Fallen Leaves - Chapter 50: Through the Dark

Cadence inhaled. It was the right decision. She knew it to be true. Although she would never be able to forgive herself for missing Lyra’s funeral, she knew she had made the right decision bringing him back into her life, bringing him close to her again.

He was no longer controlling. He never questioned when she left the apartment anymore. They could no longer sustain the house and he thought the change of scenery would help their affections for each other. He certainly was gentler with her. But people like that didn’t change. They never would. Rolling her shoulders she tried to get him out of her mind.

Once again, she found herself drawn to the water tower. Memories of Gus popped into her brain. There wasn’t much she could think other than he truly loved, and it was a beautiful thing to witness, to behold.

Clinging to the foot of the tower, she found herself hugging it. Inexplicably it made her feel safe, comforted. She would never forget the first kiss with Gus on the top of the water tower.

A hand tapped her shoulder. Turning around, she saw Gus standing beside her. She had forgotten that her high school classmates hadn’t gone back to college to wrap up the spring semester just yet.

“How are you feeling?” Gus asked.

“Fine,” she lied. She continued stating she couldn’t be better. “I’ve never been happier.”

“You never were that good of a liar.”

“I can take care of myself, Gus. That’s what I’ve been doing this whole time.”

“Really? That’s not the way I see it.”

“Why do you keep trying to save me? What, do you like want to get back together or something?”

“No, not at all actually,” he exhaled. “Neither of us are in a healthy enough place for that to happen.”

“Then what is it?”

“I still care about you, Cadence.”

She breathed to the side. She couldn’t even look at him after he said that. Staring at the ground around her, she hoped silently that he would leave her alone.

“I can’t see you get hurt again,” Gus stated gently. “Not anymore. I just can’t stand on the sidelines and do nothing.”

“He won’t hurt me again. I can assure you of that,” she replied a strength to her voice that even she was surprised at.

“Come back to your friends, Cadence. We want to see you at Evergreen Forest. I…” he paused. “I brought you this application, just in case. I transferred there for spring semester. I had forgotten had good of friends I had at Oak Stream High. I needed to be reminded of that and I believe you do too. Don’t trust him. Trust your friends.”

Leaning forward, he gently caressed her face, quickly kissed her forehead and walked away from her. It didn’t matter what he had said. She felt that after the night was over, she wouldn’t have a friend in the world.



Walking down the street, Jeremy walked over to Pax, who was waiting for him on one of the benches spread throughout Main Street. Greeting him, he sat down beside him and thanked him profusely for coming to Lyra’s funeral. “You have no idea how much that meant to me.”

“I think I can grasp the concept,” Pax reassured him.

“I hate this…” Jeremy paused.

“Hey,” Pax gently touched his back. “It’s fine to take as much time as you need to mourn Lyra. Bit of a shock, I’m sure.”

“Yeah, that was, but that’s not what I meant,” Jeremy sighed, scratching the back of his head. “See, you’re graduating in a month. I don’t know why I’m asking, but will we ever see each other again?”

“You’re worried that after I leave campus that we’ll lose touch?”

“Yeah,” Jeremy sheepishly whispered his reply.

“It’s really up to you. I would love to keep up with you, but I’ll place that ball in your court. I’m sure there’ll come a day when you don’t need me. Hell, I think that day’s today. I’m glad you want me though and I hope that’ll never change, but it’ll be fine if it does. Don’t you worry, Jeremy. We’ll survive this transition.”

Not sure why, Jeremy believed him. He thanked God for giving him Pax as a friend and Jaden as a girlfriend. He had grown so much in the past year. His confidence alone had quadrupled. He was no longer afraid of his past. He believed he and Pax would be lifelong friends and he felt a great comfort and peace in that thought.



Jay knew they needed to talk. Gil had left right after the funeral to head back to campus. Jay and many of the others stayed over the weekend. Going to his contacts list, lying down on his bed, Jay called Gil. It didn’t take long for Gil to respond.

“Hey, man! How’s everything going?” Gil asked.

Jay stated things could always be better. “But I feel lucky to be alive today.”

“I know the feeling.”

“Let’s just cut to the chase,” Jay prompted. “I know that we wouldn’t work out in a romantic relationship, but I was think-” he began.

“That’s right,” Gil cut him off. “But I’ve been doing a lot of thinking as well. Remember what Kerass said at the funeral? She lived. I think we should just do it. I had apprehensions about it at first, but I don’t want to hold back anymore.”

“Uh…” Jay didn’t know what to say. He knew he was brining up the topic, yet the proposition was incredibly awkward. But what Gil said made a lot of sense. His mind started racing again. Quieting his mind, he knew what the answer was. He had made his choice.

“What do you say?” Gil asked.



Kerass sat at his mother’s grave. He wished Lyra had a gravestone in the cemetery, but it was her mother’s wishes to not have that reminder. He missed his mother terribly. All he wanted to do was tell her all about Lyra and how much he had loved her and learned from her. Sitting here would have to do for now.

“I’m sorry it’s been so long, Mom.”

“Excuse me, am I interrupting something?” a man asked him standing by the grave right next to his mother’s.

Kerass assured him it was fine. “I’ll keep quiet.”

“You don’t have to. Who is it you’re visiting?”

“My mother. She died two years ago.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s ok,” Kerass told the man. “I think I’m getting used to her being gone.”

“As strange as it is to say, I think that’s a good thing. My name’s River by the way,” the man said holding out his hand.

“Kerass,” he replied taking it. “Who are you visiting?”

“An old girlfriend. Her name was Evergreen Cunningham. She died seven years ago.”

“Have you gotten over it?” Kerass asked testing.

“I think so. I come here every year in remembrance. We weren’t dating at the time of her death, it’s something for years that I regretted, but life carries on. I can’t change the past.”

“We’ve got something in common. I lost my girlfriend, too. She died two weeks ago.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. You’ve experienced a lot of pain in the short span of your life, haven’t you?”

“Hasn’t everyone?” Kerass asked naïvely, hopefully.

River shook his head. “I’m afraid not. It’s been very hard on you. I can see it in your eyes.”

“How did you move on?”

“I got lost in school then, my work now. I’m a professor. Right at the time though, I ended up losing my religion. Nothing in life has ever helped me more than stepping away from Christianity.”

“My girlfriend, Lyra, embraced it before her death. I had fallen away after the death of my mother, even before then to be honest, but Lyra really wanted me to read the Bible and I’m thinking about doing so.”

“I’d advise against it. I don’t think it’ll help you in the long run. It’s a system of rules that are impossible to follow. Reading the Bible will only bring you down. You need something uplifting like Siddhartha. It sounds like you’re on a spiritual journey. I think that book would help you.”

“I’ll think it over,” Kerass promised him.

“I hope you find what you’re looking for. Sometimes I still feel like I’m searching. Anyways, I’d better go,” River said more to himself than to Kerass. “It was nice to have met you, Kerass.”

As River walked away, Kerass looked over to Evergreen Cunningham’s gravestone. He wondered what type of life she had lived. She lived longer than Lyra did in terms of age, but not by much. He wanted to know her story. He had heard of Siddhartha before, but had never considered reading it. His promise to Lyra was bigger though. He would read the Bible first. Forget what River said. Lyra wanted him to read the Christian scriptures. To make her happy, regardless of how he felt about them, he would do it to pay tribute. He felt no need to read Siddhartha. His mother would be delighted to know that he was returning to the Bible. He felt he could be at peace with the two women who meant the most to him by simply reading a book.



Damien lay on the grass by the nature trail. The sunglasses on his face still didn’t block out the sun from his gaze. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky. He tried to relax his brain, his mind, but he had trouble focusing. Lyra’s death had impacted him to his core. He couldn’t stop thinking about how he didn’t want his life to get away from him. He would try his best to live in the moment.

One thing he was grateful for was that Kerass was in a much better place than he had been at the start of fall semester. He felt he had made a true friend with him despite the first two years when they had first met back in high school. Confident he had been a true friend to Kerass this year, he knew that when he was down Kerass would be a true friend to him in return.

Someone stepped up beside him, looking down on him. The person blocked the sun from his eyes. Opening his eyes fully, he saw that Jay was standing there.

“Wha-” Damien began.

“Shh,” Jay cut him off. He asked Damien to allow him to speak first. “I made my decision.”

“About?” he responded confused.

Leaning down on one knee, Jay held his arm out. “Take my hand. Stand with me.”

Unable to prevent himself from stopping, from thinking, Damien grabbed his hand and stood up with him.

“It’s you, Damien. I chose you.”

“You know how I feel about waiting for marriage.”

Jay nodded. “I thought what I wanted was just to rush into it, not build it up so much, just get it over with. No, see I don’t want that anymore. I want to be with someone I believe I could live my whole life with. I’m lucky enough to have met him in high school.”

“I thought you were over me last year at prom.”

“It was a rough year for all of us, but through the dark I was able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Guess who was standing there waiting for me.”

Damien rolled his eyes. It was so cliché, so stupid, but undeniably sweet. Gazing at his face, he placed his hand on Jay’s face, caressing it. He wiped a stray tear that was falling down. “Are you sure you’re willing to wait for me?”

“I’ve never been more certain of anything else in my entire life. What do you say?”

Thinking over everything they had gone through, he knew what the answer would forever be. “Yes.”

Jay jumped up in his arms. Grasping him, holding him up, they kissed each other. It was easy, effortless, like they had never been apart. He had no doubts then that he had made the right decision.



Julia walked with Kerass towards her car. They had met before the going-away party. He had thanked her profusely for everything she had done for Lyra, but his answer wasn’t what she wanted to hear. He didn’t ask her to stay. Stating it was best for her to take the time she needed away from Oak Stream he reminded her that they would be friends, but he couldn’t be her emotional support as he needed so much emotional support himself.

“Thank you,” Julia said as they stepped inside her car.

“What for?”

“Everything,” she said. She listed several reasons, but found herself babbling. The smile on his face melted her heart. She hadn’t seen him smile like that in years. Summarizing, she said, “For being my friend.”

“I’ll always be your friend, Julia.”

They drove the rest of the way to the party in silence. Tears started to fall down her face. There were so many things that she couldn’t stand about Oak Stream, yet inexplicably, she found herself missing the place already.

The party was a blur. Funny memories, sad memories, wonderful memories were all shared about everyone’s encounters with Julia. Jay had shown up, as well as Damien and Gus. The time went by way too quickly. Before she knew it, it was past midnight. She needed to hit the road. She felt most alive driving with no one else on the road at night. The words that were shared as she prepared to drive off, she would write on her heart forever.

Damien started, “You are a beautiful soul and I’m so thankful to call you one of my best friends.”

Gus continued, “You’ll be welcomed back without question whenever you decide it’s best to return.”

