Fallen Leaves - Chapter 48: I Want to Write You a Song

Kerass slowed his breathing in an attempt to calm himself down while he waited for Jay to reply. It had been so long since they had spoken directly it was hard for him to remember what Jay’s voice even sounded like. The moment Jay spoke, Kerass felt at peace talking to his oldest friend again.

“I know,” Jay replied. “You don’t have to say anything more. I’d love to help you out in any way I can.” He continued stating it had been far too long since they had talked.

“Yeah, I’ve been avoiding you because I didn’t want to face who I’d become.”

“Yep, like I said, you don’t have to say anything more.”

“Lyra, well I mean, she’s asked me to do something for her.”

“Wait, are you two dating?” Jay prodded.

“No,” Kerass couldn’t help but roll his eyes feeling privileged that Jay couldn’t see. “We’re just good friends. She wants me to sing her a song and well, I want it to be original, but I don’t have any musicality whatsoever. You’re artistically bent though, would you write me a song to sing to her?”

“I can’t write music. I can barely sing. I’m decent at best, but I can sell it up on that stage. You’re looking for a song though…what vibe, friendship, romance?”

“I’d like it to be romantic.”

“So there is something there, huh?” Jay replied his voice jumping up an octave.

“It can’t be anything, but I’m fine with just being the friend, really.”

“Well if you want romance, ain’t nothing more romantic than One Direction.”

“You would say that…”

“You bet. Nobody’s got anything on my boys. Anyway, there’s a song on the fifth album I think could really help you out.”

“What’s the name of it?”

“I’ll send it to you,” Jay stated.

Kerass waited while the song loaded and then he started to play it. It was the typical cookie-cutter boy band crap that he couldn’t stand, but for whatever reason he thought Lyra would love it. He couldn’t believe the words that came out of his mouth, “It’s perfect.”

“Don’t tell me you’re becoming a Directioner now.”

“Nah, I just think she’d flip for it.”

“Well, why don’t you practice on me?” Jay suggested blissfully.

“What?” Kerass asked incredulously.

“Pretend I’m Lyra and you’re surprising me with the song.”

Kerass really didn’t want to do this, but running it past someone as gay as Jay might not be the worst idea. “I want to write you a song.”

“Wanted,” Jay corrected.

“Want!” Kerass playfully yelled back agitated. “I still want to. No past tense. It’s not past tense yet.”

“All right, fine, continue.”

“I can’t write music though, as much as I’d want to. But here’s what I’ve come prepared with. Then I’d start singing,” Kerass informed Jay.

“Now that’s romantic.”

“Shut up, man,” Kerass replied a smile cracking his face. Reconnecting with Jay was one of the only things in his life that was giving him happiness and joy amidst Lyra’s sickness. He couldn’t believe he had ever allowed them to grow apart from each other. One thing was certain: he was glad that they had found each other again and he didn’t want to let that go.



Jeremy waited outside as the usual Droplet crew filed in congregating outside the building. Even though he was mentored by a guy in Droplet and had a girlfriend who attended Droplet, he still didn’t feel like he was fully one of the fam. There didn’t seem to be a way to fix that though. He was still only a lowly freshman.

All insecurities flew out of his mind as Jaden walked over to him.

“Listen,” she began. She stated she knew they were taking some time apart. “But I have something to tell you.”

“Just because we’re slowing down doesn’t mean we can’t talk to each other.”

“Pax recommended that I not share this with you, but I trust you and I believe the Lord wants me to tell you.”

“What is it?” Jeremy asked apprehensively.

“When I first dated you, it wasn’t because I wanted to. I just wanted to get back at Pax because he didn’t want me. But what I didn’t anticipate was that I would fall in love with you and that you helped me fall in love with God more deeply, more intimately.”

Jeremy looked away. He was stunned. Pax had been right all along. Completely disregarding everything that she said about falling in love with him anyways, he only focused on the fact that they started dating out of spite. It made him sick to his stomach.

“Jeremy?” Jaden asked, her voice shaking. “Jeremy, please say something.”

“Pax was right…” he sighed. “You shouldn’t have told me.”

He didn’t care how she reacted. What she had said, what she had done hurt him deeply. It shook him to his very core. He didn’t care how irrational or unforgiving his thoughts were, he never wanted to see or speak to her again.

Starting to run away from the meeting, he ran straight into Pax.

“Whoa, bud, watch where you’re going.”

“Can we talk?” Jeremy asked, panting.

“We can after. I have to stay now. Adam Reedy’s talking tonight. I gotta support him.”

“Whatever,” Jeremy said brushing past him.

“Hey!” Pax yelled grabbing Jeremy’s arm as he passed in front of him. “I support my friends. We will talk, just not now.”

“I know, I’m sorry.”

“Stay.”

“I can’t,” Jeremy said as he jerked his arm out of Pax’s grip. He felt bad about leaving Pax like that, but opting not to think on it, he ran until he was completely out of breath.



Rushing into Lyra’s hospital room, Kerass picked her up. Stunned, she smiled, her eyes twinkling. Neither said a word. The delight in her face said it all. Not a jailbreak, but a hospital break was something they both needed. Running whilst carrying her, they raced outside leaving the hospital, and in turn, all thoughts of the sickness behind.



Sitting down at a table outdoors, Cadence sat across from the man, the one who had caused her so much pain. She couldn’t believe the words coming out of her mouth, but she knew exactly what she was doing.

“I forgive you.”

“You do?” he responded flustered.

“Yes,” she nodded. She added that she could tell he had really changed. “I want to try again. You are more gentle now than ever and you actually asked for forgiveness.”

“I’ve asked before,” he said. “I’m seeking help, honestly, but I don’t think this is a good time for us to get back together, not until I’m better.”

“How long will that take…forever?”

“I hope not, but even having lunch with you in public…it just makes me uncomfortable.”

“Why can’t our love for each other be enough to fix this?”

“Let me think about it,” he sighed placing his hands over his face.

Grabbing his hands, she leaned across the table and kissed him on the lips.

“Say yes,” she whispered to him. “Take me back.”

“Yes,” he whispered in reply, caving in.

She knew then that nothing would ever be the same again. He had given her exactly what she wanted and she felt at complete peace having the upper hand in the relationship for the first time since they had begun dating.



“Where are you taking me to?” Lyra asked.

Kerass told her not to ruin the surprise. “It’ll all come in time,” he said. Holding her in his arms, her arms around his shoulders, he carried her up the mountain. He was beyond tired, the muscles in his arm aching, screaming at him to take a break, but his determination to get her back to that waterfall that they skinny-dipped in last year kept him moving. It was just a few steps away. He remembered everything about that day, the good and the bad. Recreating the day wasn’t on his mind, making new memories there was.

Within minutes he had made it. She gasped in surprise and delight. Kerass rolled his eyes. “When did you know this was where I was taking you? I mean, you can’t be that surprised.”

“Actually, I didn’t know until we arrived. My eyes never strayed away from you.”

Gently setting her down on her feet, they took a moment to survey the top of the mountain. Not a sound was made. They couldn’t even hear any creatures moving about. The place seemed undisturbed, holy even. The serenity surrounding the waterfall made the area seem sacred. It was exactly how Kerass had remembered it. He knew it was unlikely that no one else had been there since the day they had ditched the senior prom, but he didn’t care, he wanted to believe that no one else had disturbed this spot.

“Don’t you worry, your mom’s fine with this,” Kerass reassured her, shattering the silence.

“Really?” she asked sounding relieved.

“Yeah, the doctor’s approved it too. They said it would be good for you to spend time outdoors.”

“Good. I’m glad you cared enough to ok it with my mom. I haven’t been able to be as spontaneous recently, but I’m glad you let me think so for a few hours.”

A mischievous smirk crossed her face. She ran jumping, cannonballing in the water. Water splashed drenching Kerass, but he didn’t care. Within seconds he was running and jumping to join her. Fully clothed in the water, it didn’t matter, whatever made her happy made him happy.

Descending to the bottom of the river, Kerass kept his eyes open, looking to see if he could see any wildlife, but nothing was around. Kicking off the sandy bottom, he rushed to the top gasping for air. Nothing would disturb their peace.



Damien jogged around campus, Vance jogging alongside him. Things were right again. He didn’t incessantly talk about Kerass, who he didn’t have a crush on, he was determined. However, things were weird with Jay. The ashes from the fireplace may have caught spark again. He knew that wasn’t scientifically accurate, but he didn’t care, it sounded great in his mind. Vance hadn’t said a word the entire time they ran.

As they took a break to stretch, Damien asked, “What’s up, man?” He continued stating that he was never usually this quiet. “Is something wrong?”

