Fallen Leaves - Chapter 33: Temporary Fix

The stands were empty as football tryouts occurred. Everybody was on the field, which was exactly where Kerass wanted to be, but he couldn’t force himself to even face his former teammates, not in the hallways and especially not on the field. So there he remained, unseen, underneath the football stands on the gravel where he got a clear view of everyone’s game or lack thereof to be honest. He could tell that the team was going to be terrible this year. He knew that he could help the team, but the further along his high school career he got, the more he realized that he wasn’t talented enough to carry a team all on his own.

“Thought I’d find you here,” Gus said behind him. Kerass recognized his voice instantly before turning around visually acknowledging what his brain already knew.

“I guess I’m lucky someone knows me well enough,” Kerass began. He continued saying how hard it was to watch the tryouts occur, but that he felt the need to do so anyways.

“You need company right now.”

Kerass nodded. Gus sat down beside him putting a comforting hand on his shoulder. Kerass gripped Gus’s hand, silently thanking him for the gesture before they both stared at the field together.

“I’m sorry that I’ve taken time away from your girlfriend,” Kerass began, but Gus simply shook his head.

“It’s nothing to worry about.”

“You two haven’t seen each other for a while. I guess I feel slightly responsible.”

Gus had been courteous enough to be honest with him about their relationship over the summer, but it hadn’t bothered him in the slightest. He was definitely over Cadence. He had much more pressing issues to think about than who she was dating.

“You are not that powerful. No, me and Cadence are capable of messing things up all by ourselves.”

Silence ensued. Kerass didn’t need to talk, he just needed someone to sit beside him as he grappled with the reality that his senior year wouldn’t involve him playing football. He had lied to his father out of anger. He did love the sport, yet he hated the pressure that amounted from it. However, it was undeniable that despite all the things he hated about being the quarterback, the fakeness, the false love, the hatred when he messed up, the knowledge that he could never amount to what his father wanted him to be, none of that lessened the blow that leaving something behind he knew so well wasn’t a comfort at all. He knew that the sport would no longer be part of his daily routine in the fall and it broke his heart, but not enough to force him into action. When he looked at Gus though, he saw the same longing in his eyes that he knew was in himself.

“You want to be out there too, don’t you?” Kerass observed compassionately.

Gus nodded. The thought occurred to Kerass that it must be too painful for him to express in words.

“Why are you hiding here with me then?”

Gus looked at him, locking eyes, never straying, but Kerass felt no need to look away for he felt that comfortable with him. “Because my own happiness, my desire to play the game, it isn’t as important as being there for you, my friend, because you need me a lot more than I need my own happiness.”

It was one of the kindest things Kerass had ever heard. While he hated admitting that it was true, he felt truly lucky that Gus could read him well enough to know what he needed.

“Thank you,” he was able to choke out, fighting back tears.

“Don’t mention it. Let’s just watch them play.”

They remained silent throughout the rest of the tryouts, but Kerass felt better already. He felt he had never been closer to anyone else, not Jay, not Cadence, especially not his father, than he did to Gus and yet he still couldn’t bring himself to share all of his secrets with him and feared that he’d never get to a place where he felt consistently happy about who he was. He knew he drained the fun out of everyone around him, but Gus didn’t seem phased by it at all. Cadence’s wish sophomore year for him to be friends with Gus had finally come to fruition.



“You are so overthinking this,” Jay challenged Cadence.

It wasn’t exactly the type of response she wanted to hear, but she’d just have to go with it for now. He didn’t understand what she was going through, but perhaps it was right to be put in her place.

“You’re still friends with me, right?” Cadence asked, holding her breath, awaiting an answer.

“Course,” Jay reassured her. He proceeded to ask her why she felt the need to ask the question. “I mean, isn’t it obvious that I care for you?”

“Yeah,” she said out loud. Internally she wasn’t so sure. She guessed he cared for her, but she couldn’t stop thinking about what Lyra had said. There was a bit of truth in her accusations and it bothered her because she realized she had done the same thing to Jay. She had accused Jay of being creepy, which, ok, was still true, but he was a lot less creepy. Admittedly that wasn’t much of a consolation prize but she had grown more accustomed to him. They both were very concerned about Kerass and she could tell that Jay felt as powerless to help him as she did.

