Fallen Leaves - Chapter 10: More Than This

I want to do something that means something to someone, anyone, she said to herself. Looking back over the majority of her freshmen year at Oak Stream High Cadence knew that that had happened. Her relationship with Kerass meant the world to him. Her first time with Damien created a connection so meaningful to him that he had pursued her even after she told him that it meant nothing to her. It all seemed simply hopeless.

What she was beginning to realize was that these things meant everything to them, but it meant nothing to her. She was still hiding. She had created the peer support group to help her deal with her loneliness, to create a group of support, trust, and honesty. She was walking away knowing that she trusted Kerass, but she hadn’t been honest with him and that she was honest with Damien, but she hadn’t trusted him.

The entire year just seemed like a waste. She had made up her mind. She was going to return to Our Savior for her final three months of her freshmen year. That would give her a break from all the drama that pumped through the veins of Oak Stream. She would be under probation for the remainder of her freshmen year. After that they would reevaluate and determine if she was allowed to stay at the school for another year. If she was accepted again then it became the big choice: to choose between going to Our Savior or to return to Oak Stream.

It was a tougher decision than she had anticipated to make, but she had several months to think it over. However that wasn’t the biggest decision she was going to have to make. She didn’t know how she had caught herself in a love triangle in her first year of high school. However, when she really thought it over it was never a triangle. She had always chosen Kerass, but Kerass didn’t trust her with him. He had also told her to go when his father was in the hospital.

Damien and Jay were still on speaking terms with her, but the only one she wanted to be with was Kerass. She wanted to say goodbye to him so strongly, but she knew that was a false hope. There had to be something more than this. She just felt so lost, so lonely. It was almost like her heart was being stomped on like a welcome mat. She couldn’t help but blame herself for this though. Her own pride had pushed Kerass away, but his dumb judgment about what she did with her own body was despicable. She started to remember why she had pushed against him in the first place. Scratch that. She was right in doing so. She knew it. The fact that the relationship didn’t work out was his fault not hers.

Looking over at the clock, she nearly had a heart attack. She ran out of the house bolting to the bus. This was her last day. Ever since the incident at Damien’s house, Kerass no longer sat next to her on the bus, but went back to his seat in the back. He was sleeping. Just like the beginning, he seemed a million miles away from her. She determined then that she would slip out quietly. She knew he wouldn’t give her the chance to say goodbye. Her exiting was going to be noticed by no one, the same as she had entered. She was once again invisible.



Jay sat in the passengers seat as his father drove him to school. This whole new form of bonding seemed both sweet and pathetic at the same time. They didn’t have a relationship at all.

They sat in silence while One Direction’s first CD Up All Night was blaring from the speakers. For some unexplainable reason their music always soothed him. Whenever he was down all he had to do was plug in a 1D CD and his worries seemed to vanish for that brief period of time blaring out the song.

They were on the fourth track on the album as they drove into Oak Stream’s parking lot. Instead of driving up to the school’s entrance, his father put the car in park and shut the engine off.

“Uh, thanks Dad, but why aren’t you driving to the entrance?” Jay asked bewildered.

His father turned and looked at him saying that they needed to talk. Jay asked what was up. “Look, I’ve been holding back on asking you this for several months now,” his father began.

Jay’s heart dropped. He didn’t want to have ‘the talk’ now, especially this early in the morning. “Dad, don’t you think it’s too early for the sex talk?” Jay asked.

“No,” his father said emphatically. His father continued saying that during one’s teenage years hormones raged and a lot of questions about identity came up. “I have to ask you this,” he said letting out a deep breath. “Are you gay, Jay?”



It was on the walk down to the cafeteria at lunchtime before he saw her. Damien just took a second to look at her. She was beautiful. He couldn’t help but marvel at her beauty. Before he knew it she was turning down into the stairwell. He raced towards her, nearly breaking out into a run to get to that stairwell. The moment he turned into the stairs, he walked as slowly as possible attempting to keep his cool. He wasn’t about to show her how desperate he was to talk to her.

She looked over at him. They locked eyes for less than a second, but her face didn’t light up the way he had remembered it to. There was a tear that was falling down her face. She continued to walk down to the cafeteria. He knew then that he shouldn’t go after her, that he should let her handle whatever it was on her own. She obviously didn’t want to tell him what it was. It didn’t matter though. His feelings overwhelmed his reasoning.

