Fallen Leaves - Chapter 43: Perfect

Damien froze. Retelling the story to Vance was just as awkward as watching it happen before his eyes. Kerass’s girlfriend, the so-called greatest girlfriend in the world, had slapped him in public twice.

“I don’t even know what to do with that,” Damien said taking deep breaths.

“That’s so sad. I’m sorry, man,” Vance gently replied.

“Don’t apologize to me! It’s Kerass who should be consoled.”

“Yeah, but, you’re my friend, seriously. You know that. It’s definitely been affecting you too. I don’t take that lightly. It’s a lot of weight on your shoulders.”

“He just stood there. He did nothing.”

“Yep, you’ve mentioned that before…twice,” Vance snarkily replied raising his eyebrows.

“Could you lose the sarcasm just this once?”

“Sure, but it won’t help,” Vance conceded.

“Pray tell,” Damien challenged him. He continued asking how talking about how to help Kerass wouldn’t help him.

“Simple. Kerass doesn’t want your help. He doesn’t want mine either. No, see, his reaction or lack of one is quite telling.”

“In what way?” Damien asked leaning in.

“Dude, you’re a little too close now,” Vance stated putting a hand up between them.

“Sorry,” Damien said leaning back.

“For whatever reason, he’s chosen to stay with her. As far as we know that’s still the case. If he’s forgiven her for this, why shouldn’t you?”

“Ah, but see, you just implied that he’s talked to her about it.”

“No, forgiveness can be an internal act, my friend. I do it all the time with you.”

“Wait, what?!” Damien asked incredulously. “Why don’t you tell me when I upset you?”

“It doesn’t seem worth it. I’m usually over it in a few hours, a few days at the very most. If it was something major, I’d say it.”

“Yes, but what’s to say that you’d say the same thing when something major comes up between us, that you didn’t think it was major enough to share. Open your damn mouth and share.”

Silence ensued between them. Damien hadn’t had a moment to eat since they had begun talking, so he started to eat to try and quiet both his mind, from the thoughts racing around his brain, and his stomach.

“I’m sorry,” Vance uttered, shattering the silence between them. “I’ll share openly next time.”

“Thank you,” Damien replied, his mouth full of food.

“Here’s the thing though. I want that type of friendship with you. I want us to be open with each other, to share life together. Does Kerass want the same thing?”

“I’m not sure. We seem to be closer than we ever were before, but that’s not saying much. He dated one of my ex’s years ago. We never got off on the best start.”

“Kerass dated a man?”

“No, that was before I knew I was gay. She was very special to me, but I don’t think we could be friends. Things got really awkward after I had come out, even though we weren’t dating at the time or anything.”

“Ok,” Vance nodded. “I don’t think there’s much we can do to help Kerass until he wants help from us. He doesn’t need to want help to receive it, because I’m willing to help him out in any way. I quite like him even though he bugs me. He’s a total pain, really. Yet it’s his decision to accept help from us. From what I can tell, he doesn’t want it. I think it’d be foolish to try, a waste of time. We can only offer so much.”

Damien wiped his forehead. He wasn’t sweating, but he felt unnaturally hot. A lot of what Vance was saying seemed legitimate advice. There was nothing more in this moment that he wanted to do to help Kerass. Biting his tongue, he determined not to reply to Vance’s advice. He simply nodded in agreement.



Julia paced in the waiting room. The hospital always scared her. She wasn’t sure why, but she felt deathly uncomfortable there. Of course it had happened. Lyra got sick, but the thing was when Lyra got sick, she was hospitalized. Even though it was the flu, it knocked her out and she needed constant watch and care. She found it odd that Lyra was placed in the Intensive Care Unit, a bit overreacting, but the doctors always knew best, or so she hoped.

Lyra had been in the hospital for a week. Julia swung by every day to visit her, but was denied as she wasn’t a family member. She never seemed to be there the same time as Lyra’s mother. She had begged her parents to talk to Lyra’s mother, to explain why she allowed it to happen. Lyra’s smile made it all worth it.

Standing up, she saw Lyra’s mother walk by the waiting room. They locked eyes with each other. All the mother did was nod. That was all she needed. She would be back at Lyra’s home helping Lyra once again the upcoming Monday. She owed her parents big time, but even though it cost Lyra so much energy and pain, she didn’t regret having gone to the stream, not even for a second.



Jeremy walked into the student center and saw Pax do a slight wave at him. It still took him some time to find the student center, but he was getting more used to the layout on campus.

“You made it!” Pax said jubilantly stretching out his arms in excitement. He continued stating that he was glad they finally found time to meet up together. “How have you been doing this week?”

“All right, I guess…” Jeremy trailed. “Can I just tell you something, really serious, cut the pleasantries?”

“Sure, if that’s what you want.”

“I relapsed yesterday. Actually, I don’t even know if that’s the proper term for that. See, I’m a cutter and it had been over a year since I had cut myself.”

