The rain fell lightly strumming against the metal of the new water tower. Damien looked at Jay while he rushed under the base to prevent himself from getting drenched. He couldn’t help but laugh to himself. The rain had never bothered him. The guttural screech that came out of Jay’s mouth when he first got wet was one of the oddest and funniest sounds he had ever heard. It was hard to think back on the time when they weren’t in synch with each other, where their souls weren’t compatible with one another.
He was soaked, water dripped down from the tips of his hair. He stepped under the water tower to join Jay. Gazing at him with such longing, he knew they would get back together. Nothing could prevent him from getting exactly what he wanted.
“I’m proud of you,” Damien said grabbing his face.
“Why?” Jay asked.
“Because…” Damien sighed. He pressed on saying it was difficult to put into words everything they had gone through. “You reached out to me in boldness, asking me to prom. I had forgotten everything we had meant to each other two years ago. It made me realize that I, I just want you. Kiss me,” he whispered leaning forward, caressing his face.
“No,” Jay pushed him away.
“No?” Damien replied feeling heartache over the rejection. What had gone wrong? Everything was right, the timing perfection. Perhaps he was rushing into things, but that text from Jay was so out of the blue and so wonderfully timed. He had received it the night he had come home from the semester. Nothing made sense.
“I want to wait for the right moment,” Jay timidly replied.
“What? It’s not like this isn’t the first time we’ve kissed each other. The water tower in the rain, that’s not romantic enough for you?”
“Don’t rush it, Damien,” Jay begged. “We still need to see if we’re right for each other. Let’s not get into the habit of lying to each other again.”
“I think you were the one who lied to me, kept secrets from me, but that’s all in the past, right?”
“Yeah, I guess so. Look, I need to get to school anyways.”
“Prom’s not til 8:00 tonight,” Damien pointed out. “I can think of much better things to pass the time.”
“I’ve got my final marching band performance first. I’ll see you tonight, though.”
“I can go and watch you perform.”
“Please don’t. If you’re there I’ll be distracted.”
“Isn’t that a good thing?”
“No, not when I need to perform. I need this, please try to understand.”
“All right, you need your space. I won’t press you again.”
“Thanks. If the timing’s right, the right song, the right dance, you might get exactly what you want tonight.”
“Don’t pressure yourself. It’ll be fine. I’ll call Vance, we need to talk anyways.”
“Who’s Vance?” Jay questioned, his voice defensive.
“No one for you to feel threatened about. Don’t worry, he’s not even gay. He’s just a friend from college and we just need each other to talk. Nothing for you to be jealous about.”
Jay nodded walking away. Damien tried his hardest to remain silent, but his heart longed for finality. He needed to have more closure on this conversation.
“Do you trust me?” he called out.
Jay paused, without turning around he said, “I’m trying to.”
Jay felt queasy for the first time sitting down in the stands of the football field waiting for the results of their final performance ever. Sickness overwhelmed him, but it wasn’t physical, just emotional. He was completely emotionally drained and he didn’t know how to fix that, how to change it. It was great being back with Damien, but it all felt like a giant lie. Gil had been the one to text Damien, asking him to prom. Jay didn’t feel brave at all. He was too passive to admit to Damien the truth. It was a nice gesture that Damien was so excited about it, but Jay didn’t instigate this and the amount of love and affection towards him when they hadn’t spoken since the summer before junior year, it all seemed too fast.
He had been distracted the entire performance. He felt he was off an entire measure with his dance movements. None of them seemed to be in harmony with one another. Another year of him sticking out like a sore thumb being the only male on the color guard didn’t help things either, but he felt he should at least be grateful. Last year he was viewing this performance from the stands. Cadence sat beside him on the stands, clinging his arm.
“That performance was marvelous. Breathtaking. It was the best performance you’ve ever done,” she gushed. She continued saying he must be so proud of everything he’d accomplished.
“Honestly, I thought I sucked.”
“No, Jay,” Cadence reassured him. “There was something about your movements, a deep sadness that never came through before. It was by far your most honest performance and for that you have to be so proud.”
“I’ll try to be,” Jay whispered as the announcer quieted everyone in the stands.
The usual congratulatory crap was stated. They were all winners, there were no losers, and everyone should feel so accomplished by what they had accomplished this year alone. Jay tuned the rest of it out just wanting them to get on with it. He just wanted it all to be over.
“Oak Stream…” the announcer paused. Jay bit his tongue, holding his breath he closed his eyes. “Superior.”
Jay opened his eyes. Mr. Martin had trained them well. They cordially applauded, but didn’t cheer. Inside everyone was beaming with pride. They had gotten a 1. Each year since they had joined sophomore year, they had gotten increasingly better. For the first time Jay felt at peace about leaving high school, the marching band behind. He had said goodbye to the stage and now he was saying goodbye to the field.
“I told you last week, you’ve got nothing to be ashamed of. Both your performance on that stage and on this field were nothing short of spectacular. Say it for me, come on,” she egged on.
“All right,” he conceded, “I’m bursting with pride,” he said rolling his eyes.
“The saddest part is I know you mean that.”
“Whatever,” he said under his breath.
“Go on, text him,” she prodded.
“How do you know?”
“The whole band’s talking about it. Nobody cares as long as you two don’t fight in front of them again.”
“That happened two years ago. We’ve matured since then, I hope,” he jokingly doubted.
“Go on,” she encouraged.
“All right,” Jay replied pulling out his cell phone. Before he knew it, they were on the bus ride back to the school. Damien never replied back the entire journey home. Vance might not be gay, but there was something about Vance that had stolen Damien’s heart and Jay wasn’t fully convinced that he even cared.
Damien walked down the street trying to get a breath of fresh air. He jolted when he heard pounding on somebody’s door. Glancing over he noticed that guy that Cadence had hung out with all the time his senior year. What was his name, Gabe? No, but it definitely started with a G…Gus, that had to be it.
“Uncle Jake!” Gus banged on the door, calling the name out peacefully. “Uncle Jake!”
The poor boy was repeating the name over and over. The door opened sharply. Damien held back nervous he might get caught eavesdropping on their conversation.
“What’s wrong?”
“I need your advice. I think I did something foolish,” Gus sighed.
“Come on inside,” the man said.
Damien breathed a sigh of relief as the door closed. Within seconds he saw Cadence walking down the street to the same house.
Cadence knocked on Mr. Baysinger’s door. She heard rumblings inside so she waited patiently for the door to open. Mr. Baysinger opened the door slowly.
“Cadence,” Mr. Baysinger said, “what are you doing here?”
“I tried to find Gus at his house, but his mother told me he was here.”
“Oh, I see,” he breathed.
“Can I see him?”
Mr. Baysinger nodded. It didn’t take long before Gus walked outside closing the door behind him.
“Hey,” Gus said.
It seemed so simple, so nonchalant, like nothing had ever happened between them. Without saying a word, Cadence handed Gus one of the tickets. He exhaled when he glanced at it.
“Prom…” he uttered.
“We bought the tickets months ago before we talked during the-” she paused. She couldn’t bring herself to say it.
“It’s all right.”
“We never committed to go together,” Cadence began. She continued saying it was just an assumption that they would. “So what do you say?”
“I didn’t get a tux. Honestly it slipped from my mind completely.”
“I don’t care how you dress. I just think it’d be good for us to go together, it’d give us some time to talk.”
“I just don’t agree,” Gus shook his head. “I’m sorry, Cadence, but I just can’t,” he said as he handed the ticket back to her.
The door closed behind her as she walked away from Mr. Baysinger’s house. She held the ticket in her hand, taking in every color, every word. After she had put it to memory she ripped it in half. She knew she would never have prom memories. A hand grabbed her as she was walking down the street.
“Damien,” she breathed as she turned around.
“Hey, I’m here to listen if you ever need to talk.”
She nodded. Without a word she walked away from him. He knew her so well that she knew it wouldn’t bother him. She needed time alone, time away from men period.
“You ain’t dressed,” Bryce pointed out to Kerass.
“How do you mean?” Kerass asked completely baffled by his roommate’s observation.
“It’s prom night, now don’t tell me you lack school spirit. Don’t be lame on me now.”
“I’m not,” Kerass explained. He stated that he was going on a hike with Lyra.
“Oh, is she the new special someone?”
“Like you care.”
“Give me a chance, mate,” Bryce jokingly pushed back. “I’m trying my best here.”
“I know you are. She’s not…yet at least.”
“You going to ask her out?”
“Maybe, I don’t know. We’re friends. I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Ok,” Bryce conceded. “I can respect your space.”
“I got my college letters the other day,” Kerass said abruptly changing the subject. He knew this would get Bryce off of his back from all the questions about Lyra or how he was doing with loving himself, a subject he realized quickly he really didn’t want to share frequently with Bryce. That’s what Mr. Baganz was for.
“And?”
“I got in. I got accepted into all of the schools I applied to.”
“That’s excellent! You must be so proud. Which one are you going to pick?” Bryce asked.
“None of them,” Kerass paused. “I proved to myself that I could get in, but I can’t afford any of them and it’s a little too late to have scholarships pick up everything.”
“You can’t just not go…”
“Oh yeah? Watch me.”
“If you talked to your father.”
“To hell with my father,” Kerass acidly replied. “I’m not letting him know that I got in because it doesn’t matter. All he needs to know is that I’m breathing. He doesn’t need to be a part of anything else in my life.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way.”
“Don’t. I couldn’t be happier,” Kerass said smugly. “Don’t wait up,” Kerass replied as he walked out the door.
“This is where we stopped last time,” Lyra told Kerass. “You seem stronger now. You been working out?”
“No, honestly,” Kerass laughed. “I’m just determined.”
He followed her as she led him further up the mountain. The sun was blazing, directly in his eyes, but he didn’t care. He was with her, the only girl, the only person who understood where his boundaries were and respected them. For all intents and purposes, she was his best friend and that was strange of him to admit. He couldn’t keep silent anymore. He held his hand up blocking his eyes from the sun glaring down on them in the cloudless sky.
“Just one more step,” she held out her hand pulling him up to the crest of the mountain.
Kerass held his breath as he surveyed the beauty of the sea of green. Directly beside him lay a waterfall the fed into a small river that poured down the other side of the mountain.
“Ready for a swim?” Lyra challenged him.
“I don’t have a bathing suit. What am I supposed to do, swim with all my clothes on?” Kerass joked.
“No, of course not. Take them off. Then jump in.”
“You can’t be serious.”
“Don’t tell me you’ve never skinny dipped before.”
“Um…”
“Sure this river’s a little dangerous if you fall over the edge, but I won’t let that happen.”
“You saying we’re together now?”
“Don’t ruin the memory.”
“It’s not a memory yet.”
“Exactly. Live in the moment,” Lyra said as she began undressing before him.
Jay sat at one of the tables to the side with Damien. They hadn’t gotten on the dance floor once and Jay felt incredibly uncomfortable to be there with his ex of all people.
“You know, you could ask me to dance,” Damien prodded. “I’d say yes.”
“I don’t want to dance,” Jay responded agitated.
“Then why’d you ask me here in the first place?”
“I didn’t,” Jay began. He explained to Damien that it was a friend who had texted for him. “It’s just as creepy as it sounds.”
“Why would he do that for you, not that I’m upset to be here with you. I guess I’m just a little disappointed. Wish my expectations were more properly set.”
“I couldn’t say anything,” Jay threw off to the side.
“You don’t really want me here tonight, do you?”
“I thought I did, but when you never replied to any of my texts on the drive back…”
“I’m sorry that I hurt you by that.”
“No, that’s just the thing. I realized I didn’t care. Vance may not be gay, but you definitely have feelings for him.”
“I do not!” Damien defended.
“Yeah, you do. Otherwise you wouldn’t have spent all that time talking with him and ignoring your boyfriend.”
“Can I at least give you one dance?”
“I’m not asking you to leave.”
“Let’s stand out one last time?” Damien pleaded.
“Ok,” Jay whispered in agreement. Damien held out his hand leading him onto the dance floor as the Motown hit My Girl started playing. Jay rolled his eyes at the irony of it all.
“I know, I know, but just change one word and it’s the best song ever,” Damien reassured him.
Jay thought he was over Damien, but he realized how comfortable he felt dancing with him on the floor. He was definitely over Damien, but the mixed feelings started messing with his head. Sighing, he leaned his head on Damien’s shoulder and rested as the song played on ignoring all the stares from everyone around them.
“Don’t look!” Kerass commanded as he pulled off his last layer of clothing. Screaming he jumped into the water. He felt his nostrils flare with water. He rushed up to the surface laughing. Instantly he splashed Lyra. She splashed him back. He grabbed her head and dunked it under the water’s surface. Oddly enough even though they were naked, Kerass felt no shame. The moment was pure bliss, pure innocence. He forced his eyes not to look down at her.
“See?” Lyra raised her eyebrows. “I told you you’d have fun.”
Kerass beamed at her. He replied that he had never had as much fun in his life. “Can we address the elephant in the room?”
“No, I’m not looking, so don’t even me to-” Lyra began.
“No, no,” Kerass cut her off. “Will you, uh, will you be my girlfriend?” he felt so lame as he finished the question.
“You want to address this now while we’re skinny dipping on the top of a mountain? What sort of psycho are you?” Lyra replied floored.
“Will you stop avoiding the question?”
“No.”
“No?”
“Obviously your hearing’s working.”
“Why not?” Kerass asked laden with disappointment.
“Because you wouldn’t want me, not where I’m going. The reality is I don’t know where I’m going to be next year. I won’t be in Oak Stream much longer, and I’m not even going to college.”
“You and me both. I’m not going to college either.”
“What?” Lyra questioned, her eyes as big as saucers. “No, you have to go. You must. You have a future ahead of you, one that I’ll never have. I just wanted you to have one night with me that you’d always remember. I wanted a memory of us here in this water together to stay with you.”
“What are you hinting at?”
“Nothing…we should go.”
“I’ll stand by you no matter what.”
“I know and that’s exactly the reason why this won’t work.”
Kerass bit his tongue to try to prevent himself from crying.
