The forest seemed quieter than usual. There was no rustling of leaves, no birds singing, not even the faintest hint of wind. The stillness had an eerie quality about it. Death seemed to permeate the air. A slight mist started to come down from the leaves of the forest. It was like the forest itself was mourning.
Cadence took in her surroundings trying to understand why she was so miserable on this hike. The forest was so beautiful and before she had gotten together with Gus, she had never really taken the time to explore the forest that lay beside Oak Stream. The forest was menacing in the mist. The fact that they kept avoiding telling Kerass about their relationship status continued to weigh heavier and heavier on her shoulders.
The sound of the stream disrupted her thoughts. It was so odd. In the entirety of her life, she could not remember a single time hiking to the actual stream that Oak Stream was named after. Granted, as the forest grew up throughout the 200-year history of the town, the settlements, or Main Street in particular, grew further and further away from the stream. It took a little over an hour to hike to the stream. There was no road that led to it, so the only way to get to it was by hiking.
The stream roared beside them as they sat down on a giant rock that both touched the land and the stream. She smiled at him, but his gaze didn’t maintain, instead it drifted down to the raging water.
Cadence asked him what was wrong, but he just shook his head at her.
“I know, Cadence.”
“You know what?” she asked baffled.
“London. I stayed in the same hotel you were at when you were there two summers ago. Similar friends mingled, although oddly enough we never exchanged pleasantries.”
Cadence stopped Gus in his tracks. “Where is this going exactly?” she asked filled with apprehension.
“I know about your father.”
Cadence gasped.
“I know what he did to you,” Gus said gentler than she had ever heard him speak.
Their phones beeped simultaneously signifying a text message . Through nonverbals their gaze told each other it was fine to look. What Cadence read made her mouth drop: Kerass’ mom passed away.
Gus and Cadence stared at each other and in that instance she knew that this conversation that they so desperately needed to have would have to be put on hold like nearly everything else in their lives.
The ring tone went off startling Kerass back to reality. He was lying on the couch. Leaning over, he grabbed his cell, acknowledging that Jay was calling. He ignored it, which he knew in the moment would later come to bite him but he just couldn’t deal with Jay’s extravagant showcase of tears and sympathy. It truly made Kerass sick.
At least the guys in the Christian group had given him some semblance of space. They saw him in school individually either in between classes in the halls, or in the parking lot after school had ended. They all hugged him, told him they loved him, and that if he ever needed to talk to not be afraid to pick up the phone or to grab them in person. He thanked them genuinely, but internally he knew he would never dialog with them about this. He couldn’t even dialog with himself about this, so how could he even begin to attempt to dialog with them, good guys, but buddies he had met less than a month ago. They all promised him that they’d show up for the funeral as well. He told them it didn’t matter, he wouldn’t be able to truly acknowledge anyone’s presence there anyways because whether he showed it externally or not, he’d be a mess. Jeremy had been the only one to reply something else other than pleasantries to that. He had replied, “Listen, man, if this causes you to go over the edge, to I don’t know, have a crisis of faith, please talk with one of the brothers. Emotions aren’t meant to bristle inside.” Kerass was dumbfounded in how to respond to that, so he just nodded his head before he walked away.
Jay, on the other hand, had called him every day that week, but this morning was different. The funeral was in 5 hours and he simply didn’t want to deal with anyone today. Where do broken hearts go? he asked himself. They walk straight into the funeral service.
The doorbell rang. Kerass didn’t budge. He couldn’t move. He wasn’t even sure if he wanted to. The doorbell rang a second time. It was immediately followed by a knock on the door. One leg slid to the floor, the other followed suit. Slowly, Kerass rose up one vertebrae at a time. When he opened the door, Lyra stood before him with two lines of smeared mascara rolling down her face. Not a word was spoken. It was evident to him that she simply wanted to be with him in his time of need, in his time of mourning. She had been the only one so far to understand that the silence was what he wanted. The quiet helped him cope.
They sat on the couch in silence, clutching each other, and openly weeping together.
The men’s room inside Kerass’s father’s church was bigger than Jay had expected, spacious even. Kerass was washing his hands for the third time since Jay had entered the restroom. Forehead perspiring, or was it simply that he kept running water across his forehead? Whatever the case, Kerass looked like a wreck, understandably so, but concernedly he wasn’t crying. He had never looked so dead inside.
The fluorescent lights flashed off of something silver in Kerass’s hand. Jay couldn’t believe it. Kerass had taken off his cross necklace. He had worn that necklace every day since 6th grade. It was almost like he was unclad without it. Kerass spun it around his fingers. It nicked another man walking into the restroom. Jay had to bite his tongue from laughing. Immediately following that he felt horrible for almost laughing before a funeral, the funeral of his best friend’s mother no less.
Kerass never even noticed, or acknowledged at the very least, that Jay was even in the same bathroom. Looking over his shoulder, Kerass stealthily and slowly slipped the silver cross necklace into the trash.
Jay bit his tongue shouting an expletive in his mind. He had called Kerass all week, but when it came to confronting him in person, he froze. In spite of himself, he couldn’t help but notice before he left the restroom that Kerass, wearing a suit, was in long sleeves again. He wondered how many times Kerass had cut himself since his mother flatlined. The number was most likely in the hundreds…if not the thousands.
The funeral opened with the hymn Be Thou My Vision. Kerass sat in the front row alone as his father sat beside the podium. Mr. Baganz put his hand on Kerass’s shoulder giving it a gentle squeeze. Kerass put his hand on top of Mr. Baganz's, acknowledging it and silently thanking him for his comfort and care.
Kerass knew the lyrics by heart, but there was something different about this time. This time he actually paid attention to what the lyrics were saying. In the middle of the fourth verse, he saw the words ‘thou and thou only, first in my heart’. He couldn’t do it. He simply could not open his mouth to speak along. God hadn’t been Kerass’s first for a while. His mother had taken that place ever since the accident before high school had even begun. God had taken away his first from him, more specifically his father had, the pastor of this church. Any sense of comfort from the Lord had disappeared when the plug was pulled. For the rest of the hymn, he remained silent. Kerass cursed and spat at God in his mind. He imagined punching his father in front of the congregation. The only reason he didn’t do so was out of respect for the memory of his mother.
His father stepped up to the podium, putting a fist to his chest twice to clear his throat before he welcomed everyone, thanking them for showing up to the funeral of his dearly beloved wife. Kerass was already bitter toward his father even before he opened his mouth to speak. Didn’t anybody find it odd that he was officiating the funeral of his wife? Shouldn’t he be crying up a river? Nope, instead he disturbingly smiled. “The love of my life is with our Lord Jesus in heaven now.”
Perhaps no one else was disturbed by his almost sinister smile, but Kerass knew better. His father took this funeral to tell the story that was the foundation of the Christian faith, the story of the death of Jesus Christ, the son of God, on a cross, and his resurrection from the dead 3 days later. Kerass used to love the story of the cross and resurrection as a child, but now it irked him more than anything. He was too familiar with it and he couldn’t stand that every opportunity his father got, he gave the same message over and over and over again.
The most horrid thing, some would even claim it macabre, and rightly so, was that he knew his father didn’t really believe it. Kerass had had a conversation with his father the night after the plug was pulled. His father had said that he would lose his job as a pastor and every cent of income if the congregation found out that he instigated his wife’s passing. As far as anyone in the congregation, or even his high school friends knew, it was a fault in the equipment, an act of God, not a doctor forcing the plug out of the outlet. His father had said that everything, the entire reason this death even happened, would be for naught if the congregation knew. Kerass spited his father. He was truly sick and demented, a monster in the truest sense of the word. If only the people sitting behind him knew, if only they knew the truth…but that would never happen. His father would take this secret to the grave, that part was undeniable. There was nothing more important to his father than being a pastor, even if he was completely and utterly hypocritical preaching from the pulpit.
Kerass tuned out his father’s sermon. He had learned to do so ever since he was 3 years old and was scolded to keep quiet during the service. In his mind, kids should be kids, and he couldn’t stand that other parents followed his father like a lighthouse beam on the sea. His father had royally screwed him up and he could see it in the eyes of the children, they all started to hate church and that more than likely would never stop.
The final hymn before the procession out of the sanctuary was When I Survey the Wondrous Cross. Again, emphasizing Jesus over his mother, whose actual funeral it was. Really no words had been spoken about her. Kerass was stunned by how quickly the memory of her voice, her laugh was already fading.
He would never do this again. He would never step into his father’s house again. He needed to leave. All the people trying to comfort him, hug him, invading his personal bubble, the fakeness of the congregation disturbed him to his very core. Kerass swore to himself that he would never go to another church service ever again and if there was one thing he knew he could count on, it was the promises he made to himself.
He didn’t know where he would go, or if he would even stay in Oak Stream. He stood up during the final verse and started walking out of the building. He could sense Mr. Baganz’s, Cadence’s, and Jay’s eyes turning and following him down the isle. The last words he heard before the front doors shut behind him were: ‘love so amazing, so divine, demands my soul, my life, my all’.
End of Year 3
Sunday, August 16, 2015
Sunday, August 9, 2015
Fallen Leaves - Chapter 29: Happily
The police officer looked straight into Julia’s eyes. Julia breathed deeply demanding her body not to cry. She just wanted this to be over. First her car ran out of gas and now this? It was too much.
“Is everything ok, miss?”
Julia shook her head unable to help herself as she started to cry, audibly gasping for breath.
“What seems to be the problem?”
“I, I’ve, I’ve run out of gas,” Julia said fumbling with her words.
“Oh, well that’s something we can easily fix, now can’t we?”
Julia nodded.
“You in school around here?” the officer asked.
“Yes and no,” Julia answered. She continued to explain that she was a senior but she attended Oak Stream High.
“Oak Stream?” the officer asked bewildered. “What, isn’t that about a 13 hour drive from here?”
Julia said nothing.
“Well, let’s get you some gas.”
Phew! Julia let out a sigh of relief internally. Perhaps things would be all right after all. Julia respected the officer for not prying as to why she had driven so far away from home. It seemed odd to have had such a brief conversation and feel like your life had meaning and purpose once again. That wasn’t the officer’s intention, she was sure of that, but she had honestly never thought about women police officers before. She wasn’t anything like what she was expecting. She was kind and helpful. Julia had always envisioned police officers as harsh, intimidating, maybe even a little bit cruel. This was different.
They didn’t exchange any more words together other than pleasantries, a thank you from Julia, and a good luck wish from the police officer. Nothing needed to be said. She knew it was time to return home and face her problems. It would certainly be difficult and she was sure that Kerass and Jay were worried about her, but it was all going to be fine, she tried to convince herself. As she drove home, she started envisioning herself in a uniform. It looked good on her. It seemed right in her mind. The time had definitely come for her high school career to end.
Kerass clicked his tongue twice before he knocked on Cadence’s door. He tapped his leg in anticipation as the door opened slightly. Lyra stood in the door.
“I’m pet sitting,” she quickly explained.
“She’s still not back?” Kerass asked dumbfounded. It was a rhetorical question, but Lyra nonverbally responded by shaking her head anyway.
“We were supposed to study together, for the SATs, you see…” Kerass trailed, but he knew ultimately that it was meaningless.
“Well, why can’t we study together?”
Kerass was taken aback. It seemed so obvious. He was surprised by how oblivious he was to the whole thing.
Lyra continued to explain they all needed some extra help in prepping for the SATs. “That’s why I’m spending time here. I brought a study book and all.”
“That’s a great idea actually.”
“Come on in,” Lyra said beaming. “Any friend of Cadence is a dear friend of mine.”
“Thanks, I guess,” Kerass added uneasy. He remembered saying something to the same extent to Cadence about Lyra before the play had begun. Now on the opposing end, hearing it out loud about himself, it seemed really awkward and it just didn’t settle well with Kerass.
“Who was at the door, Lyra?” Cadence’s mom called out from the kitchen.
“Mrs. Harris!?” Kerass uttered floored.
“Kerass!” Cadence’s mom yelled with excitement. “It’s lovely to see you.”
Kerass stammered trying to be polite. He couldn’t remember exactly when he had met Mrs. Harris or if they had ever met in person period. He knew what she looked like through photos and the like, but Mrs. Harris acted as if Cadence and Kerass had grown up together from the age of 3 or something. It was slightly uncomfortable, but Kerass thought he handled it with class.
“Wait, where’s Cadence?”
“Oh, didn’t she tell you?” Mrs. Harris responded. “She’s helping out on a farm with Gus for the weekend.”
Kerass stared at Lyra trying to understand. It only took 3 seconds, but in his mind it felt like 10 minutes. Cadence told him that she would be out of town. Gus told him that he had to help out at his boss’ brother’s farm. No wonder he wanted a friendship like Cadence had with Gus. They were dating each other. How had he missed this before? He cursed himself internally for being so blind. The moment he thought it, the more obvious it became in his mind. He exhaled trying to let it go and move on.
“That’s great,” Kerass replied half-heartedly. “Sorry, we really need to study now.”
“Yeah,” Lyra dragged the word out.
“Well, I’ll let you two be. Make sure you say goodbye before you leave!”
“Sure,” Kerass added in a throaty whisper.
It doesn’t matter…Kerass tried to convince himself. Internally a piece of his heart shattered. He hadn’t wanted to be Cadence’s friend. He had been lying to himself. Truthfully, he wanted to be her boyfriend and well, that wasn’t going to happen anymore. He asked himself whether he could still be Cadence’s friend. He didn’t know, truly. He had to wait to see how he would react once he saw them in the open together. For now, he was going to keep it all to himself.
“You ready?” Lyra asked him disturbing his thoughts.
“What? Sorry, yeah, totally.”
He would happily study with Lyra. Studying with her would be a much-needed break. It would be interesting to say the least. They hadn’t exchanged a word together before she answered the door, but she already felt very comfortable around him. It was a little odd, but what could he do? She seemed fine, plus he needed a study partner desperately, but he feared his mind would be elsewhere. It was already drifting away. One thing was certain: he wouldn’t retain any of the information he and Lyra were studying that afternoon.
Jay pulled into the school parking lot at 6 a.m. It was way too early for a Saturday, but that’s what happened when you took the SATs. The system always tried to screw you. He took that back in his mind. That was way too harsh and spiteful. It wasn’t true. He just didn’t want to be up this early on the weekend.
Jeremy unbuckled his seat belt thanking Jay for the ride.
“Sure, no problem,” Jay said. He put his hand on Jeremy’s shoulder sitting him back down. “I want to talk about something.”
“Before the SATs man?”
“I think Kerass is cutting himself.”
Jeremy’s face changed ever so slightly. A pensive gaze into the distance struck his face in that moment. As quickly as his face changed, he was back and said, “That’s quite the accusation. Do you have any proof?”
“Well, no. It’s really only speculation.”
“Jay, what is the matter with you?”
Taken aback, Jay remained silent. He recognized later that his drilling of Kerass in front of the other guys, and the entire stands for that matter, wasn’t the best way of going about it. He needed to do that in private, he knew that, but it was just so obvious that there was something that was going on with Kerass. The others had only just met Kerass. How could they possibly know what was up with him? They couldn’t. The fact that Kerass was lying was of severe concern.
“You don’t know him like I do,” Jay retorted.
“You’re just full of opinions, aren’t you?”
Jay was on the verge to throw sass back at him, but Jeremy continued to speak before Jay could budge a word in edgewise.
“Even if it were true, which I have serious doubts about, it’s none of your damn business.”
Commanding himself not to react was very difficult. Jay had almost audibly gasped. This was the first time Jeremy had cursed, albeit a very small one, in front of Jay.
“I’m sorry, I’m…tired, I guess,” Jeremy said in a mock apology that Jay didn’t believe for a single second. “So what if he’s cutting himself? Don’t confront him on it. Let him come to you about it.”
Jeremy walked out of the car leaving Jay shaken.
“It’s been a week,” Cadence told Gus in the car ride to the school.
“We’re gonna be late if we hit another red light,” Gus replied.
Cadence scoffed. He was avoiding the question again. When should they share about their relationship with Kerass? It was a delicate situation and needed to be treated with the utmost care.
“What do you want me to say?”
“Say that you’ll talk to him,” Cadence inferred.
“Oh no,” Gus said shaking his head. “You were the one who wanted to share with him in the first place.”
“Of course,” Cadence began. She continued saying that Kerass’s friendship was extremely important to her and that honesty in that friendship was the crux, the core of the foundation. “He deserves to know.”
“You know what I think.”
“We’re not freshmen anymore!” Cadence nearly screamed at him.
“Let me remind you I didn’t know either of you during freshmen year. I was in London freshmen year actually, but you’re right. We’re all a lot more mature than freshmen year, thank God,” Gus said whispering the last two words. “The timing is totally off though. He’s still really beat up over the loss of the football team.”
“If you love me, you’ll tell him,” Cadence jibed.
“Now who’s to say we’re not freshmen?”
Cadence cracked a smile. “I was only kidding…sort of.”
As they pulled into the school parking lot, Cadence asked him one last time “So, are you gonna talk to him or not?”
Kerass stood at the foot of his mother’s bed in the hospital holding his breath. Every part of him moaned with remorse and sadness. It was his fault. It was all his fault. The first tear fell, but was quickly joined by a river that didn’t stop. It felt like he would be crying forever. He felt like he would never feel happiness again. It was impossible.
His father had pulled him aside that morning, right before he drove to take the SATs, and sat him down at the kitchen table. They didn’t have the money anymore. They could no longer pay for his mother’s treatment at the hospital, not without draining his college funds. Kerass had been completely willing to drain the funds, even begged his father to do so. His father told him that he refused to let Kerass throw his life away. The following words would be etched in Kerass’s mind forever, he would make certain of that. “She’s not going to wake up, Kerass. She’s never going to wake up.”
It wasn’t true what they said, Kerass noted. He had read in novels and the like that there was a glow over someone as they passed on, a beauty in death. No, there wasn’t. It was a complete lie. His mother had possibly never looked more frail, more ugly.
His father nodded to the doctor. The plug was pulled. The heartbeat remained for another 15 seconds. Kerass couldn’t even look at her face, he stared at the heart rate monitor.
Thump thump…
Thump thump…
Thump……
Thump………………
Thump……………………………………………………
…………………………………………………………………………………………………
“Is everything ok, miss?”
Julia shook her head unable to help herself as she started to cry, audibly gasping for breath.
“What seems to be the problem?”
“I, I’ve, I’ve run out of gas,” Julia said fumbling with her words.
“Oh, well that’s something we can easily fix, now can’t we?”