“Wow…” Pax sighed and then placed his hand on Jeremy’s shoulder. “I’m so glad you told me. I’ll try to help you through this,” he added letting go of his shoulder.

“How? Are you a cutter too?”

“No, but I’ve done my fair share of things, more than enough. I want to help point you towards Jesus and if you need to get help outside of that from like a counselor or something, I’d just love to walk alongside you through that.”

“Uh…I don’t know about seeing a counselor,” Jeremy timidly replied.

“Well, just think about it. Thanks for sharing though, that was very brave of you, but I gotta ask, why did you open up so quickly?”

“I’m tired of hiding who I am.”

“And who’s that?”

“A broken man desperately in need of a savior.”

“You’re much farther along than I was at your age,” Pax reassured him, patting him on his back.

“I thought you could be my friend, my mentor even,” Jeremy tacked on hopefully.

“I would love that, but why me?”

“Because I feel like I can trust you.”



Kerass took deeper breaths while Damien helped him bench press again. Working out was the only time his brain had peace and quiet. He relished the time when everything was silent and the only thing he was focusing on was the pain his body felt, pain and pleasure intertwined. Nothing would disturb his sense of peace.

“I’m surprised Jez let you work out today,” Damien said, his voice wavering with trepidation.

“She’s left already. She allows me this hour even when she’s here. She knows I need that hour of quiet,” Kerass said trying his best to emphasize the last sentence. It completely backfired.

Damien asked why he needed to have this time be silent. “We used to talk.”

“I know, but just not here. It’s not the right setting.”

“Yeah, well, there never really is a right setting to talk about what you went through.”

“What do you mean, what I went through?” Kerass asked sitting upright, placing the weight away.

“Your girlfriend physically and emotionally abused you in public.”

“That wasn’t abuse! It didn’t hurt me at all,” Kerass defensively replied. Even as he said it aloud, he didn’t believe it, but he didn’t want Damien to know that.

“Blood dripped down your cheek. Can you remember that? And you say it didn’t hurt.”

“That didn’t hurt as much as what she said!” Kerass erupted. He instantly regretted saying anything.

“She hurt you man, bad. I hated seeing that. It was disgusting.”

“It wasn’t disgusting,” Kerass said lowering his voice. “We had a misunderstanding and it got a little out of hand. That’s all.”

“A little out of hand? Why aren’t you standing up for yourself? You deserve to be treated so much better than that. You deserve more than her.”

“Take that back! Don’t you dare say that. I, personally, believe in turning the other cheek. Plus, I don’t deserve anything and she gives me a hell of a lot more than a guy like me deserves. She’s perfect for me. What kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn’t overlook an outburst here or there?”

“It was abuse. Why can’t you admit that?”

“Because it’s only abuse if you’re not man enough to take it and I’ll be damned if I let this break me,” Kerass replied breathily. He took a deep breath open mouthed, trying to calm himself down.

“You’ve got it all wrong, Kerass. A real man admits when he’s broken, when he needs help.”

“What do you know about being a real man, huh?” Kerass spat back at him. “You’re gay. You have no idea what being a real man is.”

There was an eerie stillness as others around them stopped running on their treadmills, placed their weights down, and pulled ear buds out. Kerass had spoken that a lot louder than he had intended.

“I didn’t realize you felt that way about me,” Damien stoically whispered back. “There’s no reason to attack my sexuality. I’ve got no time or energy to fight back against that. Don’t say that again,” his voice commanded. “I suggest you leave before I break your face.”

Kerass glared at him. Picking up his towel, wiping his forehead, he stepped out of the gym, his head up, avoiding eye contact with everyone he walked past.



Lighting his cigarette, Pax sat down on the bench in the alumni gardens. The serenity of this isolated place still brought peace and quiet to his mind. He knew he shouldn’t be smoking, but the relief he felt from the nicotine was too strong to pass up. It was a vice he had no intentions of breaking. Someone sat down next to him. He knew exactly who it was before he turned around.

“Hello, Jaden,” Pax said with a smile on his face.

“You forgot we were meeting today, didn’t you?”

“No, that was yesterday and you didn’t show up,” Pax replied.

“No, Pax, we meet on Wednesdays. We always meet on Wednesdays.”

“Today is Thursday.”

Jaden instantly apologized and asked for forgiveness.

“You know you already have it,” Pax reassured her. “Honestly I don’t think there’s much else we can do for Droplet right now.”

“I know. That’s not what I wanted to talk to you about this week.”

“Ok,” Pax said raising his eyebrows. He exhaled smoke and turned to face her directly.

“We’ve been through a lot, you and me.”

Pax nodded. Memories flooded back of the time before he was a believer, a follower of Jesus. Jaden had seen it all. He would never forget that.

“It took some time to work through the sophomore year travesty.”

Pax didn’t want to remember that, in spite of it being fundamental to their ever-growing friendship. “Get to the point, Jaden. I, for one, don’t like dwelling on the past.”

