Fallen Leaves - Chapter 76: No Control

Seasons pass. As quickly as you get used to living in winter it turns to spring. People live and people die. Nothing lasts forever. You really have no control over anything. Walking through the pathways, seeing the sunlight brighten the vibrant green leaves all around him, Kerass dwelled on how little power, how little control he had over his life, his destiny, if you will.

While he strongly believed nothing is eternal, he questioned whether the religion he was basing his life on had validity in the long run. It was taught that God was eternal. Souls lasted forever. According to the teachings, you either lived eternally at peace with God or experienced eternal damnation.

Things in college were rapidly coming to a close. It was going to be the end of a major chapter in his life. He would no longer be in school, would no longer be a student. While there was a celebratory nature about it, he couldn’t help but mourn over the end of school. It was true, he had to grow up quickly when his mother got in the accident. His life was forever changed when the plug was pulled, but he had reconciled with his father. When Damien was in the coma after he shot himself, that only solidified that nothing lasts forever, not even the coma. For now Damien was conscious, awake. He had been for a week now. Kerass had praised God for brining Damien back to them alive and finally able to breathe on his own again, but there was a question lingering in the back of his mind, one that refused to let him go, one that doubted in the goodness of God.

While God did an extraordinary, amazing thing by allowing Damien to live, he couldn’t help but wonder if Damien would spend eternity in heaven or in hell. He fully believed that God dictated whether people lived or died. God had completely written the story of people’s lives. There were no surprises to God. Some people believed and even taught that God loved everybody, but Kerass wasn’t convinced that was true. The Bible had some very harsh words for homosexuals. There were also some pro-slavery passages within the text. It was all very confusing. The Bible proclaimed for a man to lay with another man as being an abomination. Some people proclaimed that was then and that we should interpret the Bible differently now, but that seemed like a huge slippery slope. The moment you question one part of the text, how could you not question the entirety of it? What if Jesus wasn’t truly God? What if he was only a man? An extraordinary teacher, no doubt, but was that something worthy of basing your entire life over?

Damien, a man with numerous flaws, had been the only one who truly helped him when he was in the abusive relationship with Jez. The only one to challenge him and question him was Damien. Had it not been for Damien’s bluntness, he may never have ended things with Jez. He may never have been there for Lyra at the end of her story, her journey.

He couldn’t deny that he had experienced God. There were some amazing moments where he felt God spoke to him directly, yet certain aspects of his word gave him pause. Could someone like Damien, as wonderful and broken as he is, truly receive eternal damnation simply for being gay? That message didn’t seem to jive with everything Jesus taught about embracing the other in love, welcoming all into the family. Nothing about eternal damnation made any sense to him.

Kathleen, who he had continued to do prayer walks with weekly, was far from gentle. She even outright condemned homosexual activity to gay couples’ faces. They met up much more frequently before that happened. Kerass had called her out, but she stood firm that she was correct and that she didn’t need to apologize to them for they were the ones in the wrong, the ones openly embracing a lifestyle of sin and defiance to God. Kerass just didn’t believe that to be true. Nothing about homosexuality was black and white. There was no evidence that it was genetic, but there wasn’t evidence that it wasn’t either. There was no proof that it was purely environmental, but there wasn’t proof that it wasn’t either. People were just people. Men and women alike were a reflection of the face of God. God himself was beauty, diversity, and inclusion all at once. People were supposed to be told of the wonders of God and how much he cared for them, not about how broken they were, not that he believed being gay was brokenness. It may not be as God initially created, but who was to say that God was not creative enough to add new ways of expression love and devotion to each other?

The more he thought about it, the more it became clear that God was real. He was alive. He was worthy of all praise. Kerass couldn’t get behind people’s thoughts of judgement, arrogance, and condemnation. His thoughts on the subject of homosexuality had changed dramatically over the years. When Jay kissed him during their freshmen year of high school, it came as a total shock. Jay even admitted to him later on that it was inappropriate to just spring a kiss on him. Instead of viewing it as something that was just disgusting and beneath him, he now thought it was nothing more than just a difference in preference. It wasn’t something worthy of the scorn and ridicule people received for simply expressing their love in a unique albeit different way. Truly what was the difference between homosexual and heterosexual people? They just seemed like humans, people in need of love, in need of knowing how much God cared for them, in knowing how much God sacrificed for them. Kerass was fully convinced that Jesus would’ve been friends with homosexuals. He even thought Jesus would attend a gay wedding.

Kerass pulled out his cell phone, texting Damien, Jay, and Gus the same thing: You are worthy. You are loved and adored by God. Rest in that. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Jay replied back immediately telling him thank you. Gus was quick to follow telling him how much he valued his friendship and acceptance. He went on to apologize that they hadn’t talked recently. Finally Damien responded saying he was crying as the words were so beautiful to him. He went into a soliloquy about the history of their tumultuous friendship. The next four words astounded him: You’re my best friend.



Jay sat across from Gus as the final week of classes came to a close. They raised their fast food drinks and mimicked clinking glasses together. Smiles and laughter instantly followed.

“Congratulations, Gus,” Jay began. He continued telling him he had worked very hard to get to this point and all of that hard work had finally paid off. “You’ve just completed your final class of your undergraduate ever. Do you feel a sense of accomplishment?”

“Well, when you put it that way, I guess the answer is yes,” Gus said, “but it’s far from over. I still have five finals and a capstone paper to complete before I can officially be declared an alumnus.”

“You and your big words. No wonder you became an English major.”

“It’s been my life’s passion since before I could remember to share the joy of storytelling with others. That only solidified in high school English classes. Perhaps one of these days, I’ll become a teacher myself.”

“I’ll never understand why you didn’t become an education major in the first place.”

“Isn’t it obvious?”

Jay shook his head.

“It’s quite simple, really, if you think about it. It’s simply that I enjoy reading and talking about stories. I’m not convinced I’d be able to get others to care about stories themselves.”

“I’m gonna call bs on that.”

“Here we go again,” Gus mumbled to himself.

“I’m your boyfriend. It’s my job to encourage you and build you up, give you pep talks and all that jazz.”

“Go ahead.”

“Well, it just seems that you’ve lost some of your edge. You were very daring and seemed so sure of yourself in high school. I was always quite jealous of you because you seemed to know what you wanted without a doubt crossing your mind.”

“You never told me that before.”

“Well, there’s a first time for everything.”

“I didn’t know that you knew who I was in high school. I always spent more time with Cadence and Kerass than I ever did with you.”

“Yeah, well, I can’t deny that even when I was with Damien in high school, I thought about you and how attracted I was to you. You just seemed so far off like I would never get a chance with you. I had no inclination that you were gay at the time.”

“I wouldn’t exactly put that label on me,” Gus sheepishly replied.

“Why? What’s wrong with it?”

“Nothing, I guess. I just wouldn’t call myself gay. I’d call myself open.”

“Whatever. I just think that somewhere along the lines you’ve lost your self-confidence and I’d love to help you get it back.”

“I don’t know if that’s possible.”

Jay exhaled. This had meant to be a celebration. He knew that they weren’t endgame. Maybe they never had been. He was going to wait until after they’d graduated before he broke it off with him. Knowing that Damien was awake now, he couldn’t deny that he had unresolved feelings for him. They had proposed to each other once, but looking at Gus now, seeing the pain in his eyes, he didn’t know if that was possible. He couldn’t think of leaving him, not right now. He leaned his hand out to caress Gus’s cheek, but Gus pushed his hand away.

“This is so hard, Jay.”

“Don’t say it.”

“I don’t want to be in a gay relationship anymore. I’m breaking up with you.”

“What?”



Cadence knew internally that her friends were about to graduate from college. She should be proud of them, but deep inside she felt bitterness and jealousy as her life had turned out completely different. She hadn’t received any visits outside of her mother for seven months now. She wanted to be the type of person who wasn’t bothered by something so small, so trivial, but an expectation had been set and she was crushed, devastated when it was broken. But all of that was about to change as she was led once again for an unprompted visit. It wasn’t her mother, for she was always made aware of when she’d come.

