Fallen Leaves - Chapter 40: Don't Forget Where You Belong

The air was muggy. The humidity outside caused Cadence to perspire. She wiped her forehead to wipe away the layer of sweat that grew through the hours she had spent outside. The first rays of the sun broke through the leaves at the edge of town. Although she knew she was breaking the law, she found herself atop the water tower. Telling her mother she was sleeping over at Lyra’s, which oddly enough she believed, she had determined to spend her last night of her high school career off to herself.

There was so much she wanted to resolve: ensure she was still friends with Jay, reassure Kerass she was always there for him, and she hoped that Gus would be able to smile at her again the way he did last year. Knowing full well they probably wouldn’t even say a word to each other at the ceremony, she wanted to be at the water tower again to feel close, intimate with him, even if he was just a vapor of a memory one more time before they walked across that stage. That letter he had written her. She knew she would read it one day and probably during the summer, but she just couldn’t bring herself to read it now. It was still too painful to think how screwed up their relationship had become. As the sun continued to rise, she found her thoughts taking her back:

His arm extended as a gesture. Without saying anything, he motioned ‘after you’ towards her. She gave him a single nod thanking him.

Her foot felt the first ladder rung. It was sturdy, solid. She trusted it. She started to climb. Gus was close behind her. She could hear his feet and hands as they gripped the rungs of the ladder. She daren’t look down. Completely unaware that she was on level ground, she began to walk up the spiral staircase. Her hand found Gus’ as they finished climbing the stairs.

As she began to sit down, she chose to look out over the forest instead of Main Street. The view took her breath away. They were above the trees and as the wind blew ever so softly, she could almost see ripples and waves among the leaves.

She leaned against Gus’ chest. He put his arm around her. He was the only one who understood that she didn’t want anything to be said in the moment.

Cadence turned her head. Her hand touched his face gently. Time seemed to freeze. She leaned forward and kissed him. His eyes widened. He couldn’t have been surprised. When she looked harder she could tell his eyes weren’t a shocked surprise, they were a happy surprise. He leaned forward and kissed her back. She could feel her hair whipping wildly in the wind that had picked up quite forcefully as they continued to kiss on top of the water tower.

Cadence found herself smiling. The sun was blazing. She squinted as she looked out on Oak Stream. There was still the summer, but she had an odd feeling this would be the last time she’d be able to fully call the little town of Oak Stream home. College was beckoning, but she didn’t feel ready. Too much was left open, too much was left unresolved. She couldn’t force reconciliation as hard as she tried. Looking at her watch, she read the time to be 6:03. The rest of the town would wake up shortly. She needed to get home anyways to shower and put on her cap and gown. With one final look at the forest beside her, she found that saying goodbye to high school, as overly dramatic as it was, simply wasn’t something she was ready to part ways with. Knowing she couldn’t delay graduation any longer, she made her way down to the ground.



Jay bit his tongue. His journal lay before him. He wanted to write down his thoughts on how his high school experience had been for him. Only one thing came to mind and it wasn’t his coming out experience. That was never-ending anyways. The only thought he had was of his mother. Clutching her letter to him in his hand, the unopened letter, he knew of only two people he wanted to speak with about it. Not even his father would be allowed to read this letter. The memory of the first time he shared out loud that he was adopted came flooding over him and he found his hand furiously writing the memory down as it came to mind:

He walked over to Kerass who stood by his locker. Saying hi beforehand, Jay asked him how he had been. Kerass was so taken aback that Jay was talking to him that it took him a solid 5 seconds before answering.

“Things have been a little rough recently,” Kerass began. He then spilled on how he had broken up with Julia. “It’s just a really weird time for me right now.”

Jay choked up. He knew nothing about Kerass’ life this year and in a way it was entirely his fault. He had dedicated all of his attention to Damien and while that had been good for him, he had let his friendship with Kerass vanish. He would do anything to rebuild it now, but it took a while to rebuild anything of value.

“Why are you here, Jay?” Kerass asked straightforward. “I mean, we haven’t really talked since the beginning of summer and that was several months ago.”

“I guess I just missed us is all,” Jay said. He went on saying he missed the way they used to be, how they knew each other so well. “I mean, what happened to us?”

“I don’t really know,” Kerass said adding that it might simply be high school life. “You know these walls are so huge. So many people come in and out each and every day, so it’s hard to maintain any friendship, let alone what ours used to be.”

Jay bit his tongue. He didn’t want to ask the next question on his mind, but he knew had to. He had to know if that was what kept Kerass away from him all this time. “Does the distance between us have anything to do with me and Damien dating?”

Kerass laughed. “No. I mean, it’s a little weird to me and I still don’t agree with that, but no, that’s not the reason why.” He said further that there wasn’t really any one reason. “We just grew apart this year. Nothing against you, it just happened.”

Jay took deeper breaths. It was hard for him to hear this. Kerass used to be the center of his world and while Damien was that now, he didn’t want to lose Kerass. “Is there anything I can do to rectify this?”

Jay waited on Kerass’ response for what seemed like infinity before Kerass said that he wasn’t sure. Jay’s heartbeat rose. The sound echoed in his head and he felt like his head was about to explode.

“I found out I’m adopted,” Jay blurted out. He was astonished by what he had just done and he wished he could take it all back. Kerass had been the first person he told, he hadn’t even told Damien that and he knew that if Damien ever found out he’d be in trouble.

“You what?” Kerass asked stunned.

“My dad told me 2 months ago,” Jay whispered and added for him not to tell anyone.

Kerass promised he wouldn’t. “Why did you tell me?”

“I still trust you,” Jay said.

“Well, thanks,” Kerass said. “Does he know? Damien?”

Jay shook his head.

“All right then,” Kerass said and then told Jay that he’d see him around before walking away.

As vividly as the memory came, for the life of him he couldn’t remember what had happened next. He didn’t mind that he already forgot some of high school. Kerass and him were right back to where they were during that conversation, except it was worse. Jay wasn’t convinced that their nonexistent friendship would survive this blowup. Sure, Kerass felt betrayed, but Jay felt no regrets over his decision. Kerass would take the money, he was sure of it. Kerass would go to college. There was no way Jay could tell Kerass of this letter now. There was only one other person who he knew would want to know what was in that letter. Pulling out his phone, he texted Damien asking him to come over.



Kerass kneeled down on the grass. Bryce had driven him here and upon Kerass’ request had remained in the car so he could be alone. Fresh flowers were placed atop the gravestone. After he had walked out of the funeral, he hadn’t come back to visit. He had never once laid eyes on his mother’s grave. Looking at her name carved delicately into stone was one of the most hauntingly beautiful things he had ever seen. He felt terrible, but he couldn’t bring himself to shed any tears. He just wanted to be with her. Pulling out his cross necklace, he laid it atop the gravestone choosing once again to part ways with the religion that had scarred him so. Jay had mailed him the silver necklace as a quasi-graduation gift. Jay really didn’t understand boundaries and it was hella creepy. This wasn’t like before. He knew definitively she couldn’t hear him. Knowing deep down she could no longer listen he lay down beside the grave to be close.

His thoughts started racing. The decision had been made. He was going to college, but he had chosen Dowden Terrace College. Oak Stream Community College was not an option and well Jay was attending Evergreen Forest University. Dowden Terrace kept him as far away from his father and Jay as humanly possible and he was perfectly content with that.

His relationship with Gus was one of the only high school relationships he wanted to last and somehow he knew it would. They would continue to talk through the summer. A calm fell upon him as he thought about how Gus had made him feel so welcomed this past year, a year when practically no one else in his life had even attempted to pursue him. Gus truly was by this point his best friend and he knew that the distance between colleges wouldn’t tarnish their brotherhood.

The thought of a long-lasting friendship outside of college had crossed his mind for him and Lyra, even if they never jumped into the dating pool, but he was still livid at Lyra for walking out on him. They hadn’t spoken since and he knew he was lying to himself when he said he couldn’t care less. He desperately cared, but she was nowhere to be found, he knew she wouldn’t attend the ceremony, and he was too stubborn to reach out to her when she so suddenly cut the cord on their friendship, so to hell with it.

One final person came to mind. He had once proclaimed internally that she was the only person he trusted, the only person who saw him as who he really was. They had barely talked this year and he knew it was all his fault. He should have stayed for the peer support group to encourage her, but he was too pissed at Jay to stay behind for it. They were never good for each other when they were dating, but for whatever reason he still believed they would make great friends especially as they both transitioned out of high school. They could leave their dating drama behind them, the walls of Oak Stream High forever holding those secret encounters of kissing under the stairwell. It happened in high school and as far as Kerass was concerned, it could stay in high school. The first time they had ever met flashed in his mind. He couldn’t help but replay the moment:

Someone was already in the room. He felt like he recognized her outside of the classroom for some reason, but he couldn’t quite place it. She was the new girl, of that he was certain. “I bet we have the same question. Do you mind if I join in?” She shook her head. He sat down right beside her. He glanced over at her sheet of paper making sure of her name before he said anything else. “You’re new here, right Cadence?”

“Yeah,” she said with a nod.

“Hey, are you that girl?” He asked. “That girl they’ve talked about on the announcements?”

She smiled back at him.

Kerass beamed. His mother never got to meet Cadence, but he believed she had felt her presence from his interactions with her throughout high school. His mother would have wanted him to go to college, which ultimately was why he took the money. She would have been so proud to see this day and the pain he felt knowing she couldn’t was so intense he found it difficult to breathe. He didn’t believe in an afterlife, but it was comforting to think that she could see him in his blue cap and gown smiling down upon him. That wasn’t true. It just wasn’t reality, but it was deeply comforting. With one final deep breath laying beside her grave, he got up. His father wouldn’t be at the ceremony, but Bryce would be. Mr. Baganz would be there too and that was the only quasi father figure he needed. He kissed the top of the stone, silently bidding farewell. Internally he promised her that it wouldn’t be over a year before he visited her grave again. Walking away, prepping his mind for the ceremony, he tried to dispel any negative thoughts he had about the last four years. As far as his high school career was concerned, he knew it was time to move on.



Julia knocked on the door. Anticipation rose as she realized she was once again back in Oak Stream for the summer. The summer wouldn’t be easy though. The little town needed her. She had changed a lot in her freshmen year at college. It was difficult being in the very place where everyone knew all of your adolescent mistakes. Yet she was back and quite honestly she was pleased to be back even knowing how hard everything would be.

There was no answer. She knocked on the door again, louder this time. The door creaked open. Standing before her was Lyra wiping away sleep out of her eyes.

“You’re not even awake yet?” Julia asked incredulously. She commented that this was her graduation day. “I thought the ceremony began in an hour.”

“Hey Julia, I didn’t realize you were back in town,” Lyra replied yawning. “You’re right graduation’s in a hour, but I’m not going.”