“We have a special connection that I think could go further. You’ll always be my friend, but I want more. Will you go out with me, Pax?”

He froze. Hesitation painted his face. He didn’t want to break her heart. “I’m flattered, really, but I’m not available.”

“What are you dating Jesus?” Jaden chastised frustrated.

“No,” Pax laughed, “but that was funny. I’d been meaning to tell you, but I just hadn’t found the time. She’s really great. She-”

“I’m sorry, I just can’t right now,” Jaden said walking away sniffling.

Putting out his cigarette, he tried to think about what just happened. From her reaction he felt like he blew it, but in the long run it was best that they didn’t further their friendship in that way. Deciding it was best not to tell his girlfriend about this, he stood up and walked out of the alumni gardens. Echoes of memories past of a blow out with Jaden in this same garden two years prior flashed through his mind. He thought they had matured, and he was pretty convinced that was true, but the reaction to hearing about how he was dating bothered him immensely. He decided he would ignore it all. Seeing as he was so predictable to Jaden, avoiding the gardens for a while might be the best decision.



The knocking outside awoke Cadence from her slumber. Wiping sleep out of her eyes, she looked at the clock and acknowledged that she had taken a 2-hour nap. He shouldn’t be home this early, unless he was trying to surprise her. Yet again, he had a key to the office. Who was knocking at the door? Cadence got up and opened the door. Her mother stood before her.

“Hello Cadence,” she said.

Cadence tried to close the door, but her mother’s hand stopped her from shutting it.

“Are you not going to talk to me?” her mother asked. She reminded her that she was her mother and it hurt her not to hear from her.

“You going to tell me you want me to come back home again?”

“Yes. You know it. I can see it in your eyes. He is not good for you, sweetheart. Just tell me you want me to help and I’ll be there. I’ll be there regardless, but it can only help so much if you don’t want my help.”

“I don’t need your help. He loves me. He’s more than I deserve. He’s perfect for me. Don’t blame me because you couldn’t hold onto Dad.”

“You sound just like your father.”

Cadence glared at her. Anger boiling up inside of her, she spat in her mothers face. Her mother taken aback gasped and let out a little screech.

“What is wrong with you, Cadence? Don’t you know how much I love you? Why would you do that to your own mother?” her mother demanded.

“Because I don’t believe you. If you loved me you’d be happy for me because I have found peace. I don’t need anything more than him and you keep trying to take him, the only good thing in my life, away from me. If you can’t accept him, you have no business being a part of my life.”

“You’ve lost it,” her mother solemnly said.

“Get out,” Cadence uttered gutturally. “GET OUT!”



Jay walked alongside Gil. He couldn’t believe he had said yes. He wasn’t even that attracted to Gil, but he was so floored that he had been asked out that he couldn’t say no. Gil smiled at him. He had the whitest teeth. There wasn’t much more about his physical appearance that attracted him, but hey, at least that’s a compliment.

“You’re not really enjoying this, are you?” Gil asked.

“Dinner was nice,” Jay unconvincingly replied.

“I knew it. It’s ok.”

“Gil, you’re great and I think we could be really great friends, but-”

“There just wasn’t any spark,” Gil completed the sentence.

Jay nodded. Telling him he was sorry about it all. “I know you wanted more.”

“No, not necessarily. I wanted to explore what it would be like to be with you. We both realized it wasn’t working, but I still want to be a part of your life.”

“I know. I feel the same way. You’ve changed a hell of a lot since last year.”

“Don’t I know it…” Gil replied under his breath.

“I’m amazed by how unashamed you are to just be yourself.”

“That’s only because I learned it from you,” Gil replied sincerely. He asked him if he wasn’t comfortable with his sexuality.

“I’d like to think that I am, but I’m not always sure. It’s tough.”

“You helped me so much, Jay and now I’m going to help you. You can talk to me any time about this and I think we should discuss this weekly to help you get to a place of self-confidence.”

It was a weird but enticing offer. Without thinking about it, Jay agreed to meet with him weekly. Immediately after he had concerns that Gil was trying to get them to fall in love, but he decided it was best not to think on it.

“Excellent, I’ll see you next week,” Gil said walking away.

Watching him walk away, Jay wondered if he would ever find love. Gil was definitely not someone he wanted to be with. He really wasn’t, right?



Cadence took a deep breath. She knew he was angry and she didn’t blame him.

“She was here?” he yelled out. “Why did you open the door for her?”

“I didn’t know it was her,” Cadence began. She went on saying by the time she realized who it was it was too late to close the door.

“Liar,” he whispered.

“I won’t do it again.”

“You certainly won’t,” he said. He rushed at her and punched her in the face. She felt dizzy. He punched her again. She spit blood out of her mouth. Collapsing to the ground, she felt him kicking her in the stomach.

Fallen Leaves - Chapter 42: Nobody Compares

Two words. That was all that needed to be said. Touching her back first and then hugging her from behind, pulling her close to him, he laid his head on her shoulder. Cadence found her breathing slowed. Placing her hand on his arm, she let go.