When she sat down across from her latest visitor, she instantly picked up the phone.

“Hello, Damien.”

Fallen Leaves - Chapter 75: What Makes You Beautiful

Jay exhaled as he walked down the hospital hallway for the final time. Damien’s parents were going to make their ultimate decision on whether to keep him alive or to end his life. It was no longer in his control. Truth be told, it never had been. This was going to be goodbye whether to the end of his life or simply for now as he had to stop running away from his responsibilities and get back to school. He had done all he could to be there, but truly he didn’t know how much help he’d been.

Damien would pay for his actions, whether that was to his death or simply to the end of how long this coma would last. No one really knew that much about comas anyway. The science, from what he had read, was very inconclusive and confusing.

Gus had already said his goodbyes and headed back to school. Jay had emailed his professors and explained the situation. Amazingly they were quite accommodating. He read the readings and turned in papers explaining what he had learned. This was considered class credit. Attendance wasn’t mandatory in the senior classes anyways.

The closer he came to graduation, the more confident he felt he would succeed in life after college. Being a teacher hadn’t really ever been his dream, but quickly he realized how much he enjoyed his summers off and wanted that to continue. Plus, he liked school and he didn’t want that to end.

Jay sat beside Damien watching over him as the machine breathed for him. He held Damien’s hand.

“It’s you, Damien. I choose you.”

“You know how I feel about waiting for marriage.”

Jay nodded. “I thought what I wanted was just to rush into it, not build it up so much, just got it over with. No, see I don’t want that anymore. I want to be with someone I believe I could live my whole life with. I’m lucky enough to have met him in high school.”

“I thought you were over me last year at prom.”

“It was a rough year for all of us, but through the dark I was able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Guess who was standing there waiting for me.”

Damien rolled his eyes. Jay knew it was cliché, stupid, but undeniably sweet, he hoped. Damien gazed into his eyes, he placed his hand on Jay’s face, caressing it. Damien wiped the stray tear that fell down his face. This felt safe. It felt like home all over again.

“Are you sure you’re willing to wait for me?” Damien asked.

“I’ve never been more certain of anything else in my entire life. What do you say?”

It didn’t last a moment before Damien eplied, “Yes.”

Boy how things had changed in just a short amount of time. Their proposal of love didn’t last very long and quickly floundered, the same way it had when they were in high school. It didn’t mean it hadn’t been real, or truthful though…

Leaning in, Jay kissed Damien’s forehead. “I still choose you,” he whispered. “As long as you continue breathing. Forever.”



Jeremy held Julia’s hand walking down the nature trail together. Jeremy had come down for the weekend to visit her. She had asked if he would join her in visiting with Damien, but he thought it would be better to be just the two of them.

“How was he?” Jeremy asked.

“Breathing,” she replied. “Still breathing,” she added more to herself.

Jeremy observed how sad the situation was. “He had his whole life ahead of him. Why would he do something like that?”

“He never really had support from his parents for being gay.”

“You’re saying he attempted suicide because he’s gay?” Jeremy asked incredulously.

“Some people do, it’s not that uncommon of an occurrence. It’s just, I think he distanced himself from his parents and vice versa when he came out and refused to back down. When he didn’t have the community through his relationship and had disavowed his friendships, he sort of wrapped up his whole identity in the relationship. When that ended, there was no hope left for him.”

“You seem to know quite a lot considering you don’t talk to the man.”

“He’s not currently talking to anybody, thank you,” she chastised him. “He and I were really close for a summer, so I got to see how his mind works.”

“Sure,” Jeremy replied, nodding his head.

“No need to jest.”

“Who’s joshing you? Me?”

“Kiss me, you fool.”

“Now that I can get on board with,” he said before he locked lips with her.

They were able to argue with each other, but still respect one another, which to him was a huge feat in today’s world. His cell phone went off blaring the Power Rangers theme song. It always made him jump as it was so loud when it started.

“I love how nerdy you are,” Julia replied.

“I’ll take that as a compliment,” he responded. When he looked at who was calling him, his mouth dropped. Pax was calling him. He hadn’t heard from Pax in well over two years.

“Aren’t you going to answer it?”

“What?” he asked startled. “Yeah, yes, of course.” He quickly answered the call. “Hello?”

“Hey, uh, is this Jeremy?”

“Yeah. Pax?”

“You got it, buddy.”

Jeremy exhaled. “It’s been a long time. I’m sorry I haven’t kept up at all. Things have been crazy.”

“Oh, that’s, uh, not a problem and that’s not why I called you, not really.”

“Ok…” he paused. “What’s going on?”

“See, uh, I’m getting married actually. There’s this wonderful woman called Maddie and I truly believe that God paired us together.”

“That’s great!” he replied sincerely.

“I was just going to text you, but I thought why not just give you a call and request your address so I can send you an invitation.”

“I’m speechless, flattered, truly. You actually want me to come to your wedding?”

“Of course I do! I poured into you for a whole year and I’d love for you to celebrate the start of my marriage with me.”

“I’ll text you my address.”

“Why don’t you just tell me now?”

“Sure,” he smiled. “It’s 5610 Dawes Ave.”

“Expect an invitation within the next two weeks.”

They bid their farewells. Jeremy cried tears of joy. He couldn’t believe he was invited to his first wedding.

“You are so kind, Jeremy,” Julia said.

“Thanks, darling.” He turned his head sideways and kissed her. “I gotta jet.”

“Bye, baby,” she whispered.

Pax. That name hadn’t come to mind in a long time. Perhaps this could be the start of a brand new chapter in their friendship.



Cadence laid back on her cell cot. Staring at the ceiling she tried to think of anything positive in her life. She couldn’t think of anything. Having been visited by her past, she continued to dream about what could have been, what should have been. Closing her eyes, she tried to quiet her mind and fall quickly asleep.

Within minutes she saw herself walking down the halls of Oak Stream High. She instantly realized how old she was compared to the children walking all around her. They stared and gawked at her. Stifled laughter followed her no matter where she went. No matter which hallway she walked down, she couldn’t find home room.

The hallways all morphed into one. The door out grew smaller and smaller until finally you couldn’t even see it anymore. Then a bright light overcame the hallway until the only thing you could see was the light. All of a sudden, she was no longer in the hallway, she was in the stream where she’d been with Gus. Oak Stream was home, yet she had to leave high school behind. She made a promise to herself when she shook herself awake that no matter what she would make it to that stream at least one more time before she took her final breath and she never broke her promises.



Kerass sat in the back row of his father’s church. He had been welcomed back without question over the course of the summer, but it was still a little bit awkward every time he visited. He didn’t go to church every Sunday and he didn’t see that as a problem, regardless of what other people told him. He felt close to God and to him that was all that mattered.

The rumor had already spread, according to his father, about what they were there for. This emergency member meeting was a big deal. The last time they had a meeting like this, his mother was still alive, before the coma. The music ministry leader, who had been his father’s best friend since childhood was caught in an adulterous relationship with a woman on the same team for two years. It had occurred so long ago that his father had welcomed him back into friendship, fellowship, but the rest of the congregation didn’t feel the same way.

His father stepped up to the podium. Clearing his throat, he began to speak, “I have a confession to make before you, dear church.” He paused asking if they could pray together. After he finished his prayer, he dabbed his eyes with a handkerchief, wiping small tears out of his eyes.

Kerass held his breath.

