There he lay. The rhythmic breathing, the machine keeping him alive, it was so pitiful. Damien held Gus’s hand. Taking a deep breath, they walked over to the bed. Damien kissed Gus’s hand letting it go. Gus leaned over clinging to Jake’s hand.
“No response,” Gus said through his tears. “Please, please,” he whispered begging, “wake up. Open your eyes.”
He so wanted to be there for Gus, but it also felt like such an intimate moment, a moment he shouldn’t bare witness to. “Do you want me to leave you two in peace?” Damien finally asked.
“No,” Gus said, not even looking at him. “You’re the only person other than him who’s seen me this vulnerable.” He leaned forward and gently kissed Jake’s forehead. “I’ll be back,” he promised.
Damien opened his arms. Gus leaned straight into him, crying into his shoulder. So much had changed since they last visited. It had been 6 months and there still was no change in Uncle Jake. He just lay there, motionless outside of the power of technology.
“I’m so sorry, sweetheart,” Damien said, gently patting him on the back.
“Six months,” Gus said whilst breaking the hug. “How can it have been that long already?”
“We never would’ve started what we’ve become, a beautiful, vulnerable couple, had I not seen you here visiting him that day.”
“Are we though?” Gus asked doubtfully. “Are we really a beautiful couple?”
“You’re hot. I’m hot. How is that not beautiful?” Damien joked.
“You know what I mean!” Gus replied pushing him.
Taken aback, Damien tried his hardest to bite his tongue. Gus was going through some tough, emotional things right now. The lack of a father figure and the only one he had being in a coma for six months had to have taken its toll on him. He would keep quiet and let this one pass.
“How can we be when Jay doesn’t know?” Gus asked breaking the silence. “I feel guilty, I feel dirty. Damien, I feel like shit. Yes, the sex was great and all, but I can’t get the idea out of my head that we shouldn’t have done that without talking to Jay first.”
“I have something to tell you,” Damien sighed. Admitting defeat, he knew he had to finally tell him, to share what had been eating away inside of him for days now. “He already knows about us.”
“I may have alluded to such the last time I spoke to him,” Gus sheepishly admitted.
“Well, remember the knock on the door afterwards?”
“Oh, no,” Gus whispered, his eyes widening in terror.
“Yes, he caught me wearing nothing but a towel in your dorm room. How could he not connect the dots?”
“We have to do something, Damien. We have to do it now.”
“How can we?” Damien asked. He added that Jay was hundreds of miles away from them. “Don’t you think this conversation should happen in person?”
“Yeah, you’re right,” Gus nodded. “I can’t stand this anymore. Yes, you’re attractive and I don’t regret having sex with you one bit, but I can’t help but feel like I’m the other man. You manipulated my feelings to get me to like you.”
“You say that like it’s a bad thing. I think what we have is pretty great.”
“Yeah, well it’s not, but it’s the best I’ve got. The truth is I can’t keep away from you. How can we be the great love story, the ultimate couple when we started our relationship through cheating?”
“How can it be cheating if it’s true love?” Damien asked.
“You can explain it away all you want, but until we can clear things up with Jay. Hell, I don’t even care if you propose a threesome for all I care. I’m just sick and tired of sneaking around. I don’t want to hide you and me from anybody, but until then, we’re done.”
Damien leaned forward to kiss him, but Gus punched him. “What the hell are you doing, you could’ve broken my nose!”
“Well, you should thank your lucky stars that I didn’t intend to. I mean it, Damien. No kissing, no holding hands, and especially no sex until we talk with Jay.”
“All right,” Damien whispered in reply. “I read you loud and clear.”
“Good.”
They walked back towards the car. It was going to be one hell of an awkward drive back to Gus’s campus. He couldn’t wait to talk to Jay to get that chapter of his life over with.
Cadence led Kerass over to a couch where they could sit and talk in peace.
“Did you come alone?” she asked. She added that she couldn’t believe he was here. “I’m so thankful, you have no idea.”
“I think I have a fairly good grasp on that.”
Cadence laughed. It had been so long since they had sat down with each other and just been present with one another. She still loved him, but no longer in a romantic way. Kerass was quite possibly the greatest friend she ever had and probably would ever have. “You’re special.”
“You’ve always reminded me of that. What has it been now, like four years?”
“Six.”
“Wow,” Kerass dragged the word out. “We’ve been through a lot, haven’t we?”
“We’ve had our fair share of ups and downs.”
“Yet we always seem to come back to each other.”
“No, Kerass,” Cadence shook her head. “We don’t, you do. You’re a pursuer. You always come back to me. I may have awakened that part in you or made you aware of it, but it’s always been there.”
“We don’t have to talk about me,” Kerass replied blushing.
“But I want to. I’m tired of thinking about me. It’s healthy for me to focus on somebody else for a change.”
“Well, I’d be happy to distract you any time.”
“Did you come alone?”
“Nah, Jay came with me. It was a long drive. He had to pee.”
Cadence snorted. “You didn’t have to explain that.”
“Oh, no, I do. Gotta get in every jab I can with him.”
Shaking her head, she uttered ridiculous to the side. He raised his eyebrows at her. How could they do this? How could they have such a normal conversation? So much had happened. She knew she had told him, not in person, but he was aware, that much was clear. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you after Lyra died.”
He looked away from her. He must be trying to compose himself. “Oh my god,” she said. “I’m so sorry. I struck a nerve, didn’t I?”
He nodded. Wiping tears away, he looked back at her locking eyes. “I’ll be fine,” he reassured her.
“You know it’s ok to cry in front of me,” she said placing her hand on his shoulder.
“I know,” he said sighing. “It’s just…it’s still too soon.”
Jay walked over to them with the biggest smile on his face. Cadence leapt out of her seat instantly hugging him.
“Wow, you two together again. The three of us. It’s like high school never ended.”
“Well, a lot’s happened since then,” Jay observed. “A lot I’d like to forget, but I’m here now. That’s all that matters.”
“Did you know he was taking you here to see me?”
“Honestly?”
She nodded.
“No,” Jay admitted. “But I’m thrilled to be here for you in your time of need. I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
“I knew you’d say that,” she replied brimming with tears. “How did I get so lucky?”
“What do you mean?” Kerass asked.
“Friends like you,” she said locking eyes with both of them, “they’re one in a million. I can’t believe I got both of you.”
“Well, I’m forever loyal,” Jay replied boastfully. “You’re never getting rid of me,” he added beaming.
She laughed. It was so good being here. If her mother forcing her to be here brought them to her again, than this whole week was worth it. “I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna tell Dr. Owens the truth today.”
“You’re on the right track. Honesty is always best,” Jay said.
“Yeah, I agree with Jay,” Kerass chimed in. “You need to be honest, open and vulnerable to move forward with your life. Finally admitting it openly, publicly will help you do that.”
“I honestly feel like I’ve been at a standstill all year. I haven’t been able to move forward at all. I’ve only replayed one decision over and over again. I just can’t move for-”
“Yeah, and it caused you to try and take your life,” Kerass interrupted her. “Stop making excuses, Cadence. It’s time for you to take ownership over what you’ve done so you can finally deal with it.”
Cadence sighed. She didn’t like hearing that, even though she knew it was true. Taking a deep breath, she said, “You’re right, of course. They’ve put me on medicine here and even I recognize that I’m becoming more stable emotionally speaking. I should have gotten on meds a long time ago.”
“Medication is a wonderful thing,” Jay stated. “Don’t solely rely on it though. You have others, friends in your life that you can fall back on, too.”
Nodding, she knew it was time for them to bid farewell. They had driven a long ways to see her and she didn’t want to hold them from driving back any longer. Holding Kerass’s hand, she placed it against her cheek, slowly dragging it off her face. Looking at his face, she could tell he didn’t mind. He didn’t look at her like she was crazy. It was like no time was lost. Hugging both of them tightly, she waved them off. The moment the door shut behind them, she burst into tears.
Jeremy read the first sentence of the letter again. He wasn’t surprised, but he was livid, devastated. Due to his issues with cutting, he had been kicked out of ROTC. How had they found out? He had been so careful to conceal it. Wait a minute, had he really? It didn’t matter now. It was gone. He had nothing else in his life, no direction of where to turn now.
Glancing over at his nightstand, he saw his Bible. No, he wouldn’t read it. God had abandoned him, or at the very least, it felt that way. God had definitely disappointed him. Why? Why had God allowed this to happen? It didn’t make any sense.
Crumpling up the letter in his fist, he felt angrier the tighter the paper became a ball. Silently, he flung the letter across the room watching the paper bounce off the wall, rolling across the floor.
Stepping towards the bathroom, his face red, overflowing with tears, he went straight towards his razor. It was cheap enough to buy one. No matter how many times he threw them away, he always bought another. He hated himself. He felt he was the absolute worst. There was only one way he knew to make him feel better, to stop the pain, to stop his tears. Despising himself even more, he put the razor on his arm and gently cut across it.
Walking across the street, away from campus, Jay smiled thankful he was finally able to find the time to meet up with Gil and his boyfriend, Francis, who he found quite hot.
“What a catch, Gil!” Jay observed. “You’re a lucky man.”
“Thanks, Jay,” Francis replied.
Gil blushed. “You didn’t have to be so blunt about it, man.”
“Don’t tell him to back down. I’ll take any compliment I can get,” Francis responded.
Jay looked down at Francis’s pants.
“Hey!” Gil yelled smacking Jay’s shoulder. “Keep your eyes up, at eye level only.”
“Fine, I guess I deserved that one.”
“Besides, you’ve already got a hot boyfriend,” Gil reassured him.
“An ex, you mean.”
“What?” Francis asked, his tone shocked, suddenly deeply interested.
“Glad to see I caught your attention,” Jay stated locking eyes with Francis. He continued saying it was meant to be. “Damien’s nothing more than an asshole, one who I caught naked in another man’s room, a friend of mine, might I add.”
“My god!” Gil exclaimed. “He seemed so pure, so loyal.”
“I know. Can you believe he actually asked me to wait to have sex with him until marriage?”
“Wow, really?” Francis chimed in.
“Yeah. I should’ve just asked him how often he masturbated. You know, I bet he didn’t even think of me when he did and I know he did.”
“That really sucks, man,” Gil replied patting him on the back. “I’m sorry I smacked you earlier. I had no idea.”
“I know you didn’t. No harm, no foul.”
“What are you gonna do?”
“I don’t know yet. I’ll probably just go out and fuck the first guy who says yes just to spite him.”
“Revenge sex never works out,” Francis scolded him. “It’ll only make you feel dirtier in the long run.”
“I, well, we might have another proposition for you.”
“No, I won’t have sex with you, Gil. No offense, but we never had chemistry together.”
“I’m not asking you to just have sex,” Gil defended himself.
“Yeah, see we’ve both been really honest with each other,” Francis explained. “We both love each other deeply, and we’re committed to each other.”
“Absolutely,” Gil agreed.
“But we both know that, well, at least for us, we can’t have just one partner.”
“See, Jay, we both know that we can’t just love one person. That’s what works for us. We’ve been looking for someone else to be with, not just for sex, but for love and romance, too.”
“You’re looking for a polyamorous relationship?” Jay asked, unsure of how to take the proposition.
“Yes,” Gil said.
“We both know you’re a great guy,” Francis added. “We’d love to have you be the third partner.”
“The third wheel, you mean,” Jay chastised.
“No, just 33% of the relationship. Equal standing, I assure you,” Gil replied.
“Just think about it,” Francis said. “We’ve wanted to ask you previously, but you were accounted for already, and well seeing as you’re free again…”
“How could we not ask you?” Gil smiled reassuringly.
“Yeah, I mean, we only have one shot at this life. Come on, man,” Francis said. “How could we not live while we’re young?”
“I’ll have to think on it,” Jay replied.
“Take your time,” Francis said gently.
It was a sweet proposition, albeit weird. Jay didn’t know what to do with it, but considering that Damien, the purest one of them all fell into cheating, well, he was up for anything just to get away from him. Deep down, he knew he wasn’t made for singleness.
Kerass knocked on the door. He couldn’t believe he was here again. He swore that he would never come back. Yet, here he was standing outside the door, waiting with bated breath for it to open.
“Kerass?” Jordan replied shocked as he opened the door. “I never thought I would see you again.”
“In many ways I don’t think you deserve to have me stand here before you, but I’m willing to move past it if you are.”
“Absolutely,” Jordan nodded quickly. “Come in.”
The room was completely packed. The bed didn’t have sheets on it. The desk and chair that belonged to the school were the only things remaining in the room.
“I’m so sorry I ever hurt you,” Jordan explained. “Please know I never had intentions of harming you. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind when you found me.”
“You don’t have to say it.”
“Thanks, Kerass.”
“Going somewhere?” he asked.
“Uh, yeah.”
“Please tell me you’re not leaving because of me. I’m willing to forgive you. Trust me I am.”
Jordan replied that he believed him. “No, I’m not leaving because of you, Kerass. You are not that powerful. I’m being deported. They’ve called me overseas again. I was given 48 hours notice, so off I go to defend the land of the free.”
Kerass exhaled. He couldn’t believe it. Jordan leaving, heading back to another traumatic situation overseas, it was heartbreaking to see him go. “Can you handle it?” he asked gently.
“I see that you spoke with Neve. She worries often.”
“How can you be leaving? I think I need you now more than ever.”
“No, you never needed me, Kerass, but I sure am glad you want me.”
“Can we talk about me and God?”
Jordan inhaled. Slowly exhaling, he said, “I knew you’d want to. Go on, buddy, talk.”
Dr. Owens looked at Cadence stunned. She knew she’d done it. She said the very words that would get her discharged.
“You’re ready to confess?” Dr. Owens asked. “Confess what?”
“I did it. I murdered my ex.”
“You murdered him? How long ago was this?”
“I can’t even remember now, but I remember every detail of that moment,” Cadence exhaled. She continued saying the memory was forever scarred, etched into her brain. “I can even tell you where I buried him.”
“Is this the man who’s been missing? The one with all the news reports.”