He couldn’t fully remember how it happened, but he was sitting next to her at the cafeteria having given him permission to do so. That initial interaction was really a blur to him though.

“I’m leaving,” she said. She told him she was going back to Our Savior.

His throat tensed. He didn’t know what to say. He ultimately decided to wing it and hope and pray that God would bless his prayer. “I’ll wait for you,” he said. He went on saying that he didn’t care that she had attacked his beliefs or that she seemed to push against him. “I love you, Cadence. That’ll never change. I know Kerass isn’t talking to you at the moment. I just want you to remember that you have options. I’ll be waiting here for you when you come back.”

He then had the urge to kiss her on the cheek, but thought better of it. He got up and walked away realizing that he had said all he wanted to say. He had given it his best shot. Now all he could do was wait.



The day seemed to drag on forever. Kerass couldn’t wait to get on the bus to go home. He found himself counting down the minutes during his last class. 5 minutes to go… People started packing up their stuff. The day’s assignments were being turned in on the teacher’s front desk. 3 minutes to go… People started lining up at the door itching at the seems to run out of the building. Kerass, always having been one to obey the rules, sat quietly at his desk. He hadn’t packed a single thing. 2 minutes to go… The clock stopped. The second hand remained unmoving. He couldn’t believe his eyes. Time had literally stopped extending the school day. It was as if all of his worst nightmares were becoming a reality. With 1 minute to go, the minute hand and the second hand moved in perfect synchronization around the clock. The time was 2:05. Instantly, the final bell of the day went off. Kerass nearly leapt out of his seat, packing his stuff while he walked out of the door.

Ms. DeSouza called out to him right while he was in the doorway. He turned around reluctant. “The front office would like to speak with you.”

He grunted agitated that he had to spend another few minutes inside this school today. He was just so over freshmen year. After the football season, he had gotten his wish. People weren’t fake around him anymore, but they weren’t there either. No one seemed to notice him after the season had ended. He was itching for a vacation, but there were three more months left.

When he got downstairs, he found that there was only one student left in the office. It was Cadence. She looked over at him. Tears were streaming down her face. All of his instincts screamed at him to go over to her and to comfort her, but instead he just stood there unmoving.

“That’s the final form you need to fill out Cadence,” the receptionist told her. “I hope you enjoy the remainder of your freshmen year at Our Savior Lutheran. We’re losing a star student.”

“Thanks, Mrs. Boldling,” Cadence said, her voice barely above a whisper.

Kerass walked over to her on her way out of the office asking her when she had become so close to the receptionist.

“I haven’t, Kerass. It’s just called being polite.”

“So this is really it, huh?” he asked. “You’re really leaving?” She responded yes and that he wasn’t supposed to know about it. “Why wasn’t I supposed to know about it?”

“Because!” she said louder than she had initially intended to. “Because it’s hard enough to say goodbye leaving things the way they are,” she said her voice steadier.

He was speechless. He didn’t even know where to begin. He could barely believe that he even made a sound, but he said ok in response. He was about to burst into tears. The only girl, scratch that, the only person that he had trusted completely even if not all the time was leaving and she didn’t even intend to tell him. She didn’t even want to say goodbye. “I guess I’ll see you later,” he found himself saying.

“See you,” she said walking out the door.

He completely spaced that he was supposed to do something in the office. The world seemed to pause around him. The only thing he could focus on was her feet walking out the door. Inside his head he was screaming at her not to leave, not to go. The next word out of his mouth he spoke out loud.

“Please.”

End of Year 1

Fallen Leaves - Chapter 9: Heart Attack

It was the early hours of the morning and Jay couldn’t get any sleep at all. His mind was racing thinking about Kerass. He knew what he was thinking was wrong. He knew he shouldn’t think of his best friend in this way, but he couldn’t help himself. There was something about Kerass that had always appealed to Jay. At first he thought it was just his brutal honesty. Kerass wanted someone who just saw him for him, not the things he did for sports. That was obvious to Jay, but he recognized what attracted him to Kerass the most was his body. Part of him felt awful. Even though he had two allies so far in his coming out process, the one who he desired the most to be on his side was Kerass. Little did he know that the more turned off Kerass was by it the more deeply it turned him on.