“I have lied to you. It was not a technical error that killed my wife. It was my decision to pull the plug. I wanted my wonderful, Spirit-filled, son to have a chance at a college education. But what ended up happening, was it created a distance between us that praise the Lord has ended. As many of you know, Damien, the son of beloved members is in a coma. I was asked whether they should pull the plug on him. I begged and implored them to not make the same mistake I had made. I couldn’t continue preaching here without speaking the truth. I cannot say that I believe I made the wrong decision as I firmly believe she is worshipping and celebrating with our Savior now, but to lie to you about it is truly disgraceful. For that I have asked my fellow elders to evaluate me as a church leader. They have decided to put me on a trial period. I will step away from the pulpit for a year, depending on how you vote. If you want me to step down, I shall without question. If you want me to stay, so I can grow alongside you that is fine too. Whatever decision you make. I have complete and utter peace with our Father about it. It has been a gift and an honor to lead you for these years. Thank you.”

The rest of the meeting was a blur. It wasn’t a unanimous vote, but they did elect to have him stay. He would no longer be lead pastor, but a reserve. Kerass waited at the back of the line as everyone gave their two cents to his father.

An hour came and went as he made his way to the front of the line.

“I’m proud of you,” Kerass said.

“I’m even prouder of you. I never would’ve done this had you not encouraged me to.”

“It wasn’t me, but the Holy Spirit who prompted you to do that. See, you’re finally open and fully honest. That’s what makes you beautiful, your honesty and vulnerability and I believe firmly that it’ll only make the church grow closer together.”

They embraced, clutching each other so tight, refusing to let go. He would never forget this moment.



7 months later…



Damien opened his eyes.

Fallen Leaves - Chapter 74: One Way or Another

Cadence walked down the hallway. For the second time in less than a month, she had a visitor who wasn’t her mother. She had felt so distant from the reality outside of the prison walls that she wasn’t quite sure who she was without her old friends from high school. They had moved on, continued to grow, yet she remained stagnant, still as a mill pond without a breath of wind. This had to change. It must. No matter what happened, no matter how long she stayed here for her punishment, she made a commitment to herself that she would live, that she would survive long enough to walk out. One way or another she would achieve this, but the how and when were undetermined.

She exhaled as she sat across from Kerass who greeted her with a smile. It was difficult to smile back, but she forced herself to do it.

“It’s been a long time,” he commented. He continued to ask her how she was.

“How does it look?” she asked with a grimace on her face.

“Ok, I guess that’s a plausible response. Gus told me you seemed much more upbeat when he visited you. I just thought that maybe I could swing by while I wait to try and cheer you up.”

“You still haven’t heard the word yet on Damien?”

“No, but I honestly don’t want to talk about him,” he paused. “I want to talk about you.”

“What is there to say?” she challenged him. “I’m in jail for a crime that I committed. I turned myself in. I hid and buried the body. My life stopped. You all continue to grow and I’m just left here without the sun or water to help me flourish. I’m like a withered plant that refuses to die.”

“Well, that’s one way to look at it.”

“Don’t tell me you think I have potential…” she said rolling her eyes. “I’ve heard it all before, but where’s the harm in admitting that I’m leaps and bounds behind you guys from a developmental standpoint? I’m broken and sometimes I believe that I can’t be patched up again, made whole again. I haven’t been whole my entire life, my very existence has been plagued by mistakes, and horrible violations of my body. My soul is yearning for understanding, for someone to reach down and say ‘I get it,’ but nobody does. I am worthless,” she exhaled as she let her eyes well up.

“No,” Kerass shook his head. “You’re not. I know that. Gus knows that. But you are right about something, you are broken, but all of us are. There is one person, one name that can help, but I fear you don’t want to hear about it.”

“Why would you think that?”

“You had no interest in it when we were dating in high school.”

“Well, that was a long time ago.”

“And yet, you say that you’re stagnant and that you haven’t grown.”

Was it even possible? Had she truly grown since then? She was different. She knew she had been humbled immensely, but she couldn’t pinpoint why. Her life before and after high school felt like one of those outrageous Greek tragedies that only English majors read and never for pleasure. Sometimes it didn’t seem real, all the things that had already happened to her in the short span of time that was her life.

“I haven’t grown as much as you all have,” she whispered more to herself than to him.

“Why is it a competition? Does it matter who grows more? I don’t think it does. All that matters is you,” at this he pointed at her heart, “have grown. What a beautiful thing it is to witness that you recognize your faults and have deep sorrow for them. Just don’t let them tear you down. That’s not what we’re supposed to do with that.”

“Which name?” she asked him.

“Jesus,” he replied.

At the very utterance of the name, she felt goosebumps all over her body. She couldn’t explain why this was, but she couldn’t deny it anymore either. There was a power to that name, a power over her that no other name had before.

“Did you really just come to visit me just to talk about Jesus?” she asked trying her hardest not to think on it.

“No, that wasn’t the only reason. Sure it was part of it, but I really just wanted to see how you were doing. I’m glad you shared with me so freely.”

“I always could,” she said.

“Aren’t you glad we’re out of high school with all that petty bullshit behind us?”

“No, I’m not,” she locked eyes with him. “Because I know what comes after.”

“Hey,” he said softly. “The ending’s not written yet. Don’t lose hope just yet. I haven’t lost hope for Damien.”

“Maybe you should,” she said in spite of herself. “Why don’t you give up on people even when they manipulate you the way that Damien manipulated all of you?

“I don’t know, really,” he paused. “Maybe, uh, maybe it’s just because I don’t want to live in a world where my God gives up on me despite how many times I rebel against him. Maybe I want to give his peace, his joy, his light to others. He’s given me joy beyond recognition and I just want everyone to experience that level of intimacy.”

“You don’t think you can get that through sex?” she challenged.

“That’s just a different king of intimacy. This is one where you’re fully known, fully loved and cherished. Only he can make us whole again. I have a sense that you know that already.”

“Let’s just say I’ve read that story before.”

“Well, good then. Read it again and again and again. Read it until you’ve memorized it and yet still you won’t stop learning from it.”

“You do take after your father, that’s for sure.”

“I’ll try and take that as a compliment, as difficult as that is to do. I just don’t want you to give up on your life just yet, not before you’ve even lived it. I think you’re closer to freedom than you think.”

“You heard rumors from the courts?”

“No, this type of freedom doesn’t come from man. Think on it?”

Cadence shook her head. She really didn’t want to give in or surrender. Not yet.



Jay walked around the hospital grounds. The scenery was breathtaking. Kerass had asked Jay if he’d mind spending time with Kathleen while he went to visit with Cadence. Jay didn’t really mind, but it was sort of awkward. He didn’t know Kathleen at all and she was so much more religious than he ever was or ever wanted to be for that matter. Kerass had warned him that she was really intense, but that excited Jay more than scared him. Jay was drawn to passionate people. It didn’t matter if they were passionate about equal rights for the LGBTQIA community, for theater, or for Jesus. As long as they were passionate, he felt he could get along with anybody.

“You seem tense, Jay,” Kathleen observed.

“You really didn’t need to say that out loud,” he said shaking his head. He asked her why she would be so blunt about it.

“Blunt, what an interesting word choice.”

“Kerass was right,” he observed. “You are intense.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

“It’s neither here nor there. It just is.”

“Well, what were you expecting of me?” she asked him.

“I was prepared that you’d be very passionate about Jesus. That I knew before he dropped you off here with me, but I didn’t anticipate you being able to read me so well.”

“It’s not me who reads you, but the Spirit of God, the Holy Spirit that dwells inside me who reads you.”

“I guess that’s possible.”

“It’s not only possible. It’s probable. I’m not that sharp, but He is sharp within me. He’s all I need.”

“I just don’t see the need for any one god. I need people, not entities.”

“You are right, we do need people. They are creations, reflections of the living, breathing God. He is not dead, make no mistake. He is very much alive.”

“According to you,” he said. “Muslims, Jews, and many other religions would disagree with you.”

“God doesn’t,” she boldly replied.

Jay thought that was incredibly arrogant. How could she claim so confidently that God agreed with her viewpoint and not all the others? Would not all the other passionate people in other religions feel the exact same way? He watched as a dove descended on a tree branch only a few inches away from his face. He hoped it wouldn’t poop on his shoes. All the same, he couldn’t stop himself from looking at the serene beauty of this small winged creature. How it got so close to him and wasn’t scared was beyond him.