“Why not?” Julia asked deflated.

“I just don’t want to go, ok? God you are just like Kerass. He was breathing down my neck about going. The decision’s already been made though, so there’s no changing my mind.”

“I don’t want to change your mind. I just want to be here with you, spend time with you.”

“That’s a first,” Lyra uttered under her breath.

“Hey! I’m trying here. Don’t shove me away.”

“You wouldn’t understand.”

“You’re right, I don’t, but…” she paused inhaling, “I know.”

Julia watched as those two simple words dawned on Lyra’s face. Lyra reached out grabbing her arm and pulled her inside the house. Julia waited for the blow-up to occur, but Lyra remained eerily calm.

“You are not allowed to say that to anyone, got it?” Lyra replied even keel.

“I swear it.”

“How’d you find out?”

“Does it really matter? I know and I’m here now.”

“Yeah, but not forever,” Lyra said aside.

“Maybe. I’m not convinced I’m going back to college fall semester. I’m thinking of deferring a year,” Julia said sitting down on the couch in the living room. Lyra remained standing. Julia could have sworn she saw visible fumes coming out of her head.

“Why would you do that? You got out of Oak Stream. I,” Lyra choked on the word. “I’m stuck here.”

“I want to help you. Whatever happened to that girl that wanted to save the water tower by doing a peaceful albeit stupid protest?”

“Oh, she’s still there, buried in the basement. She’s just slightly more pessimistic now.”

“Do you mind if I stay here with you while the ceremony goes on?”

“You’d miss seeing Jay and Kerass walk across the stage.”

“I can always visit them later this summer,” Julia said deciding that was best. “I want to be here, if you’ll let me.”

Lyra nodded.

“When do you get your diploma?” Julia asked while Lyra sat down on the couch beside her.

“It already came,” Lyra said under her breath.

“Congratulations, Lyra. You did it,” Julia beamed. Amazingly enough, Lyra smiled back at her. “You graduated.”



Damien took a deep breath sitting on the ottoman across from Jay. His heart started pounding as Jay handed the letter over to him. That was why Damien was here. He was beyond flattered to be considered the one person Jay trusted enough to share this deeply intimate letter with.

Clearing his throat, Damien inhaled and began reading aloud:

“Jay,

You’ve done it. You’ve made it to graduation. I am proud of every high schooler that makes it all the way through to culmination. It is a massive achievement and one that shouldn’t be taken lightly. While I am proud of this major milestone in your life, I find myself writing this letter to explain why I cannot bring myself to say that I’m proud of you. That would do you a disservice.

Your friend Damien stopped by last year egging me on to give you an explanation. I’ve thought of that day ever since and seeing as your graduation day has come, it seemed the timing was finally right. I was in college at the time. I got pregnant and I knew I couldn’t go home and explain it to Mom and Dad, so I stayed behind at the university. I met your father as he was walking around the neighborhood of the small college town. It was a beautiful conversation and I can recall every word that was said to mind. He wanted a child so badly and I just knew that I couldn’t hold on to you.

I know it’s painful to hear, but I can never be there for you. It has nothing to do with you and I hope you realize that, but the memories of that time, that distance from my parents were the darkest days of my life. They don’t know that you exist. I never forgot you, but I knew it’d be too painful for me to pursue any semblance of a relationship with you. Your father loves you. He wanted you so much. I knew his love for you would carry each and every day. He gave up a life of romantic partnership to have you. No, he is not your birth father. To be frank, I’m not exactly sure who your blood father is, but for all intents and purposes, he is your real father in every way. He loved you before he ever met you. It’s the most beautiful picture of unconditional love that I can imagine.

I left you because I couldn’t love you in the way you should be loved. I gave you over to someone I knew would love you and treasure you the way you should be. I wanted to let you know that before you begin adulthood whether you go to college or start in the workforce now. With all of that out in the open, I can finally live at peace with what I’ve done. You are so incredibly loved, but not by me. I don’t deserve anyone pursuing me. I can finally say goodbye. I truly hope you have an extraordinary life, I just can’t be a part of it. Please do not write back. It would be too painful. I know I left you in gentle hands and with that I am at peace.”

There was no signature at the bottom. Jay remained emotionless. Damien got up, moved over to the couch and hugged Jay. He patted his back, whispering in his ear that everything would be all right.

Jay responded that he knew it would be. “I had read it before you came over. I cried all the tears I could muster, I just needed someone I completely trusted to process through this with. I never realized until now that I have a real father and even though I fought against that after I learned I was adopted, I don’t have to fight anymore. She gave me the best graduation gift. She gave me closure.”



Kerass jolted awake as Jeremy nudged him. He had fallen asleep during the valedictorian’s speech. To be fair, it was really boring and he felt emotionally drained after spilling his beans at the graveyard. He didn’t feel guilty at all.

“In conclusion,” Andy Haddenhorst began wrapping up his speech. Kerass exhaled a sigh of relief. Thank god, the speech was so boring and overwrought with tepid analogies that didn’t relate to life.

His diploma already in hand, they should have finished the ceremony already but for whatever reason Andy’s speech was placed last right before the final send off for the class of 2016.

Andy gave one more analogy that Kerass completely tuned out, but the final sentence he said before he stepped down stuck with him, “Don’t forget where you belong.”

It was almost haunting to hear because he didn’t feel like he truly belonged at Oak Stream. It was full of so many painful memories. Before he could get lost in his pain, the principal congratulated them. Everyone around him erupted, standing up and throwing their hats in the air. Kerass remained seated. As much as he was looking forward to the moment, he couldn’t believe it was over. His high school career was done.

Mr. Baganz walked over to him and hugged him. “I’m so proud of you!” he nearly shouted. He told him he had done senior year all his own. “You’ve had a lot of tough issues to overcome and I’m not going to deny that you haven’t handled all of them well, but you’re trying and you’ve finally come to a place of vulnerability with those around you and for that I’m bursting with pride.”

“Thanks,” Kerass said. He started to cry and he didn’t even know why. He wasn’t sad that high school was over, he just felt overwhelmed. Mr. Baganz was the only father figure he had and he was glad to have him by his side. “Listen, I know I’m done here and all, but can we still like talk?”

“Oh you’d better keep talking to me. Just remember my door is always open, or my number for that matter. If I can’t pick up leave a message. It’s as simple as that.”

Mr. Baganz hugged him one more time before walking off. Looking over Kerass scouted for Gus. Once he saw him in the distance he noticed he was talking with Mr. Baysinger. Through all of their talks over the previous summer, Kerass finally saw what Gus meant by having a real father figure. Mr. Baganz was that for him. His father didn’t exist anymore in his mind.

Gus walked over to him holding out his hand. Kerass took it gladly. Out of all his peers, he trusted Gus the most.

“We’ll be talking?” Kerass asked.

“You’ve got nothing to worry about. We’ll keep up with each other,” Gus reassured him.

“Hey, Gus?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re my best friend.”

“I thank you and I care deeply for you too.”

Kerass felt so calm, so at peace. This was what friendship was supposed to be, so easy, so in synch that it was effortless.

“All right,” Gus snapped out of it, “I can’t handle any more of this mawkishness.”

“The hell does that mean?”

“Oh like you don’t know. Mushiness. Gotta study up on your vocab Coscarelli.”

“I’ll see you?”

“Not if I see you first. Call me, we’ll sched something next week.”

“You got it.”



Jay beamed as he walked over to Jeremy. Instantly hugging each other, they laughed heartily.

“I can’t believe we did it!” Jeremy exclaimed.

“We did. We graduated from this shithole.”

“Got that right,” Jeremy said under his breath.

“I’m still upset we didn’t get to have lunch off campus like the seniors did freshmen year.”

“I’m pissed about that too,” Jeremy giddily laughed.

“We’ll get through this transition fine, right?”

“Of course,” Jeremy patted his back. “I mean, we will be at the same school next year, so that helps a lot.”

“Yeah.”

Nothing else needed to be said. He didn’t need Kerass. Jeremy was enough. Promising each other they’d talk throughout the summer, they parted ways bursting with joy.

Gil walked over to him with his head down. “You were right,” he replied. “I’ve been hiding who I really am and I feel so alone and depressed. I mean, you’re the only one who understands that.”

“Uh, I’m pretty sure that guy you locked lips with understands well enough,” Jay deflected walking away from him.

“No,” Gil grabbed his arm turning him around, “that guy’s not even gay. He was just drunk and he doesn’t remember any of it.”

“I see.”

“Can we, I mean, can we like talk about it throughout the summer?”

“I’m not looking to date right now,” Jay turned him down.

“Neither am I. I just need a friend, a gay friend right now.”

“Sure, I’d like that,” Jay patted his shoulder before walking away. He made a beeline straight to Damien. Damien grabbed him, spinning him around as they hugged each other.

“I knew you could do it!”

“Thanks for keeping it between you and me,” Jay replied making slight reference to the letter.

“Always. I’ve got your back.”

He knew Damien would catch on. “Will we be able to see each other in school?” he asked.

“Sure,” Damien assured him. “Evergreen Forest isn’t all that far away from Dowden Terrace.”

“I know I’ll see you throughout the summer, but I’ll definitely see you in school?”

“Absolutely.”



“Think we could have one more peer support group session one-on-one?” Kerass asked her.

“Anything for you,” she replied loving that the memories of how they met in room M25 came back to her in that moment.

“I still trust you,” Kerass gingerly stated. She started to cry. It wasn’t always easy between the two of them, but she was so thankful that they had made it through.

“I’m so thankful for you, Kerass.”

“I know you mean that.”

“After we all head off to college, go our separate ways, I don’t even know what I’m saying,” she paused clearing her throat. “Can we still be friends?”

Kerass inhaled before he replied, “I hope so.”

End of Year 4

Fallen Leaves - Chapter 39: I Would

Clouds covered the sky. Not a ray of sunlight hit the little town of Oak Stream. Jay walked in the forest with Gil. Damien had offered to come along, but Jay encouraged him to reach out to Vance and have that dialogue that Damien had been avoiding. No, this was a conversation he had to have all on his own. He could hear the rustling of the stream beside him.

“All right,” Jay said. He stated they could stop there as they stepped right up beside the stream.

“Thanks for the hike and all, but what’s this really all about?” Gil asked.

“I know.”

“I’m not following…”

“I saw you, Gil. I saw you locking lips with that guy at prom.”

“That wasn’t a guy,” Gil jokingly replied. “That was a girl. Haven’t you seen Lyra? She’s got that shaved head. We had a little too much of that spiked fruit punch crap, that was all.”

Jay just continued to stare at him. Not only did he not believe a word of that, especially considering it was obvious Gil could hold his drink without a beat, it was obvious by the way that he responded that it was all lies. It was so odd. Gil was such a strong supporter of him getting back in the dating scene, it didn’t make sense that he’d be afraid to embrace those feelings.