Jay walked out of the auditorium to head towards the bathroom. Damien was going to drive them home after he relieved himself. As he rounded the corner to the bathroom he saw Gil, the Christian Fellowship president, and another boy locking lips by the lockers. He silently raced back into the auditorium. He didn’t want to face them. Jay could hold it.
Sunday, July 31, 2016
Sunday, July 24, 2016
Fallen Leaves - Chapter 37: Change My Mind
Cadence’s heartbeat slowed as she took a deep breath. Sure, she had been a part of color guard all year. She should be considered one of the family, but she didn’t feel that way. Having only joined senior year didn’t make her feel all that welcomed or embraced by Mr. Martin. That plus the fact that she didn’t play an instrument made her feel like she had nothing in common with the man. He seemed to have shepherded Jay, at least from the way Jay had talked about him. He seemed like a great guy, a wonderful teacher. Cadence was convinced she was seeing him at his worst: during marching band practice. That sense of peace and calm didn’t seem to be around him while he was spitting from yelling so hard at the band. Clearly the man was frustrated beyond belief and it appeared to be his least favorite part of the job, but Cadence couldn’t get around the fact that she didn’t feel all that comfortable around him. Yet after what had happened she had a lot of time to think over what was really important. It had to start again. Not only did she need it, but she was convinced her friends did too.
With immense timidity, she knocked on his office door.
“Come in!” Mr. Martin called out after her.
“Hi,” Cadence uttered shyly.
“Cadence, have a seat,” he replied jovially. “I wasn’t expecting to see you here. What’s on your mind?”
“I had a favor to ask.”
“Um, ok,” he replied befuddled.
“You know with what happened it’s got the whole school talking like nobody’s talked before.”
“I know,” he nodded. “It’s a beautiful thing seeing such honesty, such vulnerability. I truly believe it helps everyone.”
“That’s the key,” Cadence began. She further explained that all she wanted to do was to help others. “Three years ago, when I was just a freshman, I tried to get a peer support group going.”
“I remember hearing about that. It sounded like a wonderful group.”
“Well it would’ve been had anyone shown up.” She daren’t admit to him that only Kerass had shown. He probably wasn’t even aware of who Kerass was. “Anyways, I wanted to start it up again, but not have it be a big deal. No huge announcements. Low key. Mainly for me and my friends to process through things. I wanted to ask if you’d be willing to let us use the band room for it and I was hoping you’d be willing to facilitate it.”
“I am honored that you thought of me for this. Give me some time to think. Wait until after next week’s final competition. Would you do that for me?” he asked with sincerity.
“Sure thing.”
Walking away from that conversation Cadence felt hope for the first time since she could remember. She wondered whether she should mention what she did to Jay. It could be awkward if Mr. Martin ultimately said no. She didn’t want to be held responsible for destroying any positive views Jay had of him. Kerass, she knew he’d be on board, he always had been. He probably still needed it. The reality was, they needed each other, but they had desired each other in all the wrong ways. They could be such a great support system for each other. If only all their romantic feelings hadn’t gotten in the way creating a junkyard with all their baggage surrounding them. Lyra would probably join but not utter a word and Gus, well they needed each other, but she couldn’t view him as a friend. She still wanted him. She still loved him and that was something he no longer needed. It pained her to admit that he might be moving beyond her already.
“Here’s to Jay for his big final performance during his high school career. To celebrate before the curtain rises tonight, we drink,” Gil said taking a shot of tequila.
Jay took the shot too, immediately coughing afterwards. Gil certainly had a different way of handling the Christian Fellowship than Jeremy did. He was happy to drink with the boys but it felt odd. There was something inherently wrong about this. Jay wasn’t one to drink either. His first time drinking alcohol was this moment and it happened to be tequila. He started to feel light headed and he felt like his tongue was on fire but after a few minutes he felt much more relaxed.
“Where’s Jeremy?” Jay asked.
“Oh, he, he’s quite mad at me,” Gil replied.
“Why’s that?”
“He doesn’t believe we should be drinking because we’re underage.”
“The man’s got a point,” Jay admitted.
“But you’re liking your party, right?”
“Yeah, Jeremy never threw a party for me like this.”
“Well, he and I disagree on quite a few things.”
“Like what?” Jay asked. He continued saying it was obvious they interpreted Christianity differently.
“Yeah, we do. I’m much more open-minded than he is.”
“In what ways?”
“I’d love to see you dating another guy because I know that’s what’s best for you.”
Jay was taken aback. He was so touched. It was something he had only heard from Damien before. Jeremy cared about him, he knew that, but he didn’t support him in the way Jay felt he should be supported.
“Sometimes I still get a little depressed about it,” Jay glumly admitted.
“Why? It’s who you are and I’m never going to ask you to change that.”
No true Christian, or who he had viewed to be a real Christian, had ever told him that. Cadence had always been supportive ever since he had come out to her during that football game freshmen year. Obviously Damien was supportive, otherwise they’d never have dated each other, but once they had committed to each other in that way, Damien greatly distanced himself from religion in general. It was obvious for Jay to see, but it took much longer for Damien to realize how much that had changed. Jay knew Jeremy wasn’t supportive of that, nor Kerass, but they both cared for him deeply in a way he hadn’t been cared for before. Gil, who he was just now getting to know near the end of senior year, there was something odd about him. He was saying all the right things and Jay was hearing everything he wanted to hear, but it was odd that they were breaking the law so nonchalantly and at a student only gathering of the Christian Fellowship.
“You stoked about the performance tonight?” Gil prodded.
“A little nervous. I want to do a good job. Love the girl well.”
“You’re the romantic lead?” Gil asked befuddled.
“Yeah, so?”
Gil was in tears he was laughing so hard. Jay didn’t see anything funny about that and the audience bought him as a romantic lead the previous two nights. He didn’t think it was that big of a deal.
“I’m sorry, I just don’t buy it. You’re so obviously gay. I knew it the first second I met you and I love you for you, but you loving the girl well on stage, that’s just not gonna happen. Don’t worry, I’ll try to keep my laughter to a minimum.”
Oh yeah, Gil could definitely be an asshole. But he did have an interesting notion. Was it obvious within seconds that he was gay? He believed firmly that it was natural, yet it still bothered him that people could tell instantaneously. There was no explanation why he felt that way other than he had low self-esteem, but again Gil came across like he knew him better than Jeremy did because he supported him in this. Gil barely knew him at all. How could he be so confident that just because he was right in guessing his sexuality he knew who he was? Next thing he knew Gil’d be messing with his dating life or lack thereof.
“What are your plans for prom?” Gil asked composing himself.
“Going stag, just with friends.”
“I’m gonna challenge you out of love, ok? I really think you should ask a guy to go to prom with you. You’ve been out since freshmen year. If anyone has a problem with it by now then it’s on them.”
Jay took a moment to think about it. Gil had a point. It was senior year, prom would never happen again. He should ask someone out, someone he trusted, but that list was so short and the list of gay people he knew was even shorter.
“Where’s my phone?” Jay asked.
“It’s over on the counter, I’ll grab it for you,” Gil replied patting him on the back.
“Can I get a ride?” Jay asked as Gil handed the phone back to him.
“You don’t trust yourself driving, do you?”
“Not after what happened to Jeremy, plus the fact that I don’t know how. That helps matters.”
“I’ll do it. Sure thing.”
“I’d rather someone else drive me.”
“You don’t trust me behind the wheel either.”
“Not with a shot of tequila in you.”
“Fair enough. I’ll find someone for you. It’ll just take a sec, but first, seeing as you won’t be the one driving, why not take an extra shot for the road?” Gil challenged holding the shot glass in front of Jay’s face.
Jay stared at it. What could it hurt? He grabbed it from him and downed it. The stuff tasted better already.
“So you did apply to colleges?” Gus asked. “That’s great, I’m really happy for you.”
“Yeah, I applied to three schools. Just waiting to hear back now,” Kerass replied, finding himself cracking a smile for the first time in months.
“Good for you.”
“What about you?” Kerass asked. He continued asking whether Gus had completed his applications yet.
“Yeah, I got them done ages ago.”
“Before we step into the performance, can I be honest with you?”
“Always.”
“My dad reached out to me after the bomb threat. Mr. Baganz called him to let him know about it.”
“Well, did you talk with him?”
“I did. I let him know which schools I was looking into, but we didn’t talk about anything else, not even about school that day. I guess he just figured it’d be best unsaid.”
“I’m proud of you for saying that much.”
“I’ve got one other thing to share and it’s even more serious,” Kerass exhaled nervous to let the secret out again.
“I’m waiting,” Gus replied raising his eyebrows.
“I’m a cutter,” Kerass whispered.
“Do you have any blades on you?”
Kerass shook his head.
“Good, and if I find out you’re lying to me I’ll confiscate them and then personally whoop your ass.”
“Hey,” Kerass paused, not even able to maintain eye contact. “I’m glad we’re friends.”
“And who said you weren’t a sentimental mess?” Gus chided. “I’m glad we are too,” he tacked on sincerely.
Lyra passed by them brusquely walking to the auditorium.
“I’m sorry, I need to grab her,” Kerass said running to catch up to her.
“You like her, don’t you?” Gus called out after him.
“I just want to ask her to prom as friends,” Kerass said and he believed it. The thought of dating Lyra was too bizarre to comprehend. She’d definitely be a different dating experience than Cadence or Julia.
“No, no you don’t. I recognize that look, that piercing look of longing. I had that when I first started pursuing Cadence. Why are you lying to yourself? I mean it’s obvious you care for her…deeply.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Kerass said agitated, walking away from him.
“Go ahead, walk away from me. She’ll say no.”
“Lyra!” Kerass called out grabbing her attention right before she opened the door.
“Kerass,” Lyra beamed back telling him it was good to see him. “I’ve been meaning to reach out to you after that whole debacle, but time and energy seemed to escape me.”
“Would you go to prom with me? You know, just as friends?” Kerass blurted out.
“No, I’m not exactly a prom type of girl. I never was.”
“You can’t just say no!”
“Change my mind,” Lyra challenged.
“If you don’t want to go to prom, can I at least spend that time with you?” he asked longingly.
“You’re willing to ditch your senior prom just to spend time with me, as friends?” Lyra replied unbelieving.
“You know I am.”
Lyra sighed, scratching behind her left ear. “Are you finally ready to complete that hike? Go all the way to the top?”
“I can do that.”
“Stop by my place at 5:30.”
“You’ve got it.”
Gus patted him on the back. “I’m stunned. She said yes, it’s obvious by that giddy look on your face. How did you manage that?”
“We’re not going to prom, we’re hiking.”
“That’s just plain sexy.”
“Shut up!” Kerass scolded feeling his face turn beet red.
Jay waited backstage waiting for the curtain to open. He wasn’t in the first scene so he had a bit of a moment to breathe before he stepped on. He knew he wasn’t himself. His head was throbbing. This was a hangover. He just knew this performance would be terrible. His phone vibrated. It was a great reminder that he needed to turn it off. Quickly glancing at it while he shut the phone down he noticed that Damien had texted him. It simply read: Yes, I’d be honored.
Peeking out at the crowd he saw Gil mouth the words ‘you’re welcome’ to him. What had he asked him?
With immense timidity, she knocked on his office door.
“Come in!” Mr. Martin called out after her.
“Hi,” Cadence uttered shyly.
“Cadence, have a seat,” he replied jovially. “I wasn’t expecting to see you here. What’s on your mind?”
“I had a favor to ask.”
“Um, ok,” he replied befuddled.
“You know with what happened it’s got the whole school talking like nobody’s talked before.”
“I know,” he nodded. “It’s a beautiful thing seeing such honesty, such vulnerability. I truly believe it helps everyone.”
“That’s the key,” Cadence began. She further explained that all she wanted to do was to help others. “Three years ago, when I was just a freshman, I tried to get a peer support group going.”
“I remember hearing about that. It sounded like a wonderful group.”
“Well it would’ve been had anyone shown up.” She daren’t admit to him that only Kerass had shown. He probably wasn’t even aware of who Kerass was. “Anyways, I wanted to start it up again, but not have it be a big deal. No huge announcements. Low key. Mainly for me and my friends to process through things. I wanted to ask if you’d be willing to let us use the band room for it and I was hoping you’d be willing to facilitate it.”
“I am honored that you thought of me for this. Give me some time to think. Wait until after next week’s final competition. Would you do that for me?” he asked with sincerity.
“Sure thing.”
Walking away from that conversation Cadence felt hope for the first time since she could remember. She wondered whether she should mention what she did to Jay. It could be awkward if Mr. Martin ultimately said no. She didn’t want to be held responsible for destroying any positive views Jay had of him. Kerass, she knew he’d be on board, he always had been. He probably still needed it. The reality was, they needed each other, but they had desired each other in all the wrong ways. They could be such a great support system for each other. If only all their romantic feelings hadn’t gotten in the way creating a junkyard with all their baggage surrounding them. Lyra would probably join but not utter a word and Gus, well they needed each other, but she couldn’t view him as a friend. She still wanted him. She still loved him and that was something he no longer needed. It pained her to admit that he might be moving beyond her already.
“Here’s to Jay for his big final performance during his high school career. To celebrate before the curtain rises tonight, we drink,” Gil said taking a shot of tequila.
Jay took the shot too, immediately coughing afterwards. Gil certainly had a different way of handling the Christian Fellowship than Jeremy did. He was happy to drink with the boys but it felt odd. There was something inherently wrong about this. Jay wasn’t one to drink either. His first time drinking alcohol was this moment and it happened to be tequila. He started to feel light headed and he felt like his tongue was on fire but after a few minutes he felt much more relaxed.
“Where’s Jeremy?” Jay asked.
“Oh, he, he’s quite mad at me,” Gil replied.
“Why’s that?”
“He doesn’t believe we should be drinking because we’re underage.”
“The man’s got a point,” Jay admitted.
“But you’re liking your party, right?”
“Yeah, Jeremy never threw a party for me like this.”
“Well, he and I disagree on quite a few things.”
“Like what?” Jay asked. He continued saying it was obvious they interpreted Christianity differently.
