Fallen Leaves - Chapter 72: Magic

Staring at him while the time passed them by did nothing to calm her nerves. Neither of them spoke a word to each other. She hadn’t even told him hello in reply.

“Are we just going to look at each other this whole time?” Gus asked bluntly.

“No,” she finally let out. She told him she was sorry, but words had been difficult to form in her mind. “I just, well, I can’t believe you’re here.”

“I know,” Gus nodded. “I just couldn’t leave Oak Stream for the end of my college career without seeing you again.”

“You guys are seniors now?” she asked.

“Yep,” Gus raised his eyebrows. “Hard to believe, isn’t it?”

“I’ve lost track of time. It’s been the longest two years of my life and the quickest all at once. Anyway, enough about me, tell me about you and the others.”

“Well…” Gus exhaled. “There’s a lot to fill you in on.”

“Why don’t you just begin with you?” she challenged him.

“This is hard to say, Cadence.”

“Harder than to admit you murdered someone?” she raised one eyebrow at him.

“No,” he sighed. “I guess you’ve got more courage than me on that. It’s strange to tell you since we used to, well you know, date each other.”

“You’re seeing someone? Who’s the lucky lady?”

“Actually, it’s a great guy. You know him, too.”

“Let me guess…” she continued with disdain, “Damien?”

“Not currently, but we did date for a while.”

“Did you?”

“Yes,” Gus nodded. “I slept with him.”

“So, what you’re gay?”

Gus paused and inhaled. “I don’t like being tied down by that. I believe in connection, not labels.”

“So who else?”

“It’s Jay.”

“Oh, really?” she raised her eyebrows.

“Yeah, he’s sweet and kind. He’s been really gentle and patient with me and we haven’t yet. He’s much more willing to take it slow, unlike Damien who to be perfectly straightforward just sort of manipulated me into the whole thing. Jay doesn’t play that way. He’s honest and pure.”

“That’s just not the way I remember him.”

“Yeah, well, people change. You sure did.”

“I did, huh?”

“Of course,” Gus said. “You stood up for yourself in an abusive relationship. My relationship with Damien wasn’t to the same extent, but I know how much guts it requires to speak up for yourself and say enough is enough. I’m through. You’re much bolder, albeit braver, than you were in high school and I think that’s completely commendable.”

Cadence paused for a moment. She thought about what he said about her shooting him being an act of boldness or bravery, but she didn’t view it that way. She found it to be completely cowardice. They had ended well before she shot him. That bullet was out of revenge, not self-defense and she knew that. For that she could never forgive herself. Even though she had in essence prevented others from his fists, his anger, she had caused his death for no reason at all other than satisfaction.

“I guess I don’t agree,” she replied to him.

“What? How come?”

“Because I murdered him. We were over and he wasn’t putting up a fight to let me go or anything. He had walked out of my life easily and I took my revenge. It felt good, glorious even.”

“I think you’re too hard on yourself. You did something to protect not only yourself but others from harm. You should be praising yourself, not tearing yourself down.”

“I just don’t think that way,” she said looking away at the wall.

“I don’t mean to change the subject so suddenly, but I thought you should know that when I told Damien it was over, it was only a few hours later when he shot himself.”

“What?” Cadence snapped her head back.

“He’s alive, as alive as you can be after something like that. He’s still breathing, just not on his own.”

“He’s hooked up to machinery.”

“Yeah,” Gus sniffled. “He’s in a coma and I can’t help but think it’s my fault. I put him there by ending it.”

“No,” Cadence shook her head. “Why don’t you take your own advice? You took control of your life and now you’re with someone who treats you with respect. Nothing is more beautiful than that.”

“Thank you, Cadence. To be honest, the reason I’ve stayed away is because I didn’t think you’d accept me dating men. I remember how negatively you reacted when Damien started dating Jay back when we were sophomores in high school.”

“That was a lifetime ago.”

“Indeed. So much has changed and yet in a lot of ways things are still the same. I can still talk with you and not feel judged.”

“I would never look down on you for dating men. I may look down on the man that you choose to date, but it wouldn’t be because he was a man.”

“I know that now.”

“What we had when we dated, it was special. It was the happiest time in my life.”

“What we had was magic. I love Jay, really, but we haven’t gotten to that kinetic spark, that energy yet. We had something between us that was undeniably real. It makes me smile when I think back on it.”

“Me too,” she beamed. “I dream about the water tower and the ATV ride at midnight.”

“It’s good memories.”

“Filled with, as you put it, magic.”

“I can’t say we were right for each other in the long run, but when we were connected there was no force on earth that was stronger.”