“You know it,” Vance replied instantly. “You’re the first person I’m telling this to,” he said, his voice unsteady.

“You can say anything. There’s no judgment with me,” he reassured Vance.

“That guy, you know, the one that I knocked unconscious on the field?”

“The one in the coma?”

“Not anymore,” Vance said to the side. “I just read that he died.”

“Oh my god…” Damien bit his tongue. He didn’t know what to say. It was so horrible.

“The worst part is I know it’s my fault.”

“You had nothing to do with it!” Damien spat back at him, chastising him for looking down on himself.

“If I hadn’t been on that field that night, he’d still be alive today. I need reevaluate everything.”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying, I don’t think I believe in God anymore. How could God treat his people like this? How is it possible that I would be punished this way?”

“Do you need to take time off from Christianity, because if you do, again there’s no judgment. I did that.”

“You never came back.”

“So? There’s more paths to God than just through Christianity, than just through Jesus.”

“You don’t even believe in God anymore.”

“I don’t, but does that negate anything I’ve just said?”

“I’m not sure anymore.”

“Just try it. Try a week, a month away from Christianity because this guilt, it’s not from you, it’s from the church. I felt guilty about being gay at first, but I realized that wasn’t from me, it was from the teachings of my church. Make sense?”

“Yeah…” Vance trailed off. “I’m afraid.”

“There’s nothing to be afraid of. There’s loads of possibility out there. You just gotta explore all the options. I can almost guarantee if you do, you won’t stick with Christianity.”

“I’ll think about it,” Vance said.

Damien started running again and Vance followed suit. They didn’t talk again for the rest of the run. It was strange, but it did bother Damien that this reveal shook Vance’s faith. If Vance doubted God, then he didn’t believe anyone could live life fully believing in God. He felt more certain than ever that God didn’t exist.



Clearing his throat, Kerass laid down in the sun drying off. Lyra couldn’t stop laughing as she lay beside him. He was in complete bliss. Taking off his shirt, he tossed it aside on the sand. Standing up, he asked her if she was ready.

“Ready?” she asked. “For what?”

He replied stating it was time for him to fulfill her request. “I’m going to sing for you.”

“I can’t wait,” she whispered.

“See I want to write you a song, but I’m not musically inclined. I think you may recognize this one though,” he said. Taking a deep breath, he began singing If I Could Fly by One Direction.

Pouring his heart out, he sang completely off key, had multiple key changes, and simply, in his mind, butchered what was a beautiful ballad. He locked eyes with her the entirety of the piece, his eyes never straying for a second. He watched as her eyes welled up. Everything in him wanted to go to her, to stop the song and wipe away her tears, but he stayed true to the performance. Her response revealed that it didn’t matter how awful of a singer he was, she wanted to just hear his voice. The moment he ended, she applauded, cheering him.

“That was breathtaking.”

“Stop it,” he said aside.

“I’m serious, considering you know you don’t have the talent to carry a tune, it took a lot of guts for you to stand here and sing to me.”

“I guess so…” Kerass said lacking confidence.

Standing up, she went over to him, placing her hand on his face, caressing it, she said, “Thank you.”

Taking her hand off his face, she grabbed his hand and led him to the edge of the water. He followed without question.

“I don’t know if there’s a more beautiful spot in the whole world,” she said tearing up.

“We could stay up here, if you’d like. You’re not expected back at the hospital until tomorrow.”

“Yes,” she breathed. “Let’s spend the night up here. There’s no one I’d rather be here with than you.”

“Are you telling me you love me?” Kerass asked trepidatiously.

“You know I do. There’s no reason to hide it anymore. My only regret is I didn’t tell you sooner. We would’ve had so much more time together. I’ve always loved you, Kerass.”

“Come here,” he told her, grabbing her hand he drew her toward him. For the first time he did what he had wanted to do for over a year, he kissed her on the lips.

Reassuring her, he said, “We’ve got plenty of time left.”

“Lie with me?”

“Are you sure you want to?” he asked gently.

“I don’t want to sleep with you, but I want you to hold me, to lay beside me, while I sleep tonight.”

Nodding, he followed her lead as she lay down on the sand. Lying beside her, he placed his arm around her, holding her close. His hand felt her stomach as it went up and down as she breathed. It didn’t take long after he closed his eyes to fall asleep. His mind wandered as he dreamed. He dreamed of being with Lyra, marrying her, having children with her, growing old with her. It went in slow motion. He saw all of his friends present at the wedding. His father was even there. The ceremony was beautiful. He couldn’t make it through the whole ceremony without crying. He saw the birth of their first-born son. He saw their three boys running around the house, toying with each other. Lyra’s beauty never faded. Soon after he saw the kids grow up and get married on their own. He saw all the grandkids, but most importantly he saw Lyra and him standing by each other through it all. He saw his life as he wanted it to be and it was a good dream. He thought of nothing else that night than the dream of his life with her.



Opening her eyes, Lyra saw the sun rising, cresting through the trees. She had neglected to tell Kerass that today was her birthday. She had done it.

“I made it,” she whispered to herself. “I’m an adult. I’m 18.”

Taking in the sun’s rays she felt she had accomplished everything she had set out to do. This was it. She could tell the Lord was calling her home. Preparing herself to meet God, she exhaled and breathed her last.



When Kerass woke up the following morning he heard creatures rustling about across the sand, in their space. Something had changed. The space was no longer peaceful to him. Her stomach was no longer moving up and down. He instantly realized that Lyra was gone.

Fallen Leaves - Chapter 47: Half a Heart

Cadence stared at him, the man who had caused her so much harm. Glaring at him, she tried with one look to make him feel the pain he had put her through. His eyes seemed different. They seemed warm and welcoming.

“Please, Cadence,” he pleaded quietly.

Nothing needed to be said. She closed the door again and walked away. There was no banging on the door or more begging for her to take him back. She didn’t need to look to see if he had left. She didn’t care. The answer would forever be no.



Picking up the phone, Kerass knew he had to make the decision. He had thought he wasn’t strong enough, that he didn’t respect her enough. Yet once she told him to choose between her and a friend, granted a female friend, who was dying the answer was obvious. It was still hard and painful, but there was no way of getting around it.

Going to her name on his contacts list and purposefully selecting phone call to avoid seeing her face over FaceTime, he heard the phone ring once before she picked up.

“Kerass,” Jez breathed. “I hadn’t heard from you in three days. I was beginning to think you wouldn’t call.”

“Yeah…I was wondering when I would myself,” he breathed. He told her he was sorry it had taken so long.

“We usually FaceTime. Why just a phone call today?” she asked, apprehension in her voice.

Kerass cleared his throat. “God, this is so hard.”

“You don’t have to say it.”

“No, no, I, I do. You made me choose.”

“I know,” she replied, her voice shaking.

“I choose Lyra and the saddest part is she’s just a friend. I wanted to be with you, but I can’t turn my back on my friends. Not anymore.”

“I’m sorry I ever asked you. I’m not myself without you. I’m only half a heart. Please forgive me,” she begged crying.

“I, I can’t,” he stated with finality. He felt alive sticking up for himself. He didn’t wait for her to reply. “Goodbye, Jez,” he said under his breath and instantly hung up the phone.



Jeremy smiled as Jaden walked slowly towards him. She grabbed his hand and leaned forward to kiss him. He gently shook his head.

“Not today, Jaden,” he replied nervously.

He averted eye contact. She placed her hand on his face and turned it to meet her eyes. “Talk to me, please. We can work it out, but you have to be honest with me.” She concluded stating she at the very least deserved that.

“I think we need to slow down.”

“You want to break up with me?” she replied surprisingly stoic.

“No, just turn it down a few notches. I love you. You teach me things and delight in me. I don’t want to lose that, but when I’m around you all the time, I lose God. That’s not ok with me.”

“It shouldn’t be. God should always be number one.”

“I want to cut back on kissing.”

“That’s fine,” she instantly agreed.

“It takes me down a thought path that I can’t seem to get out of. I want you, so much, but if I lose God in the process, that just…I can’t even consider that.”

“I’m not asking you to lose God over me. That’s the last thing I want. I want your relationship with God to grow because we’re together.”

“I feel the same way.”

“What if instead of dinner every night, we only do one night, Saturday night? That way you can spend time with Pax and your other bros in Droplet.”

“Hmm…that’d be really good actually.”

Jaden nodded. “I need my sisters too. I’ve been neglecting them for you.”

“I never asked you to do that.”

“I know. We’ll make it through this, promise,” she replied.