“Lyra was with Kerass last night. She didn’t even go to the prom.”

“You didn’t see anything.”

“I’m not going to tell anyone I swear, but you hiding from this…it just doesn’t make sense. I can help you process this, but I thought you wouldn’t need that.”

“You didn’t see anything!” Gil yelled echoing thunder around them. “I’m going back now. Don’t follow me. I’d rather walk back alone and don’t think about talking to me either. Just don’t.”



Kerass couldn’t hold back from smiling as Lyra walked over to him. The time by the river at the crest of the mountain, even though it had only happened days ago, he found himself dreaming about it, reliving it night after night. It was so much fun and that was something he hadn’t had in a long time, but he wanted more and for whatever reason, she didn’t return his smile.

“Hey, Kerass,” Lyra mumbled under her breath.

“Hello to you too,” Kerass replied, the smile deleted from his face. He challenged her to speak up. “Go on. It’s obvious you have something on your mind, so let’s just skip the pleasantries today, ok?”

“Couldn’t agree more. Are you still not going to college?”

“I can’t afford it.”

“Student loans. I grabbed this information from the guidance counselor’s office.”

Kerass aggressively grabbed the pamphlets out of her hand chucking them on the floor. As startled as she appeared at first, she remained completely calm. “Why is it so important for you that I go? You know I can’t. Why isn’t that good enough for you?”

“If you knew the real reason why, you wouldn’t talk to me like that.”

“Then why don’t you start talking?”

“I can’t and one of these days, soon, you’ll thank me for this.”

“Why can’t we just not go to college together?”

“Oh, Kerass…” Lyra exhaled. “That is both the sweetest and the most foolish thing I’ve ever heard. You don’t understand. We’re not good for each other.”

“I say that we are.”

“I’m not going to college. I’m not even going to graduation.”

“Wait…you’re not going?” Kerass asked floored. It didn’t even occur to him that she would ditch the ceremony. “You, you can’t,” he stammered fearing his heart would burst through his chest.

“Watch me.”

“I want more,” he added breathily. “Why are you and I, together, why can’t we be good enough?”

“Way to ruin the memory,” she shook her head. “I have to go. Goodbye, Kerass,” she said. Standing on her toes she kissed his forehead before she walked away. Everything in him wanted to stop her, but she was so determined and she had hurt him so much. So he simply stood still and let her walk away from him, walk out of his life.



Cadence stood in the band room anxiety painted all over her face. The last time she had set up a peer support group meeting it had completely backfired. There was no meeting to speak of, but this time she was convinced they could make it work, even if it only lasted the last few weeks of school. Perhaps they could establish a precedent, at least in the band, of straight up vulnerability, honesty, a complete unjudgmental aura surrounding them. That’s what she longed for herself and she felt she could give that to others.

Mr. Martin smiled. “This is going to be great. Trust me on that,” he reassured her.

“Let’s hope people show.”

“They will, but I need to step away for a moment.”

“You’re leaving the band room alone?”

“Yeah, I trust you. It’ll just be 5 minutes tops.”

Cadence exhaled as she set the chairs in a circle. She could tell there was another presence in the room. Turning around, she acknowledged that it was Gus.

“Hi,” he said.

“Hi,” she dragged the word out, laden with apprehension. She told him she was surprised to see him. “What are you doing here?”

“I came here to give you my support, in writing that is. I can’t stay.”

“I would,” she said under her breath.

“I know you would, but please, just look I’m, I’m not good with words, but I can write them down. I’m sure you remember that from English class.”

Sophomore English class, the first time she met him. It seemed forever ago. Their journey together, from partners in English class that couldn’t stand each other sophomore year, to romantic partners junior year, to that one couple that never stopped bickering until they inevitably broke up senior year. How could it be that they couldn’t talk to each other anymore?

“I do,” she finally said reminiscing about when they were in perfect synch. She’d do anything to go back to that time, before he knew, before the bomb threat ruined everything.

“I can’t say all of this to your face, so please, I’m asking you to read it. You know I can’t be here and it’s not about what you shared-”

“I know,” she interrupted him. “It’s just not working.”

“Exactly. I need time. I need space before we can start rebuilding.”

“Think that’s possible before graduation?”

“No.”

“Before we all head off for college?”

“That’s more of a possibility.”

Cadence bit her tongue trying to prevent the waterworks threatening to fall down her face.

“So I guess I’ll see you,” he stated.

“See you,” she said barely audible. She couldn’t even watch him walk away from her, but she clutched that letter, holding it as close as possible. She knew she needed to keep it together before Mr. Martin came back, but as she folded the letter into her pocket, she could no longer hold it in.



The phone rang. Damien waited to see if he would answer. Jay was a total ass for calling him out on it on prom of all nights, but the more he thought about it, he knew it to be true.

“Hey Damien,” Vance answered.

“Vance, how are you?”

“Fine, nothing’s happened within 24 hours to report. You must be really bored in Oak Stream. No one to talk to?”

“Actually, I’ve got something on my mind,” Damien admitted. He told Vance it was hard for him to talk about.

“It always is.”

“How’s Tracy? She still dancing?”

“She’s great. I just talked with her yesterday, but the answer’s no. She claims she’s only comfortable dancing with me and how can I blame her for that, I mean come on.”

“So you’re still friends then?”

“Yeah, always. Stop avoiding the topic, but I must admit that was a valiant effort. Now tell me what’s on your mind.”

“I don’t want you to freak out on me. It’s not as creepy as it sounds, promise.”

“Well, that sounds promising,” Vance jokingly chided.

“You know how I told you I was taking my ex to prom?”

“Yeah? Be careful what you share. I don’t want any gory details.”

“No, no, it’s nothing like that.”

“Spit it out,” Vance commanded.

“He called me out. He told me that I had feelings for you and while I know that you’ll never reciprocate them, I can’t lie to you.”

There was a long pause on the line. He wanted to tell Vance it was all a joke, but it wasn’t. He knew it was wrong of him to deny it anymore. They had grown close and while he had suppressed it, the feelings, the lingering sensation of intimacy had only grown over time.

“I’m glad you told me. Let me start with that,” Vance spoke after what felt like an eternity. “You’re right, it will never ever ever be reciprocated, but this is something I think we need to work through together. You were right to give pause, but we’ll survive this. I don’t care about you any less cause of it, but frankly it is a little weird.”

“So we’re cool?”

“What do you think?”

Damien already knew the answer, he just wanted to hear him say it aloud. Realizing that was selfish, he backed down.

“Thanks,” Damien replied. It was the only word that came to mind.

“Sure thing, but I’ve actually gotta go. Let’s talk next week?”

“Yeah, oh and Vance?”

“Yes?”

“One of these times can Tracy be part of the call?”

“Absolutely. She would love that.”

Damien hung up feeling a sense of relief he hadn’t felt all year. He wasn’t used to being blessed for his honesty. His parents still barely acknowledged him at home, they were so uncomfortable with his sexuality, but he had Vance and hopefully Jay would be willing to maintain a friendship too, but that question could wait until graduation day.



Kerass stood outside of the band room. He couldn’t believe he was back here with Cadence waiting inside for another attempt at the peer support group. It really was beautiful that it all seemed like it was coming full circle, yet all that was on his mind was Lyra and whether that conversation would be the last one he’d ever have with her. He didn’t really feel like walking through the door, but he knew he should. As he placed his hand on the doorknob, he felt a tap on the shoulder.

“Jay, you here for the meeting too?” Kerass asked.

“Sort of,” Jay responded. He stated he had bigger news to share with him. “Are you still harping on about not having the funds for college?”

“Yeah, because it’s true.”

“Well you can stop because I’ve resolved that for you. I challenged him to say it to your face, but he chickened out.”

“What did you do?”

“You’ve got a full ride.”

“How?”

“Your father.”

“How the hell does my father know that I got into college?” Kerass spat at Jay.

“Because I told him.”

“You’ve been talking to my father? Why? He’s an ass. I want nothing to do with him and you know that!”

“At least he wants something to do with you. You wouldn’t scold me me if you knew.”

“All right, I’ll bite. Knew what?”

“My mother wants nothing to do with me. Forgive me for pushing you to reconcile with a parent that actually wants a relationship with their child. Take the money, he’s not even expecting you to speak with him, so you’ll get the money either way.”

“How convenient.”

“It’s just the truth.”

Kerass glared at Jay. How could such good news be tainted by one revelation? “Listen to me. I know you did what you did out of kindness, or at least what you’d call it. What you did was good even, but there’s no excuse in talking about me to my father behind my back.”

“What are you saying?” Jay asked trepidatiously.

“You’ve crossed the line one too many times. I don’t want to see you anymore. I don’t trust you.”

Fallen Leaves - Chapter 38: Best Song Ever

The rain fell lightly strumming against the metal of the new water tower. Damien looked at Jay while he rushed under the base to prevent himself from getting drenched. He couldn’t help but laugh to himself. The rain had never bothered him. The guttural screech that came out of Jay’s mouth when he first got wet was one of the oddest and funniest sounds he had ever heard. It was hard to think back on the time when they weren’t in synch with each other, where their souls weren’t compatible with one another.

He was soaked, water dripped down from the tips of his hair. He stepped under the water tower to join Jay. Gazing at him with such longing, he knew they would get back together. Nothing could prevent him from getting exactly what he wanted.

“I’m proud of you,” Damien said grabbing his face.

“Why?” Jay asked.

“Because…” Damien sighed. He pressed on saying it was difficult to put into words everything they had gone through. “You reached out to me in boldness, asking me to prom. I had forgotten everything we had meant to each other two years ago. It made me realize that I, I just want you. Kiss me,” he whispered leaning forward, caressing his face.

“No,” Jay pushed him away.

“No?” Damien replied feeling heartache over the rejection. What had gone wrong? Everything was right, the timing perfection. Perhaps he was rushing into things, but that text from Jay was so out of the blue and so wonderfully timed. He had received it the night he had come home from the semester. Nothing made sense.

“I want to wait for the right moment,” Jay timidly replied.

“What? It’s not like this isn’t the first time we’ve kissed each other. The water tower in the rain, that’s not romantic enough for you?”

“Don’t rush it, Damien,” Jay begged. “We still need to see if we’re right for each other. Let’s not get into the habit of lying to each other again.”

“I think you were the one who lied to me, kept secrets from me, but that’s all in the past, right?”

“Yeah, I guess so. Look, I need to get to school anyways.”

“Prom’s not til 8:00 tonight,” Damien pointed out. “I can think of much better things to pass the time.”

“I’ve got my final marching band performance first. I’ll see you tonight, though.”

“I can go and watch you perform.”