“I’m sorry,” he repeated.

Letting the words slip out, she reassured him that she knew. “It’s ok,” she said as she turned around embracing him. Her shoulder became damp as he burst into tears.



Kerass exhaled staring at the ceiling of his dorm room. She would text back, she had to. He could wait. His heart rate rose. The classes were completely different than he thought they would be. He couldn’t quite grasp what to do to get better, but he knew he needed to and fast. He needed a mental break from all the textbooks and assignments. There was no time, no time at all to get the work done. If only she’d text him back, he could move on, get the boost he needed.

None of his classes were hard per se, they were just different. Most things weren’t taught. Classes were more of a discussion on the textbook readings, which there was a lot of. That was a whole new ballgame. Kerass had never done the reading in high school and he found himself having to run to catch up. He had never been a fast reader and consistently found himself falling asleep on his bed reading a textbook. History was the hardest for him to pay attention to. He knew for certain he’d never be a history major.

His phone dinged. She had replied with three letters: yes. Breathing a sigh of relief, he sat up on his bed. A banging on the door stirred him to stand up. He exhaled avoiding eye contact when he saw who was standing before him.

“Are you ready to go, broseph?” Damien asked.

“I told you not to call me that.”

“Oh, that’s right I forgot, the uber sensitive man wants no nicknames.”

“I am not sensitive,” Kerass retorted. He added that it wasn’t a nickname issue. “I just don’t like the word. Plus, watch your mouth. I don’t need to be called overly sensitive from a gay guy of all people.”

“Hey, hey, hey whoa! Slow down there,” Damien said changing his tone. Completely stoic, he continued, “I’ve met plenty of straight guys who are more sensitive than me. It’s not an offense, simply an observation. There’s no direct correlation between homosexuality and sensitivity, so you can stop your immature spitting on my sexuality, ok?”

“Ok, sorry,” Kerass grunted out. Changing the subject, he added, “And could you be careful when you try to break down the door next time? You know a simple knock will do, right?”

“Who ruffled your feathers?”

“Old school analogy man. No one. Actually I couldn’t be happier.”

“That’s complete and utter bullshit, but please continue lying through your teeth.”

“I’m not lying, just agitated with you.”

“Agitated enough to cancel on lunch with me and Vance?”

“Where is he anyway?”

“Already there. Well, you never answered the question. Do you not want to go?”

“Nah, I need to get out of my dorm room.”

“All right then, just try not to be so pissy at lunch. If you are, Vance will bite your head off.”

“Whatever, you lead the way,” Kerass said playfully shoving Damien out of the room.



Jay walked around the campus breathing in the fresh air. It was a joy getting out of class early and as he walked, he couldn’t help but feel a peace about the campus. Not too many people were walking about. He tried to say hi and wave to people as they walked by, yet the looks he received told him quickly that wasn’t the proper way to go about college life, at least not on his campus.

The talk with Jeremy went smoothly. It was like nothing had happened between them at all. The drama of high school, especially from senior year, lay behind them. It was easy, but most of all, it was just fun to be with him. Jay couldn’t stop himself from just being around him. Jeremy went into great detail about how letting go of his past mistakes was easy for him and he realized he could become a new man in college. It was such a crock, but Jay couldn’t help enjoying the bull in spite of it all. At the very least, Jeremy was happy and Jay didn’t want to mess around with anyone else’s happiness.

After having walked around for 15 minutes, Jay determined it’d be nice to take a break and sit on one of the many benches spread throughout the campus. As he took a deep breath, a guy came up to him, asking him if he could sit down and talk. Jay nodded.

“The name’s Pax,” he said holding out his hand.

“Jay,” he replied taking the handshake.

“What are you a freshman?” Pax asked, a calming nature to his voice.

“Got me pegged.”

“I thought so. You’ve still got that dreamy look in your eyes.”

“Let me guess…senior?”

“You bet. I can’t wait to graduate. Too many memories of my past float around here.”

“Sounds like high school,” Jay observed.

“Oh, totally, only it’s so much worse. The consequences here are far worse than a detention.”

Jay looked at him. Pax was nervous, apprehensive even. Jay knew he wanted to share something.

“You have something to say, then why don’t you say it?”

“I don’t like blurting it out. It’s never been my style.”

“You’re style to what?”

“Evangelize,” Pax breathed out.

“You want to tell me about Jesus?” Jay nearly spat out. “I’ve heard it all before.”

“Yeah, but not by me. Not my story,” Pax replied.

“You wouldn’t want me for your group.”

“What makes you so sure?”

“I’m gay, not exactly the picture-perfect Christian.”

“So? It depends on who you talk to. Do you want to talk about that?”

“No,” Jay replied flabbergasted. “What’s there to talk about? I’m gay and that’s that.”

“Well, why’d you bring it up then if you didn’t want to talk about it? Did you think that would scare me away?”