“Yeah, we do. I’m much more open-minded than he is.”
“In what ways?”
“I’d love to see you dating another guy because I know that’s what’s best for you.”
Jay was taken aback. He was so touched. It was something he had only heard from Damien before. Jeremy cared about him, he knew that, but he didn’t support him in the way Jay felt he should be supported.
“Sometimes I still get a little depressed about it,” Jay glumly admitted.
“Why? It’s who you are and I’m never going to ask you to change that.”
No true Christian, or who he had viewed to be a real Christian, had ever told him that. Cadence had always been supportive ever since he had come out to her during that football game freshmen year. Obviously Damien was supportive, otherwise they’d never have dated each other, but once they had committed to each other in that way, Damien greatly distanced himself from religion in general. It was obvious for Jay to see, but it took much longer for Damien to realize how much that had changed. Jay knew Jeremy wasn’t supportive of that, nor Kerass, but they both cared for him deeply in a way he hadn’t been cared for before. Gil, who he was just now getting to know near the end of senior year, there was something odd about him. He was saying all the right things and Jay was hearing everything he wanted to hear, but it was odd that they were breaking the law so nonchalantly and at a student only gathering of the Christian Fellowship.
“You stoked about the performance tonight?” Gil prodded.
“A little nervous. I want to do a good job. Love the girl well.”
“You’re the romantic lead?” Gil asked befuddled.
“Yeah, so?”
Gil was in tears he was laughing so hard. Jay didn’t see anything funny about that and the audience bought him as a romantic lead the previous two nights. He didn’t think it was that big of a deal.
“I’m sorry, I just don’t buy it. You’re so obviously gay. I knew it the first second I met you and I love you for you, but you loving the girl well on stage, that’s just not gonna happen. Don’t worry, I’ll try to keep my laughter to a minimum.”
Oh yeah, Gil could definitely be an asshole. But he did have an interesting notion. Was it obvious within seconds that he was gay? He believed firmly that it was natural, yet it still bothered him that people could tell instantaneously. There was no explanation why he felt that way other than he had low self-esteem, but again Gil came across like he knew him better than Jeremy did because he supported him in this. Gil barely knew him at all. How could he be so confident that just because he was right in guessing his sexuality he knew who he was? Next thing he knew Gil’d be messing with his dating life or lack thereof.
“What are your plans for prom?” Gil asked composing himself.
“Going stag, just with friends.”
“I’m gonna challenge you out of love, ok? I really think you should ask a guy to go to prom with you. You’ve been out since freshmen year. If anyone has a problem with it by now then it’s on them.”
Jay took a moment to think about it. Gil had a point. It was senior year, prom would never happen again. He should ask someone out, someone he trusted, but that list was so short and the list of gay people he knew was even shorter.
“Where’s my phone?” Jay asked.
“It’s over on the counter, I’ll grab it for you,” Gil replied patting him on the back.
“Can I get a ride?” Jay asked as Gil handed the phone back to him.
“You don’t trust yourself driving, do you?”
“Not after what happened to Jeremy, plus the fact that I don’t know how. That helps matters.”
“I’ll do it. Sure thing.”
“I’d rather someone else drive me.”
“You don’t trust me behind the wheel either.”
“Not with a shot of tequila in you.”
“Fair enough. I’ll find someone for you. It’ll just take a sec, but first, seeing as you won’t be the one driving, why not take an extra shot for the road?” Gil challenged holding the shot glass in front of Jay’s face.
Jay stared at it. What could it hurt? He grabbed it from him and downed it. The stuff tasted better already.
“So you did apply to colleges?” Gus asked. “That’s great, I’m really happy for you.”
“Yeah, I applied to three schools. Just waiting to hear back now,” Kerass replied, finding himself cracking a smile for the first time in months.
“Good for you.”
“What about you?” Kerass asked. He continued asking whether Gus had completed his applications yet.
“Yeah, I got them done ages ago.”
“Before we step into the performance, can I be honest with you?”
“Always.”
“My dad reached out to me after the bomb threat. Mr. Baganz called him to let him know about it.”
“Well, did you talk with him?”
“I did. I let him know which schools I was looking into, but we didn’t talk about anything else, not even about school that day. I guess he just figured it’d be best unsaid.”
“I’m proud of you for saying that much.”
“I’ve got one other thing to share and it’s even more serious,” Kerass exhaled nervous to let the secret out again.
“I’m waiting,” Gus replied raising his eyebrows.
“I’m a cutter,” Kerass whispered.
“Do you have any blades on you?”
Kerass shook his head.
“Good, and if I find out you’re lying to me I’ll confiscate them and then personally whoop your ass.”
“Hey,” Kerass paused, not even able to maintain eye contact. “I’m glad we’re friends.”
“And who said you weren’t a sentimental mess?” Gus chided. “I’m glad we are too,” he tacked on sincerely.
Lyra passed by them brusquely walking to the auditorium.
“I’m sorry, I need to grab her,” Kerass said running to catch up to her.
“You like her, don’t you?” Gus called out after him.
“I just want to ask her to prom as friends,” Kerass said and he believed it. The thought of dating Lyra was too bizarre to comprehend. She’d definitely be a different dating experience than Cadence or Julia.
“No, no you don’t. I recognize that look, that piercing look of longing. I had that when I first started pursuing Cadence. Why are you lying to yourself? I mean it’s obvious you care for her…deeply.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Kerass said agitated, walking away from him.
“Go ahead, walk away from me. She’ll say no.”
“Lyra!” Kerass called out grabbing her attention right before she opened the door.
“Kerass,” Lyra beamed back telling him it was good to see him. “I’ve been meaning to reach out to you after that whole debacle, but time and energy seemed to escape me.”
“Would you go to prom with me? You know, just as friends?” Kerass blurted out.
“No, I’m not exactly a prom type of girl. I never was.”
“You can’t just say no!”
“Change my mind,” Lyra challenged.
“If you don’t want to go to prom, can I at least spend that time with you?” he asked longingly.
“You’re willing to ditch your senior prom just to spend time with me, as friends?” Lyra replied unbelieving.
“You know I am.”
Lyra sighed, scratching behind her left ear. “Are you finally ready to complete that hike? Go all the way to the top?”
“I can do that.”
“Stop by my place at 5:30.”
“You’ve got it.”
Gus patted him on the back. “I’m stunned. She said yes, it’s obvious by that giddy look on your face. How did you manage that?”
“We’re not going to prom, we’re hiking.”
“That’s just plain sexy.”
“Shut up!” Kerass scolded feeling his face turn beet red.
Jay waited backstage waiting for the curtain to open. He wasn’t in the first scene so he had a bit of a moment to breathe before he stepped on. He knew he wasn’t himself. His head was throbbing. This was a hangover. He just knew this performance would be terrible. His phone vibrated. It was a great reminder that he needed to turn it off. Quickly glancing at it while he shut the phone down he noticed that Damien had texted him. It simply read: Yes, I’d be honored.
Peeking out at the crowd he saw Gil mouth the words ‘you’re welcome’ to him. What had he asked him?
Sunday, July 17, 2016
Fallen Leaves - Chapter 36: Infinity
Lying in bed, Jay stared at the ceiling breathing deeply. He tried to control his breaths letting them be as rhythmic as possible. His thoughts were racing. He needed to journal. The reality of moving off the bed was too difficult in the moment, but his thoughts were already speeding by him. Perhaps it was best if none of this were written down on paper.
Jeremy. Poor, poor Jeremy. Jay couldn’t think of a single way to help him. Sitting with him had at least gotten Jay inside that house and amazingly enough Jeremy had continued to attend school even though all he had gotten was scrutiny. Jeremy was becoming more and more of a recluse every day. He allowed Jay to walk alongside him, just to be with him, but nothing beyond that. They weren’t even able to talk to each other in the hallways. Being around him was something he wanted to do, to be there for his friend, but it weighed down on him like nothing else had before. Jeremy was completely depressing to be around.
How could he help Jeremy if he didn’t even enjoy being around him? Jeremy wasn’t fun anymore. He had been stubborn and that stubbornness had finally bitten him in the ass. Jay felt terrible for even giving it a thought, but there was a part of him that felt like he had deserved it. He had warned Jeremy repeatedly what would’ve happened. That satisfactory feeling of being right was only fleeting though.
Marching band, the play, Cadence, Kerass, none of it seemed to matter anymore. The fickleness of high school friendships had taken him for a loop. There were moments when he thought he and Kerass were strong enough to survive it, but he wasn’t so sure anymore. Considering they hadn’t talked in months, he wasn’t fully convinced they would survive senior year. Jeremy though, they were strong enough, but considering what happened, he knew he wasn’t a good enough friend, a strong enough friend to help him through this. Nothing he did seemed to make any dent at all and the further into the year they got, the glummer he became.
The only thing he could do was stand beside him and even that was becoming harder to do. He didn’t know how long he could last. What kind of a friend was he if he couldn’t stand by his friend during this rough time? But Jeremy wasn’t getting any better and it didn’t seem like he had any strength left, any desire to get better, so there they waited, forever stagnant.
Before he knew it, before he had written a single word in his journal, it was time to go to the bus. Understandably Jeremy had been confined to the bus. Jay didn’t pay any attention to what his father was saying and his verbal response was on autopilot. Jeremy was already at the bus stop by the time Jay arrived. They looked at each other, both of them knowing that they couldn’t say anything to each other, but at least Jay believed that they needed each other.
The Christian Fellowship had attempted to help the situation, but to no avail. From the looks of it Jeremy was going further and further away from Christianity. Jay thought he would be fine with that decision, but oddly enough he wasn’t. He firmly believed there were multiple paths to paradise, but Christianity seemed to just fit Jeremy so beautifully. Christianity clicked with Jeremy in a way that it never clicked with Damien.
Jay wasn’t even aware that he had already stepped onto the bus and was sitting beside Jeremy. Both of them were completely tuned out to the world surrounding them. Jeremy was facing the biggest dilemma in his life, one that Jay had no answers in how to solve. When you knew you had wronged someone, how could you ever forgive yourself?
Cadence stood in the school’s parking lot afraid to step into the building. Gus hadn’t spoken to her. No communication between them had occurred in several days. For all intents and purposes, their relationship was over. This was the hardest thing for her to accept. There was no build up to the break up, it just happened. They hadn’t even talked it through, but deep down, she could no longer deny it.
All she had wanted to do was to help others in high school. She knew she desperately wanted others to love her enough to want to help her, but she knew how unlikely that would be. People didn’t have the time or the desire to do so. Everyone was focused on their own dilemmas that her own, the breakup of a serious relationship, seemed superfluous in comparison.
Inside she knew she was scared. She wanted help and the most viable option was the Christian Fellowship. Despite her own precautions, she enjoyed the meeting much more than she wanted to admit. They’re unjudgmental love and compassion towards Jeremy shocked her. She had never seen such unconditional love before in her life. Everything in her wanted to experience love like that, even though it didn’t seem to help Jeremy at all.
She didn’t believe in Christianity or it’s teachings of total devotion at all, but she couldn’t deny the appeal of that community, one that she desperately needed. Yet she couldn’t force herself to go back. To her very core, she knew that she would never convert to that cult. Forget all the love and affection they gave her. She could never fully commit her life to a single ideology.
People breezed past her as she remained still, unmoving, simply staring at the school. She knew she wouldn’t be able to learn today. There was no question about that. She wasn’t even convinced she’d be able to take notes. There was just something so deeply depressing about walking into the school building this day of all days. She knew she’d see him there and she knew they wouldn’t say anything to each other. There wasn’t enough drive within her to walk over to him and say something. All she wanted to do was just disappear, but that was impossible with so many people walking around her.
She hadn’t felt at home at Our Savior. She hadn’t felt at home at Oak Stream. She hadn’t felt at home anywhere. The nature of the beast that was high school weighed down on her like an anchor plummeting to the bottom of the sea. The grand finale, graduation, couldn’t come quick enough. There was something about even beginning the school day that was tough for her. It shouldn’t even matter. It was a day like every other. It would come, it would go, and before she knew it her relationship with Gus would be a distant memory. She had to keep reminding herself that this glum, sour mood she was in wouldn’t last forever, even though in the moment it sure felt like it would.
Forcing herself to move, she exhaled attempting to let go of all the negative energy, the depressing thoughts surrounding her. It didn’t work, not even a little bit. She felt foolish for even trying, but what could she do? The day was about to begin. Before she knew it the warning bell would ring. She had wasted so much time just standing in the school’s parking lot that it even surprised her that she might be late to the first class of the day. No, she wasn’t herself. She wasn’t herself at all.
Kerass stared at nothing. He got lost sitting at his desk during study hall. Everything was changing for him. Hiding was no longer an option. Bryce knew. Bryce knew it all. In a wave of desperation after Bryce called him out on cutting himself, Kerass revealed all. It was cathartic, therapeutic, and engrossing all at once. The instant he opened his mouth to speak, he couldn’t stop. All of his built-up anger towards his father, his lack of friends, his inability to talk about what really happened with his mother’s death, everything came out in a ranting monologue. Bryce said nothing at first. He simply walked over and hugged Kerass. Kerass tried his hardest to not crumble into tears, but before he knew it the faucet turned on. As strong as he liked to believe himself to be emotionally, he found himself vulnerable, weak, yet completely accepted and embraced during his pain.
After all the tears he could muster had been shed, Bryce started to speak again. Kerass had been so scared to reach out and ask for help. He wouldn’t have even talked at all had he not been caught, but in a strange way Bryce felt like he wanted to be caught, which was completely false. Bryce strongly implored him to share with others, but he knew he couldn’t. He’d never be able to face Mr. Baganz and say it to his face. He’d never be able to share it with Jay. Jay, who’d been right all along, who’d been the only friend who’d truly paid attention, who was a true friend, no, Kerass couldn’t tell Jay. It was too painful to think about. Kerass didn’t view himself as a very clingy or emotional guy and Jay was both of those things to the utmost extreme. Internally he knew he should. Mr. Baganz, Jay, they’d both accept him and care for him through this pain, but Kerass just couldn’t bring himself to speak without being caught.