Jay then stated, “I wish I could go with you. You have changed for the better and I wish I had more time with you.”

Kerass concluded, “Promise me you’ll return. Don’t be gone forever. No matter where we go, Oak Stream is home base. Oak Stream is home.”

Hugging each of them in turn, she gave Damien and Kerass a kiss on the cheek and forehead respectively before she got inside her car. Looking in her rearview mirror, she saw all four of them standing in a line waving goodbye to her. Yes, she had friends. She had a family that extended past her bloodline. Nothing else made her prouder as she drove past the town limits.



Kerass was fully awake. It was much harder saying goodbye to Julia than he thought it would be. Yet sitting in Lyra’s home with all the lights on, he knew he’d have to go back to school on Sunday. Having already placed his transfer, he knew he wouldn’t be with Damien much longer. He would join Jay, Jeremy and Gus at Evergreen Forest starting in the fall. He needed his friends now more than ever and he felt content that with transferring schools he’d be back with his friends. He didn’t want to lose his friendship with Damien, but he would graduate within a year, the others he could spend the next three years with.

Sitting on the couch in the living room, he opened up Lyra’s…no, it was his now, his Bible. Looking through the table of contents, next to the book title Song of Solomon, Lyra had drawn a red heart. The sentence next to the heart said: This is my favorite book.

Flipping through the pages to Song of Solomon, Kerass sat back as he prepared to read the Bible again for the first time in years. He was determined this time to make Lyra happy. He knew both his mother and Lyra were smiling down on him as he opened up the book. Without a thought of anything else, he began reading Song of Solomon.



Staring at him, Cadence believed her glare could kill. The man who had caused her so much pain had no idea what was coming. She had to protect others from him. He would never hurt her again. She had sealed her fate.

“What are you doing?” he asked afraid. He begged her to put it down.

Holding the gun out in front of her, pointing it at his heart, she exhaled while she gently squeezed the trigger.

End of Year 5

Fallen Leaves - Chapter 49: 18

Julia tried to smile as she walked down Main Street. Nothing would ever be the same. The town was so small and filled with so many bad memories in the past year alone. The sun was shining. Lyra would’ve liked that. Her eyes started welling with tears. She had cried for a solid hour sobbing loudly when she had heard the news. All sense of hope vanished in that moment. There were so many mixed emotions. One was relief that Lyra was finally at peace, no longer in pain. One was emptiness for she had dedicated the greater portion of the past year being by Lyra’s side throughout the sickness. Another was loneliness. She felt there was no one she could share her sorrow with. Lyra was gone. She would never smile at her again, never make her laugh again, never challenge her thoughts again. It was over. She was never coming back. The pain was overwhelming.

Stepping inside The Hub, Main Street’s burger joint, she tried to find joy in eating in her favorite place in town. The Hub seemed so small, so empty now. She didn’t feel like anything would cheer her up.

Glancing over at a table, she saw Cadence sitting down, a book cracked open, reading vigorously. The food could wait.

Sitting across from her, Julia asked, “Whatcha reading?” She continued saying it must be gripping as she was so involved with it.

“Just pleasure reading. Actually Lyra had recommended it to me.”

“Really?” Julia asked stunned, but hid it well.

“Yeah, she said it was her favorite book,” Cadence hesitated.

“Well, go on. What’s it called?”

“Sorry, I realized she had changed her mind at the end. At least that’s what the obituary in the paper claimed. She must have really loved the Bible.”

“Oh, she did.”

“Anyway, before that all went down, she loved Ethan Frome.”

“Edith Wharton.”

“Yeah, good for you.”

“I read it high school, wasn’t a big fan, but I’m glad you like it.”

“What don’t you like about it?” Cadence asked.

“The ending. A grandiose love story that ends with a suicide attempt by sledding down a hill. Yeah, I just thought it was stupid.”

“I don’t think it is. I guess you never really experienced a genuine love triangle before.”

“Oh, and you have?”

“I’ve had my fair share. Two to be exact and that’s already two times too much.”

“Was you, me and Kerass one of them?”

“No, that would make three, but he was quite honorable about staying with you and not pursuing me when you two dated.”

“I don’t mean to change the subject…” Julia trailed.

“Please do. I can’t get her out of my head. Say it, anything else besides that.”

“I’m going to be leaving town.”

“Back to school?”

“Something like that,” Julia exhaled. It was so difficult to say, but she just needed to let it out. “I’ll be back eventually, but I just can’t stay in Oak Stream over the summer. Too many memories. I can’t go a single step without one memory with her popping up.”

“Well, good luck to you.”

“There’s going to be a send off, like a get together, not a party or anything, just a small gathering of friends. I’d love it if you showed up.”

“I can’t. I don’t think he’d be happy if I did that.”

“You’re back together with him?” Julia asked floored.

“Yes,” Cadence replied stoically, averting eye contact.

“Well, at least come to the funeral this afternoon.”

“I don’t think that’s possible.”

“Fine. You do what you want, but if I see any more bruises I’m calling the cops.”

“Please don’t. I know what I’m doing. I can handle myself. Promise,” she whispered the last word.

Julia couldn’t take it anymore. She rushed out of The Hub without a thought of grabbing food or saying goodbye to Cadence. This foolish decision was one too many. She couldn’t stand her anymore. She knew if Cadence kept up like this, she wouldn’t have a friend in the world.



Jaden clung tightly to her Bible through her tears. Everyone had disappointed her. She felt she had really screwed up a beautiful relationship with Jeremy. Her only comfort was the Scriptures, Jesus’ words, God’s promises to her. She had lost sight of what was most important to her. That needed to change. Convincing herself that would change, she wiped the tears off her face with the back of her hand.

She perused through Romans, a letter that was a part of Scripture. Finding great encouragement in those words, whilst being challenged, she read through it quickly.

As she read the final sentence, she felt great relief. It had been far too long since she had cracked open the good book. The moment she set the book aside her phone rang. Glancing over to it, she recognized Jeremy was calling her.

Picking up, the only word that came to mind was, “Hey.” She continued to ask how he had been.

“Better, that’s for sure.”

“I’m so sorry, but you already know that,” Jaden treaded lightly.

“I know. I have to tell you something. Lyra, this girl I went to high school with, see, she, uh, she um, she died.”

“Wow…” Jaden breathed. There was nothing else to say. She couldn’t even bring herself to say sorry. It was just such a shock. She had never heard of her before, but she felt the tears forming as she knew it hurt Jeremy and when he hurt, she hurt.

“Thank you,” he replied. “I know it’s affecting you too.”

“You read me well, even over the phone.”

“I guess…” he trailed off. “See, I’ve realized because of this that life is way too short to hold grudges or to remain angry. I wanted to tell you that not only do I forgive you, but I want to stay with you.”

“I want that too.”

“I know you do. I’ll see you soon, the funeral’s in a few hours, so I just need to prepare. We’re gonna have to hike to the location. It was one of her wishes, I think.”

“All right. You know that if I was there I’d go with you.”

“I know you would. This is just something I’m going to have to do myself.”

Bidding him farewell, she hung up on him. It was odd getting what she wanted through the midst of a tragedy. She felt guilty, but she couldn’t help smiling. “Thank You, God,” she whispered.



The procession to the funeral was a 4-mile hike to the stream, the very stream that the little town was named after. The first two miles were on the path, while the final two miles went deep into the woods away from anything manmade. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky. Kerass squinted his eyes as he walked alone. Silence was his only peace.

Selfishly he wished there were no one else attending this funeral. He desperately wanted to celebrate Lyra’s life in solitude. Jay had encouraged him afterward to write their love story down on paper, but he simply couldn’t bring himself to do it. He didn’t want to relive the memories. His only desire was to create new ones. That was no longer possible and it hadn’t been that way for over a week.

Two Saturdays after her passing…that was when the funeral was scheduled. A year ago, before he was aware of the sickness, when he first found himself falling for her, he was convinced that she would get married in nature without a pastor, a minister present. Things had changed after high school. He hadn’t been a part of her experiences then. Granted that was fully her choice, but in hindsight, he wished he hadn’t been so stubborn. He wished he hadn’t wasted all of his time with Jez. All of the hours, the joys, the tears, all of that time could have been alongside Lyra, but she didn’t bring him in until the very end. While he understood why Julia kept things quiet, to respect her wishes, he found himself inexplicably angry towards her.

Lyra’s mother had spoken with him constantly, begging, imploring him to speak at Lyra’s funeral. At first he said no, assuming it was only because he had been there when she passed, but he had no recollection of seeing her pass. She was already gone by the time he awoke. The words that her mother had spoken to clarify would stay with him forever: “She said you were the love of her life and I believe she meant it.” Without words, he nodded, telling her yes. He couldn’t bring his voice to work in the moment, but he knew he’d be able to speak at her funeral.

Slowly behind him, her mother carried the ashes. That was another wish he had never been told. She was cremated within a day of her passing. He wanted to protest, but he knew it wasn’t his place. His memory of what she looked like would have to suffice. Lyra was gorgeous, a truly beautiful, breathtaking woman, but her greatest beauty was her soul.



Pax drove into the parking lot outside of the nature trail. Thankful he had finally found the location, he breathed a sigh of relief. Driving took a lot out of him and he was glad to be done, if only for a few hours. Jeremy wasn’t kidding when he claimed he hailed from a small town. Oak Stream was the smallest town he had ever seen.

Another car drove up. Whoever it was was also late. Pax no longer felt so bad. A black man stepped out. He decided it would be best to walk with him in hopes that this man knew how to get to the stream. Lyra must have been an interesting person to desire to have a hike to her funeral.

“Hey,” Pax called out holding out his hand.

“Hey,” the other man said in reply shaking his hand.

Pax asked him what his name was. The man told him his name was Vance. Pax continued to ask if he knew where to go. “I’m brand new to Oak Stream. See I mentor a guy who went to high school with Lyra.”

“Really?” Vance asked. “One of my closest friends is quite close to the man who loved her.”

“That’s interesting. So neither of us really belongs here.”

“No. I guess we’re just supportive friends.”

“Well, let’s walk,” Pax suggested.

“I have an idea of how to get there. I feel really guilty being 20 minutes late.”

“I only got in like three minutes before you did.”

They began walking on the trail in silence. It was awkward, but understandable. The directions had stated once they got off the path to remain silent while they walked to the stream to respect Lyra. Pax just wished he had known more about her, who she was.

“Your friend,” Vance paused, “you said you mentor him. In what way?”

“In my faith. I’m a Christian. I try to help Jeremy to walk with the Lord. I’m not doing a great job to be honest and he’s much further along than I was at his age. We learn from each other, but I don’t think he knows that.”

“What parish do you attend?”