Jay didn’t know what to say. Pax intrigued him whilst annoying him and he knew there was no way of getting rid of him until he heard the story. “Go ahead and share your story.”

“Nah, you don’t want to hear it, and that’s cool too.”

“Maybe one day.”

“I hope so. Anyway, there’s a group I’m a part of on campus. We meet on Wednesday nights at 8. The interest meeting’s tonight. It’s called Droplet. You’d know someone there already, so just think about it ok?”

“There’s another group that meets on Wednesday nights. Perhaps another semester?” Jay replied honestly.

“That’s fine. Do you mind if I give you a flyer just in case you change your mind?”

Jay told him that would be fine. Pax handed over the flyer with the biggest smile on his face. It was so giddy that it seemed fake, but Jay couldn’t be sure. He bid Pax farewell. Pax lingered for a moment telling him how much of a blessing it was to have met him. Jay had never heard that description about a five-minute discussion upon a first meeting before. Jay sighed. Campus was weird.



Julia exhaled when she saw the view. Lyra had turned around within the past week. Instead of simply staying inside, sitting at the same spot all day, she wanted nothing else than to be outside. For hours on end they walked around town, in the forest, by the river. It was refreshing at first, but Julia was getting tired. Yet she didn’t want Lyra’s happiness to end. So she put up with the constant walking and after the first day where she had become dehydrated from all the walking, she determined to always carry water alongside her.

Lyra still didn’t talk, but when she glanced at the multi-colored leaves waving in the wind, Julia saw the faintest hint of a smile. Those brief moments made all the hardships worth it, all the loneliness, the depressing atmosphere and all. Everything was worth it to see Lyra forget.

Today they stopped by the river and decided to eat, lay down on the grass a while. Julia ventured to dip her toes in the water, while Lyra ran into the water fully clothed submersing herself within seconds. It was way too cold for Julia’s taste.

“Come in!” Lyra called out.

Julia froze. She really wanted to say no, but she felt compromised. Instead of over-thinking it, she spoke, “Do I have a choice in the matter?”

“No,” Lyra beamed laughing.

Julia didn’t want to walk back in soaking clothes. She stripped down to her bra and underwear and slowly made her way to the water. With every step in she let out a scream.

“It’s so cold!” Julia grunted, laughing through it all.

“Just get in already,” Lyra challenged.

Julia walked faster finding herself submerging to her neck. She left out an exasperated gasp as her body tried to adjust to the temperatures. Inside she knew there was no way they wouldn’t get sick from this. Lyra couldn’t handle the sickness, but she also couldn’t just be inside. Julia knew she might ruin everything by having agreed to this, but the temporary, fleeting happiness…she didn’t want that to pass. She had to hold onto it as long as she could.



Jeremy walked towards the Droplet interest meeting. He needed some Christian fellowship again and he was hoping that this would be the answer. Pax, the guy who told him about the meeting, went straight to his side.

“You made it!” Pax called out. He continued stating he wasn’t sure if he was going to show. “I’m glad you did though.”

“I really need friends,” Jeremy admitted sheepishly.

“Ok,” Pax responded flustered.

“I’m sorry, that came out weird.”

“It’s ok. I understand. I didn’t always fit in with Droplet.”

“I feel like I can trust you. Can we talk?” Jeremy asked hopefully.

“Uh…yeah. I’m kind of busy during the meeting, but we can talk later certainly.”

“Is that girl with you?”

“Who Jaden? No, she’s sick with the flu. Wait hold up. You didn’t just come here because you have the hots for her, did you?”

“No,” Jeremy said staring at the sidewalk. “At least it wasn’t the main reason why.”

“Be careful. She’s a tough girl.”

“Ok,” Jeremy replied sighing.

“Hey,” Pax said gently gripping his arm. “I love your honesty. We’ll definitely talk later, ok?”

Jeremy nodded. Pax then walked away, telling him he needed to make the rounds. Jeremy knew he should go and introduce himself, but he found the words wouldn’t come out. Within seconds someone else walked up to him introducing with the brightest smile he had ever seen. Yep, he had made the right choice. He saw in the distance that Pax was looking towards him and smiling. Droplet certainly seemed appealing so far from the interest meeting. Before he knew it another group of people came over to him introducing themselves. He knew then he could be comfortable here.



Jay walked into the building. This experience would be different. It had to be. Pax had invited him to Droplet, the biggest Christian group on campus. Jeremy also invited him to Droplet. Droplet could work great for Jeremy, but Jay didn’t want that anymore. He needed to embrace who he was. He had never had a good gay-straight alliance experience in high school, but hopefully that would all change in college. He really needed gay friends. He had had a boyfriend, but never really a gay friend where the sexual tension didn’t get in the way.

As he walked in the door, Gil raced over to him, instantly hugging him.

“I never thought we’d be on the same campus!” Gil exclaimed as he continued stating that he was thrilled to see him. “Everybody, this is Jay. He’s the guy who helped me out of the closet.”

