook. “This is the first one. Very interesting, fascinating even, but I think it’d be foolish to major in.”

“Well, that’s good to recognize,” Kerass replied. He proceeded to ask when he needed to declare a major.

“The end of the semester. I just can’t figure out what I want.”

“Maybe you should switch over to education. Spend more time with me.”

Gus laughed. “No, thanks. I already spend too much time in school. It’d kill me to have a job in school.”

“I guess I can’t get enough of it.”

“You guess or you know?”

“I know,” Kerass assured himself.

“Why?”

Kerass puffed his cheeks and exhaled. It was over-the-top in his mind, which caused him to smile.

“Well?” Gus asked.

“I guess school helps me maintain some of the innocence I lost in high school.”

“Wow…” Gus paused. “Everyone needs an escape, but school will just never be that for me.”

“We’re off topic here. What other books did you bring?”

“Oh, yeah,” Gus rolled his eyes as he pulled out The Kill Order by James Dashner.

“What the hell is that?”

“It’s a Maze Runner prequel.”

“What’s Maze Runner?” Kerass asked bewildered.

“A fad that’s already past. It’s pretty old now, but the movies were popular when we were in high school.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No, it’s shit.”

“Then why do you keep reading it?”

“I don’t know…” Gus trailed off. “The completionist in me, I guess. Anyway, what did you bring and don’t avoid the question this time.”

Kerass pulled his backpack out from under him. Unzipping it, he pulled out the Bible Lyra gifted him.

“Ahh,” Gus raised his eyebrows. “We’re reading some scripture here.”

“Yeah,” Kerass replied embarrassed.

“Don’t be shy. What do you like about the Bible?”

“It’s very honest.”

Gus burst out laughing. “That’s one way of putting it.”

“It’s hard to talk about it with you.”

“Why’s that?”

“Well,” Kerass sighed, “you just seem like the kind of guy who’d hate it.”

“You’d be surprised. Honestly it was me who turned Lyra back on to reading her Bible.”

“Really?” Kerass asked intrigued.

Gus nodded. “Those are good memories.”

“Where are you now with the Bible?”

“Distant at the best of times. Negligent for the most part. To be blunt, I really struggle with the limited sexual component of it. I don’t like limiting sexuality like that. That part I’ve changed my mind on. I think it’s quite harmful.”

“Yeah, I struggle with that too.”

“I bet, being as close to Jay as you are. Not the easiest thing to come to terms with, is it?”

Kerass shook his head. He didn’t want to think about Jay now. They had always struggled with his sexuality together. Jay had crossed several boundaries of friendship, despite his compassion and loyalty. Nothing about being friends with Jay was easy.

“What about us?” Kerass asked shattering the silence.

“I don’t understand the question.”

“Are we solid?”

“Yeah, man. We’re great friends, you know that.”

“I always sort of viewed our friendship as fireproof.”

Gus sighed. “We’re fine, I don’t want you to get the wrong idea, but we’re not fireproof. I don’t believe any human relationships are.”

A phone vibrated on Gus’s desk. They locked eyes with each other as they both had left their phones there to limit distractions from their time together. When it continued vibrating, Gus stood up and walked over grabbing the phones.

“Oh my god…Cadence is calling.”

“Well, aren’t you going to answer?”

“No, because it’s for you,” Gus replied holding out Kerass’s phone to him.

“Do you want me to answer?” Kerass asked trepidatiously.

“Yes, of course. It’s not a problem man. Just answer.”

Kerass held the phone to his ear, keeping privacy between them when he answered. “I’m surprised to see you call.”

“I’m sorry it’s been so long, Kerass.”

“Let’s skip the pleasantries today. I don’t think you’re calling just because you feel bad for not keeping up. What’s going on?”

Kerass waited for the answer, which didn’t come right away. Looking at the clock on the wall, he became irritated when he saw 30 seconds pass. Finally, he heard a sigh and what sounded like muffled tears on the other end.

“I’m in trouble.”