“Please don’t. If you’re there I’ll be distracted.”

“Isn’t that a good thing?”

“No, not when I need to perform. I need this, please try to understand.”

“All right, you need your space. I won’t press you again.”

“Thanks. If the timing’s right, the right song, the right dance, you might get exactly what you want tonight.”

“Don’t pressure yourself. It’ll be fine. I’ll call Vance, we need to talk anyways.”

“Who’s Vance?” Jay questioned, his voice defensive.

“No one for you to feel threatened about. Don’t worry, he’s not even gay. He’s just a friend from college and we just need each other to talk. Nothing for you to be jealous about.”

Jay nodded walking away. Damien tried his hardest to remain silent, but his heart longed for finality. He needed to have more closure on this conversation.

“Do you trust me?” he called out.

Jay paused, without turning around he said, “I’m trying to.”



Jay felt queasy for the first time sitting down in the stands of the football field waiting for the results of their final performance ever. Sickness overwhelmed him, but it wasn’t physical, just emotional. He was completely emotionally drained and he didn’t know how to fix that, how to change it. It was great being back with Damien, but it all felt like a giant lie. Gil had been the one to text Damien, asking him to prom. Jay didn’t feel brave at all. He was too passive to admit to Damien the truth. It was a nice gesture that Damien was so excited about it, but Jay didn’t instigate this and the amount of love and affection towards him when they hadn’t spoken since the summer before junior year, it all seemed too fast.

He had been distracted the entire performance. He felt he was off an entire measure with his dance movements. None of them seemed to be in harmony with one another. Another year of him sticking out like a sore thumb being the only male on the color guard didn’t help things either, but he felt he should at least be grateful. Last year he was viewing this performance from the stands. Cadence sat beside him on the stands, clinging his arm.

“That performance was marvelous. Breathtaking. It was the best performance you’ve ever done,” she gushed. She continued saying he must be so proud of everything he’d accomplished.

“Honestly, I thought I sucked.”

“No, Jay,” Cadence reassured him. “There was something about your movements, a deep sadness that never came through before. It was by far your most honest performance and for that you have to be so proud.”

“I’ll try to be,” Jay whispered as the announcer quieted everyone in the stands.

The usual congratulatory crap was stated. They were all winners, there were no losers, and everyone should feel so accomplished by what they had accomplished this year alone. Jay tuned the rest of it out just wanting them to get on with it. He just wanted it all to be over.

“Oak Stream…” the announcer paused. Jay bit his tongue, holding his breath he closed his eyes. “Superior.”

Jay opened his eyes. Mr. Martin had trained them well. They cordially applauded, but didn’t cheer. Inside everyone was beaming with pride. They had gotten a 1. Each year since they had joined sophomore year, they had gotten increasingly better. For the first time Jay felt at peace about leaving high school, the marching band behind. He had said goodbye to the stage and now he was saying goodbye to the field.

“I told you last week, you’ve got nothing to be ashamed of. Both your performance on that stage and on this field were nothing short of spectacular. Say it for me, come on,” she egged on.

“All right,” he conceded, “I’m bursting with pride,” he said rolling his eyes.

“The saddest part is I know you mean that.”

“Whatever,” he said under his breath.

“Go on, text him,” she prodded.

“How do you know?”

“The whole band’s talking about it. Nobody cares as long as you two don’t fight in front of them again.”

“That happened two years ago. We’ve matured since then, I hope,” he jokingly doubted.

“Go on,” she encouraged.

“All right,” Jay replied pulling out his cell phone. Before he knew it, they were on the bus ride back to the school. Damien never replied back the entire journey home. Vance might not be gay, but there was something about Vance that had stolen Damien’s heart and Jay wasn’t fully convinced that he even cared.



Damien walked down the street trying to get a breath of fresh air. He jolted when he heard pounding on somebody’s door. Glancing over he noticed that guy that Cadence had hung out with all the time his senior year. What was his name, Gabe? No, but it definitely started with a G…Gus, that had to be it.

“Uncle Jake!” Gus banged on the door, calling the name out peacefully. “Uncle Jake!”

The poor boy was repeating the name over and over. The door opened sharply. Damien held back nervous he might get caught eavesdropping on their conversation.

“What’s wrong?”

“I need your advice. I think I did something foolish,” Gus sighed.

“Come on inside,” the man said.

Damien breathed a sigh of relief as the door closed. Within seconds he saw Cadence walking down the street to the same house.



Cadence knocked on Mr. Baysinger’s door. She heard rumblings inside so she waited patiently for the door to open. Mr. Baysinger opened the door slowly.

“Cadence,” Mr. Baysinger said, “what are you doing here?”

“I tried to find Gus at his house, but his mother told me he was here.”

“Oh, I see,” he breathed.

“Can I see him?”

Mr. Baysinger nodded. It didn’t take long before Gus walked outside closing the door behind him.

“Hey,” Gus said.

It seemed so simple, so nonchalant, like nothing had ever happened between them. Without saying a word, Cadence handed Gus one of the tickets. He exhaled when he glanced at it.

“Prom…” he uttered.

“We bought the tickets months ago before we talked during the-” she paused. She couldn’t bring herself to say it.

“It’s all right.”

“We never committed to go together,” Cadence began. She continued saying it was just an assumption that they would. “So what do you say?”

“I didn’t get a tux. Honestly it slipped from my mind completely.”

“I don’t care how you dress. I just think it’d be good for us to go together, it’d give us some time to talk.”

“I just don’t agree,” Gus shook his head. “I’m sorry, Cadence, but I just can’t,” he said as he handed the ticket back to her.

The door closed behind her as she walked away from Mr. Baysinger’s house. She held the ticket in her hand, taking in every color, every word. After she had put it to memory she ripped it in half. She knew she would never have prom memories. A hand grabbed her as she was walking down the street.

“Damien,” she breathed as she turned around.

“Hey, I’m here to listen if you ever need to talk.”

She nodded. Without a word she walked away from him. He knew her so well that she knew it wouldn’t bother him. She needed time alone, time away from men period.



“You ain’t dressed,” Bryce pointed out to Kerass.

“How do you mean?” Kerass asked completely baffled by his roommate’s observation.

“It’s prom night, now don’t tell me you lack school spirit. Don’t be lame on me now.”

“I’m not,” Kerass explained. He stated that he was going on a hike with Lyra.

“Oh, is she the new special someone?”

“Like you care.”

“Give me a chance, mate,” Bryce jokingly pushed back. “I’m trying my best here.”

“I know you are. She’s not…yet at least.”

“You going to ask her out?”

“Maybe, I don’t know. We’re friends. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Ok,” Bryce conceded. “I can respect your space.”

“I got my college letters the other day,” Kerass said abruptly changing the subject. He knew this would get Bryce off of his back from all the questions about Lyra or how he was doing with loving himself, a subject he realized quickly he really didn’t want to share frequently with Bryce. That’s what Mr. Baganz was for.

“And?”

“I got in. I got accepted into all of the schools I applied to.”

“That’s excellent! You must be so proud. Which one are you going to pick?” Bryce asked.

“None of them,” Kerass paused. “I proved to myself that I could get in, but I can’t afford any of them and it’s a little too late to have scholarships pick up everything.”

“You can’t just not go…”

“Oh yeah? Watch me.”

“If you talked to your father.”

“To hell with my father,” Kerass acidly replied. “I’m not letting him know that I got in because it doesn’t matter. All he needs to know is that I’m breathing. He doesn’t need to be a part of anything else in my life.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way.”

“Don’t. I couldn’t be happier,” Kerass said smugly. “Don’t wait up,” Kerass replied as he walked out the door.



“This is where we stopped last time,” Lyra told Kerass. “You seem stronger now. You been working out?”

“No, honestly,” Kerass laughed. “I’m just determined.”

He followed her as she led him further up the mountain. The sun was blazing, directly in his eyes, but he didn’t care. He was with her, the only girl, the only person who understood where his boundaries were and respected them. For all intents and purposes, she was his best friend and that was strange of him to admit. He couldn’t keep silent anymore. He held his hand up blocking his eyes from the sun glaring down on them in the cloudless sky.

“Just one more step,” she held out her hand pulling him up to the crest of the mountain.

Kerass held his breath as he surveyed the beauty of the sea of green. Directly beside him lay a waterfall the fed into a small river that poured down the other side of the mountain.

“Ready for a swim?” Lyra challenged him.

“I don’t have a bathing suit. What am I supposed to do, swim with all my clothes on?” Kerass joked.

“No, of course not. Take them off. Then jump in.”

“You can’t be serious.”

“Don’t tell me you’ve never skinny dipped before.”

“Um…”

“Sure this river’s a little dangerous if you fall over the edge, but I won’t let that happen.”

“You saying we’re together now?”

“Don’t ruin the memory.”

“It’s not a memory yet.”

“Exactly. Live in the moment,” Lyra said as she began undressing before him.



Jay sat at one of the tables to the side with Damien. They hadn’t gotten on the dance floor once and Jay felt incredibly uncomfortable to be there with his ex of all people.

“You know, you could ask me to dance,” Damien prodded. “I’d say yes.”

“I don’t want to dance,” Jay responded agitated.

“Then why’d you ask me here in the first place?”

“I didn’t,” Jay began. He explained to Damien that it was a friend who had texted for him. “It’s just as creepy as it sounds.”

“Why would he do that for you, not that I’m upset to be here with you. I guess I’m just a little disappointed. Wish my expectations were more properly set.”

“I couldn’t say anything,” Jay threw off to the side.

“You don’t really want me here tonight, do you?”

“I thought I did, but when you never replied to any of my texts on the drive back…”

“I’m sorry that I hurt you by that.”

“No, that’s just the thing. I realized I didn’t care. Vance may not be gay, but you definitely have feelings for him.”

“I do not!” Damien defended.

“Yeah, you do. Otherwise you wouldn’t have spent all that time talking with him and ignoring your boyfriend.”

“Can I at least give you one dance?”

“I’m not asking you to leave.”

“Let’s stand out one last time?” Damien pleaded.

“Ok,” Jay whispered in agreement. Damien held out his hand leading him onto the dance floor as the Motown hit My Girl started playing. Jay rolled his eyes at the irony of it all.

“I know, I know, but just change one word and it’s the best song ever,” Damien reassured him.

Jay thought he was over Damien, but he realized how comfortable he felt dancing with him on the floor. He was definitely over Damien, but the mixed feelings started messing with his head. Sighing, he leaned his head on Damien’s shoulder and rested as the song played on ignoring all the stares from everyone around them.



“Don’t look!” Kerass commanded as he pulled off his last layer of clothing. Screaming he jumped into the water. He felt his nostrils flare with water. He rushed up to the surface laughing. Instantly he splashed Lyra. She splashed him back. He grabbed her head and dunked it under the water’s surface. Oddly enough even though they were naked, Kerass felt no shame. The moment was pure bliss, pure innocence. He forced his eyes not to look down at her.