She leaned forward to kiss him, but mid-way Jeremy saw in her eyes she remembered what they just talked about. She opened up her arms and hugged him. He couldn’t help but hug her right back. It felt natural and true. With that one act alone, he no longer felt guilty about his relationship with Jaden.



Logging onto Skype, Jay wiped his brow. He had just finished a jog around campus. His heart pounding, and not simply from the run, he looked over his contact list. Damien was away. Jay ran his hand through his hair. Had he forgotten about their Skype call? A moment later, the yellow circle became green.

Jay hovered over Damien’s name ready to pounce, itching to begin the call, but he froze. He didn’t want to appear too desperate. Next moment he realized he was being called.

Instantly accepting the call, he smiled as he saw Damien pop up on his laptop screen.

“Hey!” they both shouted at each other simultaneously.

“It’s good to see you,” Jay began. He had stated he had missed him.

“You know we talked last week, right?” Damien observed.

“Yeah, I know, but it doesn’t make it any less true.”

Damien smiled. “That’s sweet, Jay. Thanks for that. I missed you too.”

“Have you had a good week?” Jay asked curiously, but withholding his true question.

“Yeah, it was great, but that’s not what you want to ask me, is it?”

Jay exhaled avoiding eye contact. “No, not fully,” he timidly admitted.

“Why don’t you just say it? It’s not like we have to keep secrets from each other.”

“It’s just really awkward, ok?”

“So?” Damien chastised flabbergasted.

Letting go of his self-doubt and fears with one exaggerated sigh, Jay said, “I think there can still be something between us, more than friends.”

“You’re asking me to start dating you again?” Damien gingerly asked.

“No, not fully at least. See, I’m in college now. I don’t want to wait anymore. We’re friends, good friends, great friends. I thought, maybe, since we trust each other, you could be my first time.”

“Wow, and you’re asking me this post-dating,” Damien laughed. “You were right to be hesitant man, that’s one hell of a weird question.”

Jay tried to avoid eye contact. He felt torn. He wanted the answer to be yes because he did trust Damien and he felt Damien would be very sweet, but it would also change the friendship dramatically. Even though he said it wouldn’t, he knew deep down that sex created a completely new dynamic that he wasn’t sure how it would affect their friendship. The part that treasured his friendship with Damien hoped and begged that the answer would be no.

“It’s a sweet offer, Jay, and I know you mean it that way. It’s hella weird, but sweet. Look, I’m going to say no, but not for the reasons you think. See, I know I’m gay and all, but I still hold a very traditional view of marriage.”

“Wait, what?” Jay asked bewildered.

“I’m saving myself until marriage. I’m going to be a virgin until my wedding night.”

Jay was floored. He didn’t know any homosexual still believed in traditional marriage values. It was beautiful, enticing, and romantic, but he didn’t know if he could wait the way Damien was convicted to.

“You’ve got a choice,” Damien offered. “I agree, I think there’s something really unique, really special between us, but I’m not going all the way until the wedding night. If you’re willing to wait with me, I’d love to date you again. If not, and there’s no judgment if you can’t, we’ll still be friends. I just can’t do what you’ve asked me too.”

Jay breathed deeply. He knew a year ago he felt everything between him and Damien was over, but with Lyra being terminally ill and Damien being so sweet and consistent in his life, he couldn’t imagine his life without him. Could he date him? He felt like he could have a future with Damien, but he was tired of waiting. Gil would give him a temporary fling and sure it’d be fun, but he didn’t see them sustaining long term. He felt torn about it.

“I hate to cut this short, but I’ve just gotta think,” Jay admitted.

“Take your time,” Damien reassured him, waving goodbye to him as Jay shut his laptop screen.



Kerass felt his heart pounding as he saw Lyra lying down in the hospital bed. She was filled with so much joy. A smile burst through her like sunbeams cascading through the clouds.

They exchanged the briefest of pleasantries. Kerass asked her how she was doing, but she didn’t answer. He felt they weren’t even listening to each other, just delighting in each other’s presence.

“I’ve got something for you,” she stated ecstatically.

“I’d love to see it.”

“Hear it,” she corrected him.

Kerass backtracked stating he would be overjoyed to hear it. “I’m all ears.”

“This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends. You are My friends if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you. It’s from John 15, verses 12-15. By the way, it’s the New American Standard Bible, my favorite biblical translation,” Lyra whispered at the end.

“Well, that translation is certainly patriotic.”

Lyra beaming replied, “You’re funny.”

“Why’d you share that with me?”

“Because whenever I read that passage, my favorite part of scripture, the Holy Bible, I think of you. You are a great friend, Kerass, and you don’t even see it,” she said, her voice husky.

He wiped a tear from his face. He didn’t want her to see how emotional her words had made him.

“Don’t hide your face from me. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. Crying shows honesty. I love when people are honest with me.”

“I’m sorry,” Kerass whispered in reply. “You shouldn’t have to see me like this. It’ll only bring you down.”

“No,” Lyra shook her head. “It only emphasizes how close we truly are.”

“Your words are beautiful.”

“It’s not me who speaks to you, it’s God.”

He tried his best to not roll his eyes. She was truly genuine, but he just felt like he was being preached at. It was the sacrifice he had to make being around her.

“Kerass, I want to leave you my Bible after I pass away.”

“Why?”

“I want you to read it. I pray every day for you to come back to faith.”

“Why don’t you pray for yourself to get better?” he asked, pain laden in his voice.

“Because your salvation is more important than my health.”

“I didn’t think you were religious.”

“I stumbled when I first found out I was sick. I avoided God altogether, but He found me and I slipped right back in.”

“I’ll never understand you.”

“Good, that’ll keep you around to ask more questions. Will you do another favor?”

“I haven’t said yes to the first one.”

“No, but you will. I know you’ll respect my wishes, at least on that end.”

“What’s the other favor?” he asked averting attention from the previous request.

“I want you to sing me a song.”

“What? But I can’t sing.”

“It doesn’t matter. I want to hear your voice.”

“What song?”

“Any,” she breathed. “One that encapsulates our friendship.”

Kerass nodded. The two requests didn’t seem linked at all, but if they were her dying wish to him, he would make sure he would sing as loud as he could to please her.

“What’s your ultimate hope? It sounds like you’ve already given up the fight.”

“No, but it’s unlikely,” she replied. “I’m just trying to be realistic about this. I’d feel completely at peace if I became an adult.”

“If you turned 18?” Kerass filled in the blank.

She smiled. “You read my mind. I don’t know why that’s so important to me. I just want to become legal, to complete childhood before I die.”

Kerass felt his face change composure. Tears welling up, he was incapable of hiding it now. Hearing her talk, seeing her on that bed broke his heart into a million pieces. Not only did he commit himself to sing to her, but he would do anything to get her out of that hospital bed at least once more to take her back to where she felt most at home: in nature.



Jaden took a deep breath. Pax was sitting on the bench in the midst of the three giant evergreens. Their friendship had taken a turn in this spot years ago and she had avoided it ever since, but he must have found serenity in it.

Kneeling down she hugged him from behind. He grabbed her arms and held them there. Glad he didn’t push her away, she let go and sat down beside him.

“You should be very proud of your boy,” Jaden broke the ice. She continued stating that it was very brave of him to come to her like that.

“Who? Jeremy?”

“Yeah,” she nodded. “He really loves the Lord.”

“You do too, Jaden. I know that.”

“You were right though.”

“Meaning what?” he asked.

“I started dating Jeremy to get back at you.”

“Punishing me by hurting Jeremy is only going to hurt you, not me.”

“I agree, and I’m totally fine with you and Maddie by the way. I don’t know it just, the whole age gap thing caught me by surprise.”

“It did for me too, but we didn’t start dating until 2 years after she left our campus. That was how I knew it was real. Distance didn’t really matter. I just wanted to be with her. She helps me get closer to God.”

“I’m sure you do the same,” Jaden added smiling.

“We help each other,” he paused. “She misses you, you know?”

“She didn’t seem that sentimental.”

“Then you don’t remember her best friend, River?”

“Professor Getachew?”

Pax raised his eyebrows. “Yeah, they’ve known each other since they were in college.”

“Has she kept up with him?”

“Honestly, no, but that’s as much on him as it is on her. I believe they’ll find each other again.”

“Is he competition?”

“Remember he’s not a believer.”

“You don’t know that.”

“As far as I know, that’s not a problem. Mad’s talked to me about their friendship. It was never sexual at all. They wanted to be around each other, as friends. Sure there some kinetic spark, but it wasn’t romantic at all. I’ll be straight with you, we haven’t kissed yet.”

“Really?” she replied inquisitively, yet sensitively.

“Yeah, that thought path takes me to sinful, lustful places. To avoid that, we don’t kiss.”