“Yes,” Cadence replied stoically. “I shot him. I killed him. I buried him.”
“You’ll have to show the police the spot.”
“That won’t be a problem. Just get me the hell out of here.”
“I’m afraid this means you’ll leave us in handcuffs.”
“That’s fine,” Cadence said bowing her head. “I’m ready to face the consequences over what I’ve done.”
“Ok. I don’t think we need anything else.”
Cadence thanked Dr. Owens and walked out of the room. She was ready to live again. It didn’t matter if her new life began in jail. At least she could finally move on with her life.
“How could God be so forgiving knowing what we’ve done to him?” Kerass asked disheartened.
“What have we done to him?” Jordan asked.
“Well, we’ve turned our back on him. We’ve abandoned him.” He added that he felt like crap for disowning God in the past. “I just think I’m the absolute worst.”
“We all are, Kerass. You’re no worse than anyone else.”
“How can we forgive?”
“Trust in the spirit. He’ll lead the way, help you out with that.”
“No offense, Jordan, but that’s kind of a shitty answer.”
“But it’s the truth.”
“I guess,” Kerass exhaled.
“Something’s on your mind. You don’t have to share it, but something tells me you want to.”
“Yeah, I’ve been avoiding it,” Kerass sighed. “It’s about my father. See he’s a pastor. His congregation loves him, but I hate him.”
Jordan locked eyes with him. It was uncomfortable, but his gaze never strayed. He never interrupted him.
Continuing, Kerass said, “He killed my mother. See, she was in a coma and he approved to have them pull the plug. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive him for that. That one decision pushed me away from God for years. The sickest thing of all,” he added tearing up, “was that he said he did it for me, to give me money to go to college. He didn’t understand that college didn’t matter. Having my mother, even if she couldn’t respond, that did. God,” he choked the word out, breaking down, “I miss her so much.” Taking a deep breath, he added, “Yet, I still want to walk with the Lord. I want to commit my life to him. Can I even do that if I still have so much pent up hatred towards my father?”
Jordan simply nodded. “Yes. I don’t think that’s possible long term, but the Lord can always grow that in you.”
“Can we do that?” he asked.
“What?”
“Will you bear witness that I’m committing my life to God?”
“I’d be honored.”
“But not here?”
“Kerass, you can’t hide this decision. It’s a bad sign that you want to back down from it.”
“I just want a more picturesque place. I want it just to be you, me, and God for the first moment, but just not in your dorm room.”
Jordan beamed. “Lead the way.”
Julia drove into Oak Stream. The sign greeting her, welcoming her into the town limits, it was all so overwhelming. She was back.
After grieving over Lyra’s passing, it finally felt right to return and visit home. Oddly enough, she felt thrilled to be back. She wanted to reach out to Kerass, but doubted that he was in town. All her old friends, they were all at college. Time had moved on, yet the town seemed exactly the same as she remembered: pathetically dull, boring, yet picturesque, with the most authentic, beautiful people she’d ever met.
It didn’t take long before she saw the red and blue lights flashing on the side of the road. She slowed down and looked. Cadence was in handcuffs. A shallow hole was dug up. The ripped up grass and dirt lay beside. A police officer held up a skull with a hole in the forehead. She was mortified. What had she missed since she left?
Jay stood up walking towards the dorm room door. It must be Kerass who kept knocking. “Forgot your key again?” he asked flabbergasted. “Where have you been all day, Ker-” he paused as he opened the door. Gus and Damien stood before him.
“Can we take a walk?” Damien asked.
“We’ve got something to tell you,” Gus added.
“I’ve got nothing to say to you, to either of you.” He told them they should just turn back now.
“Please?” Gus begged.
“Fine,” he replied disgruntled, quickly walking out the door.
The center of campus had three giant evergreens in a triangle. When you entered them, it was like entering a whole new world. No one disturbed you inside them. Kerass knew that. It was breathtaking, private.
When Jordan looked up, he gasped. “Wow. I’ve seen a lot, but I’ve never seen anything quite as beautiful as this before.”
“You’ve never stepped in here then?”
“Never thought to.”
Kerass looked up. It was just like he remembered it to be, as beautiful as ever. Taking a deep breath, he told Jordan he was ready. “I want to pray now.”
“You lead.”
“God, I’m so sorry I turned my back on you. I don’t even know if I was ever yours to begin with, but I want to be now. Please capture my heart, take my life. I don’t want to live for myself anymore.”
Exhaling, Kerass opened his eyes. “You think he listened?”
“I know he did,” Jordan reassured him. “That was a very honest prayer. I’m so proud of you. Come here,” he said opening up his arms.
Kerass welcomed the embrace. He knew he’d chosen the right person to witness in that moment. He wanted to remember everything about this day, a day he was convinced would forever change his life.
Jay walked beside them on the sidewalk as they walked around campus. No one said a word until they were clearly out of earshot from those around them.
“This had better be good,” Jay said agitated. He implored them to say whatever they had to say.
“It’s difficult. It’ll be hard for you to hear,” Gus said with great trepidation.
“Stop wasting my time! Spit it out.”
“I fell in love with someone else,” Damien said holding Gus’s hand.
“No, Damien, you fell in lust. You two, you’re both pigs as far as I’m concerned. I never want to see you, either one of you again.”
“We’ve had sex, Jay,” Gus stated. “We cheated on you.”
“Yeah, I already know that much. Why are you telling me now?”
“Just in case you had any doubts. How can we make this right?”
“You can’t.”
“Jay, I haven’t been fair to you,” Damien admitted. “You should have been the first guy I slept with. I’m sorry about that.”
“It doesn’t have to be terrible. You can sleep with both of us,” Gus offered.
“Yeah, Jay, neither of us want to lose you as a friend, a dear friend and it felt like the only fair thing to offer was that we’d both sleep with you.”
“What do you say?”
Jay glared at them. “Are you two insane? You’re offering me a threesome after you cheated on me, what the hell is wrong with you?”
“Please, Jay,” Gus pleaded. “Neither of us can feel right about being together unless we make it up to you first. I know you’ve wanted to be with a guy for years now. What’s the harm in letting it be with two friends?”
“Two ex friends,” Jay verbally spat at them. “No, never. You’re despicable, both of you. Fuck you. Fuck you both! Never talk to me again!” he screamed at them.
Jay bolted, running as fast as he could to get away from them. Tears of anger started overflowing down his face.
Kerass passed the final bag to Jordan who put it in the trunk. Turning around, Jordan hugged him, clinging tighter than any hug he’d ever experienced before.
“I’ll never forget you,” Kerass said gently.
“Neither will I,” Jordan sighed as tears brimmed around his eyes.
The car started. Kerass watched him leave. Before he knew it, the car was out of sight. Taking a deep breath, he knew he’d begun a new journey. His first night on the first day of his new life would be spent alone. No, he would never forget this day as long as he lived.
End of Year 6
Sunday, August 12, 2018
Sunday, August 5, 2018
Fallen Leaves - Chapter 59: Stole My Heart
The First Day
Cadence laid on her bed. She had a roommate. The inpatient unit, while cleaner than she expected, was nowhere near where she wanted to be. There was nothing about this place that was fun. It was only filled with broken, sick people. She wasn’t sick. She had just committed a grave mistake. The only person she punished was herself. She wanted to get her life back, but it wasn’t much of anything anyway. There was nothing for her to return to. She had cut everyone out of her life. There was no one to turn to. She would forever be alone.
Her roommate was fine. She couldn’t stop singing, which was deathly annoying, but she kept to herself and never talked with her. Cadence was more than ok with that. No one would ever understand her. Nobody even cared. She couldn’t believe when they asked her if she was voluntary. The answer was yes, but she didn’t think she really had any choice in the matter.
Lying on the bed, she stared at the ceiling. Was this all there was? How had she gotten here? What was there to look forward to in life? What was life besides eating, sleeping, breathing…nothing mattered, not even life itself. She memorized every discrepancy in the paint on the ceiling. She felt she could even see where the paint strokes began and ended. It was beautiful, but far from breathtaking. She knew few people would appreciate the painted ceiling.
She pulled out the journal she’d been given to write out her thoughts. Instead of writing, she used crayons to paint the ceiling magenta, dark red, orange, and purple. The colors bled into each other. By the time she had finished the full portrait, it looked nothing like the ceiling. The imperfections in the paint didn’t seem to exist on the page. She almost used the entirety of the crayons to make the colors deeper, darker. They were nothing but little stubs now. She felt bad, but at least the picture was great.
No, she couldn’t write down her thoughts. She couldn’t even think at all.
Damien held Gus close to him. They both lay naked on the bed. Damien caressed Gus’s face.
“I never thought it would be like this,” he admitted whispering.
“What do you mean?” Gus asked nervously.
“This beautiful,” Damien answered. He added that had he known it would’ve felt this good, he never would’ve waited. “I’ve waited a long time to feel this connected, this special to a man and I can’t believe I found it all in you.”
“I can’t be your everything, Damien.”
“Oh but you are, Gus,” he replied kissing his forehead.
“I love you,” Gus whispered.
Damien paused. He was stunned to hear the words come out of Gus’s mouth. He was usually so closed off emotionally. Seeing him be so emotional, so vulnerable was a gift. “I love you.”
They remained in each other’s embrace for a while. Gus teared up and put his head on Damien’s chest. Damien gently rubbed Gus’s shaven head. A knock at the door disturbed them.
“Could you answer the door?” Gus asked gently. “There’s a towel in the bathroom you could borrow. I can’t exactly say I want us to get clothed yet.”
Damien quickly grabbed the towel and leaned down towards Gus’s face. He whispered, “I won’t be gone long.” They kissed each other ravenously. It was impossible to tear away, but Damien mustered the strength.
He rushed to the door clutching the towel around his waist. A smile burst through him. He couldn’t help but laugh jovially. When he opened the door, he immediately let go of the towel in his grasp. “Jay…” he gasped quietly.
“Thank you, Damien,” Jay replied. “That’s all I needed to know,” he added scathingly just before he walked away.
Damien grabbed the towel and quickly ran after him, but all the stares of him wearing nothing but a towel down the hallway made him reconsider his decision. He rushed back into the room.
“Who was it?” Gus asked him from the bedroom.
Damien locked the door, putting his head against the wall sighing. “Nobody for you to worry about.”
He knew he had made his choice. He now had to live with it. He dropped the towel and headed straight back to Gus in the bedroom.
Walking around the unit, Cadence averted eye contact with everyone she passed. She was on a mission and no one was going to disturb her journey there. Stepping up to the nurse’s station, she saw a large semi-circular desk with multiple computers and only one nurse.
“You’re not alone, are you?” she asked.
“Oh, no,” the nurse reassured her. “Everyone else is accounted for at lunch.”
“Oh…” she dragged the word out. She told the nurse she was sorry he was all alone.
“Oh, but I’m not. They’ll be back shortly,” he reassured her.
“What’s your name?”
“Kyle,” he replied.
“That’s not exactly the most unique name.”
“How very observant of you,” he said through a smile.
She felt guilty, but it was weird how he insulted her through his smile. Granted his tone wasn’t condoning, neither were his words, but she couldn’t help but feel she had agitated him. “I’m sorry if I said something wrong.”
“It’s all fine, Cadence.”
“Uh, how do you know my name?” she asked fearfully.
“I know all my patients’ names. Remember when you got your picture taken when you first came in?”
She nodded in reply. She wasn’t happy about the whole process, but decided it’d be best to be compliant.
“Well, we have pictures of all the patients. It helps us get to know all of you better.”
“Oh, I see…” she trailed off. She knew it. She was nothing more than a face to him. Nothing more than a statistic, a number. No, there was no way she would ever get help here.
“Is there anything I can help you with?” he asked her gingerly.
“No, I,” she sighed, “I just haven’t seen my doctor yet.”
“I’m so sorry but Dr. Owens isn’t in today. I thought I had mentioned it to you earlier today.”
“Why isn’t she here?” Cadence demanded.
“She’s sick. She’ll be back tomorrow,” Kyle reassured her.
Cadence rolled her eyes. Just her luck. This place was a mistake. What was her mother thinking? This place was nothing more than a nightmare.
The Second Day
Cadence sat alone in her room, her journal across her lap. She sat cross-legged on her bed. Today in a black crayon she had written in big block letters: I HATE IT HERE. The last line of the e trailed off to the bottom corner of the page. She had pressed so hard with the crayon that there were tears in the page on the line to the bottom corner. She was amazed that there were even tears in the following pages.
Disgruntled, she ripped the page out crumpling it into her fist and chucked it against the wall. She didn’t yell, but she was extremely aggravated. She still hadn’t seen her doctor and she couldn’t get out of there until her doctor put the stamp of approval to be discharged. It was awful, utterly disdainful. She had to get out of this hellhole.
A knock on her door startled her. A man with a badge looked at her. She stared at him for a few seconds creeped out that he was standing at her door. “Yes?” she demanded.
“Uh, yeah, um, you asked me to let you know when the patient phone was available.”
“Oh, right,” she replied relaxing. She placed her feet on the floor and slowly rose up. Internally she knew she should thank him for letting her know, but she just didn’t care. She brushed past him as he quickly got out of the doorway.
“How are you doing today, Cadence?” he asked gently.
“Shitty,” she uttered breathily.
“Oh, well, I’m sorry to hear that.”
She turned around, fidgeting her hands. “Look, could you just like not today?” she quietly asked. The agitation was at an all time high. She didn’t feel well, but being around all these sick people didn’t help her at all. It just made her feel worse.
The patient phone was blocked off for privacy purposes, which she greatly appreciated. It was a very old phone, a rotary dial. It was difficult to remember her mother’s phone number, but she stretched her memory enough and dialed. It rang and rang and rang. Eventually it went to voicemail. She hung up grunting. She felt more alone than ever.
Kerass walked around campus. He just wanted to get away from everyone again. It had been great to have them fawn all over him when he was in the hospital, but he was tired of them walking on eggshells around him. No, he didn’t need to be pampered. He simply needed to clear his head, hence why he found himself walking.