Fallen Leaves - Chapter 51: Home

The grass finally started to peak through the shallow grave where he lay. It was gone in a flash. The car sped past the dismal place, the last place she last felt exhilarated, alive. Her heart pounded, knowing she would be caught. Her mother knew something was wrong, but she didn’t know the depth of how troubled she felt daily. All her mother knew was that she wasn’t eating and she either slept for days or stayed up well past 24 hours. Nothing about her existence was normal and while she thought she never wanted a normal life, she begged for normalcy now. Every time she forced the shovel into the dirt, reliving the memory in vivid color and detail, she felt a drive, a push to see her decision through to completion. It didn’t take long before the job was done, the dirt covering up all the evidence. Yet once it was over, she couldn’t say she outright regretted the decision, but she started to doubt it.

She couldn’t talk, only briefly in passing to her mother for the most mundane conversations. They hadn’t had an open dialogue since high school and even then it wasn’t open at the end of her high school career. They used to be so close, but Cadence had pushed her mother away. This, the murdering of her ex, was something she’d never admit to, something her mother would never understand. No one in her life would ever comprehend why she felt the need to pull the trigger.

She hadn’t been herself for years. Admitting to herself that she had a tendency to hide behind boys, men, relationships as opposed to exploring who she really was…it all seemed so hopeless. Who was she? She couldn’t even answer that simple question. She’d never grow up, would she? She’d stay frozen in time forever creating the grave. She relived those moments every day. No, it’d never be the same for her. Even looking at the grave seeing how it grew grass and moved on through the summer season transitioning to fall made her feel utterly hopeless. If only grass could cover her memories. If only she could start anew every season, but that could never be. No, for now she would remain silent because the truth would never set her free, it would only condemn her.



Damien cleared his throat as he sat down. Brian, his therapist, smiled at him while Damien pulled the back of his shirt down. Damien chuckled to himself as he kept fidgeting, adjusting his position in the chair in an attempt to get comfortable.

“Wow, it’s good to see you so happy. How has this week been for you?” Brian asked.

“You know, it’s the last day under their roof before I begin my senior year?” Damien replied beaming.

“How are they taking you as a college senior?”

Exhaling, Damien replied, “Well enough, I guess. I think they’re excited. They actually mentioned it to me earlier this week. They’re still paying for school. I pay for this.”

“I know you do. You’re on time every week and I greatly appreciate it. So…”

“You don’t have to ask, I’ll just spill.”

“All right then,” Brian replied.

“Well, uh, how do I say it? They still don’t approve. I try to tell them about Jay and how we’re doing as a couple, but they don’t want to listen. They’ll only listen if I was dating a female. Having a gay son isn’t an option for them,” he replied as tears flowed effortlessly out of his eyes, regardless of how hard he tried to contain his emotions.

“I’m sorry you have to go through that. You shouldn’t have to.”

“I know,” he said while he wiped the tears away.

“Have I ever told you what I did? How my family finally came to accept me for who I am?”

Damien shook his head. This always happened. He would go in with such a positive attitude just having the best day and somehow Brian always brought the tears out of him. He wanted to escape the realities of the fact that so few people in his life supported him as a gay man. Brian was an ally, but he always brought the reality crashing down around him.

“I gave them an ultimatum. They either accepted me as gay or they no longer had me as a son. They took a week to mull it over, which was torturous for me, but ultimately they determined that their love for me outweighed their misgivings about my sexuality.”

“Did they eventually become allies?”

“Yes, they came to the wedding and now they have my husband and I over every year during the holidays. They’re glad I was honest with them even though it took them some time to get there.”

“I just don’t think I could do that. I’m not that strong to make them choose. I fear I would lose them forever.”

“If that’s something that you need, their love and support I think you need to make it more real to them. They’re just ignoring that they have a gay son. You are their son. They obviously love you or they wouldn’t be paying for college.”

“That’s true enough. I want their support so badly, but to cut them out of my life…I guess I’m just not that type of person.”