“I’m not that special,” Jay stated uncomfortably as Gil side hugged him tightly.

“Bull,” Gil said showing the whites of his teeth. “Come in, buddy,” Gil stated as he led him to a seat.

Perhaps having a gay friend without the sexual tensions wasn’t everything it was cracked up to be. He felt so awkward that he felt his heart would explode from the sheer embarrassment of being ousted the moment he walked into the meeting. Things had to change. Nothing made him feel more alone than knowing he didn’t belong, even to his own sexuality. While he was definitely gay, he always felt ostracized, even by the gay community. This was a mistake. Was this truly as good as it gets? As he sat there listening to everyone laughing and smiling at each other, he had never felt more alone.



“Just give us a taste of who this girl is who’s stolen your heart,” Damien said.

Vance nodded, “Yeah, don’t leave us in the dark.”

“She’s incredible. Jez is the sweetest person I’ve ever met. I always feel like she listens to me,” Kerass stated, his eyes glossy. He went on to say that she had changed his life. “I mean, nobody compares to her. She’s the greatest girlfriend in the world.”

Damien rolled his eyes. Of course Kerass felt that way. He had felt the same way about Jay at one point, but that was a while ago. He knew now the feelings were fleeting if the love wasn’t real.

“Hey, you were the ones who asked me to share!” Kerass challenged.

“Yes, but you didn’t share,” Vance calmly replied. “See, I know you feel strongly for her, but I know nothing about her other than she’s the supposed ‘greatest girlfriend ever’,” he stated using air quotes. “I know nothing about her. What does she like?”

“She likes me. Isn’t that enough?”

“I don’t think so, man,” Vance shook his head.

“Yeah, Vance is right,” Damien tacked on. “It can’t just be about what she does for you. You’ve gotta do some things for her. That involves listening to her.”

“Whatever. I know she loves me and that’s all that matters,” Kerass said with a defensive tone. “I’ve got to get back to homework, anyways,” he said whilst standing up.

“No, Kerass, don’t leave angry,” Damien called after him, but Kerass had already left.

“You’ve got some weird people in your life,” Vance observed calmly.

“He’s going through a rough time.”

“Clearly,” Vance nodded in agreement.

“Why won’t he open up?”

“That’s not something you can force out of someone, Damien.”

Damien nodded. It was hard seeing Kerass be so defensive, but it didn’t matter. He knew Kerass was strong, he’d survive this. Yet, Damien couldn’t help but worry about him.



Kerass beamed as she walked over to him. What a surprise! His girlfriend Jez showed up to campus. Overwhelmed by the support that he was shown by her, he raced to her, opening his arms to hug her, but she remained distant.

“Why didn’t you text me back? Do you realize I’ve been waiting for an hour and a half for you?” Jez said. Her voice rose as she asked how he could do that to her.

“I’m sorry! I was with the guys. Had I know you were here I would’ve ditched them.”

“That’s a lie.”

“No, it’s not!” Kerass defended himself.

“Is everything ok?” Damien said as he walked over to them. Kerass looked at him helplessly. Jez slapped Kerass. Kerass felt a drop of blood drip down from his cheek releasing over his chin. As he stood there trying to figure out what had happened, he heard laughter from others around him, cheers, prodding her on. As he tried to collect his breath, she slapped him again.

Fallen Leaves - Chapter 41: I Want

The wind picked up, stronger than Jay had ever felt it before. It was hard to believe a week had already past since he had begun classes at Evergreen Forest. He had thought there was nothing to do in Oak Stream. There was even less in Evergreen Forest. Like high school before, there didn’t seem to be a world outside the perimeters of the campus.

His roommate was constantly AWOL. Apart from the first night, he couldn’t recall any other time his roommate had been in the room. For the life of him, Jay couldn’t even remember his name. Oddly enough he had yet to run across Jeremy on campus. After graduation they had slowly drifted apart. It was nothing major, it just sort of happened. Sure it was disappointing, but it seemed effortless. He wouldn’t mind seeing Jeremy, even grabbing a meal with him, but he wasn’t going to go out of his way to call him either.

It was strange how quickly high school slipped away from him. It was no longer a part of his DNA, his identity. None of them said goodbye to each other. There were no graduation parties, no going away parties, none of that. He hadn’t spoken to Kerass since before graduation. The only person who had reached out to him was Lyra and that wasn’t even in person. For a while Damien called him weekly, but eventually the phone calls grew shorter and they grew to realize aside from both being gay and having found each other attractive at one point, they shared nothing in common, but at least things were amicable with Damien. Things didn’t bother him about Damien anymore. The letter from his mother, however, did. While it gave a sense of finality, it hurt him deeper than he thought was imaginable. At the time he was grateful, but in hindsight he wished she would’ve remained a mystery, never to reach out again. His fantasies of a loving mother that thought about him, that wanted him were silenced by words on paper.