Julia nodded.
“You in school around here?” the officer asked.
“Yes and no,” Julia answered. She continued to explain that she was a senior but she attended Oak Stream High.
“Oak Stream?” the officer asked bewildered. “What, isn’t that about a 13 hour drive from here?”
Julia said nothing.
“Well, let’s get you some gas.”
Phew! Julia let out a sigh of relief internally. Perhaps things would be all right after all. Julia respected the officer for not prying as to why she had driven so far away from home. It seemed odd to have had such a brief conversation and feel like your life had meaning and purpose once again. That wasn’t the officer’s intention, she was sure of that, but she had honestly never thought about women police officers before. She wasn’t anything like what she was expecting. She was kind and helpful. Julia had always envisioned police officers as harsh, intimidating, maybe even a little bit cruel. This was different.
They didn’t exchange any more words together other than pleasantries, a thank you from Julia, and a good luck wish from the police officer. Nothing needed to be said. She knew it was time to return home and face her problems. It would certainly be difficult and she was sure that Kerass and Jay were worried about her, but it was all going to be fine, she tried to convince herself. As she drove home, she started envisioning herself in a uniform. It looked good on her. It seemed right in her mind. The time had definitely come for her high school career to end.
Kerass clicked his tongue twice before he knocked on Cadence’s door. He tapped his leg in anticipation as the door opened slightly. Lyra stood in the door.
“I’m pet sitting,” she quickly explained.
“She’s still not back?” Kerass asked dumbfounded. It was a rhetorical question, but Lyra nonverbally responded by shaking her head anyway.
“We were supposed to study together, for the SATs, you see…” Kerass trailed, but he knew ultimately that it was meaningless.
“Well, why can’t we study together?”
Kerass was taken aback. It seemed so obvious. He was surprised by how oblivious he was to the whole thing.
Lyra continued to explain they all needed some extra help in prepping for the SATs. “That’s why I’m spending time here. I brought a study book and all.”
“That’s a great idea actually.”
“Come on in,” Lyra said beaming. “Any friend of Cadence is a dear friend of mine.”
“Thanks, I guess,” Kerass added uneasy. He remembered saying something to the same extent to Cadence about Lyra before the play had begun. Now on the opposing end, hearing it out loud about himself, it seemed really awkward and it just didn’t settle well with Kerass.
“Who was at the door, Lyra?” Cadence’s mom called out from the kitchen.
“Mrs. Harris!?” Kerass uttered floored.
“Kerass!” Cadence’s mom yelled with excitement. “It’s lovely to see you.”
Kerass stammered trying to be polite. He couldn’t remember exactly when he had met Mrs. Harris or if they had ever met in person period. He knew what she looked like through photos and the like, but Mrs. Harris acted as if Cadence and Kerass had grown up together from the age of 3 or something. It was slightly uncomfortable, but Kerass thought he handled it with class.
“Wait, where’s Cadence?”
“Oh, didn’t she tell you?” Mrs. Harris responded. “She’s helping out on a farm with Gus for the weekend.”
Kerass stared at Lyra trying to understand. It only took 3 seconds, but in his mind it felt like 10 minutes. Cadence told him that she would be out of town. Gus told him that he had to help out at his boss’ brother’s farm. No wonder he wanted a friendship like Cadence had with Gus. They were dating each other. How had he missed this before? He cursed himself internally for being so blind. The moment he thought it, the more obvious it became in his mind. He exhaled trying to let it go and move on.
“That’s great,” Kerass replied half-heartedly. “Sorry, we really need to study now.”
“Yeah,” Lyra dragged the word out.
“Well, I’ll let you two be. Make sure you say goodbye before you leave!”
“Sure,” Kerass added in a throaty whisper.
It doesn’t matter…Kerass tried to convince himself. Internally a piece of his heart shattered. He hadn’t wanted to be Cadence’s friend. He had been lying to himself. Truthfully, he wanted to be her boyfriend and well, that wasn’t going to happen anymore. He asked himself whether he could still be Cadence’s friend. He didn’t know, truly. He had to wait to see how he would react once he saw them in the open together. For now, he was going to keep it all to himself.
“You ready?” Lyra asked him disturbing his thoughts.
“What? Sorry, yeah, totally.”
He would happily study with Lyra. Studying with her would be a much-needed break. It would be interesting to say the least. They hadn’t exchanged a word together before she answered the door, but she already felt very comfortable around him. It was a little odd, but what could he do? She seemed fine, plus he needed a study partner desperately, but he feared his mind would be elsewhere. It was already drifting away. One thing was certain: he wouldn’t retain any of the information he and Lyra were studying that afternoon.
Jay pulled into the school parking lot at 6 a.m. It was way too early for a Saturday, but that’s what happened when you took the SATs. The system always tried to screw you. He took that back in his mind. That was way too harsh and spiteful. It wasn’t true. He just didn’t want to be up this early on the weekend.
Jeremy unbuckled his seat belt thanking Jay for the ride.
“Sure, no problem,” Jay said. He put his hand on Jeremy’s shoulder sitting him back down. “I want to talk about something.”
“Before the SATs man?”
“I think Kerass is cutting himself.”
Jeremy’s face changed ever so slightly. A pensive gaze into the distance struck his face in that moment. As quickly as his face changed, he was back and said, “That’s quite the accusation. Do you have any proof?”
“Well, no. It’s really only speculation.”
“Jay, what is the matter with you?”
Taken aback, Jay remained silent. He recognized later that his drilling of Kerass in front of the other guys, and the entire stands for that matter, wasn’t the best way of going about it. He needed to do that in private, he knew that, but it was just so obvious that there was something that was going on with Kerass. The others had only just met Kerass. How could they possibly know what was up with him? They couldn’t. The fact that Kerass was lying was of severe concern.
“You don’t know him like I do,” Jay retorted.
“You’re just full of opinions, aren’t you?”
Jay was on the verge to throw sass back at him, but Jeremy continued to speak before Jay could budge a word in edgewise.
“Even if it were true, which I have serious doubts about, it’s none of your damn business.”
Commanding himself not to react was very difficult. Jay had almost audibly gasped. This was the first time Jeremy had cursed, albeit a very small one, in front of Jay.
“I’m sorry, I’m…tired, I guess,” Jeremy said in a mock apology that Jay didn’t believe for a single second. “So what if he’s cutting himself? Don’t confront him on it. Let him come to you about it.”
Jeremy walked out of the car leaving Jay shaken.
“It’s been a week,” Cadence told Gus in the car ride to the school.
“We’re gonna be late if we hit another red light,” Gus replied.
Cadence scoffed. He was avoiding the question again. When should they share about their relationship with Kerass? It was a delicate situation and needed to be treated with the utmost care.
“What do you want me to say?”
“Say that you’ll talk to him,” Cadence inferred.
“Oh no,” Gus said shaking his head. “You were the one who wanted to share with him in the first place.”
“Of course,” Cadence began. She continued saying that Kerass’s friendship was extremely important to her and that honesty in that friendship was the crux, the core of the foundation. “He deserves to know.”
“You know what I think.”
“We’re not freshmen anymore!” Cadence nearly screamed at him.
“Let me remind you I didn’t know either of you during freshmen year. I was in London freshmen year actually, but you’re right. We’re all a lot more mature than freshmen year, thank God,” Gus said whispering the last two words. “The timing is totally off though. He’s still really beat up over the loss of the football team.”
“If you love me, you’ll tell him,” Cadence jibed.
“Now who’s to say we’re not freshmen?”
Cadence cracked a smile. “I was only kidding…sort of.”
As they pulled into the school parking lot, Cadence asked him one last time “So, are you gonna talk to him or not?”
Kerass stood at the foot of his mother’s bed in the hospital holding his breath. Every part of him moaned with remorse and sadness. It was his fault. It was all his fault. The first tear fell, but was quickly joined by a river that didn’t stop. It felt like he would be crying forever. He felt like he would never feel happiness again. It was impossible.
His father had pulled him aside that morning, right before he drove to take the SATs, and sat him down at the kitchen table. They didn’t have the money anymore. They could no longer pay for his mother’s treatment at the hospital, not without draining his college funds. Kerass had been completely willing to drain the funds, even begged his father to do so. His father told him that he refused to let Kerass throw his life away. The following words would be etched in Kerass’s mind forever, he would make certain of that. “She’s not going to wake up, Kerass. She’s never going to wake up.”
It wasn’t true what they said, Kerass noted. He had read in novels and the like that there was a glow over someone as they passed on, a beauty in death. No, there wasn’t. It was a complete lie. His mother had possibly never looked more frail, more ugly.
His father nodded to the doctor. The plug was pulled. The heartbeat remained for another 15 seconds. Kerass couldn’t even look at her face, he stared at the heart rate monitor.
Thump thump…
Thump thump…
Thump……
Thump………………
Thump……………………………………………………
…………………………………………………………………………………………………
Sunday, August 2, 2015
Fallen Leaves - Chapter 28: Midnight Memories
Cadence honked her car horn to grab Gus’s attention. He must have been so deep in thought that he just didn’t notice.
“I was ignoring you because this part is very delicate, would you give me 2 minutes?” Gus explained without glancing her direction.
Granted, it was a little bit rude, but so what? She turned the engine off. This would give her a minute to think. She had driven 200 miles to be here at the farm with him. She felt no remorse withholding this relationship from Kerass, absolutely none at all. Yet she couldn’t stop thinking about Kerass, which made her feel bad when she was supposed to be focused on just having alone time with Gus. She heard a tap at the window bringing her back to the present.
“Seems like I’m not the only one who was living inside their head,” Gus said sniggering. With a straight face, he continued saying, “I had no idea you were going to drive all this way just for me.”
Cadence was so touched that she didn’t know what to say. She wanted to say something sappy in response, but it all just seemed so corny in her mind. Why did she still feel a bit of embarrassment around Gus telling him how she really felt?
“Thank you, honestly,” Gus said.
“What is there to do around here?” she asked trying to avoid sounding like some clingy girlfriend. She’d made that mistake her sophomore year and it backfired like crazy having gone the entire year single.
“Well you could help out with the manual labor…”
Cadence raised one eyebrow at him, which got a chuckle out of Gus making her feel better about herself instantaneously.
“Or you could talk to me while I do all of that stuff, keep me company, you know?”
Cadence smiled, but when she looked, she saw that there were four other men working. She wanted some one-on-one time with him away from Oak Stream. She already felt like she had unintentionally dragged the spirit of Kerass along on what was supposed to be a romantic getaway.
“Is there anything, you know, that we could do one-on-one?”
“Oh!” Gus replied startled. “I was so focused on the work, I almost completely forgot. It’s hell week here, you know.” He gave a low whistle. “For some alone time, well, you gotta wait ‘til midnight. Trust me when I say that midnight memories here are extraordinary.”
The heat shimmered off the blacktop. The temperature inside the car read 85 degrees Fahrenheit. The drive took well over an hour. It was now or never.
“You ready?” Jeremy asked.
Jay nodded unbuckling his seatbelt. All of his buddies from the Oak Stream High Christian group got out of the van with him. Kerass had come along. It took some convincing, but he came round. Kerass had wanted some alone time with Jay, and Jay totally respected that and wanted the same thing, but this wasn’t the proper time to do that. The buds from the Christian group had become true friends to him. They were all there to support him primarily and their school secondarily.
The event program that was handed out to him made it official in his mind. It was the state competition for marching band and he wasn’t a part of the final performance. He held his breath and exhaled slowly.
Kerass stood to the side of the concessions stand waiting for his slice of pizza. He had no idea this was going to take all day. Last year when he watched Jay perform it only took the morning, but because they were watching everybody this year, it was going to take all day, forever in his mind. Jay had apparently become a huge fan of marching band in general and whispered praise or snide comments depending on how well he thought they were doing. None of it mattered to Kerass. He wouldn’t have minded sleeping all day, but the sun was so bright and the stands were so uncomfortable that it was an impossibility.
Jeremy walked over standing by him while he continued to wait for what seemed like 10 minutes for his pizza slice.
“Kerass, right?”
Kerass nodded.
“Great. I can be bad at names sometimes, so I’m glad I got yours right.”
“Props, bud,” Kerass said laden with sarcasm. Fortunately Jeremy laughed.
“I know,” Jeremy began. He continued saying that it was an awkward thing to say. “Anyways, Jay’s talked a lot about you. I feel like I already know you.”
“Yeah, Jay’s really important to me.”
“So…” Jeremy exhaled. He told Kerass that the other guys really bonded with him in the car.
This was news to Kerass who thought that it was just mindless chatter.
Jeremy continued saying that seeing as Kerass was a fellow believer, a Christian, “it just makes sense, right? Do you think you’ll come out to our club meetings?”
“I can make time for it I guess. You guys are chill enough anyways.”
Jeremy slapped Kerass’ back twice. It was more forceful than Kerass was anticipating. He may indeed get a bruise from this. It was fine though. The guys were trying, even if it was an odd way of going about it.
When Kerass sat back down next to Jay, Jay noticed something extremely odd. In the sweltering heat of 85 degrees, Kerass was wearing a hoodie. Why? Why was he wearing a hoodie?
“Aren’t you steaming up?” Jay asked.
Kerass shrugged his shoulders. “The wind’s a bit chilly is all…” he mumbled monotone.
“Yeah, but there’s no wind.” Jay pointed out. He proceeded to tell him that he was perspiring. “Why are you lying to me? This isn’t you.”
“This isn’t the proper place, Jay,” Jeremy gently scolded.
“Just drop it,” Kerass sternly begged him.
“No!” Jay yelled, which now disturbed those seated around the group who glared in response at him.
“Jay!” Jeremy condescended in a breathy whisper. “Drop. It.”
“This isn’t over, not by a long shot,” Jay added conceding.
Oak Stream’s marching band came onto the field. Jay watched with anticipation silently critiquing every missed note, step, and flag twirl. Each piece got a little more intense. The show began with a ballad and ended with a march that was played at double the intended speed. When the performance ended, Jay didn’t clap. He was completely unaware of his surroundings. He couldn’t tell if that was their best or their worst performance of the season. Ultimately it didn’t matter.
The day continued on with more junk food, lots of other marching bands performing, and lots of talking and bonding. It was amazing to see how quickly Kerass had become comfortable with Jeremy and the others. This warmed Jay’s heart a good deal. Finally, as the afternoon came to a close and the sun began to set they started to announce the rankings. Jay wanted a 3, at the very least. Something equal to what they had performed the previous year, if not better. There was no number one band in the state. It was solely based on how well each individual band did, which made marching band all the more fun because there was no ultimate winner. Oak Stream’s marching band got a 2, an excellent for their performance, an entire level better than the previous year. Jay was so shocked and thrilled that he jumped up screaming, jumping, and clapping his hands. Jay watched as Mr. Martin mouthed something to the band. They all stood up and shouted, “This is for you Jay!”
Mr. Martin added, “You’ll always be a part of Oak Stream’s marching band.”
Jay was so stunned that he couldn’t help it. He started to cry. Sure it was embarrassing to do so in front of the guys, but he couldn’t hold it back. The tears flowed effortlessly down his face.
The seconds on the clock inside the car continued to rise. There were 25 seconds left to midnight. She was delighted, if not a little bit surprised, that Gus had taken the midnight time frame so literally. She understood overall. In what now remained 10 seconds, he would be off the clock and then the fun would really begin.
The clock read 12:00 a.m. Gus looked over at Cadence and smiled tilting his head towards the door. They got out of the car. They were in the middle of a field. It had taken them 10 minutes on a dirt road to get to the field. Off in the distance, Cadence could see a dirt and gravel path through a gap in the trees. Cadence looked up at the stars. The night sky looked brighter than ever before seeing as she was so far away from Oak Stream, which while being a small town, still covered the night sky from it’s radiance.
An engine turned on. Gus drove an ATV right beside her holding out a helmet. She took it from him and snapped the buckle shut. Throwing her leg over the side, she got on and put her arms around his waist. Her heart started pounding before they even began to move forward. The ATV headlights turned on, which made the sky harder to see, but showed that there were 2 or 3 deer in the trees in the distance.
The ATV lurched forward in the field. Cadence let out a gasp. She looked at the speedometer as the speed continued to rise past 25, 35, 45 miles per hour. She started to scream in shock and delight as Gus did figure 8’s throughout the field. Before she knew it, the ATV had already climbed to 75 miles per hour. Her screams turned into laughter. She couldn’t stop laughing. Tears of euphoric joy came down in buckets as she laughed without a breath.
Then just as suddenly Gus hit the brakes. Cadence’s laughter stopped as she gasped for breath, trying to still her ever-beating heart. Although she hated to admit it, her heartbeat rose in the stillness. She was closer to Gus and words failed her when she tried to think of why she loved him, but inexplicably, she had grown to be nervous, an excited nervous around him.
Gus slowly moved the ATV forward going 15 miles per hour down the gravel and dirt path in the forest. The wind picked up. Gus turned the headlights off. Cadence looked at the deer. Their heads were touching each other as they ate the grass to the side. She couldn’t tell if they were fighting or in love. She didn’t know why she thought of the animals loving each other and why it would even matter, but in that moment, it did.
The light reflected from the moon cast shadows from the leaves painting Cadence’s face in light and darkness. Gus stopped the ATV in the middle of the circle turning the ATV back around toward the field. He led her off the vehicle. She put her arms around his neck. He bent his head down, their lips met. Crickets were chirping, an owl hooted, but the sounds did not disturb their bliss.
Cadence inhaled about to say something, but Gus put his index finger up to her lips.
“It’s nobody’s business but ours,” Gus said.
Julia had made a mistake. She wanted to turn back around so desperately, but like an utter fool, she had neglected to check the gas gauge. Now she was running on empty. She had been running on empty for 10 miles. Now her car sputtered to a stop. She hit the dashboard in an attempt to take her frustration out on the vehicle.
Just then, a car pulled up behind her. The red and blue lights turned on. The police officer walked slowly over to her vehicle and tapped the window with the butt of her flashlight. She rolled down her window putting her hands on the steering wheel. She held her breath as the officer opened up her mouth to speak.
“I was ignoring you because this part is very delicate, would you give me 2 minutes?” Gus explained without glancing her direction.
Granted, it was a little bit rude, but so what? She turned the engine off. This would give her a minute to think. She had driven 200 miles to be here at the farm with him. She felt no remorse withholding this relationship from Kerass, absolutely none at all. Yet she couldn’t stop thinking about Kerass, which made her feel bad when she was supposed to be focused on just having alone time with Gus. She heard a tap at the window bringing her back to the present.