“Listen to me, Damien. It is not up to you to make your parents happy. Most religious parents come around eventually. It’s a coming out process for them, too.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Well, let’s not dwell on such a dour note. Why don’t you tell me about Jay?”

“Well, that’s another thing actually. I love him, I do, but I’m starting to have doubts about whether he’s the one. He gave this huge proclamation of love to me, but then we just remained stagnant. We started dating again, and the love was there, but it just didn’t grow. I always thought that if it was the one that your love would blossom and grow deeper and deeper with each passing year.”

“Have you been intimate with him?”

“We’ve kissed.”

“Have you been intimate with him beyond kissing?”

“No,” Damien shook his head. “You know how I feel about sex outside of marriage.”

“That’s your parents talking, not you. It’s fine if Jay isn’t your lifelong partner, but you’re putting a major roadblock for deepening your love.”

“You’re saying I should just give myself sexually to him?”

“No, I’m not saying that, but to complain about him, or even questioning his love for you when you’re not willing to indulge him sexually, that’s more on you than on him.”

“I guess I never really thought of it that way.”

“You don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with, but from everything you’ve said it sounds like you’re ready for it, perhaps not with Jay, but let’s face it, you’re not even a virgin. You’ve had sex with Cadence before.”

“Yeah, but this is different. I hadn’t realized I was gay then. Sex with men is different. It’s more intimate, more terrifying.”

“What are you afraid of?”

“What if he doesn’t love me anymore after we have sex?”

“Have you talked with him about that?” Brian asked, challenging him.

Damien told him no. He continued saying that he knew he should trust Jay, but something kept holding him back. “He was the one who made the commitment, not me.”

“Well, it sounds like you two had better start talking.”



Kerass opened the door to his dorm room, pleased and surprised to see Jay. They hugged each other as Kerass ushered Jay into the room.

“You arrived early,” Kerass observed as he sat on his bed while Jay put his stuff on the other bed.

“Yeah, I just had to get out. It’s good to be back, especially now that we’re roommates.”

“You know, you could’ve called me. I would’ve helped you carry your stuff in.”

“You’ve got a lot on your mind,” Jay responded. He continued asking how he’d been. “I mean, I haven’t seen you since the weekend of the funeral. You just went off to do the summer sessions.”

“Yeah, and I aced all of ‘em.”

“Be honest with me, Kerass.”

“I always am, Jay,” Kerass chastised him.

“Did you want me to stop calling? I mean, you screened my calls all summer.”

“I know,” Kerass whispered in reply. “I’m glad that you called even though I couldn’t answer. Honestly, I didn’t talk to anyone from home. I just,” he paused, exhaling, “needed to get away, to be truly away from Oak Stream.”

“It’s funny how you still call it home.”

“Oh, Oak Stream will always be home. I just had to leave for a time. I may be back next summer, but I don’t know. It’s hard to imagine ever living away from that small town.”

“I thrive off the idea of breaking free from it.”

Kerass smiled at Jay. It wasn’t the least bit surprising to hear that Jay did well outside of the small town setting. Kerass always knew he had his eyes on the spotlight of the city. Yet, he knew he’d never be able to survive living there himself. It’d be fine to visit Jay for the weekend, but he could never commit to it long term.

“Do you want to talk about her?” Jay asked breaking his train of thought.

“That’s very sweet of you ask, Jay, but the answer’s no. I’ll let you know when I’m ready to discuss her again. For now, just respect my wishes.”

“All right,” Jay conceded. “Can I ask you something completely off topic?”

“Please do.”

“If Damien visits me, will you have a problem with that?”

“Damien’s a friend of mine. It’d be fine.”

“Even if we slept together in this room?”

“I thought he wanted to wait until marriage.”

“Well, he may be open to me exploring that with other people.”

“That doesn’t sound like Damien. I wouldn’t want you to do it, but I can’t stop you if you do. Just let me know and by the way, there’s no way I’m spending the night in somebody else’s dorm room.”

“Would you say the same thing if I was dating a girl?”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Kerass retorted.