Kathleen stepped up. He held his hand out for fear that she would spook it away. Yet, she took his hand off her and continued to step forward to the tree. Leaning on her tiptoes, she reached out and pet the tiny body of the dove. It chirped its appreciation. Kathleen beamed and just like that the dove took flight again.

“I believe the Holy Spirit has visited us in the form of this dove. You know the story?”

“I do,” Jay nodded. It was one of the few Biblical stories he did know. “The Holy Spirit descended as a dove on Jesus right after he was baptized.”

“Do you think he was attempting to say anything to you?”

“No, because I don’t think it was the Holy Spirit. I just think it was a dove, a beautiful dove at that, but all doves are beautiful.”

“You have much to learn,” she said not straying from her gaze. She looked into him like she could see his very soul.

“Please stop looking at me like that,” he asked.

“Why?” she asked raising one eyebrow at him.

“It makes me uncomfortable.”



Kerass stepped into his father’s house after having dropped Kathleen off at a church member’s house. She didn’t feel comfortable sleeping in the same house as Kerass. It made her ‘nervous’. He wasn’t sure whether to take that as a compliment or not.

His father walked in from the kitchen handing Kerass an apple.

“No thanks, Dad,” Kerass mumbled.

“More for me then,” he replied taking a bite. He continued to describe the apple as scrumptious.

“Have you talked to Damien’s parents yet?”

His father swallowed and set the apple down on the table. “I meet with them tomorrow morning and then in the evening, I have a member’s meeting to explain what I’ve done.”

“I’ll go with you.”

“You don’t have to,” his father sighed. “I know that decision made you hate me for years.”

“Not anymore. I don’t hate you. I may even be proud of you.”

“You’ll come to support me?”

Kerass nodded.

Fallen Leaves - Chapter 73: Still the One

Cadence closed her eyes letting them see what her cell refused to show her. It was breathtaking seeing color again. Yet unlike all the times before, it didn’t soothe her. She couldn’t stop thinking about her visit with Gus. It was a glimpse into a life she hadn’t been a part of for years.

This was a life that she longed to be a part of again. She wanted out of this purgatory, this punishment for her actions, but here she stayed in a changeless, hopeless environment.

If only she wasn’t here. She may have been able to talk with Damien throughout the years. There was no guarantee he wouldn’t have become depressed anyway, but maybe he’d have someone to talk with. There was a time when he trusted and loved her.

She shook her head. She was being foolish. Damien didn’t care that much about her. Their friendship had gone sour, or distant when he focused more on his relationship with Jay. Damien had changed after he accepted himself. It was strange to think on it, but he hadn’t exactly become a better person after he’d come out. He had deeply hurt someone that she loved.

Gus was now with Jay and she couldn’t believe it. Gus had never come across to her as someone who might have any gay attraction, but in the complete opposite way it made total sense. Unlike with Jay or Damien, Gus seemed perfectly comfortable with his emotions. He didn’t fight what was happening no matter who he was attracted to. If Gus developed feelings for a man, he wouldn’t be one to question it or make a big deal about it. He’d just accept it. He wasn’t one to declare to the world that he was gay, he just wanted to love the one he felt connected to. Was that so bad? Was it so wrong to refuse a label on who you were sexually, romantically, and emotionally attracted to? She refused to believe it could be wrong.

She liked to think that if she developed feelings for a woman, she’d accept it as the person she was attracted kinetically to, but in reality, she knew she’d shout it from the mountaintop. Not that she had the opportunity to do so now. The only person, or entity, she felt close to in the jail cell was someone she’d never met before and she questioned whether this person survived.

Jesus. The name carried a ton of weight. It seemed like everyone had an opinion on this man. There seemed to be two camps: one where people tried to prove he wasn’t God and never said the things he was recorded as saying in the Bible, and those who would die professing him to be God. Why couldn’t there be a third party? One where people were fearful if the power he was written to have was true, but also comforted by his words of wisdom. She wanted to live her life, if she ever got out of these walls, based on the words of Jesus, but she questioned whether many Christians actually read those words, let alone practiced them.

She needed peace in her life once again. So, she cleared her thoughts as best she could. No more worries about the life that could be or could have been, she needed to live in the present. Quickly she wandered into a dreamless sleep.



Kerass yawned as he drove down the highway.

“You’d better stay awake,” Kathleen scolded.

Kerass rolled his eyes. Just because he yawned while he drove didn’t mean that he was about to crash. He told her he was fine. “I can see everything on the road.”

“Well, you don’t have to be cocky about it.”

“What was the point of this anyway? You brought it up.”

“I know,” Kathleen paused, “but I just get nervous with long road trips.”

“Well, rest assured. We’re fine.”

Kerass turned on the radio. A top 40s channel came on. He let it stay there while the song of the summer blared.

“I hate that song,” Kathleen said as she turned the radio off.

“What is your problem?”

“Pardon me?” she asked incredulously.

“Don’t you know the rules of the road? The driver always gets to choose the music.”

“I don’t care about the rules of the road. I don’t feel comfortable with top 40. It’s full of sex without consequence, selfish pursuit, not caring about anything. It’s disgusting and it makes me feel nauseous. It takes my mind to places that I don’t like. If you want to listen to music so badly, why not put it on Christian radio?”

“I like a song or two, but I prefer the old hymns. They just seem classier and have more substance to them. Plus, I find the anchors to be fake as hell.”

“I think they’re trying to be encouraging,” she added in a singsong voice.

“I think they lie to people about how happy they are all the time. I think they avoid talking about anything with substance.”

“You’re being harsher than you normally are.”

“No, I’m just sharing my opinion.”

“No, it’s something more than just that,” she observed. “You’re scared. It registers all over your face.”

Kerass paused. While he had been truthful, it was also true that he was scared to death. He didn’t like thinking about this too hard while he was driving. It was too distracting.

“I guess you hit the nail on the head,” he conceded. “I am scared.”

“There’s nothing to be ashamed of. If you’re scared you know you’re alive. You know you’re breathing.”

“I don’t want to talk about it!” he raised his voice at her. “It distracts me from the road.”

“There’s a rest stop just up ahead. Pull in and I’ll take over driving. It’s not healthy to run away from your feelings.”

“I’m not.”

“Just do it,” she commanded.

They remained silent while he drove into the rest stop, putting the car into park.

“Now what’s really bothering you?”

“It’s too personal. It would open up the floodgates and I’m not convinced I’d be able to stop crying.”

“There’s no shame in tears, Kerass,” she gently replied. “However, if you don’t want to share, that’s ok too. I just don’t want you driving while you’re distracted.”

“Thanks,” he mumbled while he stepped out of the car. They quickly changed seats. In no time at all they were on the road again.

She turned the radio on to the Christian station.

“I told you I hate the anchors,” he stated.

“You also told me that the driver gets to choose the music, remember?” she responded raising her eyebrows at him.

He closed his eyes almost instantly getting to a deep sleep. He tried his hardest to not have her show up again, but it was too late. He was dreaming of his mother.



Jay sat in the hospital cafeteria. Sitting across from him was Gus. He continued to eat his nachos while they sat in silence together.

Wiping his face clean with his napkin, he said, “I’m sorry.” He continued saying he knew this must be super awkward for him.

“Not necessarily. Missing school to be with you is fun, a dream come true even. But just being here around him, a man who at a time meant something but ultimately harmed me. It’s just a lot, ok? I don’t like being here.”

“You’re uncle and everything?”

“That’s only part of it,” Gus exhaled running his hand through his hair. “Damien and I started to connect after he saw me visiting my uncle in the hospital and now Damien is in a similar situation. I just don’t like hospitals and I never will.”

“I’m sorry,” Jay sighed. “I’m just so sorry. I’m sorry I asked you to come here to be with me.”

“I’m not sorry. Funnily enough, I questioned whether you still cared for me, wanted me.”

“Whatever made you think otherwise?”