“I’m sorry that after freshmen year we sorta grew apart,” she offered timidly.

“It’s nothing,” he gently replied. “I needed to grow a lot and I still don’t feel like I’m there just yet.”

“You’re more mature than I am.”

“Ain’t that the truth.”

Cadence rolled her eyes at him.

“It’s just a joke,” Jay defended himself.

“Why are we even out here?” Cadence asked. They had been walking around the school in circles just talking away. She daren’t mention how Gus left her behind at school a week ago. They hadn’t talked since, but her relationship with Gus, whether it was just in a strain or ending was none of Jay’s business and she was very impressed that he hadn’t asked her about it.

“I get that you’re really bummed out and I think you need something, a community to help distract you from that,” he paused taking a breath. “At least it worked for me.”

As they rounded the corner of the school’s back parking lot, Cadence saw the flags twirling in the air.



The audition for color guard was non-existent for Jay. Mr. Martin just gave him a smile and told him how happy he was to see him back on the team. He came through with his promise. No questions were asked and he was added on without any audition. Jay wanted to stay behind to watch Cadence audition, but he was too nervous for her. It could be a total bust anyways. When he looked over to the football field, it felt strange not seeing Kerass there throwing that ball. His heart broke every time he thought about Kerass, but if he refused to let him in, there was nothing he could do.

Something else took him off guard. Jeremy was on the field and from the looks of it he was God-awful, yet he was still better than over half the rest of the people on the field who couldn’t catch a ball if the fate of the world depended upon it. Where could Kerass be? It was a question that kept probing, poking the back of his mind, but more importantly, why was Jeremy trying out for the team? It raised a lot of questions. Was the only reason that he stepped down from leading the Christian group so he could be pummeled while charging down the field? It didn’t make any sense to him, but neither did it make sense to anyone else when he ditched theater to do color guard for the marching band. It didn’t exactly go down that way, but in essence he hadn’t even thought of going on stage again since his freshmen year. What had he been thinking? If Jeremy was going to branch out by doing that stupid game of football, then Jay could force himself to go back to his roots and audition again for the spring show, which nobody seemed to know what it would be, but he had a feeling that it would be announced soon. He could always talk to Jeremy later. Knowing how their friendship had been going, he probably wouldn’t listen to a word he said anyways. Sure it might conflict with marching band rehearsal, but having that final experience on the high school stage, that was so much more important.



As Kerass walked to his car more upset than ever by watching the tryouts he wasn’t part of, Lyra walked over to him and instantly hugged him.

“What was that for?” Kerass asked.

“You needed it.”

For whatever reason, the explanation was acceptable to him. She just knew.

“Listen,” Lyra paused. She continued saying it was difficult to ask. “Would you consider going on a hike with me?”

“Uh, sure I guess. Can’t do it anytime soon, but I’m sure we can find time later.”

“In the fall perhaps? When the leaves are changing?”

“We could walk over the fallen leaves.”

“Exactly.”

“Well, I’d best be off.”

“Thank you,” Lyra said, hugging him before she whisked herself away. Lyra was walking home again, but Kerass didn’t have the strength or the energy to ask to give her a ride home, not when he had 30 minutes of driving before him. He started the ignition and took off.



Cadence was walking to the school parking lot, trying to figure out how she’d get a ride home since Jay had forced her to miss her bus, when she felt his arms wrap around her from behind. Gus had the power to make her feel so comfortable, yet she couldn’t help but feel alone. He had left her.

“Why did you leave me alone in the school parking lot the other day?” she asked Gus, locking eyes with him.

“Oh, about that, it was nothing. It’s nothing for you to worry about.”

“I’m not worried. I’m just bitter,” she replied.

“Well, there’s no need to be. I just needed to help out a friend, that’s all.”

“Why?” she asked. She continued asking why he couldn’t have explained this sooner as opposed to pretending that the growing tension between them didn’t exist. “I want you to be able to trust me enough to tell me these things.”

“Yeah and when are you going to trust me?” he confronted.

“I’m not following.”

“When are you going to talk about what happened overseas?”

“Whenever you grow up and stop asking,” she said turning her back on him.

“I was driving Kerass home, not that you needed to know that,” he added as an aside.