“I’m Christian, not Catholic.”

“Oh, sorry, force of habit.”

They continued to walk in silence. Pax really didn’t want to talk about anything. He was exhausted by the drive and the hike wasn’t making things any easier. He felt the Lord kept pushing him to talk to this man. Fighting with the Lord never seemed like a good idea, but Pax found himself doing it anyways. Beginning to sweat, feeling his heart hammering against his chest, he blurted out, “I’m assuming you’re Catholic?”

“I’m not sure anymore. I firmly believe it’s the only true expression of Christianity, but I don’t know if I want to be under that umbrella at all.”

“Why?” Pax asked with sincerity.

“I’ve deeply hurt someone.”

“So have I.”

“I mean physically.”

“So have I,” Pax reassured him. “See my best friend Jaden, I hit her with my car while I was driving drunk. She’s ok now, but that moment really woke me up. It took her a long time to forgive me. You know who forgave me first?”

“Jesus.”

“That’s right, you already know the answer.”

“Do you want me to share?” Vance asked staring at the ground.

“Only if you want to, man.”

“My person never forgave me. I knocked a guy unconscious on the football field and he went into a coma. That was five years ago now. Just last week, well he died.”

“I’m so sorry,” Pax interjected. He didn’t know what to say and he felt awkward, but he trusted that the Lord had led him to this conversation. They needed to continue. All he had to do was open his mouth to speak. “I don’t know what else to say.”

“I thought I had gotten over it, forgave myself, but when he died, it just drug up the sludge all over again.”

“I bet.”

“Do you really think it’s worth it? Living life with Jesus, with God?”

“Yes,” Pax replied firmly. “I’ll never do it perfectly and neither will you.”

“I ran away from Him, from God after I found out about the death. I even told my friend who’s opposed to Christianity that I thought I was walking away, but I don’t want to do that anymore.”

“Maybe you need some time away from this guy. It sounds like you really need to talk to the Lord, have your brothers in the faith walk alongside you.”

“Is it possible that the reason God pushed us to go to this funeral was so we found each other?”

“It’s not only possible, it’s probable,” Pax patted Vance on the back. “I’ve done my fair share of running away from Him too. He’s waiting for you to turn back to Him.”

“I know…” Vance sighed. “I’m just scared to.”

“Then tell Him that,” Pax gently challenged him. Vance didn’t verbally respond, only nodded.

They walked the rest of the way in silence. Pax felt a weight was lifted from his shoulders. He knew then the conversation wasn’t over, it had only begun.



The funeral began as her mother who carried the urn up to the stream’s edge stepped in the water barefoot. Taking a deep breath she began by welcoming everyone and thanking them for taking the hike in silence to the location.

“Lyra loved Oak Stream. Of all the places we had lived, even in big cities like DC, she loved Oak Stream the most. She stated that people were true and genuine and felt it remarkable how much people loved each other here. One of the things she enjoyed most was hugging others to show how much she cared for them. Please, can we all turn to our neighbors and hug them?”

Kerass looked to his left. Gus was walking up beside him. They immediately embraced. Kerass told him he had missed him.

“I know,” Gus nodded.

There was a tap on his shoulder. Jay stood to his right. Kerass hugged him. They hadn’t done so in over a year. That connection between the two of them hadn’t been lost, only forgotten for a time. He had never felt closer to Jay than in that moment. The moment they broke the hug, Kerass was hugged from behind. Using his periphery vision, he could tell it was Damien. Mr. Baganz gently gripped his shoulder. No, nothing had changed. Knowing then what he had believed to be true a week ago, he confirmed that he hadn’t lost any of his friends. He promised himself in that moment that he would be loyal to them in return, no matter what.

Several more words were said. Kerass couldn’t focus on any of them. He really wanted to be fully present for her funeral, but his mind wandered to the first time they had hiked together…reflecting:

“It’s just 5 more minutes to the top,” Lyra snickered. “Then I promise you can see higher than the water tower.”

“Yeah, well, I think I’m going to pass out,” Kerass panted. He continued pleading with her for a water break.

“All right, but I thought the athlete in you would be able to handle these conditions.”

As Kerass sat down swigging water, wiping the sweat off his brow, he looked over at Lyra. He found her shaved head oddly attractive. He couldn’t take his eyes off of it.

Lyra slapped his arm, “I told you I don’t like you staring at my nonexistent hair like that with your goggling imaginative eyes of what was.”

“I think you’re beautiful,” he slipped out. Internally he was challenging her to look at him, but she avoided eye contact.

“We need to keep pushing if we’re to make it back downhill before nightfall.”

“May I ask you something?” When she didn’t reply, Kerass felt it was ok to ask anyway. “Why did you ask me to go on this hike?”

“Why did you say yes?”

“Because I wanted to spend time with you away from everyone else. You don’t ask questions. You accept where I’m at.”

“That’s where you’re wrong Kerass,” Lyra replied. “I don’t accept where you’re at because I believe you’ll grow, but you need to desire it first.”

“I need you to listen to me. You and Gus are the only two people I trust. Will you help me grow?”

“I can’t do that for you, not right now at least.”

She had helped him grow more in her final day than anyone else had in his entire life. Promising her, hoping wherever she was she could hear him, he committed to grow as she had always hoped for him.

He never knew if she had accomplished her goal. She so desperately wanted to become a legal adult. He hoped she had, but feared she may have passed before then.

“And now for a few words from Kerass Coscarelli.”

Kerass closed his eyes, trying to focus. Taking a deep breath, he opened his eyes and stepped towards the edge of the water.

“I don’t have much to say. Lyra was a great friend. She loved others like I have never seen before, nor do I believe I’ll see that deep of love again. I can only hope to love others a fraction of the way she loved. Her greatest gift to me was teaching me how to love amidst such deep and terrible tragedy. She taught me patience. Her life was short, but she experienced love in return. I know that to be true. She lived,” he whispered the final sentence. Proud that he had never shed a tear, that he held himself together, he walked back over to his friends. Lyra’s mother touched his back comfortingly as he passed by her.

Stepping into the middle of the stream, the water rose to Lyra’s mother’s waist. She clung her daughter’s ashes to her chest.

“Her final wish was to become legal, to become an adult, to turn 18. She died on her 18th birthday. My baby, my little girl is no longer my little girl. She is my beautiful adult.”

Pulling the top off the urn, she tipped it upside down. Lyra’s ashes spread in the wind, every last piece landing in the water, landing in the stream that she loved.



Jay wiped the tears from his eyes. He never understood Lyra when she was alive, but every journal entry since her passing had been focused solely on her. Looking over at Kerass, he knew he should stand beside him even now, walk alongside him as they hiked back towards the nature trail, back into town. People were now talking the whole way down. He knew he should be with Kerass, but all he wanted was to be comforted himself.

Glancing at Damien, he knew they could have a good life together, but they had gone through all of that before and it was possible that Damien couldn’t satisfy him sexually. Behind him was Gil. With Gil he believed he would be satisfied sexually, but the romantic spark didn’t exist, but was that fully necessary in a gay relationship? Sexual attraction certainly was, but romantic, he wasn’t so sure. Lyra’s death put everything in perspective. He needed to ensure he wouldn’t let life pass him by. He couldn’t choose, but he knew he had to.



The parking lot was full. Kerass was overwhelmed by the amount of people who had shown up to Lyra’s funeral. Her mother stood beside him. She embraced him. “Thank you,” she whispered in his ear. “Your words were beautiful.”

Assuring her it was nothing he thanked her. “It was an amazing ceremony. I know Lyra would’ve loved it.”

“I know that too,” she replied gripping his hand, gently squeezing it. “I have something for you in the car.”

Walking over with her, he couldn’t think of anything he’d want to take away from her mother. He would always have his memories. He didn’t need any material things to honor her.

Smiling whilst her eyes brimmed with tears, she handed over Lyra’s Bible to him. “I know she wanted to give it to you.”

Kerass’s hands shook as he timidly took the Bible from her. “I promise you that I will read this, just like she asked me too.”

“Open the cover. She left a note for you,” Lyra’s mother encouraged. She didn’t stay for him to read it. Hugging him one last time, she walked away from him and sat inside her car.

Kerass opened the cover. Lyra’s note was very short. It read:

Kerass,

If you are reading this, then I have passed, but trust me I am finally experiencing true joy. I’ve highlighted my favorite passages in here. I hope they speak to you the same way they spoke to me. May the Lord comfort you now. If I haven’t said it yet, believe me now: I love you.

Lyra

Unable to hold it in anymore, Kerass burst into tears, weeping, gasping for breath. He was so thankful that he had experienced her love even if it was only for a short time. Every second was worth it.



Julia knocked on Kerass’s door. He was staying at Lyra’s house for the funeral. It was so hard to be here. Everyone had comforted Kerass, but not a single person had comforted her who had sat beside her for a year, watching her deteriorate in front of her eyes. She understood it, but she wasn’t happy about it. She felt like everything she had done was unappreciated, worthless, but she reminded herself that Lyra had appreciated it.

Kerass opened the door. His eyes were welling with tears. He welcomed her inside.

“I was just going to say goodbye to Lyra’s mother.”

“She’s not in right now. I think she’s spending the night in a hotel, but you can make yourself at home anyway.”

“I don’t think that’d be a good idea. See I’m having a going away gathering tomorrow night and I just wanted to tell her goodbye before I left town.”

“You’re leaving?” Kerass asked, his voice laden with disappointment. “Why?”

“I think you know. Too many memories.”

“Good memories.”

“The best,” she agreed with him.

“Avoiding it’s not going to help.”

“I know, but it’s just too overwhelming right now.”

“Then let me help you,” Kerass offered through his tears.

Julia looked deep into his eyes. He meant what he said, she was certain of that.

He sighed. “I feel like you’re the only one who truly gets it. I need you, Julia. I understand why you’re doing it, but I wish you didn’t have to. I’m gonna miss you.”

Locking eyes with him again, she couldn’t believe the words coming out of her mouth, “Ask me to stay.”

Fallen Leaves - Chapter 48: I Want to Write You a Song

Kerass slowed his breathing in an attempt to calm himself down while he waited for Jay to reply. It had been so long since they had spoken directly it was hard for him to remember what Jay’s voice even sounded like. The moment Jay spoke, Kerass felt at peace talking to his oldest friend again.

“I know,” Jay replied. “You don’t have to say anything more. I’d love to help you out in any way I can.” He continued stating it had been far too long since they had talked.

“Yeah, I’ve been avoiding you because I didn’t want to face who I’d become.”

“Yep, like I said, you don’t have to say anything more.”

“Lyra, well I mean, she’s asked me to do something for her.”

“Wait, are you two dating?” Jay prodded.