He turned over on his side closing his eyes attempting to go to sleep…it didn’t work. He reached out and grabbed his phone. Turning it on, he went straight to the pictures. It was the last picture he had taken. That way there was easy access to it. He pulled it up making it full frame. The picture was no longer enough. He knew he had to do something else to stimulate himself. If only he could find a boyfriend then he could actually release and be in perfect harmony, but that was an impossibility if he remained in the closet.

His next thought was to check and see if he could get into a gay bar. At least there he would feel comfortable and accepted, but he was underage. There was no way he would be able to get in. This just devastated him. He started to feel alone. His mind went straight to the worst-case scenario: he would never be accepted and he would never find love. He began to retreat inside himself again. Perhaps Damien was right all along. He shouldn’t have been so bold, so quick to offer up that information. He hated himself for desiring acceptance so much. He should be stronger than this. Feeling tears forming, he fought them back swallowing his spit. He wasn’t going to be overcome with emotions, not this time.

There was a knock on his door. What could his father possibly want at 2:30 in the morning? He opened the door, instantly yawning attempting to fake sleep. “What is it Dad?” he asked.

“Jay, Kerass’ father had a heart attack. He’s in the emergency room. I could take you-” he said, but Jay tuned out the rest. He was fully dressed within a minute. He had to be there for his friend.

“Let’s go,” he said walking past his father racing out the door.



Kerass sat in silence. He contemplated going to see his mother again, but thought better of it. He didn’t know what to do. Time seemed to be at a stand still. Every time he looked back over at a clock, only 3 minutes had passed. He had yet to hear from any doctors either, but in a way it comforted him. No news was better than bad news.

The second hand ticking was the only sound heard in the waiting room. He began to focus on the sound as it continued hammering on and on driving him insane. He couldn’t stand it anymore. The next thing he knew, Cadence was walking over toward him. He hadn’t called Cadence. The utter shock he felt left him speechless as she sat down next to him instantly hugging him. He didn’t reciprocate the act. He just sat the way he did, not even looking into her eyes remaining emotionally distant, stagnant.

“Jay called on his way over,” she said.

Kerass asked why she had beat Jay if he had called on the way. She responded that Jay was waiting outside, unsure if he should come inside or not. “I guess you and I should talk first,” he said, his voice hoarse.

“I know you’re scared, but-” she whispered in his ear, but he cut her off claiming that he wasn’t scared at all. She asked him what he meant by that.

“I’m not scared,” he paused sighing. “I feel-” he began, but decided against it. He didn’t want Cadence to truly know how he felt. He wanted to talk with Jay about this, but she had been the one to walk inside the building. Kerass contemplated in his mind whether or not he should continue talking with her. “I need to talk with Jay,” he finally said.

“Ok, I’ll go and grab him,” she said empathetically and then walked towards the door.

“I think you should leave,” he said right as she stood at the door. His comment made her pause. He couldn’t tell what she was thinking, but he didn’t care. The only person he was focused on was himself and the only person he wanted to talk to was Jay.



Jay stood outside the door leaning against a pole. He was itching to know how Kerass’ father was doing, but the feeling of betrayal beat out his curiosity. Before his mind escaped him into deeper regret, Kerass walked over to him.

“I really wish you’d come inside,” Kerass said with a smile on his face. That seemed a bit sadistic. How could he possibly be smiling at a time like this? It infuriated Jay to see Kerass so calm about the situation.

“Yeah, well, I’d rather stay out here,” Jay said remaining in his stance. Kerass laughed at his response. Jay couldn’t hold it in anymore. He had to ask. “How can you be laughing at a time like this?”

Kerass asked a time like what to which Jay responded not knowing the condition of his father. “It is what it is, bud. I mean I can’t change that."

Jay knew he was bluffing. “This is so typical of you,” he said anticipation quivering from his voice. “You always hide your emotions because you’re too afraid of what people will think of you.”

Kerass responded that he wasn’t afraid. Jay cursed in response telling him that he was lying to himself. “I just want the truth for once. Come on, Kerass, if you can trust anyone it’d be me, right?”

Kerass replied that the truth was he didn’t want Jay to cuss in front of him again. “As far as who I could trust, it would have been Cadence, but that’s over with now.”