“Kerass?” Cadence asked turning around. “You’ve been talking with Kerass?”

Gus nodded.

“For how long?”

“All summer.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because you never asked.”

It wasn’t much of an answer, but what could she anticipate from Gus? The fact that he was Kerass’s friend and she wasn’t weighed down on her like a ton of bricks. Perhaps she needed Gus’s love now more than ever, but she still couldn’t force herself to trust him with her darkest secret.

“Could we just start all over again?” Cadence begged.

“I don’t think that’d be healthy for either of us.”

“What are you saying? Do you want us to take a break?”

“No, not yet,” he whispered.

“Will you just take me home?” she choked, forcing the words out.

Without saying a word, they both got in the car. The radio turned off, not a sound was heard on the drive back home, but internally her thoughts screamed at her. Cadence never once acknowledged him during the ride, instead she just stared out the window crying.



“How’d your try out go?” Jay asked Jeremy on the drive home.

“It went fine, I guess,” he paused adding that it wasn’t anything special. “What about you? How’d your audition go?”

“I didn’t have to audition, major plus, but I convinced Cadence to audition.”

“Good for you,” Jeremy added while he glanced down at his phone and began to text yet again behind the wheel.

“What are you freaking serious?” Jay blurted out. “What is wrong with you man? Why are you texting again?”

“I can see the road fine, don’t you fret about that.”

“Would you ever text on the field?”

“No because I could be pummeled by the opposing team.”

“And what would you do if another car pummeled you?” Jay challenged.

“That’d never happen. Trust me. I’m a good driver. I know what I’m doing.”

“I bet you do,” Jay muttered under his breath. Fuming with anger he stared out the window not daring enough to continue the conversation further.



“What have you been doing in there?” Kerass’s roommate, Bryce asked. He continued saying that Kerass had been in the bathroom forever. “I mean, like, what are you like masturbating in there?”

“No!” Kerass replied defensively. “Thanks for that though. That was very Christian of you to ask.”

“Anytime buddy.”

Kerass blocked out the rest of what Bryce was saying. Knowing it was nothing more than a temporary fix, he looked away as the drops of blood fell into the sink.

Fallen Leaves - Chapter 32: Illusion

Closing his eyes, Kerass took a deep breath. He couldn’t even look at Mr. Baganz. Betrayal clouding his thoughts, he stepped out of the car frustrated, forcing himself to stare at the pavement, refusing to lock eyes with his father. He hadn’t slammed the door out of sheer respect, but he didn’t think he could ever trust Mr. Baganz again for pulling a fast one on him. It was sickening to even think about.

“Kerass!” Mr. Baganz called out. “Kerass, wait!”

Kerass was so focused on the ground that when he stepped onto the sidewalk he didn't have time to react before his father grabbed him.

“I’ll sign the paper for you,” his father said gently, “but only if you’ll talk to me,” he tacked on.

Of course there was a catch and that catch was too great a burden. It was too soon. In the heat of his rage, Kerass felt like it would forever be too soon.

“Then I guess you won’t be signing it,” Kerass said through gritted teeth, attempting to get out of his father’s grasp, but his strength failed him as he thought back to his mother's final moments, how he was not even looking at the plug that was pulled, he wasn't looking at her either. He had closed his eyes. How weak he truly was.

“You don’t mean that,” Mr. Baganz said beside him. He continued saying he knew how much the game meant to him.

“The game was only important to him, not to me,” Kerass said. Through gritted teeth he added that he couldn’t even look at him. “You killed my mother,” he harshly whispered. “There’s no turning back from that.”

“I’ll sign it, you don’t even have to talk to me, but don’t walk away from the game that you love.”

“I don’t care if you sign it because even if you did, I won’t play this year just to see you suffer,” he said. He tacked on that scholarships meant nothing to him. “I will never forgive you. I’ll only say this once: leave me alone and never talk to me again. Oh, and Mr. Baganz, I’d rather walk home.”

Mr. Baganz and his father yelled after him to not walk away, but he tried to tune them out amongst the constant buzz of chatter surrounding him.

