The kiss lasted longer than Cadence had anticipated. Kissing Damien felt good, safe. There was something so instantly familiar about it that it was hard to let go. Perhaps that was the thing she had been missing all along. Damien did seem to be head over heels in love with her. He changed schools for her. Maybe this wouldn’t have to be faked…maybe she could find herself falling in love again with Damien. It was in that moment that Damien shoved her away.
“Hey! What was that for?” Damien shouted at her.
Cadence stared dumbfounded at him. His eyes were empty. She had been wrong yet again. She was speechless.
“Huh?” Damien said adding that the kiss was completely uncalled for. “I’m waiting for an answer Cadence.”
“I…I just thought,” Cadence paused looking for a way out. “You said you would wait for me, that I had options.”
Damien rolled his eyes. “That was last year. I was an immature junior.”
“But you seemed so sincere-”
“I’m dating someone right now,” Damien said cutting Cadence off.
Jay walked over beaming at Damien. “I’ve got the most awesome news to share with you!”
Cadence looked at the two of them. She saw the way Damien’s eyes lit up when Jay walked over to them. She could read between the lines. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you had come out,” she said.
Damien looked at her his eyes widening. “Keep your voice down. No one in school knows about us, ok?”
Cadence responded that it was obvious. “I mean, it’s not like it’s something you two can hide. It’s just a cry of attention from you Damien, it’s not like you actually mean it.”
Damien’s eyes filled with hatred toward her. “Leave me and my boyfriend alone and don’t you ever talk to me again.”
“Whatever,” Cadence said walking away. Her reaction to the situation surprised herself. When Jay had come out to her, all she could do was be supportive and happy for him, but when Damien came out…she couldn’t even look at him he disgusted her so.
Gus walked back up beside her. “Well, that was awkward,” he said suppressing a laugh. She stared at him unbelieving. It was his idea. He had done this.
“Go ahead and laugh all you want, but you ruined this for me. Leave me the hell alone,” Cadence whispered tears on the brink of falling down her face. She had nothing left, not even her dignity.
Kerass sat in the passengers seat in silence. He had been like this for a month. He had bottled up all of his emotions. He finally realized in this time of crisis that Julia wasn’t someone that he really trusted. He just wanted to make out with her. He was utterly convinced that Cadence was an emotional manipulator, but he couldn’t stop thinking about her. There was a more emotional connection with Cadence that made her all the more appealing, however, Julia had always been honest with him. If he was 100% truthful, Julia was hotter than Cadence too, which was an obvious plus. However, he just couldn’t get himself to share what was going on with her.
“Take all the time you need,” Julia said kissing him goodbye.
Kerass got out of the car standing in the parking lot of the hospital. He knew the only person who could truly hear him in this time of crisis was his mother.
Jay spent the entire morning in the band room practicing the color guard routine. In the month since he had inadvertently caused his boyfriend Damien to come out he had poured all his spare time into the marching band drill. He was quite good now and they were gearing up for their state performance. Marching bands were graded individually. There was no clear state winner. They were graded on a 4-point scale, 4 being fair, 3 being good, 2 being excellent, and 1 being superior. Only the top bands got a superior and Oak Stream was nowhere near a top band. They’d be lucky to get a 3. However, it was a great distraction from the wreck at home with his adopted father who he avoided constantly.
In the times since Cadence kissed Damien, Jay had tried to convince Damien to let it go and forgive her, but he stood his ground calling her manipulative and ultimately asked Jay to choose between himself and Cadence. Obviously Jay went with his boyfriend.
Jay hadn’t talked to Kerass all that much either. It was funny since he had a boyfriend he felt like he had never been happier, but he also felt more isolated than he had ever felt in his life. He wasn’t entirely sure what that said about him as a friend or a person, but once in Damien’s presence he didn’t really care.
Damien walked into the room immediately hugging Jay. Jay felt comfortable but only to a certain extent. He didn’t feel like he could spend forever here, but it was a good enough alternative.
Mr. Martin came out beaming asking Damien how he was doing.
“Doing well, Mr. Martin. Hey, thanks again for letting Jay in so late, it means the world to him,” Damien said ignoring the fact that Jay was standing right beside him. Jay gave him a look and then Damien said, “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to speak for you.”