He sat in silence not doing any schoolwork, just thinking. He felt his lungs were bursting into flames. The desire to confess to Mr. Baganz was so strong that he felt he had trouble breathing. The guilt he felt over hiding his struggles was so overwhelming that he wanted to rectify that. There was no way he could just walk out of study hall without asking permission and he knew that visiting Mr. Baganz wasn’t a good enough excuse, but he had to find a way out.
Standing up, Kerass requested whether he could go to the bathroom. With permission in place, he walked out of the classroom. The hall was completely empty, not even an administrator was walking around. Knowing he had lied, Kerass headed with confidence to the history hallway hoping that Mr. Baganz didn’t have a class that morning.
Jay and Jeremy happened to be talking in the hallway. Kerass bewildered wondered what they were doing outside of class. It dawned on him that they all had study hall that morning.
“Wait,” Kerass paused. “Why isn’t there anyone navigating the hallway?”
“I’m sure it’s nothing,” Jay replied.
“No, it’s too quiet,” Kerass said.
“Something’s wrong,” Jeremy agreed.
The speakers blared. The fire alarm shrieked. The loudspeakers said: “This is not a fire drill. Stay in your classrooms. The school is on lockdown.”
They all burst into Mr. Baganz’s classroom. Mr. Baganz quickly shut the door, turned off the lights and attempted to console them as they all hid underneath the desks on the floor.
“What’s going on?” Kerass demanded.
Mr. Baganz clearly hesitated, but spoke anyway after a moment’s pause. “Someone called into the school claiming there was a bomb in the cafeteria. They just emailed us about it to let any students we recognize in the hallways enter our classrooms without question. The school’s on lockdown because of a bomb threat.”
Cadence, Lyra and Gus sat in the auditorium unsupervised. They all stared at each other trying to understand what was happening. Nothing made any sense.
“Should we hide?” Gus asked.
“Yes,” Cadence whispered in reply.
“Let’s go backstage,” Lyra suggested.
As they rushed backstage, Lyra’s phone buzzed.
“Turn that off!” Cadence whispered concernedly.
“No, wait,” Lyra replied. “It’s from Kerass. It’s a bomb threat. That’s why we’re all hiding.”
“Tell me you’re joking,” Gus closed his eyed.
“You think this is a joke?” Lyra snapped back.
“I just, I can’t,” Gus stammered. “I can’t even, I don’t know what to say.”
“That makes all of us,” Lyra replied. “Well, let’s keep quiet until we hear something.”
“Agreed,” Gus tacked on.
They hid in silence for over an hour. Not a noise was made. Even the sound of their breaths seemed muted.
“I can’t sit in silence any longer,” Lyra murmured shattering the glass wall of silence encapsulating them.
“How long have we been waiting?” Cadence questioned.
“It feels like infinity,” Lyra replied.
“I wish I had ditched,” Cadence added forlornly.
“Let’s talk about something.”
“About what?” Gus asked.
“Anything.”
“You wouldn’t want to hear it,” Gus said.
“It seems like it’s been forever. Not one authority figure has come to search for us,” Cadence added.
“Of course not,” Gus rolled his eyes. “The school’s on lockdown.”
“I wasn’t suggesting that. Let’s try and focus on something else, please,” Lyra begged.
“How long do they expect us to wait?” Cadence asked, her voice trembling.
“Are you crying?” Gus asked.
“Is it that obvious?”
“Only by the sounds,” Lyra tagged in. “It’s not like we can see each other in the darkness. I’m so tired of living in the darkness.”
“What are you talking about, Lyra?” Gus asked.
“I thought it was clear…” Lyra trailed off. “It’s just…we’re all going to die one day. Every single one of us. We might even make it through the day. I’m tired of hiding, but I still can’t bring myself to speak.”
“Can we change the subject please?” Cadence begged.
“Oh, now you’re ok with changing the subject? That’s just great. Thanks Cadence,” Lyra snarkily replied.
“Shut your trap,” Cadence snapped back.
“What are we hiding?” Gus asked. “What are all of us hiding?”
“I can’t say,” Lyra said glumly. “Only us as individuals can begin to answer that question.”
“Well that cleared things up,” Cadence snidely replied.
“What are you hiding, Cadence?” Lyra questioned.
“I already know that answer,” Gus responded.
“Fine. I’ll share. It’s not like I’ve got anything better to do. It’s time,” Cadence said taking a deep breath. “But first why don’t you tell me what you think happened in London?”
“Sure,” Gus replied. “I’ve got nothing to hide. You were in London to find your father.”
Cadence closed her eyes. “I was afraid you’d say that.”
“Why? Because I’m right?”
“How’d you know?”
“Because I was in London for the same reason.”
“What?” Cadence whispered.
“Don’t worry. Like I said, I’ve got nothing to hide. I’ll share after you share.”
“I, I’m sorry I can’t find the words,” Cadence said trying to catch her breath.
“I admit that I should have waited to share that. That’d put me in a loop too. All right, I’ll start,” Gus began. “It’ll give you a moment to compose yourself. My birth father left my mother before I was even born. She had a childhood friend who helped her along with that. He was there throughout the pregnancy and well into the first year of my life. My grandparents looked down on my mother for having a child out of wedlock. They pretend I don’t exist. The only reason I know they’re still alive is because they call my mother on her birthday.
“I do get some attention on my birthday, but not a whole lot. The childhood friend came by every year. He was committed to get to know me, to be a father figure for me. Well anyways, my mother got sick. She’s better now, but when it first started developing she couldn’t work anymore. That’s why we relocated to Oak Stream sophomore year. I couldn’t care less about a change in scenery. We needed the money. That childhood friend offered me a job at his comic book shop. I knew nothing about comic books before then, but I learned quickly to try and excel at the job. Mr. Baysinger has been the only father figure I’ve ever had.
“That’s when I ended up in London. I had heard rumblings that he might be there. That he might want to actually see me. My mother encouraged me to go so that I didn’t have to spend the summer watching her get so sick. Mr. Baysinger discouraged it. He thought it’d only lead to disappointment. He was right. I found him, my birth father, and he wanted nothing to do with me. First off, he didn’t believe me. Even if I had biological proof, which I don’t, I think he’d still choose not to believe. It sounds so wrong but I’ve even forgotten his name by now. I’m never reaching out to him again. He doesn’t even exist.”
Cadence sighed, “I’m so sorry, Gus.”
“Yeah,” Lyra whispered. “I can’t even imagine.”
“Thanks,” Gus mumbled. “I’m glad you can’t because I don’t want anyone to feel the pain that I feel.”
“I think I’ve got some idea, but it’s manifested itself differently,” Cadence said with great trepidation.
“Please,” Gus paused. “Please share.”
“You’ve wanted to hear this story for so long. I was afraid you’d view me differently afterwards.”
“If that does happen, it won’t be in a negative light. I just desperately want to get to know you better. I’m all ears.”
“I am too,” Lyra added.
“Really?” Cadence asked bewildered.
“I know I called you out earlier this year. I’ve been going through hell. I’m sorry,” Lyra said empathetically.
“I don’t know why, but I believe you. Ok,” Cadence took a deep breath. “See my father actually wanted me. He wanted me desperately. It just happened to be in the most perverted way possible.”
“Oh my god,” Lyra breathed.
“That’s right. See Damien wasn’t my first time. Even though I’ve claimed him to be even to myself. The only reason I’ve claimed that to be the night I lost my virginity is because it was finally my choice to do so. It started when I was 11. Dad apologized every time afterwards, promised me he’d never do it again, that he loved me. He didn’t even have the courtesy to be gentle. At least Damien had been. Dad couldn’t stop. He kept doing it. I was too ashamed to mention it to anyone, not even to my mother. He always came up with some excuse. I got banged up at soccer practice or something lame like that.
“My mother finally called the school and discovered I was never on the team. She confronted my father, but he never admitted to it. He never will. Shortly after he ran away and my mother never looked for him. When I ended up in high school at Our Savior, Damien for the first time ever made me feel safe in the arms of a man. Not only did the school expel me for committing myself to him, they made me feel like a slut. How could it be wrong when he treated me so lovingly, so gently?
“I searched for my father all year. I finally found him. He had relocated to London. Our Savior was going on a school trip and well, Mom didn’t know my real reason for going. I found him. I confronted him. I just wanted to ask him why. He locked his office door and forced himself on me one last time. It was his way of saying goodbye. He never talked to me again.”
“Cadence,” Lyra exhaled.
“I don’t know shit,” Gus admitted. “I thought our stories were one and the same. I’m sorry I ever pressured you to tell me, but believe me I’m honored that you did.”
“I know,” Cadence found herself starting to cry. “I don’t think I can handle this without you, Gus.”
“You won’t have to.”
“I thought we were breaking up.”
“Let me clarify,” Gus sharply inhaled. “You’re right. I think it’s a bad idea for us right now at this moment to continue dating. We both need to work through so many things and I don’t think we know how to help each other, but I can say with certainty I’ve never needed your friendship more than I’ve needed it right now.”
“I don’t know if I can do that.”
“It’s up to you,” Gus added gingerly. “What about you, Lyra?”
“What about me?” Lyra replied floored.
“You said you were going through hell. Why don’t you tell us what hell looks like?”
“I can’t,” Lyra stated stoically.
The conversation ended abruptly. Nobody said another word to each other and unlike what Cadence had thought would happen, she didn’t feel any closer to Gus or Lyra. She didn’t feel any better either. She had never felt more alone.
“Is it mandatory to sit in silence?” Kerass asked.
“We don’t have to,” Mr. Baganz chimed in.
“Why? Is there something you want to talk about, Kerass?” Jay inquired.
“Well, actually there was, but I don’t want to talk first.”
“I’ll go,” Jeremy said. “I’ve had a lot to think about over the past several hours. I don’t want to live another day where I can’t forgive myself.”
“How do you figure?” Mr. Baganz asked.
“The owners of the dog I accidentally ran over, they go to our church. They’ve forgiven me, no questions asked. Everyone at church has forgiven me. People at school haven’t, but I was glad they didn’t. I felt I deserved punishment.”
“And what do you think now?” Mr. Baganz prodded.
“I don’t deserve forgiveness at all, but I’ve got it. If they can forgive me without question, well I can forgive myself too.”
“Come off it, man,” Kerass scolded. “It is not that simple.”
“I never said it was, but I want to live differently than I have been. I want things to change. I can’t afford another day of me just punishing myself.”
“I don’t think I could ever forgive myself for something like that,” Kerass added sadly.
“Then I don’t think you understand the Gospel,” Jeremy replied with confidence.
“No, I understand it, I just don’t want to live under it. I’m not sure I ever did,” Kerass sighed running his hand over his buzzed head. “I’m a cutter,” he allowed the words to escape his lips.
“Why, Kerass?” Mr. Baganz asked with utmost sympathy. “Don’t you realize how much people love you?”
“They don’t love me. My father definitely doesn’t,” Kerass murmured.
“Why are you admitting this now?” Jay asked.
“Well, I got caught yesterday. It’s forced me to talk about something that I just wanted to pretend didn’t exist. To be perfectly honest, I didn’t feel comfortable talking about it with anyone, not even you. I was going to say it sooner, but after all that’s happened today, it no longer seemed important to mention.”
“Oh, it is definitely important to talk about this out loud. I’m so proud of you for finally opening up, for sharing,” Mr. Baganz said, leaning over and hugging Kerass.
“You seem awfully quiet, Jeremy,” Jay noticed after he hugged Kerass as well.
“I was a cutter too,” Jeremy exhaled. “I couldn’t face those feelings again. I’m sorry that I failed you as a friend, Kerass. I knew and I didn’t say anything. I don’t know what else to tell you.”
“Don’t beat yourself up over it. I wouldn’t have listened to you anyways.”
“Kerass,” Mr. Baganz stated. “Does your father know about your problem?”
“No, and he never will.”
“I’m not going to tell you that you need to tell him, but you must be talking to someone about this,” Mr. Baganz challenged.
“Can I talk to you about it?”
“Absolutely.”
“I wish I could be more like Jeremy.”
“Why? I’m a train wreck,” Jeremy responded.
“Because you’re past it.”
“I am now, but I didn’t stop until this summer and that was after I had noticed it with you. It became much less frequent over time and talking it out, letting my frustrations out with the Christian Fellowship really helped me. It’s so important to have peer support.”
“I imagine so,” Kerass said. “It’s not just that though. I wish I could forgive myself for my wrongs. I wish I could forgive others, but I can’t. I’m not ready to forgive my father for what he did.”
“What did he do?” Jeremy asked trepidatiously.
“He pulled my mother’s plug, ending her life.”
“Oh no,” Jay whispered tearfully.
“I never knew,” Mr. Baganz said, his eyes welling with tears, “I hope you believe that.”
“I do,” Kerass nodded. “No, I don’t think I’ll ever to be able to forgive my father because I don’t want to.”
The loudspeakers went off again. The school’s lockdown was lifted. The culprit was revealed during the announcement to be a freshman who had called into the school stating a bomb was in the cafeteria. The freshman had been afraid of taking an exam that day. No bomb actually existed.
“Are you freaking kidding me?” Jeremy retorted.
“Stupid freshman,” Kerass said standing up, walking out of Mr. Baganz’s classroom. He knew he should stay behind and talk some more, but he couldn’t bring himself to do so.
“Kerass!” Mr. Baganz called out after him.
“What?” he turned around.
“Please wait. I have a confession to make.”
“I’m waiting.”
“And you’re not going to like what I have to say.”
Jeremy. Poor, poor Jeremy. Jay couldn’t think of a single way to help him. Sitting with him had at least gotten Jay inside that house and amazingly enough Jeremy had continued to attend school even though all he had gotten was scrutiny. Jeremy was becoming more and more of a recluse every day. He allowed Jay to walk alongside him, just to be with him, but nothing beyond that. They weren’t even able to talk to each other in the hallways. Being around him was something he wanted to do, to be there for his friend, but it weighed down on him like nothing else had before. Jeremy was completely depressing to be around.