The beauty of the campus never failed to take his breath away. He couldn’t believe how lucky he was to be alive, to walk around on a campus that wasn’t completely paved over with concrete. It was a wonder to behold. He paused. He wanted to take a moment to thank God for the beauty that he beheld, but he was afraid to. No, he must remember the dream, the most wonderful dream. Internally he thanked God for nature, for trees, grass, flowers and the calming way they made him feel. He thanked God for exposing his beauty.
That was it. It was that simple. There was nothing to fret over. He felt much better after he reached out and thanked God. He didn’t hear anything back. He felt no reassurance of anything other than he did the right thing.
As he pivoted to walk back to his dorm he saw her, the girl who attempted to stop him going into Jordan’s room. She was jogging. Her eyes lit up when she noticed him. She instantly jogged over to him and started jogging in place to cool herself down.
“I was hoping I would see you,” she told him coming to a complete stop. “We haven’t been properly introduced yet. I’m Neve,” she said holding out her hand.
Taking it, he replied, “My name’s-”
“Oh, I know who you are Kerass,” she cut him off. She added that much was obvious. “I’ve heard so much about you.”
“Pardon me?” he asked flustered.
“I’m Jordan’s girlfriend.”
Kerass held his breath. How could this guy, a monstrous man who tried to kill him, have a girlfriend? None it made sense. Slowly, he exhaled demanding that he not reveal his shock and utter horror to her.
“I know, you don’t really understand.”
“Are you still together with him?” he asked raising his eyebrows.
“Yes, and you have to know why, but not here.”
“Pray tell?”
“It’s too intimate,” she said locking eyes with him. “Believe me, you’ll want to hear this.”
“Ok,” he stoically replied.
“Tomorrow at noon, meet me outside my dorm room. I live in Ingles 116. Promise me you’ll meet me there?”
Kerass inhaled. It was a lot to ask of him. He wanted nothing to do with Jordan, but she seemed so determined. How could he say no? All he had to do was show up. “Sure.”
Cadence sat before her doctor, Dr. Ranae Owens.
Dr. Owens strummed her fingers on the desk before her. “Why are you here?” she asked.
“Isn’t it obvious?” Cadence replied disdainfully.
“I want to hear in your own words.”
“Because I tried to kill myself,” she replied. She stated her disappointment in not succeeding. “I guess we can’t always get what we want in life.”
“Why did you try to kill yourself?”
“I can’t tell you,” she replied. She couldn’t keep eye contact. Dr. Owens locked eyes with her like how Kerass did. She believed she could see into her very soul. “You’ll judge me.”
“This is a judgment-free zone. Please share.”
This wasn’t true. There wasn’t a lick of truth in anything Dr. Owens said. There was no such thing as a judgment-free zone. Why should she open up to someone she was just a number to? This whole thing was pure madness. It only made her angrier. She wasn’t going to stay here in this room getting pummeled for incriminating information, not for another second.
“No,” she whispered. She quickly stood up, bolting out of the room whilst slamming the door shut behind her.
The Third Day
Cadence exhaled. She finally started talking to her roommate last night. While she was still asleep that morning, Cadence couldn’t help but like the girl. Her roommate Jamie was a girl who loved to read. She daren’t ask her what she was reading, but she simply respected anyone who in today’s world took time to exercise their brain, their imaginations.
Jamie stirred and slowly rose out of bed stretching. Placing her feet on the concrete floor, she turned and picked up a large leather book that remained on her nightstand.
Cadence knew exactly what it was. It was a Bible. Jamie didn’t speak a word while she read, and Cadence wasn’t about to disturb her now. While she still hated the Bible with a fiery passion, she found herself amazed that anyone who would dedicate their lives to a work of fiction would take it so seriously as to have the first task of the day be to simply read from it. Stunning, maybe. Stupid, absolutely, yet commendable nonetheless. She couldn’t exactly call it beautiful for that was a book that was full of hate and judgment, but still Jamie seemed to take it a lot more seriously than anyone she’d ever met, definitely more so than Kerass ever did back when they were dating years ago.
“Oh!” Jamie blurted out startled.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to frighten you.”
“It’s nothing,” Jamie reassured her. “I just didn’t expect you to be awake. You were up again pacing back and forth in the wee hours of the morning.”
“Was I?” Cadence asked. She stated she hadn’t noticed. “I guess I’m really sick, huh?”
“No more than the rest of us. Were you up the whole time while I was reading?”
Cadence nodded.
“I see,” Jamie replied. “I read out of Luke today.”
“I’m sorry, Jamie, but I really don’t care.”
“Sure thing,” she whispered in reply.
Cadence couldn’t stand just sitting still. She got up and without a word she walked out of her room to walk around the unit.
Taking a deep breath, Kerass tried to calm his thoughts before he knocked on Neve’s door. In mid-knock the door opened. She stood before him in a tie-dye shirt and blue genes. He knew he shouldn’t feel this way, but he couldn’t help but feel attracted to her. She looked hot. There was no other way of putting it.
“Why don’t you come in and sit down?” she asked pointing at the chair by her desk as she sat cross-legged on her bed.
Looking around the room, he saw posters for One Direction, Titanic, and the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers of all things.
“Cool posters,” Kerass observed monotone.
“Oh, thanks I guess.”
“Why?”
“Well, One Direction is the greatest band ever and they provided us the greatest five years the music world has ever seen and you’ll never convince me otherwise. Titanic is my favorite movie. It’s gorgeous, breathtaking and oh, so sweet. It’s perfect. As far as Power Rangers goes, why not? They’re my favorite superheroes and well in this day and age we need some fun superheroes where you’re not concerned over how dark the ending will be. You always know how Power Rangers will end and that is an encouraging thought.”
“Ok, then,” Kerass replied unable to comprehend what she just said.
He glanced at the mirror on the desk. He couldn’t see himself. There was no room for a reflection at all. The mirror was plastered with pictures of girls he had seen from a distance at Droplet.
“You go to Droplet?”
“Yep, those are my girls. The mural helps me to remember that I shouldn’t put myself over anyone else. That’s exactly what Jesus did for me. It also reminds me to pray for them daily.”
“Wow, that’s cool. I’ve gone to a few meetings myself.”
“I knew I’d seen you before that day. Droplet’s wonderful. That’s actually how Jordan and I met,” she replied wistfully. Quickly adding that it was a long story, she stated she didn’t want to dwell on it. “We’ve got much more important things to discuss.”
“Fine. Why don’t we skip the rest of the pleasantries and you can just tell me what you need to say.”
“Absolutely,” Neve replied nodding. “See, Kerass, Jordan wasn’t attacking you, he was attacking an enemy.”
“I’m not following. What exactly do you-”
“Just listen,” she interrupted him, “please. You can ask any questions you want after I’m done.”
Kerass remained quiet, breathing deeply to try and calm his thoughts of retaliating.
“Jordan’s sick. He suffers from posttraumatic stress disorder. There’s so much we don’t know about PTSD. Right now it’s incurable. I bet he never told you he’s spent some time fighting overseas, did he?”
Considering she paused waiting for his answer, he felt it ok to reply. “No,” he shook his head.
“That’s what I thought. He’s quite ashamed of it because he can’t control it. He saw things that he can never unsee. Jordan sometimes doesn’t know where he’s at. He has to sit in a specific seat in a classroom so that he’s aware of his surroundings otherwise he becomes overwhelmed with fear and dread and when that happens his self-protection mode takes over and he does things he regrets, things beyond his control.
“See, you and I, when we look at my dorm room, we see the posters, the pictures, the wall. He sometimes sees the outdoors overseas. I can’t confirm that’s what he saw when I tried to stop you from going inside his room, but I know he was having one of his episodes, that he wasn’t really himself. I feared deeply he had killed you. He’s barely slept since he realized what he did to you. He’s so fond of you, thinks so highly of you,” she said with the smallest smile while she locked eyes with him.
“I won’t tell you what to do. He’s not exactly my boyfriend anymore. He proposed to me last night actually,” she stated giggling with joy. “I’m stuck with him permanently and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I find his zeal for God, for Jesus breathtakingly beautiful. You don’t have to do anything with him, but if I may suggest something, I beg you to forgive him.”
“Why are you telling me this? Why isn’t he the one speaking?”
“He feared you wouldn’t meet with him if he asked.”
Kerass nodded. He didn’t know what he felt. Overwhelmed was an understatement. He just sat and thought, tried to clear his head from any prejudices. It was impossible. He wasn’t ready to forgive Jordan yet, not by a long shot.
Cadence glared at her mother.
“When can I go home?” she demanded.
“Whenever you start talking and telling the doctor what’s going on. Don’t think I don’t know that you’ve stormed out on her.”
“You have no comprehension of what I’ve been through!” she started screaming at her mother. She continued saying there was no way she could possibly understand what was going on. “I’m completely alone here. No one gets me and they never will,” she added bitterly, her face beet red, tears incessantly falling off her cheeks.
“Please tell me. Whatever it is, it’s not worth you giving up on life. It’s not worth you taking your own life.”
“I deserve it for what I’ve done,” Cadence whispered in reply.
“I don’t want to fight anymore,” her mother gently replied. “Can we just try and enjoy this brief time we’ve got together?”
Cadence nodded as she wiped tears off her face. The rest of the hour was complete and utter bliss. Cadence found herself laughing for the first time since she could remember. They chatted about stupid stories from the past that in hindsight were hysterical. She never thought she would ever feel this happy again, but for those few minutes she thought of nothing except joy and happiness.
Bidding her mother farewell, she cried as they hugged each other goodbye. Her mom broke the hug first. “I’ll see you soon,” she reassured her.
“I look forward to it,” Cadence choked out weeping.
The Fourth Day
Cadence locked eyes with Dr. Owens who sat before her behind a desk.
“You seem engaged today,” Dr. Owens observed.
“I am,” she replied jubilantly. “I’m ready. I want to get better.”
“Well, that’s great to hear. You know that’s what we’re here for to help you process through how to handle your stresses. There’s no shame if medication is needed, but it can’t be the only thing you rely on either.”
“Absolutely not.”
“What’s one thing you’re going to do when stress overwhelms you?”
“I’ll pick up a book to distract myself,” Cadence promised.
“That’s very good. Exercise your mind, your imagination. Sometimes that can be the best medicine of all.”
“100% agree with you.”
“Well, good. I guess we’ll see you tomorrow then,” the doctor smiled at her while ushering her out the door.
“Can’t I leave today?” Cadence begged.
“No,” she replied. “I want at least one more day of monitoring before we let you go back into the world.”
Cadence felt anger boil up inside of her, but decided not to comment on it. “That’ll be fine, Dr. Owens.”
“I know it will be because I said it,” Dr. Owens replied chuckling to herself.
Cadence gently opened the door and rushed out of the room. Her head was spinning. She didn’t hear what she wanted to. She had to grab a book, any book she could find to distract herself.
Rushing over to the bookshelf she found all of the books were unaccounted for. Others must have grabbed them. This was impossible. This never happened. Frustrated she paced back and forth from wall to wall.
Hold on. There was one book she could read. But of all the books, why did it have to be that one? Whatever, she needed it and she needed to read right now to quiet her mind which was going at a hundred miles an hour.
Bursting the door open, nearly throwing the door off its hinges, she rushed towards her roommate’s nightstand. To her great relief, she discovered the giant leather book was still there. She held it close. Placing it against her chest she took a deep breath thankful for the fact that it was there when she needed it most.
She didn’t care what she read, only that she was reading. Opening up the book two thirds of the way in, the Bible fell open to a book called Matthew. Admittedly, she’d never heard of such a book. She turned the pages back to get to the beginning of the book.
At the start of the first chapter was a long list of names, a genealogy. She was so grateful. It was so mundane and monotonous. Instantly, it quieted her mind by the sheer repetition of the list. But she wouldn’t stop once she finished the list, oh no. She was determined now, even if it meant spending the entire day, to read through the whole book. Nothing else bothered her as she continued to read.
Placing his phone down, Kerass exhaled. What an incredible voicemail he’d just received. He had to sit down. He’d listened to it while he walked back to his dorm room. This couldn’t be happening. This wasn’t real. He had to do something.
Before he could think of anything, Jay walked into the room, his hands covering his face, sniffling. It would have to wait, at least for the moment.
“Jay?” Kerass asked gently, standing up, gently rubbing Jay’s right forearm. “Talk to me, buddy.”
“Kerass,” Jay choked out, hugging him instantly, crying into his shoulder.
They remained in their embrace for a long time. Kerass just held him there, gently rubbing his back. Jay finally broke the embrace.
“I think I cried all the tears I could muster,” he said with a slight chuckle.
“It’s all fine. No shame, my friend. Never be ashamed to cry in front of me.”
“I’m not,” Jay replied, a smile crept across his face, “but I’ve gotta get out of here.”
“How would you feel about a road trip?” Kerass asked. It was impossible not to laugh at Jay’s bewildered expression.
Cadence closed the book. The story was beautiful. It wasn’t full of hatred as she once thought. No, Jesus was a very compassionate man who sought the unwanted, the unseen and gave them attention and love. He also was an incredibly rebellious man who fought against the religious authority of the day. That sounded awfully familiar. She couldn’t help but push against religion and the elitists who presented themselves as holier than thou.
She heard a gasp, which startled her. Looking up, she saw Jamie with her hand on her heart.
“What are you doing reading the Holy Scriptures?” Jamie asked.
“You’re not upset, are you?” Cadence asked trepidatiously.
“Not at all. Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not really,” Cadence replied. “I still haven’t changed my mind about religion or Christians or any of that shit, but Jesus, if this story is true, I’m all for him and his rebellious nature.”
“Jesus isn’t rebellious, not at all!” Jamie yelled back at her.
“He is too rebellious. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Jesus is cool. He’s hella awesome.”
“He is completely obedient to God the Father. There isn’t a rebellious bone in His body. I will not let you speak of my savior that way.” She added that Cadence had committed the worst sin of all, the sin of blaspheming.