Mr. Martin told them it was fine and that they brought a lot of joy to his life. “You two are my favorite couple in this school. I just think what you’re doing is so brave, so keep at it!”
Jay saw Damien’s face brighten up. Jay smiled to make Mr. Martin feel good, but he felt uncomfortable with what had been said. Jay didn’t want to stand out in this way. It felt weird, strange. He didn’t think of himself as brave and he got sick and tired of everyone telling him how brave he truly was. They were all so full of it. He didn’t want all this attention. He simply wanted to be in a normal relationship, but in high school that was impossible. They stood out like a sore thumb. Damien was a great protector. Strong and unmoving in his beliefs, but he wasn’t the best at reading what Jay wanted. Sometimes Jay just wanted some personal time just the two of them. It seemed like Damien was parading them down the school. He loved Damien he convinced himself, but he couldn’t escape the feeling of being used. Jay was beginning to regret having ever come out of the closet.
Kerass sat by her bedside taking her hand. The systematic breathing was devastating to him. He didn’t even know if he wanted to verbalize his pain this time. He was starting to give up hope. He didn’t even know if he believed she would ever wake up. He remained stagnant, just sat there contemplating what he should do. The only thing that came to mind was to use this time to internally process. He felt comfortable holding her hand and so there he remained.
It had sucked to find out circumstantially that Jay was in a relationship. He thought they were close enough that Jay would tell him instantly, but maybe he was just holding onto an idea of a friendship, a friendship that predated, but didn’t survive, high school. He was extremely uncomfortable with him dating his ex’s ex too. That was just plain weird and disgusting. He was uncomfortable overall with the idea of Jay dating another man, but he didn’t really know what to say. The only thing he could do was to be honest about how he felt. That wouldn’t go over well with Jay and especially Damien. That would be a nightmare.
The whole situation with Julia and Cadence was a nightmare too. He couldn’t believe he had gotten himself into so much drama again this year and he felt like he had done nothing wrong. He liked Julia, of that he was certain. She made him feel comfortable and loved. The fact that she was a great kisser obviously helped too. But she didn’t pry. She just let him be. Cadence on the other hand was overtly clingy, self-centered and emotionally distant. With all that out in the open though, he realized one thing: he liked Julia, but he loved Cadence. But was it really worth it to pursue Cadence with all of that emotional turmoil?
Kerass looked over at his mother breathing. No, it most definitely wasn’t worth it. He had enough turmoil in his life. He would stay with Julia, but then again was it worth it to even be in a relationship at all though?
“Help me,” he finally said out loud. “I’m lost.”
Cadence looked over her dresser. She couldn’t find what she was looking for. In the month since she had kissed Damien she felt empty. She felt nothing. Everything in her was screaming to feel something, but she couldn’t. Her grades had dropped dramatically. The only person who had come over periodically was Gus. It just felt like he would come over to gloat in her face. It probably wasn’t that, but she made herself believe that was what he was doing. Ultimately she would just ignore him, but within a week he was always standing up against her locker. She had no idea who he was and it was a mystery she wanted solved.
All of her relationships seemed to have been shot to hell. She had never felt so alone, so isolated in her life, but she was too passive to do anything about it. She just wanted to start all over again. She wanted help, but she was too afraid to ask for it. Rumors would get started again just like last time. While adults praise seeking help in all actuality seeking help in high school was torturous. Cadence would be bullied constantly and she didn’t think she could handle that. Maybe she could give herself a little help on her own though.
She decided then that she would take one of her mom’s sedatives. Her mom took sedatives daily. They definitely helped her mom’s mood. Cadence had avoided any drug enhancements. She wanted to be in complete control of her emotions, but she wanted to feel something more. One pill wouldn’t hurt anyone. It was just for today anyways. She knew this could make her feel better. It was justified for that reason alone. The only person who could help her now was herself. She had to do this to protect herself.
Tip-toeing down the hall, she walked into her mother’s bedroom. Her mom probably wouldn’t even notice if Cadence took one little pill. Looking over her shoulder she confirmed that her mother was nowhere in sight. She put the pill in her mouth and swallowed it.
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