“I don’t want to sound too cruel, but…” he paused.

“Go ahead and say it,” Jay encouraged him.

“It scared me, what Damien did. I wasn’t sure if you’d still choose me after that. It was just too heavy of a thought to bear, being alone.”

“You’ll never be alone when you’re with me, trust me, Gus. I’m so glad you told me you were feeling those doubts. Yes, I’m upset over Damien. Partially I feel responsible.”

“You shouldn’t. I’m responsible.”

“No, dear Gus. The truth is Damien is responsible for what he did, but I don’t want to see him punished with the loss of his life. I don’t want to watch them pull the plug on him.”

“I know. I’m sorry I’ve been so selfish.”

“Don’t even worry or fret. I understand how you feel. I’ve lost a boyfriend before, remember? Just rest assured that you mean everything to me. This stuff with Damien will pass eventually. I just hope it ends with my preferred outcome in mind. You’re still the one, my one and only.”

Gus smiled. “You’re my one and only, too.”



Kerass jolted awake. The dream had been wonderful, but it quickly vanished from his mind. Within seconds he could no longer think about what had even happened in the dream.

“Glad to see you’ve joined the land of the awake again,” Kathleen said.

“Yep, sure,” he added. As he wiped the sleep out of his eyes, it dawned on him. The only person who could convince Damien’s parents not to go through with it, would be someone who had gone through with it themselves. He needed to call his father right away.

He quickly pulled out his phone and called his father. Unfortunately, it went straight to voicemail.

“Dad, uh, hi. Um, please just call me as soon as you get this message,” he said while he hung up.

“What was that about?”

“You’ll see.”

An hour passed. Within that time he was able to forget about his troubles. He even laughed with Kathleen. The trip still moved so slowly, but at least he wasn’t overwhelmed.

It was then that his father called him back. Kerass picked up on the first ring.

“Son, are you all right? Are you safe?” his father asked.

“Yes, I am.”

“Good,” his father exhaled. “What’s going on?”

“You’ve heard about Damien, right?”

“Oh, yeah, I heard about that. His parents have asked for prayer on that.”

“You know his parents?”

“Of course I do. They started attending my church about a year and a half ago.”

Kerass sighed. “Oh, Dad, this is so hard.”

“Just say it, Kerass.”

“They’re thinking of pulling the plug on him.”

“I’ve heard about that, too.”

Kerass paused. How could his father not have intervened when he knew they were looking to end his life! He closed his eyes trying to quiet his frustrations and concentrate on the task at hand.

“I want you to convince them not to do it.”

“I don’t think that’s any of my business.”

“Bullshit, Dad. You’re their pastor. They’re your sheep. Shepherd them. Lead them.”

“What is it exactly that you’re asking me to do?”

“I want you to admit that you pulled the plug on Mom and I want you to be honest about how it impacted me and our relationship.”

“If I admitted that, it would ruin my career.”

“I want you to do it. For me.”

Fallen Leaves - Chapter 72: Magic

Staring at him while the time passed them by did nothing to calm her nerves. Neither of them spoke a word to each other. She hadn’t even told him hello in reply.

“Are we just going to look at each other this whole time?” Gus asked bluntly.

“No,” she finally let out. She told him she was sorry, but words had been difficult to form in her mind. “I just, well, I can’t believe you’re here.”

“I know,” Gus nodded. “I just couldn’t leave Oak Stream for the end of my college career without seeing you again.”

“You guys are seniors now?” she asked.

“Yep,” Gus raised his eyebrows. “Hard to believe, isn’t it?”

“I’ve lost track of time. It’s been the longest two years of my life and the quickest all at once. Anyway, enough about me, tell me about you and the others.”

“Well…” Gus exhaled. “There’s a lot to fill you in on.”

“Why don’t you just begin with you?” she challenged him.

“This is hard to say, Cadence.”

“Harder than to admit you murdered someone?” she raised one eyebrow at him.

“No,” he sighed. “I guess you’ve got more courage than me on that. It’s strange to tell you since we used to, well you know, date each other.”

“You’re seeing someone? Who’s the lucky lady?”

“Actually, it’s a great guy. You know him, too.”

“Let me guess…” she continued with disdain, “Damien?”

“Not currently, but we did date for a while.”

“Did you?”

“Yes,” Gus nodded. “I slept with him.”

“So, what you’re gay?”

Gus paused and inhaled. “I don’t like being tied down by that. I believe in connection, not labels.”

“So who else?”

“It’s Jay.”

“Oh, really?” she raised her eyebrows.

“Yeah, he’s sweet and kind. He’s been really gentle and patient with me and we haven’t yet. He’s much more willing to take it slow, unlike Damien who to be perfectly straightforward just sort of manipulated me into the whole thing. Jay doesn’t play that way. He’s honest and pure.”

“That’s just not the way I remember him.”

“Yeah, well, people change. You sure did.”

“I did, huh?”

“Of course,” Gus said. “You stood up for yourself in an abusive relationship. My relationship with Damien wasn’t to the same extent, but I know how much guts it requires to speak up for yourself and say enough is enough. I’m through. You’re much bolder, albeit braver, than you were in high school and I think that’s completely commendable.”

Cadence paused for a moment. She thought about what he said about her shooting him being an act of boldness or bravery, but she didn’t view it that way. She found it to be completely cowardice. They had ended well before she shot him. That bullet was out of revenge, not self-defense and she knew that. For that she could never forgive herself. Even though she had in essence prevented others from his fists, his anger, she had caused his death for no reason at all other than satisfaction.

“I guess I don’t agree,” she replied to him.

“What? How come?”

“Because I murdered him. We were over and he wasn’t putting up a fight to let me go or anything. He had walked out of my life easily and I took my revenge. It felt good, glorious even.”

“I think you’re too hard on yourself. You did something to protect not only yourself but others from harm. You should be praising yourself, not tearing yourself down.”

“I just don’t think that way,” she said looking away at the wall.

“I don’t mean to change the subject so suddenly, but I thought you should know that when I told Damien it was over, it was only a few hours later when he shot himself.”

“What?” Cadence snapped her head back.

“He’s alive, as alive as you can be after something like that. He’s still breathing, just not on his own.”

“He’s hooked up to machinery.”

“Yeah,” Gus sniffled. “He’s in a coma and I can’t help but think it’s my fault. I put him there by ending it.”

“No,” Cadence shook her head. “Why don’t you take your own advice? You took control of your life and now you’re with someone who treats you with respect. Nothing is more beautiful than that.”

“Thank you, Cadence. To be honest, the reason I’ve stayed away is because I didn’t think you’d accept me dating men. I remember how negatively you reacted when Damien started dating Jay back when we were sophomores in high school.”

“That was a lifetime ago.”

“Indeed. So much has changed and yet in a lot of ways things are still the same. I can still talk with you and not feel judged.”

“I would never look down on you for dating men. I may look down on the man that you choose to date, but it wouldn’t be because he was a man.”

“I know that now.”

“What we had when we dated, it was special. It was the happiest time in my life.”

“What we had was magic. I love Jay, really, but we haven’t gotten to that kinetic spark, that energy yet. We had something between us that was undeniably real. It makes me smile when I think back on it.”

“Me too,” she beamed. “I dream about the water tower and the ATV ride at midnight.”

“It’s good memories.”

“Filled with, as you put it, magic.”

“I can’t say we were right for each other in the long run, but when we were connected there was no force on earth that was stronger.”

Cadence started to cry at that. She hadn’t felt this type of connection with a guy in years and he wasn’t available, not only that but he no longer played for her team. Yet he made her feel beautiful and precious.

“I came to visit you,” Gus stated, “because I knew you were the only person who would understand what I was going through with Damien. Not just because we both dated him, but because of what you did. You’re my hero, Cadence. I didn’t want to leave for college without telling you that.”

Cadence wiped the tears away from her eyes. It was a huge statement and she wasn’t quite sure how to take it.