Blaspheming, whatever that meant, much have been bad based on the look of hellfire burning in her eyes.
“Now give it back to me, you heathen,” Jamie replied with utter disdain.
“Whatever,” Cadence shook her head handing the book back to her. Muttering under her breath, she added, “Crazy bitch.”
Jay leaned back in the passenger seat as Kerass sped down the highway. It was so good to be back with his best friend. Why had they ever let others get in the way of their friendship? Jay couldn’t even remember, but it was foolish, complete and utter nonsense in retrospect.
“Come on, buddy,” Kerass urged Jay. “Spill.”
“Where to begin?” Jay asked, more to himself than to Kerass. He stated everything had gone to shit.
“In what way?”
“Well, my boyfriend, no, no, my ex is cheating on me with your best friend apparently.”
“My best friend? Whom exactly would that be?”
“Gus,” Jay exhaled livid.
“Gus isn’t my best friend, buddy. Not anymore, not for a long time actually.”
“Then who is?”
“No one really, at least not right now. I guess you’d be the closest, even though it’s been years since we were close.”
“Yeah…” Jay trailed off deflated.
“Anyway, back to the issue at hand. Damien and Gus, huh? What a sickening thought.”
“Yeah, Damien’s cheating on me with Gus. I caught him naked in Gus’s room.”
“Oh my god!” Kerass replied incredulously. “You caught him, then?”
Jay nodded.
“I can’t see your nonverbal responses, Jay. I gotta keep my eyes on the road.”
“Oh, of course. Yes, I caught the bastard.”
“I’m so sorry, Jay. Damien told me about it, wanted me to keep it a secret. I implored him that he had to tell you or he and I would be caput.”
“You defended me?”
“I’ll always defend you, Jay. You are after all my oldest friend. You’re a lot of things, but this just isn’t right. I can’t associate with either of them, not after what they’ve done to you.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Jay asked quietly.
“I haven’t seen you for a few days,” Kerass defended himself. “I didn’t have time to, plus I didn’t want to pull the rug out from Damien just in case he did tell you.”
“Gus alluded to it earlier. It wasn’t hard to catch them after that. But seeing him naked…the fact that they had sex-”
“You don’t know that for sure.”
“Come off it, Kerass! You can’t possibly be that stupid. I know they did it. Last year, Damien asked me to wait for him until marriage. He stole my heart before he stomped on it and now he’s gone and had sex with someone I considered to be a good friend. Damien, Gus, they’re nothing more than cowardly, manipulative liars.”
“I’m not arguing with you on that, bud. I think you hit the nail on the head.”
“I don’t want to talk about it anymore.” Jay sighed. “Where are we going anyway?”
Kerass turned and smiled at him saying, “To visit an old friend in need.”
The Final Day
Cadence opened her eyes. Another day with her crazy ass roommate. She couldn’t stand another second to be in the room with her.
She rushed out of the room to give herself some space, some breathing room. She would never read that book again. If that was the reaction she got from reading it and her interpretation of it, then she never wanted to even touch it ever again. She felt dirty. Shaking her hands she tried to get that disgusting, slimy feeling off her palms. She gagged at the very thought of holding it.
“Cadence!” Kyle, the male nurse, called out after her.
Turning around she asked, “What?” She added that she was kind of in a hurry.
“To where?”
The question struck her by surprise. She had no place to go. Nothing about how she replied made any sense. “Nowhere, I guess.”
“Well, you have a visitor,” Kyle said pointing to his right.
She exhaled. She couldn’t believe it. He was here. He came. She rushed forward and jumped in his arms, wrapping her legs around his waist. Nothing else mattered. She burst into tears of sheer joy. She couldn’t help but scream from excitement.
“Kerass!”
Cadence laid on her bed. She had a roommate. The inpatient unit, while cleaner than she expected, was nowhere near where she wanted to be. There was nothing about this place that was fun. It was only filled with broken, sick people. She wasn’t sick. She had just committed a grave mistake. The only person she punished was herself. She wanted to get her life back, but it wasn’t much of anything anyway. There was nothing for her to return to. She had cut everyone out of her life. There was no one to turn to. She would forever be alone.
Her roommate was fine. She couldn’t stop singing, which was deathly annoying, but she kept to herself and never talked with her. Cadence was more than ok with that. No one would ever understand her. Nobody even cared. She couldn’t believe when they asked her if she was voluntary. The answer was yes, but she didn’t think she really had any choice in the matter.
Lying on the bed, she stared at the ceiling. Was this all there was? How had she gotten here? What was there to look forward to in life? What was life besides eating, sleeping, breathing…nothing mattered, not even life itself. She memorized every discrepancy in the paint on the ceiling. She felt she could even see where the paint strokes began and ended. It was beautiful, but far from breathtaking. She knew few people would appreciate the painted ceiling.
She pulled out the journal she’d been given to write out her thoughts. Instead of writing, she used crayons to paint the ceiling magenta, dark red, orange, and purple. The colors bled into each other. By the time she had finished the full portrait, it looked nothing like the ceiling. The imperfections in the paint didn’t seem to exist on the page. She almost used the entirety of the crayons to make the colors deeper, darker. They were nothing but little stubs now. She felt bad, but at least the picture was great.
No, she couldn’t write down her thoughts. She couldn’t even think at all.
Damien held Gus close to him. They both lay naked on the bed. Damien caressed Gus’s face.
“I never thought it would be like this,” he admitted whispering.
“What do you mean?” Gus asked nervously.
“This beautiful,” Damien answered. He added that had he known it would’ve felt this good, he never would’ve waited. “I’ve waited a long time to feel this connected, this special to a man and I can’t believe I found it all in you.”
“I can’t be your everything, Damien.”
“Oh but you are, Gus,” he replied kissing his forehead.
“I love you,” Gus whispered.
Damien paused. He was stunned to hear the words come out of Gus’s mouth. He was usually so closed off emotionally. Seeing him be so emotional, so vulnerable was a gift. “I love you.”
They remained in each other’s embrace for a while. Gus teared up and put his head on Damien’s chest. Damien gently rubbed Gus’s shaven head. A knock at the door disturbed them.
“Could you answer the door?” Gus asked gently. “There’s a towel in the bathroom you could borrow. I can’t exactly say I want us to get clothed yet.”
Damien quickly grabbed the towel and leaned down towards Gus’s face. He whispered, “I won’t be gone long.” They kissed each other ravenously. It was impossible to tear away, but Damien mustered the strength.
He rushed to the door clutching the towel around his waist. A smile burst through him. He couldn’t help but laugh jovially. When he opened the door, he immediately let go of the towel in his grasp. “Jay…” he gasped quietly.
“Thank you, Damien,” Jay replied. “That’s all I needed to know,” he added scathingly just before he walked away.
Damien grabbed the towel and quickly ran after him, but all the stares of him wearing nothing but a towel down the hallway made him reconsider his decision. He rushed back into the room.
“Who was it?” Gus asked him from the bedroom.
Damien locked the door, putting his head against the wall sighing. “Nobody for you to worry about.”
He knew he had made his choice. He now had to live with it. He dropped the towel and headed straight back to Gus in the bedroom.
Walking around the unit, Cadence averted eye contact with everyone she passed. She was on a mission and no one was going to disturb her journey there. Stepping up to the nurse’s station, she saw a large semi-circular desk with multiple computers and only one nurse.
“You’re not alone, are you?” she asked.
“Oh, no,” the nurse reassured her. “Everyone else is accounted for at lunch.”
“Oh…” she dragged the word out. She told the nurse she was sorry he was all alone.
“Oh, but I’m not. They’ll be back shortly,” he reassured her.
“What’s your name?”
“Kyle,” he replied.
“That’s not exactly the most unique name.”
“How very observant of you,” he said through a smile.
She felt guilty, but it was weird how he insulted her through his smile. Granted his tone wasn’t condoning, neither were his words, but she couldn’t help but feel she had agitated him. “I’m sorry if I said something wrong.”
“It’s all fine, Cadence.”
“Uh, how do you know my name?” she asked fearfully.
“I know all my patients’ names. Remember when you got your picture taken when you first came in?”
She nodded in reply. She wasn’t happy about the whole process, but decided it’d be best to be compliant.
“Well, we have pictures of all the patients. It helps us get to know all of you better.”
“Oh, I see…” she trailed off. She knew it. She was nothing more than a face to him. Nothing more than a statistic, a number. No, there was no way she would ever get help here.
“Is there anything I can help you with?” he asked her gingerly.
“No, I,” she sighed, “I just haven’t seen my doctor yet.”
“I’m so sorry but Dr. Owens isn’t in today. I thought I had mentioned it to you earlier today.”
“Why isn’t she here?” Cadence demanded.
“She’s sick. She’ll be back tomorrow,” Kyle reassured her.
Cadence rolled her eyes. Just her luck. This place was a mistake. What was her mother thinking? This place was nothing more than a nightmare.
The Second Day
Cadence sat alone in her room, her journal across her lap. She sat cross-legged on her bed. Today in a black crayon she had written in big block letters: I HATE IT HERE. The last line of the e trailed off to the bottom corner of the page. She had pressed so hard with the crayon that there were tears in the page on the line to the bottom corner. She was amazed that there were even tears in the following pages.
Disgruntled, she ripped the page out crumpling it into her fist and chucked it against the wall. She didn’t yell, but she was extremely aggravated. She still hadn’t seen her doctor and she couldn’t get out of there until her doctor put the stamp of approval to be discharged. It was awful, utterly disdainful. She had to get out of this hellhole.
A knock on her door startled her. A man with a badge looked at her. She stared at him for a few seconds creeped out that he was standing at her door. “Yes?” she demanded.
“Uh, yeah, um, you asked me to let you know when the patient phone was available.”
“Oh, right,” she replied relaxing. She placed her feet on the floor and slowly rose up. Internally she knew she should thank him for letting her know, but she just didn’t care. She brushed past him as he quickly got out of the doorway.
“How are you doing today, Cadence?” he asked gently.
“Shitty,” she uttered breathily.
“Oh, well, I’m sorry to hear that.”
She turned around, fidgeting her hands. “Look, could you just like not today?” she quietly asked. The agitation was at an all time high. She didn’t feel well, but being around all these sick people didn’t help her at all. It just made her feel worse.
The patient phone was blocked off for privacy purposes, which she greatly appreciated. It was a very old phone, a rotary dial. It was difficult to remember her mother’s phone number, but she stretched her memory enough and dialed. It rang and rang and rang. Eventually it went to voicemail. She hung up grunting. She felt more alone than ever.
Kerass walked around campus. He just wanted to get away from everyone again. It had been great to have them fawn all over him when he was in the hospital, but he was tired of them walking on eggshells around him. No, he didn’t need to be pampered. He simply needed to clear his head, hence why he found himself walking.
The beauty of the campus never failed to take his breath away. He couldn’t believe how lucky he was to be alive, to walk around on a campus that wasn’t completely paved over with concrete. It was a wonder to behold. He paused. He wanted to take a moment to thank God for the beauty that he beheld, but he was afraid to. No, he must remember the dream, the most wonderful dream. Internally he thanked God for nature, for trees, grass, flowers and the calming way they made him feel. He thanked God for exposing his beauty.
That was it. It was that simple. There was nothing to fret over. He felt much better after he reached out and thanked God. He didn’t hear anything back. He felt no reassurance of anything other than he did the right thing.
As he pivoted to walk back to his dorm he saw her, the girl who attempted to stop him going into Jordan’s room. She was jogging. Her eyes lit up when she noticed him. She instantly jogged over to him and started jogging in place to cool herself down.
“I was hoping I would see you,” she told him coming to a complete stop. “We haven’t been properly introduced yet. I’m Neve,” she said holding out her hand.
Taking it, he replied, “My name’s-”
“Oh, I know who you are Kerass,” she cut him off. She added that much was obvious. “I’ve heard so much about you.”
“Pardon me?” he asked flustered.
“I’m Jordan’s girlfriend.”
Kerass held his breath. How could this guy, a monstrous man who tried to kill him, have a girlfriend? None it made sense. Slowly, he exhaled demanding that he not reveal his shock and utter horror to her.
“I know, you don’t really understand.”
“Are you still together with him?” he asked raising his eyebrows.
“Yes, and you have to know why, but not here.”
“Pray tell?”
“It’s too intimate,” she said locking eyes with him. “Believe me, you’ll want to hear this.”
“Ok,” he stoically replied.
“Tomorrow at noon, meet me outside my dorm room. I live in Ingles 116. Promise me you’ll meet me there?”
Kerass inhaled. It was a lot to ask of him. He wanted nothing to do with Jordan, but she seemed so determined. How could he say no? All he had to do was show up. “Sure.”
Cadence sat before her doctor, Dr. Ranae Owens.
Dr. Owens strummed her fingers on the desk before her. “Why are you here?” she asked.
“Isn’t it obvious?” Cadence replied disdainfully.
“I want to hear in your own words.”
“Because I tried to kill myself,” she replied. She stated her disappointment in not succeeding. “I guess we can’t always get what we want in life.”
“Why did you try to kill yourself?”
“I can’t tell you,” she replied. She couldn’t keep eye contact. Dr. Owens locked eyes with her like how Kerass did. She believed she could see into her very soul. “You’ll judge me.”
“This is a judgment-free zone. Please share.”
This wasn’t true. There wasn’t a lick of truth in anything Dr. Owens said. There was no such thing as a judgment-free zone. Why should she open up to someone she was just a number to? This whole thing was pure madness. It only made her angrier. She wasn’t going to stay here in this room getting pummeled for incriminating information, not for another second.
“No,” she whispered. She quickly stood up, bolting out of the room whilst slamming the door shut behind her.
The Third Day
Cadence exhaled. She finally started talking to her roommate last night. While she was still asleep that morning, Cadence couldn’t help but like the girl. Her roommate Jamie was a girl who loved to read. She daren’t ask her what she was reading, but she simply respected anyone who in today’s world took time to exercise their brain, their imaginations.