“No,” Kerass couldn’t help but roll his eyes feeling privileged that Jay couldn’t see. “We’re just good friends. She wants me to sing her a song and well, I want it to be original, but I don’t have any musicality whatsoever. You’re artistically bent though, would you write me a song to sing to her?”

“I can’t write music. I can barely sing. I’m decent at best, but I can sell it up on that stage. You’re looking for a song though…what vibe, friendship, romance?”

“I’d like it to be romantic.”

“So there is something there, huh?” Jay replied his voice jumping up an octave.

“It can’t be anything, but I’m fine with just being the friend, really.”

“Well if you want romance, ain’t nothing more romantic than One Direction.”

“You would say that…”

“You bet. Nobody’s got anything on my boys. Anyway, there’s a song on the fifth album I think could really help you out.”

“What’s the name of it?”

“I’ll send it to you,” Jay stated.

Kerass waited while the song loaded and then he started to play it. It was the typical cookie-cutter boy band crap that he couldn’t stand, but for whatever reason he thought Lyra would love it. He couldn’t believe the words that came out of his mouth, “It’s perfect.”

“Don’t tell me you’re becoming a Directioner now.”

“Nah, I just think she’d flip for it.”

“Well, why don’t you practice on me?” Jay suggested blissfully.

“What?” Kerass asked incredulously.

“Pretend I’m Lyra and you’re surprising me with the song.”

Kerass really didn’t want to do this, but running it past someone as gay as Jay might not be the worst idea. “I want to write you a song.”

“Wanted,” Jay corrected.

“Want!” Kerass playfully yelled back agitated. “I still want to. No past tense. It’s not past tense yet.”

“All right, fine, continue.”

“I can’t write music though, as much as I’d want to. But here’s what I’ve come prepared with. Then I’d start singing,” Kerass informed Jay.

“Now that’s romantic.”

“Shut up, man,” Kerass replied a smile cracking his face. Reconnecting with Jay was one of the only things in his life that was giving him happiness and joy amidst Lyra’s sickness. He couldn’t believe he had ever allowed them to grow apart from each other. One thing was certain: he was glad that they had found each other again and he didn’t want to let that go.



Jeremy waited outside as the usual Droplet crew filed in congregating outside the building. Even though he was mentored by a guy in Droplet and had a girlfriend who attended Droplet, he still didn’t feel like he was fully one of the fam. There didn’t seem to be a way to fix that though. He was still only a lowly freshman.

All insecurities flew out of his mind as Jaden walked over to him.

“Listen,” she began. She stated she knew they were taking some time apart. “But I have something to tell you.”

“Just because we’re slowing down doesn’t mean we can’t talk to each other.”

“Pax recommended that I not share this with you, but I trust you and I believe the Lord wants me to tell you.”

“What is it?” Jeremy asked apprehensively.

“When I first dated you, it wasn’t because I wanted to. I just wanted to get back at Pax because he didn’t want me. But what I didn’t anticipate was that I would fall in love with you and that you helped me fall in love with God more deeply, more intimately.”

Jeremy looked away. He was stunned. Pax had been right all along. Completely disregarding everything that she said about falling in love with him anyways, he only focused on the fact that they started dating out of spite. It made him sick to his stomach.

“Jeremy?” Jaden asked, her voice shaking. “Jeremy, please say something.”

“Pax was right…” he sighed. “You shouldn’t have told me.”

He didn’t care how she reacted. What she had said, what she had done hurt him deeply. It shook him to his very core. He didn’t care how irrational or unforgiving his thoughts were, he never wanted to see or speak to her again.

Starting to run away from the meeting, he ran straight into Pax.

“Whoa, bud, watch where you’re going.”

“Can we talk?” Jeremy asked, panting.

“We can after. I have to stay now. Adam Reedy’s talking tonight. I gotta support him.”

“Whatever,” Jeremy said brushing past him.

“Hey!” Pax yelled grabbing Jeremy’s arm as he passed in front of him. “I support my friends. We will talk, just not now.”

“I know, I’m sorry.”

“Stay.”

“I can’t,” Jeremy said as he jerked his arm out of Pax’s grip. He felt bad about leaving Pax like that, but opting not to think on it, he ran until he was completely out of breath.



Rushing into Lyra’s hospital room, Kerass picked her up. Stunned, she smiled, her eyes twinkling. Neither said a word. The delight in her face said it all. Not a jailbreak, but a hospital break was something they both needed. Running whilst carrying her, they raced outside leaving the hospital, and in turn, all thoughts of the sickness behind.



Sitting down at a table outdoors, Cadence sat across from the man, the one who had caused her so much pain. She couldn’t believe the words coming out of her mouth, but she knew exactly what she was doing.

“I forgive you.”

“You do?” he responded flustered.

“Yes,” she nodded. She added that she could tell he had really changed. “I want to try again. You are more gentle now than ever and you actually asked for forgiveness.”

“I’ve asked before,” he said. “I’m seeking help, honestly, but I don’t think this is a good time for us to get back together, not until I’m better.”

“How long will that take…forever?”

“I hope not, but even having lunch with you in public…it just makes me uncomfortable.”

“Why can’t our love for each other be enough to fix this?”

“Let me think about it,” he sighed placing his hands over his face.

Grabbing his hands, she leaned across the table and kissed him on the lips.

“Say yes,” she whispered to him. “Take me back.”

“Yes,” he whispered in reply, caving in.

She knew then that nothing would ever be the same again. He had given her exactly what she wanted and she felt at complete peace having the upper hand in the relationship for the first time since they had begun dating.



“Where are you taking me to?” Lyra asked.

Kerass told her not to ruin the surprise. “It’ll all come in time,” he said. Holding her in his arms, her arms around his shoulders, he carried her up the mountain. He was beyond tired, the muscles in his arm aching, screaming at him to take a break, but his determination to get her back to that waterfall that they skinny-dipped in last year kept him moving. It was just a few steps away. He remembered everything about that day, the good and the bad. Recreating the day wasn’t on his mind, making new memories there was.

Within minutes he had made it. She gasped in surprise and delight. Kerass rolled his eyes. “When did you know this was where I was taking you? I mean, you can’t be that surprised.”

“Actually, I didn’t know until we arrived. My eyes never strayed away from you.”

Gently setting her down on her feet, they took a moment to survey the top of the mountain. Not a sound was made. They couldn’t even hear any creatures moving about. The place seemed undisturbed, holy even. The serenity surrounding the waterfall made the area seem sacred. It was exactly how Kerass had remembered it. He knew it was unlikely that no one else had been there since the day they had ditched the senior prom, but he didn’t care, he wanted to believe that no one else had disturbed this spot.

“Don’t you worry, your mom’s fine with this,” Kerass reassured her, shattering the silence.

“Really?” she asked sounding relieved.

“Yeah, the doctor’s approved it too. They said it would be good for you to spend time outdoors.”

“Good. I’m glad you cared enough to ok it with my mom. I haven’t been able to be as spontaneous recently, but I’m glad you let me think so for a few hours.”

A mischievous smirk crossed her face. She ran jumping, cannonballing in the water. Water splashed drenching Kerass, but he didn’t care. Within seconds he was running and jumping to join her. Fully clothed in the water, it didn’t matter, whatever made her happy made him happy.

Descending to the bottom of the river, Kerass kept his eyes open, looking to see if he could see any wildlife, but nothing was around. Kicking off the sandy bottom, he rushed to the top gasping for air. Nothing would disturb their peace.



Damien jogged around campus, Vance jogging alongside him. Things were right again. He didn’t incessantly talk about Kerass, who he didn’t have a crush on, he was determined. However, things were weird with Jay. The ashes from the fireplace may have caught spark again. He knew that wasn’t scientifically accurate, but he didn’t care, it sounded great in his mind. Vance hadn’t said a word the entire time they ran.

As they took a break to stretch, Damien asked, “What’s up, man?” He continued stating that he was never usually this quiet. “Is something wrong?”

“You know it,” Vance replied instantly. “You’re the first person I’m telling this to,” he said, his voice unsteady.

“You can say anything. There’s no judgment with me,” he reassured Vance.

“That guy, you know, the one that I knocked unconscious on the field?”

“The one in the coma?”

“Not anymore,” Vance said to the side. “I just read that he died.”

“Oh my god…” Damien bit his tongue. He didn’t know what to say. It was so horrible.

“The worst part is I know it’s my fault.”

“You had nothing to do with it!” Damien spat back at him, chastising him for looking down on himself.

“If I hadn’t been on that field that night, he’d still be alive today. I need reevaluate everything.”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying, I don’t think I believe in God anymore. How could God treat his people like this? How is it possible that I would be punished this way?”

“Do you need to take time off from Christianity, because if you do, again there’s no judgment. I did that.”

“You never came back.”

“So? There’s more paths to God than just through Christianity, than just through Jesus.”

“You don’t even believe in God anymore.”

“I don’t, but does that negate anything I’ve just said?”

“I’m not sure anymore.”

“Just try it. Try a week, a month away from Christianity because this guilt, it’s not from you, it’s from the church. I felt guilty about being gay at first, but I realized that wasn’t from me, it was from the teachings of my church. Make sense?”

“Yeah…” Vance trailed off. “I’m afraid.”

“There’s nothing to be afraid of. There’s loads of possibility out there. You just gotta explore all the options. I can almost guarantee if you do, you won’t stick with Christianity.”

“I’ll think about it,” Vance said.

Damien started running again and Vance followed suit. They didn’t talk again for the rest of the run. It was strange, but it did bother Damien that this reveal shook Vance’s faith. If Vance doubted God, then he didn’t believe anyone could live life fully believing in God. He felt more certain than ever that God didn’t exist.



Clearing his throat, Kerass laid down in the sun drying off. Lyra couldn’t stop laughing as she lay beside him. He was in complete bliss. Taking off his shirt, he tossed it aside on the sand. Standing up, he asked her if she was ready.

“Ready?” she asked. “For what?”

He replied stating it was time for him to fulfill her request. “I’m going to sing for you.”

“I can’t wait,” she whispered.

“See I want to write you a song, but I’m not musically inclined. I think you may recognize this one though,” he said. Taking a deep breath, he began singing If I Could Fly by One Direction.

Pouring his heart out, he sang completely off key, had multiple key changes, and simply, in his mind, butchered what was a beautiful ballad. He locked eyes with her the entirety of the piece, his eyes never straying for a second. He watched as her eyes welled up. Everything in him wanted to go to her, to stop the song and wipe away her tears, but he stayed true to the performance. Her response revealed that it didn’t matter how awful of a singer he was, she wanted to just hear his voice. The moment he ended, she applauded, cheering him.

“That was breathtaking.”

“Stop it,” he said aside.