“So,” she said, “is this goodbye?”

“No,” he shook his head. “Not if I can help it.”



Sitting on a bench in the park, Jay stared at the oak tree that was losing its leaves. The season was changing. He had missed the first two days of classes and he would miss more. Things were different now and he couldn’t help but fear for the worst.

Every day could be the last. Damien’s parents wanted to pull the plug, to end his misery. Yet to Jay, it wasn’t misery. He counted every moment as joy to be with him even when he didn’t react at all. What he had with Damien was magic, even though it hadn’t been in a long time. There was a moment, more than one in the times they’d been on and off again that they were so connected to each other that nothing else mattered in the whole world.

Gus was his boyfriend now, though, a fact that he daren’t forget. What he had with Gus was greater than magic, it was beautiful and awe-inspiring. He hadn’t neglected that. He called Gus daily, but they were both in the same boat. With a mutual former lover in such a precarious situation, it was hard to move at all. It was impossible to move backwards and erase what had occurred, but in the same vein it felt impossible to move forward.

So, he sat there on the bench wasting away. Nothing mattered more than the fact that he was breathing. Gus, himself, and most importantly, Damien were all breathing, but that could quickly change. If only he could do something about it! If only he knew someone who might be able to talk to Damien’s parents, discuss the repercussions of such a definitive course of action.

Then it dawned on him. There was one person, only one. One who knew exactly what this felt like. One who he knew would be there if he asked.



Kerass watched as one of the leaves above him, goldenrod in color, fell. He blew at it causing it to float upward for a moment before it descended to the stone pathway.

“Having fun, are we?” Kathleen asked him.

“You know it!” he giddily replied. He added that it was a beautiful day. The sun was out, magnificent clouds peppered the sky. “How can I not embrace this day as a wondrous gift from the Lord?”

“You are growing, Kerass. By his grace, you have grown over this summer!” she replied delightfully.

“I’m still the same guy I always was,” he said self-consciously.

“No, you’re not. You’re more of the man who you were always made to be. A man made in God’s image. One who worships outwardly without fear of what others think. One who embraces joy without regret or consequence. You’re one of a kind.”

“So are you, Kathleen.”

“Like I don’t know that?” she said with a twirl.

Kerass laughed. He had never felt more relaxed than when he did when he was with her. She was a gift and he hoped he didn’t waste his time with her, but delighted in her fully.

“How’s the church hunt going?” she asked him.

“It’s going. I’ve visited Grace Hill a couple of times, but I feel more drawn to Our Savior. There’s something nostalgic about that place. In many ways it feels like home.

“A little bit of magic on this side of paradise?”

“No, a glimpse of my real home with Him.”

“You have changed. That’s for sure.”

“Whatever you say.”

“You have a joy about you that didn’t exist when I first met you. It’s been wondrous to watch that evolution.”

“Well, I thank you.”

“Not a problem. I just call ‘em like I see ‘em.”

“Which church do you attend again?”

“It’s called Grace and it is home, like you said. But I think we have many homes. I view every church I’ve attended as a piece of home. More people who are a part of the family as we get to celebrate and worship together. What brings people closer together than that common faith. I don’t think anything is stronger than that bond.”

“You said it, I didn’t.”

“What? Do you disagree or something?” she challenged him.

“Yeah, I do,” he nodded.

“What? What’s stronger than that bond, the unbreakable bond of the family of faith?”

“Oh, I don’t know…” he paused. “Romance? Love? In all of its different iterations and expressions, I’m convinced nothing is stronger than two becoming one.”

“Ok, well you’re wrong, but that’s ok.”

Kerass jumped as his cell phone went off blaring More by Matthew West.

“I approve,” Kathleen nodded. “It’s a classic.”

“It’s Matthew. He’s the best,” he added quickly before he picked up the phone. “Jay!” he exclaimed. “Where have you been?”

“I stayed behind for a few days,” he said monotone. He added that he had never felt so alone before as he choked crying.

“Wait, calm down,” Kerass gently commanded. “Start over. Tell me what’s going on.”

“They’re thinking of pulling the plug on Damien.”

“You don’t have to say anything else. I’m heading there now,” he said.

“Thanks, just hurry!” Jay pleaded with him.

“I will. I promise,” he said as he hung up the phone.

“What’s happening?” Kathleen asked gently.

“You remember how often we prayed for Damien, the guy who shot himself, over the summer?”

“Of course,” she nodded.

“His parents are thinking of ending his life.”

“I’ll go with you.”

“No, you don’t have to.”

“Listen to me, Kerass. I’m with you through the good and the bad. Let me come with you.”

Kerass nodded.

Fallen Leaves - Chapter 71: Better Than Words

The sun was setting in an extraordinary, striking vision. The pastel colors painted across the clouds in only a way that’s been captured by photography and movies and yet this was even better, the colors more vivid. Nothing, no worries about tomorrow, or the following day, would disturb the peace that was brought from this beautiful gift from above.

“Cadence!” the guard called out for her.

Nothing except that. When she opened her eyes, she saw the same familiar surroundings. Nothing but gray stone around her keeping her inside this prison.

The guard handed her a tray through a small hole in the bottom of the cell, a hole that was latched and only opened when food came. The guard told her she must eat to survive, but she couldn’t help but feel like she was treated like vermin, like a dog in the pound.

The food was atrocious, but living in the jail every day was even worse. It was pure hell, but she admitted she wouldn’t have it any other way. She had been humbled in a way few others could profess to. She didn’t know anyone else outside these walls that had committed murder. She admitted to herself that deflecting the blame, regardless of what he did to her was fruitless. He was gone now. No one would be hurt by him again, so why did she still hate him so?

His life was ended by her hands. The shot was perfectly personal. She couldn’t say that she regretted it, either, a fact that bothered her. In all the time she had thought about God and Jesus over the summer, or was it spring? She couldn’t tell. The days were becoming a blur. The passing of seasons only something to be observed by those outside of these caged entrapments. God didn’t forgive from what she read in the Old Testament, but Jesus from the New Testament did.

Examples of men from the Bible were provided to her of murderers who were forgiven by God, but how could she be forgiven by God when she hadn’t forgiven herself? She wasn’t even convinced she needed saving or forgiveness for that matter. She had created this situation for herself and she would climb out of it.

She hadn’t read any from God’s word in weeks if not months by now. If God hadn’t saved her from living in this forsaken depravity of humanity, then she wasn’t going to be saved at all. Only her dreams and fantasies prevented her from completely losing her mind.



Turning the A/C on full blast, Kerass shook his head attempting to stay awake. The drive to Evergreen Forest was always difficult. The many hours of solitude where he had nothing but his thoughts and mind to distract him was horrifying to him. He was utterly convinced one of these days he’d get in a car crash out of sheer exhaustion or just distraction from the road.

The summer was over. For the first time in his college career, he was yearning to return. It was time. It was time to leave college behind and enter the ‘real’ world, whatever that meant. Only two semesters and a summer session left and he’d finally be done.

He contemplated going to grad school, but he just couldn’t bring himself to be excited by the prospect when he was ready to leave school behind. The major wouldn’t exactly get him a stellar job, but it was something. He was ready to work.

This summer had been one of the most beautiful he’d ever experienced. Weekly he spoke with Kathleen and they prayed together over the phone. His yearning and desire for prayer also helped him reconnect with his father. They went on prayer walks together daily. He never imagined that they would’ve reconnected in that way, but that was what his mother wanted. Her presence still impacted his life, and that would never change. She’d never leave him behind and would embrace him when he entered paradise.

Even though they prayed together daily, he still had his reservations about his father. He couldn’t say his father wasn’t a believer, wasn’t a Christian, but he felt he was a very weak one. While he had forgiven his father, he couldn’t help but question the decision that was made five years prior when that plug was pulled. It just didn’t seem right to end a life like that. Forcing the end was just horrible, horrendous.