“Do you wish I were straight?”

“I don’t know,” Kerass paused. “I guess I never thought about it really. You are who you are. I’m glad we’re friends. Is that a satisfactory answer?”

“No,” Jay gripped his pillow. “I want you to be supportive of me, of who I am.”

“I love you, Jay.”

“That’s a lil better.”

“Can we move on now?” Kerass asked. When Jay nodded, Kerass asked him to tell him about his summer. Jay blabbed on and on about Damien and all the places they went. Kerass tuned out most of it, but he couldn’t help but pause when he heard that they went hiking to the place of her passing. They couldn’t have known that was where it happened, but he knew he’d think on that night for the rest of the day. It took everything in him to not burst into tears in front of Jay.



Damien thanked his therapist profusely as he walked out of his office. It was quite possibly the last time he would ever see him. Brian had transformed his life and he was eternally grateful for how he helped him come to terms with his sexuality and who he truly was. He could never repay the favor.

While he walked down the never-ending hallway towards the main entrance, he paused as he saw someone he recognized openly weeping for all to see.

“Gus?” Damien asked unable to prevent himself from walking straight over and touching his shoulder.

“Damien? Wha-, what are you doing here?” Gus asked wiping the tears from his eyes.

“I go to therapy here over the summer. What’s wrong, Gus?” Damien asked. He continued saying that people don’t burst into tears in a hospital unless something was wrong.

“I, uh, I’ll show you,” Gus said leading him down a corridor to another department. Walking into Room 5610, Gus pointed at a man who lay perfectly still. A machine helped him breathe. This man was in a coma.

“Who is he?” Damien asked.

“My mentor. The greatest man I’ve ever known. He’s not my blood relative, but he’s mine. My Uncle Jake.”

Gus burst into tears again. Damien grabbed him, hugging him, refusing to let go as the tears fell upon his shoulders. He never wanted to let him go. He only wanted to be there to comfort him and help him through this tragedy.



Damien backed out of the driveway. His mother rushed out calling and waving at him. Putting his foot on the brakes, he turned the ignition shutting off the engine.

“Yes, Mom?” Damien asked. He added that he was in a hurry to get to campus before his first class at 11.

“I just wanted to tell you that your father and I, well, we love you.”

“Thanks, Mom, but do you really love me? Like do you love me for who I am? Can you truly love your sensitive, gay son?”

His mother remained silent.

“That’s what I thought,” Damien replied as he started up the engine again. He daren’t look to see if his mother waved him off.

His mind already past the conversation, he thought back to Brian and Gus. He had given his phone number to Gus, told him to feel free to call at any time, but for whatever reason, he didn’t think it would ever happen. He couldn’t help but think about how attractive Gus was. He knew he was betraying Jay by even thinking it, but he wouldn’t mind getting together with Gus. What a terrible thing to think! Damien chastised himself. Gus was suffering from an emotional roller coaster and all he could think about was getting it on with him. What a betrayal of trust. Perhaps Jay would understand, he thought sarcastically. Yet calling Jay wasn't such a bad idea.

Pushing his speed dial, he called Jay, who naturally picked up instantly.

“Hey, baby,” Damien said.

“Hey, you on the road right now?”

“Yeah, about to get on the highway.”

“Excellent. Do you need someone to talk to during the trip?”

“You’d talk to me the full 4-hour drive?”

“You bet,” Jay replied tenderly.

An incoming call disrupted his train of thought beeping incessantly. “Hey, Jay, I’m getting an incoming call. It’s an unknown number, probably just a telemarketer, but can I call you back right away?”

“Yeah, sure thing.”

“I’ll just be gone 5 seconds.”

Picking up, he stated, “This is Damien.”

“Damien?” Gus asked. “I was hoping I had the right number. This is Gus by the way.”

“Yeah, I know who you are. I recognized your voice.”

“You’re not busy or anything, right? I mean you don’t have anyone else to talk to right now?”

“Not at all,” Damien couldn’t help but smile. “No one except you.”