“Seems like I’m not the only one who was living inside their head,” Gus said sniggering. With a straight face, he continued saying, “I had no idea you were going to drive all this way just for me.”
Cadence was so touched that she didn’t know what to say. She wanted to say something sappy in response, but it all just seemed so corny in her mind. Why did she still feel a bit of embarrassment around Gus telling him how she really felt?
“Thank you, honestly,” Gus said.
“What is there to do around here?” she asked trying to avoid sounding like some clingy girlfriend. She’d made that mistake her sophomore year and it backfired like crazy having gone the entire year single.
“Well you could help out with the manual labor…”
Cadence raised one eyebrow at him, which got a chuckle out of Gus making her feel better about herself instantaneously.
“Or you could talk to me while I do all of that stuff, keep me company, you know?”
Cadence smiled, but when she looked, she saw that there were four other men working. She wanted some one-on-one time with him away from Oak Stream. She already felt like she had unintentionally dragged the spirit of Kerass along on what was supposed to be a romantic getaway.
“Is there anything, you know, that we could do one-on-one?”
“Oh!” Gus replied startled. “I was so focused on the work, I almost completely forgot. It’s hell week here, you know.” He gave a low whistle. “For some alone time, well, you gotta wait ‘til midnight. Trust me when I say that midnight memories here are extraordinary.”
The heat shimmered off the blacktop. The temperature inside the car read 85 degrees Fahrenheit. The drive took well over an hour. It was now or never.
“You ready?” Jeremy asked.
Jay nodded unbuckling his seatbelt. All of his buddies from the Oak Stream High Christian group got out of the van with him. Kerass had come along. It took some convincing, but he came round. Kerass had wanted some alone time with Jay, and Jay totally respected that and wanted the same thing, but this wasn’t the proper time to do that. The buds from the Christian group had become true friends to him. They were all there to support him primarily and their school secondarily.
The event program that was handed out to him made it official in his mind. It was the state competition for marching band and he wasn’t a part of the final performance. He held his breath and exhaled slowly.
Kerass stood to the side of the concessions stand waiting for his slice of pizza. He had no idea this was going to take all day. Last year when he watched Jay perform it only took the morning, but because they were watching everybody this year, it was going to take all day, forever in his mind. Jay had apparently become a huge fan of marching band in general and whispered praise or snide comments depending on how well he thought they were doing. None of it mattered to Kerass. He wouldn’t have minded sleeping all day, but the sun was so bright and the stands were so uncomfortable that it was an impossibility.
Jeremy walked over standing by him while he continued to wait for what seemed like 10 minutes for his pizza slice.
“Kerass, right?”
Kerass nodded.
“Great. I can be bad at names sometimes, so I’m glad I got yours right.”
“Props, bud,” Kerass said laden with sarcasm. Fortunately Jeremy laughed.
“I know,” Jeremy began. He continued saying that it was an awkward thing to say. “Anyways, Jay’s talked a lot about you. I feel like I already know you.”
“Yeah, Jay’s really important to me.”
“So…” Jeremy exhaled. He told Kerass that the other guys really bonded with him in the car.
This was news to Kerass who thought that it was just mindless chatter.
Jeremy continued saying that seeing as Kerass was a fellow believer, a Christian, “it just makes sense, right? Do you think you’ll come out to our club meetings?”
“I can make time for it I guess. You guys are chill enough anyways.”
Jeremy slapped Kerass’ back twice. It was more forceful than Kerass was anticipating. He may indeed get a bruise from this. It was fine though. The guys were trying, even if it was an odd way of going about it.
When Kerass sat back down next to Jay, Jay noticed something extremely odd. In the sweltering heat of 85 degrees, Kerass was wearing a hoodie. Why? Why was he wearing a hoodie?
“Aren’t you steaming up?” Jay asked.
Kerass shrugged his shoulders. “The wind’s a bit chilly is all…” he mumbled monotone.
“Yeah, but there’s no wind.” Jay pointed out. He proceeded to tell him that he was perspiring. “Why are you lying to me? This isn’t you.”
“This isn’t the proper place, Jay,” Jeremy gently scolded.
“Just drop it,” Kerass sternly begged him.
“No!” Jay yelled, which now disturbed those seated around the group who glared in response at him.
“Jay!” Jeremy condescended in a breathy whisper. “Drop. It.”
“This isn’t over, not by a long shot,” Jay added conceding.
Oak Stream’s marching band came onto the field. Jay watched with anticipation silently critiquing every missed note, step, and flag twirl. Each piece got a little more intense. The show began with a ballad and ended with a march that was played at double the intended speed. When the performance ended, Jay didn’t clap. He was completely unaware of his surroundings. He couldn’t tell if that was their best or their worst performance of the season. Ultimately it didn’t matter.
The day continued on with more junk food, lots of other marching bands performing, and lots of talking and bonding. It was amazing to see how quickly Kerass had become comfortable with Jeremy and the others. This warmed Jay’s heart a good deal. Finally, as the afternoon came to a close and the sun began to set they started to announce the rankings. Jay wanted a 3, at the very least. Something equal to what they had performed the previous year, if not better. There was no number one band in the state. It was solely based on how well each individual band did, which made marching band all the more fun because there was no ultimate winner. Oak Stream’s marching band got a 2, an excellent for their performance, an entire level better than the previous year. Jay was so shocked and thrilled that he jumped up screaming, jumping, and clapping his hands. Jay watched as Mr. Martin mouthed something to the band. They all stood up and shouted, “This is for you Jay!”
Mr. Martin added, “You’ll always be a part of Oak Stream’s marching band.”
Jay was so stunned that he couldn’t help it. He started to cry. Sure it was embarrassing to do so in front of the guys, but he couldn’t hold it back. The tears flowed effortlessly down his face.
The seconds on the clock inside the car continued to rise. There were 25 seconds left to midnight. She was delighted, if not a little bit surprised, that Gus had taken the midnight time frame so literally. She understood overall. In what now remained 10 seconds, he would be off the clock and then the fun would really begin.
The clock read 12:00 a.m. Gus looked over at Cadence and smiled tilting his head towards the door. They got out of the car. They were in the middle of a field. It had taken them 10 minutes on a dirt road to get to the field. Off in the distance, Cadence could see a dirt and gravel path through a gap in the trees. Cadence looked up at the stars. The night sky looked brighter than ever before seeing as she was so far away from Oak Stream, which while being a small town, still covered the night sky from it’s radiance.
An engine turned on. Gus drove an ATV right beside her holding out a helmet. She took it from him and snapped the buckle shut. Throwing her leg over the side, she got on and put her arms around his waist. Her heart started pounding before they even began to move forward. The ATV headlights turned on, which made the sky harder to see, but showed that there were 2 or 3 deer in the trees in the distance.
The ATV lurched forward in the field. Cadence let out a gasp. She looked at the speedometer as the speed continued to rise past 25, 35, 45 miles per hour. She started to scream in shock and delight as Gus did figure 8’s throughout the field. Before she knew it, the ATV had already climbed to 75 miles per hour. Her screams turned into laughter. She couldn’t stop laughing. Tears of euphoric joy came down in buckets as she laughed without a breath.
Then just as suddenly Gus hit the brakes. Cadence’s laughter stopped as she gasped for breath, trying to still her ever-beating heart. Although she hated to admit it, her heartbeat rose in the stillness. She was closer to Gus and words failed her when she tried to think of why she loved him, but inexplicably, she had grown to be nervous, an excited nervous around him.
Gus slowly moved the ATV forward going 15 miles per hour down the gravel and dirt path in the forest. The wind picked up. Gus turned the headlights off. Cadence looked at the deer. Their heads were touching each other as they ate the grass to the side. She couldn’t tell if they were fighting or in love. She didn’t know why she thought of the animals loving each other and why it would even matter, but in that moment, it did.
The light reflected from the moon cast shadows from the leaves painting Cadence’s face in light and darkness. Gus stopped the ATV in the middle of the circle turning the ATV back around toward the field. He led her off the vehicle. She put her arms around his neck. He bent his head down, their lips met. Crickets were chirping, an owl hooted, but the sounds did not disturb their bliss.
Cadence inhaled about to say something, but Gus put his index finger up to her lips.
“It’s nobody’s business but ours,” Gus said.
Julia had made a mistake. She wanted to turn back around so desperately, but like an utter fool, she had neglected to check the gas gauge. Now she was running on empty. She had been running on empty for 10 miles. Now her car sputtered to a stop. She hit the dashboard in an attempt to take her frustration out on the vehicle.
Just then, a car pulled up behind her. The red and blue lights turned on. The police officer walked slowly over to her vehicle and tapped the window with the butt of her flashlight. She rolled down her window putting her hands on the steering wheel. She held her breath as the officer opened up her mouth to speak.
Sunday, July 26, 2015
Fallen Leaves - Chapter 27: Taken
A drop of sweat fell onto Jay’s shirt. He tried to breathe deeply to calm himself down, but instead his muscles tensed and his heartbeat rose. He couldn’t comprehend why he was doing this. He hadn’t been caught and he hadn’t intentionally left Julia behind. Yet this was the only way he knew how to go about it. He sighed and inhaled holding his breath for 10 seconds before exhaling. That seemed to work, but then his palms started to sweat. There was nothing to it but to just get it over with. He knocked on Mr. Martin’s faculty door within the band room.
“Come in! Come in!” Mr. Martin called jauntily.
Jay waved his hand once awkwardly and then put it by his side embarrassed by how gawky he was.
“Jay,” Mr. Martin said beaming. “I’m so glad you stopped by. What’s going on?”
Hesitation drenched in his voice, Jay admitted that he had something to tell Mr. Martin. “It’s something quite serious actually.”
Mr. Martin told him to take a seat and closed the door behind him. “You can speak freely.”
Say it, say it, say it…Jay commanded himself, but his mouth wouldn’t open. Every atom within him dreaded this moment. He choked up. It was completely embarrassing. He didn’t want to cry in front of an authority figure, but he couldn't stop himself. If his fellow marching band members found out it would be the kiss of death socially within the group, not that he hung out with any of them anyways.
“I was involved with the water tower protest,” Jay finally let out after there were no more tears left to shed.
“Please continue,” Mr. Martin said without revealing how he felt.
“I just didn’t get caught.”
Mr. Martin folded his hands together and thanked him for his honesty. “Was anyone else in my band there?”
Jay shook his head avoiding eye contact. He knew it seemed like he was lying, but he just couldn’t bear being in that room any longer. He screamed internally for his muscles to move, to flee the situation, but he remained unmoving as if his sneakers were glued to the floor.
“Here’s the thing. I’m not kicking you off the team for starters, so you can breathe easy about that.” Mr. Martin said. He continued saying that it was a very bold thing for him to do admitting he was in the wrong even when he hadn’t been caught. “I’m very proud of you for coming forward. However, I can’t let this go unpunished.”
Jay closed his eyes. He knew it. There was no way this could’ve ended well and he secretly beat himself up inside for even allowing a glimmer of hope once Mr. Martin had started talking.
“I can’t allow you to perform with us during the state competition.”
“So you are kicking me off the team…”
“You’re only missing one performance this year.” Mr. Martin said empathetically but with sternness.
Jay couldn’t believe that he was going to miss the most important competition of the entire year. It was almost unbearable.
“However, I cannot deny that you have made an invaluable addition to the color guard and we desperately need male color guards. If you choose to be a part of this team next year, and I hope sincerely that you do, you won’t even have to audition. Your spot’s already reserved.”
With that, Jay couldn’t help but smile. Sure it wasn’t what he had hoped for, but in an odd way, he felt it was fair. He had been punished, that was undeniable, but he had also been built up and complimented in a way that was very rare, but necessary for him to hear. He left the room, not with tears in his eyes, but with a smug smile. Things might end up being all right after all.
Although there was not a cloud in the sky, from the angle that Cadence was standing the top of the water tower blocked any view of the sun. This was the first time that she was seeing the new water tower. It sounded corny in her mind, but it truly was marvelous. She knew the fresh paint would radiate the sun. Instead of ladder rungs straight to the top, the ladder rungs only went halfway up. A spiral staircase around the back led you to the top.
CAUTION: Only authorized personnel may use the ladder, the sticker read on each foot of the tower.
Raising her eyebrows as she looked over at Gus who was standing beside her, she felt contentment. They would be the first of numerous people to break the law stated clearly on the sticker.
It was an odd way to celebrate the new tower, but she couldn’t help but overlook some rules when she was around Gus. He had assured her that after the ceremony the cops wouldn’t be anywhere near the tower and that it would be exactly like it was before. Not a single doubt entered her mind when he said that with such certainty.
His arm extended as a gesture. Without saying anything, he motioned ‘after you’ towards her. She gave him a single nod thanking him.
Her foot felt the first ladder rung. It was sturdy, solid. She trusted it. She started to climb. Gus was close behind her. She could hear his feet and hands as they gripped the rungs of the ladder. She daren’t look down. Completely unaware that she was on level ground, she began to walk up the spiral staircase. Her hand found Gus’ as they finished climbing the stairs.
As she began to sit down, she chose to look out over the forest instead of Main Street. The view took her breath away. They were above the trees and as the wind blew ever so softly, she could almost see ripples and waves among the leaves.
She leaned against Gus’ chest. He put his arm around her. He was the only one who understood that she didn’t want anything to be said in the moment.
Cadence turned her head. Her hand touched his face gently. Time seemed to freeze. She leaned forward and kissed him. His eyes widened. He couldn’t have been surprised. When she looked harder she could tell his eyes weren’t a shocked surprise, they were a happy surprise. He leaned forward and kissed her back. She could feel her hair whipping wildly in the wind that had picked up quite forcefully as they continued to kiss on top of the water tower.
The school parking lot was half full. More of a turn out than was expected, considering the lack of advertisement for the play’s opening night. Kerass pulled through into the Principal’s parking spot with mischievous glee. So what if he could never do this to her face. It was fun in the moment.
Another car pulled up right beside him. He gave pause until the engine was shut off. Recognizing who it was stepping out of the car, he shook his head with a sly smile.
“You took my spot…shame,” Gus said completely straight-faced.
Kerass just shrugged his shoulders in response.
“I knew you had a rebellious bone in your body,” Gus said with a dash of depravity. “I’m proud of you for sticking it to the system.”
“It’s not that bad,” Kerass began. He continued saying that it was the closest spot to the main doors. “You do have me pegged though, I don’t really like our principal.”
“Called it.”
Kerass raised his eyebrows in mock agreement. Gus was cool, and although they hadn’t spent much time together, Kerass had grown to like Gus quite a bit.
“You’re a good friend, Gus,” Kerass said.
Gus avoided eye contact, but Kerass thought nothing of it. Gus wasn’t a very sentimental guy and that was fine. He already had a sentimental friend in Jay.
“Do you want to, oh I don’t know,” Kerass paused taking a breath, “maybe like chill this weekend?”
Gus looked straight at him. “That’d be great man, but unfortunately I have to help out at my boss’ brother’s farm this weekend. It’s hell week for them.”
“You’re helping out your boss’ brother doing farm work?” Kerass asked floored.
“Yeah,” Gus replied simply. “But we’ll chill later, for sure.”
Kerass smiled content as they walked into the school doors right outside the auditorium. Gus walked right past him holding a ticket in hand. Kerass actually hadn’t prepared, only deciding at the last second to come and support Cadence and the new girl Lyra. He caught Cadence’s eye as she stepped out of the theater classroom. He motioned over to her beckoning her to come over.
Only one question was on his mind. Why did he always struggle asking Cadence questions that were truly on his mind? She wasn’t judging him, he knew that, but he couldn’t help but be a little tense around her. His feelings for her hadn’t waned over time as he had hoped. They hadn’t grown stronger either, they just sort of lingered unfinished and if there was one thing that bothered Kerass more than anything else it was unfinished ties.
After exchanging the most basic form of pleasantries, which Kerass wasn’t even paying any attention to what he was saying, he asked, “Can we be friends, you know?”
“Kerass we’ve always been friends,” Cadence said.
This wasn’t fully true. There were times when they had chased each other without the other party reciprocating the feelings, even moments of betrayal, particularly during freshmen year. Kerass shuddered at the thought of freshmen year. He was such an idiot. Don’t relive it, don’t relive it, he commanded himself internally.
“I mean, like, you and Gus.” He continued saying that they had a really strong friendship. “And I was just thinking, why not us?”
“You’re saying you want to hang out more?”
Kerass nodded.
“Pick a time.”
“I’m free this weekend.”
Cadence’s eyes fell to the floor. “I can’t this weekend. I’ll actually be out of town helping out a close friend.”
Kerass told her that was completely understandable.
“But I’ll probably be back Sunday afternoon, and I mean, we’ve gotta study for the SATs the following weekend,” she explained.
“Great! 3 in the afternoon work for you?”
“Count on it!”
“Sweet…” Kerass smiled locking eyes with her. “Well, break a leg!”
Cadence smiled as she reassured him that she wasn’t going to perform. “But I’ll pass it on to Lyra. Trust me, you’ll like her.”
“Any friend of yours is a friend of mine.”
Kerass awaited a response, but Cadence just walked away. He was miffed initially, but then determined that she must be on a schedule. He would have done the same thing. He bought his ticket and walked into the auditorium with five minutes to spare. Jay motioned over to him. He walked over and sat down pleased with how everything had gone.
“I have something to share with you,” Jay said the moment Kerass sat down.
“You know you can tell me anything, Jay,” Kerass said.
“I’m friends with Julia. I know you might be upset, but-” Jay started.
“Why would I be upset by that?” Kerass began. He continued saying that it was fine. “Don’t underestimate me, bud. I am not the judgmental prick I was two years ago.”
“You were never a prick.”
Julia cleared her throat. Kerass and Jay snapped with a start. She beamed at them.
“Might I sit down?” she asked.
They both nodded in unison. It was very cute. Julia told them as she sat down that it was completely obvious that both of them had been best friends forever.
They didn’t respond, simply blinking at her.
“I just wanted to tell you,” she continued trying to save skin, “that you two are the best friends I’ve ever had. You’re the best friends anybody could ask for.”
“Ok then,” Kerass murmured.
Jay remained silent clearly avoiding the topic.
The lights went out and for 2 and a half hours, Julia was whisked away from her problems. Lyra was incredible on the stage. She was made to be up there. Her emotional vulnerability and depth was unmatched by any other cast mate. As the final scene came to a close, Julia turned to look at her ‘friends’. Kerass held a half smile, while Jay was laughing so hard that he was crying, his face redder than a beet. Julia couldn’t help it. She was balling. What she saw on that stage were characters that loved and accepted each other no matter what. This was something that, when she looked over at Kerass and Jay, she knew she didn’t have.