“How do you keep the romance alive?”

“I write love letters to her.”

“Now that’s beautiful.”

“Thank you,” he responded placing his hand on her shoulder, gently gripping it.

Nervous as to how clingy the question sounded in her mind, she held her breath. What was the point in questioning their friendship? They cared for each other.

“Do you need to split with my boy Jeremy?” he asked breaking her train of thought.

“No,” she shook her head. “My intentions in starting to date him were wrong, but I found myself falling for him and his love for the Lord. I think we haven’t helped each other grow in the Lord, but I think that can change. I want that to change.”

“Good, I’m glad.”

“Should I tell him?”

“I wouldn’t risk it. Remember, he’s still a stupid freshman. It’d be crushing to him.”

“Maybe you’re right,” she averted eye contact. She really wanted to tell Jeremy so their relationship could be completely open and honest, but Pax did have a point. There wasn’t a problem right now as they were working things out and if she mentioned it, things could completely derail.

Striking up the courage, she changed the subject and asked the question she had been afraid to ask before, “Do you think we’ll be like Maddie and River?”

“No,” he shook his head, “we’ll be better. We’re brother and sister.”



Cadence walked into her mother’s bedroom. Her mother was working late that night. She didn’t trust anyone else, she couldn’t. Opening the drawer on the nightstand, she saw that it was still there. The light on the nightstand glinted on the barrel of the gun. Opening the revolver, she confirmed it was fully loaded. Picking it up, she carried it with her out of her mother’s bedroom.



The phone rang twice. Kerass swallowed, trying to calm himself down. Damien picked up on the third ring. Breathing a sigh of relief, Kerass found himself starting to tear up. Damien had been so good, so faithful to him as a friend, and he had continuously pushed Damien away.

“I’ve been terrible to you,” Kerass said, he voice shaking through tears.

“You don’t have to say it,” Damien said. He went on to say that all was forgiven.

“Please,” Kerass begged. “Just let me get this out.” When he heard silence on the other end, he knew he was allowed to continue. “I viciously attacked you verbally, especially regarding your sexuality.”

“It’s not the first time I’ve heard that,” Damien reassured him gingerly.

“I know, but you should never hear that from a friend. I hope we’re still friends, if you’ll have me.”

“Oh, Kerass, throw all your doubts away about that. We’ll always be friends, a verbal smack down ain’t gonna change that.”

“You are a real man, Damien and a real friend. I broke up with Jez. You were right all along, I just couldn’t see it until she made me choose.”

“Will you listen to me next time?”

“I’ll try to.”

“Trust our friendship. We’ll get through this. Now wipe away your tears. This is a happy moment as you’ve taken care of yourself by getting away from an abusive person who was suppressing you.”

“You’re right,” Kerass said feeling lighter already.

“I’m gonna need to go though, bud. We’ll talk again soon. Promise me you’ll call again.”

“You got it,” Kerass said cracking a smile before he hung up. Breathing a sigh of relief, he checked his voicemail. Jay’s name stared at him. He had neglected to listen to it for far too long. Pressing play, he held the phone to his ear, and listened.

“Hey, uh, Kerass, I know we haven’t talked in forever. I’m just gonna keep this short and sweet. I still care for you deeply. I know our friendship hasn’t been the way it was for years and maybe we’ll never get back to that, but perhaps we’ll become something different, something better. I’ll always be here for you. Call me at anytime and I’ll answer. That’s a promise.”

He trusted their friendship. They would make it through his distancing. Sure, Jay had brought up the whole college thing to his father. No longer pissed about that, he felt genuinely grateful. He knew he had the chance to live and he wanted to take advantage of all that life had in store.

He called Jay, taking a deep breath. Jay picked up after the first ring. “I’m sorry,” Kerass stated solumly. “I need your help.”

Fallen Leaves - Chapter 46: Little Things

The park was deserted. Snow blanketed the grass. The tree branches were iced over. Jeremy could see his breath. He held out his quavering hand. Jaden took it. They tried to keep each other’s hands warm, but they felt so cold. It was well below freezing. It seemed romantic to walk in the park with the snow. Jaden had showed him a movie, Love Story, where the couple played in the snow together. It was so bad and cliché that Jeremy had to bite his tongue from laughing at every line, but it was important to Jaden, so he suffered through it. He wanted to recreate that moment for her.

He stepped off the path and fell down in the snow, which comforted his fall. Jaden raised one eyebrow staring at him. He started making a snow angel, laughing uncontrollably. There was nothing funny about it, so he wasn’t sure why he was laughing, but he couldn’t bring himself to stop. He grabbed her hand and she came down toward him, leaning her head on his shoulder. He placed snow on her nose. They both stood up pushing the snow around, attempting to make waves unsuccessfully in the park. She threw a snowball at his face. He winced. His face felt like it would never be warm again. She rushed over to him, grabbed his hand with one hand and held his face with another. She kissed him.

“Did that make it better?” she asked gently.

“Loads,” Jeremy nodded.

“Jeremy, I love that you wanted to you know recapture the magic of Love Story with this, but I’m freezing. Can we head back to campus and just stay inside?” Jaden asked, her teeth chattering.

“Oh, Jaden, I love you. Let’s get out of here,” Jeremy replied.

Letting go of each other’s hands, they placed their hands in their pockets in an attempt to warm up. Jaden handed him an extra pair of gloves that she had brought. They were bright pink. It took Jeremy a moment before he caved and accepted the pair. It truly was very sweet, but he never wanted to be seen in pink…ever.

“Oh, Jaden…” he sighed, apologizing he told her he had forgotten. “I’ve got mentorship time with Pax during lunch today. I can just cancel.”

“No!” she blurted out at him. “It’s totally fine. I know you need that time. He’s having trouble accepting us as a couple, so just be gentle with him. It’s a rough transition for him.”

“You know I could choose a different mentor,” Jeremy suggested.

“He’s my friend and he’s your friend too. We can’t do that to him. He’ll come around. I promise,” she said with finality.

They walked the rest of the way back to campus as quickly as they could in silence.



Sitting on the bench beside Gil, Jay couldn’t help but smile at him. Gil looked at him inquisitively. Jay couldn’t explain why he looked at Gil so longingly. He didn’t want to date him and Gil definitely wasn’t the most attractive guy around, but he was comfortable. He trusted Gil.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Gil asked.

“Well,” Jay began. He stated that it was difficult to say. “I’m afraid it’ll get weird between us if I tell you…”

“What have I told you before?”

“As long as we’re honest with each other we’ll always be friends.”

“Exactly. Why do you doubt that?” Gil challenged him.

Jay shook his head. He wasn’t sure why, but he let it slip out. “You know I’m a virgin, right?”

“What? You and Damien…never?”

“No.”

“Why?” Gil asked floored.

“It never seemed right at the time. We trusted each other…for a while. It just never got to the next stage.”

“I’m impressed that having come out when you did in high school that you remained pure. It’s commendable, shows a lot of character.”

“I guess…” Jay trailed off. “Look, I just want to get it over with. I mean, we’re not going to be together with the person we lose our virginity to. I just don’t think in today’s world that’s a feasible option.”

“It’s the ultimate romance, isn’t it? But like you said, those romances aren’t a reflection of true life.”

“I was wondering if we could, just as friends, you know…”

Gil’s eyes lit up. “You want to?”

“Yeah, I mean the timing needs to be right and everything, but I do. I want my first time to be with a friend, with someone I trust.”

“Wow,” Gil exhaled. “I don’t what to say, but I’m honored that you thought of me. I want to say yes, but only if it’s what you really want. You always seemed to me to be someone more interested in a love connection than a body connection. It seems like you’re rushing into something that you might regret. Let’s give it time, ok? If you still want to by the end of the semester, we’ll do it.”

“All right, that’s fair,” Jay sighed feeling dejected.

“Don’t worry, this didn’t effect our friendship in any way,” Gil reassured him as he walked off to his dorm room.

Jay’s eyes widened like saucers when he saw Gus walking past him on campus. He couldn’t force his mouth to speak. Jumping off the bench, sprinting to catch up, he grabbed his arm and turned him around.

“Can I help you?” Gus asked floored, but his eyes said everything. He recognized him mid-question. “Jay, I had forgotten you were going to Evergreen Forest.”

“Gus, wha-, what are you doing here?”

“I sent in the transfer at the end of last semester and they accepted me.”

“Why did you want to transfer? Didn’t you like KNSU?”

Gus hesitated, exhaling. “The classes were aight, but I missed my friends.”

“That’s sweet, but I don’t buy that. You were always more of Kerass’s friend than mine.”

“Well, me and Kerass fought some at first, but I’ll give you that.”