“I’m serious, considering you know you don’t have the talent to carry a tune, it took a lot of guts for you to stand here and sing to me.”

“I guess so…” Kerass said lacking confidence.

Standing up, she went over to him, placing her hand on his face, caressing it, she said, “Thank you.”

Taking her hand off his face, she grabbed his hand and led him to the edge of the water. He followed without question.

“I don’t know if there’s a more beautiful spot in the whole world,” she said tearing up.

“We could stay up here, if you’d like. You’re not expected back at the hospital until tomorrow.”

“Yes,” she breathed. “Let’s spend the night up here. There’s no one I’d rather be here with than you.”

“Are you telling me you love me?” Kerass asked trepidatiously.

“You know I do. There’s no reason to hide it anymore. My only regret is I didn’t tell you sooner. We would’ve had so much more time together. I’ve always loved you, Kerass.”

“Come here,” he told her, grabbing her hand he drew her toward him. For the first time he did what he had wanted to do for over a year, he kissed her on the lips.

Reassuring her, he said, “We’ve got plenty of time left.”

“Lie with me?”

“Are you sure you want to?” he asked gently.

“I don’t want to sleep with you, but I want you to hold me, to lay beside me, while I sleep tonight.”

Nodding, he followed her lead as she lay down on the sand. Lying beside her, he placed his arm around her, holding her close. His hand felt her stomach as it went up and down as she breathed. It didn’t take long after he closed his eyes to fall asleep. His mind wandered as he dreamed. He dreamed of being with Lyra, marrying her, having children with her, growing old with her. It went in slow motion. He saw all of his friends present at the wedding. His father was even there. The ceremony was beautiful. He couldn’t make it through the whole ceremony without crying. He saw the birth of their first-born son. He saw their three boys running around the house, toying with each other. Lyra’s beauty never faded. Soon after he saw the kids grow up and get married on their own. He saw all the grandkids, but most importantly he saw Lyra and him standing by each other through it all. He saw his life as he wanted it to be and it was a good dream. He thought of nothing else that night than the dream of his life with her.



Opening her eyes, Lyra saw the sun rising, cresting through the trees. She had neglected to tell Kerass that today was her birthday. She had done it.

“I made it,” she whispered to herself. “I’m an adult. I’m 18.”

Taking in the sun’s rays she felt she had accomplished everything she had set out to do. This was it. She could tell the Lord was calling her home. Preparing herself to meet God, she exhaled and breathed her last.



When Kerass woke up the following morning he heard creatures rustling about across the sand, in their space. Something had changed. The space was no longer peaceful to him. Her stomach was no longer moving up and down. He instantly realized that Lyra was gone.

Fallen Leaves - Chapter 47: Half a Heart

Cadence stared at him, the man who had caused her so much harm. Glaring at him, she tried with one look to make him feel the pain he had put her through. His eyes seemed different. They seemed warm and welcoming.

“Please, Cadence,” he pleaded quietly.

Nothing needed to be said. She closed the door again and walked away. There was no banging on the door or more begging for her to take him back. She didn’t need to look to see if he had left. She didn’t care. The answer would forever be no.



Picking up the phone, Kerass knew he had to make the decision. He had thought he wasn’t strong enough, that he didn’t respect her enough. Yet once she told him to choose between her and a friend, granted a female friend, who was dying the answer was obvious. It was still hard and painful, but there was no way of getting around it.

Going to her name on his contacts list and purposefully selecting phone call to avoid seeing her face over FaceTime, he heard the phone ring once before she picked up.

“Kerass,” Jez breathed. “I hadn’t heard from you in three days. I was beginning to think you wouldn’t call.”

“Yeah…I was wondering when I would myself,” he breathed. He told her he was sorry it had taken so long.

“We usually FaceTime. Why just a phone call today?” she asked, apprehension in her voice.

Kerass cleared his throat. “God, this is so hard.”

“You don’t have to say it.”

“No, no, I, I do. You made me choose.”

“I know,” she replied, her voice shaking.

“I choose Lyra and the saddest part is she’s just a friend. I wanted to be with you, but I can’t turn my back on my friends. Not anymore.”

“I’m sorry I ever asked you. I’m not myself without you. I’m only half a heart. Please forgive me,” she begged crying.

“I, I can’t,” he stated with finality. He felt alive sticking up for himself. He didn’t wait for her to reply. “Goodbye, Jez,” he said under his breath and instantly hung up the phone.



Jeremy smiled as Jaden walked slowly towards him. She grabbed his hand and leaned forward to kiss him. He gently shook his head.

“Not today, Jaden,” he replied nervously.

He averted eye contact. She placed her hand on his face and turned it to meet her eyes. “Talk to me, please. We can work it out, but you have to be honest with me.” She concluded stating she at the very least deserved that.

“I think we need to slow down.”

“You want to break up with me?” she replied surprisingly stoic.

“No, just turn it down a few notches. I love you. You teach me things and delight in me. I don’t want to lose that, but when I’m around you all the time, I lose God. That’s not ok with me.”

“It shouldn’t be. God should always be number one.”

“I want to cut back on kissing.”

“That’s fine,” she instantly agreed.

“It takes me down a thought path that I can’t seem to get out of. I want you, so much, but if I lose God in the process, that just…I can’t even consider that.”

“I’m not asking you to lose God over me. That’s the last thing I want. I want your relationship with God to grow because we’re together.”

“I feel the same way.”

“What if instead of dinner every night, we only do one night, Saturday night? That way you can spend time with Pax and your other bros in Droplet.”

“Hmm…that’d be really good actually.”

Jaden nodded. “I need my sisters too. I’ve been neglecting them for you.”

“I never asked you to do that.”

“I know. We’ll make it through this, promise,” she replied.

She leaned forward to kiss him, but mid-way Jeremy saw in her eyes she remembered what they just talked about. She opened up her arms and hugged him. He couldn’t help but hug her right back. It felt natural and true. With that one act alone, he no longer felt guilty about his relationship with Jaden.



Logging onto Skype, Jay wiped his brow. He had just finished a jog around campus. His heart pounding, and not simply from the run, he looked over his contact list. Damien was away. Jay ran his hand through his hair. Had he forgotten about their Skype call? A moment later, the yellow circle became green.

Jay hovered over Damien’s name ready to pounce, itching to begin the call, but he froze. He didn’t want to appear too desperate. Next moment he realized he was being called.

Instantly accepting the call, he smiled as he saw Damien pop up on his laptop screen.

“Hey!” they both shouted at each other simultaneously.

“It’s good to see you,” Jay began. He had stated he had missed him.

“You know we talked last week, right?” Damien observed.

“Yeah, I know, but it doesn’t make it any less true.”

Damien smiled. “That’s sweet, Jay. Thanks for that. I missed you too.”

“Have you had a good week?” Jay asked curiously, but withholding his true question.

“Yeah, it was great, but that’s not what you want to ask me, is it?”

Jay exhaled avoiding eye contact. “No, not fully,” he timidly admitted.

“Why don’t you just say it? It’s not like we have to keep secrets from each other.”

“It’s just really awkward, ok?”

“So?” Damien chastised flabbergasted.

Letting go of his self-doubt and fears with one exaggerated sigh, Jay said, “I think there can still be something between us, more than friends.”

“You’re asking me to start dating you again?” Damien gingerly asked.

“No, not fully at least. See, I’m in college now. I don’t want to wait anymore. We’re friends, good friends, great friends. I thought, maybe, since we trust each other, you could be my first time.”

“Wow, and you’re asking me this post-dating,” Damien laughed. “You were right to be hesitant man, that’s one hell of a weird question.”

Jay tried to avoid eye contact. He felt torn. He wanted the answer to be yes because he did trust Damien and he felt Damien would be very sweet, but it would also change the friendship dramatically. Even though he said it wouldn’t, he knew deep down that sex created a completely new dynamic that he wasn’t sure how it would affect their friendship. The part that treasured his friendship with Damien hoped and begged that the answer would be no.

“It’s a sweet offer, Jay, and I know you mean it that way. It’s hella weird, but sweet. Look, I’m going to say no, but not for the reasons you think. See, I know I’m gay and all, but I still hold a very traditional view of marriage.”

“Wait, what?” Jay asked bewildered.

“I’m saving myself until marriage. I’m going to be a virgin until my wedding night.”

Jay was floored. He didn’t know any homosexual still believed in traditional marriage values. It was beautiful, enticing, and romantic, but he didn’t know if he could wait the way Damien was convicted to.

“You’ve got a choice,” Damien offered. “I agree, I think there’s something really unique, really special between us, but I’m not going all the way until the wedding night. If you’re willing to wait with me, I’d love to date you again. If not, and there’s no judgment if you can’t, we’ll still be friends. I just can’t do what you’ve asked me too.”

Jay breathed deeply. He knew a year ago he felt everything between him and Damien was over, but with Lyra being terminally ill and Damien being so sweet and consistent in his life, he couldn’t imagine his life without him. Could he date him? He felt like he could have a future with Damien, but he was tired of waiting. Gil would give him a temporary fling and sure it’d be fun, but he didn’t see them sustaining long term. He felt torn about it.

“I hate to cut this short, but I’ve just gotta think,” Jay admitted.

“Take your time,” Damien reassured him, waving goodbye to him as Jay shut his laptop screen.



Kerass felt his heart pounding as he saw Lyra lying down in the hospital bed. She was filled with so much joy. A smile burst through her like sunbeams cascading through the clouds.

They exchanged the briefest of pleasantries. Kerass asked her how she was doing, but she didn’t answer. He felt they weren’t even listening to each other, just delighting in each other’s presence.

“I’ve got something for you,” she stated ecstatically.

“I’d love to see it.”

“Hear it,” she corrected him.

Kerass backtracked stating he would be overjoyed to hear it. “I’m all ears.”

“This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends. You are My friends if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you. It’s from John 15, verses 12-15. By the way, it’s the New American Standard Bible, my favorite biblical translation,” Lyra whispered at the end.

“Well, that translation is certainly patriotic.”

Lyra beaming replied, “You’re funny.”

“Why’d you share that with me?”

“Because whenever I read that passage, my favorite part of scripture, the Holy Bible, I think of you. You are a great friend, Kerass, and you don’t even see it,” she said, her voice husky.

He wiped a tear from his face. He didn’t want her to see how emotional her words had made him.

“Don’t hide your face from me. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. Crying shows honesty. I love when people are honest with me.”

“I’m sorry,” Kerass whispered in reply. “You shouldn’t have to see me like this. It’ll only bring you down.”

“No,” Lyra shook her head. “It only emphasizes how close we truly are.”

“Your words are beautiful.”

“It’s not me who speaks to you, it’s God.”