She didn’t remember the curtain call, or how quickly or slowly she ended up in her car. She no longer wailed. She felt dead inside. Acknowledging that she had no friends, she determined there was only one thing left to do.
She cried out to God saying, “God, please if you’re there, please give me a friend. I know it’s my fault because I couldn’t keep my mouth shut, but I ask you, no I beg you to give me a friend, anyone who will be loyal. Please, please, please…” she trailed off.
It was in that moment that she determined she would begin to skip again. She didn’t care that she had a final on the following Monday. Screw school! She started up her car and began her journey. She wasn’t going home. Taking a journey that she hadn’t yet taken was appealing to her. She just started driving wherever the road took her. She needed to take this journey to anywhere.
“Come in! Come in!” Mr. Martin called jauntily.
Jay waved his hand once awkwardly and then put it by his side embarrassed by how gawky he was.
“Jay,” Mr. Martin said beaming. “I’m so glad you stopped by. What’s going on?”
Hesitation drenched in his voice, Jay admitted that he had something to tell Mr. Martin. “It’s something quite serious actually.”
Mr. Martin told him to take a seat and closed the door behind him. “You can speak freely.”
Say it, say it, say it…Jay commanded himself, but his mouth wouldn’t open. Every atom within him dreaded this moment. He choked up. It was completely embarrassing. He didn’t want to cry in front of an authority figure, but he couldn't stop himself. If his fellow marching band members found out it would be the kiss of death socially within the group, not that he hung out with any of them anyways.
“I was involved with the water tower protest,” Jay finally let out after there were no more tears left to shed.
“Please continue,” Mr. Martin said without revealing how he felt.
“I just didn’t get caught.”
Mr. Martin folded his hands together and thanked him for his honesty. “Was anyone else in my band there?”
Jay shook his head avoiding eye contact. He knew it seemed like he was lying, but he just couldn’t bear being in that room any longer. He screamed internally for his muscles to move, to flee the situation, but he remained unmoving as if his sneakers were glued to the floor.
“Here’s the thing. I’m not kicking you off the team for starters, so you can breathe easy about that.” Mr. Martin said. He continued saying that it was a very bold thing for him to do admitting he was in the wrong even when he hadn’t been caught. “I’m very proud of you for coming forward. However, I can’t let this go unpunished.”
Jay closed his eyes. He knew it. There was no way this could’ve ended well and he secretly beat himself up inside for even allowing a glimmer of hope once Mr. Martin had started talking.
“I can’t allow you to perform with us during the state competition.”
“So you are kicking me off the team…”
“You’re only missing one performance this year.” Mr. Martin said empathetically but with sternness.
Jay couldn’t believe that he was going to miss the most important competition of the entire year. It was almost unbearable.
“However, I cannot deny that you have made an invaluable addition to the color guard and we desperately need male color guards. If you choose to be a part of this team next year, and I hope sincerely that you do, you won’t even have to audition. Your spot’s already reserved.”
With that, Jay couldn’t help but smile. Sure it wasn’t what he had hoped for, but in an odd way, he felt it was fair. He had been punished, that was undeniable, but he had also been built up and complimented in a way that was very rare, but necessary for him to hear. He left the room, not with tears in his eyes, but with a smug smile. Things might end up being all right after all.
Although there was not a cloud in the sky, from the angle that Cadence was standing the top of the water tower blocked any view of the sun. This was the first time that she was seeing the new water tower. It sounded corny in her mind, but it truly was marvelous. She knew the fresh paint would radiate the sun. Instead of ladder rungs straight to the top, the ladder rungs only went halfway up. A spiral staircase around the back led you to the top.
CAUTION: Only authorized personnel may use the ladder, the sticker read on each foot of the tower.
Raising her eyebrows as she looked over at Gus who was standing beside her, she felt contentment. They would be the first of numerous people to break the law stated clearly on the sticker.
It was an odd way to celebrate the new tower, but she couldn’t help but overlook some rules when she was around Gus. He had assured her that after the ceremony the cops wouldn’t be anywhere near the tower and that it would be exactly like it was before. Not a single doubt entered her mind when he said that with such certainty.
His arm extended as a gesture. Without saying anything, he motioned ‘after you’ towards her. She gave him a single nod thanking him.
Her foot felt the first ladder rung. It was sturdy, solid. She trusted it. She started to climb. Gus was close behind her. She could hear his feet and hands as they gripped the rungs of the ladder. She daren’t look down. Completely unaware that she was on level ground, she began to walk up the spiral staircase. Her hand found Gus’ as they finished climbing the stairs.
As she began to sit down, she chose to look out over the forest instead of Main Street. The view took her breath away. They were above the trees and as the wind blew ever so softly, she could almost see ripples and waves among the leaves.
She leaned against Gus’ chest. He put his arm around her. He was the only one who understood that she didn’t want anything to be said in the moment.
Cadence turned her head. Her hand touched his face gently. Time seemed to freeze. She leaned forward and kissed him. His eyes widened. He couldn’t have been surprised. When she looked harder she could tell his eyes weren’t a shocked surprise, they were a happy surprise. He leaned forward and kissed her back. She could feel her hair whipping wildly in the wind that had picked up quite forcefully as they continued to kiss on top of the water tower.
The school parking lot was half full. More of a turn out than was expected, considering the lack of advertisement for the play’s opening night. Kerass pulled through into the Principal’s parking spot with mischievous glee. So what if he could never do this to her face. It was fun in the moment.
Another car pulled up right beside him. He gave pause until the engine was shut off. Recognizing who it was stepping out of the car, he shook his head with a sly smile.
“You took my spot…shame,” Gus said completely straight-faced.
Kerass just shrugged his shoulders in response.
“I knew you had a rebellious bone in your body,” Gus said with a dash of depravity. “I’m proud of you for sticking it to the system.”
“It’s not that bad,” Kerass began. He continued saying that it was the closest spot to the main doors. “You do have me pegged though, I don’t really like our principal.”
“Called it.”
Kerass raised his eyebrows in mock agreement. Gus was cool, and although they hadn’t spent much time together, Kerass had grown to like Gus quite a bit.
“You’re a good friend, Gus,” Kerass said.
Gus avoided eye contact, but Kerass thought nothing of it. Gus wasn’t a very sentimental guy and that was fine. He already had a sentimental friend in Jay.
“Do you want to, oh I don’t know,” Kerass paused taking a breath, “maybe like chill this weekend?”
Gus looked straight at him. “That’d be great man, but unfortunately I have to help out at my boss’ brother’s farm this weekend. It’s hell week for them.”
“You’re helping out your boss’ brother doing farm work?” Kerass asked floored.
“Yeah,” Gus replied simply. “But we’ll chill later, for sure.”
Kerass smiled content as they walked into the school doors right outside the auditorium. Gus walked right past him holding a ticket in hand. Kerass actually hadn’t prepared, only deciding at the last second to come and support Cadence and the new girl Lyra. He caught Cadence’s eye as she stepped out of the theater classroom. He motioned over to her beckoning her to come over.
Only one question was on his mind. Why did he always struggle asking Cadence questions that were truly on his mind? She wasn’t judging him, he knew that, but he couldn’t help but be a little tense around her. His feelings for her hadn’t waned over time as he had hoped. They hadn’t grown stronger either, they just sort of lingered unfinished and if there was one thing that bothered Kerass more than anything else it was unfinished ties.
After exchanging the most basic form of pleasantries, which Kerass wasn’t even paying any attention to what he was saying, he asked, “Can we be friends, you know?”
“Kerass we’ve always been friends,” Cadence said.
This wasn’t fully true. There were times when they had chased each other without the other party reciprocating the feelings, even moments of betrayal, particularly during freshmen year. Kerass shuddered at the thought of freshmen year. He was such an idiot. Don’t relive it, don’t relive it, he commanded himself internally.
“I mean, like, you and Gus.” He continued saying that they had a really strong friendship. “And I was just thinking, why not us?”
“You’re saying you want to hang out more?”
Kerass nodded.
“Pick a time.”
“I’m free this weekend.”
Cadence’s eyes fell to the floor. “I can’t this weekend. I’ll actually be out of town helping out a close friend.”
Kerass told her that was completely understandable.
“But I’ll probably be back Sunday afternoon, and I mean, we’ve gotta study for the SATs the following weekend,” she explained.
“Great! 3 in the afternoon work for you?”
“Count on it!”
“Sweet…” Kerass smiled locking eyes with her. “Well, break a leg!”
Cadence smiled as she reassured him that she wasn’t going to perform. “But I’ll pass it on to Lyra. Trust me, you’ll like her.”
“Any friend of yours is a friend of mine.”
Kerass awaited a response, but Cadence just walked away. He was miffed initially, but then determined that she must be on a schedule. He would have done the same thing. He bought his ticket and walked into the auditorium with five minutes to spare. Jay motioned over to him. He walked over and sat down pleased with how everything had gone.
“I have something to share with you,” Jay said the moment Kerass sat down.
“You know you can tell me anything, Jay,” Kerass said.
“I’m friends with Julia. I know you might be upset, but-” Jay started.
“Why would I be upset by that?” Kerass began. He continued saying that it was fine. “Don’t underestimate me, bud. I am not the judgmental prick I was two years ago.”
“You were never a prick.”
Julia cleared her throat. Kerass and Jay snapped with a start. She beamed at them.
“Might I sit down?” she asked.
They both nodded in unison. It was very cute. Julia told them as she sat down that it was completely obvious that both of them had been best friends forever.
They didn’t respond, simply blinking at her.
“I just wanted to tell you,” she continued trying to save skin, “that you two are the best friends I’ve ever had. You’re the best friends anybody could ask for.”
“Ok then,” Kerass murmured.
Jay remained silent clearly avoiding the topic.
The lights went out and for 2 and a half hours, Julia was whisked away from her problems. Lyra was incredible on the stage. She was made to be up there. Her emotional vulnerability and depth was unmatched by any other cast mate. As the final scene came to a close, Julia turned to look at her ‘friends’. Kerass held a half smile, while Jay was laughing so hard that he was crying, his face redder than a beet. Julia couldn’t help it. She was balling. What she saw on that stage were characters that loved and accepted each other no matter what. This was something that, when she looked over at Kerass and Jay, she knew she didn’t have.
She didn’t remember the curtain call, or how quickly or slowly she ended up in her car. She no longer wailed. She felt dead inside. Acknowledging that she had no friends, she determined there was only one thing left to do.
She cried out to God saying, “God, please if you’re there, please give me a friend. I know it’s my fault because I couldn’t keep my mouth shut, but I ask you, no I beg you to give me a friend, anyone who will be loyal. Please, please, please…” she trailed off.
It was in that moment that she determined she would begin to skip again. She didn’t care that she had a final on the following Monday. Screw school! She started up her car and began her journey. She wasn’t going home. Taking a journey that she hadn’t yet taken was appealing to her. She just started driving wherever the road took her. She needed to take this journey to anywhere.
Sunday, July 19, 2015
Fallen Leaves - Chapter 26: Spaces
When Kerass woke up, he didn’t remember anything. Looking around trying to take in his surroundings, he could tell he had woken up in a hospital bed. He cursed under his breath shaking his head.
Mr. Baganz, his teacher sponsor for football, was standing over him. How Kerass had initially missed seeing Mr. Baganz in the room was beyond him.
“Again?” Kerass asked.
Mr. Baganz nodded once. “Strike 3.”
“Please don’t use a baseball analogy on me,” Kerass said. He admitted he didn’t care for the sport and wanted to be told straight. “Hit me with it.”
“You had another concussion.”
Kerass exhaled. He was infuriated. Three months had passed since he hit his head on the sprinkler and blacked out on the field. He felt inferior because he kept injuring himself. Maybe he was inadequate at the game. He didn’t want to be, but he was disillusioned by how he just kept injuring himself.
“This has never been a problem before,” Kerass said defensively.
“Obviously that’s not true, seeing as this is the third time I’m meeting you in a hospital room,” Mr. Baganz said. He then went on to say that Kerass was pushing himself too hard and that he needed to step back for a little while. “Everyone wants to be at their best, I get that, but if you overwork yourself, over push yourself you’ll end up harming everything you’ve built up for.”
Everything became clear to Kerass in that moment. He didn’t believe a word Mr. Baganz said, but he liked him and respected him. He wanted him to understand why that was unacceptable.
“I need to get a scholarship…” Kerass whispered to him.
“I understand completely, but you still have another year.” Mr. Baganz sighed. It was evident that he was uncomfortable with what he was about to say.
“Just say it, you owe me that,” Kerass said staring at him in the way he very rarely did. He always got honest answers with that stare though.
“Considering that this is your third time in the hospital since the season began and you show no signs of slowing down, I have decided as your sponsor that you are unfit to play for the game on Friday.”
“But Mr. Baganz it’s the final game!” Kerass yelled horrified.
“I know, and I know how much it means to you, believe me I do, but for the good of your personal health my decision is final.”
“You can’t do this to me,” Kerass said resentfully, but ultimately feeling powerless.
“It’s already been done. Your father signed off on it too,” Mr. Baganz said with finality.
Mr. Baganz turned around to leave telling him to get some rest. “Oh, and Kerass, if you ever need to talk about anything, and I mean anything, even this decision for example, please don’t be frightened to have a knock on my door. I know exactly how you feel.”
Kerass wanted to fight back. He wanted to tell him how alienated he felt and that he had made a big mistake because it was ruining his entire future. He didn’t have the energy to dwell on his hostility though, for he was too exhausted, and surely enough he found himself drifting off to sleep again.
Jay lay down on his bed in the early afternoon a half hour after school had let out. He groaned realizing that he needed to journal even though it wasn’t his usual time to do so. He knew he needed to process things through writing and looking at the clock, he knew he had a limited time to do so before Jeremy came over.
Once his pen hit the paper, as always his words flowed effortlessly. He began writing by asking the question of why did it always surprise him that processing through words on paper was so easy to do, but so hard to begin. Moving on he acknowledged that both a lot and not much at all had changed over the past three months. He had kept going to the Christian group every Thursday and surprisingly had quickly learned everyone by name. These were people who said hi to him in the halls and asked him how his day was going. But he had withheld his sexuality from them. He had thought it was completely obvious. It was as natural to him as eating and drinking, however none of the group ever mentioned it to him. He was convinced that if they ever thought he was, they’d ask him straight up about it. They were either completely oblivious or completely naive, a characteristic that Kerass used to have in stokes, and even on the rare occasion still showed.
Jay hadn’t spoken to Kerass in a while, not since he shared the good news of his mother responding with a smile. How had he allowed three months to go by without talking with his best friend? There was no excuse. He should be there for Kerass through this awkward time. Although he hadn’t shared about his mother with Kerass. He couldn’t help but think that Kerass was withholding secrets too.
If he was perfectly honest, the reason he had avoided Kerass had to do with Julia. It was odd because there were times he felt so guilty about not admitting he was a part of the detestable protest. In fact, he hadn’t even told Kerass that he was…no, had been friends with Julia.
The doorbell rang and he realized that he’d have to finish journaling later. He ran to the door and opened it with a smile on his face.
“My main man!” Jeremy said giving Jay a high five. He continued saying he was so glad that Jay had asked him over to hang out. “It’ll be fun.”
Jay sighed. He had tried to not make this his everything, but once again, he had failed. “That’s not exactly why I asked you over.”
“Oh?” Jeremy asked laden with sympathy. “What’s up, Jay?”
This was it, the moment of truth. He hated that he had to constantly recome out to each and every friend he would meet for the rest of his life. But he knew that if he wanted Jeremy to be a true friend, he had to know. The words were on the tip of his tongue and stayed there a few seconds before he blurted out, “I’m gay, Jeremy. I know this probably comes as a shock.”
Jeremy simply shook his head. “I know. All of the guys in the group have known honestly since the first time you showed up. Your reputation precedes you.”
Jay was floored. He stammered before he asked how he knew but then took it back muttering that it didn’t matter. “Why didn’t you say anything about it?”
“Because it’s not something I’m going to come to you about. I wasn’t going to out you until you were ready to come to me and tell me about it.”
“So gays are allowed to join the Christian group?”
Jeremy shook his head laughing. “Oh, Jay, what am I going to do with you? Everyone is allowed to join our group.” He patted Jay on the back. “Believe me when I say we never turn anyone away.”
“You’ll still be my friend?” Jay asked ashamed that he even had to vocalize the question.
“Always.”
“So, just to be clear,” Jay began. He asked the question that had been on his mind ever since he began to attend the Christian group on a weekly basis. He asked if the group believed that it was ok to be gay.
Jeremy hesitated. It was obvious from the way that he carried himself that he wanted to say something but just didn’t feel like he could. “Let’s not get into a political discussion. Let’s just chill out and be friends.”
“Why won’t you answer the question?”
“Honestly?”
Jay nodded. He continued to say that he could handle any truth that Jeremy would hit him with.
“Because you’re not ready to hear the answer right now.”
Jay felt alienated, but he simply left it at that and for the rest of the afternoon not a single word was spoken on the subject and while the conversation hadn’t gone the way he had expected or hoped, he had been honest and it had created a new bond between him and Jeremy. He was able to let it go and just relax with his newly close friend Jeremy for the rest of the afternoon before they were going to head off to the reopening ceremony of the water tower together.
Cadence strummed her fingers on the table at her favorite booth in the Hub. She glanced at her watch. The ceremony began 15 minutes ago.
“Gus, come on!” Cadence said. She continued saying that they were going to miss the ceremony entirely.
Gus locked eyes with her. “I was hoping that we could celebrate the new water tower in another way.”
“What are you asking me?” Cadence said miffed at the sudden change in plans.
“Give me one week.”
Cadence raised one eyebrow at him.
The ribbon was slit. The crowd burst into applause as they dedicated the new water tower to the water tower generation. Julia thought this was ludicrous wording, but it was just whatever. This type of a ceremony was one where people joked about ‘you knew you grew up in a SMALL town when…’ It was just so pointless.
“Hey,” Jay said next to her, which brought her back into the real world.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t even see you come over,” Julia said laughing at herself on the inside.
“Are you still mad at me?” Jay asked outright.
Julia was a little taken aback by his assertiveness. This was very unlike Jay. She shook her head. “I was never mad at you,” she began. She continued saying that it was still an awful thing for him to do.
“Does this mean we can still be friends?”