“Why didn’t you transfer to Dowden Terrace?”

“Because Kerass isn’t there. He deferred a semester. I didn’t want to do that and I just needed people who truly knew me. KNSU was all about prestige. I was there on scholarship. I was never invited to anything, but that wasn’t the main reason I left. The classes didn’t stimulate me.”

“And you think that Evergreen Forest can achieve that?” Jay asked flabbergasted.

“No, but my friends can. Friendship just wasn’t going to happen at KNSU. It wasn’t in my cards. Plus Evergreen’s got the better nursing school.”

“Ok, then. Want to grab lunch?”

“After class. You’ve already made me 5 minutes late.”

“Fine. I’ll see you in a bit.”

“Yeah, I’d love to hear how things are with you, but I gotta run. I’ll meet you in the cafeteria in 45 minutes,” Gus said before walking away.

Jay had never really gotten to know Gus before, but was looking forward to it. He seemed very accepting and oddly loving. That was never the way he had pictured him in high school. Either he had changed, or he had never truly seen the real Gus before. It might be best to avoid the dating subject altogether.



Sitting down in the student center, Jeremy smiled at Pax. The morning had been wonderful and he didn’t want to meet up for mentorship, but Pax had been so great to him earlier in the fall semester. He wasn’t going to forget that.

“It’s been a while,” Jeremy said in an attempt to shatter the silence.

“Yeah, we haven’t had time to sit down since before Thanksgiving break. How’s everything going?” Pax prodded.

“My math class has been quite difficult this semester.”

“You doing the homework?”

“Not really.”

“And whose fault is that?”

“Mine,” Jeremy sheepishly replied.

Pax snickered. “It’s an easy fix. Just do it. You’re a hard worker, I’m sure you can pick it up again.”

“I need to, but I’m struggling to get with it.”

“Why’s that?” Pax asked gingerly.

“I’m a little distracted by some things…” Jeremy trailed off.

“Is this a girl thing?”

Jeremy nodded. He continued saying things had gotten tough since he and Jaden started dating. “I mean, she’s awesome and everything, but I just can’t seem to find the time for school anymore.”

“Hmm…” Pax groaned.

“You’re mad, aren’t you?”

“No. It’s your decision, but I had just hoped that since you did so well last semester you would’ve kept it up with this one, that’s all. I’m not mad, and I’m not upset. Disappointed, yeah, but you can still turn it around.”

“I guess so.”

“How’s everything going with God?”

“I haven’t prayed or read my Bible in months.”

“That’s not the only way to spend time with God.”

“It’s not?” Jeremy asked inquisitively.

“No, sure that’s a way we all can connect with God, but for some people it’s singing songs, writing poetry, walking in the woods, relishing His creation. Sure, I want you to be spending time in the Bible but I also want you to delight in Him. That’s something we can explore together.”

“How I most experience joy with God?”

“Exactly.”

Jeremy sighed. He didn’t want to share what had just come to mind, but Pax was very forgiving. He didn’t want to hear what he knew Pax would tell him, yet he knew he needed to hear it. “The truth is, ever since I’ve been going out with Jaden, I’ve been neglecting time with God.”

“Dating is a distraction for you, then?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m not going to tell you what to do, but if dating Jaden is causing distance between you and God, I think it’d be best to slow things down at the very least or question whether this is a relationship you’re supposed to have.”

“I knew you would say that,” Jeremy replied annoyed.

“Did you want me to tell you everything’s fine, when it isn’t? I see a problem. God can fix it, but you have to be willing to let go.”

“You’ve never been thrilled by me and Jaden.”

“No, I haven’t but that hasn’t clouded my advice to you, nor will it affect our friendship on my end.”

“I know…” Jeremy stoically stated averting eye contact.

“Then what are you concerned about?”

“I’m not concerned. I…I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for pushing you away when I started dating Jaden. That wasn’t fair to you. I should’ve trusted you,” he stated tearing up.

“Hey, it’s all forgiven. There’s nothing to worry about. I’m sorry though, I’m going to have to cut us short as I’ve got an introduction I need to write for my research paper.”

“When’s it due?”

“In three hours.”

“You’ll get it done,” Jeremy reassured him.

“You know it. We’ll find a time for next week. I’ll see you at Droplet later tonight.”

“You bet,” Jeremy responded bidding him farewell. That had been the most life-giving conversation he had since the semester began. He had no more doubts how much Pax cared for him.



“So do you have a guy in your life?” Gus asked.

Jay bit his tongue as he sat down in a peach-colored booth in the cafeteria. Jay shook his head. “No, not exactly,” he paused. He told Gus that things were complicated.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Hold on,” Jay responded, his voice jumping up an octave. “How do you know I’m gay? I never told you that.”

“The whole school knew. You told enough people. It’s not like you were hiding it or anything, right?”

“Yeah, but I just wanted to be the one to tell you.”

“I’m sorry. There’s nothing to worry about though. We’re cool,” Gus reassured him.

“I guess I just thought you never noticed me.”

“We were never in the same class together, granted. I know you solely by association, but I’m hoping that can change.”

Jay nodded. “I’d like that.”

“You seem really forgiving, Jay, really accepting. Honestly, I need more people like you in my life. I’m caring for so many others that there’s not really anyone I can equally share with.”

“Not even Kerass?”

“I was hoping we could, but he’s a little distracted by his new girlfriend.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard.”

“You reached out?”

“You know I have,” Jay replied to the side avoiding eye contact.

“He replied back?”

Jay shook his head.

“I figured as much. Listen, I just really need someone to hear me now. A peer. I can always talk to Uncle Jake, but it’s just different, you know?”

“I’d love to listen to you,” Jay stated patting him on the shoulder. He breathed deeply. Focusing so much on himself, it was a delight to be there for someone else, someone who wanted him to listen. All thoughts of his current plight in embracing who he truly was vanished as he zeroed in on Gus’s needs.

“Well, where to begin?” Gus began.

Jay got lost as Gus told him his story about his father and how he never knew who he was. It sounded all too familiar to the story of his birth mother. Perhaps they could truly be close friends after all.



Sitting in his car outside Lyra’s house, Kerass tried to end the phone call with Jez amicably.

“I don’t want you to see her anymore,” she told him. She stated something else about how hurt she was, but truthfully he zoned out for the next minute.

“I’m not dating her!” he yelled cutting her off. There was an abrupt silence. “I’m dating you,” he continued. “I gave you myself, my everything. Why isn’t that good enough for you? Why can’t you trust me with her? She’s dying, Jez! She needs me and not in a romantic way.”

“You’re spending too much time with her and it’s got to stop, Kerass. You have to make a decision. It’s her or me,” Jez replied bitterly.

“Whatever,” Kerass said hanging up on her. How she irritated him so, the spiteful…he stopped himself as he didn’t want Lyra to see him so angry. She’d only tell him to go and be with Jez. She was so selfless. No, he wouldn’t think on Jez now.

Stepping out of the car, he saw the door open for him. Julia stepped out to greet him. Rushing at him, she hugged him, gripping his shirt crumpling the back of it into a ball in her fist.

“What was that for?” Kerass asked breaking the hug.

“For being here,” she said wiping a tear from her left eye.

Side hugging her, they walked up to the door. She stopped him before they stepped inside. “She’s doing all right today,” Julia reassured him. She continued saying that she wasn’t doing as well. “It’s just all the little things about her. I love her, but it’s so hard. Can we talk after it’s all over?”

“I want your negative attitude to remain here. Don’t take it into the house with you,” Kerass slowly replied lowering his voice.

Julia didn’t reply. Kerass hugged her apologizing. “We’ll talk, I promise, but just not now.”

As they stepped inside the house, Kerass looked at Lyra, who had tubes around her body, in her nose. She smiled at him, calling out his name. Walking over to her, rolling his feet to soften the sound. He caressed her cheek and kissed her forehead.



There was a pounding at the door. Cadence left the deadbolt in for fear of who she would see. She could only use her right arm as her left was broken. Bandages were all around her as she had bruised ribs too. Her mother was out at work, so she felt unprotected, vulnerable. Being at her mothers house again, home, was comforting, but she held her breath in fear. Opening the door, she saw him.

“I,” he choked, breaking down into a sob. “I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry.”

“You did this to me,” Cadence acidly responded through gritted teeth.

“I know it. I’ll never do it again. I want you back. What do you say?”

Cadence exhaled.

Fallen Leaves - Chapter 45: Girl Almighty

Kerass stared at Lyra, the girl that pushed him away. She stood before him like nothing had happened over the past 6 months. He tried his best to not yell at her. “Why are you here?” he asked bitterly.