He tried his best to not roll his eyes. She was truly genuine, but he just felt like he was being preached at. It was the sacrifice he had to make being around her.

“Kerass, I want to leave you my Bible after I pass away.”

“Why?”

“I want you to read it. I pray every day for you to come back to faith.”

“Why don’t you pray for yourself to get better?” he asked, pain laden in his voice.

“Because your salvation is more important than my health.”

“I didn’t think you were religious.”

“I stumbled when I first found out I was sick. I avoided God altogether, but He found me and I slipped right back in.”

“I’ll never understand you.”

“Good, that’ll keep you around to ask more questions. Will you do another favor?”

“I haven’t said yes to the first one.”

“No, but you will. I know you’ll respect my wishes, at least on that end.”

“What’s the other favor?” he asked averting attention from the previous request.

“I want you to sing me a song.”

“What? But I can’t sing.”

“It doesn’t matter. I want to hear your voice.”

“What song?”

“Any,” she breathed. “One that encapsulates our friendship.”

Kerass nodded. The two requests didn’t seem linked at all, but if they were her dying wish to him, he would make sure he would sing as loud as he could to please her.

“What’s your ultimate hope? It sounds like you’ve already given up the fight.”

“No, but it’s unlikely,” she replied. “I’m just trying to be realistic about this. I’d feel completely at peace if I became an adult.”

“If you turned 18?” Kerass filled in the blank.

She smiled. “You read my mind. I don’t know why that’s so important to me. I just want to become legal, to complete childhood before I die.”

Kerass felt his face change composure. Tears welling up, he was incapable of hiding it now. Hearing her talk, seeing her on that bed broke his heart into a million pieces. Not only did he commit himself to sing to her, but he would do anything to get her out of that hospital bed at least once more to take her back to where she felt most at home: in nature.



Jaden took a deep breath. Pax was sitting on the bench in the midst of the three giant evergreens. Their friendship had taken a turn in this spot years ago and she had avoided it ever since, but he must have found serenity in it.

Kneeling down she hugged him from behind. He grabbed her arms and held them there. Glad he didn’t push her away, she let go and sat down beside him.

“You should be very proud of your boy,” Jaden broke the ice. She continued stating that it was very brave of him to come to her like that.

“Who? Jeremy?”

“Yeah,” she nodded. “He really loves the Lord.”

“You do too, Jaden. I know that.”

“You were right though.”

“Meaning what?” he asked.

“I started dating Jeremy to get back at you.”

“Punishing me by hurting Jeremy is only going to hurt you, not me.”

“I agree, and I’m totally fine with you and Maddie by the way. I don’t know it just, the whole age gap thing caught me by surprise.”

“It did for me too, but we didn’t start dating until 2 years after she left our campus. That was how I knew it was real. Distance didn’t really matter. I just wanted to be with her. She helps me get closer to God.”

“I’m sure you do the same,” Jaden added smiling.

“We help each other,” he paused. “She misses you, you know?”

“She didn’t seem that sentimental.”

“Then you don’t remember her best friend, River?”

“Professor Getachew?”

Pax raised his eyebrows. “Yeah, they’ve known each other since they were in college.”

“Has she kept up with him?”

“Honestly, no, but that’s as much on him as it is on her. I believe they’ll find each other again.”

“Is he competition?”

“Remember he’s not a believer.”

“You don’t know that.”

“As far as I know, that’s not a problem. Mad’s talked to me about their friendship. It was never sexual at all. They wanted to be around each other, as friends. Sure there some kinetic spark, but it wasn’t romantic at all. I’ll be straight with you, we haven’t kissed yet.”

“Really?” she replied inquisitively, yet sensitively.

“Yeah, that thought path takes me to sinful, lustful places. To avoid that, we don’t kiss.”

“How do you keep the romance alive?”

“I write love letters to her.”

“Now that’s beautiful.”

“Thank you,” he responded placing his hand on her shoulder, gently gripping it.

Nervous as to how clingy the question sounded in her mind, she held her breath. What was the point in questioning their friendship? They cared for each other.

“Do you need to split with my boy Jeremy?” he asked breaking her train of thought.

“No,” she shook her head. “My intentions in starting to date him were wrong, but I found myself falling for him and his love for the Lord. I think we haven’t helped each other grow in the Lord, but I think that can change. I want that to change.”

“Good, I’m glad.”

“Should I tell him?”

“I wouldn’t risk it. Remember, he’s still a stupid freshman. It’d be crushing to him.”

“Maybe you’re right,” she averted eye contact. She really wanted to tell Jeremy so their relationship could be completely open and honest, but Pax did have a point. There wasn’t a problem right now as they were working things out and if she mentioned it, things could completely derail.

Striking up the courage, she changed the subject and asked the question she had been afraid to ask before, “Do you think we’ll be like Maddie and River?”

“No,” he shook his head, “we’ll be better. We’re brother and sister.”



Cadence walked into her mother’s bedroom. Her mother was working late that night. She didn’t trust anyone else, she couldn’t. Opening the drawer on the nightstand, she saw that it was still there. The light on the nightstand glinted on the barrel of the gun. Opening the revolver, she confirmed it was fully loaded. Picking it up, she carried it with her out of her mother’s bedroom.



The phone rang twice. Kerass swallowed, trying to calm himself down. Damien picked up on the third ring. Breathing a sigh of relief, Kerass found himself starting to tear up. Damien had been so good, so faithful to him as a friend, and he had continuously pushed Damien away.

“I’ve been terrible to you,” Kerass said, he voice shaking through tears.

“You don’t have to say it,” Damien said. He went on to say that all was forgiven.

“Please,” Kerass begged. “Just let me get this out.” When he heard silence on the other end, he knew he was allowed to continue. “I viciously attacked you verbally, especially regarding your sexuality.”

“It’s not the first time I’ve heard that,” Damien reassured him gingerly.

“I know, but you should never hear that from a friend. I hope we’re still friends, if you’ll have me.”

“Oh, Kerass, throw all your doubts away about that. We’ll always be friends, a verbal smack down ain’t gonna change that.”

“You are a real man, Damien and a real friend. I broke up with Jez. You were right all along, I just couldn’t see it until she made me choose.”

“Will you listen to me next time?”

“I’ll try to.”

“Trust our friendship. We’ll get through this. Now wipe away your tears. This is a happy moment as you’ve taken care of yourself by getting away from an abusive person who was suppressing you.”

“You’re right,” Kerass said feeling lighter already.

“I’m gonna need to go though, bud. We’ll talk again soon. Promise me you’ll call again.”

“You got it,” Kerass said cracking a smile before he hung up. Breathing a sigh of relief, he checked his voicemail. Jay’s name stared at him. He had neglected to listen to it for far too long. Pressing play, he held the phone to his ear, and listened.

“Hey, uh, Kerass, I know we haven’t talked in forever. I’m just gonna keep this short and sweet. I still care for you deeply. I know our friendship hasn’t been the way it was for years and maybe we’ll never get back to that, but perhaps we’ll become something different, something better. I’ll always be here for you. Call me at anytime and I’ll answer. That’s a promise.”

He trusted their friendship. They would make it through his distancing. Sure, Jay had brought up the whole college thing to his father. No longer pissed about that, he felt genuinely grateful. He knew he had the chance to live and he wanted to take advantage of all that life had in store.

He called Jay, taking a deep breath. Jay picked up after the first ring. “I’m sorry,” Kerass stated solumly. “I need your help.”

Fallen Leaves - Chapter 46: Little Things

The park was deserted. Snow blanketed the grass. The tree branches were iced over. Jeremy could see his breath. He held out his quavering hand. Jaden took it. They tried to keep each other’s hands warm, but they felt so cold. It was well below freezing. It seemed romantic to walk in the park with the snow. Jaden had showed him a movie, Love Story, where the couple played in the snow together. It was so bad and cliché that Jeremy had to bite his tongue from laughing at every line, but it was important to Jaden, so he suffered through it. He wanted to recreate that moment for her.

He stepped off the path and fell down in the snow, which comforted his fall. Jaden raised one eyebrow staring at him. He started making a snow angel, laughing uncontrollably. There was nothing funny about it, so he wasn’t sure why he was laughing, but he couldn’t bring himself to stop. He grabbed her hand and she came down toward him, leaning her head on his shoulder. He placed snow on her nose. They both stood up pushing the snow around, attempting to make waves unsuccessfully in the park. She threw a snowball at his face. He winced. His face felt like it would never be warm again. She rushed over to him, grabbed his hand with one hand and held his face with another. She kissed him.

“Did that make it better?” she asked gently.

“Loads,” Jeremy nodded.

“Jeremy, I love that you wanted to you know recapture the magic of Love Story with this, but I’m freezing. Can we head back to campus and just stay inside?” Jaden asked, her teeth chattering.

“Oh, Jaden, I love you. Let’s get out of here,” Jeremy replied.

Letting go of each other’s hands, they placed their hands in their pockets in an attempt to warm up. Jaden handed him an extra pair of gloves that she had brought. They were bright pink. It took Jeremy a moment before he caved and accepted the pair. It truly was very sweet, but he never wanted to be seen in pink…ever.

“Oh, Jaden…” he sighed, apologizing he told her he had forgotten. “I’ve got mentorship time with Pax during lunch today. I can just cancel.”

“No!” she blurted out at him. “It’s totally fine. I know you need that time. He’s having trouble accepting us as a couple, so just be gentle with him. It’s a rough transition for him.”

“You know I could choose a different mentor,” Jeremy suggested.

“He’s my friend and he’s your friend too. We can’t do that to him. He’ll come around. I promise,” she said with finality.

They walked the rest of the way back to campus as quickly as they could in silence.



Sitting on the bench beside Gil, Jay couldn’t help but smile at him. Gil looked at him inquisitively. Jay couldn’t explain why he looked at Gil so longingly. He didn’t want to date him and Gil definitely wasn’t the most attractive guy around, but he was comfortable. He trusted Gil.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Gil asked.

“Well,” Jay began. He stated that it was difficult to say. “I’m afraid it’ll get weird between us if I tell you…”

“What have I told you before?”

“As long as we’re honest with each other we’ll always be friends.”

“Exactly. Why do you doubt that?” Gil challenged him.

Jay shook his head. He wasn’t sure why, but he let it slip out. “You know I’m a virgin, right?”

“What? You and Damien…never?”

“No.”

“Why?” Gil asked floored.

“It never seemed right at the time. We trusted each other…for a while. It just never got to the next stage.”

“I’m impressed that having come out when you did in high school that you remained pure. It’s commendable, shows a lot of character.”

“I guess…” Jay trailed off. “Look, I just want to get it over with. I mean, we’re not going to be together with the person we lose our virginity to. I just don’t think in today’s world that’s a feasible option.”