Jamie stirred and slowly rose out of bed stretching. Placing her feet on the concrete floor, she turned and picked up a large leather book that remained on her nightstand.
Cadence knew exactly what it was. It was a Bible. Jamie didn’t speak a word while she read, and Cadence wasn’t about to disturb her now. While she still hated the Bible with a fiery passion, she found herself amazed that anyone who would dedicate their lives to a work of fiction would take it so seriously as to have the first task of the day be to simply read from it. Stunning, maybe. Stupid, absolutely, yet commendable nonetheless. She couldn’t exactly call it beautiful for that was a book that was full of hate and judgment, but still Jamie seemed to take it a lot more seriously than anyone she’d ever met, definitely more so than Kerass ever did back when they were dating years ago.
“Oh!” Jamie blurted out startled.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to frighten you.”
“It’s nothing,” Jamie reassured her. “I just didn’t expect you to be awake. You were up again pacing back and forth in the wee hours of the morning.”
“Was I?” Cadence asked. She stated she hadn’t noticed. “I guess I’m really sick, huh?”
“No more than the rest of us. Were you up the whole time while I was reading?”
Cadence nodded.
“I see,” Jamie replied. “I read out of Luke today.”
“I’m sorry, Jamie, but I really don’t care.”
“Sure thing,” she whispered in reply.
Cadence couldn’t stand just sitting still. She got up and without a word she walked out of her room to walk around the unit.
Taking a deep breath, Kerass tried to calm his thoughts before he knocked on Neve’s door. In mid-knock the door opened. She stood before him in a tie-dye shirt and blue genes. He knew he shouldn’t feel this way, but he couldn’t help but feel attracted to her. She looked hot. There was no other way of putting it.
“Why don’t you come in and sit down?” she asked pointing at the chair by her desk as she sat cross-legged on her bed.
Looking around the room, he saw posters for One Direction, Titanic, and the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers of all things.
“Cool posters,” Kerass observed monotone.
“Oh, thanks I guess.”
“Why?”
“Well, One Direction is the greatest band ever and they provided us the greatest five years the music world has ever seen and you’ll never convince me otherwise. Titanic is my favorite movie. It’s gorgeous, breathtaking and oh, so sweet. It’s perfect. As far as Power Rangers goes, why not? They’re my favorite superheroes and well in this day and age we need some fun superheroes where you’re not concerned over how dark the ending will be. You always know how Power Rangers will end and that is an encouraging thought.”
“Ok, then,” Kerass replied unable to comprehend what she just said.
He glanced at the mirror on the desk. He couldn’t see himself. There was no room for a reflection at all. The mirror was plastered with pictures of girls he had seen from a distance at Droplet.
“You go to Droplet?”
“Yep, those are my girls. The mural helps me to remember that I shouldn’t put myself over anyone else. That’s exactly what Jesus did for me. It also reminds me to pray for them daily.”
“Wow, that’s cool. I’ve gone to a few meetings myself.”
“I knew I’d seen you before that day. Droplet’s wonderful. That’s actually how Jordan and I met,” she replied wistfully. Quickly adding that it was a long story, she stated she didn’t want to dwell on it. “We’ve got much more important things to discuss.”
“Fine. Why don’t we skip the rest of the pleasantries and you can just tell me what you need to say.”
“Absolutely,” Neve replied nodding. “See, Kerass, Jordan wasn’t attacking you, he was attacking an enemy.”
“I’m not following. What exactly do you-”
“Just listen,” she interrupted him, “please. You can ask any questions you want after I’m done.”
Kerass remained quiet, breathing deeply to try and calm his thoughts of retaliating.
“Jordan’s sick. He suffers from posttraumatic stress disorder. There’s so much we don’t know about PTSD. Right now it’s incurable. I bet he never told you he’s spent some time fighting overseas, did he?”
Considering she paused waiting for his answer, he felt it ok to reply. “No,” he shook his head.
“That’s what I thought. He’s quite ashamed of it because he can’t control it. He saw things that he can never unsee. Jordan sometimes doesn’t know where he’s at. He has to sit in a specific seat in a classroom so that he’s aware of his surroundings otherwise he becomes overwhelmed with fear and dread and when that happens his self-protection mode takes over and he does things he regrets, things beyond his control.
“See, you and I, when we look at my dorm room, we see the posters, the pictures, the wall. He sometimes sees the outdoors overseas. I can’t confirm that’s what he saw when I tried to stop you from going inside his room, but I know he was having one of his episodes, that he wasn’t really himself. I feared deeply he had killed you. He’s barely slept since he realized what he did to you. He’s so fond of you, thinks so highly of you,” she said with the smallest smile while she locked eyes with him.
“I won’t tell you what to do. He’s not exactly my boyfriend anymore. He proposed to me last night actually,” she stated giggling with joy. “I’m stuck with him permanently and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I find his zeal for God, for Jesus breathtakingly beautiful. You don’t have to do anything with him, but if I may suggest something, I beg you to forgive him.”
“Why are you telling me this? Why isn’t he the one speaking?”
“He feared you wouldn’t meet with him if he asked.”
Kerass nodded. He didn’t know what he felt. Overwhelmed was an understatement. He just sat and thought, tried to clear his head from any prejudices. It was impossible. He wasn’t ready to forgive Jordan yet, not by a long shot.
Cadence glared at her mother.
“When can I go home?” she demanded.
“Whenever you start talking and telling the doctor what’s going on. Don’t think I don’t know that you’ve stormed out on her.”
“You have no comprehension of what I’ve been through!” she started screaming at her mother. She continued saying there was no way she could possibly understand what was going on. “I’m completely alone here. No one gets me and they never will,” she added bitterly, her face beet red, tears incessantly falling off her cheeks.
“Please tell me. Whatever it is, it’s not worth you giving up on life. It’s not worth you taking your own life.”
“I deserve it for what I’ve done,” Cadence whispered in reply.
“I don’t want to fight anymore,” her mother gently replied. “Can we just try and enjoy this brief time we’ve got together?”
Cadence nodded as she wiped tears off her face. The rest of the hour was complete and utter bliss. Cadence found herself laughing for the first time since she could remember. They chatted about stupid stories from the past that in hindsight were hysterical. She never thought she would ever feel this happy again, but for those few minutes she thought of nothing except joy and happiness.
Bidding her mother farewell, she cried as they hugged each other goodbye. Her mom broke the hug first. “I’ll see you soon,” she reassured her.
“I look forward to it,” Cadence choked out weeping.
The Fourth Day
Cadence locked eyes with Dr. Owens who sat before her behind a desk.
“You seem engaged today,” Dr. Owens observed.
“I am,” she replied jubilantly. “I’m ready. I want to get better.”
“Well, that’s great to hear. You know that’s what we’re here for to help you process through how to handle your stresses. There’s no shame if medication is needed, but it can’t be the only thing you rely on either.”
“Absolutely not.”
“What’s one thing you’re going to do when stress overwhelms you?”
“I’ll pick up a book to distract myself,” Cadence promised.
“That’s very good. Exercise your mind, your imagination. Sometimes that can be the best medicine of all.”
“100% agree with you.”
“Well, good. I guess we’ll see you tomorrow then,” the doctor smiled at her while ushering her out the door.
“Can’t I leave today?” Cadence begged.
“No,” she replied. “I want at least one more day of monitoring before we let you go back into the world.”
Cadence felt anger boil up inside of her, but decided not to comment on it. “That’ll be fine, Dr. Owens.”
“I know it will be because I said it,” Dr. Owens replied chuckling to herself.
Cadence gently opened the door and rushed out of the room. Her head was spinning. She didn’t hear what she wanted to. She had to grab a book, any book she could find to distract herself.
Rushing over to the bookshelf she found all of the books were unaccounted for. Others must have grabbed them. This was impossible. This never happened. Frustrated she paced back and forth from wall to wall.
Hold on. There was one book she could read. But of all the books, why did it have to be that one? Whatever, she needed it and she needed to read right now to quiet her mind which was going at a hundred miles an hour.
Bursting the door open, nearly throwing the door off its hinges, she rushed towards her roommate’s nightstand. To her great relief, she discovered the giant leather book was still there. She held it close. Placing it against her chest she took a deep breath thankful for the fact that it was there when she needed it most.
She didn’t care what she read, only that she was reading. Opening up the book two thirds of the way in, the Bible fell open to a book called Matthew. Admittedly, she’d never heard of such a book. She turned the pages back to get to the beginning of the book.
At the start of the first chapter was a long list of names, a genealogy. She was so grateful. It was so mundane and monotonous. Instantly, it quieted her mind by the sheer repetition of the list. But she wouldn’t stop once she finished the list, oh no. She was determined now, even if it meant spending the entire day, to read through the whole book. Nothing else bothered her as she continued to read.
Placing his phone down, Kerass exhaled. What an incredible voicemail he’d just received. He had to sit down. He’d listened to it while he walked back to his dorm room. This couldn’t be happening. This wasn’t real. He had to do something.
Before he could think of anything, Jay walked into the room, his hands covering his face, sniffling. It would have to wait, at least for the moment.
“Jay?” Kerass asked gently, standing up, gently rubbing Jay’s right forearm. “Talk to me, buddy.”
“Kerass,” Jay choked out, hugging him instantly, crying into his shoulder.
They remained in their embrace for a long time. Kerass just held him there, gently rubbing his back. Jay finally broke the embrace.
“I think I cried all the tears I could muster,” he said with a slight chuckle.
“It’s all fine. No shame, my friend. Never be ashamed to cry in front of me.”
“I’m not,” Jay replied, a smile crept across his face, “but I’ve gotta get out of here.”
“How would you feel about a road trip?” Kerass asked. It was impossible not to laugh at Jay’s bewildered expression.
Cadence closed the book. The story was beautiful. It wasn’t full of hatred as she once thought. No, Jesus was a very compassionate man who sought the unwanted, the unseen and gave them attention and love. He also was an incredibly rebellious man who fought against the religious authority of the day. That sounded awfully familiar. She couldn’t help but push against religion and the elitists who presented themselves as holier than thou.
She heard a gasp, which startled her. Looking up, she saw Jamie with her hand on her heart.
“What are you doing reading the Holy Scriptures?” Jamie asked.
“You’re not upset, are you?” Cadence asked trepidatiously.
“Not at all. Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not really,” Cadence replied. “I still haven’t changed my mind about religion or Christians or any of that shit, but Jesus, if this story is true, I’m all for him and his rebellious nature.”
“Jesus isn’t rebellious, not at all!” Jamie yelled back at her.
“He is too rebellious. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Jesus is cool. He’s hella awesome.”
“He is completely obedient to God the Father. There isn’t a rebellious bone in His body. I will not let you speak of my savior that way.” She added that Cadence had committed the worst sin of all, the sin of blaspheming.
Blaspheming, whatever that meant, much have been bad based on the look of hellfire burning in her eyes.
“Now give it back to me, you heathen,” Jamie replied with utter disdain.
“Whatever,” Cadence shook her head handing the book back to her. Muttering under her breath, she added, “Crazy bitch.”
Jay leaned back in the passenger seat as Kerass sped down the highway. It was so good to be back with his best friend. Why had they ever let others get in the way of their friendship? Jay couldn’t even remember, but it was foolish, complete and utter nonsense in retrospect.
“Come on, buddy,” Kerass urged Jay. “Spill.”
“Where to begin?” Jay asked, more to himself than to Kerass. He stated everything had gone to shit.
“In what way?”
“Well, my boyfriend, no, no, my ex is cheating on me with your best friend apparently.”
“My best friend? Whom exactly would that be?”
“Gus,” Jay exhaled livid.
“Gus isn’t my best friend, buddy. Not anymore, not for a long time actually.”
“Then who is?”
“No one really, at least not right now. I guess you’d be the closest, even though it’s been years since we were close.”
“Yeah…” Jay trailed off deflated.
“Anyway, back to the issue at hand. Damien and Gus, huh? What a sickening thought.”
“Yeah, Damien’s cheating on me with Gus. I caught him naked in Gus’s room.”
“Oh my god!” Kerass replied incredulously. “You caught him, then?”
Jay nodded.
“I can’t see your nonverbal responses, Jay. I gotta keep my eyes on the road.”
“Oh, of course. Yes, I caught the bastard.”
“I’m so sorry, Jay. Damien told me about it, wanted me to keep it a secret. I implored him that he had to tell you or he and I would be caput.”
“You defended me?”
“I’ll always defend you, Jay. You are after all my oldest friend. You’re a lot of things, but this just isn’t right. I can’t associate with either of them, not after what they’ve done to you.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Jay asked quietly.
“I haven’t seen you for a few days,” Kerass defended himself. “I didn’t have time to, plus I didn’t want to pull the rug out from Damien just in case he did tell you.”
“Gus alluded to it earlier. It wasn’t hard to catch them after that. But seeing him naked…the fact that they had sex-”
“You don’t know that for sure.”
“Come off it, Kerass! You can’t possibly be that stupid. I know they did it. Last year, Damien asked me to wait for him until marriage. He stole my heart before he stomped on it and now he’s gone and had sex with someone I considered to be a good friend. Damien, Gus, they’re nothing more than cowardly, manipulative liars.”
“I’m not arguing with you on that, bud. I think you hit the nail on the head.”
“I don’t want to talk about it anymore.” Jay sighed. “Where are we going anyway?”
Kerass turned and smiled at him saying, “To visit an old friend in need.”
The Final Day
Cadence opened her eyes. Another day with her crazy ass roommate. She couldn’t stand another second to be in the room with her.
She rushed out of the room to give herself some space, some breathing room. She would never read that book again. If that was the reaction she got from reading it and her interpretation of it, then she never wanted to even touch it ever again. She felt dirty. Shaking her hands she tried to get that disgusting, slimy feeling off her palms. She gagged at the very thought of holding it.
“Cadence!” Kyle, the male nurse, called out after her.
Turning around she asked, “What?” She added that she was kind of in a hurry.
“To where?”
The question struck her by surprise. She had no place to go. Nothing about how she replied made any sense. “Nowhere, I guess.”