Attempting to convince himself that people cared did no good. Nobody understood and he didn’t believe they ever would. He hadn’t even shown his father that letter. He didn’t think he ever could. It had barely been a week and he already felt like he missed high school. He had been lying to himself. That would change though. He did care about his friends, deeply. If he didn’t pursue them, they would definitely lose touch. No one would pursue him, but that didn’t matter. He had been an instigator. Losing sight of what mattered, he promised himself he would stop being passive and act.

Pulling out his phone he called Jeremy. Within two rings, Jeremy picked up. “I was hoping you would call,” Jeremy said. “I was waiting for you to reach out again.”

“I just needed time away,” Jay sheepishly admitted.

“I know. We all reacted to the end of high school differently. It’s truly like a break up.”

“That’s one way of putting it,” Jay replied bewildered by the comparison.

“You wanna meet at the student center? I don’t even know what dorm you’re living at.”

“Stuart.”

“Oh! Lucky, lucky, lucky.”

“Meet you in five?”

“Yeah. That’s fine.”

“Cool, I’ll see you then.”

Hanging up, Jay put his phone back in his pocket. The wind changed direction pushing him along on his journey to the student center. It was as if nature was encouraging him back towards Jeremy. It truly had been far too long.



Kerass breathed through his mouth as he gracefully pulled the barbells back towards his chest. Damien challenged him to lift five more times on the bench press. Kerass grunted in reply.

“Come on, you know you can do this,” Damien said slightly encouraging, slightly laughing to the side.

“You always were stronger than me. You couldn’t help lording that over me the first time we met.”

“Less talking, more lifting,” Damien gently chastised. He encouraged him to push as hard as he could. “Only two more lifts, bud.”

Kerass, with one final push, let out a guttural screech. Damien patted him on the back as Kerass sat up. Kerass grabbed his towel and wiped the sweat off his beet-red face.

“You gotta learn to breathe better broseph.”

“Never call me that again,” Kerass stated glaring at him.

“Whatev man. You’re a little scrawny. When was the last time you hit the gym?”

“It’s been about a year and a half.”

“No! Really?”

“You betcha. I got injured multiple times during football junior year and then senior year I didn’t play. I didn’t overeat, but I neglected my body in other ways.”

“Obviously.”

“Hey, why didn’t Vance join us? I thought you said you two were good friends.”

“Yeah, we are. He’s not a gym person.”

“He stronger than you?”

Damien nodded.

“You’re lying.”

“No, I’m not. He’s definitely got me beat.”

Kerass froze. It was odd seeing Damien be so humble. It wasn’t the Damien he remembered, nor was he the guy he thought he could be comfortable with. Was it even possible to suggest that Damien matured the past two years at college? Moving past his thoughts, Kerass asked if they were meeting Vance for a meal afterwards.

“Yeah, he’s been very interested in meeting you, which if you knew him and how private he is, you’d realize how big of a compliment that is.”

“Why would he be excited to meet me? I’m nothing more than a freshman.”

“Oh come off it, Kerass. Have you lost your confidence in the past two years?”

“Yeah, maybe I have,” Kerass slipped out. He was amazed at how easily he admitted it. “But someone’s been helping me with that.”

“Are we dating someone?”

“No, you’re not dating anyone. I, however, am.”

“A girl?”

“Oh like you have to ask,” Kerass replied joking, but disgruntled at the same time.

“Does this girl have a name?”

“Yes,” Kerass rolled his eyes. “It’s not Cadence by the way.”

“Oh, I knew that. Great girl, but you two were never good together.”

Kerass wasn’t convinced that was true, but he didn’t want to challenge the thought right then. He kept going back and forth on whether they were healthy for each other or not. The communications had been open over the summer, but they always felt forced, awkward. She had started dating someone new and his semester started so the line of communication dropped abruptly, not that Kerass was complaining about that.

“It’s Lyra, isn’t it?” Damien asked.

“No, I haven’t spoken to her at all. How do you even know about her?”

“Jay said some things.”

“Of course he did, that blabbermouth.”

“Well…he is, but he cares for you.”

“Her name’s Jez,” Kerass stealthily replied.

“Will I get to meet her?”

“Sure, I guess. She’s back home. Stayed behind at the community college.”

Damien held up his finger as he took a phone call. Kerass thought this would be the perfect moment to text Jez. She was ravenously beautiful. Their relationship reminded him about Julia a lot, except he didn’t feel like he found Jez on the rebound. She was different, definitely commanding, but she still wanted to hear what he had to say and she always apologized afterwards. There was no need to because they both knew he would always forgive her. Damien’s finger snapping in his face brought him back to the gym.

“He’s ready for us. Come on, let’s go,” Damien said ushering him out.



Jeremy still had trouble finding out where the student center was. Somehow he always got lost on his way around campus. A guy and a girl were standing outside a building. When he read the top, he congratulated himself on finding the student center once again.

“Hey,” the girl called out to him. “You look lost. Do you need help finding where to go?”

“No, actually,” Jeremy replied stating he just found it.