Feelings of remorse, a terrible sadness, a dark cloud hovered over him as he relived that moment again. He remembered everything, even the smell of the hospital sheets. Silently, he prayed that no one else would have to experience that.

He had to distract himself. Going through his phone contacts, he called Kathleen. She picked up on the third ring.

“You need prayer, don’t you?” Kathleen said.

Kerass stammered before he said yes. “How did you know?”

“You don’t think I know you?” she asked mischievously. “Plus, God told me someone would call me in desperate need of prayer, so I’ve had my phone ready all day just waiting for a call. I’m glad it was you, someone I’ve prayed with before. So tell me,” she paused, “what’s going on?”

“The memory hit me again.”

“Which one? You’ve had several,” she gently said.

“The day my mom died. The one in the hospital room where they-”

“They pulled the plug,” she interrupted him.

“Yeah,” he choked out as tears came down his face.

“Don’t hide your tears from me, Kerass. You know this is a safe place to be broken, vulnerable.”

“I know, but I still gotta drive,” he added with a light laugh.

“It’s hard to believe that someone so young has already suffered so much loss.”

“I don’t carry it well. I just ignore it, suppress it.”

“I don’t buy that,” she challenged him. “Actually, I was gonna say I’m surprised by how well you do carry it. You acknowledge your feelings, which is no easy feat. You let others in when things overwhelm you. In essence, you let your friends in on your grieving process. You don’t hide, not at all. You constantly ask for help and that is a bold, courageous thing to do. You should be acknowledged and validated for how truthful and vulnerable you are.”

“I just don’t know,” he sighed. “How can it not be viewed as a weakness?”

“Kerass, trust me. You have empathy and that’s better than words. It’s more than a feeling. It’s God gifted understanding.”

“Wow…” Kerass breathed. He hadn’t viewed himself that way at all, at least not before his mother had the accident. Yet here Kathleen was speaking words of life into him, building him up in a way he never did for himself. It was so easy to do it for others, but never for yourself. Instead of fighting and challenging it, he opted to accept it. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” she replied. “Shall we pray?”

“Yeah,” he said. So, he began to pray out loud with her for the campus, for his emotions. She thanked God for making him so vulnerable and empathetic. He didn’t know what he would do without her. Praying together was so intimate. He couldn’t wait for the time that they would be able to pray in person again.



Jay walked down the hallway, a hallway he had memorized every detail of. He was well aware whenever a new poster was put up or when one of the lightbulbs was going to go out. Walking down this hallway daily was something that would rapidly change for he had to go back to school. Damien was still in the hospital, laying in a bed without any recognition that anyone else was there, whether they entered or left the room, he remained stagnant.

Jay took a deep breath as he looked at Damien for the last time in a long time. He gently reached up and brushed Damien’s long hair out of his eyes. There’s no way if he were conscious he would’ve allowed his hair to grow that long.

He held Damien’s hand and stroked it. Damien’s face had forever been altered. Massive scars lay across the right side of his face. His lip had been ripped open and blood had poured out when he discovered him on the floor. While they had patched his face up, it was forever changed. He would never be the handsome man that he was.

Damien wasn’t a bad man. He was just emotional and had difficulty with denial. Jay had already forgiven him for cheating on him. Silently, he blamed himself for making Gus tell Damien it was over. Was that the thing that pushed Damien over the edge? If only he had backed out, then Damien may be smiling and laughing like he used to, but that would never happen.

Gus had been amazing. Since he had been through something similar with his uncle, he was completely understanding and gracious when it came to Damien. Gus had visited Damien a few times as well, but it was different. Jay had more of a history with him and well, he had used and manipulated Gus. Even Jay acknowledged that it wasn’t right how they had evolved as a couple.

Surprisingly enough this didn’t put a strain on his relationship. It brought them closer together as they were able to mourn together through similar experiences. All it took was one look between them, no words were spoken, and they knew that the other needed to be comforted and held while the tears came out.

They had decided to wait before they got more intimate with each other. Gus told him that it meant something with Damien, but that was tainted by the manipulation when he thought back on it. Jay had as well, but it didn’t mean anything and it was far from fun. It was painful and awkward and his friendship, if you could even call it that, with Gil never recovered.

Jay looked down at Damien’s stomach. It rose and it fell, rose and fell. How could something so simple, like the act of breathing become so amazing, wondrous, and gorgeous? When he looked up, he knew. He had to acknowledge that this simple ability wouldn’t be possible without machinery. Oh, Damien, what have you done? Jay asked pleading daily that he would respond in some way, show some sign of improvement. Yet he remained rhythmically breathing without any acknowledgement.

Looking at his watch, Jay knew it was time to say goodbye. He had to hit the road if he were to make it on time to his first class, but something gave him pause. Damien’s parents were outside the door and he couldn’t help but listen in.



Cadence walked down the hallway. She was being taken to a room where bullet proof glass separated her from anyone else who came to visit. No one visited outside of her mom, not even any of her high school friends, not even Kerass. Yet she was told she had a visitor today, someone new.

When she sat down, she saw him. Gus sat across from her.

“Hi, Cadence,” he said.

She was stunned. No words came out of her mouth, only an exhale.

Fallen Leaves - Chapter 70: Love You Goodbye

Patting his father on the back, Kerass broke the embrace, and smiled at his father. For the first time in years it felt good to be in such a familiar place. There was no denying that Oak Stream would forever be home and that he would eventually find his way back in his own timing, on his own terms. Now wasn’t the proper time, but he had to let it out. He had to say something.

“Dad, I,” he paused taking a deep breath, “there’s, uh, something, something I need to say to you.”

“Sure,” his dad nodded. He added that they could step into his office so they’d have privacy.

Walking up the stairs, he looked around at paintings of Jesus with thorns on his head, blood dripping down his face. A plaque underneath stated: by His wounds we are healed…

It was certainly interesting and correct theology as far as Kerass could tell, but it wasn’t what he wanted to focus on. He wanted to focus on the resurrected Jesus, not the one who bled and died for him. Why did Jesus have to be in so much pain in these depictions?

Walking down the children’s hallway, he saw depictions of extremely dangerous animals smiling and waving at him: a lion, a hippo, an alligator. It was more than a little bit disturbing.

Finally, when they reached his father’s office at the end of the hallway of dangerous smiling animals, a hallway full of neglecting and disrespecting the powers of God’s creation, they walked into the office and sat down together.

“I know it’s been a while since you’ve been here and I can’t deny that I feel responsible for that, guilty even,” his father admitted. “So, I wanted to give you the opportunity to air any grievances out. You are free to say anything, to be completely uncensored. Just know that I am thrilled that you have come back to the church you grew up in.”

Kerass took a moment to think over everything he wanted to say. He had dreamed of this moment for years, ripping into his father, tearing out his heart the way he had done to him and his mother. Everything he wanted to say coming up, boiling up inside of him. Yet the spirit of God told him to be silent.

Exhaling, he spoke, but was patient to let the words form on his lips, on his tongue, “I can’t tell you what you did was right. I will never agree with the decision you made. But if we’re still to have any sense of a relationship, brotherhood in the faith, if you will, then I’ll have to forgive you. Just because I forgive you doesn’t mean that I understand why you did it, but it’s the only way that I can move forward.”

His father for the first time cried in front of him. A glimpse, that was all he needed to move on after all these years, a glimpse of the compassionate, sensitive man that his mother had fallen in love with. God would move him and continue to grow him. He had no doubt of that.



Jeremy walked down Main Street, having just shaved for the first time in months. His head, no longer a hairy mess, was presentable. He finally felt like he could take some much-needed time to process everything that had happened.

Had he not been kicked out of ROTC, he may never have gotten on the medicine. On the other hand, he may never have gone through the dark, depression valley that he had undergone. He may never have fallen back on cutting himself to feel again.

None of it mattered though. He couldn’t go back and erase his past, as much as he might want to. Truly, his past made him who he was. Yet there was only one person who he regretted let go during his time of depression. The only one who had reached out to him was Kerass. He knew no matter what Kerass would walk alongside him.