“I need to explain why I pushed you away and I just needed to know that you’re ok,” Lyra replied.

“I’m fine, better than fine actually. I’m great, no thanks to you.”

“I guess I deserve that,” she conceded. “Why aren’t you at Oak Stream over the holiday?”

“I don’t need to answer that. I’m seeing someone else, so if you’re trying to get me back you’re too late.”

“It’s not that,” Lyra shook her head. “This would’ve been so much easier had you been home over the break. You deserve an explanation. If I could go back and change the way I reacted I would, but I can’t and time’s running short.”

Kerass told her she wasn’t making any sense. “What are you saying exactly?”

“I’m dying.”



Cadence heard a knock at the door. He couldn’t possibly be home yet. The day would be much more difficult if that were true. Upon opening the door, she saw Gus standing before her.

“Oh my god…” Cadence whispered. “What are you doing here?”

“Am I allowed in?” Gus asked.

“No,” Cadence said closing the door, but Gus’s hand prevented it from being shut.

“We need to talk.”

Cadence asked him what there was to talk about. “I have a new man. There’s nothing left to say.”

“Yes there is. Did you read my note?”

Cadence bit her tongue. Hesitating, she said, “I have and it doesn’t change a thing.”

“I’m sorry to here that, but it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t change that I’ll be here for you. This guy is bad news.”

“How do you know?” Cadence challenged him.

“It’s simple really, you avoid talking about it. That’s proof enough.”

“I don’t need you to save me.”

“I know. You’re stronger than you think you are. You can do this, but if he threatens you I can help.”

“I want to leave, Gus, but I can’t. I love him.”

“I know that if I forced you to leave you’d go right back to him. You need to commit to stay away from him, not me. You’ve made your decision. The door is always open to talk, but from now on, you’re going to be the one instigating,” Gus said sternly, but with a gentleness to his voice. He left without saying goodbye.

Cadence walked into the bedroom. She pushed away the covers off the side of the bed. Lifting the mattress, she looked at the note that Gus had written to her. It remained unopened.



Kerass led Lyra around campus showing her the fountains, the volleyball field, the auditorium. She seemed intrigued by it all. They discussed everything except themselves. She seemed to light up whenever he showed her another part of the campus. Two words changed everything. The past forgiven and forgotten was nothing more than a distant memory. Neither said a word about why she was there, avoiding the subject altogether.

Lyra had brought a camera. Kerass rolled his eyes as she took a picture of every corner of campus. Eventually she handed the camera to him and told him he needed to take pictures of her on a college campus. She dressed the part: putting on a bathrobe with a backpack slung across one shoulder. It looked like she had been on campus all semester. She ran inside to his dorm to do a quick change in the bathroom. She put on a yellow dress, a white dress, a black dress, and a tie-dye campus t-shirt tucked into blue jeans. That was all before 11. They still had more outfits to take pictures with for the afternoon. Every picture had her beaming, but Kerass felt that she was hiding. He didn’t want to force the subject, but he felt they needed to. He determined he would talk to her about it over lunch.



Pax laid on his bed. It felt good to be home over break. Sure he missed his Droplet family, the friends he had made through the Christian campus organization, but it was great to take a break from them as well.

He pulled out his Bible opening up to the book of Jeremiah. Having started the book months ago, he had lost momentum with it due to schoolwork and it was just plain depressing, fascinating for sure, but depressing to read about a man striving so hard to hold onto his home, but knowing that God would not let the people stay. He tried to remember what chapter he was on. He kept rereading the same chapter and hated that he had done so because it all felt like such a waste of time as he wasn’t moving forward. There was no progress made on the book or his Bible reading at all. He flipped through the pages reading the section headings. No, it didn’t seem like things would get any better any time soon. Although he knew he should read it to spend time with God, he just felt it was too overwhelming to comprehend. Against his better judgment, he closed the book. Maddie, his girlfriend, wouldn’t be happy with him, but he knew she would understand as she had gone through something similar a few years ago.

His cell phone rang. Putting the Bible on his nightstand, he grabbed his phone out of his pocket and saw that Jaden was calling.

Picking up the phone he asked her how she was. “It’s been a long time, you know seeing as it’s only been what like 2 days since we’ve seen each other,” he added sarcastically.

“I’m fine, but there’s no point in being snippy. We’ve gotta keep in contact with each other, especially since we’re family. I mean Droplet is family.”

“Yeah, but I don’t need to be reminded of that every week.”

“I think you do,” Jaden replied gingerly.

“I guess I just don’t feel the same way. Like, for example, I’m not talking to Jeremy at all this week.”

“But you’re mentoring him…” Jaden trailed off.

“Exactly and he’s hella pissed, but that don’t change a thing.”

“Well he needs me, so I’ve talked to him.”

“Daily?”

“That’s none of your business,” she defensively stated.

“Be careful with him. You hurt him, I hurt you.”

“Oh come on Pax. We’ve worked through worse things before.”

“I know it, but I’m just not convinced you’re dating him for the right reasons.”

“Well, what are the reasons that you’re dating?”

“Because she loves God first. She loves me and I love her and she challenges me in my faith. You know full well about that,” he passionately responded.

“How so?”

“It’s Maddie, Jaden. I’m dating Maddie Smith.”

“My old mentor?”

“One and the same.” Pax waited a moment to hear a reply before he realized she had hung up on him. “Figures.”



Sitting down at the cafeteria, Kerass felt the inevitable had finally come. He took a few bites while they ate in silence. Clearing his throat, finally working up the courage he asked, “How long have you known?”

“July 3rd, the summer before senior year,” she replied.

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“What would you have done had you known?”

“I would’ve stayed with you, the way you did for me.”

“Yes, I believe that’s true, but that’s not what I wanted. I never wanted you to stop living for me.”

“Did it ever occur to you that there was a joy in living because of you?” He told her she had changed him. “You knew how to draw me out of my comfort zone, to push me. You knew exactly what I needed. Why didn’t you allow me to be there for you?”

“Because it gave me joy to see you enjoying life again.”

“I’ll never forget the time on the mountain.”

Lyra smiled bigger than he had ever seen her smile before. “Neither will I.”

“Are you sure it’s terminal?”

“No,” Lyra replied avoiding eye contact. “It’s unclear. I could live through this, but I just don’t know if I want to.”

“Why?”

“I’ve loved life, but I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself for not finishing on something that I started. That’s why I didn’t apply to school. I couldn’t begin college knowing I might die before I would graduate.”

“But if you were cured, you could go,” Kerass prompted.

“Yeah…” Lyra replied gazing out the windows.

“What is it? What are you fighting against?”

“I think it’s best if I don’t say. I don’t want you wasting time looking up the disease when you could just be present with me. I don’t want you to look back when you think of me and be sad because an illness took my life. I want you to think that in spite of it all I continued to relish life. I lived.”

“It sounds like you’ve given up already.”

“I’ve been sick a long time, Kerass. When I thought about the sickness, tried to fight against it, I pushed everyone away. I’m not going to do that anymore. I’ve accepted that I’m sick. I’m open to the idea of getting better, but I can’t fight it anymore. I’ve seen others get better during the office visits, but they all had their families and friends surrounding them. I messed up by not telling anybody about it. Since I’ve been sick this long the doctors say it’s highly unlikely that it’ll ever go into remission. They told me to make preparations. I am dying, Kerass. I’ve accepted that. I wanted to ask you to spend some time with me over winter break before I die.”

“I will. In fact, I’ll be seeing a lot of you.”

“Thank you,” she said caressing his face, leaning forward and kissing his cheek.

“You don’t understand. I’m going to defer next semester so I can move back to Oak Stream.”

“I didn’t ask you to do that.”

“I know. It’s already decided.”



Ripping the envelope open, Cadence began to read Gus’s letter, the letter that had haunted her since before high school graduation. She knew the timing had never been right to read it before and while she had pushed him away, the fact that he showed up at all solidified for her that she needed to read it. It read:

Cadence,

I don’t know what to say other than I love you. I’ve loved being romantically involved with you, but I’ve also loved being your friend. If we’re meant to be together romantically, I ask selfishly that you give me time and space. I don’t need a girlfriend right now. I need a friend.

I’ve never met anyone who’s more willing to listen and desires to know others more than you. You care for people so deeply. I can’t care for you romantically right now. The best way I can be there for you is as a friend. We started out friends and I think we can remain that way.

If you choose not to be friends, I’ll be sad, but I can move on. I know I’ve pushed you to do a lot of things this year, but to me it’s all been worth it to see who you truly are, a strong, passionate, loving person. I’ll always be there for you as a friend. Just say when.