“Why is your basis of friendship based on works?” Julia asked outright. “I forgave you. It was only momentary frustration. Why can’t you just accept my forgiveness point blank?”
And with that Jay simply walked away from her. It was pretty rude, but all right. She may have been too upfront with him, but seriously he just needed to take it. Why couldn’t he take the truth the way that Kerass was always able to? Julia just brushed it off without another thought like she always did.
“It was really awkward,” Jay was explaining to Jeremy a few yards away from Julia. He continued saying that he was quite upset that Jeremy had challenged him in that way. “You made it seem like I had to mend things with her.”
“That’s because you did,” Jeremy responded.
Jay couldn’t think of anything to retort so he simply kept quiet.
Jeremy continued saying that he should tell Mr. Martin about being part of the water tower protest.
“Are you insane? I’d get kicked off the team!” Jay responded flabbergasted.
“You don’t know that. Don’t fret though. I’m not gonna fast for you or anything.”
“Good, so you’re not completely crazy,” Jay added sarcastically.
“I’ve never been crazy, just…broken,” Jeremy trailed off.
Jay was going to ask him what he meant, but then Kerass walked over to him. Jay exhaled. He felt comfortable around Kerass. He felt at home.
“It’s been far too long,” Kerass told Jay.
Jay beamed. “You took the words right out of my mouth.” He turned to introduce Kerass to Jeremy but Jeremy had left.
“Who was that guy you were with?”
“It wasn’t my boyfriend,” Jay said jokily.
“Did I imply that at all?”
Jay shook his head. He told Kerass that his name was Jeremy and that he had met him at the Christian group.
“You’re going to the Christian group?” Kerass asked pleasantly.
“Yeah,” Jay said. “I know it comes as a surprise.”
“Nothing about you surprises me anymore,” Kerass said with an air of jokiness about him.
“Jeremy reminds me of you, a lot actually.”
Kerass smiled. “That’s sweet, Jay. Thank you for that, really.”
Jay knew he needed to reconnect with Kerass. Their bond was too strong to ever fully die. It was good that they were taking the time to catch up in their crazy lives.
“I’m sorry, I’m gonna have to cut this short…later, though?”
Before Jay could fully comprehend what Kerass had said he watched as Kerass walked away from him. It must be the final football game of the season.
“Break a leg! Or whatever they say in football,” Jay called out to him.
Kerass paused and turned around. “Thanks,” he muttered. Jay could tell that his eyes were glistening. Kerass was hiding something, if not flat out lying, and he was going to find out what it was.
The final score flashed in his mind. 17-3. He mumbled the score out loud to himself. They had lost. They hadn’t even scored a single touchdown. The team was drowning without him and his tears as he watched in horror during the rivalry game could have overflowed a storm drain. Kerass stood in the bathroom. He splashed water on his face trying to cover up his tears from his father. The straight razor lay on the sink counter. He had poorly taken it out of a cheap shaving razor, which left over 30 minute cuts on his left hand. He needed space, but the whole concept of spaces between people seemed impossible even in as small a town as Oak Stream. The stress was too much for him and the only way he knew how to relieve stress was through pain. He slapped his forearm three times and then slowly took the razor across his flesh. He knew it wouldn’t kill him. He had no desire to die, just an overwhelming desire to feel. Then he cut himself again.
Mr. Baganz, his teacher sponsor for football, was standing over him. How Kerass had initially missed seeing Mr. Baganz in the room was beyond him.
“Again?” Kerass asked.
Mr. Baganz nodded once. “Strike 3.”
“Please don’t use a baseball analogy on me,” Kerass said. He admitted he didn’t care for the sport and wanted to be told straight. “Hit me with it.”
“You had another concussion.”
Kerass exhaled. He was infuriated. Three months had passed since he hit his head on the sprinkler and blacked out on the field. He felt inferior because he kept injuring himself. Maybe he was inadequate at the game. He didn’t want to be, but he was disillusioned by how he just kept injuring himself.
“This has never been a problem before,” Kerass said defensively.
“Obviously that’s not true, seeing as this is the third time I’m meeting you in a hospital room,” Mr. Baganz said. He then went on to say that Kerass was pushing himself too hard and that he needed to step back for a little while. “Everyone wants to be at their best, I get that, but if you overwork yourself, over push yourself you’ll end up harming everything you’ve built up for.”
Everything became clear to Kerass in that moment. He didn’t believe a word Mr. Baganz said, but he liked him and respected him. He wanted him to understand why that was unacceptable.
“I need to get a scholarship…” Kerass whispered to him.
“I understand completely, but you still have another year.” Mr. Baganz sighed. It was evident that he was uncomfortable with what he was about to say.
“Just say it, you owe me that,” Kerass said staring at him in the way he very rarely did. He always got honest answers with that stare though.
“Considering that this is your third time in the hospital since the season began and you show no signs of slowing down, I have decided as your sponsor that you are unfit to play for the game on Friday.”
“But Mr. Baganz it’s the final game!” Kerass yelled horrified.
“I know, and I know how much it means to you, believe me I do, but for the good of your personal health my decision is final.”
“You can’t do this to me,” Kerass said resentfully, but ultimately feeling powerless.
“It’s already been done. Your father signed off on it too,” Mr. Baganz said with finality.
Mr. Baganz turned around to leave telling him to get some rest. “Oh, and Kerass, if you ever need to talk about anything, and I mean anything, even this decision for example, please don’t be frightened to have a knock on my door. I know exactly how you feel.”
Kerass wanted to fight back. He wanted to tell him how alienated he felt and that he had made a big mistake because it was ruining his entire future. He didn’t have the energy to dwell on his hostility though, for he was too exhausted, and surely enough he found himself drifting off to sleep again.
Jay lay down on his bed in the early afternoon a half hour after school had let out. He groaned realizing that he needed to journal even though it wasn’t his usual time to do so. He knew he needed to process things through writing and looking at the clock, he knew he had a limited time to do so before Jeremy came over.
Once his pen hit the paper, as always his words flowed effortlessly. He began writing by asking the question of why did it always surprise him that processing through words on paper was so easy to do, but so hard to begin. Moving on he acknowledged that both a lot and not much at all had changed over the past three months. He had kept going to the Christian group every Thursday and surprisingly had quickly learned everyone by name. These were people who said hi to him in the halls and asked him how his day was going. But he had withheld his sexuality from them. He had thought it was completely obvious. It was as natural to him as eating and drinking, however none of the group ever mentioned it to him. He was convinced that if they ever thought he was, they’d ask him straight up about it. They were either completely oblivious or completely naive, a characteristic that Kerass used to have in stokes, and even on the rare occasion still showed.
Jay hadn’t spoken to Kerass in a while, not since he shared the good news of his mother responding with a smile. How had he allowed three months to go by without talking with his best friend? There was no excuse. He should be there for Kerass through this awkward time. Although he hadn’t shared about his mother with Kerass. He couldn’t help but think that Kerass was withholding secrets too.
If he was perfectly honest, the reason he had avoided Kerass had to do with Julia. It was odd because there were times he felt so guilty about not admitting he was a part of the detestable protest. In fact, he hadn’t even told Kerass that he was…no, had been friends with Julia.
The doorbell rang and he realized that he’d have to finish journaling later. He ran to the door and opened it with a smile on his face.
“My main man!” Jeremy said giving Jay a high five. He continued saying he was so glad that Jay had asked him over to hang out. “It’ll be fun.”
Jay sighed. He had tried to not make this his everything, but once again, he had failed. “That’s not exactly why I asked you over.”
“Oh?” Jeremy asked laden with sympathy. “What’s up, Jay?”
This was it, the moment of truth. He hated that he had to constantly recome out to each and every friend he would meet for the rest of his life. But he knew that if he wanted Jeremy to be a true friend, he had to know. The words were on the tip of his tongue and stayed there a few seconds before he blurted out, “I’m gay, Jeremy. I know this probably comes as a shock.”
Jeremy simply shook his head. “I know. All of the guys in the group have known honestly since the first time you showed up. Your reputation precedes you.”
Jay was floored. He stammered before he asked how he knew but then took it back muttering that it didn’t matter. “Why didn’t you say anything about it?”
“Because it’s not something I’m going to come to you about. I wasn’t going to out you until you were ready to come to me and tell me about it.”
“So gays are allowed to join the Christian group?”
Jeremy shook his head laughing. “Oh, Jay, what am I going to do with you? Everyone is allowed to join our group.” He patted Jay on the back. “Believe me when I say we never turn anyone away.”
“You’ll still be my friend?” Jay asked ashamed that he even had to vocalize the question.
“Always.”
“So, just to be clear,” Jay began. He asked the question that had been on his mind ever since he began to attend the Christian group on a weekly basis. He asked if the group believed that it was ok to be gay.
Jeremy hesitated. It was obvious from the way that he carried himself that he wanted to say something but just didn’t feel like he could. “Let’s not get into a political discussion. Let’s just chill out and be friends.”
“Why won’t you answer the question?”
“Honestly?”
Jay nodded. He continued to say that he could handle any truth that Jeremy would hit him with.
“Because you’re not ready to hear the answer right now.”
Jay felt alienated, but he simply left it at that and for the rest of the afternoon not a single word was spoken on the subject and while the conversation hadn’t gone the way he had expected or hoped, he had been honest and it had created a new bond between him and Jeremy. He was able to let it go and just relax with his newly close friend Jeremy for the rest of the afternoon before they were going to head off to the reopening ceremony of the water tower together.
Cadence strummed her fingers on the table at her favorite booth in the Hub. She glanced at her watch. The ceremony began 15 minutes ago.
“Gus, come on!” Cadence said. She continued saying that they were going to miss the ceremony entirely.
Gus locked eyes with her. “I was hoping that we could celebrate the new water tower in another way.”
“What are you asking me?” Cadence said miffed at the sudden change in plans.
“Give me one week.”
Cadence raised one eyebrow at him.
The ribbon was slit. The crowd burst into applause as they dedicated the new water tower to the water tower generation. Julia thought this was ludicrous wording, but it was just whatever. This type of a ceremony was one where people joked about ‘you knew you grew up in a SMALL town when…’ It was just so pointless.
“Hey,” Jay said next to her, which brought her back into the real world.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t even see you come over,” Julia said laughing at herself on the inside.
“Are you still mad at me?” Jay asked outright.
Julia was a little taken aback by his assertiveness. This was very unlike Jay. She shook her head. “I was never mad at you,” she began. She continued saying that it was still an awful thing for him to do.
“Does this mean we can still be friends?”
“Why is your basis of friendship based on works?” Julia asked outright. “I forgave you. It was only momentary frustration. Why can’t you just accept my forgiveness point blank?”
And with that Jay simply walked away from her. It was pretty rude, but all right. She may have been too upfront with him, but seriously he just needed to take it. Why couldn’t he take the truth the way that Kerass was always able to? Julia just brushed it off without another thought like she always did.
“It was really awkward,” Jay was explaining to Jeremy a few yards away from Julia. He continued saying that he was quite upset that Jeremy had challenged him in that way. “You made it seem like I had to mend things with her.”
“That’s because you did,” Jeremy responded.
Jay couldn’t think of anything to retort so he simply kept quiet.
Jeremy continued saying that he should tell Mr. Martin about being part of the water tower protest.
“Are you insane? I’d get kicked off the team!” Jay responded flabbergasted.
“You don’t know that. Don’t fret though. I’m not gonna fast for you or anything.”
“Good, so you’re not completely crazy,” Jay added sarcastically.
“I’ve never been crazy, just…broken,” Jeremy trailed off.
Jay was going to ask him what he meant, but then Kerass walked over to him. Jay exhaled. He felt comfortable around Kerass. He felt at home.
“It’s been far too long,” Kerass told Jay.
Jay beamed. “You took the words right out of my mouth.” He turned to introduce Kerass to Jeremy but Jeremy had left.
“Who was that guy you were with?”
“It wasn’t my boyfriend,” Jay said jokily.
“Did I imply that at all?”
Jay shook his head. He told Kerass that his name was Jeremy and that he had met him at the Christian group.
“You’re going to the Christian group?” Kerass asked pleasantly.
“Yeah,” Jay said. “I know it comes as a surprise.”
“Nothing about you surprises me anymore,” Kerass said with an air of jokiness about him.
“Jeremy reminds me of you, a lot actually.”
Kerass smiled. “That’s sweet, Jay. Thank you for that, really.”
Jay knew he needed to reconnect with Kerass. Their bond was too strong to ever fully die. It was good that they were taking the time to catch up in their crazy lives.
“I’m sorry, I’m gonna have to cut this short…later, though?”
Before Jay could fully comprehend what Kerass had said he watched as Kerass walked away from him. It must be the final football game of the season.
“Break a leg! Or whatever they say in football,” Jay called out to him.
Kerass paused and turned around. “Thanks,” he muttered. Jay could tell that his eyes were glistening. Kerass was hiding something, if not flat out lying, and he was going to find out what it was.
The final score flashed in his mind. 17-3. He mumbled the score out loud to himself. They had lost. They hadn’t even scored a single touchdown. The team was drowning without him and his tears as he watched in horror during the rivalry game could have overflowed a storm drain. Kerass stood in the bathroom. He splashed water on his face trying to cover up his tears from his father. The straight razor lay on the sink counter. He had poorly taken it out of a cheap shaving razor, which left over 30 minute cuts on his left hand. He needed space, but the whole concept of spaces between people seemed impossible even in as small a town as Oak Stream. The stress was too much for him and the only way he knew how to relieve stress was through pain. He slapped his forearm three times and then slowly took the razor across his flesh. He knew it wouldn’t kill him. He had no desire to die, just an overwhelming desire to feel. Then he cut himself again.
Sunday, July 12, 2015
Fallen Leaves - Chapter 25: Alive
To say that Kerass had been enraptured all week didn’t even begin to describe how full his heart felt. Progress. There was progress and with progress came more and more progress and Kerass couldn’t even hold it in. He belly laughed, almost a cackle. He felt alive for the first time in months. He was alone on the field before practice. He sprinted across the field waving his hands in the air totally carefree. As he hit the 20-yard line, he tripped. When he looked behind, he saw that a sprinkler was out. It must have been faulty. None of the other sprinklers were on. He lay on the ground contemplating who he should tell about the faulty sprinkler for a minute.
The rest of the sprinklers came on which only made Kerass even more ecstatic. He giddily ran through the sprinklers soaking himself. Oddly enough as he ran through the sprinklers, his mother wasn’t the woman he was thinking of. Cadence came to mind. He missed her smile, her compassion. His mind transported him back to the beginning, the day they first met.
“I bet we have the same question…” he mumbled to himself.
He heard her laugh. For a few seconds he couldn’t tell if it was real or if he had imagined it. Then he saw her walking through the sprinklers over to him.
“Reminiscing are we?” she asked.
Kerass nodded smiling. He admitted it was random. “I’m not exactly sure where that came from.”
“Memories can be fickle like that,” she began. She continued saying that rarely do we ask for them to come back to mind. “It’s kind of unexplainable. They just sort of do.”
“Hey, guess what!” Kerass said jumping up and down.
“I’ve never seen you like this, so happy, so excited.”
“My mom was responsive when I visited her last week.”
Kerass looked at her eyes as they drifted down to the grass. It wasn’t the reaction he was expecting. He thought she would jump into his arms telling him how great that all was.
“I just don’t want you to get your hopes up, Kerass,” Cadence said looking back up at him.
Kerass couldn’t believe it. He had had this very same conversation with his father. He bit his tongue. He didn’t want to punish her because despite how insensitive she was in the moment, she was at least trying.
“Let’s not ruin the moment,” he finally said and with that everything was dropped.
They ran through the sprinklers again just before they were turned off.
Julia walked down Main Street heading to nowhere in particular. She wasn’t even aware that she had walked past Main Street and by the time she realized where she was again, she was at the water tower. Yellow caution tape had been spread all around the legs of the tower. There was a wooden sign right next to the tower that said that a new water tower would be up and fully functional in three months time. Tear down date was the very next day.
They had finally gotten enough money to replace the rickety old water tower. It’s about damn time, Julia thought to herself. She heard stifled sniffling.
“What on earth?” she uttered aloud embarrassed when she realized she was talking to herself.
She walked towards the forest where she thought she had initially heard the sniffling. She rolled her eyes and mouthed ‘kill me now’ when she saw that it was Lyra.
“They can’t tear it down, they just can’t,” she heard Lyra mutter to herself.
Lyra was sitting Indian style and swaying back and forth. Her head visibly shook uncontrollably at times. In that instant Julia began to hate herself, for she had started to pity Lyra. She felt bad for her because there was something clearly wrong with her.
“Do you want to do something about it?” Julia asked.
Lyra gasped turning around and looking at Julia. She could barely talk. She mixed up a few words before she said anything even close to a cohesive sentence. “I think we should do a demonstration and sit in front of the tower to ensure that our town’s historic monument doesn’t go to waste, doesn’t get washed away by something unnecessary and offensive to the souls of our town’s past.”
Julia didn’t even want to begin attempting to grasp what she meant by being offensive to some non-existent ghosts, but it was just whatever. Lyra needed companionship and if she needed a friend or two to come along protecting the town from some weird ghost superstition, then that was fine. It’d make an excellent diary entry that’s for sure.
Lyra began to cry again. “But we don’t have any people to help us,” she wailed.
Julia told Lyra not to worry. “I’ve got someone in mind who I’m convinced will join us.”
The bell jingled as Cadence walked into the comic book store. The clearance sale sign that stated that everything needed to be sold only solidified what she had heard while sitting on the park bench. Gus smiled raising one eyebrow at her. She wanted to laugh, have fun with him, but she just didn’t feel like it.
“You usually visit on Wednesdays. How come you missed? I haven’t seen you in here in nearly 2 weeks,” Gus said pep coloring his voice.
She had to say something, but she didn’t know what. He was avoiding the reality of the store closing. Had she not eavesdropped, she wouldn’t feel so tense. She wasn’t sure how to be honest with him, or even if she wanted to be.
“Something came up,” Cadence said tritely.
“Ok,” Gus said without a care.
Cadence found herself getting upset. She asked him why he didn’t ask her further questions. “Don’t you know how to follow the rules of subtlety?”
“You didn’t want to talk about it. I wasn’t going to force you,” Gus said his voice bearing confidence again.
“It’s nothing, really,” Cadence said avoiding eye contact.
Gus shook his head. “You’re not being honest,” he paused. “Talk,” he emphasized. “Now,” he commanded.