“Stop hiding!” Jay yelled at him not realizing his voice came across so strongly. “Just tell me how you feel,” he said lowering his voice to a whisper.

“Nothing,” he said with an exaggerated sigh. “I feel nothing.” Jay responded that that was ok to which Kerass replied that it was not. It was the farthest thing from ok. “I don’t even know if I care if my father lives or dies. How sick is that?”

Jay remained silent. This was Kerass’ time to vent. No judgment would be given here. “You know,” Kerass continued, “there’s a part of me that even wishes that he’ll just pass on,” he said beginning to pace back and forth, back and forth. He didn’t even make eye contact as he continued talking. “I know it’s so wrong of me, but if I had to choose between one of my parents to be with me, to wake up from this nightmare, I would choose my mother every time,” he said, his breathing becoming heavier. Jay could tell that his eyes were glistening. He had never seen Kerass like this, so vulnerable. It made him feel uncomfortable. “He’s dead to me already. I just want the pain to go away. I want the pain to stop,” Kerass said as he started breaking down uncontrollably crying. Jay didn’t dare walk over to comfort him. He felt uncomfortable and ultimately didn’t trust himself in that situation.

“Kerass Coscarelli?” a voice called out the door. One of the doctors had finally stepped out. Kerass immediately turned off the tears and stepped into the building. You couldn’t even tell that he had been crying just a second ago completely amazing Jay at how quickly he could turn it off.

Cadence stepped out of the shadows then.

Jay asked, “How much did you hear?”

“All of it,” she replied, her voice bitter. “I should go,” she said turning around walking straight to her car. Before he knew it, she had driven out of the parking lot.



The doctors were explaining a bunch of gibberish, none of which Kerass understood. Kerass cut them off saying, “Cut to the chase, doc.”

“He suffered from a heart attack, but he’s stable now,” the doctor said. He continued saying that for a moment his heart had fully stopped. They had to perform CPR. “But we got him back,” the doctor said with a smile on his face. He continued saying he left the best news for last. “He’s awake now.”

“I want to see him,” he said without a beat. He couldn’t recall a single thing the doctor said past that moment. He didn’t even remember how he got to the specific room his father was recovering in. All he could remember was seeing his father lay in that bed helpless. It broke his heart. He started to regret all the things he had thought and said outside. He wasn’t dead to him, he was just more distant than he desired. He was certainly emotionally distant, but seeing him like this, so weak and susceptible, none of it mattered anymore.

“Hi,” he said quieter than he had ever said anything before in his life. He reached out his hand. His father reciprocated the act. They sat in silence neither one daring to disturb this moment of intimacy.



Her mother woke her up. This was the first time since the fifth grade that her mother had to wake her up for the school day. Something just seemed off. Knowing now definitively she was back at square-one, the reality of high school just depressed her even more.

Walking down the stairs she saw that there was an extra bounce in her mothers’ steps. She didn’t want to be cheered up though. She wanted to remain miserable. Maybe she would put up a facebook status talking about how depressed she was. At least then she would know that people actually cared about her. Her mother locking eyes with her, she knew her mother was going to volunteer the information she withheld whether she liked it or not.

“Seeing as how Damien was expelled from Our Savior Lutheran, you have been reaccepted!” her mother said beaming. “Now you can get what you always wanted. You’re going back to Our Savior!” her mother shouted.

Her mother’s attempt to cheer her up had completely backfired. Now she felt more depressed than ever.

“What?”

Fallen Leaves - Chapter 8: Moments

The silence continued to grow. Stillness seemed to be everywhere. It had been a full week, and Cadence had yet to say another word to Kerass ever since he had left Damien’s house. She had seen him each day in the hallway, but he avoided eye contact. As it had felt when she first came to the school, she began to feel invisible again. Perhaps it was what she deserved, but it still didn’t make things any easier to deal with.

Damien walked over towards her. Anticipation rose inside as he walked over to her. She didn’t want to be derailed, but she didn’t want to be pursued either. She didn’t know what she wanted.

“Hey,” Damien said. The simplicity of the greeting took her aback. She struggled to open her mouth and respond back. Not even knowing that her vocal chords were working again, she realized she had replied with a simple hi.