“See?” Lyra raised her eyebrows. “I told you you’d have fun.”

Kerass beamed at her. He replied that he had never had as much fun in his life. “Can we address the elephant in the room?”

“No, I’m not looking, so don’t even me to-” Lyra began.

“No, no,” Kerass cut her off. “Will you, uh, will you be my girlfriend?” he felt so lame as he finished the question.

“You want to address this now while we’re skinny dipping on the top of a mountain? What sort of psycho are you?” Lyra replied floored.

“Will you stop avoiding the question?”

“No.”

“No?”

“Obviously your hearing’s working.”

“Why not?” Kerass asked laden with disappointment.

“Because you wouldn’t want me, not where I’m going. The reality is I don’t know where I’m going to be next year. I won’t be in Oak Stream much longer, and I’m not even going to college.”

“You and me both. I’m not going to college either.”

“What?” Lyra questioned, her eyes as big as saucers. “No, you have to go. You must. You have a future ahead of you, one that I’ll never have. I just wanted you to have one night with me that you’d always remember. I wanted a memory of us here in this water together to stay with you.”

“What are you hinting at?”

“Nothing…we should go.”

“I’ll stand by you no matter what.”

“I know and that’s exactly the reason why this won’t work.”

Kerass bit his tongue to try to prevent himself from crying.



Jay walked out of the auditorium to head towards the bathroom. Damien was going to drive them home after he relieved himself. As he rounded the corner to the bathroom he saw Gil, the Christian Fellowship president, and another boy locking lips by the lockers. He silently raced back into the auditorium. He didn’t want to face them. Jay could hold it.

Fallen Leaves - Chapter 37: Change My Mind

Cadence’s heartbeat slowed as she took a deep breath. Sure, she had been a part of color guard all year. She should be considered one of the family, but she didn’t feel that way. Having only joined senior year didn’t make her feel all that welcomed or embraced by Mr. Martin. That plus the fact that she didn’t play an instrument made her feel like she had nothing in common with the man. He seemed to have shepherded Jay, at least from the way Jay had talked about him. He seemed like a great guy, a wonderful teacher. Cadence was convinced she was seeing him at his worst: during marching band practice. That sense of peace and calm didn’t seem to be around him while he was spitting from yelling so hard at the band. Clearly the man was frustrated beyond belief and it appeared to be his least favorite part of the job, but Cadence couldn’t get around the fact that she didn’t feel all that comfortable around him. Yet after what had happened she had a lot of time to think over what was really important. It had to start again. Not only did she need it, but she was convinced her friends did too.

With immense timidity, she knocked on his office door.

“Come in!” Mr. Martin called out after her.

“Hi,” Cadence uttered shyly.

“Cadence, have a seat,” he replied jovially. “I wasn’t expecting to see you here. What’s on your mind?”

“I had a favor to ask.”

“Um, ok,” he replied befuddled.

“You know with what happened it’s got the whole school talking like nobody’s talked before.”

“I know,” he nodded. “It’s a beautiful thing seeing such honesty, such vulnerability. I truly believe it helps everyone.”

“That’s the key,” Cadence began. She further explained that all she wanted to do was to help others. “Three years ago, when I was just a freshman, I tried to get a peer support group going.”

“I remember hearing about that. It sounded like a wonderful group.”

“Well it would’ve been had anyone shown up.” She daren’t admit to him that only Kerass had shown. He probably wasn’t even aware of who Kerass was. “Anyways, I wanted to start it up again, but not have it be a big deal. No huge announcements. Low key. Mainly for me and my friends to process through things. I wanted to ask if you’d be willing to let us use the band room for it and I was hoping you’d be willing to facilitate it.”

“I am honored that you thought of me for this. Give me some time to think. Wait until after next week’s final competition. Would you do that for me?” he asked with sincerity.

“Sure thing.”

Walking away from that conversation Cadence felt hope for the first time since she could remember. She wondered whether she should mention what she did to Jay. It could be awkward if Mr. Martin ultimately said no. She didn’t want to be held responsible for destroying any positive views Jay had of him. Kerass, she knew he’d be on board, he always had been. He probably still needed it. The reality was, they needed each other, but they had desired each other in all the wrong ways. They could be such a great support system for each other. If only all their romantic feelings hadn’t gotten in the way creating a junkyard with all their baggage surrounding them. Lyra would probably join but not utter a word and Gus, well they needed each other, but she couldn’t view him as a friend. She still wanted him. She still loved him and that was something he no longer needed. It pained her to admit that he might be moving beyond her already.



“Here’s to Jay for his big final performance during his high school career. To celebrate before the curtain rises tonight, we drink,” Gil said taking a shot of tequila.

Jay took the shot too, immediately coughing afterwards. Gil certainly had a different way of handling the Christian Fellowship than Jeremy did. He was happy to drink with the boys but it felt odd. There was something inherently wrong about this. Jay wasn’t one to drink either. His first time drinking alcohol was this moment and it happened to be tequila. He started to feel light headed and he felt like his tongue was on fire but after a few minutes he felt much more relaxed.

“Where’s Jeremy?” Jay asked.

“Oh, he, he’s quite mad at me,” Gil replied.

“Why’s that?”

“He doesn’t believe we should be drinking because we’re underage.”

“The man’s got a point,” Jay admitted.

“But you’re liking your party, right?”

“Yeah, Jeremy never threw a party for me like this.”

“Well, he and I disagree on quite a few things.”

“Like what?” Jay asked. He continued saying it was obvious they interpreted Christianity differently.

“Yeah, we do. I’m much more open-minded than he is.”

“In what ways?”

“I’d love to see you dating another guy because I know that’s what’s best for you.”

Jay was taken aback. He was so touched. It was something he had only heard from Damien before. Jeremy cared about him, he knew that, but he didn’t support him in the way Jay felt he should be supported.

“Sometimes I still get a little depressed about it,” Jay glumly admitted.

“Why? It’s who you are and I’m never going to ask you to change that.”

No true Christian, or who he had viewed to be a real Christian, had ever told him that. Cadence had always been supportive ever since he had come out to her during that football game freshmen year. Obviously Damien was supportive, otherwise they’d never have dated each other, but once they had committed to each other in that way, Damien greatly distanced himself from religion in general. It was obvious for Jay to see, but it took much longer for Damien to realize how much that had changed. Jay knew Jeremy wasn’t supportive of that, nor Kerass, but they both cared for him deeply in a way he hadn’t been cared for before. Gil, who he was just now getting to know near the end of senior year, there was something odd about him. He was saying all the right things and Jay was hearing everything he wanted to hear, but it was odd that they were breaking the law so nonchalantly and at a student only gathering of the Christian Fellowship.

“You stoked about the performance tonight?” Gil prodded.

“A little nervous. I want to do a good job. Love the girl well.”

“You’re the romantic lead?” Gil asked befuddled.

“Yeah, so?”

Gil was in tears he was laughing so hard. Jay didn’t see anything funny about that and the audience bought him as a romantic lead the previous two nights. He didn’t think it was that big of a deal.

“I’m sorry, I just don’t buy it. You’re so obviously gay. I knew it the first second I met you and I love you for you, but you loving the girl well on stage, that’s just not gonna happen. Don’t worry, I’ll try to keep my laughter to a minimum.”

Oh yeah, Gil could definitely be an asshole. But he did have an interesting notion. Was it obvious within seconds that he was gay? He believed firmly that it was natural, yet it still bothered him that people could tell instantaneously. There was no explanation why he felt that way other than he had low self-esteem, but again Gil came across like he knew him better than Jeremy did because he supported him in this. Gil barely knew him at all. How could he be so confident that just because he was right in guessing his sexuality he knew who he was? Next thing he knew Gil’d be messing with his dating life or lack thereof.

“What are your plans for prom?” Gil asked composing himself.

“Going stag, just with friends.”

“I’m gonna challenge you out of love, ok? I really think you should ask a guy to go to prom with you. You’ve been out since freshmen year. If anyone has a problem with it by now then it’s on them.”

Jay took a moment to think about it. Gil had a point. It was senior year, prom would never happen again. He should ask someone out, someone he trusted, but that list was so short and the list of gay people he knew was even shorter.

“Where’s my phone?” Jay asked.

“It’s over on the counter, I’ll grab it for you,” Gil replied patting him on the back.

“Can I get a ride?” Jay asked as Gil handed the phone back to him.

“You don’t trust yourself driving, do you?”

“Not after what happened to Jeremy, plus the fact that I don’t know how. That helps matters.”

“I’ll do it. Sure thing.”

“I’d rather someone else drive me.”

“You don’t trust me behind the wheel either.”

“Not with a shot of tequila in you.”

“Fair enough. I’ll find someone for you. It’ll just take a sec, but first, seeing as you won’t be the one driving, why not take an extra shot for the road?” Gil challenged holding the shot glass in front of Jay’s face.

Jay stared at it. What could it hurt? He grabbed it from him and downed it. The stuff tasted better already.



“So you did apply to colleges?” Gus asked. “That’s great, I’m really happy for you.”

“Yeah, I applied to three schools. Just waiting to hear back now,” Kerass replied, finding himself cracking a smile for the first time in months.

“Good for you.”

“What about you?” Kerass asked. He continued asking whether Gus had completed his applications yet.

“Yeah, I got them done ages ago.”

“Before we step into the performance, can I be honest with you?”

“Always.”

“My dad reached out to me after the bomb threat. Mr. Baganz called him to let him know about it.”

“Well, did you talk with him?”

“I did. I let him know which schools I was looking into, but we didn’t talk about anything else, not even about school that day. I guess he just figured it’d be best unsaid.”

“I’m proud of you for saying that much.”

“I’ve got one other thing to share and it’s even more serious,” Kerass exhaled nervous to let the secret out again.

“I’m waiting,” Gus replied raising his eyebrows.

“I’m a cutter,” Kerass whispered.

“Do you have any blades on you?”

Kerass shook his head.

“Good, and if I find out you’re lying to me I’ll confiscate them and then personally whoop your ass.”

“Hey,” Kerass paused, not even able to maintain eye contact. “I’m glad we’re friends.”

“And who said you weren’t a sentimental mess?” Gus chided. “I’m glad we are too,” he tacked on sincerely.

Lyra passed by them brusquely walking to the auditorium.

“I’m sorry, I need to grab her,” Kerass said running to catch up to her.

“You like her, don’t you?” Gus called out after him.

“I just want to ask her to prom as friends,” Kerass said and he believed it. The thought of dating Lyra was too bizarre to comprehend. She’d definitely be a different dating experience than Cadence or Julia.