“Sup senior?” someone he didn’t catch called after him. Looking down at his shirt, he was aware for the first time since he arrived that he was wearing his senior shirt. He had thought at the beginning of junior year that he would love being a senior, but all he felt was like he was disappearing, becoming invisible. Before he met Cadence, he hadn’t really shared with anyone about how he felt others didn’t see him for who he really was. Gus could and Jay wanted to, but he usually didn’t grasp the full picture. Now he felt alone and he wasn’t convinced the feeling would ever stray.



“You made it,” Jeremy said walking over to Jay.

Jay could pick out his voice in any crowd. He was still so mad at Jeremy for his reckless behavior, but it was senior year after all. It was the beginning of the end and he wanted the ending to last as long as possible. Grudges no longer lasted long on his account. Even in the intervening minutes since he called Jeremy out he had missed him.

“I’m not going to apologize for what I said,” Jay blurted out.

“I never expected you would.”

Jay couldn’t help but smile. It might not be as big of a deal as he made it out to be but it was something he just couldn’t support, yet their friendship needed to move past this. It was a tough decision.

“I guess, well,” Jay choked on the words. He said that he didn’t like what Jeremy was doing. “Just don’t do it while I’m in the car.”

“I promise.”

The pause lingered between them creating an awkwardness that was overbearing. There wasn’t anything else to say though. He thought Jeremy was smarter than this.

“Can we move past this now?” Jeremy asked hopefully.

Jay nodded. “Tensions don’t last long between us anyways.”

“Good, then I can share what I wanted to share in the car with you.”

“Isn’t it a bit early to go deep?”

“Nah, it’s never too early for an honest conversation. It’s nothing major anyways. I just wanted to let you know that I won’t be leading the men in the Christian fellowship this year.”

“You’re stepping down?” Jay asked concerned. It seemed impossible to think of anyone else who could do a better job. Jeremy was the only reason that he felt comfortable to check out the group in the first place.

“It’s a done deal. I need to refocus. Don’t worry, I’ll still be a part of the group and we’ll still hang out. I’m just not a leader anymore.”

Jay could feel Jeremy’s eyes on him expecting to hear something back, but he wasn’t about to give him that satisfaction. He couldn’t explain why it bothered him, angered him even, that Jeremy was stepping down, but he just couldn’t bring himself to reply.

“Well, I gotta run to class,” Jeremy said going into a bear hug.

Jay hugged him back, but he couldn’t look at him. He needed to collect his thoughts. He felt his heart break for Jeremy and questioned why he was so nonchalant when telling him about it.

Cadence waved at him while Gus continued to talk to her, not even noticing that he was there. Jay waved back not feeling bold enough to disrupt their conversation.

Kerass bolted down the hallway, not stopping to talk with anyone. It was so unlike him, but that could be handled later, whenever Kerass decided to start talking with him again. Right now he knew he couldn’t help Cadence or Kerass, but he had an inkling he could help Jeremy. He had to help.

The bell rang breaking him from his thoughts immediately throwing all thoughts of his friends out of his mind. He shot up the stairs racing to math class hoping against hope that it wasn’t the late bell.



Kerass sat down for first period study hall. This was great. There’d be several days a week he could just skip the beginning of the day seeing as they never took attendance during study hall and all people did was talk. It seemed perfectly ironic that study hall never involved studying. Plus, it would give him time away. If he didn’t show up on time, his father, hopefully, wouldn’t bombard him trying to maintain a relationship with him. That simply wouldn’t happen. He started strumming his fingers against the desk out of frustration. Someone behind him tapped him on the shoulder, causing him to stop.

“Are you ok?” a familiar voice asked.

“Lyra, is that you?” Kerass asked turning around.

“You already know it’s me, Kerass. There’s no need to ask the question.”

Her response seemed a little rude, but was exactly what he expected. Her bluntness was refreshing. Out of all the people he had blocked off this summer, the only person he regretted not reaching out to was Lyra. Cadence respected his privacy, plus it seemed she had problems of her own. He couldn’t imagine why he had wanted to be with Cadence at all. She was brimming over with secrets and drama. Jay on the other hand, such a loyal friend, but that loyalty was also intermixed with constant checking in. Every single time, he clicked the ignore button, which only prompted Jay to reach out more. Jay didn't understand, Kerass didn’t desire to feel better. He only wanted to hear the truth. The rest of the options had repercussions that were far too painful.