How could he help Jeremy if he didn’t even enjoy being around him? Jeremy wasn’t fun anymore. He had been stubborn and that stubbornness had finally bitten him in the ass. Jay felt terrible for even giving it a thought, but there was a part of him that felt like he had deserved it. He had warned Jeremy repeatedly what would’ve happened. That satisfactory feeling of being right was only fleeting though.
Marching band, the play, Cadence, Kerass, none of it seemed to matter anymore. The fickleness of high school friendships had taken him for a loop. There were moments when he thought he and Kerass were strong enough to survive it, but he wasn’t so sure anymore. Considering they hadn’t talked in months, he wasn’t fully convinced they would survive senior year. Jeremy though, they were strong enough, but considering what happened, he knew he wasn’t a good enough friend, a strong enough friend to help him through this. Nothing he did seemed to make any dent at all and the further into the year they got, the glummer he became.
The only thing he could do was stand beside him and even that was becoming harder to do. He didn’t know how long he could last. What kind of a friend was he if he couldn’t stand by his friend during this rough time? But Jeremy wasn’t getting any better and it didn’t seem like he had any strength left, any desire to get better, so there they waited, forever stagnant.
Before he knew it, before he had written a single word in his journal, it was time to go to the bus. Understandably Jeremy had been confined to the bus. Jay didn’t pay any attention to what his father was saying and his verbal response was on autopilot. Jeremy was already at the bus stop by the time Jay arrived. They looked at each other, both of them knowing that they couldn’t say anything to each other, but at least Jay believed that they needed each other.
The Christian Fellowship had attempted to help the situation, but to no avail. From the looks of it Jeremy was going further and further away from Christianity. Jay thought he would be fine with that decision, but oddly enough he wasn’t. He firmly believed there were multiple paths to paradise, but Christianity seemed to just fit Jeremy so beautifully. Christianity clicked with Jeremy in a way that it never clicked with Damien.
Jay wasn’t even aware that he had already stepped onto the bus and was sitting beside Jeremy. Both of them were completely tuned out to the world surrounding them. Jeremy was facing the biggest dilemma in his life, one that Jay had no answers in how to solve. When you knew you had wronged someone, how could you ever forgive yourself?
Cadence stood in the school’s parking lot afraid to step into the building. Gus hadn’t spoken to her. No communication between them had occurred in several days. For all intents and purposes, their relationship was over. This was the hardest thing for her to accept. There was no build up to the break up, it just happened. They hadn’t even talked it through, but deep down, she could no longer deny it.
All she had wanted to do was to help others in high school. She knew she desperately wanted others to love her enough to want to help her, but she knew how unlikely that would be. People didn’t have the time or the desire to do so. Everyone was focused on their own dilemmas that her own, the breakup of a serious relationship, seemed superfluous in comparison.
Inside she knew she was scared. She wanted help and the most viable option was the Christian Fellowship. Despite her own precautions, she enjoyed the meeting much more than she wanted to admit. They’re unjudgmental love and compassion towards Jeremy shocked her. She had never seen such unconditional love before in her life. Everything in her wanted to experience love like that, even though it didn’t seem to help Jeremy at all.
She didn’t believe in Christianity or it’s teachings of total devotion at all, but she couldn’t deny the appeal of that community, one that she desperately needed. Yet she couldn’t force herself to go back. To her very core, she knew that she would never convert to that cult. Forget all the love and affection they gave her. She could never fully commit her life to a single ideology.
People breezed past her as she remained still, unmoving, simply staring at the school. She knew she wouldn’t be able to learn today. There was no question about that. She wasn’t even convinced she’d be able to take notes. There was just something so deeply depressing about walking into the school building this day of all days. She knew she’d see him there and she knew they wouldn’t say anything to each other. There wasn’t enough drive within her to walk over to him and say something. All she wanted to do was just disappear, but that was impossible with so many people walking around her.
She hadn’t felt at home at Our Savior. She hadn’t felt at home at Oak Stream. She hadn’t felt at home anywhere. The nature of the beast that was high school weighed down on her like an anchor plummeting to the bottom of the sea. The grand finale, graduation, couldn’t come quick enough. There was something about even beginning the school day that was tough for her. It shouldn’t even matter. It was a day like every other. It would come, it would go, and before she knew it her relationship with Gus would be a distant memory. She had to keep reminding herself that this glum, sour mood she was in wouldn’t last forever, even though in the moment it sure felt like it would.
Forcing herself to move, she exhaled attempting to let go of all the negative energy, the depressing thoughts surrounding her. It didn’t work, not even a little bit. She felt foolish for even trying, but what could she do? The day was about to begin. Before she knew it the warning bell would ring. She had wasted so much time just standing in the school’s parking lot that it even surprised her that she might be late to the first class of the day. No, she wasn’t herself. She wasn’t herself at all.
Kerass stared at nothing. He got lost sitting at his desk during study hall. Everything was changing for him. Hiding was no longer an option. Bryce knew. Bryce knew it all. In a wave of desperation after Bryce called him out on cutting himself, Kerass revealed all. It was cathartic, therapeutic, and engrossing all at once. The instant he opened his mouth to speak, he couldn’t stop. All of his built-up anger towards his father, his lack of friends, his inability to talk about what really happened with his mother’s death, everything came out in a ranting monologue. Bryce said nothing at first. He simply walked over and hugged Kerass. Kerass tried his hardest to not crumble into tears, but before he knew it the faucet turned on. As strong as he liked to believe himself to be emotionally, he found himself vulnerable, weak, yet completely accepted and embraced during his pain.
After all the tears he could muster had been shed, Bryce started to speak again. Kerass had been so scared to reach out and ask for help. He wouldn’t have even talked at all had he not been caught, but in a strange way Bryce felt like he wanted to be caught, which was completely false. Bryce strongly implored him to share with others, but he knew he couldn’t. He’d never be able to face Mr. Baganz and say it to his face. He’d never be able to share it with Jay. Jay, who’d been right all along, who’d been the only friend who’d truly paid attention, who was a true friend, no, Kerass couldn’t tell Jay. It was too painful to think about. Kerass didn’t view himself as a very clingy or emotional guy and Jay was both of those things to the utmost extreme. Internally he knew he should. Mr. Baganz, Jay, they’d both accept him and care for him through this pain, but Kerass just couldn’t bring himself to speak without being caught.
He sat in silence not doing any schoolwork, just thinking. He felt his lungs were bursting into flames. The desire to confess to Mr. Baganz was so strong that he felt he had trouble breathing. The guilt he felt over hiding his struggles was so overwhelming that he wanted to rectify that. There was no way he could just walk out of study hall without asking permission and he knew that visiting Mr. Baganz wasn’t a good enough excuse, but he had to find a way out.
Standing up, Kerass requested whether he could go to the bathroom. With permission in place, he walked out of the classroom. The hall was completely empty, not even an administrator was walking around. Knowing he had lied, Kerass headed with confidence to the history hallway hoping that Mr. Baganz didn’t have a class that morning.
Jay and Jeremy happened to be talking in the hallway. Kerass bewildered wondered what they were doing outside of class. It dawned on him that they all had study hall that morning.
“Wait,” Kerass paused. “Why isn’t there anyone navigating the hallway?”
“I’m sure it’s nothing,” Jay replied.
“No, it’s too quiet,” Kerass said.
“Something’s wrong,” Jeremy agreed.
The speakers blared. The fire alarm shrieked. The loudspeakers said: “This is not a fire drill. Stay in your classrooms. The school is on lockdown.”
They all burst into Mr. Baganz’s classroom. Mr. Baganz quickly shut the door, turned off the lights and attempted to console them as they all hid underneath the desks on the floor.
“What’s going on?” Kerass demanded.
Mr. Baganz clearly hesitated, but spoke anyway after a moment’s pause. “Someone called into the school claiming there was a bomb in the cafeteria. They just emailed us about it to let any students we recognize in the hallways enter our classrooms without question. The school’s on lockdown because of a bomb threat.”
Cadence, Lyra and Gus sat in the auditorium unsupervised. They all stared at each other trying to understand what was happening. Nothing made any sense.
“Should we hide?” Gus asked.
“Yes,” Cadence whispered in reply.
“Let’s go backstage,” Lyra suggested.
As they rushed backstage, Lyra’s phone buzzed.
“Turn that off!” Cadence whispered concernedly.
“No, wait,” Lyra replied. “It’s from Kerass. It’s a bomb threat. That’s why we’re all hiding.”
“Tell me you’re joking,” Gus closed his eyed.
“You think this is a joke?” Lyra snapped back.
“I just, I can’t,” Gus stammered. “I can’t even, I don’t know what to say.”
“That makes all of us,” Lyra replied. “Well, let’s keep quiet until we hear something.”
“Agreed,” Gus tacked on.
They hid in silence for over an hour. Not a noise was made. Even the sound of their breaths seemed muted.
“I can’t sit in silence any longer,” Lyra murmured shattering the glass wall of silence encapsulating them.
“How long have we been waiting?” Cadence questioned.
“It feels like infinity,” Lyra replied.
“I wish I had ditched,” Cadence added forlornly.
“Let’s talk about something.”
“About what?” Gus asked.
“Anything.”
“You wouldn’t want to hear it,” Gus said.
“It seems like it’s been forever. Not one authority figure has come to search for us,” Cadence added.
“Of course not,” Gus rolled his eyes. “The school’s on lockdown.”
“I wasn’t suggesting that. Let’s try and focus on something else, please,” Lyra begged.
“How long do they expect us to wait?” Cadence asked, her voice trembling.
“Are you crying?” Gus asked.
“Is it that obvious?”
“Only by the sounds,” Lyra tagged in. “It’s not like we can see each other in the darkness. I’m so tired of living in the darkness.”
“What are you talking about, Lyra?” Gus asked.
“I thought it was clear…” Lyra trailed off. “It’s just…we’re all going to die one day. Every single one of us. We might even make it through the day. I’m tired of hiding, but I still can’t bring myself to speak.”
“Can we change the subject please?” Cadence begged.
“Oh, now you’re ok with changing the subject? That’s just great. Thanks Cadence,” Lyra snarkily replied.
“Shut your trap,” Cadence snapped back.
“What are we hiding?” Gus asked. “What are all of us hiding?”
“I can’t say,” Lyra said glumly. “Only us as individuals can begin to answer that question.”
“Well that cleared things up,” Cadence snidely replied.
“What are you hiding, Cadence?” Lyra questioned.
“I already know that answer,” Gus responded.
“Fine. I’ll share. It’s not like I’ve got anything better to do. It’s time,” Cadence said taking a deep breath. “But first why don’t you tell me what you think happened in London?”
“Sure,” Gus replied. “I’ve got nothing to hide. You were in London to find your father.”
Cadence closed her eyes. “I was afraid you’d say that.”
“Why? Because I’m right?”
“How’d you know?”
“Because I was in London for the same reason.”
“What?” Cadence whispered.
“Don’t worry. Like I said, I’ve got nothing to hide. I’ll share after you share.”
“I, I’m sorry I can’t find the words,” Cadence said trying to catch her breath.
“I admit that I should have waited to share that. That’d put me in a loop too. All right, I’ll start,” Gus began. “It’ll give you a moment to compose yourself. My birth father left my mother before I was even born. She had a childhood friend who helped her along with that. He was there throughout the pregnancy and well into the first year of my life. My grandparents looked down on my mother for having a child out of wedlock. They pretend I don’t exist. The only reason I know they’re still alive is because they call my mother on her birthday.
“I do get some attention on my birthday, but not a whole lot. The childhood friend came by every year. He was committed to get to know me, to be a father figure for me. Well anyways, my mother got sick. She’s better now, but when it first started developing she couldn’t work anymore. That’s why we relocated to Oak Stream sophomore year. I couldn’t care less about a change in scenery. We needed the money. That childhood friend offered me a job at his comic book shop. I knew nothing about comic books before then, but I learned quickly to try and excel at the job. Mr. Baysinger has been the only father figure I’ve ever had.
“That’s when I ended up in London. I had heard rumblings that he might be there. That he might want to actually see me. My mother encouraged me to go so that I didn’t have to spend the summer watching her get so sick. Mr. Baysinger discouraged it. He thought it’d only lead to disappointment. He was right. I found him, my birth father, and he wanted nothing to do with me. First off, he didn’t believe me. Even if I had biological proof, which I don’t, I think he’d still choose not to believe. It sounds so wrong but I’ve even forgotten his name by now. I’m never reaching out to him again. He doesn’t even exist.”
Cadence sighed, “I’m so sorry, Gus.”
“Yeah,” Lyra whispered. “I can’t even imagine.”
“Thanks,” Gus mumbled. “I’m glad you can’t because I don’t want anyone to feel the pain that I feel.”
“I think I’ve got some idea, but it’s manifested itself differently,” Cadence said with great trepidation.
“Please,” Gus paused. “Please share.”
“You’ve wanted to hear this story for so long. I was afraid you’d view me differently afterwards.”
“If that does happen, it won’t be in a negative light. I just desperately want to get to know you better. I’m all ears.”
“I am too,” Lyra added.
“Really?” Cadence asked bewildered.
“I know I called you out earlier this year. I’ve been going through hell. I’m sorry,” Lyra said empathetically.
“I don’t know why, but I believe you. Ok,” Cadence took a deep breath. “See my father actually wanted me. He wanted me desperately. It just happened to be in the most perverted way possible.”
“Oh my god,” Lyra breathed.
“That’s right. See Damien wasn’t my first time. Even though I’ve claimed him to be even to myself. The only reason I’ve claimed that to be the night I lost my virginity is because it was finally my choice to do so. It started when I was 11. Dad apologized every time afterwards, promised me he’d never do it again, that he loved me. He didn’t even have the courtesy to be gentle. At least Damien had been. Dad couldn’t stop. He kept doing it. I was too ashamed to mention it to anyone, not even to my mother. He always came up with some excuse. I got banged up at soccer practice or something lame like that.