Gus

Folding the letter back up, Cadence clasped the paper to her chest. Taking a deep breath, she processed through every word again, putting the letter to memory. She knew then what she must do.



Jay walked with Jeremy down Main Street. Even though they were on the same campus together, they barely spent time with each other. “This is nice,” Jay said bursting the silence. He added that he had missed Jeremy.

“I’ve missed you too, man. I’m sorry I’ve been distant lately. Droplet just takes up so much time. You know you could always come to a meeting.”

“Maybe next semester.”

“Dude, it’s not just been Droplet. I’m dating someone.”

“Really?” Jay replied hesitantly. He tried to come across nonchalantly, but had a fear his disappointment was coming through.

“Yeah, her name’s Jaden and she’s gorgeous.”

“What do you like about her?”

“She’s a part of Droplet for one, but we don’t really talk much, we just sort of make out all the time, not that I’m complaining or nothin’. She’s just a girl.”

“Girl almighty?”

“You could say that.”

“Hey, um, I’ve got a question,” Jay attempted to change the subject.

“Well don’t just keep it in, why don’t you share it?”

“You know who I am. I mean it’s no secret or anything. You know I’m gay. Would you still love me if I dated another man?”

“I thought we had gone through this already. You already know the answer. Yes, of course. We’ll always be friends. I don’t understand it, like at all, but you have nothing to worry about. I’ll love you anyway. No questions asked.”

Jay nodded. It was exactly what he needed to hear in that moment. He no longer doubted how much he was cared for.



“I don’t want this anymore,” Cadence told him. She had all of her things packed up at the front door. “I’m leaving you and don’t follow me.”

“You can’t leave!” he yelled out. He slapped her on the face. She gasped. He picked her up and shoved her through a pair of glass doors. Her head hit the edge of the kitchen counter on the fall down. Blood started leaking, spreading across the wooden floor. Regret instantly kicked in. Rushing to her side, he checked her pulse. She wasn’t breathing. He couldn’t find a heartbeat.



The day had been so delightful that Kerass didn’t want it to end. Aside from the conversation during lunch, he was able to get lost in the façade they were hiding behind. He believed he helped Lyra forget about it too. Jez was his girlfriend and he loved her, but Lyra had such a special place in his life. It just wasn’t the same between them. There was more of a history with Lyra. He didn’t know what he would do without her. Kerass opened his mouth to ask her if she had enjoyed her day, but the question never slipped out. Lyra passed out. Instantly Kerass caught her before she collapsed on the concrete.



The man watched as the ambulance came taking Cadence away from him. Only in that moment had he realized the gravity of what he’d done. Placing the paddles on her body, they attempted to resuscitate her.



Kerass was unaware that he had begun yelling and screaming.

“Lyra? Lyra, wake up! Lyra! HELP!”

Fallen Leaves - Chapter 44: Little Black Dress

Thanksgiving break came quicker than Jeremy ever expected it would. He felt like he had always been living on campus, but it had only been 12 weeks. Pax had been the greatest friend he had ever had. Sure things with Jay were great and Jay was incredibly loyal, but things were different with Pax. As far as Jeremy knew, Jay didn’t believe in God. He knew they could have a great friendship and they did, but there was a connection that was missing. He had that foundational belief with Pax, a commonality that was unexplainable, a trust that he hoped wouldn’t break. He had to tell Pax. He knew he had to say it, but he was so afraid to.

Walking into the dining hall, he saw Pax sitting in a peach-colored booth waving his hand at him. Scratching the back of his head, Jeremy walked straight over to Pax neglecting to get food. Pax smiled at him.

“Oh you didn’t have to skip out on food. I can wait a few minutes,” Pax jauntily reassured him.

“I’m not that hungry. Actually, I need to tell you something,” Jeremy stated nervously.

“You always need to tell me something. That’s nothing new,” Pax joked in reply. He told him he was all ears.

Jeremy wasn’t too happy about Pax being so jokey about it all. It only made what he had to say even harder. “I think I’m stealing your girl.”

“Could you expand upon that?” Pax replied changing his tone, but still remaining open.

“Jaden and I have been getting really close recently. She listens to me, cares for me. I’m just gonna say it: she asked me out and I said yes.”

Pax exhaled. Jeremy bit his tongue nervous of the words that might come out of his mouth. He already let the secret out, betrayed Jaden’s trust by telling Pax, but he didn’t care. Their friendship was too important for him to lose.

“Just so you know, Jaden is not my girl. She’s simply a friend, so you can throw those worries away. I’m not angry or upset. I’m just concerned. I know you don’t want to hear this, but I don’t think that’s a good decision.”

“Why? What’s wrong if we care about each other?” Jeremy defended himself.

“I’m not going to run her under the bus, but I question her motives for why she asked you out in the first place. See, I just don’t believe they’re true.”

“Why?”

“You don’t need to know why,” Pax gently reprimanded. “I mean our friendship won’t end or anything if you do go out with her, but I think it’s a foolish decision.”

“You’re just jealous,” Jeremy spat at him. He didn’t want to hear anything else from Pax, not right then. He was so mad he felt he would burst.

“Jeremy!” Pax called out after him.

Ignoring him, refusing to even look at him while he walked out of the dining hall. Jaden grabbed his arm as he burst through the doors fuming. Seeing her instantly calmed him down.

“What’s wrong, honey?” Jaden asked.

“I told Pax about us,” Jeremy conceded.

“You did?” she replied a smile adorning her face.

“I know you said not to and I know why.”

“You do?” Jaden asked trepidatiously.

“Yeah, he’s just jealous because you like me.”

Jaden nodded and held his hand. He had a feeling she was about to say something, but nothing came out. Her hesitation startled him, but he opted not to think on it.



Jay walked through the forest. He hadn’t realized how much he had missed the good parts of Oak Stream before he left. As great as it was to be with his father again, he relished his alone time. Journaling in his bedroom just didn’t feel right anymore. Nature soothed him in a way he had never discovered in high school. The thought of journaling his frustrations about his friends didn’t appeal to him anymore. He still wanted to internally process, but he didn’t want that on paper, where others might stumble upon it.

Gil was the first person who came to mind. He had met with Gil once a week for an hour and they discussed various ways about getting comfortable, full on embracing their sexual orientation. Jay hadn’t realized he had so many reservations about it. Processing it with another gay person, one who was closeted last year, had been so helpful. His father might scoff at the idea, seeing as he could never accept his sexuality and even Jay hated to admit that it had taken him so long to even get to this point, regardless of having dated Damien for nearly a year. He knew that the first date with Gil was less than thrilling to say the least, but perhaps that was because he wasn’t fully ready to date again. Was it even possible if there was no initial spark in the first date to develop feelings for someone? He didn’t know. Damien had always excited him. Yet with Damien he had never been in a place where he was comfortable having sex. No, he didn’t believe if that initial spark wasn’t there that a romantic relationship could develop. Friendship definitely could, but romance…he didn’t believe that to be true. Was romance necessary though? He was a freshman in college and he was still a virgin. He had been out of the closet for nearly four years now. Glad he had waited as long as he had, he felt that the time might finally be right. If he and Gil weren’t meant to be romantically involved with each other, than maybe it was right for him to have his first time with a friend, someone he felt completely comfortable with.

“Jay?” Damien called out behind him.

Turning around, Jay froze when he saw Damien. His heartbeat rose. Damien rushed at him and instantly hugged him.

“How have you been? How has your first semester been so far?” Damien bombarded him with several more questions.

“It was all good, but I’m happy to be back, to have the week off to breathe before finals start kicking in.”

“I know the feeling,” Damien replied. He continued saying he had a big project due the Friday after they got back. “It’s worth 60% of my grade, so I’m stressing pretty hard about it to be honest.”

“I see. How’s Vance?” Jay asked trying to avoid thinking about Damien and him.

“He’s fine, I think.”

“Did you work out the fact that you’re attracted to him?”

“I told him about it, but we haven’t really hacked it out, you know? Kind of best unexplored seeing as he’s not gay so nothing’s going to happen anyway.”

“I guess so.”

“I’m quite concerned about Kerass to be honest.”

“Yeah, I haven’t spoken to him all semester, not from a lack of trying either.”

“He really needs friends right now, but for whatever reason he keeps pushing them away, verbally aggressive too,” Damien said empathetically.

“That’s not like him. The avoidance part is for sure, but verbally aggressive? That just doesn’t seem like him at all.”

“I know, but he’s not facing the facts with his current relationship and I can’t seem to get him to see what it’s doing to him.”

“What can I do?” Jay asked feeling hopeless. He knew Kerass wouldn’t pick up and it frustrated him watching his friend shove away people who genuinely cared about him.