“It’s the ultimate romance, isn’t it? But like you said, those romances aren’t a reflection of true life.”

“I was wondering if we could, just as friends, you know…”

Gil’s eyes lit up. “You want to?”

“Yeah, I mean the timing needs to be right and everything, but I do. I want my first time to be with a friend, with someone I trust.”

“Wow,” Gil exhaled. “I don’t what to say, but I’m honored that you thought of me. I want to say yes, but only if it’s what you really want. You always seemed to me to be someone more interested in a love connection than a body connection. It seems like you’re rushing into something that you might regret. Let’s give it time, ok? If you still want to by the end of the semester, we’ll do it.”

“All right, that’s fair,” Jay sighed feeling dejected.

“Don’t worry, this didn’t effect our friendship in any way,” Gil reassured him as he walked off to his dorm room.

Jay’s eyes widened like saucers when he saw Gus walking past him on campus. He couldn’t force his mouth to speak. Jumping off the bench, sprinting to catch up, he grabbed his arm and turned him around.

“Can I help you?” Gus asked floored, but his eyes said everything. He recognized him mid-question. “Jay, I had forgotten you were going to Evergreen Forest.”

“Gus, wha-, what are you doing here?”

“I sent in the transfer at the end of last semester and they accepted me.”

“Why did you want to transfer? Didn’t you like KNSU?”

Gus hesitated, exhaling. “The classes were aight, but I missed my friends.”

“That’s sweet, but I don’t buy that. You were always more of Kerass’s friend than mine.”

“Well, me and Kerass fought some at first, but I’ll give you that.”

“Why didn’t you transfer to Dowden Terrace?”

“Because Kerass isn’t there. He deferred a semester. I didn’t want to do that and I just needed people who truly knew me. KNSU was all about prestige. I was there on scholarship. I was never invited to anything, but that wasn’t the main reason I left. The classes didn’t stimulate me.”

“And you think that Evergreen Forest can achieve that?” Jay asked flabbergasted.

“No, but my friends can. Friendship just wasn’t going to happen at KNSU. It wasn’t in my cards. Plus Evergreen’s got the better nursing school.”

“Ok, then. Want to grab lunch?”

“After class. You’ve already made me 5 minutes late.”

“Fine. I’ll see you in a bit.”

“Yeah, I’d love to hear how things are with you, but I gotta run. I’ll meet you in the cafeteria in 45 minutes,” Gus said before walking away.

Jay had never really gotten to know Gus before, but was looking forward to it. He seemed very accepting and oddly loving. That was never the way he had pictured him in high school. Either he had changed, or he had never truly seen the real Gus before. It might be best to avoid the dating subject altogether.



Sitting down in the student center, Jeremy smiled at Pax. The morning had been wonderful and he didn’t want to meet up for mentorship, but Pax had been so great to him earlier in the fall semester. He wasn’t going to forget that.

“It’s been a while,” Jeremy said in an attempt to shatter the silence.

“Yeah, we haven’t had time to sit down since before Thanksgiving break. How’s everything going?” Pax prodded.

“My math class has been quite difficult this semester.”

“You doing the homework?”

“Not really.”

“And whose fault is that?”

“Mine,” Jeremy sheepishly replied.

Pax snickered. “It’s an easy fix. Just do it. You’re a hard worker, I’m sure you can pick it up again.”

“I need to, but I’m struggling to get with it.”

“Why’s that?” Pax asked gingerly.

“I’m a little distracted by some things…” Jeremy trailed off.

“Is this a girl thing?”

Jeremy nodded. He continued saying things had gotten tough since he and Jaden started dating. “I mean, she’s awesome and everything, but I just can’t seem to find the time for school anymore.”

“Hmm…” Pax groaned.

“You’re mad, aren’t you?”

“No. It’s your decision, but I had just hoped that since you did so well last semester you would’ve kept it up with this one, that’s all. I’m not mad, and I’m not upset. Disappointed, yeah, but you can still turn it around.”

“I guess so.”

“How’s everything going with God?”

“I haven’t prayed or read my Bible in months.”

“That’s not the only way to spend time with God.”

“It’s not?” Jeremy asked inquisitively.

“No, sure that’s a way we all can connect with God, but for some people it’s singing songs, writing poetry, walking in the woods, relishing His creation. Sure, I want you to be spending time in the Bible but I also want you to delight in Him. That’s something we can explore together.”

“How I most experience joy with God?”

“Exactly.”

Jeremy sighed. He didn’t want to share what had just come to mind, but Pax was very forgiving. He didn’t want to hear what he knew Pax would tell him, yet he knew he needed to hear it. “The truth is, ever since I’ve been going out with Jaden, I’ve been neglecting time with God.”

“Dating is a distraction for you, then?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m not going to tell you what to do, but if dating Jaden is causing distance between you and God, I think it’d be best to slow things down at the very least or question whether this is a relationship you’re supposed to have.”

“I knew you would say that,” Jeremy replied annoyed.

“Did you want me to tell you everything’s fine, when it isn’t? I see a problem. God can fix it, but you have to be willing to let go.”

“You’ve never been thrilled by me and Jaden.”

“No, I haven’t but that hasn’t clouded my advice to you, nor will it affect our friendship on my end.”

“I know…” Jeremy stoically stated averting eye contact.

“Then what are you concerned about?”

“I’m not concerned. I…I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for pushing you away when I started dating Jaden. That wasn’t fair to you. I should’ve trusted you,” he stated tearing up.

“Hey, it’s all forgiven. There’s nothing to worry about. I’m sorry though, I’m going to have to cut us short as I’ve got an introduction I need to write for my research paper.”

“When’s it due?”

“In three hours.”

“You’ll get it done,” Jeremy reassured him.

“You know it. We’ll find a time for next week. I’ll see you at Droplet later tonight.”

“You bet,” Jeremy responded bidding him farewell. That had been the most life-giving conversation he had since the semester began. He had no more doubts how much Pax cared for him.



“So do you have a guy in your life?” Gus asked.

Jay bit his tongue as he sat down in a peach-colored booth in the cafeteria. Jay shook his head. “No, not exactly,” he paused. He told Gus that things were complicated.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Hold on,” Jay responded, his voice jumping up an octave. “How do you know I’m gay? I never told you that.”

“The whole school knew. You told enough people. It’s not like you were hiding it or anything, right?”

“Yeah, but I just wanted to be the one to tell you.”

“I’m sorry. There’s nothing to worry about though. We’re cool,” Gus reassured him.

“I guess I just thought you never noticed me.”

“We were never in the same class together, granted. I know you solely by association, but I’m hoping that can change.”

Jay nodded. “I’d like that.”

“You seem really forgiving, Jay, really accepting. Honestly, I need more people like you in my life. I’m caring for so many others that there’s not really anyone I can equally share with.”

“Not even Kerass?”

“I was hoping we could, but he’s a little distracted by his new girlfriend.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard.”

“You reached out?”

“You know I have,” Jay replied to the side avoiding eye contact.

“He replied back?”

Jay shook his head.

“I figured as much. Listen, I just really need someone to hear me now. A peer. I can always talk to Uncle Jake, but it’s just different, you know?”

“I’d love to listen to you,” Jay stated patting him on the shoulder. He breathed deeply. Focusing so much on himself, it was a delight to be there for someone else, someone who wanted him to listen. All thoughts of his current plight in embracing who he truly was vanished as he zeroed in on Gus’s needs.

“Well, where to begin?” Gus began.

Jay got lost as Gus told him his story about his father and how he never knew who he was. It sounded all too familiar to the story of his birth mother. Perhaps they could truly be close friends after all.



Sitting in his car outside Lyra’s house, Kerass tried to end the phone call with Jez amicably.

“I don’t want you to see her anymore,” she told him. She stated something else about how hurt she was, but truthfully he zoned out for the next minute.

“I’m not dating her!” he yelled cutting her off. There was an abrupt silence. “I’m dating you,” he continued. “I gave you myself, my everything. Why isn’t that good enough for you? Why can’t you trust me with her? She’s dying, Jez! She needs me and not in a romantic way.”

“You’re spending too much time with her and it’s got to stop, Kerass. You have to make a decision. It’s her or me,” Jez replied bitterly.

“Whatever,” Kerass said hanging up on her. How she irritated him so, the spiteful…he stopped himself as he didn’t want Lyra to see him so angry. She’d only tell him to go and be with Jez. She was so selfless. No, he wouldn’t think on Jez now.

Stepping out of the car, he saw the door open for him. Julia stepped out to greet him. Rushing at him, she hugged him, gripping his shirt crumpling the back of it into a ball in her fist.

“What was that for?” Kerass asked breaking the hug.

“For being here,” she said wiping a tear from her left eye.

Side hugging her, they walked up to the door. She stopped him before they stepped inside. “She’s doing all right today,” Julia reassured him. She continued saying that she wasn’t doing as well. “It’s just all the little things about her. I love her, but it’s so hard. Can we talk after it’s all over?”

“I want your negative attitude to remain here. Don’t take it into the house with you,” Kerass slowly replied lowering his voice.

Julia didn’t reply. Kerass hugged her apologizing. “We’ll talk, I promise, but just not now.”

As they stepped inside the house, Kerass looked at Lyra, who had tubes around her body, in her nose. She smiled at him, calling out his name. Walking over to her, rolling his feet to soften the sound. He caressed her cheek and kissed her forehead.



There was a pounding at the door. Cadence left the deadbolt in for fear of who she would see. She could only use her right arm as her left was broken. Bandages were all around her as she had bruised ribs too. Her mother was out at work, so she felt unprotected, vulnerable. Being at her mothers house again, home, was comforting, but she held her breath in fear. Opening the door, she saw him.

“I,” he choked, breaking down into a sob. “I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry.”

“You did this to me,” Cadence acidly responded through gritted teeth.

“I know it. I’ll never do it again. I want you back. What do you say?”

Cadence exhaled.

Fallen Leaves - Chapter 45: Girl Almighty

Kerass stared at Lyra, the girl that pushed him away. She stood before him like nothing had happened over the past 6 months. He tried his best to not yell at her. “Why are you here?” he asked bitterly.

“I need to explain why I pushed you away and I just needed to know that you’re ok,” Lyra replied.

“I’m fine, better than fine actually. I’m great, no thanks to you.”

“I guess I deserve that,” she conceded. “Why aren’t you at Oak Stream over the holiday?”

“I don’t need to answer that. I’m seeing someone else, so if you’re trying to get me back you’re too late.”

“It’s not that,” Lyra shook her head. “This would’ve been so much easier had you been home over the break. You deserve an explanation. If I could go back and change the way I reacted I would, but I can’t and time’s running short.”

Kerass told her she wasn’t making any sense. “What are you saying exactly?”