Lyra pulled her hood off. Kerass’s eyes almost flew out of his head. Her hair was completely shaved off. The stubble was even smaller than a typical buzz cut.

“Oh my god, what happened to you head!?” Kerass blurted out flabbergasted.

“I cut my hair,” Lyra responded monotone.

He apologized, telling her she was absolutely right. “I’m sorry, it just took me off guard.”

“It’s ok,” Lyra whispered back patting his arm.

“But you look good. I mean, you still look feminine even with no hair on your head.”

“I know that was meant to be a compliment, so I’m just going to say thank you.”

“Sorry, my mind’s been all over the place.”

“Because?”

“Well, my father showed up at school to try and reconcile things.”

“And?”

Kerass sighed, not exactly sure how to explain it without placing his anger onto Lyra. “I told him,” he paused, “that I never wanted to see him again.”

“I’m disappointed in you, Kerass.”

“Why?” Kerass asked floored by her response.

“Because I know you’re better than this.”



The bell rang breaking up the monotony of the first day back. The day had been a blur. Cadence wasn’t excited about a single one of her classes. At least she didn’t have to take math this year. That would’ve made her schedule even worse. It shouldn’t have surprised her, but she didn’t have a single class with Gus. He was being a little too prodding, wanting to know too much. She didn’t have a class with Kerass either. Kerass needed space and she had her own issues to think about. She had no problems giving him the time he needed to recover from his mother’s untimely passing. Jay, well, she hadn’t seen Jay in ages. She had a feeling that Kerass had probably avoided him after the funeral and she really didn’t blame him. Jay was very possessive of Kerass and didn’t understand that there were boundaries. She was glad that Julia was no longer in high school. Cadence had no idea how to read that girl and they only created drama together for Kerass. Hopefully Kerass realized how terrible and manipulative Julia was, but boys were dumb. How much could she expect from him?

The wave of people bursting through the front door seemed even more massive. The freshmen in particular looked nothing more than little children who couldn’t be taller than fourth graders. It was frightening to think that she was ever that small, ever that age. As she headed towards Gus’s car, she noticed Lyra waiting to get on the bus. Lyra, how could she have forgotten Lyra?

“Hey!” Cadence called out hugging her, asking her how she’d been. “I haven’t seen you in forever.”

The look Lyra gave her was that of disdain.

“Oh my gosh, you shaved your head. It looks marvelous.”

“Thank you,” Lyra replied running her hand through the stubble on her head, but Cadence could tell she didn’t really mean it.

“We didn’t hang out at all this summer.”

“That’s because you ditched me for Gus.”

“Hey, that’s not true,” Cadence claimed, but even as she said it, she couldn’t convince herself that it was true.

“Cadence, seriously, don’t waste my time this year.”

“I’m not following,” Cadence said worried what Lyra would say next, but curiosity getting the better of her.

“You’re cold and manipulative. You use people to get what you want. I don’t believe a word that you say, and frankly, I don’t have time for your fakeness this year or ever again. Your so-called friendship was nothing more than an illusion. You can consider this a goodbye,” Lyra said before stepping onto the bus.

Cadence walked away, failing miserably at hiding her tears, searching for Gus’s car. She couldn’t find it anywhere. In the midst of her frantic searching, the buses left. Gus’s car was nowhere to be found. She held her breath as she saw his car drive past without her, but she could tell someone else was occupying that passenger seat. She exhaled as she realized she was alone in the parking lot.

Fallen Leaves - Chapter 31: Walking in the Wind

Upon opening his eyes Kerass was yet again surprised to see that he wasn’t in the room he grew up in. He shook his head. He should be used to this by now, but for some reason three months hadn’t been enough time to get him used to his new surroundings. None of that mattered though. This was it. This very morning senior year would begin, a year he had been looking forward to since the first time he heard “Go home freshmen!” at the pep rallies, although because he could throw a cone-shaped leather ball, all the upper classmen had always been nice to him in that fake-nice way that irritated him like none other. What was he saying? He was now the upperclassman, not only that, he was a senior. The word felt strange, always on the tip of his tongue yet he couldn’t let it escape his lips for fear of what may come following the end of high school. But who was he kidding? He still had a year to go to figure all of his shit out. Most of the summer had been spent walking in the wind…alone, not that he was complaining, but he wasn’t exactly happy about it either. He just felt so confused.