“Call him and if he doesn’t answer, leave him a message.”

“Maybe I could stop by?”

“Uh-un. He doesn’t live with his father anymore, remember? Besides he told me he’s not coming to Oak Stream for Thanksgiving break. He opted to stay on campus.”

“Why?”

“Wish I could tell you.”

“Want to walk back together?” Jay suggested. “We could catch up on the good things while we walk or whatever.”

“I’d love to, but I’d love to hear your thoughts on everything that’s wrong, especially with Kerass. I’ve always valued your opinion even when I didn’t agree with it.”

“Ok,” Jay whispered in reply. It was the sweetest thing he had ever heard, but he didn’t want his mind to go down that track with Damien again. “Let me call him first.”

Jay pulled out his phone and called Kerass while they began walking back to Main Street together.



Kerass looked at his phone, realizing Jay was calling him. Why couldn’t Jay ever take the hint? He felt bad that they hadn’t talked in months, but it was just never a good time. Kerass ignored the call sending Jay straight to voicemail.

The campus seemed eerily empty over Thanksgiving break. Kerass walked around campus through the fog trying to find new places, but he had already explored every quad multiple times throughout the semester. He couldn’t help but think about Damien. Kerass had been a total jerk to Damien, yet Damien had offered to house him for Thanksgiving regardless. Kerass had always thought of himself as a great friend, but now he wasn’t quite sure. He had pushed nearly everyone away. He hadn’t talked to Gus since the summer. Jay kept being persistent in pursuing his friendship, but Kerass kept ignoring him. He hadn’t heard anything about Cadence all semester and he felt like he hadn’t gained any friends since he arrived in the fall. The campus was beautiful when life breathed in it, when people walked through it. It was downright depressing when nobody was there. Why had he stayed? This possibly couldn’t be any better than Oak Stream. There seemed to be no reason why he had abandoned his friends. They shouldn’t stay with him, but selfishly he hoped they would. Why had he pushed everyone away?

Out of the fog a figure walked up to him. It took him a moment, but once he realized it was Jez, all thoughts of his previous life at Oak Stream fled his mind.

“It took a while to find you,” Jez said raising one eyebrow at him.

“I’m glad you did,” he replied. He asked her why she was at his campus over Thanksgiving.

“No one should spend Thanksgiving alone and I couldn’t think of anyone else I was more thankful for than you, family included.”

“Well, how will we celebrate?”

“Do you even need to ask?”

Kerass looked at the ground embarrassed. He saw Jez hold out her hand. Taking it, they walked back to his dormitory.



Julia opened the door, instantly feeling the spray from the rain as the wind whipped inside. It was pouring outside and Cadence stood before her drenched, her hair dripping all over the porch.

“My god, Cadence, you look terrible,” Julia burst out.

“I need help,” Cadence uttered shaking. Julia couldn’t tell if she was crying or if it was simply all the rain that had already fell upon her. Cadence walked inside, a trail of dripping water following her.

“What’s wrong?” Lyra asked walking up to her.

“I think I’m in, no I know I’m in an abusive relationship.”

“Oh my god,” Julia breathed.

“I don’t know how to leave,” Cadence choked out. “He gave me these,” she said raising her shirt showing her bruised ribs.

“Stay with me,” Lyra suggested.

“I’ll put you in danger. I can’t do that.”

“But you’re in danger. You have to get out somehow. Maybe if you told the police.”

“They’d never believe me!”

“You don’t know that until you say something,” Julia reassured her.

“No, see I shouldn’t have even told you. He’ll kill me if he knows I told you.”

“Cadence, don’t go back to him! You have to get out,” Lyra yelled at her.

“It was a mistake to come here,” Cadence replied robotically. All of her tears had vanished. “He’ll be wondering where I’m at soon.”

There was a knock at the door.

“Oh no! He’s here,” Cadence whispered, trembling in fear.

“I’ll get it,” Julia reassured her.

“No, I’ll do it,” Cadence replied composing herself.

When the door opened, Julia saw that it was Gus. She breathed a sigh of relief. Everything would be fine at least for the moment.

“Cadence,” Gus said breathily. “Is everything all right?”

Cadence ran out the door straight back into the rain.

“What was that all about? Weird,” he said confused.

“She’s in a bit of trouble,” Lyra clarified.

“Yeah, well, I’m done helping her. She didn’t want my help to begin with anyway. I’ll help her if she asks me to, but I just can’t do it anymore. It’s not healthy.”

“All right,” Lyra stepped down. “Want to talk in the living room?”

“Sure.”



“You’re not a virgin are you?” Jez asked the moment they had walked into Kerass’s dorm room.

Kerass was taken aback by the question. It took him a moment to process what she had said because she was wearing a little black dress and he found it near impossible to maintain eye contact.

She smiled and told him not to be ashamed. “I don’t necessarily want you to look at my eyes right now.”

He knew what she was alluding to when they agreed to come here, but he was still floored by her bluntness.

“I am,” Kerass timidly replied.

“Oh, I didn’t know that. Don’t worry, I’ll teach you. I’ll be gentle.”

“I think I can take care of myself,” Kerass defended himself.

“No, that’s my job. Your job is to take care of me,” she said. She gently pushed him. He fell down onto the bed. She ripped his crimson button-down shirt open, ripping out three buttons in the process that flew to the other side of the room.

“Hey! That was my favorite shirt,” Kerass stated miffed.

“Not anymore,” Jez replied leaning forward to him, kissing him.



Julia stepped into the kitchen. She wanted to give the two of them privacy, yet the walls were thin. It was nearly impossible not to eavesdrop on their conversation.

“Yeah, the semester’s going fine. I’ve actually been doing a lot better now than I ever did in high school.”

“You did fine in high school,” Lyra reassured him.

“Yeah, but I’m doing better in college.”

It seemed cruel of him to talk about college in front of her considering she couldn’t go. Looking at her though, there was a glow about her face that she hadn’t seen in weeks. Perhaps it wasn’t so much as cruel, but simply what Lyra wanted.

“I love hearing about it, all the campus stories.”

“I’ve kept out of trouble, mind you, but I can’t guarantee that for any of the rest of the Oak Stream alums.”

“You haven’t run into Jay at all?” Lyra asked inquisitively.

“No. Both our schools have the same break, but I haven’t seen him once as I’ve walked around town. Odd, isn’t it?”

“I think it’s brilliant,” Lyra said bursting with energy.

“Yeah, that’s one way of putting it,” Gus added flabbergasted.

Julia had to bite her tongue from laughing and even then she snorted.

“Uh, how’s Kerass?” Lyra asked nonchalantly.

“I don’t know. I haven’t talked with him all semester.”

“Not once? I thought for sure you two would have reached out by now.”

“Oh, I care for the guy and all, but see that’s not my style. If he wants to reach out, he knows where to find me. Time is irrelevant. He’ll reach out when he’s ready and I’ll be there whenever he does.”

“I know because you’re a great friend.”

“Nah, I’m not a good friend. I just don’t mind people’s presence…some of the time.”

Julia tried her hardest to not listen. She walked to the garage to take out the trash in the kitchen, but she still heard the conversation. Trying to convince herself that listening was not an invasion of privacy, but a sign of how much she cared worked in the long run. She stopped trying to disguise what she was doing and just listened intently to every word between them.

“Should I tell Kerass?” Lyra asked.

“You already know my answer,” Gus replied apathetically.

“Say it to my face.”

“Fine by me. I think you’re doing him more harm than good by not saying anything, but ultimately it’s your decision. I don’t think he deserves to know, but I think long-term this’ll mess him up pretty bad if you don’t say anything. Ultimately, it’s your decision.”

“That’s what I was afraid of.”

There was an elongated pause. It was so long that Julia’s mind had already gone to Cadence. They had to help her, but she felt only Gus or Kerass could reach her. At the very least Cadence reached out seeking help. Julia knew she’d have nightmares about that encounter. She zoned back in when Lyra shattered the silence.

“I’ll make you a deal,” Lyra began. “I’ll talk to Kerass if you talk to Cadence.”

“Yeah, right. That’s not a fair trade off at all.”

“Why not?”

“Because she doesn’t want to talk to me!”

“Yeah, I know, but she needs to.”



Kerass had the biggest smile on his face as he walked on campus to get breakfast the following morning. Today he was a man. His breathing became deeper when he thought back to the night before. A whirlwind of emotion swept him up. He had never felt closer to anyone before. He couldn’t think of anyone else he’d rather have had that experience with.

“Hello, Kerass,” a voice called out behind him.

He didn’t have to turn around before he knew who it was.

“Lyra?”