“My mother finally called the school and discovered I was never on the team. She confronted my father, but he never admitted to it. He never will. Shortly after he ran away and my mother never looked for him. When I ended up in high school at Our Savior, Damien for the first time ever made me feel safe in the arms of a man. Not only did the school expel me for committing myself to him, they made me feel like a slut. How could it be wrong when he treated me so lovingly, so gently?
“I searched for my father all year. I finally found him. He had relocated to London. Our Savior was going on a school trip and well, Mom didn’t know my real reason for going. I found him. I confronted him. I just wanted to ask him why. He locked his office door and forced himself on me one last time. It was his way of saying goodbye. He never talked to me again.”
“Cadence,” Lyra exhaled.
“I don’t know shit,” Gus admitted. “I thought our stories were one and the same. I’m sorry I ever pressured you to tell me, but believe me I’m honored that you did.”
“I know,” Cadence found herself starting to cry. “I don’t think I can handle this without you, Gus.”
“You won’t have to.”
“I thought we were breaking up.”
“Let me clarify,” Gus sharply inhaled. “You’re right. I think it’s a bad idea for us right now at this moment to continue dating. We both need to work through so many things and I don’t think we know how to help each other, but I can say with certainty I’ve never needed your friendship more than I’ve needed it right now.”
“I don’t know if I can do that.”
“It’s up to you,” Gus added gingerly. “What about you, Lyra?”
“What about me?” Lyra replied floored.
“You said you were going through hell. Why don’t you tell us what hell looks like?”
“I can’t,” Lyra stated stoically.
The conversation ended abruptly. Nobody said another word to each other and unlike what Cadence had thought would happen, she didn’t feel any closer to Gus or Lyra. She didn’t feel any better either. She had never felt more alone.
“Is it mandatory to sit in silence?” Kerass asked.
“We don’t have to,” Mr. Baganz chimed in.
“Why? Is there something you want to talk about, Kerass?” Jay inquired.
“Well, actually there was, but I don’t want to talk first.”
“I’ll go,” Jeremy said. “I’ve had a lot to think about over the past several hours. I don’t want to live another day where I can’t forgive myself.”
“How do you figure?” Mr. Baganz asked.
“The owners of the dog I accidentally ran over, they go to our church. They’ve forgiven me, no questions asked. Everyone at church has forgiven me. People at school haven’t, but I was glad they didn’t. I felt I deserved punishment.”
“And what do you think now?” Mr. Baganz prodded.
“I don’t deserve forgiveness at all, but I’ve got it. If they can forgive me without question, well I can forgive myself too.”
“Come off it, man,” Kerass scolded. “It is not that simple.”
“I never said it was, but I want to live differently than I have been. I want things to change. I can’t afford another day of me just punishing myself.”
“I don’t think I could ever forgive myself for something like that,” Kerass added sadly.
“Then I don’t think you understand the Gospel,” Jeremy replied with confidence.
“No, I understand it, I just don’t want to live under it. I’m not sure I ever did,” Kerass sighed running his hand over his buzzed head. “I’m a cutter,” he allowed the words to escape his lips.
“Why, Kerass?” Mr. Baganz asked with utmost sympathy. “Don’t you realize how much people love you?”
“They don’t love me. My father definitely doesn’t,” Kerass murmured.
“Why are you admitting this now?” Jay asked.
“Well, I got caught yesterday. It’s forced me to talk about something that I just wanted to pretend didn’t exist. To be perfectly honest, I didn’t feel comfortable talking about it with anyone, not even you. I was going to say it sooner, but after all that’s happened today, it no longer seemed important to mention.”
“Oh, it is definitely important to talk about this out loud. I’m so proud of you for finally opening up, for sharing,” Mr. Baganz said, leaning over and hugging Kerass.
“You seem awfully quiet, Jeremy,” Jay noticed after he hugged Kerass as well.
“I was a cutter too,” Jeremy exhaled. “I couldn’t face those feelings again. I’m sorry that I failed you as a friend, Kerass. I knew and I didn’t say anything. I don’t know what else to tell you.”
“Don’t beat yourself up over it. I wouldn’t have listened to you anyways.”
“Kerass,” Mr. Baganz stated. “Does your father know about your problem?”
“No, and he never will.”
“I’m not going to tell you that you need to tell him, but you must be talking to someone about this,” Mr. Baganz challenged.
“Can I talk to you about it?”
“Absolutely.”
“I wish I could be more like Jeremy.”
“Why? I’m a train wreck,” Jeremy responded.
“Because you’re past it.”
“I am now, but I didn’t stop until this summer and that was after I had noticed it with you. It became much less frequent over time and talking it out, letting my frustrations out with the Christian Fellowship really helped me. It’s so important to have peer support.”
“I imagine so,” Kerass said. “It’s not just that though. I wish I could forgive myself for my wrongs. I wish I could forgive others, but I can’t. I’m not ready to forgive my father for what he did.”
“What did he do?” Jeremy asked trepidatiously.
“He pulled my mother’s plug, ending her life.”
“Oh no,” Jay whispered tearfully.
“I never knew,” Mr. Baganz said, his eyes welling with tears, “I hope you believe that.”
“I do,” Kerass nodded. “No, I don’t think I’ll ever to be able to forgive my father because I don’t want to.”
The loudspeakers went off again. The school’s lockdown was lifted. The culprit was revealed during the announcement to be a freshman who had called into the school stating a bomb was in the cafeteria. The freshman had been afraid of taking an exam that day. No bomb actually existed.
“Are you freaking kidding me?” Jeremy retorted.
“Stupid freshman,” Kerass said standing up, walking out of Mr. Baganz’s classroom. He knew he should stay behind and talk some more, but he couldn’t bring himself to do so.
“Kerass!” Mr. Baganz called out after him.
“What?” he turned around.
“Please wait. I have a confession to make.”
“I’m waiting.”
“And you’re not going to like what I have to say.”
Sunday, July 10, 2016
Fallen Leaves - Chapter 35: Strong
Not a single ray of sunlight broke through the wall of dark clouds surrounding Oak Stream. The street had been cleaned, but you could still see some dried up blood on the point of impact. Jay knocked on Jeremy’s door a second time, glad to be away from the street of the incident. He knew Jeremy was in there ignoring the knocking, the texting, the calling. Jeremy hadn’t gone to school in a week.
“Come on, Jeremey,” Jay called out to him. He continued saying he knew he was in there. “We have to talk about it sometime.”
The door opened. The stench of body odor immediately struck him. Jeremy must not have showered all week. This smell would carry with him for the rest of the day and possibly even the following day. It was all worth it if he opened his mouth.
“Why?” Jeremy asked. “Just so you could say I told you so?”
“Do you think so little of me?” Jay challenged. “What happened in our neighborhood, on my street, is a tragedy. That dog was a beloved part of the community, but all I’m worried about is you.”
“You don’t mean that. I don’t deserve forgiveness. You of all people should know that. You warned me this would happen and like a pig-headed idiot I didn’t listen.”
“You’re not ready to talk about it yet.”
“I’m not strong enough. I can talk about it, but I’m just not ready to be forgiven and I don’t think I’ll ever be,” Jeremy said, his eyes brimming with tears.
“Will you at least let me in? Let me sit with you. I don’t want you to have to process through this alone. We don’t even have to talk.”
“Don’t you have play rehearsals?” Jeremy challenged.
“It already ended. I’m here for you even though obviously you don’t want me to be.”
Jeremy’s face dropped. Jay was being genuine and he believed Jeremy could tell. After a long pause, Jeremy replied, “You sure you want to step into the smell?”
“I’ve already forgiven you for that,” Jay said as he walked past Jeremy into the living room.
With the ticket to the fall show in hand, Cadence opened the door to the empty hallway inside her old stomping grounds Our Savior Lutheran. She wanted to find her old locker. Oddly enough she could still remember the combination, but not the actual locker number. She wondered who took over her locker when she transferred back to Oak Stream sophomore year. Surely there had been more than one occupant since then. Was it possible that they had similar interests? Could she be a part of color guard too, possibly even just joined this year? Was it even a girl?
There was even a part of her that wanted to look through her old locker to try and figure out who this new occupant was. Realizing the thought was completely creepy, she abandoned the drive to find her old locker and the inkling to test her old combination just for kicks.
“Miss?” a voice called down the dark hallway. “May I help you?” a police officer walked over to her.
“I bought a ticket to the show and I can’t exactly find the auditorium,” she lied and from the look on the man’s face, he could tell it too, but when she held up the ticket he backed off.
“Right this way,” the police officer ushered her back towards the lit hallway. She knew exactly where the auditorium was, but to keep face, she pretended like she needed to be led.
Leaving her off at the ticket booth, he bid her farewell. The woman greeted her with a nonchalant smile, which wasn’t all that welcoming, but she hadn’t expected anything better. Just as the ticket was torn as she walked into the auditorium, memories flooded, rushing back at her. The first date she ever had with Damien, the first true date was to see the fall show at Our Savior her freshman year, long before she was forcibly transferred to Oak Stream. That also happened to be the same night she had lost her virginity and to this day even though Damien turned out to be gay, she had no regrets about that decision. Damien was her one and only so far. Gus had a much more emotional, deeper connection with her, but it had never gotten to that point and she wasn’t convinced she wanted it to go there again, especially not as quickly as it had happened with Damien.
Gus wasn’t with her and she was glad that she wasn’t experiencing these memories in his presence. Truthfully she didn’t know where he was. Things hadn’t been the same since that lunch with Mr. Baysinger, but in all reality things had been rough for a while and neither of them wanted to face each other. Neither was willing to give the other what they wanted and that wasn’t healthy.
She saw people she recognized fill into rows in front of her. She waved at two girls she had homeroom with. She hadn’t seen either of them since the last day of freshmen year. They both gawked at her and laughed. It occurred to her then that they didn’t recognize her. They had moved on and so had she. What was she doing wasting her time here? Reliving memories, some of them good, most of them not, anyways she didn’t want to relive them. This was a mistake. There was a reason she had left Our Savior to return to Oak Stream and as much as she had convinced herself at the time, it wasn’t Kerass. Everyone at Our Savior viewed her as a slut. There was no way she could stay. As the lights went down and the curtains opened, she slipped out of the auditorium walking as fast as she could to her car to escape the flood of terrible memories she had internalized over the past few years.
From the corner of Jay’s eye, he saw Cadence walking over to him. As he closed his locker at the end of the school day, he smiled at her. Obviously something was on her mind, and he knew exactly what it was, yet she felt uncomfortable with coming forward.
“Go ahead,” Jay said.
“I beg your pardon?”
“Oh, so you weren’t going to apologize for ditching the Friday one-on-one color guard practice,” he replied. He added that it was understandable because it was a Friday. “People forget. What’s really on your mind?”
“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry I forgot.”
“It’s been forgiven, especially considering that was three days ago. Nothing major.”
“I don’t mean to change the subject on ditching you, but how’s Jeremy doing?”
“Oh, I see,” Jay nodded. It was so sweet and caring of her to ask, especially because she barely knew the dude. “I spent time with him over the weekend, but we didn’t really talk about it.”
“I can’t even imagine. Have people been treating him well?”
“Honestly no. I heard someone just today as I was walking down the hallway beside him yell out animal killer. Of course that would happen on his first day back, a day I had convinced him everything would be fine. He had to have known it was though.”
“He didn’t mean to do it,” Cadence said. Visibly she began to shake. “Why are people so cruel?”
“People are people, but I’m glad that it disturbs you as much as it disturbs me. I just don’t see why others can’t see that he’s already suffering enough as it is. It’s coming mainly from himself and the expectations he has for himself. He’s strong, so much stronger than he thinks.”
“Is there anything I can do to help?” she begged, composing herself.
“I don’t think so. He’s pretty bent out of shape right now.”
“Well, can’t I come over too?”
Jay bit his tongue. While it was a nice proposition, it really seemed out of line. He couldn’t recall a single time that they would have talked one-on-one and the only reason she knew him was because Jay was a close friend of his. “No,” Jay said with finality.
“Well don’t say I never tried to help.”
“No one was claiming that.”
“All right, well I guess I’ll see you next marching band rehearsal,” Cadence said aside.
Jay took note that she wasn’t looking at him while she said it. His heart sank as he watched her walking away from him. She was trying too hard to be a good friend. Cadence wasn’t what Jeremy needed, but it was possible that loving on Jeremy was what Cadence needed. Against his better judgment, Jay called after her stopping her in her tracks.
“Would you at least look at me?” Jay challenged, which caused her to turn around and lock eyes with him. “Do you really want to see him?”
“Yes, you know I do.”
“That’s true. Well the only way you can do that is if you come with me to a meeting that begins in five-minutes.”
“The gay-straight alliance starts then.”
Jay was floored. Completely flabbergasted, he questioned how she knew that.
“Isn’t that where you’re going?”
“No,” he shook his head. “I'm meeting him at the Christian Fellowship.”
Apprehension painted her face. There was a long, awkward pause before she said, “I didn’t know you were Christian.”
“I’m not, but I feel comfortable with them. I can’t explain it.”
“You don’t feel comfortable with the gay-straight alliance?”
“Not one bit.”
“They don’t judge you?”
“They have their opinions, but no, they’re not bothered that I’m gay. They just disagree with me pursuing relationships. Some do, but some are completely cool with it.”
“They’ll think I’m a slut because I’m not a virgin,” Cadence whispered.
“There’s only one way you can find that out. You can feel free to share that, but I’d advise against it on the first visit.”
“I don’t know if I can do it.”
“Well, if you change your mind, you know where to find me and Jeremy in five minutes.”
Not even caring to see her reaction, Jay walked away knowing that comforting Jeremy was a lot more important than comforting Cadence in the moment. In spite of it all, he hoped Cadence would come to the meeting. She needed some love and compassion, which she felt she wasn't receiving from anyone. Only time would tell how she reacted. Just before he walked into the meeting, she tapped his shoulder asking if she could step in first. Smiling, he let her cut in front of him.
“What are you saying?” Bryce, Kerass’s roommate, asked.
“You heard me the first time,” Kerass retorted.