“No, no you don’t. I recognize that look, that piercing look of longing. I had that when I first started pursuing Cadence. Why are you lying to yourself? I mean it’s obvious you care for her…deeply.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Kerass said agitated, walking away from him.

“Go ahead, walk away from me. She’ll say no.”

“Lyra!” Kerass called out grabbing her attention right before she opened the door.

“Kerass,” Lyra beamed back telling him it was good to see him. “I’ve been meaning to reach out to you after that whole debacle, but time and energy seemed to escape me.”

“Would you go to prom with me? You know, just as friends?” Kerass blurted out.

“No, I’m not exactly a prom type of girl. I never was.”

“You can’t just say no!”

“Change my mind,” Lyra challenged.

“If you don’t want to go to prom, can I at least spend that time with you?” he asked longingly.

“You’re willing to ditch your senior prom just to spend time with me, as friends?” Lyra replied unbelieving.

“You know I am.”

Lyra sighed, scratching behind her left ear. “Are you finally ready to complete that hike? Go all the way to the top?”

“I can do that.”

“Stop by my place at 5:30.”

“You’ve got it.”

Gus patted him on the back. “I’m stunned. She said yes, it’s obvious by that giddy look on your face. How did you manage that?”

“We’re not going to prom, we’re hiking.”

“That’s just plain sexy.”

“Shut up!” Kerass scolded feeling his face turn beet red.



Jay waited backstage waiting for the curtain to open. He wasn’t in the first scene so he had a bit of a moment to breathe before he stepped on. He knew he wasn’t himself. His head was throbbing. This was a hangover. He just knew this performance would be terrible. His phone vibrated. It was a great reminder that he needed to turn it off. Quickly glancing at it while he shut the phone down he noticed that Damien had texted him. It simply read: Yes, I’d be honored.

Peeking out at the crowd he saw Gil mouth the words ‘you’re welcome’ to him. What had he asked him?

Fallen Leaves - Chapter 36: Infinity

Lying in bed, Jay stared at the ceiling breathing deeply. He tried to control his breaths letting them be as rhythmic as possible. His thoughts were racing. He needed to journal. The reality of moving off the bed was too difficult in the moment, but his thoughts were already speeding by him. Perhaps it was best if none of this were written down on paper.

Jeremy. Poor, poor Jeremy. Jay couldn’t think of a single way to help him. Sitting with him had at least gotten Jay inside that house and amazingly enough Jeremy had continued to attend school even though all he had gotten was scrutiny. Jeremy was becoming more and more of a recluse every day. He allowed Jay to walk alongside him, just to be with him, but nothing beyond that. They weren’t even able to talk to each other in the hallways. Being around him was something he wanted to do, to be there for his friend, but it weighed down on him like nothing else had before. Jeremy was completely depressing to be around.

How could he help Jeremy if he didn’t even enjoy being around him? Jeremy wasn’t fun anymore. He had been stubborn and that stubbornness had finally bitten him in the ass. Jay felt terrible for even giving it a thought, but there was a part of him that felt like he had deserved it. He had warned Jeremy repeatedly what would’ve happened. That satisfactory feeling of being right was only fleeting though.

Marching band, the play, Cadence, Kerass, none of it seemed to matter anymore. The fickleness of high school friendships had taken him for a loop. There were moments when he thought he and Kerass were strong enough to survive it, but he wasn’t so sure anymore. Considering they hadn’t talked in months, he wasn’t fully convinced they would survive senior year. Jeremy though, they were strong enough, but considering what happened, he knew he wasn’t a good enough friend, a strong enough friend to help him through this. Nothing he did seemed to make any dent at all and the further into the year they got, the glummer he became.

The only thing he could do was stand beside him and even that was becoming harder to do. He didn’t know how long he could last. What kind of a friend was he if he couldn’t stand by his friend during this rough time? But Jeremy wasn’t getting any better and it didn’t seem like he had any strength left, any desire to get better, so there they waited, forever stagnant.

Before he knew it, before he had written a single word in his journal, it was time to go to the bus. Understandably Jeremy had been confined to the bus. Jay didn’t pay any attention to what his father was saying and his verbal response was on autopilot. Jeremy was already at the bus stop by the time Jay arrived. They looked at each other, both of them knowing that they couldn’t say anything to each other, but at least Jay believed that they needed each other.

The Christian Fellowship had attempted to help the situation, but to no avail. From the looks of it Jeremy was going further and further away from Christianity. Jay thought he would be fine with that decision, but oddly enough he wasn’t. He firmly believed there were multiple paths to paradise, but Christianity seemed to just fit Jeremy so beautifully. Christianity clicked with Jeremy in a way that it never clicked with Damien.

Jay wasn’t even aware that he had already stepped onto the bus and was sitting beside Jeremy. Both of them were completely tuned out to the world surrounding them. Jeremy was facing the biggest dilemma in his life, one that Jay had no answers in how to solve. When you knew you had wronged someone, how could you ever forgive yourself?



Cadence stood in the school’s parking lot afraid to step into the building. Gus hadn’t spoken to her. No communication between them had occurred in several days. For all intents and purposes, their relationship was over. This was the hardest thing for her to accept. There was no build up to the break up, it just happened. They hadn’t even talked it through, but deep down, she could no longer deny it.

All she had wanted to do was to help others in high school. She knew she desperately wanted others to love her enough to want to help her, but she knew how unlikely that would be. People didn’t have the time or the desire to do so. Everyone was focused on their own dilemmas that her own, the breakup of a serious relationship, seemed superfluous in comparison.

Inside she knew she was scared. She wanted help and the most viable option was the Christian Fellowship. Despite her own precautions, she enjoyed the meeting much more than she wanted to admit. They’re unjudgmental love and compassion towards Jeremy shocked her. She had never seen such unconditional love before in her life. Everything in her wanted to experience love like that, even though it didn’t seem to help Jeremy at all.

She didn’t believe in Christianity or it’s teachings of total devotion at all, but she couldn’t deny the appeal of that community, one that she desperately needed. Yet she couldn’t force herself to go back. To her very core, she knew that she would never convert to that cult. Forget all the love and affection they gave her. She could never fully commit her life to a single ideology.

People breezed past her as she remained still, unmoving, simply staring at the school. She knew she wouldn’t be able to learn today. There was no question about that. She wasn’t even convinced she’d be able to take notes. There was just something so deeply depressing about walking into the school building this day of all days. She knew she’d see him there and she knew they wouldn’t say anything to each other. There wasn’t enough drive within her to walk over to him and say something. All she wanted to do was just disappear, but that was impossible with so many people walking around her.

She hadn’t felt at home at Our Savior. She hadn’t felt at home at Oak Stream. She hadn’t felt at home anywhere. The nature of the beast that was high school weighed down on her like an anchor plummeting to the bottom of the sea. The grand finale, graduation, couldn’t come quick enough. There was something about even beginning the school day that was tough for her. It shouldn’t even matter. It was a day like every other. It would come, it would go, and before she knew it her relationship with Gus would be a distant memory. She had to keep reminding herself that this glum, sour mood she was in wouldn’t last forever, even though in the moment it sure felt like it would.

Forcing herself to move, she exhaled attempting to let go of all the negative energy, the depressing thoughts surrounding her. It didn’t work, not even a little bit. She felt foolish for even trying, but what could she do? The day was about to begin. Before she knew it the warning bell would ring. She had wasted so much time just standing in the school’s parking lot that it even surprised her that she might be late to the first class of the day. No, she wasn’t herself. She wasn’t herself at all.



Kerass stared at nothing. He got lost sitting at his desk during study hall. Everything was changing for him. Hiding was no longer an option. Bryce knew. Bryce knew it all. In a wave of desperation after Bryce called him out on cutting himself, Kerass revealed all. It was cathartic, therapeutic, and engrossing all at once. The instant he opened his mouth to speak, he couldn’t stop. All of his built-up anger towards his father, his lack of friends, his inability to talk about what really happened with his mother’s death, everything came out in a ranting monologue. Bryce said nothing at first. He simply walked over and hugged Kerass. Kerass tried his hardest to not crumble into tears, but before he knew it the faucet turned on. As strong as he liked to believe himself to be emotionally, he found himself vulnerable, weak, yet completely accepted and embraced during his pain.

After all the tears he could muster had been shed, Bryce started to speak again. Kerass had been so scared to reach out and ask for help. He wouldn’t have even talked at all had he not been caught, but in a strange way Bryce felt like he wanted to be caught, which was completely false. Bryce strongly implored him to share with others, but he knew he couldn’t. He’d never be able to face Mr. Baganz and say it to his face. He’d never be able to share it with Jay. Jay, who’d been right all along, who’d been the only friend who’d truly paid attention, who was a true friend, no, Kerass couldn’t tell Jay. It was too painful to think about. Kerass didn’t view himself as a very clingy or emotional guy and Jay was both of those things to the utmost extreme. Internally he knew he should. Mr. Baganz, Jay, they’d both accept him and care for him through this pain, but Kerass just couldn’t bring himself to speak without being caught.

He sat in silence not doing any schoolwork, just thinking. He felt his lungs were bursting into flames. The desire to confess to Mr. Baganz was so strong that he felt he had trouble breathing. The guilt he felt over hiding his struggles was so overwhelming that he wanted to rectify that. There was no way he could just walk out of study hall without asking permission and he knew that visiting Mr. Baganz wasn’t a good enough excuse, but he had to find a way out.

Standing up, Kerass requested whether he could go to the bathroom. With permission in place, he walked out of the classroom. The hall was completely empty, not even an administrator was walking around. Knowing he had lied, Kerass headed with confidence to the history hallway hoping that Mr. Baganz didn’t have a class that morning.

Jay and Jeremy happened to be talking in the hallway. Kerass bewildered wondered what they were doing outside of class. It dawned on him that they all had study hall that morning.

“Wait,” Kerass paused. “Why isn’t there anyone navigating the hallway?”

“I’m sure it’s nothing,” Jay replied.

“No, it’s too quiet,” Kerass said.

“Something’s wrong,” Jeremy agreed.

The speakers blared. The fire alarm shrieked. The loudspeakers said: “This is not a fire drill. Stay in your classrooms. The school is on lockdown.”

They all burst into Mr. Baganz’s classroom. Mr. Baganz quickly shut the door, turned off the lights and attempted to console them as they all hid underneath the desks on the floor.

“What’s going on?” Kerass demanded.

Mr. Baganz clearly hesitated, but spoke anyway after a moment’s pause. “Someone called into the school claiming there was a bomb in the cafeteria. They just emailed us about it to let any students we recognize in the hallways enter our classrooms without question. The school’s on lockdown because of a bomb threat.”



Cadence, Lyra and Gus sat in the auditorium unsupervised. They all stared at each other trying to understand what was happening. Nothing made any sense.