Cadence started to cry at that. She hadn’t felt this type of connection with a guy in years and he wasn’t available, not only that but he no longer played for her team. Yet he made her feel beautiful and precious.

“I came to visit you,” Gus stated, “because I knew you were the only person who would understand what I was going through with Damien. Not just because we both dated him, but because of what you did. You’re my hero, Cadence. I didn’t want to leave for college without telling you that.”

Cadence wiped the tears away from her eyes. It was a huge statement and she wasn’t quite sure how to take it.

“So,” she said, “is this goodbye?”

“No,” he shook his head. “Not if I can help it.”



Sitting on a bench in the park, Jay stared at the oak tree that was losing its leaves. The season was changing. He had missed the first two days of classes and he would miss more. Things were different now and he couldn’t help but fear for the worst.

Every day could be the last. Damien’s parents wanted to pull the plug, to end his misery. Yet to Jay, it wasn’t misery. He counted every moment as joy to be with him even when he didn’t react at all. What he had with Damien was magic, even though it hadn’t been in a long time. There was a moment, more than one in the times they’d been on and off again that they were so connected to each other that nothing else mattered in the whole world.

Gus was his boyfriend now, though, a fact that he daren’t forget. What he had with Gus was greater than magic, it was beautiful and awe-inspiring. He hadn’t neglected that. He called Gus daily, but they were both in the same boat. With a mutual former lover in such a precarious situation, it was hard to move at all. It was impossible to move backwards and erase what had occurred, but in the same vein it felt impossible to move forward.

So, he sat there on the bench wasting away. Nothing mattered more than the fact that he was breathing. Gus, himself, and most importantly, Damien were all breathing, but that could quickly change. If only he could do something about it! If only he knew someone who might be able to talk to Damien’s parents, discuss the repercussions of such a definitive course of action.

Then it dawned on him. There was one person, only one. One who knew exactly what this felt like. One who he knew would be there if he asked.



Kerass watched as one of the leaves above him, goldenrod in color, fell. He blew at it causing it to float upward for a moment before it descended to the stone pathway.

“Having fun, are we?” Kathleen asked him.

“You know it!” he giddily replied. He added that it was a beautiful day. The sun was out, magnificent clouds peppered the sky. “How can I not embrace this day as a wondrous gift from the Lord?”

“You are growing, Kerass. By his grace, you have grown over this summer!” she replied delightfully.

“I’m still the same guy I always was,” he said self-consciously.

“No, you’re not. You’re more of the man who you were always made to be. A man made in God’s image. One who worships outwardly without fear of what others think. One who embraces joy without regret or consequence. You’re one of a kind.”

“So are you, Kathleen.”

“Like I don’t know that?” she said with a twirl.

Kerass laughed. He had never felt more relaxed than when he did when he was with her. She was a gift and he hoped he didn’t waste his time with her, but delighted in her fully.

“How’s the church hunt going?” she asked him.

“It’s going. I’ve visited Grace Hill a couple of times, but I feel more drawn to Our Savior. There’s something nostalgic about that place. In many ways it feels like home.

“A little bit of magic on this side of paradise?”

“No, a glimpse of my real home with Him.”

“You have changed. That’s for sure.”

“Whatever you say.”

“You have a joy about you that didn’t exist when I first met you. It’s been wondrous to watch that evolution.”

“Well, I thank you.”

“Not a problem. I just call ‘em like I see ‘em.”

“Which church do you attend again?”

“It’s called Grace and it is home, like you said. But I think we have many homes. I view every church I’ve attended as a piece of home. More people who are a part of the family as we get to celebrate and worship together. What brings people closer together than that common faith. I don’t think anything is stronger than that bond.”

“You said it, I didn’t.”

“What? Do you disagree or something?” she challenged him.

“Yeah, I do,” he nodded.

“What? What’s stronger than that bond, the unbreakable bond of the family of faith?”

“Oh, I don’t know…” he paused. “Romance? Love? In all of its different iterations and expressions, I’m convinced nothing is stronger than two becoming one.”

“Ok, well you’re wrong, but that’s ok.”

Kerass jumped as his cell phone went off blaring More by Matthew West.

“I approve,” Kathleen nodded. “It’s a classic.”

“It’s Matthew. He’s the best,” he added quickly before he picked up the phone. “Jay!” he exclaimed. “Where have you been?”

“I stayed behind for a few days,” he said monotone. He added that he had never felt so alone before as he choked crying.

“Wait, calm down,” Kerass gently commanded. “Start over. Tell me what’s going on.”