“Just because you don’t have money to go to college doesn’t mean you shouldn’t apply.”
“I can’t even visit.”
“I’ll show you around the community college.”
“I wouldn’t even be able to afford one class and I’d probably flunk that too.”
“Stop looking down on yourself. Please just consider pushing yourself. Don’t throw your life away because you can’t live with your dad.”
Kerass fuming inside glared at Bryce pointing his index finger at him. “You have no right to talk about him. You don’t understand what happened. Nobody does.”
“Then why don’t you start talking?”
“I can’t,” Kerass backed down, feeling his eyes brimming with tears.
“Whatever man,” Bryce commented that they could continue the discussion whenever he was comfortable with it. “I’ll just be a second,” he added as he stepped into the bathroom.
It wasn’t two seconds later when Bryce stepped out with the straight razor, the one Kerass had forgotten to clean the last time he used it. Flecks of dried blood remained around the edge.
“You’re in much deeper trouble than I thought,” Bryce said gentler than Kerass felt he deserved.
“It’s not what you think.”
“Show me your arms.”
“I can’t.”
“Kerass, I’m not judging you for this. Just tell me how to love you. I don’t want you to have to go to the razor anymore.”
Inside Kerass felt his lungs were on fire. He wanted to share, but his fears of how he would react overcame the desire for air. He wasn’t strong enough to speak. Instead, he pulled up the arm of his sweater and showed him the lines on his arm.
Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, Bryce challenged, “You had better start talking.”
“Come on, Jeremey,” Jay called out to him. He continued saying he knew he was in there. “We have to talk about it sometime.”
The door opened. The stench of body odor immediately struck him. Jeremy must not have showered all week. This smell would carry with him for the rest of the day and possibly even the following day. It was all worth it if he opened his mouth.
“Why?” Jeremy asked. “Just so you could say I told you so?”
“Do you think so little of me?” Jay challenged. “What happened in our neighborhood, on my street, is a tragedy. That dog was a beloved part of the community, but all I’m worried about is you.”
“You don’t mean that. I don’t deserve forgiveness. You of all people should know that. You warned me this would happen and like a pig-headed idiot I didn’t listen.”
“You’re not ready to talk about it yet.”
“I’m not strong enough. I can talk about it, but I’m just not ready to be forgiven and I don’t think I’ll ever be,” Jeremy said, his eyes brimming with tears.
“Will you at least let me in? Let me sit with you. I don’t want you to have to process through this alone. We don’t even have to talk.”
“Don’t you have play rehearsals?” Jeremy challenged.
“It already ended. I’m here for you even though obviously you don’t want me to be.”
Jeremy’s face dropped. Jay was being genuine and he believed Jeremy could tell. After a long pause, Jeremy replied, “You sure you want to step into the smell?”
“I’ve already forgiven you for that,” Jay said as he walked past Jeremy into the living room.
With the ticket to the fall show in hand, Cadence opened the door to the empty hallway inside her old stomping grounds Our Savior Lutheran. She wanted to find her old locker. Oddly enough she could still remember the combination, but not the actual locker number. She wondered who took over her locker when she transferred back to Oak Stream sophomore year. Surely there had been more than one occupant since then. Was it possible that they had similar interests? Could she be a part of color guard too, possibly even just joined this year? Was it even a girl?
There was even a part of her that wanted to look through her old locker to try and figure out who this new occupant was. Realizing the thought was completely creepy, she abandoned the drive to find her old locker and the inkling to test her old combination just for kicks.
“Miss?” a voice called down the dark hallway. “May I help you?” a police officer walked over to her.
“I bought a ticket to the show and I can’t exactly find the auditorium,” she lied and from the look on the man’s face, he could tell it too, but when she held up the ticket he backed off.
“Right this way,” the police officer ushered her back towards the lit hallway. She knew exactly where the auditorium was, but to keep face, she pretended like she needed to be led.
Leaving her off at the ticket booth, he bid her farewell. The woman greeted her with a nonchalant smile, which wasn’t all that welcoming, but she hadn’t expected anything better. Just as the ticket was torn as she walked into the auditorium, memories flooded, rushing back at her. The first date she ever had with Damien, the first true date was to see the fall show at Our Savior her freshman year, long before she was forcibly transferred to Oak Stream. That also happened to be the same night she had lost her virginity and to this day even though Damien turned out to be gay, she had no regrets about that decision. Damien was her one and only so far. Gus had a much more emotional, deeper connection with her, but it had never gotten to that point and she wasn’t convinced she wanted it to go there again, especially not as quickly as it had happened with Damien.
Gus wasn’t with her and she was glad that she wasn’t experiencing these memories in his presence. Truthfully she didn’t know where he was. Things hadn’t been the same since that lunch with Mr. Baysinger, but in all reality things had been rough for a while and neither of them wanted to face each other. Neither was willing to give the other what they wanted and that wasn’t healthy.
She saw people she recognized fill into rows in front of her. She waved at two girls she had homeroom with. She hadn’t seen either of them since the last day of freshmen year. They both gawked at her and laughed. It occurred to her then that they didn’t recognize her. They had moved on and so had she. What was she doing wasting her time here? Reliving memories, some of them good, most of them not, anyways she didn’t want to relive them. This was a mistake. There was a reason she had left Our Savior to return to Oak Stream and as much as she had convinced herself at the time, it wasn’t Kerass. Everyone at Our Savior viewed her as a slut. There was no way she could stay. As the lights went down and the curtains opened, she slipped out of the auditorium walking as fast as she could to her car to escape the flood of terrible memories she had internalized over the past few years.
From the corner of Jay’s eye, he saw Cadence walking over to him. As he closed his locker at the end of the school day, he smiled at her. Obviously something was on her mind, and he knew exactly what it was, yet she felt uncomfortable with coming forward.
“Go ahead,” Jay said.
“I beg your pardon?”
“Oh, so you weren’t going to apologize for ditching the Friday one-on-one color guard practice,” he replied. He added that it was understandable because it was a Friday. “People forget. What’s really on your mind?”
“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry I forgot.”
“It’s been forgiven, especially considering that was three days ago. Nothing major.”
“I don’t mean to change the subject on ditching you, but how’s Jeremy doing?”
“Oh, I see,” Jay nodded. It was so sweet and caring of her to ask, especially because she barely knew the dude. “I spent time with him over the weekend, but we didn’t really talk about it.”
“I can’t even imagine. Have people been treating him well?”
“Honestly no. I heard someone just today as I was walking down the hallway beside him yell out animal killer. Of course that would happen on his first day back, a day I had convinced him everything would be fine. He had to have known it was though.”
“He didn’t mean to do it,” Cadence said. Visibly she began to shake. “Why are people so cruel?”
“People are people, but I’m glad that it disturbs you as much as it disturbs me. I just don’t see why others can’t see that he’s already suffering enough as it is. It’s coming mainly from himself and the expectations he has for himself. He’s strong, so much stronger than he thinks.”
“Is there anything I can do to help?” she begged, composing herself.
“I don’t think so. He’s pretty bent out of shape right now.”
“Well, can’t I come over too?”
Jay bit his tongue. While it was a nice proposition, it really seemed out of line. He couldn’t recall a single time that they would have talked one-on-one and the only reason she knew him was because Jay was a close friend of his. “No,” Jay said with finality.
“Well don’t say I never tried to help.”
“No one was claiming that.”
“All right, well I guess I’ll see you next marching band rehearsal,” Cadence said aside.
Jay took note that she wasn’t looking at him while she said it. His heart sank as he watched her walking away from him. She was trying too hard to be a good friend. Cadence wasn’t what Jeremy needed, but it was possible that loving on Jeremy was what Cadence needed. Against his better judgment, Jay called after her stopping her in her tracks.
“Would you at least look at me?” Jay challenged, which caused her to turn around and lock eyes with him. “Do you really want to see him?”
“Yes, you know I do.”
“That’s true. Well the only way you can do that is if you come with me to a meeting that begins in five-minutes.”
“The gay-straight alliance starts then.”
Jay was floored. Completely flabbergasted, he questioned how she knew that.
“Isn’t that where you’re going?”
“No,” he shook his head. “I'm meeting him at the Christian Fellowship.”
Apprehension painted her face. There was a long, awkward pause before she said, “I didn’t know you were Christian.”
“I’m not, but I feel comfortable with them. I can’t explain it.”
“You don’t feel comfortable with the gay-straight alliance?”
“Not one bit.”
“They don’t judge you?”
“They have their opinions, but no, they’re not bothered that I’m gay. They just disagree with me pursuing relationships. Some do, but some are completely cool with it.”
“They’ll think I’m a slut because I’m not a virgin,” Cadence whispered.
“There’s only one way you can find that out. You can feel free to share that, but I’d advise against it on the first visit.”
“I don’t know if I can do it.”
“Well, if you change your mind, you know where to find me and Jeremy in five minutes.”
Not even caring to see her reaction, Jay walked away knowing that comforting Jeremy was a lot more important than comforting Cadence in the moment. In spite of it all, he hoped Cadence would come to the meeting. She needed some love and compassion, which she felt she wasn't receiving from anyone. Only time would tell how she reacted. Just before he walked into the meeting, she tapped his shoulder asking if she could step in first. Smiling, he let her cut in front of him.
“What are you saying?” Bryce, Kerass’s roommate, asked.
“You heard me the first time,” Kerass retorted.
“Just because you don’t have money to go to college doesn’t mean you shouldn’t apply.”
“I can’t even visit.”
“I’ll show you around the community college.”
“I wouldn’t even be able to afford one class and I’d probably flunk that too.”
“Stop looking down on yourself. Please just consider pushing yourself. Don’t throw your life away because you can’t live with your dad.”
Kerass fuming inside glared at Bryce pointing his index finger at him. “You have no right to talk about him. You don’t understand what happened. Nobody does.”
“Then why don’t you start talking?”
“I can’t,” Kerass backed down, feeling his eyes brimming with tears.
“Whatever man,” Bryce commented that they could continue the discussion whenever he was comfortable with it. “I’ll just be a second,” he added as he stepped into the bathroom.
It wasn’t two seconds later when Bryce stepped out with the straight razor, the one Kerass had forgotten to clean the last time he used it. Flecks of dried blood remained around the edge.
“You’re in much deeper trouble than I thought,” Bryce said gentler than Kerass felt he deserved.
“It’s not what you think.”
“Show me your arms.”
“I can’t.”
“Kerass, I’m not judging you for this. Just tell me how to love you. I don’t want you to have to go to the razor anymore.”
Inside Kerass felt his lungs were on fire. He wanted to share, but his fears of how he would react overcame the desire for air. He wasn’t strong enough to speak. Instead, he pulled up the arm of his sweater and showed him the lines on his arm.
Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, Bryce challenged, “You had better start talking.”
Sunday, July 3, 2016
Fallen Leaves - Chapter 34: Summer Love
The torrential downpour left the stands empty. Only the band, the cheerleaders and the parents were left supporting the team. Yet Kerass was there hiding inside his letterman’s jacket. Realizing that wasn’t working, he held it over his head, but the jacket soaked through and little droplets fell onto his head and it didn’t prevent his jeans from getting completely soaked through.
The season opener was a travesty. Oak Stream’s team was even worse than he had imagined, although admittedly it was hard to see anything through the rain, let alone hear as it pounded against the metal stands. Kerass had no desire to be there, but he couldn’t force himself to leave. He had chosen to let this go. There was no one else to blame but himself for that. Jeremy had made the team as a wide receiver and he was terrible. He constantly dropped the ball, consistently got knocked down, and he couldn’t even run fast. How he made the team created total bewilderment for Kerass. It didn’t make any sense, but it was possible that they didn’t have enough interest so they had to take what they could get.
At least Jeremy was doing something. What was Kerass doing other than sulking and avoiding everyone? He knew he had entered into a time of depression, but he didn’t know how to get out of it. He couldn’t feel anything except pain and the only way he knew how to release pain was putting a blade to his arm and forcing it to come out. He had to hide it. The only way he could do so was by wearing long sleeves regardless of how hot it was. Luckily he didn’t have that problem in the rain.
The game itself didn’t take away the pain, it only added to it. The rain began to subside, but even that didn’t make things any more comfortable. Everyone in the stands was miserable. The cheerleaders, fully drenched, had gone inside to leave. The band had left already because they couldn’t get their instruments wet. Only the parents remained and they were miserable enough. It was enough of a reminder of what he no longer had that it forced him to stand. Ironically enough, the sky was completely clear by the time he walked alongside the chain-link fence heading out of the field. The coach gave him a disapproving look as he walked past. Through his periphery vision, he could tell Mr. Baganz was looking at him, but he couldn’t force himself to look back. As far as he was concerned, he didn’t have to watch any other game this year. This was a whimpering send off to his time on Oak Stream’s football team and he couldn’t bring himself to even care what the outcome would be for the remainder of the season.
Cadence held her breath before she built up the courage to knock on the door. This was a big deal and considering she and Gus were going through a rough patch it gave her a lot of encouragement that he was willing after several months of dating to introduce her to his mentor, Mr. Baysinger, the comic book storeowner who had to close down shop the previous year. It meant a lot to him what Mr. Baysinger thought, so she’d have to do her best to make a good impression, but she was pretty good with authority figures, so she wasn’t too concerned about it.
The sound of Gus’s laughter filled the hallway bleeding out through the cracks in the door before Gus walked up opening the door, welcoming her in. He was smiling with the giddiest grin on his face. This was a side of Gus that not even she had been blessed to see, but he didn’t change his composure when he saw her at least.
“It’s great to see Cadence,” Gus said pulling her into his arms and kissing her.
They hadn’t kissed in a while and it still enthralled her. “Happy to be here,” she replied unable to come up with anything better.
“We’ll be chatting on the back patio, I hope you don’t mind,” Gus said.
“I’m sure she won’t,” the sound of Mr. Baysinger’s voice carried through the outdoors into the house.
Mr. Baysinger pulled out the lawn chair as Gus led her to the patio. Without saying a word, Mr. Baysinger gestured for her to sit down.