“Should we hide?” Gus asked.

“Yes,” Cadence whispered in reply.

“Let’s go backstage,” Lyra suggested.

As they rushed backstage, Lyra’s phone buzzed.

“Turn that off!” Cadence whispered concernedly.

“No, wait,” Lyra replied. “It’s from Kerass. It’s a bomb threat. That’s why we’re all hiding.”

“Tell me you’re joking,” Gus closed his eyed.

“You think this is a joke?” Lyra snapped back.

“I just, I can’t,” Gus stammered. “I can’t even, I don’t know what to say.”

“That makes all of us,” Lyra replied. “Well, let’s keep quiet until we hear something.”

“Agreed,” Gus tacked on.

They hid in silence for over an hour. Not a noise was made. Even the sound of their breaths seemed muted.

“I can’t sit in silence any longer,” Lyra murmured shattering the glass wall of silence encapsulating them.

“How long have we been waiting?” Cadence questioned.

“It feels like infinity,” Lyra replied.

“I wish I had ditched,” Cadence added forlornly.

“Let’s talk about something.”

“About what?” Gus asked.

“Anything.”

“You wouldn’t want to hear it,” Gus said.

“It seems like it’s been forever. Not one authority figure has come to search for us,” Cadence added.

“Of course not,” Gus rolled his eyes. “The school’s on lockdown.”

“I wasn’t suggesting that. Let’s try and focus on something else, please,” Lyra begged.

“How long do they expect us to wait?” Cadence asked, her voice trembling.

“Are you crying?” Gus asked.

“Is it that obvious?”

“Only by the sounds,” Lyra tagged in. “It’s not like we can see each other in the darkness. I’m so tired of living in the darkness.”

“What are you talking about, Lyra?” Gus asked.

“I thought it was clear…” Lyra trailed off. “It’s just…we’re all going to die one day. Every single one of us. We might even make it through the day. I’m tired of hiding, but I still can’t bring myself to speak.”

“Can we change the subject please?” Cadence begged.

“Oh, now you’re ok with changing the subject? That’s just great. Thanks Cadence,” Lyra snarkily replied.

“Shut your trap,” Cadence snapped back.

“What are we hiding?” Gus asked. “What are all of us hiding?”

“I can’t say,” Lyra said glumly. “Only us as individuals can begin to answer that question.”

“Well that cleared things up,” Cadence snidely replied.

“What are you hiding, Cadence?” Lyra questioned.

“I already know that answer,” Gus responded.

“Fine. I’ll share. It’s not like I’ve got anything better to do. It’s time,” Cadence said taking a deep breath. “But first why don’t you tell me what you think happened in London?”

“Sure,” Gus replied. “I’ve got nothing to hide. You were in London to find your father.”

Cadence closed her eyes. “I was afraid you’d say that.”

“Why? Because I’m right?”

“How’d you know?”

“Because I was in London for the same reason.”

“What?” Cadence whispered.

“Don’t worry. Like I said, I’ve got nothing to hide. I’ll share after you share.”

“I, I’m sorry I can’t find the words,” Cadence said trying to catch her breath.

“I admit that I should have waited to share that. That’d put me in a loop too. All right, I’ll start,” Gus began. “It’ll give you a moment to compose yourself. My birth father left my mother before I was even born. She had a childhood friend who helped her along with that. He was there throughout the pregnancy and well into the first year of my life. My grandparents looked down on my mother for having a child out of wedlock. They pretend I don’t exist. The only reason I know they’re still alive is because they call my mother on her birthday.

“I do get some attention on my birthday, but not a whole lot. The childhood friend came by every year. He was committed to get to know me, to be a father figure for me. Well anyways, my mother got sick. She’s better now, but when it first started developing she couldn’t work anymore. That’s why we relocated to Oak Stream sophomore year. I couldn’t care less about a change in scenery. We needed the money. That childhood friend offered me a job at his comic book shop. I knew nothing about comic books before then, but I learned quickly to try and excel at the job. Mr. Baysinger has been the only father figure I’ve ever had.

“That’s when I ended up in London. I had heard rumblings that he might be there. That he might want to actually see me. My mother encouraged me to go so that I didn’t have to spend the summer watching her get so sick. Mr. Baysinger discouraged it. He thought it’d only lead to disappointment. He was right. I found him, my birth father, and he wanted nothing to do with me. First off, he didn’t believe me. Even if I had biological proof, which I don’t, I think he’d still choose not to believe. It sounds so wrong but I’ve even forgotten his name by now. I’m never reaching out to him again. He doesn’t even exist.”

Cadence sighed, “I’m so sorry, Gus.”

“Yeah,” Lyra whispered. “I can’t even imagine.”

“Thanks,” Gus mumbled. “I’m glad you can’t because I don’t want anyone to feel the pain that I feel.”

“I think I’ve got some idea, but it’s manifested itself differently,” Cadence said with great trepidation.

“Please,” Gus paused. “Please share.”

“You’ve wanted to hear this story for so long. I was afraid you’d view me differently afterwards.”

“If that does happen, it won’t be in a negative light. I just desperately want to get to know you better. I’m all ears.”

“I am too,” Lyra added.

“Really?” Cadence asked bewildered.

“I know I called you out earlier this year. I’ve been going through hell. I’m sorry,” Lyra said empathetically.

“I don’t know why, but I believe you. Ok,” Cadence took a deep breath. “See my father actually wanted me. He wanted me desperately. It just happened to be in the most perverted way possible.”

“Oh my god,” Lyra breathed.

“That’s right. See Damien wasn’t my first time. Even though I’ve claimed him to be even to myself. The only reason I’ve claimed that to be the night I lost my virginity is because it was finally my choice to do so. It started when I was 11. Dad apologized every time afterwards, promised me he’d never do it again, that he loved me. He didn’t even have the courtesy to be gentle. At least Damien had been. Dad couldn’t stop. He kept doing it. I was too ashamed to mention it to anyone, not even to my mother. He always came up with some excuse. I got banged up at soccer practice or something lame like that.

“My mother finally called the school and discovered I was never on the team. She confronted my father, but he never admitted to it. He never will. Shortly after he ran away and my mother never looked for him. When I ended up in high school at Our Savior, Damien for the first time ever made me feel safe in the arms of a man. Not only did the school expel me for committing myself to him, they made me feel like a slut. How could it be wrong when he treated me so lovingly, so gently?

“I searched for my father all year. I finally found him. He had relocated to London. Our Savior was going on a school trip and well, Mom didn’t know my real reason for going. I found him. I confronted him. I just wanted to ask him why. He locked his office door and forced himself on me one last time. It was his way of saying goodbye. He never talked to me again.”

“Cadence,” Lyra exhaled.

“I don’t know shit,” Gus admitted. “I thought our stories were one and the same. I’m sorry I ever pressured you to tell me, but believe me I’m honored that you did.”

“I know,” Cadence found herself starting to cry. “I don’t think I can handle this without you, Gus.”

“You won’t have to.”

“I thought we were breaking up.”

“Let me clarify,” Gus sharply inhaled. “You’re right. I think it’s a bad idea for us right now at this moment to continue dating. We both need to work through so many things and I don’t think we know how to help each other, but I can say with certainty I’ve never needed your friendship more than I’ve needed it right now.”

“I don’t know if I can do that.”

“It’s up to you,” Gus added gingerly. “What about you, Lyra?”

“What about me?” Lyra replied floored.

“You said you were going through hell. Why don’t you tell us what hell looks like?”

“I can’t,” Lyra stated stoically.

The conversation ended abruptly. Nobody said another word to each other and unlike what Cadence had thought would happen, she didn’t feel any closer to Gus or Lyra. She didn’t feel any better either. She had never felt more alone.



“Is it mandatory to sit in silence?” Kerass asked.

“We don’t have to,” Mr. Baganz chimed in.

“Why? Is there something you want to talk about, Kerass?” Jay inquired.

“Well, actually there was, but I don’t want to talk first.”

“I’ll go,” Jeremy said. “I’ve had a lot to think about over the past several hours. I don’t want to live another day where I can’t forgive myself.”

“How do you figure?” Mr. Baganz asked.

“The owners of the dog I accidentally ran over, they go to our church. They’ve forgiven me, no questions asked. Everyone at church has forgiven me. People at school haven’t, but I was glad they didn’t. I felt I deserved punishment.”

“And what do you think now?” Mr. Baganz prodded.

“I don’t deserve forgiveness at all, but I’ve got it. If they can forgive me without question, well I can forgive myself too.”

“Come off it, man,” Kerass scolded. “It is not that simple.”

“I never said it was, but I want to live differently than I have been. I want things to change. I can’t afford another day of me just punishing myself.”

“I don’t think I could ever forgive myself for something like that,” Kerass added sadly.

“Then I don’t think you understand the Gospel,” Jeremy replied with confidence.

“No, I understand it, I just don’t want to live under it. I’m not sure I ever did,” Kerass sighed running his hand over his buzzed head. “I’m a cutter,” he allowed the words to escape his lips.

“Why, Kerass?” Mr. Baganz asked with utmost sympathy. “Don’t you realize how much people love you?”

“They don’t love me. My father definitely doesn’t,” Kerass murmured.

“Why are you admitting this now?” Jay asked.

“Well, I got caught yesterday. It’s forced me to talk about something that I just wanted to pretend didn’t exist. To be perfectly honest, I didn’t feel comfortable talking about it with anyone, not even you. I was going to say it sooner, but after all that’s happened today, it no longer seemed important to mention.”

“Oh, it is definitely important to talk about this out loud. I’m so proud of you for finally opening up, for sharing,” Mr. Baganz said, leaning over and hugging Kerass.

“You seem awfully quiet, Jeremy,” Jay noticed after he hugged Kerass as well.

“I was a cutter too,” Jeremy exhaled. “I couldn’t face those feelings again. I’m sorry that I failed you as a friend, Kerass. I knew and I didn’t say anything. I don’t know what else to tell you.”

“Don’t beat yourself up over it. I wouldn’t have listened to you anyways.”

“Kerass,” Mr. Baganz stated. “Does your father know about your problem?”

“No, and he never will.”

“I’m not going to tell you that you need to tell him, but you must be talking to someone about this,” Mr. Baganz challenged.

“Can I talk to you about it?”

“Absolutely.”

“I wish I could be more like Jeremy.”

“Why? I’m a train wreck,” Jeremy responded.

“Because you’re past it.”

“I am now, but I didn’t stop until this summer and that was after I had noticed it with you. It became much less frequent over time and talking it out, letting my frustrations out with the Christian Fellowship really helped me. It’s so important to have peer support.”

“I imagine so,” Kerass said. “It’s not just that though. I wish I could forgive myself for my wrongs. I wish I could forgive others, but I can’t. I’m not ready to forgive my father for what he did.”