Silence ensued after the initial greeting which only made this whole interaction the more awkward. “We should really talk,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper. It took her a moment to process through what he had said because he was so quiet. The confidence he exuded with ease vanished after that night.

“Yeah, I guess we should,” she said against her better judgment. The last time this had happened it had ruined her relationship with Kerass. She wanted to make sure that this wouldn’t ruin it. She stopped herself. She had admitted to Kerass that she had had sex in a previous relationship. She also admitted that it meant nothing to her, but her own stubbornness let him leave the house without hesitation. She never went after him. She didn’t say anything else to Damien either, she simply left the house without a word. She let him go. Kerass and her were…she couldn’t even utter the word in her own mind. They were…she forced herself to say the word out loud, “over.”

“Over what? Like lunch or something?” Damien asked. She responded that that would be best. They would meet in the cafeteria and talk things out. He moved towards her in an attempt to hug her, but changed his mind midway. He awkwardly turned around and walked away.

“Over,” she said again louder this time breaking the silence that had consumed her for a week.



Damien walked into the English hallway. Room D60 really meant nothing to him. He was still trying to find the layout of the school. Upon walking into the classroom, the seating arrangement had changed yet again. His seating partner was Jay. His hand immediately shot up in the air. Mr. Hendricks called on him asking for his name for the ten thousandth time. “Damien, how come I’m sitting next to a freshmen? I’m a junior!” he exclaimed.

“It’s just study hall,” Mr. Hendricks said. He went on to explain that each study hall was packed with freshmen, sophomores, and juniors. Seniors got to eat lunch off campus during study hall period.

“Ridiculous,” Damien muttered under his breath.

“I’m really not that bad once you get to know me,” Jay said beside him instantly making Damien feel bad. Damien apologized saying he was just surprised by how study hall had worked at Oak Stream High.

“So…you’re the ex right?” Jay asked. He continued explaining he meant the ex that had come from out of town to sweep Cadence off of her feet.

“Let me guess, Kerass’ best friend?” Damien replied. Jay nodded. Damien continued saying, “Thought so. So, what’s his deal?” He went on asking why he was so intense.

“He’s less intense than he is judgmental,” Jay responded spitefully.

This surprised Damien. Jay was supposed to be Kerass’ best friend and yet he was derailing him behind his back. Wanting to learn more, he asked, “Why would you say that?”

“He’s a Christian,” Jay said.

“Back off!” Damien exclaimed. Mr. Hendricks perked up asking the two of them to quiet down. “So am I,” he said quieter.

Jay continued saying that that was fine but he didn’t want his rights imposed upon. Damien asked what rights he was referring to. “I’m gay,” Jay said.

“So what? That’s fine,” Damien said. Jay’s face revealed his thoughts. He was in shock. He wasn’t expecting to hear this. Damien continued saying, “This is the 21st century, right? We allow women preachers now. Times change and the way we read the Bible does too.”

Jay’s mouth dropped open. Damien continued saying that although he didn’t have a problem with it, he did have a problem with him releasing it so publically so quickly. “Seriously, be more careful about that. I mean, it’s fine now, but you could get beat up for something like that.”

“You’re right,” Jay continued saying that it just felt like it was his whole world and he just wanted acceptance.

Damien said he knew. “But don’t let any one thing consume your world.”

“Not even Christianity?”

“Especially not Christianity,” Damien replied. He said it was just a moral code that he chose to live by, nothing less, nothing more. He couldn’t understand why more Christians were like him. There was no other way to truly be a Christian he felt. Too many things just didn’t add up. However, when he said this out loud, he began to wonder if he even believed in the moral code of Christianity at all anymore. Deciding not to dwell on it, he asked Jay where Kerass was.

“I’m not sure,” Jay responded. “I haven’t seen him at all today.”

Lunch was nearing. Damien started counting down the seconds. His eyes never strayed from the clock. When the bell rang he bolted out the door without a word to Jay.



Kerass set his lunch down on the table next to her. He sat down and started to eat in silence. His mother lay in silence. Her breathing was rhythmic ultimately soothing him. Even though he didn’t know if she could hear him, he knew she was still alive and that was reason enough to put a smile on his face. It was moments like these that he treasured.