“I’m dying.”



Cadence heard a knock at the door. He couldn’t possibly be home yet. The day would be much more difficult if that were true. Upon opening the door, she saw Gus standing before her.

“Oh my god…” Cadence whispered. “What are you doing here?”

“Am I allowed in?” Gus asked.

“No,” Cadence said closing the door, but Gus’s hand prevented it from being shut.

“We need to talk.”

Cadence asked him what there was to talk about. “I have a new man. There’s nothing left to say.”

“Yes there is. Did you read my note?”

Cadence bit her tongue. Hesitating, she said, “I have and it doesn’t change a thing.”

“I’m sorry to here that, but it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t change that I’ll be here for you. This guy is bad news.”

“How do you know?” Cadence challenged him.

“It’s simple really, you avoid talking about it. That’s proof enough.”

“I don’t need you to save me.”

“I know. You’re stronger than you think you are. You can do this, but if he threatens you I can help.”

“I want to leave, Gus, but I can’t. I love him.”

“I know that if I forced you to leave you’d go right back to him. You need to commit to stay away from him, not me. You’ve made your decision. The door is always open to talk, but from now on, you’re going to be the one instigating,” Gus said sternly, but with a gentleness to his voice. He left without saying goodbye.

Cadence walked into the bedroom. She pushed away the covers off the side of the bed. Lifting the mattress, she looked at the note that Gus had written to her. It remained unopened.



Kerass led Lyra around campus showing her the fountains, the volleyball field, the auditorium. She seemed intrigued by it all. They discussed everything except themselves. She seemed to light up whenever he showed her another part of the campus. Two words changed everything. The past forgiven and forgotten was nothing more than a distant memory. Neither said a word about why she was there, avoiding the subject altogether.

Lyra had brought a camera. Kerass rolled his eyes as she took a picture of every corner of campus. Eventually she handed the camera to him and told him he needed to take pictures of her on a college campus. She dressed the part: putting on a bathrobe with a backpack slung across one shoulder. It looked like she had been on campus all semester. She ran inside to his dorm to do a quick change in the bathroom. She put on a yellow dress, a white dress, a black dress, and a tie-dye campus t-shirt tucked into blue jeans. That was all before 11. They still had more outfits to take pictures with for the afternoon. Every picture had her beaming, but Kerass felt that she was hiding. He didn’t want to force the subject, but he felt they needed to. He determined he would talk to her about it over lunch.



Pax laid on his bed. It felt good to be home over break. Sure he missed his Droplet family, the friends he had made through the Christian campus organization, but it was great to take a break from them as well.

He pulled out his Bible opening up to the book of Jeremiah. Having started the book months ago, he had lost momentum with it due to schoolwork and it was just plain depressing, fascinating for sure, but depressing to read about a man striving so hard to hold onto his home, but knowing that God would not let the people stay. He tried to remember what chapter he was on. He kept rereading the same chapter and hated that he had done so because it all felt like such a waste of time as he wasn’t moving forward. There was no progress made on the book or his Bible reading at all. He flipped through the pages reading the section headings. No, it didn’t seem like things would get any better any time soon. Although he knew he should read it to spend time with God, he just felt it was too overwhelming to comprehend. Against his better judgment, he closed the book. Maddie, his girlfriend, wouldn’t be happy with him, but he knew she would understand as she had gone through something similar a few years ago.

His cell phone rang. Putting the Bible on his nightstand, he grabbed his phone out of his pocket and saw that Jaden was calling.

Picking up the phone he asked her how she was. “It’s been a long time, you know seeing as it’s only been what like 2 days since we’ve seen each other,” he added sarcastically.

“I’m fine, but there’s no point in being snippy. We’ve gotta keep in contact with each other, especially since we’re family. I mean Droplet is family.”

“Yeah, but I don’t need to be reminded of that every week.”

“I think you do,” Jaden replied gingerly.

“I guess I just don’t feel the same way. Like, for example, I’m not talking to Jeremy at all this week.”

“But you’re mentoring him…” Jaden trailed off.

“Exactly and he’s hella pissed, but that don’t change a thing.”

“Well he needs me, so I’ve talked to him.”

“Daily?”

“That’s none of your business,” she defensively stated.

“Be careful with him. You hurt him, I hurt you.”

“Oh come on Pax. We’ve worked through worse things before.”

“I know it, but I’m just not convinced you’re dating him for the right reasons.”

“Well, what are the reasons that you’re dating?”

“Because she loves God first. She loves me and I love her and she challenges me in my faith. You know full well about that,” he passionately responded.

“How so?”

“It’s Maddie, Jaden. I’m dating Maddie Smith.”

“My old mentor?”

“One and the same.” Pax waited a moment to hear a reply before he realized she had hung up on him. “Figures.”



Sitting down at the cafeteria, Kerass felt the inevitable had finally come. He took a few bites while they ate in silence. Clearing his throat, finally working up the courage he asked, “How long have you known?”

“July 3rd, the summer before senior year,” she replied.

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“What would you have done had you known?”

“I would’ve stayed with you, the way you did for me.”

“Yes, I believe that’s true, but that’s not what I wanted. I never wanted you to stop living for me.”

“Did it ever occur to you that there was a joy in living because of you?” He told her she had changed him. “You knew how to draw me out of my comfort zone, to push me. You knew exactly what I needed. Why didn’t you allow me to be there for you?”

“Because it gave me joy to see you enjoying life again.”

“I’ll never forget the time on the mountain.”

Lyra smiled bigger than he had ever seen her smile before. “Neither will I.”

“Are you sure it’s terminal?”

“No,” Lyra replied avoiding eye contact. “It’s unclear. I could live through this, but I just don’t know if I want to.”

“Why?”

“I’ve loved life, but I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself for not finishing on something that I started. That’s why I didn’t apply to school. I couldn’t begin college knowing I might die before I would graduate.”

“But if you were cured, you could go,” Kerass prompted.

“Yeah…” Lyra replied gazing out the windows.

“What is it? What are you fighting against?”

“I think it’s best if I don’t say. I don’t want you wasting time looking up the disease when you could just be present with me. I don’t want you to look back when you think of me and be sad because an illness took my life. I want you to think that in spite of it all I continued to relish life. I lived.”

“It sounds like you’ve given up already.”

“I’ve been sick a long time, Kerass. When I thought about the sickness, tried to fight against it, I pushed everyone away. I’m not going to do that anymore. I’ve accepted that I’m sick. I’m open to the idea of getting better, but I can’t fight it anymore. I’ve seen others get better during the office visits, but they all had their families and friends surrounding them. I messed up by not telling anybody about it. Since I’ve been sick this long the doctors say it’s highly unlikely that it’ll ever go into remission. They told me to make preparations. I am dying, Kerass. I’ve accepted that. I wanted to ask you to spend some time with me over winter break before I die.”

“I will. In fact, I’ll be seeing a lot of you.”

“Thank you,” she said caressing his face, leaning forward and kissing his cheek.

“You don’t understand. I’m going to defer next semester so I can move back to Oak Stream.”

“I didn’t ask you to do that.”

“I know. It’s already decided.”



Ripping the envelope open, Cadence began to read Gus’s letter, the letter that had haunted her since before high school graduation. She knew the timing had never been right to read it before and while she had pushed him away, the fact that he showed up at all solidified for her that she needed to read it. It read:

Cadence,

I don’t know what to say other than I love you. I’ve loved being romantically involved with you, but I’ve also loved being your friend. If we’re meant to be together romantically, I ask selfishly that you give me time and space. I don’t need a girlfriend right now. I need a friend.

I’ve never met anyone who’s more willing to listen and desires to know others more than you. You care for people so deeply. I can’t care for you romantically right now. The best way I can be there for you is as a friend. We started out friends and I think we can remain that way.

If you choose not to be friends, I’ll be sad, but I can move on. I know I’ve pushed you to do a lot of things this year, but to me it’s all been worth it to see who you truly are, a strong, passionate, loving person. I’ll always be there for you as a friend. Just say when.

Gus

Folding the letter back up, Cadence clasped the paper to her chest. Taking a deep breath, she processed through every word again, putting the letter to memory. She knew then what she must do.



Jay walked with Jeremy down Main Street. Even though they were on the same campus together, they barely spent time with each other. “This is nice,” Jay said bursting the silence. He added that he had missed Jeremy.

“I’ve missed you too, man. I’m sorry I’ve been distant lately. Droplet just takes up so much time. You know you could always come to a meeting.”

“Maybe next semester.”

“Dude, it’s not just been Droplet. I’m dating someone.”

“Really?” Jay replied hesitantly. He tried to come across nonchalantly, but had a fear his disappointment was coming through.

“Yeah, her name’s Jaden and she’s gorgeous.”

“What do you like about her?”

“She’s a part of Droplet for one, but we don’t really talk much, we just sort of make out all the time, not that I’m complaining or nothin’. She’s just a girl.”

“Girl almighty?”

“You could say that.”

“Hey, um, I’ve got a question,” Jay attempted to change the subject.

“Well don’t just keep it in, why don’t you share it?”

“You know who I am. I mean it’s no secret or anything. You know I’m gay. Would you still love me if I dated another man?”

“I thought we had gone through this already. You already know the answer. Yes, of course. We’ll always be friends. I don’t understand it, like at all, but you have nothing to worry about. I’ll love you anyway. No questions asked.”

Jay nodded. It was exactly what he needed to hear in that moment. He no longer doubted how much he was cared for.



“I don’t want this anymore,” Cadence told him. She had all of her things packed up at the front door. “I’m leaving you and don’t follow me.”

“You can’t leave!” he yelled out. He slapped her on the face. She gasped. He picked her up and shoved her through a pair of glass doors. Her head hit the edge of the kitchen counter on the fall down. Blood started leaking, spreading across the wooden floor. Regret instantly kicked in. Rushing to her side, he checked her pulse. She wasn’t breathing. He couldn’t find a heartbeat.



The day had been so delightful that Kerass didn’t want it to end. Aside from the conversation during lunch, he was able to get lost in the façade they were hiding behind. He believed he helped Lyra forget about it too. Jez was his girlfriend and he loved her, but Lyra had such a special place in his life. It just wasn’t the same between them. There was more of a history with Lyra. He didn’t know what he would do without her. Kerass opened his mouth to ask her if she had enjoyed her day, but the question never slipped out. Lyra passed out. Instantly Kerass caught her before she collapsed on the concrete.



The man watched as the ambulance came taking Cadence away from him. Only in that moment had he realized the gravity of what he’d done. Placing the paddles on her body, they attempted to resuscitate her.



Kerass was unaware that he had begun yelling and screaming.

“Lyra? Lyra, wake up! Lyra! HELP!”