“Fine,” Cadence caved in. She began talking about Lyra’s weird plan to protest the tearing down of the old water tower. She said they would just sit in front of it. “Although I’m not convinced it’ll do any good.”
“Let me stop you right there. You’re not seriously considering joining in on this, are you?”
“I was sort of hoping that you would join…” Cadence mumbled.
“Don’t be foolish.”
Cadence didn’t reply. The more Gus talked about it though, the more Lyra’s crazy idea sounded horrible.
Gus scratched his head and said, “I don’t want to see that water tower torn down any more than the next person does, but I know I can’t do anything about it. You’ll get in serious trouble if you join. I’m telling you don’t do it.”
“You don’t have to be protective of me,” Cadence said rolling her eyes at him.
“I’m not. I’m just being smart, logical if you will. Promise me you won’t risk getting arrested over some stupid protest that won’t affect this change in any way. It’d only slow down the inevitable by what about 10 minutes?”
“Fine,” Cadence whispered.
Gus stroked her chin. “Good. I’m proud of you.”
Quickly saying she had to go, Cadence left without another word. She didn’t want to over think anything, which was an impossibility. She was beginning to wonder if the awkwardness she felt around Gus meant more than simply just seeing him be emotionally vulnerable with the store manager. Without saying it out loud she had sorta made a pact with Lyra not to date any boys for a year. She had told Kerass verbally, but Kerass was a big boy. He'd get over it, hopefully. Making this promise to Gus not to join Lyra wasn’t as big of a promise, but it gave her pause. It was much more important to her to keep a promise to Gus than it was to keep a pact with Lyra, or follow up on her word with Kerass.
“I don’t think Cadence is going to make it,” Lyra responded to Jay.
Jay shook his head and muttered, “Figures.”
Why had he agreed to this? Julia had guilt tripped him into it. He liked Julia, he admitted bitterly. She always got what she wanted and that was a quality that he admired. He wanted to emulate her, but he didn’t exactly want to be close to her. It seemed like it would be a mistake.
Lyra sat Indian style in front of the water tower. Perhaps she was meditating, but it didn’t look like any legit form of meditation that Jay knew of.
“We need to be one with nature,” Lyra said somewhat singing the same note. “The ground will protect the tower,” she said jumping up an octave on the word tower.
Jay pointed out that the water tower wasn’t nature. “It’s man made,” he added exasperatedly.
Seeing Lyra’s face droop so suddenly, he immediately regretted saying what he felt out loud.
He looked over at Julia who was sitting behind Lyra. She was asleep. You could even hear the faintest sound of a snore pass between her lips. Jay started to chuckle under his breath, but the harder he tried to hold it in, the harder it became to not bust out laughing.
Lyra turned around glaring at him, which instantly made him shut up. Her eyes bugged out when they heard a stick snap. A flashlight turned on and the red and blue lights highlighted the forest behind them.
“RUN!” Lyra yelled in a hoarse whisper.
They both got up running away from the tower straight into the forest off the trail. They waited in silence sitting behind trees for 10 minutes before they heard the sirens move away from them. Jay and Lyra locked eyes with each other and both burst out laughing. Maybe Lyra could be fun after all. It was a lot of fun ditching the authorities, that was for sure. The night was a major success. He felt completely relieved from pressure, which color guard gave him. For the first time since he had received the restraining order from his birth mother, he felt alive.
“Wait, where’s Julia?” Lyra asked crashing him down.
Jay gasped.
Thursday had come around again and that meant there was another Christian group meeting after school. Jay was counting down the minutes on the clock. He was so excited he barely took any notes all day in any of his classes. He even ran into the guy who he had met just before last week’s meeting on the walk to lunch.
“Hey! Jay, right?”
Jay was impressed that he remembered his name, but at the same time he felt bad for not remembering his.
“It’s Jeremy. We met at the Christian group last week,” the guy added.
Jay had forgotten to acknowledge that Jeremy had gotten his name correct. Trying to rectify awkwardly standing there he said, “Sorry, yeah, you’re right, my name’s Jay. My brain farted and I guess I forgot how to talk for a minute.”
Jeremy laughed telling Jay that he was so funny. “Will I be seeing you after school today for this week’s meeting?”
“Definitely,” Jay said smiling.
“Awesome man,” Jeremy said giving him a high five and walked away.
Jay realized then that he had forgotten his lunch bag in the band room. Mr. Martin was going to murder him. He quickly turned around and walked into the storage room where his lunch bag was sitting in his storage locker, which evidently wasn’t locked. The band was full of good guys though, so they wouldn’t screw around with him like that. He unzipped his lunch bag and surely enough everything was in tact. He felt bad for even having a sliver of a doubt that his teammates wouldn’t treat him with respect.
As he began to walk out he heard Julia’s voice. “I’m so sorry, Mr. Martin. I don’t know what happened. I must have fallen asleep, but I’m telling you I wasn’t the only one there.”
“Who else was there?” he heard Mr. Martin ask.
He sat down on the floor not wanting to be seen, but not wanting to leave. He had to know what was going to happen with Julia, whether she would rat him out. Apparently Julia remained silent.
“I’m sorry Julia, but an illegal protest like this that resulted in your arrest is unacceptable. As long as you keep quiet I’m going to have to ask you to refrain from all team practices and competitions.”
“But Mr. Martin, it’s my senior year!” Julia emphasized. She continued asking him not to take the team away from her.
“I’m sorry, there’s nothing I can do,” was all he said in response.
Jay waited a minute before opening the storage room door to walk out of the band room. Julia had already been suspended for 3 days and now her punishment was continuing. He felt very lucky that he had not been the one to be caught. He also felt guilty because he was part of the reason that she did get caught. Although it was her idea to ask him there and he really hadn’t wanted to go in the first place, so basically it was all her fault.
Right before he left the band room, he caught eyes with Julia. She stared straight at him with a piercing sorrow. He looked away hoping that she wouldn’t still be looking at him when he finally left. He turned around as he walked out the door and saw that she definitely was still glaring at him.
Kerass was running down the football field in an attempt to make an interception during practice. He caught the ball, just as he thought he would and instantly started running. One of his teammates tackled him from the side. His head hit the faulty sprinkler. He felt a warm liquid in the grass surrounding his head. Everything went black.
The rest of the sprinklers came on which only made Kerass even more ecstatic. He giddily ran through the sprinklers soaking himself. Oddly enough as he ran through the sprinklers, his mother wasn’t the woman he was thinking of. Cadence came to mind. He missed her smile, her compassion. His mind transported him back to the beginning, the day they first met.
“I bet we have the same question…” he mumbled to himself.
He heard her laugh. For a few seconds he couldn’t tell if it was real or if he had imagined it. Then he saw her walking through the sprinklers over to him.
“Reminiscing are we?” she asked.
Kerass nodded smiling. He admitted it was random. “I’m not exactly sure where that came from.”
“Memories can be fickle like that,” she began. She continued saying that rarely do we ask for them to come back to mind. “It’s kind of unexplainable. They just sort of do.”
“Hey, guess what!” Kerass said jumping up and down.
“I’ve never seen you like this, so happy, so excited.”
“My mom was responsive when I visited her last week.”
Kerass looked at her eyes as they drifted down to the grass. It wasn’t the reaction he was expecting. He thought she would jump into his arms telling him how great that all was.
“I just don’t want you to get your hopes up, Kerass,” Cadence said looking back up at him.
Kerass couldn’t believe it. He had had this very same conversation with his father. He bit his tongue. He didn’t want to punish her because despite how insensitive she was in the moment, she was at least trying.
“Let’s not ruin the moment,” he finally said and with that everything was dropped.
They ran through the sprinklers again just before they were turned off.
Julia walked down Main Street heading to nowhere in particular. She wasn’t even aware that she had walked past Main Street and by the time she realized where she was again, she was at the water tower. Yellow caution tape had been spread all around the legs of the tower. There was a wooden sign right next to the tower that said that a new water tower would be up and fully functional in three months time. Tear down date was the very next day.
They had finally gotten enough money to replace the rickety old water tower. It’s about damn time, Julia thought to herself. She heard stifled sniffling.
“What on earth?” she uttered aloud embarrassed when she realized she was talking to herself.
She walked towards the forest where she thought she had initially heard the sniffling. She rolled her eyes and mouthed ‘kill me now’ when she saw that it was Lyra.
“They can’t tear it down, they just can’t,” she heard Lyra mutter to herself.
Lyra was sitting Indian style and swaying back and forth. Her head visibly shook uncontrollably at times. In that instant Julia began to hate herself, for she had started to pity Lyra. She felt bad for her because there was something clearly wrong with her.
“Do you want to do something about it?” Julia asked.
Lyra gasped turning around and looking at Julia. She could barely talk. She mixed up a few words before she said anything even close to a cohesive sentence. “I think we should do a demonstration and sit in front of the tower to ensure that our town’s historic monument doesn’t go to waste, doesn’t get washed away by something unnecessary and offensive to the souls of our town’s past.”
Julia didn’t even want to begin attempting to grasp what she meant by being offensive to some non-existent ghosts, but it was just whatever. Lyra needed companionship and if she needed a friend or two to come along protecting the town from some weird ghost superstition, then that was fine. It’d make an excellent diary entry that’s for sure.
Lyra began to cry again. “But we don’t have any people to help us,” she wailed.
Julia told Lyra not to worry. “I’ve got someone in mind who I’m convinced will join us.”
The bell jingled as Cadence walked into the comic book store. The clearance sale sign that stated that everything needed to be sold only solidified what she had heard while sitting on the park bench. Gus smiled raising one eyebrow at her. She wanted to laugh, have fun with him, but she just didn’t feel like it.
“You usually visit on Wednesdays. How come you missed? I haven’t seen you in here in nearly 2 weeks,” Gus said pep coloring his voice.
She had to say something, but she didn’t know what. He was avoiding the reality of the store closing. Had she not eavesdropped, she wouldn’t feel so tense. She wasn’t sure how to be honest with him, or even if she wanted to be.
“Something came up,” Cadence said tritely.
“Ok,” Gus said without a care.
Cadence found herself getting upset. She asked him why he didn’t ask her further questions. “Don’t you know how to follow the rules of subtlety?”
“You didn’t want to talk about it. I wasn’t going to force you,” Gus said his voice bearing confidence again.
“It’s nothing, really,” Cadence said avoiding eye contact.
Gus shook his head. “You’re not being honest,” he paused. “Talk,” he emphasized. “Now,” he commanded.
“Fine,” Cadence caved in. She began talking about Lyra’s weird plan to protest the tearing down of the old water tower. She said they would just sit in front of it. “Although I’m not convinced it’ll do any good.”
“Let me stop you right there. You’re not seriously considering joining in on this, are you?”
“I was sort of hoping that you would join…” Cadence mumbled.
“Don’t be foolish.”
Cadence didn’t reply. The more Gus talked about it though, the more Lyra’s crazy idea sounded horrible.
Gus scratched his head and said, “I don’t want to see that water tower torn down any more than the next person does, but I know I can’t do anything about it. You’ll get in serious trouble if you join. I’m telling you don’t do it.”
“You don’t have to be protective of me,” Cadence said rolling her eyes at him.
“I’m not. I’m just being smart, logical if you will. Promise me you won’t risk getting arrested over some stupid protest that won’t affect this change in any way. It’d only slow down the inevitable by what about 10 minutes?”
“Fine,” Cadence whispered.
Gus stroked her chin. “Good. I’m proud of you.”
Quickly saying she had to go, Cadence left without another word. She didn’t want to over think anything, which was an impossibility. She was beginning to wonder if the awkwardness she felt around Gus meant more than simply just seeing him be emotionally vulnerable with the store manager. Without saying it out loud she had sorta made a pact with Lyra not to date any boys for a year. She had told Kerass verbally, but Kerass was a big boy. He'd get over it, hopefully. Making this promise to Gus not to join Lyra wasn’t as big of a promise, but it gave her pause. It was much more important to her to keep a promise to Gus than it was to keep a pact with Lyra, or follow up on her word with Kerass.
“I don’t think Cadence is going to make it,” Lyra responded to Jay.
Jay shook his head and muttered, “Figures.”
Why had he agreed to this? Julia had guilt tripped him into it. He liked Julia, he admitted bitterly. She always got what she wanted and that was a quality that he admired. He wanted to emulate her, but he didn’t exactly want to be close to her. It seemed like it would be a mistake.
Lyra sat Indian style in front of the water tower. Perhaps she was meditating, but it didn’t look like any legit form of meditation that Jay knew of.
“We need to be one with nature,” Lyra said somewhat singing the same note. “The ground will protect the tower,” she said jumping up an octave on the word tower.
Jay pointed out that the water tower wasn’t nature. “It’s man made,” he added exasperatedly.
Seeing Lyra’s face droop so suddenly, he immediately regretted saying what he felt out loud.
He looked over at Julia who was sitting behind Lyra. She was asleep. You could even hear the faintest sound of a snore pass between her lips. Jay started to chuckle under his breath, but the harder he tried to hold it in, the harder it became to not bust out laughing.
Lyra turned around glaring at him, which instantly made him shut up. Her eyes bugged out when they heard a stick snap. A flashlight turned on and the red and blue lights highlighted the forest behind them.
“RUN!” Lyra yelled in a hoarse whisper.
They both got up running away from the tower straight into the forest off the trail. They waited in silence sitting behind trees for 10 minutes before they heard the sirens move away from them. Jay and Lyra locked eyes with each other and both burst out laughing. Maybe Lyra could be fun after all. It was a lot of fun ditching the authorities, that was for sure. The night was a major success. He felt completely relieved from pressure, which color guard gave him. For the first time since he had received the restraining order from his birth mother, he felt alive.
“Wait, where’s Julia?” Lyra asked crashing him down.
Jay gasped.
Thursday had come around again and that meant there was another Christian group meeting after school. Jay was counting down the minutes on the clock. He was so excited he barely took any notes all day in any of his classes. He even ran into the guy who he had met just before last week’s meeting on the walk to lunch.
“Hey! Jay, right?”
Jay was impressed that he remembered his name, but at the same time he felt bad for not remembering his.
“It’s Jeremy. We met at the Christian group last week,” the guy added.
Jay had forgotten to acknowledge that Jeremy had gotten his name correct. Trying to rectify awkwardly standing there he said, “Sorry, yeah, you’re right, my name’s Jay. My brain farted and I guess I forgot how to talk for a minute.”
Jeremy laughed telling Jay that he was so funny. “Will I be seeing you after school today for this week’s meeting?”
“Definitely,” Jay said smiling.
“Awesome man,” Jeremy said giving him a high five and walked away.
Jay realized then that he had forgotten his lunch bag in the band room. Mr. Martin was going to murder him. He quickly turned around and walked into the storage room where his lunch bag was sitting in his storage locker, which evidently wasn’t locked. The band was full of good guys though, so they wouldn’t screw around with him like that. He unzipped his lunch bag and surely enough everything was in tact. He felt bad for even having a sliver of a doubt that his teammates wouldn’t treat him with respect.
As he began to walk out he heard Julia’s voice. “I’m so sorry, Mr. Martin. I don’t know what happened. I must have fallen asleep, but I’m telling you I wasn’t the only one there.”
“Who else was there?” he heard Mr. Martin ask.
He sat down on the floor not wanting to be seen, but not wanting to leave. He had to know what was going to happen with Julia, whether she would rat him out. Apparently Julia remained silent.
“I’m sorry Julia, but an illegal protest like this that resulted in your arrest is unacceptable. As long as you keep quiet I’m going to have to ask you to refrain from all team practices and competitions.”
“But Mr. Martin, it’s my senior year!” Julia emphasized. She continued asking him not to take the team away from her.
“I’m sorry, there’s nothing I can do,” was all he said in response.
Jay waited a minute before opening the storage room door to walk out of the band room. Julia had already been suspended for 3 days and now her punishment was continuing. He felt very lucky that he had not been the one to be caught. He also felt guilty because he was part of the reason that she did get caught. Although it was her idea to ask him there and he really hadn’t wanted to go in the first place, so basically it was all her fault.
Right before he left the band room, he caught eyes with Julia. She stared straight at him with a piercing sorrow. He looked away hoping that she wouldn’t still be looking at him when he finally left. He turned around as he walked out the door and saw that she definitely was still glaring at him.
Kerass was running down the football field in an attempt to make an interception during practice. He caught the ball, just as he thought he would and instantly started running. One of his teammates tackled him from the side. His head hit the faulty sprinkler. He felt a warm liquid in the grass surrounding his head. Everything went black.
Sunday, July 5, 2015
Fallen Leaves - Chapter 24: Irresistible
Nothing was said. Nothing was spoken and for a week, Kerass remained silent outside of calling plays during football practices. No one seemed to notice a difference in him, or even cared for that matter. His alarm clock woke him up. Before he had gotten into this funk, he never needed his alarm to wake himself up. Now he needed 3 alarms just to ensure that he would arrive at school on time. He needed more sleep. In the past he always got this on the bus, but seeing as he was driving himself to school now, he needed extra time in bed. He loved living in the dreamscape. It wasn’t scary, it was fairly stress free, and he had an innate ability to wake himself up if he was having a nightmare. He would do anything to simply stay in the dreamscape, but today was different. He had set his alarm up a solid hour earlier than he had all of the past week. He quickly dressed and dashed down the stairs silently, hoping he could just leave without running into…
“Kerass?” his father asked half asleep. “What are you doing up so early? It’s not even 5:00 in the morning.”
Kerass bit his tongue in an attempt to disguise his disappointment. “I’m just…” Kerass exhaled. He wanted to lie, but he couldn’t. He didn’t see the point in lying. His father couldn’t stop him once he was in the car anyways. “I’m going to see Mom.”
His father’s eyes drooped. He stated that he understood how Kerass felt and it was very sweet and all. “We should discuss your mother.”
“No,” Kerass shook his head. “I’m later already than I planned to be because we’ve just wasted 5 minutes chatting.”
“Kerass, please can’t we just talk about this now?”
“It’ll have to wait,” Kerass said as he walked out the door. His itch to talk to her, to verbally process with her wouldn’t be satisfied until he sat down by her bedside at the hospital. He knew he was ditching, but he would be back for football practice. School could wait, but his private time with his mother could not.
Taking a deep breath standing outside the classroom, Jay struggled to move. Oak Stream’s Gay Straight Alliance, abbreviated GSA, was meeting in E68, a classroom in the History hallway. He had been looking forward to the first meeting ever since the school year had begun. Color guard was no longer enough to distract him from the reality that his birth mother had given him a restraining order. He needed this group.