“What did he do?” Jeremy asked trepidatiously.

“He pulled my mother’s plug, ending her life.”

“Oh no,” Jay whispered tearfully.

“I never knew,” Mr. Baganz said, his eyes welling with tears, “I hope you believe that.”

“I do,” Kerass nodded. “No, I don’t think I’ll ever to be able to forgive my father because I don’t want to.”

The loudspeakers went off again. The school’s lockdown was lifted. The culprit was revealed during the announcement to be a freshman who had called into the school stating a bomb was in the cafeteria. The freshman had been afraid of taking an exam that day. No bomb actually existed.

“Are you freaking kidding me?” Jeremy retorted.

“Stupid freshman,” Kerass said standing up, walking out of Mr. Baganz’s classroom. He knew he should stay behind and talk some more, but he couldn’t bring himself to do so.

“Kerass!” Mr. Baganz called out after him.

“What?” he turned around.

“Please wait. I have a confession to make.”

“I’m waiting.”

“And you’re not going to like what I have to say.”

Fallen Leaves - Chapter 35: Strong

Not a single ray of sunlight broke through the wall of dark clouds surrounding Oak Stream. The street had been cleaned, but you could still see some dried up blood on the point of impact. Jay knocked on Jeremy’s door a second time, glad to be away from the street of the incident. He knew Jeremy was in there ignoring the knocking, the texting, the calling. Jeremy hadn’t gone to school in a week.

“Come on, Jeremey,” Jay called out to him. He continued saying he knew he was in there. “We have to talk about it sometime.”

The door opened. The stench of body odor immediately struck him. Jeremy must not have showered all week. This smell would carry with him for the rest of the day and possibly even the following day. It was all worth it if he opened his mouth.

“Why?” Jeremy asked. “Just so you could say I told you so?”

“Do you think so little of me?” Jay challenged. “What happened in our neighborhood, on my street, is a tragedy. That dog was a beloved part of the community, but all I’m worried about is you.”

“You don’t mean that. I don’t deserve forgiveness. You of all people should know that. You warned me this would happen and like a pig-headed idiot I didn’t listen.”

“You’re not ready to talk about it yet.”

“I’m not strong enough. I can talk about it, but I’m just not ready to be forgiven and I don’t think I’ll ever be,” Jeremy said, his eyes brimming with tears.

“Will you at least let me in? Let me sit with you. I don’t want you to have to process through this alone. We don’t even have to talk.”

“Don’t you have play rehearsals?” Jeremy challenged.

“It already ended. I’m here for you even though obviously you don’t want me to be.”

Jeremy’s face dropped. Jay was being genuine and he believed Jeremy could tell. After a long pause, Jeremy replied, “You sure you want to step into the smell?”

“I’ve already forgiven you for that,” Jay said as he walked past Jeremy into the living room.



With the ticket to the fall show in hand, Cadence opened the door to the empty hallway inside her old stomping grounds Our Savior Lutheran. She wanted to find her old locker. Oddly enough she could still remember the combination, but not the actual locker number. She wondered who took over her locker when she transferred back to Oak Stream sophomore year. Surely there had been more than one occupant since then. Was it possible that they had similar interests? Could she be a part of color guard too, possibly even just joined this year? Was it even a girl?

There was even a part of her that wanted to look through her old locker to try and figure out who this new occupant was. Realizing the thought was completely creepy, she abandoned the drive to find her old locker and the inkling to test her old combination just for kicks.

“Miss?” a voice called down the dark hallway. “May I help you?” a police officer walked over to her.

“I bought a ticket to the show and I can’t exactly find the auditorium,” she lied and from the look on the man’s face, he could tell it too, but when she held up the ticket he backed off.

“Right this way,” the police officer ushered her back towards the lit hallway. She knew exactly where the auditorium was, but to keep face, she pretended like she needed to be led.

Leaving her off at the ticket booth, he bid her farewell. The woman greeted her with a nonchalant smile, which wasn’t all that welcoming, but she hadn’t expected anything better. Just as the ticket was torn as she walked into the auditorium, memories flooded, rushing back at her. The first date she ever had with Damien, the first true date was to see the fall show at Our Savior her freshman year, long before she was forcibly transferred to Oak Stream. That also happened to be the same night she had lost her virginity and to this day even though Damien turned out to be gay, she had no regrets about that decision. Damien was her one and only so far. Gus had a much more emotional, deeper connection with her, but it had never gotten to that point and she wasn’t convinced she wanted it to go there again, especially not as quickly as it had happened with Damien.

Gus wasn’t with her and she was glad that she wasn’t experiencing these memories in his presence. Truthfully she didn’t know where he was. Things hadn’t been the same since that lunch with Mr. Baysinger, but in all reality things had been rough for a while and neither of them wanted to face each other. Neither was willing to give the other what they wanted and that wasn’t healthy.

She saw people she recognized fill into rows in front of her. She waved at two girls she had homeroom with. She hadn’t seen either of them since the last day of freshmen year. They both gawked at her and laughed. It occurred to her then that they didn’t recognize her. They had moved on and so had she. What was she doing wasting her time here? Reliving memories, some of them good, most of them not, anyways she didn’t want to relive them. This was a mistake. There was a reason she had left Our Savior to return to Oak Stream and as much as she had convinced herself at the time, it wasn’t Kerass. Everyone at Our Savior viewed her as a slut. There was no way she could stay. As the lights went down and the curtains opened, she slipped out of the auditorium walking as fast as she could to her car to escape the flood of terrible memories she had internalized over the past few years.



From the corner of Jay’s eye, he saw Cadence walking over to him. As he closed his locker at the end of the school day, he smiled at her. Obviously something was on her mind, and he knew exactly what it was, yet she felt uncomfortable with coming forward.

“Go ahead,” Jay said.

“I beg your pardon?”

“Oh, so you weren’t going to apologize for ditching the Friday one-on-one color guard practice,” he replied. He added that it was understandable because it was a Friday. “People forget. What’s really on your mind?”

“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry I forgot.”

“It’s been forgiven, especially considering that was three days ago. Nothing major.”

“I don’t mean to change the subject on ditching you, but how’s Jeremy doing?”

“Oh, I see,” Jay nodded. It was so sweet and caring of her to ask, especially because she barely knew the dude. “I spent time with him over the weekend, but we didn’t really talk about it.”

“I can’t even imagine. Have people been treating him well?”

“Honestly no. I heard someone just today as I was walking down the hallway beside him yell out animal killer. Of course that would happen on his first day back, a day I had convinced him everything would be fine. He had to have known it was though.”

“He didn’t mean to do it,” Cadence said. Visibly she began to shake. “Why are people so cruel?”

“People are people, but I’m glad that it disturbs you as much as it disturbs me. I just don’t see why others can’t see that he’s already suffering enough as it is. It’s coming mainly from himself and the expectations he has for himself. He’s strong, so much stronger than he thinks.”

“Is there anything I can do to help?” she begged, composing herself.

“I don’t think so. He’s pretty bent out of shape right now.”

“Well, can’t I come over too?”

Jay bit his tongue. While it was a nice proposition, it really seemed out of line. He couldn’t recall a single time that they would have talked one-on-one and the only reason she knew him was because Jay was a close friend of his. “No,” Jay said with finality.

“Well don’t say I never tried to help.”

“No one was claiming that.”

“All right, well I guess I’ll see you next marching band rehearsal,” Cadence said aside.

Jay took note that she wasn’t looking at him while she said it. His heart sank as he watched her walking away from him. She was trying too hard to be a good friend. Cadence wasn’t what Jeremy needed, but it was possible that loving on Jeremy was what Cadence needed. Against his better judgment, Jay called after her stopping her in her tracks.

“Would you at least look at me?” Jay challenged, which caused her to turn around and lock eyes with him. “Do you really want to see him?”

“Yes, you know I do.”

“That’s true. Well the only way you can do that is if you come with me to a meeting that begins in five-minutes.”

“The gay-straight alliance starts then.”

Jay was floored. Completely flabbergasted, he questioned how she knew that.

“Isn’t that where you’re going?”

“No,” he shook his head. “I'm meeting him at the Christian Fellowship.”

Apprehension painted her face. There was a long, awkward pause before she said, “I didn’t know you were Christian.”

“I’m not, but I feel comfortable with them. I can’t explain it.”

“You don’t feel comfortable with the gay-straight alliance?”

“Not one bit.”

“They don’t judge you?”

“They have their opinions, but no, they’re not bothered that I’m gay. They just disagree with me pursuing relationships. Some do, but some are completely cool with it.”

“They’ll think I’m a slut because I’m not a virgin,” Cadence whispered.

“There’s only one way you can find that out. You can feel free to share that, but I’d advise against it on the first visit.”

“I don’t know if I can do it.”

“Well, if you change your mind, you know where to find me and Jeremy in five minutes.”

Not even caring to see her reaction, Jay walked away knowing that comforting Jeremy was a lot more important than comforting Cadence in the moment. In spite of it all, he hoped Cadence would come to the meeting. She needed some love and compassion, which she felt she wasn't receiving from anyone. Only time would tell how she reacted. Just before he walked into the meeting, she tapped his shoulder asking if she could step in first. Smiling, he let her cut in front of him.



“What are you saying?” Bryce, Kerass’s roommate, asked.

“You heard me the first time,” Kerass retorted.

“Just because you don’t have money to go to college doesn’t mean you shouldn’t apply.”

“I can’t even visit.”

“I’ll show you around the community college.”

“I wouldn’t even be able to afford one class and I’d probably flunk that too.”

“Stop looking down on yourself. Please just consider pushing yourself. Don’t throw your life away because you can’t live with your dad.”

Kerass fuming inside glared at Bryce pointing his index finger at him. “You have no right to talk about him. You don’t understand what happened. Nobody does.”

“Then why don’t you start talking?”

“I can’t,” Kerass backed down, feeling his eyes brimming with tears.

“Whatever man,” Bryce commented that they could continue the discussion whenever he was comfortable with it. “I’ll just be a second,” he added as he stepped into the bathroom.

It wasn’t two seconds later when Bryce stepped out with the straight razor, the one Kerass had forgotten to clean the last time he used it. Flecks of dried blood remained around the edge.

“You’re in much deeper trouble than I thought,” Bryce said gentler than Kerass felt he deserved.

“It’s not what you think.”

“Show me your arms.”

“I can’t.”

“Kerass, I’m not judging you for this. Just tell me how to love you. I don’t want you to have to go to the razor anymore.”

Inside Kerass felt his lungs were on fire. He wanted to share, but his fears of how he would react overcame the desire for air. He wasn’t strong enough to speak. Instead, he pulled up the arm of his sweater and showed him the lines on his arm.

Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, Bryce challenged, “You had better start talking.”