“Are you a freshman?” the guy asked.

Jeremy nodded.

“Ok, well I’m Jaden and this is Pax,” the girl, Jaden, introduced themselves.

“We’ve got a three-question survey for you. It’s for freshmen and we’ll give you candy afterwards,” Pax added.

Jeremy could already tell where this was going. He wanted nothing to do with any surveys, but they had offered at first to help him find where he’s going. “Why don’t we skip the survey and candy altogether and you can just tell me what you’re selling.”

Pax burst out laughing. “I like your style.”

“We’re not supposed to,” Jaden shook her head.

“Who gives a rip? We’re simply answering a question.”

Jaden conceded but continued to glare at Pax the whole time.

“Well, we’re a part of a Christian group on campus and we’re trying to gauge whether people would like to join, at least for one weekly meeting, or an interest meeting for that matter.”

“What’s it called?” Jeremy asked.

“Droplet.”

“When does it meet?”

“Interest meeting’s this Wednesday at 8.”

“Sure, I’ll be there,” Jeremy said nonchalantly, as he started to walk away.

“Can I get your name bud?” Pax called out after him.

“Jeremy.”

The group sounded awesome. He could have Christian community again. He needed a place to vent his struggles to and they always seemed so willing to listen. He knew he wasn’t a good Christian, but that didn’t matter. The main reason he said yes wasn’t what they were thinking though. Jaden was so hot that he couldn’t stop thinking about her.



Julia shook her head. Lyra was having one of her spells again. If she was in pain, Julia could understand, but Lyra was just beating herself up for no particular reason. She wasn’t speaking to her again. Whatever. It didn’t really matter because Julia was going to stay there that day anyways. She believed it was good for Lyra to have someone who sat with her while she was…well, there was no other word for it, she was depressed. It was understandable given the circumstances, but if she talked about it, remained positive, Julia firmly believed it would be a different experience. Her heart skipped a beat when she heard the landline ringing. In a bizarre choice of defiance against the world, Lyra had chosen early on that she would never have a cell phone. It was a long-winded story that Julia truthfully tuned out when Lyra spelled it out to her.

She recognized the voice instantly. “Hey Gus,” Julia replied solemnly. “I’m sorry, I’m not sure if she’s up for talking today.”

“Give me the phone,” Lyra said standing over her shoulder. It was the first time that day Julia had seen her move from the couch.

Lyra had a weird quirk where she held the phone away from her ear. Julia could hear every word Gus was saying and while she knew she should keep her ears shut, she cared too much about Lyra’s well being to not listen in.

“You’re not feeling too hot today, huh?” Gus asked.

“No,” Lyra replied stoically.

“That’s all right. You don’t have to talk about it.”

“You know, don’t you?”

“Yeah, I do.”

“Why didn’t you ask me about it?”

“It’s not my business. I’m reaching out, trying to be a friend. I mean, ever since the bomb threat, you’ve made it clear it wasn’t something you wanted to share with me.”

“Did you know then?”

“No.”

“I want my life to be different.”

Gus took a long time to respond, which deeply concerned Julia. She drew a sigh of relief when he finally replied, “I know.”

“Does Kerass know?”

“No,” Gus said. There was a long pause. “He’s adjusting to college life same as I am.”

“Yet you’re the one calling.”

“I didn’t have the falling out with him that you did. Sorry Lyra, I won’t budge on that. You brought that upon yourself.”

“I thought you were supposed to make me feel better.”

“No, that’s not my job. That decision’s up to you. I’m here to listen, certainly, and I’ll keep calling you, but you and I both know it’s better to be honest, to hear the truth than to have someone in your life who simply cheers you up.”

“Whatever…have you spoken with Cadence?”

“You caught me there. I haven’t spoken to her since before graduation day.”

“Avoiding her, are you?”

“Not at all. All she has to do is reach out.”

“Well maybe she will.”

“I’m sorry to cut this short, but I gotta go Lyra. Feel better. You can expect a call next week.”

“Always,” Lyra replied and then she hung up the phone.

“You ok?” Julia asked. She prodded asking if everything was all right between her and Gus. “That seemed a little intense.”

“It wasn’t intense, it was just Gus. Nothing wrong with that. It’s not like we’re dating or anything. He’s just a friend, a beautifully observant friend.”

“I’ll take that to mean that you’re feeling better now?”

Lyra nodded and then proceeded to sit back down in the same spot on the couch that had now become imprinted with the outline of her body. It truly was sad seeing Lyra do nothing but sit on her couch all day, but Julia would soon leave for the day. All she could hope for was that Lyra would feel more upbeat tomorrow. Gus truly was a great friend to Lyra. Julia selfishly wished she could have a friend like Gus, but for now she had to be the stronger one. Lyra could never know the pain she felt sitting with her all day.



Cadence looked at herself in the bathroom mirror. The discoloration was there, but only obvious if you looked for it. No one would be able to tell. The black eye was well concealed.