“They’re thinking of pulling the plug on Damien.”

“You don’t have to say anything else. I’m heading there now,” he said.

“Thanks, just hurry!” Jay pleaded with him.

“I will. I promise,” he said as he hung up the phone.

“What’s happening?” Kathleen asked gently.

“You remember how often we prayed for Damien, the guy who shot himself, over the summer?”

“Of course,” she nodded.

“His parents are thinking of ending his life.”

“I’ll go with you.”

“No, you don’t have to.”

“Listen to me, Kerass. I’m with you through the good and the bad. Let me come with you.”

Kerass nodded.

Fallen Leaves - Chapter 71: Better Than Words

The sun was setting in an extraordinary, striking vision. The pastel colors painted across the clouds in only a way that’s been captured by photography and movies and yet this was even better, the colors more vivid. Nothing, no worries about tomorrow, or the following day, would disturb the peace that was brought from this beautiful gift from above.

“Cadence!” the guard called out for her.

Nothing except that. When she opened her eyes, she saw the same familiar surroundings. Nothing but gray stone around her keeping her inside this prison.

The guard handed her a tray through a small hole in the bottom of the cell, a hole that was latched and only opened when food came. The guard told her she must eat to survive, but she couldn’t help but feel like she was treated like vermin, like a dog in the pound.

The food was atrocious, but living in the jail every day was even worse. It was pure hell, but she admitted she wouldn’t have it any other way. She had been humbled in a way few others could profess to. She didn’t know anyone else outside these walls that had committed murder. She admitted to herself that deflecting the blame, regardless of what he did to her was fruitless. He was gone now. No one would be hurt by him again, so why did she still hate him so?

His life was ended by her hands. The shot was perfectly personal. She couldn’t say that she regretted it, either, a fact that bothered her. In all the time she had thought about God and Jesus over the summer, or was it spring? She couldn’t tell. The days were becoming a blur. The passing of seasons only something to be observed by those outside of these caged entrapments. God didn’t forgive from what she read in the Old Testament, but Jesus from the New Testament did.

Examples of men from the Bible were provided to her of murderers who were forgiven by God, but how could she be forgiven by God when she hadn’t forgiven herself? She wasn’t even convinced she needed saving or forgiveness for that matter. She had created this situation for herself and she would climb out of it.

She hadn’t read any from God’s word in weeks if not months by now. If God hadn’t saved her from living in this forsaken depravity of humanity, then she wasn’t going to be saved at all. Only her dreams and fantasies prevented her from completely losing her mind.



Turning the A/C on full blast, Kerass shook his head attempting to stay awake. The drive to Evergreen Forest was always difficult. The many hours of solitude where he had nothing but his thoughts and mind to distract him was horrifying to him. He was utterly convinced one of these days he’d get in a car crash out of sheer exhaustion or just distraction from the road.

The summer was over. For the first time in his college career, he was yearning to return. It was time. It was time to leave college behind and enter the ‘real’ world, whatever that meant. Only two semesters and a summer session left and he’d finally be done.

He contemplated going to grad school, but he just couldn’t bring himself to be excited by the prospect when he was ready to leave school behind. The major wouldn’t exactly get him a stellar job, but it was something. He was ready to work.

This summer had been one of the most beautiful he’d ever experienced. Weekly he spoke with Kathleen and they prayed together over the phone. His yearning and desire for prayer also helped him reconnect with his father. They went on prayer walks together daily. He never imagined that they would’ve reconnected in that way, but that was what his mother wanted. Her presence still impacted his life, and that would never change. She’d never leave him behind and would embrace him when he entered paradise.

Even though they prayed together daily, he still had his reservations about his father. He couldn’t say his father wasn’t a believer, wasn’t a Christian, but he felt he was a very weak one. While he had forgiven his father, he couldn’t help but question the decision that was made five years prior when that plug was pulled. It just didn’t seem right to end a life like that. Forcing the end was just horrible, horrendous.

Feelings of remorse, a terrible sadness, a dark cloud hovered over him as he relived that moment again. He remembered everything, even the smell of the hospital sheets. Silently, he prayed that no one else would have to experience that.

He had to distract himself. Going through his phone contacts, he called Kathleen. She picked up on the third ring.

“You need prayer, don’t you?” Kathleen said.

Kerass stammered before he said yes. “How did you know?”

“You don’t think I know you?” she asked mischievously. “Plus, God told me someone would call me in desperate need of prayer, so I’ve had my phone ready all day just waiting for a call. I’m glad it was you, someone I’ve prayed with before. So tell me,” she paused, “what’s going on?”