The one person he wished he still had in his life was Jaden. Their relationship had been interesting to say the least. They had gotten intimate really quickly and had run into some road blocks when he realized the only reason, she had wanted to date him was to make Pax jealous. Yet there was something he had been missing for a while. Being connected with a sister in the faith, hell even a woman was something that was severely lacking in his life.

When he reached the nature trail, he noticed that Julia was leaving it. He called out to her asking her how she was doing.

“I’m fine,” she said. “Uh, don’t take this the wrong way, but who are you?”

“I’m Jeremy. We both went to Oak Stream High together. We have a mutual friend in Kerass.”

Julia gasped. “Oh, yes! When we’ve talked, albeit briefly, he’s mentioned you before. He’s quite concerned about you. Are you ok?”

“I will be,” he stated. “You know, he was right about you. You’re not afraid to go for the jugular.”

“No. I care too much about people to let them be fake around me.”

“That’s really commendable of you,” he stated. Now, he was torn. Here was an opportunity right in front of him for some female connection. He didn’t even know if Jaden even wanted to still talk to him. He’d never know if he didn’t reach out to her, but could this chance encounter be from the Lord? After all Oak Stream was home and it always would be.

“Nice seeing you, Jeremy,” she said as she walked away.

“Hold up!” he called out after her.

Turning around, she locked eyes with him, putting her hair behind her ears. She looked so innocent.

“Do you want to, I don’t know, uh, go out with me?” he laid the question out.

She stared him down, which deeply intimidated him, but then she smiled and giggled. “Any friend of Kerass is a friend of mine. I’d love to go out with you.”

“Excellent,” he breathed out. Jaden would have to wait. For now, he was more than fine with exploring whatever would happen next.



Jay held Gus, putting his arms around his waist as Gus lay his head on his shoulder. This was beautiful and bliss. It was exactly what intimacy was supposed to be. How could anybody look down on them for expressing their love for each other?

“Did you do it?” Jay asked. He clarified by asking if he ended things with Damien.

“I will,” Gus promised him. “I’m going to talk to him in person, but you know he no longer lives in Oak Stream. He doesn’t come here over the summers like we do. I have to drive up to visit him.”

“I could go with you, if you’d like. I mean, it’s not like once school was out we really stuck to keeping away from each other.”

“No!” Gus screamed out. “This is something I have to do for myself, ok?”

Jay nodded, kissing him on the forehead. They were going to make it. Of all the relationships he’d had, this was the purest. He’d do anything to keep them connected with each other.



“How?” Cadence asked looking the chaplain directly in the eyes. “How does Jesus save people?”

“You’re asking because of the dream you’ve had?”

“It’s less of a dream than a recurring nightmare.”

“Why don’t you describe it to me again?”

“Do we have to rehash it?” she spat out. “It’s a nightmare where I’m stuck behind bars burning in hell. I don’t like to think on it.”

“But you do.”

“Yes!” she screamed out. “Why aren’t you telling me about the answer that Jesus provides? I mean, isn’t that what you get paid to do?”

“To a certain degree. But all in good timing.”

“Would you just tell me the story? Julia would’ve already done that a long time ago by now.”

“Jesus died to cover all your wrongs, your sins against God. Then he rose again from the dead crushing Satan’s plan in the process.”

“I know that part of it, but I can’t stop thinking about how he only had male disciples. Did he hate women or am I thinking wrongly about it?”

The chaplain smiled. “He valued women more than you know. When he had risen from the grave, the first people he showed himself to were women. You have no idea how precious and valuable women are to him.”

Cadence nodded. That was something she had always longed to hear, but had never heard throughout the years of growing up outside of the church. Hell, even good church going people hadn’t been able to provide an answer like that. “Yep, I think I can get on board with that.”

“Do you want to accept Jesus as Lord and savior of your life?”

“No,” she exhaled, “but I’m warming up to it.”



Damien opened the door. Gus stood before him. “Hey,” Damien said. He asked him how he was.

“I’ll be better once this is over,” Gus replied with finality.

“I don’t understand,” Damien said, his voice shaking. “This doesn’t have to end between us. We’re good together, we always have been.”

“No, we weren’t. You manipulated me and forced me into compromising situations that I’m deeply ashamed of. Things that I’ll never be able to take back, but not anymore. It’s over, Damien. I’m with Jay now and you’ll have to accept that even if you don’t respect it.”

“How can you look at me, someone who’s loved and cared for you and tell me you don’t love me anymore.”

“This has nothing to do with love!” Gus chastised me. “It was all about my body. Sex, sex, sex! That’s all you ever cared about with you and me. Jay cares about me in a way that you never did. He asks me how I am and wants to know what I’m thinking. He doesn’t care how quickly or not we have sex. He wants me for me, not for my body, not to just get off.”

“Please,” Damien begged, grabbing his shoulder, but Gus shoved it away. “If you don’t love me anymore, at least let me love you goodbye.”

“Have sex with you?” Gus asked flabbergasted. “You are truly sick, Damien. I can’t believe I ever stayed with you in the first place. Don’t come near me or Jay ever again,” he threatened, storming out the door.

Damien gently shut the door behind him. Nothing mattered anymore. The gift his father had given him for defense may be used for an entirely different purpose. All he had to do was check to see if it was still loaded.



Opening up the letter, Kerass held his breath. It had been Jordan’s first response in months. He didn’t know what to think, but he knew he had to read it. With great anticipation, he began reading:

Dear Kerass,

I am beyond thrilled to hear about how you’ve started praying before the church service! From personal experience, I know that people will not view that as a legitimate service to the church and even the pastor may push you away and tell you you’re wasting his time, but I assure you that angels in heaven are praising God for the service that you’ve done!

Please tell me more about this girl that’s teaching you how to pray. How I wish I could meet her so that we could all pray together. What a joy that would be!

Please update me on Jeremy. I pray for him nightly since you’ve written me. Please tell me if he’s all right, if he’s stopped harming himself.

As for me, rest assured that I have found more community around me. The Lord has been gracious and forever faithful to me. I’ve been transferred over and now all of my fellow soldiers are brothers in Christ. You wouldn’t believe how beautiful it is to have this intense of brotherhood. I’ve only experienced this one other time in my life and that was with you.

I fear for you, Kerass. I fear others don’t love you as intensely, passionately, and intimately, as you love them. Believe me when I tell you that I do, even though we’re many miles apart. I cherish our brotherhood together and I pray earnestly that it’ll never die.

I think you’ve made many beautiful decisions that have helped you grow more like Christ in how you love and pursue the unlovable, the unreached. May you continue to do so always.

I don’t know when I’m coming home, but I pray that I can see you in person again soon. Please don’t let it be months again before I hear from you, even if it takes me months to write you back. You are one of my dearest friends.

Your brother forever,

Jordan

Kerass clutched the letter and held it towards his chest. His heart was pounding fast. After the conversation he had with his father, this was what God had used to assure him he’d made the right decision.

Picking up a pen and paper, he instantly started to write Jordan back.

Dear Jordan,

You won’t believe what I have to update you about this year.



Jay gently knocked on the door. He felt guilty over how harsh he had been towards Damien, even though he was nothing more than a lowly scumbag. He knew he needed to apologize, be the bigger person, or whatever.

He called out his name, but there was no reply. “Damien?” he called out again. “Damien, are you in here?”

Opening the door, he realized it was unlocked. What he saw when he walked in the door, he’d never be able to unsee. Damien held a handgun to his temple. He pulled the trigger. The shot rang out. Jay screamed as a bit of blood hit him.

He rushed over to his side, tears flowing out his eyes. “You can’t do this to me! You can’t leave me by ending your life!” he screamed out. He checked his pulse. He felt the faintest heartbeat. Amazingly enough, Damien must still be alive.

Jay quickly dialed 911. “Please, I need an ambulance quickly. Someone just shot himself.”



End of Year 7