His summer assignments had been completed ages ago. Typically he procrastinated until the week before, but ever since he was out of his father’s hands he didn’t feel the need to push against the system anymore. He wanted to enjoy his last summer in Oak Stream before his real life began inside a university, if he was lucky to get enough financial aid to attend. That was another thing that could be pushed off until later. He wanted to recapture some semblance of joy stepping into senior year, but he wasn’t sure if that was even possible.

After he had walked out of his mother’s funeral months before, he had assumed everything would’ve gone to pieces. But sometimes life had a way of working things out through unexpected people. Thankfully his father had given him the space he so desperately needed. Kerass couldn’t imagine ever talking to that man again. He had kept his promise of never stepping inside that godforsaken house again and he finally felt at peace distancing himself from the faith. He finally caught up on the rest he needed since he was able to sleep in on Sundays now, despite the fact the roommate kept going to the early service at 8 a.m., but at least it wasn’t his father’s church.

A knock at the door broke him from his thoughts. Good timing too since his heart raced as he felt his anger rising up, boiling inside of him at the thought of his father. He got up expecting to see his roommate who somehow always managed to forget his textbooks after heading off to one of his community college classes. He always remembered his key though, so who could it possibly be? Upon opening the door to his utter surprise he saw Mr. Baganz standing in the doorway.

“You forgot about our meeting, didn’t you?” Mr. Baganz said grimacing.

“No, I didn’t,” Kerass defended himself. He explained that his mind had wandered and he thought the meeting was supposed to be held in his office. “After school, you know? I didn’t expect to see you step up to my door.”

“So you want to wait until the end of the day?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“I’ll drive you to school?”

“Will you drive me back?”

“Yeah, of course,” Mr. Baganz assured him, patting him on the back.

Kerass was about to respond that that was fine when his phone rang interrupting his thought. Looking at the name he could tell that Jay was calling him...again.

“Do you need to get that?” Mr. Baganz asked.

Kerass ignored the call placing the phone back inside his pocket. “No.”



“You’re going to do it again, aren’t you?” Jay outright asked Jeremy as he buckled up his seatbelt on the drive to begin their senior year, annoyed Kerass ignored his call...again. Annoyed, but not at all surprised.

“You betcha,” Jeremy retorted.

“Why are you doing this?”

“Because it’s not a problem,” Jeremy defended himself. He continued explaining that he was perfectly aware of all of his surroundings at all times. “I thought you of all people would learn how to live a little dangerously.”

“Aha! So you just admitted to yourself that it’s dangerous.”

“No,” Jeremy shook his head. Clicking the radio on Jeremy smiled as the sounds of contemporary Christian ballad bullshit crossed the airwaves.

Rolling his eyes, Jay unbuckled his seatbelt and got out of the car. He was so tired of Jeremy making terrible, dangerous decisions that not only hindered him, but made him arrogant. Jay tried to calm his thoughts as he walked away from the car.

“Hey!” Jeremy honked his horn grabbing Jay’s attention enough to get him to turn around. Jeremy explained that he thought that Jay was ok with whatever station Jeremy chose in the morning. “The driver always picks, right?”

“That’s not what this is about and you know it. I need to walk,” Jay said turning around doing his best to ignore his friend who was on a slippery slope and didn’t have enough guts to even realize it, but the more he thought about it, the more it pissed him off, but to maintain peace, he just had to ignore it.

“If you don’t get in the car now you’re going to be late.”

“I don’t care,” Jay paused, “I’m a senior,” he added nonchalantly.

He decided in that moment that he was going to take the scenic route. The first day was always lame anyways. There were no homework assignments and all the teachers did was hand out the syllabus and read over it verbatim in class. His first class was study hall anyways, although he’d never admit that to Jeremy. If he was going to put an air of rebellion and danger in his driving, then Jay wanted to exude rebellion too, but on the sidewalk, off the road.

A honk broke him out of his thoughts. “Jeremy I said I wanted to walk! Why can’t you just-” Jay stopped midsentence. His father shrugged at him.

“It looked like you needed a ride.”