“The memory hit me again.”

“Which one? You’ve had several,” she gently said.

“The day my mom died. The one in the hospital room where they-”

“They pulled the plug,” she interrupted him.

“Yeah,” he choked out as tears came down his face.

“Don’t hide your tears from me, Kerass. You know this is a safe place to be broken, vulnerable.”

“I know, but I still gotta drive,” he added with a light laugh.

“It’s hard to believe that someone so young has already suffered so much loss.”

“I don’t carry it well. I just ignore it, suppress it.”

“I don’t buy that,” she challenged him. “Actually, I was gonna say I’m surprised by how well you do carry it. You acknowledge your feelings, which is no easy feat. You let others in when things overwhelm you. In essence, you let your friends in on your grieving process. You don’t hide, not at all. You constantly ask for help and that is a bold, courageous thing to do. You should be acknowledged and validated for how truthful and vulnerable you are.”

“I just don’t know,” he sighed. “How can it not be viewed as a weakness?”

“Kerass, trust me. You have empathy and that’s better than words. It’s more than a feeling. It’s God gifted understanding.”

“Wow…” Kerass breathed. He hadn’t viewed himself that way at all, at least not before his mother had the accident. Yet here Kathleen was speaking words of life into him, building him up in a way he never did for himself. It was so easy to do it for others, but never for yourself. Instead of fighting and challenging it, he opted to accept it. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” she replied. “Shall we pray?”

“Yeah,” he said. So, he began to pray out loud with her for the campus, for his emotions. She thanked God for making him so vulnerable and empathetic. He didn’t know what he would do without her. Praying together was so intimate. He couldn’t wait for the time that they would be able to pray in person again.



Jay walked down the hallway, a hallway he had memorized every detail of. He was well aware whenever a new poster was put up or when one of the lightbulbs was going to go out. Walking down this hallway daily was something that would rapidly change for he had to go back to school. Damien was still in the hospital, laying in a bed without any recognition that anyone else was there, whether they entered or left the room, he remained stagnant.

Jay took a deep breath as he looked at Damien for the last time in a long time. He gently reached up and brushed Damien’s long hair out of his eyes. There’s no way if he were conscious he would’ve allowed his hair to grow that long.

He held Damien’s hand and stroked it. Damien’s face had forever been altered. Massive scars lay across the right side of his face. His lip had been ripped open and blood had poured out when he discovered him on the floor. While they had patched his face up, it was forever changed. He would never be the handsome man that he was.

Damien wasn’t a bad man. He was just emotional and had difficulty with denial. Jay had already forgiven him for cheating on him. Silently, he blamed himself for making Gus tell Damien it was over. Was that the thing that pushed Damien over the edge? If only he had backed out, then Damien may be smiling and laughing like he used to, but that would never happen.

Gus had been amazing. Since he had been through something similar with his uncle, he was completely understanding and gracious when it came to Damien. Gus had visited Damien a few times as well, but it was different. Jay had more of a history with him and well, he had used and manipulated Gus. Even Jay acknowledged that it wasn’t right how they had evolved as a couple.

Surprisingly enough this didn’t put a strain on his relationship. It brought them closer together as they were able to mourn together through similar experiences. All it took was one look between them, no words were spoken, and they knew that the other needed to be comforted and held while the tears came out.

They had decided to wait before they got more intimate with each other. Gus told him that it meant something with Damien, but that was tainted by the manipulation when he thought back on it. Jay had as well, but it didn’t mean anything and it was far from fun. It was painful and awkward and his friendship, if you could even call it that, with Gil never recovered.

Jay looked down at Damien’s stomach. It rose and it fell, rose and fell. How could something so simple, like the act of breathing become so amazing, wondrous, and gorgeous? When he looked up, he knew. He had to acknowledge that this simple ability wouldn’t be possible without machinery. Oh, Damien, what have you done? Jay asked pleading daily that he would respond in some way, show some sign of improvement. Yet he remained rhythmically breathing without any acknowledgement.

Looking at his watch, Jay knew it was time to say goodbye. He had to hit the road if he were to make it on time to his first class, but something gave him pause. Damien’s parents were outside the door and he couldn’t help but listen in.



Cadence walked down the hallway. She was being taken to a room where bullet proof glass separated her from anyone else who came to visit. No one visited outside of her mom, not even any of her high school friends, not even Kerass. Yet she was told she had a visitor today, someone new.

When she sat down, she saw him. Gus sat across from her.

“Hi, Cadence,” he said.

She was stunned. No words came out of her mouth, only an exhale.