Stepping into the classroom, he was surprised by the lack of people in the group. He was there with three other guys and a girl. The teacher wasn’t even there. Two of the boys avoided eye contact. They were fellow marching band members. He was bewildered why they were there because they were extremely heterosexist. Jay thought they must have been a couple, but they weren’t out yet…very interesting. The girl put her finger to her mouth motioning silence.
The other guy walked up to him and held out his hand. “You’re Damien’s boyfriend, right?”
Jay corrected him saying he was his ex. “The name’s Jay.”
The other boy shook Jay’s hand without stating his own name. There was an uneasiness in the room that Jay couldn’t quite grapple. Although it was hard to focus since the other boy just wouldn’t shut up. Jay felt bad, but he tuned out the other boy for a good three minutes of persistent chatting, with not a single pause asking his opinion or asking him questions about himself.
“Gosh, I feel like I already know you! We’re getting along so well.”
“Yeah,” Jay added slowly. “Just peachy.”
“It must be so cool being so comfortable with who you are. I mean, you’ve been an inspiration to me. You’re out! I don’t know if I’ll ever get that far as long as I’m here at Oak Stream.”
“I’m not as happy as you’d like to think.”
The other boy shook his head beaming. “I don’t believe that. Listen, do you want to maybe grab a coffee later this week?”
“I’m sorry,” Jay said and just walked out of the room without a word. He could tell that the other boy was calling out to him and said something, but it didn’t register. He understood what he had done wrong then. He had invaded their turf. The GSA was a safe place, but only for closeted people. For people who were out, it was only a dating pool. He wasn’t sure if he was happy that he was out now. He wasn’t dating Damien anymore and his father remained distant, despite this past summer. He was more alone than ever. The group was anything from irresistible as the flier had promised.
The other boy called out again, louder this time. “You don’t want to go in there, trust me!”
Jay wasn’t even thinking of stopping by another classroom, another meeting, but he’d do anything to avoid the GSA boy who wouldn’t be quiet even after he had left the group. There was a guy in a black shirt and jeans handing out fliers in front of room E63. He was familiar with the room having taken Advanced Government his sophomore year there. Mr. Baganz, his old history teacher was standing at the front of the classroom, a definite plus.
“Hey, do you want to join us? Everybody’s welcome.”
Looking at the flier he understood the GSA boy’s warnings. It was the Christian group. He couldn’t explain why, but when he heard ‘everybody’s welcome’ he believed it. He needed some place to be safe, even if it was a place that would condemn him for his sexuality. It made no sense, he acknowledged that, but he needed to get away from the GSA asap.
“Sure, I’ll join.”
“Excellent!” the guy said holding the door open for him.
As he entered he had this strange inkling that the guy in the black shirt was going to become a very close friend of his. He knew it was illogical after only exchanging one sentence with him, but for some reason, he felt drawn to him. He wanted desperately to be his friend. Not his boyfriend, simply his friend.
The clock chimed at 2:30. Practice would begin soon. Julia stressed out. She didn’t want to be late no matter what. She felt liberated on the field, but if she were late, she’d have to do 10 pushups, which was not going to happen…ever. She waited outside the band room. The door was locked, making her completely perplexed. As the minutes ticked away, she knew now that she would be late. Then it dawned on her. There was no after school practice on Wednesday and Thursday’s practice began after 6 p.m. Feeling liberated, she started to make her way out of the school towards her car.
Cadence was standing outside the theater classroom. Julia waved ever so slightly at her. Cadence nodded with a hint of a smile on her face. Cadence walked out of the hallway, neither saying a word to one another. Lyra, the new girl who had moved in just down the street from her, walked over to the bulletin board for the drama department.
“Lyra, right?” Julia asked.
Lyra nodded embarrassed. “I’m sorry,” she began in an attempt to excuse away her behavior. The cast list for You Can’t Take It With You had just been posted after school that day. “I was supposed to see it with Cadence. Have you, by any chance, seen her?”
“You just missed her actually.”
“Oh…” Lyra trailed.
Their nonverbals confirmed it was most likely bad news for Cadence. Julia wasn’t quite sure why she was staying.
Lyra backed away from the list her hands covering her mouth. She backed up against the wall and slid down it crying uncontrollably. Theater kids…always taking things too personally, Julia thought bitterly.
“I got the lead,” Lyra got out amidst her tears. “Cadence is my understudy.”
Julia wasn’t confident she knew what an understudy was, but she didn’t really care to know either.
“Listen,” Julia began. She said she was heading out and stated that since Lyra lived down the street that it only made sense. “Do you want a ride home?”
Lyra shook her head silently.
“You sure?”
Lyra smiled wiping the tears away from her eyes. “I think I’m gonna walk home.”
“But that’s 3 miles away…” Julia said befuddled.
“I know, I,” Lyra paused letting out a small laugh. “I just need some time to think.”
“Cool, whatever,” Julia said leaving. All the better, she thought to herself. Lyra was one bizarre chick and Julia wasn’t convinced that she really wanted to get to know her. There was something odd about her. It could have just been typical theater kid bull, but there seemed to be this dark cloud surrounding her. As she got in her car, the more she thought about it, the more Julia realized that she wanted nothing to do with Lyra.
“I’m sorry, I just can’t give you any more hours,” the manager of the comic book store on Main Street said.
Cadence sat on the bench outside of the store trying to see Gus at his job. She couldn’t help overhearing the fact that Gus was seeking more money. It was all very curious. She wanted to know why…
“But if I don’t help you, we’ll, we’ll…” Gus said his voice cracking.
It was astonishing. She had never heard Gus have so much emotion in his voice. No matter what, she knew she couldn’t be seen.
“I’m sorry, Gus. I know how much this store means to you.”
“No!” Gus shouted. “You can’t just give up.”
“I can’t pay to hold onto you anymore. I’m gonna have to let you go,” the manager said lamenting.
“Please,” Gus said straining his voice. Cadence looked into the store. Gus’ eyes were shimmering. Tears started to slowly creep down his face. “I did, I did everything I could to help save-”
“I know, son. You don’t have to say it. I know what you’ve given up for me, even that spot on the varsity team.”
“It was nothing…” Gus said his voice trailing.
“I knew how much you wanted that after you tried out. You couldn’t stop talking about it for days.”
“Please! You’re like a father figure to me. Please don’t let me go,” Gus pleaded.
“I didn’t want to share this. It will only make it harder on you, but I realize now that I must.” The owner said something muffled about how painful it was to share things and how much he didn’t want to. Cadence wanted to shout at him to simply spit it out. She had to bite her tongue to control her impulse. She could not reveal what she knew. “I can’t keep the store at all. There’s just not the audience anymore for a comic book store here. Maybe there never was.”
Gus started sniffling. Cadence watched as the store manager went over and hugged him. Gus clung to the manager balling into his shirt. The manager patted his back.
“It’s all right, let it all out.”
“I can’t be left again,” Gus said between sobs.
“Look at me! Look at me,” the manager said sternly, but with a comfort Cadence had never heard from an adult before. “I’m not going anywhere. You are like a son to me and you know that I love you with everything I’ve got.”
“Stop trying to protect me,” Gus said after he had stopped crying.
“That was wrong of me, I know. But I’m not going anywhere. I’m still going to be here in Oak Stream for you.”
“What will become of the store?” Gus asked.
Quietly Cadence got off the bench going on her knees to avoid being seen through the window. She had heard enough. Seeing Gus be so emotionally vulnerable was uncomfortable for her. Was it even possible that she could care for him even more than she had before? She couldn’t remember what she had been meaning to tell Gus, but one thing was for certain: it wasn’t anywhere near as important as Gus staying connected with quite possibly the only solid authority figure in his life.
Squeezing her hand to say goodbye, Kerass started to walk out of his mother’s hospital room. He had stayed with her all day, well past the end of school. He had intended to make it to football practice, but talking to his mom, spending what little time he could with her as she lay in a coma, he had lost all sense of time. It was time to leave. He could feel it in his gut.
Waving ever so slightly, he started to walk out of the room and just before he left, he saw something odd. She was smiling at him.
“Kerass?” his father asked half asleep. “What are you doing up so early? It’s not even 5:00 in the morning.”
Kerass bit his tongue in an attempt to disguise his disappointment. “I’m just…” Kerass exhaled. He wanted to lie, but he couldn’t. He didn’t see the point in lying. His father couldn’t stop him once he was in the car anyways. “I’m going to see Mom.”
His father’s eyes drooped. He stated that he understood how Kerass felt and it was very sweet and all. “We should discuss your mother.”
“No,” Kerass shook his head. “I’m later already than I planned to be because we’ve just wasted 5 minutes chatting.”
“Kerass, please can’t we just talk about this now?”
“It’ll have to wait,” Kerass said as he walked out the door. His itch to talk to her, to verbally process with her wouldn’t be satisfied until he sat down by her bedside at the hospital. He knew he was ditching, but he would be back for football practice. School could wait, but his private time with his mother could not.
Taking a deep breath standing outside the classroom, Jay struggled to move. Oak Stream’s Gay Straight Alliance, abbreviated GSA, was meeting in E68, a classroom in the History hallway. He had been looking forward to the first meeting ever since the school year had begun. Color guard was no longer enough to distract him from the reality that his birth mother had given him a restraining order. He needed this group.
Stepping into the classroom, he was surprised by the lack of people in the group. He was there with three other guys and a girl. The teacher wasn’t even there. Two of the boys avoided eye contact. They were fellow marching band members. He was bewildered why they were there because they were extremely heterosexist. Jay thought they must have been a couple, but they weren’t out yet…very interesting. The girl put her finger to her mouth motioning silence.
The other guy walked up to him and held out his hand. “You’re Damien’s boyfriend, right?”
Jay corrected him saying he was his ex. “The name’s Jay.”
The other boy shook Jay’s hand without stating his own name. There was an uneasiness in the room that Jay couldn’t quite grapple. Although it was hard to focus since the other boy just wouldn’t shut up. Jay felt bad, but he tuned out the other boy for a good three minutes of persistent chatting, with not a single pause asking his opinion or asking him questions about himself.
“Gosh, I feel like I already know you! We’re getting along so well.”
“Yeah,” Jay added slowly. “Just peachy.”
“It must be so cool being so comfortable with who you are. I mean, you’ve been an inspiration to me. You’re out! I don’t know if I’ll ever get that far as long as I’m here at Oak Stream.”
“I’m not as happy as you’d like to think.”
The other boy shook his head beaming. “I don’t believe that. Listen, do you want to maybe grab a coffee later this week?”
“I’m sorry,” Jay said and just walked out of the room without a word. He could tell that the other boy was calling out to him and said something, but it didn’t register. He understood what he had done wrong then. He had invaded their turf. The GSA was a safe place, but only for closeted people. For people who were out, it was only a dating pool. He wasn’t sure if he was happy that he was out now. He wasn’t dating Damien anymore and his father remained distant, despite this past summer. He was more alone than ever. The group was anything from irresistible as the flier had promised.
The other boy called out again, louder this time. “You don’t want to go in there, trust me!”
Jay wasn’t even thinking of stopping by another classroom, another meeting, but he’d do anything to avoid the GSA boy who wouldn’t be quiet even after he had left the group. There was a guy in a black shirt and jeans handing out fliers in front of room E63. He was familiar with the room having taken Advanced Government his sophomore year there. Mr. Baganz, his old history teacher was standing at the front of the classroom, a definite plus.
“Hey, do you want to join us? Everybody’s welcome.”
Looking at the flier he understood the GSA boy’s warnings. It was the Christian group. He couldn’t explain why, but when he heard ‘everybody’s welcome’ he believed it. He needed some place to be safe, even if it was a place that would condemn him for his sexuality. It made no sense, he acknowledged that, but he needed to get away from the GSA asap.
“Sure, I’ll join.”
“Excellent!” the guy said holding the door open for him.
As he entered he had this strange inkling that the guy in the black shirt was going to become a very close friend of his. He knew it was illogical after only exchanging one sentence with him, but for some reason, he felt drawn to him. He wanted desperately to be his friend. Not his boyfriend, simply his friend.
The clock chimed at 2:30. Practice would begin soon. Julia stressed out. She didn’t want to be late no matter what. She felt liberated on the field, but if she were late, she’d have to do 10 pushups, which was not going to happen…ever. She waited outside the band room. The door was locked, making her completely perplexed. As the minutes ticked away, she knew now that she would be late. Then it dawned on her. There was no after school practice on Wednesday and Thursday’s practice began after 6 p.m. Feeling liberated, she started to make her way out of the school towards her car.
Cadence was standing outside the theater classroom. Julia waved ever so slightly at her. Cadence nodded with a hint of a smile on her face. Cadence walked out of the hallway, neither saying a word to one another. Lyra, the new girl who had moved in just down the street from her, walked over to the bulletin board for the drama department.
“Lyra, right?” Julia asked.
Lyra nodded embarrassed. “I’m sorry,” she began in an attempt to excuse away her behavior. The cast list for You Can’t Take It With You had just been posted after school that day. “I was supposed to see it with Cadence. Have you, by any chance, seen her?”
“You just missed her actually.”
“Oh…” Lyra trailed.
Their nonverbals confirmed it was most likely bad news for Cadence. Julia wasn’t quite sure why she was staying.
Lyra backed away from the list her hands covering her mouth. She backed up against the wall and slid down it crying uncontrollably. Theater kids…always taking things too personally, Julia thought bitterly.
“I got the lead,” Lyra got out amidst her tears. “Cadence is my understudy.”
Julia wasn’t confident she knew what an understudy was, but she didn’t really care to know either.
“Listen,” Julia began. She said she was heading out and stated that since Lyra lived down the street that it only made sense. “Do you want a ride home?”
Lyra shook her head silently.
“You sure?”
Lyra smiled wiping the tears away from her eyes. “I think I’m gonna walk home.”
“But that’s 3 miles away…” Julia said befuddled.
“I know, I,” Lyra paused letting out a small laugh. “I just need some time to think.”
“Cool, whatever,” Julia said leaving. All the better, she thought to herself. Lyra was one bizarre chick and Julia wasn’t convinced that she really wanted to get to know her. There was something odd about her. It could have just been typical theater kid bull, but there seemed to be this dark cloud surrounding her. As she got in her car, the more she thought about it, the more Julia realized that she wanted nothing to do with Lyra.
“I’m sorry, I just can’t give you any more hours,” the manager of the comic book store on Main Street said.
Cadence sat on the bench outside of the store trying to see Gus at his job. She couldn’t help overhearing the fact that Gus was seeking more money. It was all very curious. She wanted to know why…
“But if I don’t help you, we’ll, we’ll…” Gus said his voice cracking.
It was astonishing. She had never heard Gus have so much emotion in his voice. No matter what, she knew she couldn’t be seen.
“I’m sorry, Gus. I know how much this store means to you.”
“No!” Gus shouted. “You can’t just give up.”
“I can’t pay to hold onto you anymore. I’m gonna have to let you go,” the manager said lamenting.
“Please,” Gus said straining his voice. Cadence looked into the store. Gus’ eyes were shimmering. Tears started to slowly creep down his face. “I did, I did everything I could to help save-”
“I know, son. You don’t have to say it. I know what you’ve given up for me, even that spot on the varsity team.”
“It was nothing…” Gus said his voice trailing.
“I knew how much you wanted that after you tried out. You couldn’t stop talking about it for days.”
“Please! You’re like a father figure to me. Please don’t let me go,” Gus pleaded.
“I didn’t want to share this. It will only make it harder on you, but I realize now that I must.” The owner said something muffled about how painful it was to share things and how much he didn’t want to. Cadence wanted to shout at him to simply spit it out. She had to bite her tongue to control her impulse. She could not reveal what she knew. “I can’t keep the store at all. There’s just not the audience anymore for a comic book store here. Maybe there never was.”
Gus started sniffling. Cadence watched as the store manager went over and hugged him. Gus clung to the manager balling into his shirt. The manager patted his back.
“It’s all right, let it all out.”
“I can’t be left again,” Gus said between sobs.
“Look at me! Look at me,” the manager said sternly, but with a comfort Cadence had never heard from an adult before. “I’m not going anywhere. You are like a son to me and you know that I love you with everything I’ve got.”
“Stop trying to protect me,” Gus said after he had stopped crying.
“That was wrong of me, I know. But I’m not going anywhere. I’m still going to be here in Oak Stream for you.”
“What will become of the store?” Gus asked.
Quietly Cadence got off the bench going on her knees to avoid being seen through the window. She had heard enough. Seeing Gus be so emotionally vulnerable was uncomfortable for her. Was it even possible that she could care for him even more than she had before? She couldn’t remember what she had been meaning to tell Gus, but one thing was for certain: it wasn’t anywhere near as important as Gus staying connected with quite possibly the only solid authority figure in his life.
Squeezing her hand to say goodbye, Kerass started to walk out of his mother’s hospital room. He had stayed with her all day, well past the end of school. He had intended to make it to football practice, but talking to his mom, spending what little time he could with her as she lay in a coma, he had lost all sense of time. It was time to leave. He could feel it in his gut.
Waving ever so slightly, he started to walk out of the room and just before he left, he saw something odd. She was smiling at him.
Sunday, June 28, 2015
Fallen Leaves - Chapter 23: Something Great
Damien couldn’t believe he was sitting in Mrs. Todd’s living room. The glow from the fireplace caught his eye as Mrs. Todd brought in finger sandwiches. She offered him some coffee or iced tea, but he declined stating that he only drank water. She nodded as she walked away returning with a full glass.
“Ice?” Mrs. Todd asked.
“Yes, please,” Damien said. He was taken aback. Truly this was one of the most bizarre situations he had encountered. Upon hearing about how she had done everything in her power to distance herself from Jay, he had anticipated a vicious encounter.
“Well, why don’t you share what you want to share,” she said with a lisp.
“I-” Damien paused. He didn’t even know where to begin. In a moment of weakness and desperation, he cried out to God begging for the words to speak. He didn’t even believe in God anymore, but he wasn’t sure what else to do in the moment. “I think he needs you.”
“Ok,” she responded.
He continued saying that things were really tough on Jay the previous year. “Why can’t you just, oh I don’t know, give him some love? Even if it’s from a distance.”
“Thank you for sharing,” she said asking if there was anything else.
“Yeah, every boy needs his mother,” he paused contemplating. He didn’t know why he had even bothered. He wasn’t reaching her. Why she had entertained him this long was beyond him. “Please, I have nothing else to give other than just to tell you that without you, he’ll crumble from the sadness.”
Her eyes drifted over to the fireplace.