“Well, you have a visitor,” Kyle said pointing to his right.
She exhaled. She couldn’t believe it. He was here. He came. She rushed forward and jumped in his arms, wrapping her legs around his waist. Nothing else mattered. She burst into tears of sheer joy. She couldn’t help but scream from excitement.
“Kerass!”
Sunday, July 29, 2018
Fallen Leaves - Chapter 58: Loved You First
Damien sat down beside Kerass’s bed. Apparently Kerass had woken an hour before he arrived. Nobody thought to call Damien, which he was a little frustrated about, but really it didn’t matter because Kerass was awake and he was safe. He held Kerass’s hand, gripped it gently and then let it go.
“You know you didn’t have to let go,” Kerass told him gently. He added that he didn’t mind it at all.
“I just don’t want to cross any boundaries. I fear I’ve already done that too much recently.”
“You and I both know I’m not gay. Others may view it as weird, but believe me when I say that I don’t.”
“Thanks, Kerass,” Damien replied wiping a tear from his face. He couldn’t help himself. The moment he saw Kerass in that hospital bed, he just started crying.
“Why the tears, Damien? I’m fine. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever been better.”
“You really mean that?” he asked hopefully.
“I don’t lie about those things. Of course I mean it. If I rarely say it, you know it’s true.”
“Why?”
“I had the most beautiful…” Kerass trailed off. “Well, just trust me when I say that I can’t share it even though I want to.”
“Ok,” Damien nodded. He was deathly curious, but given Kerass’s current state he daren’t ask.
“We’ve come a long way since last year.”
Damien nodded.
“Hell, I don’t even talk shit about your sexuality anymore. You really called me out on that and I’m so glad you did. I’ve grown a lot since then.”
“Indeed,” Damien tried to crack a smile, but he felt his mind kept wandering to Gus and Jay. They were all there in the same place together. Granted Jay and Gus weren’t in the hospital, but God only knows what they were sharing with each other on campus. He couldn’t keep this up and Jay had never done anything wrong, nothing worthy of breaking up over, but…well, he had just fallen in love with someone else. Jay would understand, wouldn’t he? Jay had told him during prom that he had no feelings for him anymore. There was that, but things had changed. The truth was Lyra had changed everything. He didn’t want to hold back anymore. There was no competition, but he still couldn’t bring himself to tell Jay.
“You didn’t answer my question,” Kerass observed.
“What?” Damien snapped himself back into focus.
“You were really out of it. What’s going on?”
“This is meant to be about you, Kerass, not me.”
“I told you I don’t know how many times that I’m perfectly fine now.”
“You’re not going anywhere near that guy again, are you?”
“No,” Kerass promised. “He lost his chance at friendship with me when he squeezed my neck.”
“Good because I’d personally love to kick his ass.”
“You’re avoiding, you know that?” Kerass chastised lying on his side. “Why don’t you tell me what’s on your mind? Could it really be that bad?”
“Yes,” Damien breathed deeply. “I, uh, I need to confess something to you.”
“What is it? You know there’s no judgment here.”
“I know, that’s why I, uh, have to tell you. I haven’t exactly been faithful to Jay.”
“What do you mean?” Kerass asked trepidatiously.
“I’ve been seeing someone else. He just stole my heart and I’m tired of waiting for sex.”
“Oh my god…” Kerass replied, his eyes bulging. “Who?” he demanded.
“It’s not a physical affair yet, it’s more of an emotional one.”
“Stop defending yourself!” Kerass scolded. “Who?”
“Gus.”
The face of disgust that crossed Kerass told him everything. He should leave, but he couldn’t just let their friendship go just like that. “Kerass, please, please let me explain.”
“How?” Kerass replied bewildered. “How could you let this happen?”
“I fell out of love with Jay. It was nobody’s fault, we just aren’t sexually compatible.”
“What sort of bullshit is that? You just fell out of love with him. Just like that? I don’t believe a word of this.”
“How could you do this to Jay?”
“What do you mean? We just weren’t good together we never were. I thought you of all people would understand this.”
“Understand what? You’re cheating on him. You’re cheating on my oldest friend. What part of that do I not understand?”
“We’re not cheating per se. We haven’t done it yet.”
“Yet…right,” Kerass nodded. “There’s a lot that I can overlook, Damien, but this…this is just too much. You’re defending something you know full well to be wrong. Go,” he uttered in reply. “I don’t want to see you, I don’t want to look at you right now. Don’t speak with me again until you’ve resolved everything with Jay and if you can’t do that well, I don’t see how we can remain as friends. It’s as simple…”
Damien didn’t stay to hear the rest of what he said. There was no way he was staying where he wasn’t wanted. Kerass had been someone he poured so much into when they were on the same campus, but perhaps Vance was right. There was no more relationship with him because Kerass didn’t pursue him back. Plus he was being so judgmental. How could he not understand that some people just fall out of love? He felt sick to his stomach, but he just couldn’t bring himself to try and reconcile with him. He was beyond thrilled that he was awake and fine, but there was no way he was apologizing for what he’d done. He had Gus. That’s all he ever wanted. He had done nothing wrong.
Cadence woke up. The last 24 hours had been a blur. She didn’t succeed in accomplishing her goal. She was still alive. She still had to live with the fact that she murdered someone. Her mother sat next to her gasping when she opened her eyes. “Darling, you’re safe now,” she reassured her.
“What happened to me?” Cadence asked. She couldn’t explain why, but tears welled up. She began crying and she couldn’t stop.
“I think you may need some help. You attempted suicide. Thank God you didn’t succeed,” she added gently kissing her forehead.
“What do you mean by help?”
“Well, you’re going to need to stay at an inpatient psych ward.”
“Oh, Mom,” Cadence scoffed at her. She added that she didn’t need medication to fix her problems.
“You tried to kill yourself and you left a cryptic note that didn’t explain why. Why won’t you tell me what happened? I know something’s been bothering you. I know you’ve been taking from my pills. I’ve known it for a long time. I just couldn’t face it.”
“Do I have a choice?”
“No.”
Cadence doubted that was true, but didn’t have enough energy to fight her on it. All she wanted to do was sleep. Slowly closing her eyes she agreed to go to the inpatient psychiatry unit.
Rays of sunlight fell down through the clouds. It wasn’t exactly overcast. It was beautiful. It was the perfect day. Kerass beamed. He couldn’t believe he was out walking again so soon after his hospital stay. Jeremy promised to buy him his first meal after he got back on campus. He should’ve been there 5 minutes ago, but he was taking his time, leisurely walking across campus, taken with the enormity and the beauty of it all.
The student center arrived too soon on his walk. There he was waiting for him. He wasn’t exactly ready to face reality yet, not after the bombshell that Damien had left him back at the hospital. Yet, Kerass couldn’t deny that he was thrilled to see him.
Jeremy greeted him outside shaking his hand. “I was getting worried when you didn’t show up on time,” he admitted.
“Nothing to worry about,” Kerass patted his shoulder. He continued saying he was just taking the scenic route.
“Jaden used to always do that.”
“How are you two?” Kerass asked. “I mean, I haven’t exactly met her yet.”
“Oh, she’s fine. We’re taking a little bit of a break. The whole long distance thing, it just wasn’t healthy for us.”
“When did this happen?”
“Just a little over a month ago,” Jeremy replied nonchalantly. “It’s not a big deal, really.”
“Does this have anything to do with you admitting to her about our mutual problem?”
“No,” Jeremy shook his head. “She still texts me about it actually. She’s a great sister in the faith, but in terms of romance, it’s just not right now.”
“I gotcha. Makes sense really.”
“I miss her, but it’s for the best, at least for right now.”
“You think you’ll get back together?”
“We’ll see. I’m open to the idea, but whatever God wants will happen, right?”
“I guess so. I think if you want her you have to pursue her.”
“Well, anyway, what are we doing just standing out here? Let’s head inside.”
Kerass nodded. It didn’t take long to figure out what to eat. They always ate at the same place, yet he didn’t order much. He really wasn’t that hungry and he had no desire to stuff his face full of crap.
“Do you still talk to him?” Kerass asked.
Jeremy looked stunned. “Yes,” he admitted defiantly.
“Why? He tried to kill me, Jeremy. I’m never going to talk with him again. It’s too dangerous. How could you side with him after what he did to me?”
“You need to be more gracious to Jordan.”
“Why?” Kerass asked. He didn’t want to be gracious anymore. Everyone around him was just disappointing him. What was the point in hiding the fact that there were poisonous people in life? “He attacked me, not the other way around. He should be asking my forgiveness. Why should I forgive him?”
“You have no comprehension of what he’s gone through.”
Damien kissed Gus on the forehead.
“You are so beautiful,” he whispered in his ear.
“Stop it. I’m not attractive at all,” Gus replied laden with self-doubt.
“You are to me,” Damien said wrapping his arms around his waist. Whispering in his ear, he stated that he didn’t want to wait anymore.
“What are you saying, exactly?”
“I’m sick and tired of everyone telling us what to do. Telling us how to define what we mean to each other. I want you. I want all of you, right now.”
“Are you sure? It’ll be the first time for both of us.”
“Definitely. I want to tell the whole world that I loved you first. I want to make love with you.”
Gus put his hands on Damien’s cheeks. They kissed each other fervently. Damien led them towards to bed. Shutting the door behind them, locking it, he began unbuttoning his shirt.
Jay walked towards Gus’s room. He knew that Damien would be there. He just knew it. There was no point in delaying the inevitable. He knocked on the door.
“You know you didn’t have to let go,” Kerass told him gently. He added that he didn’t mind it at all.
“I just don’t want to cross any boundaries. I fear I’ve already done that too much recently.”
“You and I both know I’m not gay. Others may view it as weird, but believe me when I say that I don’t.”
“Thanks, Kerass,” Damien replied wiping a tear from his face. He couldn’t help himself. The moment he saw Kerass in that hospital bed, he just started crying.
“Why the tears, Damien? I’m fine. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever been better.”
“You really mean that?” he asked hopefully.
“I don’t lie about those things. Of course I mean it. If I rarely say it, you know it’s true.”
“Why?”
“I had the most beautiful…” Kerass trailed off. “Well, just trust me when I say that I can’t share it even though I want to.”
“Ok,” Damien nodded. He was deathly curious, but given Kerass’s current state he daren’t ask.
“We’ve come a long way since last year.”
Damien nodded.
“Hell, I don’t even talk shit about your sexuality anymore. You really called me out on that and I’m so glad you did. I’ve grown a lot since then.”
“Indeed,” Damien tried to crack a smile, but he felt his mind kept wandering to Gus and Jay. They were all there in the same place together. Granted Jay and Gus weren’t in the hospital, but God only knows what they were sharing with each other on campus. He couldn’t keep this up and Jay had never done anything wrong, nothing worthy of breaking up over, but…well, he had just fallen in love with someone else. Jay would understand, wouldn’t he? Jay had told him during prom that he had no feelings for him anymore. There was that, but things had changed. The truth was Lyra had changed everything. He didn’t want to hold back anymore. There was no competition, but he still couldn’t bring himself to tell Jay.
“You didn’t answer my question,” Kerass observed.
“What?” Damien snapped himself back into focus.
“You were really out of it. What’s going on?”
“This is meant to be about you, Kerass, not me.”
“I told you I don’t know how many times that I’m perfectly fine now.”
“You’re not going anywhere near that guy again, are you?”
“No,” Kerass promised. “He lost his chance at friendship with me when he squeezed my neck.”
“Good because I’d personally love to kick his ass.”
“You’re avoiding, you know that?” Kerass chastised lying on his side. “Why don’t you tell me what’s on your mind? Could it really be that bad?”
“Yes,” Damien breathed deeply. “I, uh, I need to confess something to you.”
“What is it? You know there’s no judgment here.”
“I know, that’s why I, uh, have to tell you. I haven’t exactly been faithful to Jay.”
“What do you mean?” Kerass asked trepidatiously.
“I’ve been seeing someone else. He just stole my heart and I’m tired of waiting for sex.”
“Oh my god…” Kerass replied, his eyes bulging. “Who?” he demanded.
“It’s not a physical affair yet, it’s more of an emotional one.”
“Stop defending yourself!” Kerass scolded. “Who?”
“Gus.”
The face of disgust that crossed Kerass told him everything. He should leave, but he couldn’t just let their friendship go just like that. “Kerass, please, please let me explain.”
“How?” Kerass replied bewildered. “How could you let this happen?”
“I fell out of love with Jay. It was nobody’s fault, we just aren’t sexually compatible.”
“What sort of bullshit is that? You just fell out of love with him. Just like that? I don’t believe a word of this.”
“How could you do this to Jay?”
“What do you mean? We just weren’t good together we never were. I thought you of all people would understand this.”
“Understand what? You’re cheating on him. You’re cheating on my oldest friend. What part of that do I not understand?”
“We’re not cheating per se. We haven’t done it yet.”
“Yet…right,” Kerass nodded. “There’s a lot that I can overlook, Damien, but this…this is just too much. You’re defending something you know full well to be wrong. Go,” he uttered in reply. “I don’t want to see you, I don’t want to look at you right now. Don’t speak with me again until you’ve resolved everything with Jay and if you can’t do that well, I don’t see how we can remain as friends. It’s as simple…”
Damien didn’t stay to hear the rest of what he said. There was no way he was staying where he wasn’t wanted. Kerass had been someone he poured so much into when they were on the same campus, but perhaps Vance was right. There was no more relationship with him because Kerass didn’t pursue him back. Plus he was being so judgmental. How could he not understand that some people just fall out of love? He felt sick to his stomach, but he just couldn’t bring himself to try and reconcile with him. He was beyond thrilled that he was awake and fine, but there was no way he was apologizing for what he’d done. He had Gus. That’s all he ever wanted. He had done nothing wrong.
Cadence woke up. The last 24 hours had been a blur. She didn’t succeed in accomplishing her goal. She was still alive. She still had to live with the fact that she murdered someone. Her mother sat next to her gasping when she opened her eyes. “Darling, you’re safe now,” she reassured her.