“I, uh,” he started clearing his throat, “I skipped school today to see you, Mom.” Tears started to form in his eyes. He continued saying that he was still doing well grade wise. He got A’s and B’s. “I don’t really get noticed after football season…I, uh, joined the swimming team. I’m not very good, but hey it’s at least something to keep my mind off of things.” He took a deep breath. Tears were flowing down his face now. It would have been easier to have just said the words in his head, but if there was even the slightest possibility that she could hear, it made talking through the tears worth it. “I’m so lonely, Mom. I feel like no one really sees or even hears me…” He paused, his face dropping. “I think we’re officially over now. She slept with her ex. Granted, it was while they were dating, but losing her virginity meant absolutely nothing to her.” His voice started to crack. “I’m so lost. I’m so alone. Mom, I can’t take the pain anymore. I feel like ever since your accident there’s been this huge hole that hasn’t been filled inside of me. I thought Cadence could fill that, but it only numbed the pain for a little while and now I’m all alone again.” His hands started shaking as he reached his hand out and grabbed hers. “Why isn’t Dad proud of me? Why can’t I ever please him? Mom, I need you. I need you to wake up. God, please, please help my mother to wake up,” he said barely above a whisper as he collapsed hugging her. His tears fell on the sheets until his eyes had run dry.

As he lay in silence the only thing he could hear was the rhythmic sound of her beating heart on the monitor.



Cadence sat down at her table waiting for Damien. She looked around the cafeteria. Neither Damien, nor Kerass were anywhere in sight. She started to get worried, not for Damien, but for Kerass. Even if it was over, she still felt protection over him. Before her mind wandered even more, Damien sat down next to her.

“Well-” he began.

“It’s over, Damien,” she cut him off. His face dropped. His breathing became deeper.

“I kinda expected as much,” he said a single tear slowly moving down his face. “Can we at least learn to live with each other being at the same school?” he asked gasping for a breath after he finished speaking.

“I don’t know,” she said. The silence after her response commanded attention. She didn’t want to even be friends anymore. Her decision was final, but she would never say this out loud to him. She tried to convey all of this with a simple look.

“Are you still friends with Jay?” he asked.

He obviously didn’t understand the finality part of the look. It frustrated her. She didn’t understand how he could possibly have interpreted that look any other way. Before her thoughts started racing he continued on saying that he and Jay had become fast friends during their study hall period. She asked him how.

“I accepted him as gay,” he said with a chuckle. “I guess I’m the only Christian who’s told him it’s ok to be gay.”

Her frustration at him turned into fury. He was completely blind to the contradictions in his very statement. “Damien, you are not a Christian.”

“Yes I am!” he exclaimed offense painted across his face.

“No, you’re not.” She continued saying that a Christian wouldn’t have sex before marriage. “A Christian wouldn’t claim that it was just a moral code. A Christian would say it’s about a relationship with God. A Christian would not encourage someone to embrace homosexuality. Now, I’m the farthest thing from a Christian and I was Jay’s first ally in his coming out process, but you have got to stop lying to yourself. Your views and your words don’t add up.”

“There’s nothing you can say. I know I’m a Christian. I just show more grace than the majority of us do,” he said boldly.

“Whatever, you can keep lying to yourself,” she said. She continued saying that eventually he would realize that she was telling the truth. He got up from the table and left the cafeteria without another word.



By the time Kerass walked into the house, he had realized he had spent several hours at his mother’s bedside. His father sat at the couch waiting for him.

“What do you think you were doing today?” his father asked. He continued saying that he had missed practice, which would cause him to miss the upcoming tournament.

“So what? Missing a tournament is more important than missing school?” Kerass asked back sarcastically.

“Yes! Because that’s who you are, Kerass.” His father then said that that was his best attribute. It was the thing that made him unique.

“You know what, I could care less about what you say because there is so much more to me than just being the sports star,” he said storming out of the room.

His father let out an aggravated scream that echoed off of the walls of the hallway. Kerass turned around screaming back, “WHAT!” What he saw caused the color to drain out of his face. His father lay on the floor. He ran over and checked his pulse. He couldn’t find one. He instantly pulled out his cell phone and dialed 911.

“Hello, my, my father,” he paused, his mind racing trying to figure out how to speak, “I think he’s suffered from a heart attack. He’s not breathing.”