“If nothing else, just tell him why. Please…please just say something.”
She closed her eyes and breathed deeply. “Thank you for sharing your heart.”
Damien was then shown out without another word. There was a lot he had to process as he made his journey down the block to his car. He went into it with no expectations, but if he was completely honest, he settled on the worst expectations. He anticipated a door slam, or some tense yelling, something with some passion. What threw him off was not how nice and poised she was, but how desperately she lacked emotion, any sense of passion. She just seemed dead inside. It scared him more than anything having sat in her house. It was a mistake. He regretted his decision. It was a momentary weakness because Jay didn’t even have the emotional energy to speak with him. Why had he even bothered? He so desperately needed someone, anyone to talk to, but now he was alone. He didn’t want to cry out to God again. As far as he was concerned, it was a bust, an experiment gone awry. He would never make that same mistake again. He started the ignition in his car and continued on to freshmen orientation hoping he had finally severed the umbilical cord of high school.
Cadence sat across from Lyra in her favorite table at The Hub. Lyra smiled at her as she sipped a water cup. Oddly enough, she felt conscious about it. She felt embarrassed, but she wasn’t able to put her finger as to why she felt the way she did. She hated that she was so insecure.
Lyra pulled out the flier for the fall show beaming like a child on their birthday. The smile had nothing to do with Cadence. Cadence hated herself even more for ever allowing herself to believe that it had.
“We have to audition together!”
“Wait, we…” Cadence said trailing off.
Lyra nodded excitedly. She went on to explain that the fall show was an old comedy called You Can’t Take It With You. “It’s even got the perfect part for you,” she added quickly.
In the pause she took to take a breath, Cadence responded, “Hold up! Slow down. You only met me a week ago and you’re convinced that there’s a part that’s perfect for me?”
It didn’t seem possible that Lyra could smile any bigger. “And it’s the lead!” she added gleefully.
“Why would I want to audition for some stupid play? It’d be totally humiliating.”
“You’re not giving yourself any credit,” Lyra said deflating from her natural high. “Besides, what better way to take your mind off of boys than getting caught up in somebody else’s life?”
“That sounds creepy.”
Lyra stated that it wasn’t. “This is a fictional person.”
“That’s even worse.”
“Just listen,” Lyra began. She explained that the story was about a girl on the verge of marriage who came from a family full of batshit insane relatives who couldn’t care less about it. “Ultimately she’s able to love them for who they are. Isn’t that perfect for you?”
“No.”
“Aren’t the guys around you as insane as the girl’s family though?”
“Doubtful, but there’s a slight possibility.”
“Come on,” Lyra sighed. She continued saying that all they wanted to do was to spread joy. “Is there anything more admirable than that?”
Cadence admired Lyra and her passion for the arts. There was something a little odd about her, but undeniably appealing and lovable. She knew she wanted to spend more time with Lyra and if she joined the play, Cadence would never see her. Against her better judgment she decided to play along. “All right…all right. I’ll audition with you.”
“Great!” Lyra said walking over and hugging Cadence. “You won’t regret it, I promise you!”
Cadence couldn’t pinpoint exactly why, but when Lyra told her that, she believed her 100%.
Julia leaned with one arm against the wall of the music hallway drumming her fingers against the plaster. Itching inside, her heart pounding, she didn’t know how much longer she could wait. In 2 minutes flat, the list of the color guard would be posted on the band room door. She had asked to go to the bathroom for this very purpose. She had to know right away whether she would be in or not. She didn’t want her senior year to be boring. Maybe an extra curricular would keep her intrigued enough in school, although that seemed incredibly unlikely. School was boring and she couldn’t wait to graduate. However, the color guard always looked so stunning, so beautiful. It would ease the pain of high school. Why couldn’t something great ever come her way?
Someone tapped her on the shoulder making her gasp and jump. When she turned around, she noticed that it was Jay. He snickered in surprise.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I would frighten you,” Jay said half-smiling.
“It’s fine, really. It was pretty funny.”
Jay nodded leaning against the opposite wall. He proceeded to ask her how she thought her audition had gone.
“I don’t know, really,” she said. She continued saying it would be great if they both got it together. “I mean, it’d be just like me and Damien again.”
“I’m not so sure about that…”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to label you just like him. It’s just I miss him is all. Maybe,” she paused trying to gauge what Jay was thinking, but he remained deadpan. “Maybe we could be friends, close friends. I don’t really have anybody else in my life right now.”
“Burned too many bridges?” Jay said with a smile on his face.
“Don’t make a mockery of this.”
Jay told her he was sorry. The door opened right as he was taking a breath. Julia no longer cared about the color guard list. She wanted to finish the conversation with Jay. The list posted on the door, but neither of them rushed to see if their names were on it. They remained staring at one another.
“He really cared about you, you know?” she said alleviating the awkward silence.
“I doubt that.”
“Please Jay, can’t we just be friends?”
Jay nodded. “I’m sorry for the way I reacted earlier. I was total dick. I tend to laugh when I don’t know how to react, which oddly enough always gets me in trouble.”
“Well, don’t worry,” Julia began. She continued saying that he wasn’t in trouble with her.
“After you,” Jay said pointing toward the list.
Julia ran her finger down the list. She saw her name first and then looked for Jay’s. It was only two names below hers. She held up a high five, which Jay completed. It was a little strange to her. She thought things with Jay would go as smoothly as they had with Damien, but she was wrong. Jay had a lot more brick walls surrounding him, which ultimately bothered the crap out of her, but she had a feeling that he would be worth it in the long run.
Kerass stretched his calf out on the track. He always tried to run a mile on days that weren’t practice. Gus jumped over the chain-link fence to join him.
“You ready?” Kerass asked.
“Ready as I’ll ever be.”
Just before they were about to begin, they noticed the coach coming over to post the team roster. They exchanged a single look that expressed they would continue their run later. The team roster was more pressing.
Kerass was ecstatic that the wait was over. However, he was a little concerned for Gus. Gus had a terrible try out on all accounts. It was so abysmal that Kerass didn’t even want to think about it. He wanted to be there for Gus when the pieces broke. There was no way that Gus was going to be on the team and Kerass was heartbroken for Gus even though it was unconfirmed. He saw Cadence walk over to the chain-link fence. He smiled knowing why she was there. She knew he would find out whether he was on the team today. She was there for support. Sure they had fought all summer, but their care for one another was unbreakable. He waved over at her as he and Gus made their way over to the list.
When Kerass looked at the list his mouth dropped. Gus not only made the team, but he was the first-string quarterback. Kerass was in awe. What the hell was the coach thinking? He was jealous and angry at Gus for beating him. Besides all of that, Kerass was simply confused. Having Gus on the team made no sense at all. But wait…he thought. He was being stupid. Gus is a friend. They had an odd relationship granted, but a friend nonetheless, a good friend too. He was still fuming inside, but he recognized that he had to redirect his anger some place else. He knew Cadence was watching. Had she not been, he might not have reacted the same way, he ashamedly admitted to himself.
“Congrats, you deserve it.”
Gus looked off to the side. “This is your world, not mine. I don’t want it.”
“But you have to, you worked so hard for this!” Kerass said angry that Gus wasn’t appreciative of the opportunity that was given him.
“Hey man, I can do whatever I want. This is just not me. This is your place to shine. I’m not going to take that away from you.”
Cadence stood next to them asking if anything was wrong.
“No,” Gus said without a glance towards her. “Kerass got first string quarterback and I, as predicted, didn’t make the cut.”
“Are you ok, Gus?”
“Elated, really.” Gus locked eyes with Kerass. “I’m going to tell the coach thank you for letting me try out.”
Kerass simply nodded his head as Gus walked away.
“That’s so wonderful, Kerass!” Cadence said jumping up and hugging him. “First string quarterback as a junior is astounding. You must be so proud.”
“Yeah…” Kerass said dragging the word out. “Proud.”
Kerass was more confused than ever by how Gus had responded to the roster, but he tried to put it out of his mind. The only thing he could cling onto was that he and Cadence were getting together. She had accepted his apology and had come to forgive him. It was all just some big misunderstanding even though he was right. That had to be why she came to support him. He leaned forward to kiss her, but her hand stopped him.
“Don’t ruin the moment.”
“Why?” Kerass asked. He continued asking what she wanted from him.
“I just want to be friends.”
Kerass bit his tongue to prevent himself from lashing out at her.
“I’ve sworn off of boys for this year, Kerass. I’ve made a pact with the new girl Lyra. She says I should cut men out of my life altogether, but she’s full of it. I know we have a connection, but just wait. A year, a year is all I’m asking. But I still want us to be friends.”
Kerass glared at her. He couldn’t believe it. He had just been friendzoned by the love of his life.
“Say something…”
Kerass tried to speak, but his mouth wouldn’t open. He couldn’t control himself as tears started to trickle down his face.
“Please?”
“Ice?” Mrs. Todd asked.
“Yes, please,” Damien said. He was taken aback. Truly this was one of the most bizarre situations he had encountered. Upon hearing about how she had done everything in her power to distance herself from Jay, he had anticipated a vicious encounter.
“Well, why don’t you share what you want to share,” she said with a lisp.
“I-” Damien paused. He didn’t even know where to begin. In a moment of weakness and desperation, he cried out to God begging for the words to speak. He didn’t even believe in God anymore, but he wasn’t sure what else to do in the moment. “I think he needs you.”
“Ok,” she responded.
He continued saying that things were really tough on Jay the previous year. “Why can’t you just, oh I don’t know, give him some love? Even if it’s from a distance.”
“Thank you for sharing,” she said asking if there was anything else.
“Yeah, every boy needs his mother,” he paused contemplating. He didn’t know why he had even bothered. He wasn’t reaching her. Why she had entertained him this long was beyond him. “Please, I have nothing else to give other than just to tell you that without you, he’ll crumble from the sadness.”
Her eyes drifted over to the fireplace.
“If nothing else, just tell him why. Please…please just say something.”
She closed her eyes and breathed deeply. “Thank you for sharing your heart.”
Damien was then shown out without another word. There was a lot he had to process as he made his journey down the block to his car. He went into it with no expectations, but if he was completely honest, he settled on the worst expectations. He anticipated a door slam, or some tense yelling, something with some passion. What threw him off was not how nice and poised she was, but how desperately she lacked emotion, any sense of passion. She just seemed dead inside. It scared him more than anything having sat in her house. It was a mistake. He regretted his decision. It was a momentary weakness because Jay didn’t even have the emotional energy to speak with him. Why had he even bothered? He so desperately needed someone, anyone to talk to, but now he was alone. He didn’t want to cry out to God again. As far as he was concerned, it was a bust, an experiment gone awry. He would never make that same mistake again. He started the ignition in his car and continued on to freshmen orientation hoping he had finally severed the umbilical cord of high school.
Cadence sat across from Lyra in her favorite table at The Hub. Lyra smiled at her as she sipped a water cup. Oddly enough, she felt conscious about it. She felt embarrassed, but she wasn’t able to put her finger as to why she felt the way she did. She hated that she was so insecure.
Lyra pulled out the flier for the fall show beaming like a child on their birthday. The smile had nothing to do with Cadence. Cadence hated herself even more for ever allowing herself to believe that it had.
“We have to audition together!”
“Wait, we…” Cadence said trailing off.
Lyra nodded excitedly. She went on to explain that the fall show was an old comedy called You Can’t Take It With You. “It’s even got the perfect part for you,” she added quickly.
In the pause she took to take a breath, Cadence responded, “Hold up! Slow down. You only met me a week ago and you’re convinced that there’s a part that’s perfect for me?”
It didn’t seem possible that Lyra could smile any bigger. “And it’s the lead!” she added gleefully.
“Why would I want to audition for some stupid play? It’d be totally humiliating.”
“You’re not giving yourself any credit,” Lyra said deflating from her natural high. “Besides, what better way to take your mind off of boys than getting caught up in somebody else’s life?”
“That sounds creepy.”
Lyra stated that it wasn’t. “This is a fictional person.”
“That’s even worse.”
“Just listen,” Lyra began. She explained that the story was about a girl on the verge of marriage who came from a family full of batshit insane relatives who couldn’t care less about it. “Ultimately she’s able to love them for who they are. Isn’t that perfect for you?”
“No.”
“Aren’t the guys around you as insane as the girl’s family though?”
“Doubtful, but there’s a slight possibility.”
“Come on,” Lyra sighed. She continued saying that all they wanted to do was to spread joy. “Is there anything more admirable than that?”
Cadence admired Lyra and her passion for the arts. There was something a little odd about her, but undeniably appealing and lovable. She knew she wanted to spend more time with Lyra and if she joined the play, Cadence would never see her. Against her better judgment she decided to play along. “All right…all right. I’ll audition with you.”
“Great!” Lyra said walking over and hugging Cadence. “You won’t regret it, I promise you!”
Cadence couldn’t pinpoint exactly why, but when Lyra told her that, she believed her 100%.
Julia leaned with one arm against the wall of the music hallway drumming her fingers against the plaster. Itching inside, her heart pounding, she didn’t know how much longer she could wait. In 2 minutes flat, the list of the color guard would be posted on the band room door. She had asked to go to the bathroom for this very purpose. She had to know right away whether she would be in or not. She didn’t want her senior year to be boring. Maybe an extra curricular would keep her intrigued enough in school, although that seemed incredibly unlikely. School was boring and she couldn’t wait to graduate. However, the color guard always looked so stunning, so beautiful. It would ease the pain of high school. Why couldn’t something great ever come her way?
Someone tapped her on the shoulder making her gasp and jump. When she turned around, she noticed that it was Jay. He snickered in surprise.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I would frighten you,” Jay said half-smiling.
“It’s fine, really. It was pretty funny.”
Jay nodded leaning against the opposite wall. He proceeded to ask her how she thought her audition had gone.
“I don’t know, really,” she said. She continued saying it would be great if they both got it together. “I mean, it’d be just like me and Damien again.”
“I’m not so sure about that…”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to label you just like him. It’s just I miss him is all. Maybe,” she paused trying to gauge what Jay was thinking, but he remained deadpan. “Maybe we could be friends, close friends. I don’t really have anybody else in my life right now.”
“Burned too many bridges?” Jay said with a smile on his face.
“Don’t make a mockery of this.”
Jay told her he was sorry. The door opened right as he was taking a breath. Julia no longer cared about the color guard list. She wanted to finish the conversation with Jay. The list posted on the door, but neither of them rushed to see if their names were on it. They remained staring at one another.
“He really cared about you, you know?” she said alleviating the awkward silence.
“I doubt that.”
“Please Jay, can’t we just be friends?”
Jay nodded. “I’m sorry for the way I reacted earlier. I was total dick. I tend to laugh when I don’t know how to react, which oddly enough always gets me in trouble.”
“Well, don’t worry,” Julia began. She continued saying that he wasn’t in trouble with her.
“After you,” Jay said pointing toward the list.
Julia ran her finger down the list. She saw her name first and then looked for Jay’s. It was only two names below hers. She held up a high five, which Jay completed. It was a little strange to her. She thought things with Jay would go as smoothly as they had with Damien, but she was wrong. Jay had a lot more brick walls surrounding him, which ultimately bothered the crap out of her, but she had a feeling that he would be worth it in the long run.
Kerass stretched his calf out on the track. He always tried to run a mile on days that weren’t practice. Gus jumped over the chain-link fence to join him.
“You ready?” Kerass asked.
“Ready as I’ll ever be.”
Just before they were about to begin, they noticed the coach coming over to post the team roster. They exchanged a single look that expressed they would continue their run later. The team roster was more pressing.
Kerass was ecstatic that the wait was over. However, he was a little concerned for Gus. Gus had a terrible try out on all accounts. It was so abysmal that Kerass didn’t even want to think about it. He wanted to be there for Gus when the pieces broke. There was no way that Gus was going to be on the team and Kerass was heartbroken for Gus even though it was unconfirmed. He saw Cadence walk over to the chain-link fence. He smiled knowing why she was there. She knew he would find out whether he was on the team today. She was there for support. Sure they had fought all summer, but their care for one another was unbreakable. He waved over at her as he and Gus made their way over to the list.
When Kerass looked at the list his mouth dropped. Gus not only made the team, but he was the first-string quarterback. Kerass was in awe. What the hell was the coach thinking? He was jealous and angry at Gus for beating him. Besides all of that, Kerass was simply confused. Having Gus on the team made no sense at all. But wait…he thought. He was being stupid. Gus is a friend. They had an odd relationship granted, but a friend nonetheless, a good friend too. He was still fuming inside, but he recognized that he had to redirect his anger some place else. He knew Cadence was watching. Had she not been, he might not have reacted the same way, he ashamedly admitted to himself.
“Congrats, you deserve it.”
Gus looked off to the side. “This is your world, not mine. I don’t want it.”
“But you have to, you worked so hard for this!” Kerass said angry that Gus wasn’t appreciative of the opportunity that was given him.
“Hey man, I can do whatever I want. This is just not me. This is your place to shine. I’m not going to take that away from you.”
Cadence stood next to them asking if anything was wrong.
“No,” Gus said without a glance towards her. “Kerass got first string quarterback and I, as predicted, didn’t make the cut.”
“Are you ok, Gus?”
“Elated, really.” Gus locked eyes with Kerass. “I’m going to tell the coach thank you for letting me try out.”
Kerass simply nodded his head as Gus walked away.
“That’s so wonderful, Kerass!” Cadence said jumping up and hugging him. “First string quarterback as a junior is astounding. You must be so proud.”
“Yeah…” Kerass said dragging the word out. “Proud.”
Kerass was more confused than ever by how Gus had responded to the roster, but he tried to put it out of his mind. The only thing he could cling onto was that he and Cadence were getting together. She had accepted his apology and had come to forgive him. It was all just some big misunderstanding even though he was right. That had to be why she came to support him. He leaned forward to kiss her, but her hand stopped him.
“Don’t ruin the moment.”
“Why?” Kerass asked. He continued asking what she wanted from him.
“I just want to be friends.”
Kerass bit his tongue to prevent himself from lashing out at her.
“I’ve sworn off of boys for this year, Kerass. I’ve made a pact with the new girl Lyra. She says I should cut men out of my life altogether, but she’s full of it. I know we have a connection, but just wait. A year, a year is all I’m asking. But I still want us to be friends.”
Kerass glared at her. He couldn’t believe it. He had just been friendzoned by the love of his life.
“Say something…”
Kerass tried to speak, but his mouth wouldn’t open. He couldn’t control himself as tears started to trickle down his face.
“Please?”
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)