“What happened to me?” Cadence asked. She couldn’t explain why, but tears welled up. She began crying and she couldn’t stop.
“I think you may need some help. You attempted suicide. Thank God you didn’t succeed,” she added gently kissing her forehead.
“What do you mean by help?”
“Well, you’re going to need to stay at an inpatient psych ward.”
“Oh, Mom,” Cadence scoffed at her. She added that she didn’t need medication to fix her problems.
“You tried to kill yourself and you left a cryptic note that didn’t explain why. Why won’t you tell me what happened? I know something’s been bothering you. I know you’ve been taking from my pills. I’ve known it for a long time. I just couldn’t face it.”
“Do I have a choice?”
“No.”
Cadence doubted that was true, but didn’t have enough energy to fight her on it. All she wanted to do was sleep. Slowly closing her eyes she agreed to go to the inpatient psychiatry unit.
Rays of sunlight fell down through the clouds. It wasn’t exactly overcast. It was beautiful. It was the perfect day. Kerass beamed. He couldn’t believe he was out walking again so soon after his hospital stay. Jeremy promised to buy him his first meal after he got back on campus. He should’ve been there 5 minutes ago, but he was taking his time, leisurely walking across campus, taken with the enormity and the beauty of it all.
The student center arrived too soon on his walk. There he was waiting for him. He wasn’t exactly ready to face reality yet, not after the bombshell that Damien had left him back at the hospital. Yet, Kerass couldn’t deny that he was thrilled to see him.
Jeremy greeted him outside shaking his hand. “I was getting worried when you didn’t show up on time,” he admitted.
“Nothing to worry about,” Kerass patted his shoulder. He continued saying he was just taking the scenic route.
“Jaden used to always do that.”
“How are you two?” Kerass asked. “I mean, I haven’t exactly met her yet.”
“Oh, she’s fine. We’re taking a little bit of a break. The whole long distance thing, it just wasn’t healthy for us.”
“When did this happen?”
“Just a little over a month ago,” Jeremy replied nonchalantly. “It’s not a big deal, really.”
“Does this have anything to do with you admitting to her about our mutual problem?”
“No,” Jeremy shook his head. “She still texts me about it actually. She’s a great sister in the faith, but in terms of romance, it’s just not right now.”
“I gotcha. Makes sense really.”
“I miss her, but it’s for the best, at least for right now.”
“You think you’ll get back together?”
“We’ll see. I’m open to the idea, but whatever God wants will happen, right?”
“I guess so. I think if you want her you have to pursue her.”
“Well, anyway, what are we doing just standing out here? Let’s head inside.”
Kerass nodded. It didn’t take long to figure out what to eat. They always ate at the same place, yet he didn’t order much. He really wasn’t that hungry and he had no desire to stuff his face full of crap.
“Do you still talk to him?” Kerass asked.
Jeremy looked stunned. “Yes,” he admitted defiantly.
“Why? He tried to kill me, Jeremy. I’m never going to talk with him again. It’s too dangerous. How could you side with him after what he did to me?”
“You need to be more gracious to Jordan.”
“Why?” Kerass asked. He didn’t want to be gracious anymore. Everyone around him was just disappointing him. What was the point in hiding the fact that there were poisonous people in life? “He attacked me, not the other way around. He should be asking my forgiveness. Why should I forgive him?”
“You have no comprehension of what he’s gone through.”
Damien kissed Gus on the forehead.
“You are so beautiful,” he whispered in his ear.
“Stop it. I’m not attractive at all,” Gus replied laden with self-doubt.
“You are to me,” Damien said wrapping his arms around his waist. Whispering in his ear, he stated that he didn’t want to wait anymore.
“What are you saying, exactly?”
“I’m sick and tired of everyone telling us what to do. Telling us how to define what we mean to each other. I want you. I want all of you, right now.”
“Are you sure? It’ll be the first time for both of us.”
“Definitely. I want to tell the whole world that I loved you first. I want to make love with you.”
Gus put his hands on Damien’s cheeks. They kissed each other fervently. Damien led them towards to bed. Shutting the door behind them, locking it, he began unbuttoning his shirt.
Jay walked towards Gus’s room. He knew that Damien would be there. He just knew it. There was no point in delaying the inevitable. He knocked on the door.
Sunday, July 22, 2018
Fallen Leaves - Chapter 57: Clouds
Kerass opened his eyes. He couldn’t tell where he was. All he could see around him was clouds. He was lying down on clouds. Getting up on his elbows, he glanced below him, but he couldn’t see the earth. This couldn’t be real. He couldn’t possibly be in heaven, in paradise. He hadn’t made a decision yet on whether he wanted to believe in God, to follow Jesus, or not.
Taking a deep breath, he put his head back on the cloud underneath him completely relaxing as his stomach rhythmically rose up and down, up and down while he breathed. This was glorious. This was wonderful. Nothing could take away his peace from this moment.
The wind picked up, leaves were dancing around him landing on the clouds. He didn’t realize leaves went up this high. But wait…this wasn’t real. This was just a dream, a marvelous dream that he didn’t want to wake from.
The next gush of wind brought even more colorful leaves up toward him, instinctively, he stood up. Amazed that he was standing, walking on the clouds, he ran. He chased after the leaves attempting to catch one in his hand.
The red one danced above him, he stretched, but it just barely left his grasp. He jumped and realized he wasn’t coming down. Gravity didn’t exist here, wherever here was. He was flying. He soared stroking his arms to reach higher and higher heights. Reaching out his hand, he stretched, his arm extended extraordinarily enough. His fingers closed. The red leaf was in his hand. Smiling, he was content that he had captured this beautiful remnant of nature below, a nature he could no longer see. His arm retracted to normal length. All of a sudden, he felt gravity’s pull. He was no longer flying, he was falling. He screamed as he gained speed coming faster and faster to the clouds. He just knew they would no longer hold him, but then the clouds gently held him, bouncing him up and down like a trampoline as gravity’s pull battled for control over him.
He felt safe here. He never wanted to leave this place. This space where no one bothered him and all his problems vanished instantly. Holding the dark-red leaf in front of him, he examined the veins, running his index finger over them. It soothed him and inexplicably he felt he had held this leaf before.
A gust of wind startled him. The leaf broke free. He tried to get up, but he felt exhausted and just laid there watching it float away, yet something happened. It didn’t maintain its shape. The ridges of the leaf extended downward, flowing in the wind. It looked like red hair, long, flowing, strikingly red hair. Out from the hair, the body followed clothed in brilliant, majestic white robes. He knew this woman, yet he didn’t know why. She walked away from him, not turning back to see if he was following. He broke free from the grip that held him down and followed the red-haired woman.
After he had followed her for a time, she turned around to face him. Who he saw floored him. He couldn’t even speak.
“I’m glad you followed, Kerass,” she said, one eyebrow raised mischievously.
“Your hair is beautiful,” he replied. He added that there was never a time when her hair wasn’t stunningly beautiful.
“Thanks,” she added.
“I can’t believe you’re here,” he exhaled, “Lyra.”
Jay held Kerass’s hand, sitting beside him while he lay in a coma on the hospital bed. A tear slowly crawled down his face. How had he let Kerass get so far away from him? They were roommates. They had been best friends for years. They should be so much closer than they were, but that could change.
“I won’t let you go,” Jay reassured him. “I know you can hear me. I’ll come and visit you weekly until you come back to me.” He added that there was so much that he wanted to tell him. “So much to catch you up on.”
A hand gently grasped his shoulder, causing him to jolt with fright. Gus was looking down at him. He jumped up flinging Gus’s hand off his shoulder.
“Get the hell away from me,” Jay spat at him.
“Why? What’d I do?” Gus asked flabbergasted.
“You think I don’t know? I’m not stupid, Gus. I can read between the lines. You’ve taken Damien away from me.”
“That’s not exactly what happened,” Gus sheepishly defended himself.
“Well, why don’t you explain yourself?” Jay challenged. He continued poking saying he might be too cowardly to face the truth.
“Hey!” he yelled at him. “I’m not exactly innocent, I’ll give you that, but I am not fully to blame either and if you can’t see that, that’s not my fault.”
“Bullshit. You stole him away from me.”
“This isn’t the right time or place to talk about this,” Gus replied under his breath.
“Agreed. I don’t want you or his cheating hands anywhere near my best friend. You can leave now.”
“No, see I can’t. Damien’s coming to visit Kerass, too. You may want to reevaluate your friendship with him. He claimed me to be his best friend during high school graduation.”
“He did not,” Jay uttered back, choking on tears.
“Yeah, he did. See, I was there for him when you were off doing who knows what the hell you were doing. When you started dating Damien you pushed him away and that distance only grew over the years. You have no one to blame but yourself for that.”
Jay tried to glare at him, but he knew it wasn’t intimidating at all, because he was still crying profusely. “Why do you have to be so cruel?” he asked under his breath.
“I’m sorry. I’m just calling it like I see it. Can we both let our grievances go to come alongside Kerass in his time of need?”
“I’ll try,” Jay responded wiping the tears away.
Kerass reached out to touch her, to stroke her cheek. He feared she might be translucent. If you formed out of a leaf, well, nothing about this place surprised him anymore. Yet his thumb came in contact with skin. She was really there. He exhaled tearing up as he beheld her beauty.
“You’ve never been more beautiful,” he told her.
“You can hug me if you want. There’s nothing for you to fear here. I’m not going anywhere.”
Gently, his arms wrapped around her as he kissed her cheek. He squeezed her tighter when he felt her close to him again. He never thought he would see her again. No, he never wanted to let her go. Now he knew this was where he belonged. He didn’t belong below on Earth. This place, wherever it was, was where he belonged. He never doubted it to be true.
“Is red your natural hair color?” he asked her as he finally let her go from his grasp.
“Yes, indeed. I was born as a red head,” she said avoiding eye contact.
“What’s wrong? Did I say something I shouldn’t have?”
“No, it’s just that, well…” she trailed off. “We don’t have much time and there’s something we need to discuss.”
“We have forever up here, but if it means that much to you, please say what you have to say.”
Locking eyes with him, he felt she could read his mind. “Forever isn’t soon enough between us, but you don’t realize how close you were to not being here with me.”
“What are you talking about?” Kerass asked, unable to stop himself from interrupting her.
“You nearly died, Kerass. You need to make a decision and not for me or anyone else, but for yourself. Yet if you want to see me again, you’ll have to choose to follow Him,” she replied emphasizing the last word.
“You mean we’re in heaven now?” he asked. He didn’t think they were, but he’d believe anything she told him.
She shook her head.
“You’re saying I need to follow Jesus to get back to you?”
“No, Kerass, you misunderstand me. I want you to get back to Him. I would be nothing more than a sister to you. He’s a much better prize than me anyway.”
“Will you look the same in heaven?”
Again she shook her head. “This place doesn’t exist. This is all inside your head.”
“You’re saying you’re not real?”
“I died, Kerass. I’m not here. I’m in heaven now, worshiping Jesus now. I believe you will see me again. You will make the right decision.”
“Why should I?” he asked. “If you don’t really exist and this is all in my head, well then why would I make a commitment to you, to God. I mean,” he ran his hands through his hair exhaling, “I just don’t know if any of it’s real. Would I really see you again?”
“Yes,” she said, “but there’s someone else who wants to convince you, too.” She pointed behind him.
Kerass burst into tears. “Mom!” he screamed. Running towards her, he leaped into her embrace.
Cadence signed the note. That was it. There was nothing else for her to do. This was the only way she knew how to solve her problems. Admitting them didn’t help anyone. She was more alone than ever. There was only one way to end the pain. Stepping into the bathroom, she locked the door behind her. Pulling out a straight razor from her pocket, she paused for a second, taking a deep breath before she slit her left wrist.
Jeremy pulled into the hospital parking lot. Right outside the main entrance stood Jordan. He shook his head as he got out of the car and walked over to him.
“What do you think you’re doing here, Jordan?” Jeremy challenged. “Did you really think he’d want to see you, even if he were awake?”
“I didn’t mean it. I didn’t know what I was doing. You know that! You know me!” Jordan replied wildly.
“I know and I know she tried to stop him from coming into the room with you, but now is not the time to have that conversation.”
“He needs to know what I suffer from. I have to explain it to him.”
“I agree 100%, but I think it needs to come from someone other than you. Think about it. If you were in his shoes would you want him to explain it to you or for a mutual friend to prep you first?”
Jordan just sighed, placing his head in his hands as he sobbed. “I’ve ruined everything,” he said amidst his tears.
“Go home, Jordan. He may yet forgive you.”
Kerass cried into his mother’s shoulder. “Now I know I never want to wake up. How is this possible, Mom? He took you away from me.”
“No one will take you away from me again,” she reassured him kissing his forehead. “Oh, my sweet, sensitive, compassionate son. How I wish I could’ve been there to celebrate who God made you to be, to encourage you that those things are a gift. You’ve hidden them inside yourself for far too long out of a fear of man.”
“I’m not ashamed to cry,” he replied as she wiped the tears off his face, “never in front of you.”
“Oh, my wonderful boy, what a gift from God you are.”
“You’re the reason I’m the man I am,” he assured her.
“Please, son. I want to be with you again. Please commit to God. It is the only way we’ll ever truly be reunited.”
“I’ve wanted to,” he admitted to her, “but I’m afraid.” He continued questioning whether God would take him back. “I ran away from God the day of your funeral.”
“I know you did. How that broke my heart, but I knew you would come back. He’s waiting for you. He wants nothing more than for you to return to Him. Trust me, my son. I do not lie to you.”
One arm went around his mother’s shoulders, while another hand locked hands with Lyra. “The two most important women in my life want the same thing.”
“Well, we’ve met before, Kerass,” Lyra interjected.
“Yes,” his mother replied beaming.
“Please, please make the right choice,” Lyra said.
“Oh, and Kerass,” his mother added, “don’t tell anyone else about this dream. Let it stay between the four of us.”
“The four?” Kerass questioned.