“I was fine walking.”

“You’re not going to be late for your senior year,” his dad responded. He continued saying that he wanted Jay to enjoy every minute of his last year of high school.

“All right,” Jay conceded. He really wasn’t cut out for rebelling anyways.

“Hop in.”



Closing her locker shut, proudly sporting her senior shirt (finally), Cadence was taken aback by Gus who was standing right beside her.

“Early again I see…” he trailed off.

“You can’t be that surprised,” she snarkily replied. She continued saying that she was shocked to see him early. “Wearing your senior shirt?” she asked bewildered. “Never thought I’d see the day.”

“Well, the design’s terrible, the tagline is atrocious and it doesn’t fit well, but at least it was free, so I’ll give them that.”

The tagline was atrocious, even Cadence could admit that. The tagline read: Freshmen fear us. Sophomores revere us. Juniors want to be us. It was such a crock. Freshmen had gotten shorter and a whole lot cockier since they were freshmen.

Freshmen year...it felt like a lifetime ago. Our Savior came to mind. What would have happened if she had stayed after she completed her freshmen year there? She wouldn’t have been able to stay in contact with Kerass, even though they hadn’t talked all summer. She never would’ve met Gus, both the greatest boyfriend and the greatest pain ever. Damien would’ve come out eventually and she was glad they weren’t dating while it happened, although she regretted everything about how she handled her dating situation or lack thereof sophomore year.

“You thinking about London again?” Gus asked.

Sometimes his persistence was too much, so irritating. His voice broke her train of thoughts crashing back to the reality of a situation she never wanted to share, least of all with Gus.

“No,” she practically spat at him.

“When are we gonna talk about it? You know we’ll need to address this at some point.”

“No, we don’t,” she shook her head determinedly, “because there’s nothing to discuss.”

“You can’t run away forever.”

“Not forever,” she said. She continued saying just until they would eventually break up if and when they went to different colleges.

“You’re not playing fair,” Gus whispered in her ear and then walked away.

She couldn’t tell if she had angered him, but she didn’t care. He had pried to a place that was so private, so painful that she didn’t know if she could trust him. If he knew the truth...well, she hoped she’d never have to find out.



Most of the drive had been silent. Mr. Baganz was technically no longer Kerass’s teacher, but it was still very odd to be sitting in his car watching the eerie quiet of Main Street breeze by. He hadn’t been anywhere near the town since he had moved in with his current roommate, who happened to live a half-hour out of town. No longer the 2-mile journey he had grown accustomed too near the end of junior year. He hadn’t driven in several months.

“How’s Bryce?” Mr. Baganz asked shattering the silence.

“You should know. You see him every Sunday,” Kerass replied bewildered that he was being asked about his roommate.

“I know I see him a lot, but I wanted to hear your take on things.”

“He’s good, I guess,” Kerass said not really caring. “I don’t know. He and I don’t talk much.”

“Does that bother you?”

“Well what do you think?” Kerass snidely snapped back.

“Just tell the truth. You’re not going to offend me.”

“I wish we talked more, but I’m happy to have my space,” Kerass said. He added that Bryce had been quite accepting of the fact that he didn’t desire talking about God.

“Where are you on that? I know at the beginning of the summer you had said you weren’t sure if you could fully say either way.”

Kerass sighed. Of course Mr. Baganz would ask him about his ‘relationship’ with God, he had to swallow spit at the very thought. Bryce gave him space because he was simply depressing to be around, Kerass glumly admitted to himself. If only he could force himself to feel better, but he just felt awful and he hoped his father felt the same way.

“I don’t know,” Kerass replied with finality. He didn’t want to discuss it now even though his mind was cranking through the various possibilities of a higher power.

“You going to try out for football again this year?” Mr. Baganz asked changing the subject.

“Yeah, of course,” Kerass said without a thought.

“You know you need a parent’s signature to join the team.”

The thought hadn’t even occurred to him. In order to be a part of the Oak Stream varsity football team, he’d need to have his father sign a release to let him play. He honestly believed things couldn’t get any worse.

“That’s not gonna happen.”

“I have a solution for you,” Mr. Baganz said as he pulled into the school parking lot.

Kerass’s mouth clenched as he saw his father standing on the school sidewalk.