“I’ll just be a second,” Gus said as he walked away from the two of them doing who knows what.
The simplest pleasantries were exchanged before an awful silence dispersed between them. She knew Gus was completely comfortable with the storeowner, but she wasn’t. He couldn’t even get past ‘how are you’ when they were sitting alone together. Was it possible that he felt things weren’t going well or even that it was just as awkward for him as it was for her to be alone?
Gus gently patted her on the back, as he finally planted himself in the chair beside her. “It’s ok, you can speak openly here.”
“Speak about what?” she asked. She continued saying that a topic simply hadn’t been chosen yet. “Why don’t you tell me how you two met?” she inquired realizing that the question was better obtained to Gus and her seeing as they were the ones dating and by the look on Mr. Baysinger’s face when his eyes popped out of his head, it became evidently clear that it wasn’t a proper question.
“I’ll share the full details with you someday,” Gus promised. “It’s just a little too unpleasant to talk about now as we’re sitting down for lunch. Besides, this is a time for him to get to know you, not the other way around.”
“I do apologize for my composure,” Mr. Baysinger replied. “It’s a valid question. I just wasn’t expecting you to ask that.”
“Why not?” Cadence asked.
“He thought I might have already shared that with you,” Gus spoke for him. “I’m sorry,” he continued turning to his mentor, “I just feel that it’s a private matter between us. I’ll share it with you eventually,” he tacked on looking back at her.
“Well, you don’t have to share anything you don’t want to share. Isn’t it odd when the tables are turned?” she couldn’t help herself snidely asking him how it felt.
“What is this all about?” Mr. Baysinger asked trepidatiously.
“Why don’t we change the subject?” Gus glared at her.
“Tell me how you two met,” Mr. Baysinger prompted.
“That’s technically up for debate,” Gus said under his breath.
“No it’s not. We met in English class,” Cadence said feeling upset that he couldn’t even remember their first meeting. “How could you not remember? That class was really important to me. You saw me in a way that no one else could.”
“You’re the one who doesn’t remember, Cadence. I remember that class vividly. Properly we met in English class, you’re right about that. But in terms of our first genuine meeting, although we never said anything to each other, well that happened the summer before.”
“The summer of London,” Cadence found herself whispering. Somehow Gus had done it again. He had brought London into every conversation they had ever since the summer had begun. They hadn’t been able to share the summer love her mind imagined. The tragedies around her had gotten in the way. On her way over she had wondered why they had grown apart, why they weren’t spending a lot of time together. The most obvious answer was right in front of her. There was a conversation he felt they needed to have and she was determined never to speak of London and he couldn’t let that go. How he even knew about it was a mystery and she desperately hoped that he had gotten the details wrong, but anything was possible.
“Well, I’m sure you two will figure the story out eventually,” Mr. Baysinger said aside, not looking at either of them.
The rest of the lunch continued in silence. Not one word was spoken while everyone ate their meals in peace. Cadence knew this was a disaster, but she couldn’t bring herself to leave. The thought of staying together with Gus was dreadful, his incessant pestering about that conversation that would never take place, yet the thought of leaving him was even worse. She couldn’t bear to stay with him and she couldn’t force herself to leave. The moment they decided to commit to each other was the most beautiful, wondrous moment of her life and all of that was ruined by one single word.
As she left saying her goodbyes, she listened to Mr. Baysinger say to Gus right after the screen door shut, “I’m starting to understand why you’re considering breaking up with her.”
“Can we take a break?” Kerass asked as he followed Lyra up an incline on an untraveled nature trail road.
“It’s just 5 more minutes to the top,” Lyra snickered. “Then I promise you can see higher than the water tower.”
“Yeah, well, I think I’m going to pass out,” Kerass panted. He continued pleading with her for a water break.
“All right, but I thought the athlete in you would be able to handle these conditions.”
As Kerass sat down swigging water, wiping the sweat off his brow, he looked over at Lyra. He found her shaved head oddly attractive. He couldn’t take his eyes off of it.
Lyra slapped his arm, “I told you I don’t like you staring at my nonexistent hair like that with your goggling imaginative eyes of what was.”
“I think you’re beautiful,” he slipped out. Internally he was challenging her to look at him, but she avoided eye contact.
“We need to keep pushing if we’re to make it back downhill before nightfall.”
“May I ask you something?” When she didn’t reply, Kerass felt it was ok to ask anyway. “Why did you ask me to go on this hike?”
“Why did you say yes?”
“Because I wanted to spend time with you away from everyone else. You don’t ask questions. You accept where I’m at.”
“That’s where you’re wrong Kerass,” Lyra replied. “I don’t accept where you’re at because I believe you’ll grow, but you need to desire it first.”
“I need you to listen to me. You and Gus are the only two people I trust. Will you help me grow?”
“I can’t do that for you, not right now at least.”
Kerass, feeling deflated, responded, “I don’t want to go to the top anymore.”
“You’re not ready for it.”
Kerass stared at her unwilling to reply.
“Fine,” she stated. “Let’s head back.”
Jay glanced up as he saw Jeremy driving away after having dropped him off at his home. Jeremy was doing it again, Jay noticed. His eyes weren’t on the road, they were on his phone as he was texting. It was disgraceful watching him act so dangerously on the road and not giving a shit. Jay had told him repeatedly that it would eventually catch up with him, but Jeremy deflected any criticism about his driving habits by stating he was the best driver ever.
Two doors down from Jay, the neighbor’s dog began to walk across the street. Jay tried to yell out but not a single sound came from his mouth. He closed his eyes a second before he heard the life-ending screech of the animal. Tires squealed to a stop. When he opened his eyes, he saw a mixture of blood and fur flowing down the street.
The season opener was a travesty. Oak Stream’s team was even worse than he had imagined, although admittedly it was hard to see anything through the rain, let alone hear as it pounded against the metal stands. Kerass had no desire to be there, but he couldn’t force himself to leave. He had chosen to let this go. There was no one else to blame but himself for that. Jeremy had made the team as a wide receiver and he was terrible. He constantly dropped the ball, consistently got knocked down, and he couldn’t even run fast. How he made the team created total bewilderment for Kerass. It didn’t make any sense, but it was possible that they didn’t have enough interest so they had to take what they could get.
At least Jeremy was doing something. What was Kerass doing other than sulking and avoiding everyone? He knew he had entered into a time of depression, but he didn’t know how to get out of it. He couldn’t feel anything except pain and the only way he knew how to release pain was putting a blade to his arm and forcing it to come out. He had to hide it. The only way he could do so was by wearing long sleeves regardless of how hot it was. Luckily he didn’t have that problem in the rain.
The game itself didn’t take away the pain, it only added to it. The rain began to subside, but even that didn’t make things any more comfortable. Everyone in the stands was miserable. The cheerleaders, fully drenched, had gone inside to leave. The band had left already because they couldn’t get their instruments wet. Only the parents remained and they were miserable enough. It was enough of a reminder of what he no longer had that it forced him to stand. Ironically enough, the sky was completely clear by the time he walked alongside the chain-link fence heading out of the field. The coach gave him a disapproving look as he walked past. Through his periphery vision, he could tell Mr. Baganz was looking at him, but he couldn’t force himself to look back. As far as he was concerned, he didn’t have to watch any other game this year. This was a whimpering send off to his time on Oak Stream’s football team and he couldn’t bring himself to even care what the outcome would be for the remainder of the season.
Cadence held her breath before she built up the courage to knock on the door. This was a big deal and considering she and Gus were going through a rough patch it gave her a lot of encouragement that he was willing after several months of dating to introduce her to his mentor, Mr. Baysinger, the comic book storeowner who had to close down shop the previous year. It meant a lot to him what Mr. Baysinger thought, so she’d have to do her best to make a good impression, but she was pretty good with authority figures, so she wasn’t too concerned about it.
The sound of Gus’s laughter filled the hallway bleeding out through the cracks in the door before Gus walked up opening the door, welcoming her in. He was smiling with the giddiest grin on his face. This was a side of Gus that not even she had been blessed to see, but he didn’t change his composure when he saw her at least.
“It’s great to see Cadence,” Gus said pulling her into his arms and kissing her.
They hadn’t kissed in a while and it still enthralled her. “Happy to be here,” she replied unable to come up with anything better.
“We’ll be chatting on the back patio, I hope you don’t mind,” Gus said.
“I’m sure she won’t,” the sound of Mr. Baysinger’s voice carried through the outdoors into the house.
Mr. Baysinger pulled out the lawn chair as Gus led her to the patio. Without saying a word, Mr. Baysinger gestured for her to sit down.
“I’ll just be a second,” Gus said as he walked away from the two of them doing who knows what.
The simplest pleasantries were exchanged before an awful silence dispersed between them. She knew Gus was completely comfortable with the storeowner, but she wasn’t. He couldn’t even get past ‘how are you’ when they were sitting alone together. Was it possible that he felt things weren’t going well or even that it was just as awkward for him as it was for her to be alone?
Gus gently patted her on the back, as he finally planted himself in the chair beside her. “It’s ok, you can speak openly here.”
“Speak about what?” she asked. She continued saying that a topic simply hadn’t been chosen yet. “Why don’t you tell me how you two met?” she inquired realizing that the question was better obtained to Gus and her seeing as they were the ones dating and by the look on Mr. Baysinger’s face when his eyes popped out of his head, it became evidently clear that it wasn’t a proper question.
“I’ll share the full details with you someday,” Gus promised. “It’s just a little too unpleasant to talk about now as we’re sitting down for lunch. Besides, this is a time for him to get to know you, not the other way around.”
“I do apologize for my composure,” Mr. Baysinger replied. “It’s a valid question. I just wasn’t expecting you to ask that.”
“Why not?” Cadence asked.
“He thought I might have already shared that with you,” Gus spoke for him. “I’m sorry,” he continued turning to his mentor, “I just feel that it’s a private matter between us. I’ll share it with you eventually,” he tacked on looking back at her.
“Well, you don’t have to share anything you don’t want to share. Isn’t it odd when the tables are turned?” she couldn’t help herself snidely asking him how it felt.
“What is this all about?” Mr. Baysinger asked trepidatiously.
“Why don’t we change the subject?” Gus glared at her.
“Tell me how you two met,” Mr. Baysinger prompted.
“That’s technically up for debate,” Gus said under his breath.
“No it’s not. We met in English class,” Cadence said feeling upset that he couldn’t even remember their first meeting. “How could you not remember? That class was really important to me. You saw me in a way that no one else could.”
“You’re the one who doesn’t remember, Cadence. I remember that class vividly. Properly we met in English class, you’re right about that. But in terms of our first genuine meeting, although we never said anything to each other, well that happened the summer before.”
“The summer of London,” Cadence found herself whispering. Somehow Gus had done it again. He had brought London into every conversation they had ever since the summer had begun. They hadn’t been able to share the summer love her mind imagined. The tragedies around her had gotten in the way. On her way over she had wondered why they had grown apart, why they weren’t spending a lot of time together. The most obvious answer was right in front of her. There was a conversation he felt they needed to have and she was determined never to speak of London and he couldn’t let that go. How he even knew about it was a mystery and she desperately hoped that he had gotten the details wrong, but anything was possible.
“Well, I’m sure you two will figure the story out eventually,” Mr. Baysinger said aside, not looking at either of them.
The rest of the lunch continued in silence. Not one word was spoken while everyone ate their meals in peace. Cadence knew this was a disaster, but she couldn’t bring herself to leave. The thought of staying together with Gus was dreadful, his incessant pestering about that conversation that would never take place, yet the thought of leaving him was even worse. She couldn’t bear to stay with him and she couldn’t force herself to leave. The moment they decided to commit to each other was the most beautiful, wondrous moment of her life and all of that was ruined by one single word.
As she left saying her goodbyes, she listened to Mr. Baysinger say to Gus right after the screen door shut, “I’m starting to understand why you’re considering breaking up with her.”
“Can we take a break?” Kerass asked as he followed Lyra up an incline on an untraveled nature trail road.
“It’s just 5 more minutes to the top,” Lyra snickered. “Then I promise you can see higher than the water tower.”
“Yeah, well, I think I’m going to pass out,” Kerass panted. He continued pleading with her for a water break.
“All right, but I thought the athlete in you would be able to handle these conditions.”
As Kerass sat down swigging water, wiping the sweat off his brow, he looked over at Lyra. He found her shaved head oddly attractive. He couldn’t take his eyes off of it.
Lyra slapped his arm, “I told you I don’t like you staring at my nonexistent hair like that with your goggling imaginative eyes of what was.”
“I think you’re beautiful,” he slipped out. Internally he was challenging her to look at him, but she avoided eye contact.
“We need to keep pushing if we’re to make it back downhill before nightfall.”
“May I ask you something?” When she didn’t reply, Kerass felt it was ok to ask anyway. “Why did you ask me to go on this hike?”
“Why did you say yes?”
“Because I wanted to spend time with you away from everyone else. You don’t ask questions. You accept where I’m at.”
“That’s where you’re wrong Kerass,” Lyra replied. “I don’t accept where you’re at because I believe you’ll grow, but you need to desire it first.”
“I need you to listen to me. You and Gus are the only two people I trust. Will you help me grow?”
“I can’t do that for you, not right now at least.”
Kerass, feeling deflated, responded, “I don’t want to go to the top anymore.”
“You’re not ready for it.”
Kerass stared at her unwilling to reply.
“Fine,” she stated. “Let’s head back.”
Jay glanced up as he saw Jeremy driving away after having dropped him off at his home. Jeremy was doing it again, Jay noticed. His eyes weren’t on the road, they were on his phone as he was texting. It was disgraceful watching him act so dangerously on the road and not giving a shit. Jay had told him repeatedly that it would eventually catch up with him, but Jeremy deflected any criticism about his driving habits by stating he was the best driver ever.
Two doors down from Jay, the neighbor’s dog began to walk across the street. Jay tried to yell out but not a single sound came from his mouth. He closed his eyes a second before he heard the life-ending screech of the animal. Tires squealed to a stop. When he opened his eyes, he saw a mixture of blood and fur flowing down the street.
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