Cadence’s mother screamed when she finished reading the note. Her precious, broken daughter wrote a suicide note. She pounded on the bathroom door, breaking it down only to see the pool of blood on the floor enveloping Cadence.
Looking at his mother and Lyra, tears welled up in his eyes. He didn’t know it was possible to cry this much. He didn’t want to go.
“It’s time for you to wake up, Kerass,” his mother told him.
“Please when will I see you again?” he desperately asked.
“Soon,” Lyra replied.
“When is soon?”
“Anytime is soon, my son,” the voice of a man replied to his question.
“Please wake up, Kerass,” Lyra said.
The clouds dispersed. He was in darkness now. A bright, shining white light felt like it was burning through his eyelids.
“Please wake up, Kerass,” Lyra said again. No, no, Kerass corrected himself. That wasn’t Lyra’s voice. That was undeniably Jay. His stomach rhythmically breathing up and down, up and down soothed him, calming him down. He now felt the bed underneath him. He was in the hospital. The last thing he remembered on Earth was being choked by Jordan. Yet he had just seen the love of his life and his mother and spoken with them. He would never forget this dream as long as he lived.
He opened his eyes.
Taking a deep breath, he put his head back on the cloud underneath him completely relaxing as his stomach rhythmically rose up and down, up and down while he breathed. This was glorious. This was wonderful. Nothing could take away his peace from this moment.
The wind picked up, leaves were dancing around him landing on the clouds. He didn’t realize leaves went up this high. But wait…this wasn’t real. This was just a dream, a marvelous dream that he didn’t want to wake from.
The next gush of wind brought even more colorful leaves up toward him, instinctively, he stood up. Amazed that he was standing, walking on the clouds, he ran. He chased after the leaves attempting to catch one in his hand.
The red one danced above him, he stretched, but it just barely left his grasp. He jumped and realized he wasn’t coming down. Gravity didn’t exist here, wherever here was. He was flying. He soared stroking his arms to reach higher and higher heights. Reaching out his hand, he stretched, his arm extended extraordinarily enough. His fingers closed. The red leaf was in his hand. Smiling, he was content that he had captured this beautiful remnant of nature below, a nature he could no longer see. His arm retracted to normal length. All of a sudden, he felt gravity’s pull. He was no longer flying, he was falling. He screamed as he gained speed coming faster and faster to the clouds. He just knew they would no longer hold him, but then the clouds gently held him, bouncing him up and down like a trampoline as gravity’s pull battled for control over him.
He felt safe here. He never wanted to leave this place. This space where no one bothered him and all his problems vanished instantly. Holding the dark-red leaf in front of him, he examined the veins, running his index finger over them. It soothed him and inexplicably he felt he had held this leaf before.
A gust of wind startled him. The leaf broke free. He tried to get up, but he felt exhausted and just laid there watching it float away, yet something happened. It didn’t maintain its shape. The ridges of the leaf extended downward, flowing in the wind. It looked like red hair, long, flowing, strikingly red hair. Out from the hair, the body followed clothed in brilliant, majestic white robes. He knew this woman, yet he didn’t know why. She walked away from him, not turning back to see if he was following. He broke free from the grip that held him down and followed the red-haired woman.
After he had followed her for a time, she turned around to face him. Who he saw floored him. He couldn’t even speak.
“I’m glad you followed, Kerass,” she said, one eyebrow raised mischievously.
“Your hair is beautiful,” he replied. He added that there was never a time when her hair wasn’t stunningly beautiful.
“Thanks,” she added.
“I can’t believe you’re here,” he exhaled, “Lyra.”
Jay held Kerass’s hand, sitting beside him while he lay in a coma on the hospital bed. A tear slowly crawled down his face. How had he let Kerass get so far away from him? They were roommates. They had been best friends for years. They should be so much closer than they were, but that could change.
“I won’t let you go,” Jay reassured him. “I know you can hear me. I’ll come and visit you weekly until you come back to me.” He added that there was so much that he wanted to tell him. “So much to catch you up on.”
A hand gently grasped his shoulder, causing him to jolt with fright. Gus was looking down at him. He jumped up flinging Gus’s hand off his shoulder.
“Get the hell away from me,” Jay spat at him.
“Why? What’d I do?” Gus asked flabbergasted.
“You think I don’t know? I’m not stupid, Gus. I can read between the lines. You’ve taken Damien away from me.”
“That’s not exactly what happened,” Gus sheepishly defended himself.
“Well, why don’t you explain yourself?” Jay challenged. He continued poking saying he might be too cowardly to face the truth.
“Hey!” he yelled at him. “I’m not exactly innocent, I’ll give you that, but I am not fully to blame either and if you can’t see that, that’s not my fault.”
“Bullshit. You stole him away from me.”
“This isn’t the right time or place to talk about this,” Gus replied under his breath.
“Agreed. I don’t want you or his cheating hands anywhere near my best friend. You can leave now.”
“No, see I can’t. Damien’s coming to visit Kerass, too. You may want to reevaluate your friendship with him. He claimed me to be his best friend during high school graduation.”
“He did not,” Jay uttered back, choking on tears.
“Yeah, he did. See, I was there for him when you were off doing who knows what the hell you were doing. When you started dating Damien you pushed him away and that distance only grew over the years. You have no one to blame but yourself for that.”
Jay tried to glare at him, but he knew it wasn’t intimidating at all, because he was still crying profusely. “Why do you have to be so cruel?” he asked under his breath.
“I’m sorry. I’m just calling it like I see it. Can we both let our grievances go to come alongside Kerass in his time of need?”
“I’ll try,” Jay responded wiping the tears away.
Kerass reached out to touch her, to stroke her cheek. He feared she might be translucent. If you formed out of a leaf, well, nothing about this place surprised him anymore. Yet his thumb came in contact with skin. She was really there. He exhaled tearing up as he beheld her beauty.
“You’ve never been more beautiful,” he told her.
“You can hug me if you want. There’s nothing for you to fear here. I’m not going anywhere.”
Gently, his arms wrapped around her as he kissed her cheek. He squeezed her tighter when he felt her close to him again. He never thought he would see her again. No, he never wanted to let her go. Now he knew this was where he belonged. He didn’t belong below on Earth. This place, wherever it was, was where he belonged. He never doubted it to be true.
“Is red your natural hair color?” he asked her as he finally let her go from his grasp.
“Yes, indeed. I was born as a red head,” she said avoiding eye contact.
“What’s wrong? Did I say something I shouldn’t have?”
“No, it’s just that, well…” she trailed off. “We don’t have much time and there’s something we need to discuss.”
“We have forever up here, but if it means that much to you, please say what you have to say.”
Locking eyes with him, he felt she could read his mind. “Forever isn’t soon enough between us, but you don’t realize how close you were to not being here with me.”
“What are you talking about?” Kerass asked, unable to stop himself from interrupting her.
“You nearly died, Kerass. You need to make a decision and not for me or anyone else, but for yourself. Yet if you want to see me again, you’ll have to choose to follow Him,” she replied emphasizing the last word.
“You mean we’re in heaven now?” he asked. He didn’t think they were, but he’d believe anything she told him.
She shook her head.
“You’re saying I need to follow Jesus to get back to you?”
“No, Kerass, you misunderstand me. I want you to get back to Him. I would be nothing more than a sister to you. He’s a much better prize than me anyway.”
“Will you look the same in heaven?”
Again she shook her head. “This place doesn’t exist. This is all inside your head.”
“You’re saying you’re not real?”
“I died, Kerass. I’m not here. I’m in heaven now, worshiping Jesus now. I believe you will see me again. You will make the right decision.”
“Why should I?” he asked. “If you don’t really exist and this is all in my head, well then why would I make a commitment to you, to God. I mean,” he ran his hands through his hair exhaling, “I just don’t know if any of it’s real. Would I really see you again?”
“Yes,” she said, “but there’s someone else who wants to convince you, too.” She pointed behind him.
Kerass burst into tears. “Mom!” he screamed. Running towards her, he leaped into her embrace.
Cadence signed the note. That was it. There was nothing else for her to do. This was the only way she knew how to solve her problems. Admitting them didn’t help anyone. She was more alone than ever. There was only one way to end the pain. Stepping into the bathroom, she locked the door behind her. Pulling out a straight razor from her pocket, she paused for a second, taking a deep breath before she slit her left wrist.
Jeremy pulled into the hospital parking lot. Right outside the main entrance stood Jordan. He shook his head as he got out of the car and walked over to him.
“What do you think you’re doing here, Jordan?” Jeremy challenged. “Did you really think he’d want to see you, even if he were awake?”
“I didn’t mean it. I didn’t know what I was doing. You know that! You know me!” Jordan replied wildly.
“I know and I know she tried to stop him from coming into the room with you, but now is not the time to have that conversation.”
“He needs to know what I suffer from. I have to explain it to him.”
“I agree 100%, but I think it needs to come from someone other than you. Think about it. If you were in his shoes would you want him to explain it to you or for a mutual friend to prep you first?”
Jordan just sighed, placing his head in his hands as he sobbed. “I’ve ruined everything,” he said amidst his tears.
“Go home, Jordan. He may yet forgive you.”
Kerass cried into his mother’s shoulder. “Now I know I never want to wake up. How is this possible, Mom? He took you away from me.”
“No one will take you away from me again,” she reassured him kissing his forehead. “Oh, my sweet, sensitive, compassionate son. How I wish I could’ve been there to celebrate who God made you to be, to encourage you that those things are a gift. You’ve hidden them inside yourself for far too long out of a fear of man.”
“I’m not ashamed to cry,” he replied as she wiped the tears off his face, “never in front of you.”
“Oh, my wonderful boy, what a gift from God you are.”
“You’re the reason I’m the man I am,” he assured her.
“Please, son. I want to be with you again. Please commit to God. It is the only way we’ll ever truly be reunited.”
“I’ve wanted to,” he admitted to her, “but I’m afraid.” He continued questioning whether God would take him back. “I ran away from God the day of your funeral.”
“I know you did. How that broke my heart, but I knew you would come back. He’s waiting for you. He wants nothing more than for you to return to Him. Trust me, my son. I do not lie to you.”
One arm went around his mother’s shoulders, while another hand locked hands with Lyra. “The two most important women in my life want the same thing.”
“Well, we’ve met before, Kerass,” Lyra interjected.
“Yes,” his mother replied beaming.
“Please, please make the right choice,” Lyra said.
“Oh, and Kerass,” his mother added, “don’t tell anyone else about this dream. Let it stay between the four of us.”
“The four?” Kerass questioned.
Cadence’s mother screamed when she finished reading the note. Her precious, broken daughter wrote a suicide note. She pounded on the bathroom door, breaking it down only to see the pool of blood on the floor enveloping Cadence.
Looking at his mother and Lyra, tears welled up in his eyes. He didn’t know it was possible to cry this much. He didn’t want to go.
“It’s time for you to wake up, Kerass,” his mother told him.
“Please when will I see you again?” he desperately asked.
“Soon,” Lyra replied.
“When is soon?”
“Anytime is soon, my son,” the voice of a man replied to his question.
“Please wake up, Kerass,” Lyra said.
The clouds dispersed. He was in darkness now. A bright, shining white light felt like it was burning through his eyelids.
“Please wake up, Kerass,” Lyra said again. No, no, Kerass corrected himself. That wasn’t Lyra’s voice. That was undeniably Jay. His stomach rhythmically breathing up and down, up and down soothed him, calming him down. He now felt the bed underneath him. He was in the hospital. The last thing he remembered on Earth was being choked by Jordan. Yet he had just seen the love of his life and his mother and spoken with them. He would never forget this dream as long as he lived.
He opened his eyes.
Sunday, July 15, 2018
Fallen Leaves - Chapter 56: Act My Age
Everything had changed. Now there was no one she felt she could trust. Cadence couldn’t believe what Damien had done. He was cheating on Jay. It was obvious. There was no other way of putting it. Upon thinking it over, she knew she’d told Kerass she would visit him and tell him, but Kerass, well, she didn’t think he could handle this.
The wind picked up shaking the frame of the car. Rolling the window up, she knew she should just leave. He wouldn’t listen to her anyway, but when she saw him walking on campus several yards away, she couldn’t force herself to sit still. Their friendship owed him that much. She wasn’t even 100% sure that Jay was still his boyfriend. She truly had been out of the loop for well over a year by now.
He noticed her before she came alongside him. His eyebrows raised, he asked her what she was still doing here. “You know I tried to meet up with you later last night, but you never showed. I can’t just force time for you whenever you decide to show up. Even when you so clearly need help.”
“Ouch,” Cadence uttered. “That’s not why I’m here. I don’t want nor need your help. I don’t want help from a cowardly cheater.”
“The hell are you talking about?” Damien asked floored.
“You heard me,” Cadence threatened under her breath. “I saw you. I saw you with Gus.”
Damien’s eyes bugged out, but he didn’t avert eye contact. He opened his mouth to speak, but Cadence marveled that no words slipped out.
“You can’t even deny it, can you?”
“Why should I? That kiss was the most beautiful moment of my life. Two souls connecting as one, screw what everybody else says. That was a natural, amazing moment that should be celebrated, not condemned. Gus is just now realizing that he’s homosexual.”
“You mean bisexual.”
“No, I mean homosexual. He only has eyes for me.”
“What about Jay? How could you do this to him?”
“How do you know that he’s not into polyamorous relationships?”
Cadence exhaled. That did seem like something Jay would totally be into, but there’s no way that Damien would’ve instigated it. “You just said that he only has eyes for you, which clearly goes against the polyamory definition,” she chastised. “He doesn’t know, does he?”
“No, and as far as I’m concerned there’s no reason for him to know.”
“You’re sick, Damien. You’re not the man I thought you were. I thought you were the one, the only one I could trust completely, but how can I if you’re so openly lying to your boyfriend and getting all handsy with my ex.”
“We didn’t get handsy…yet,” Damien replied with a devilish grin.
“I will never see you again,” Cadence whispered darkly. “Trust me, I never break my promises.”
She ran away from him. She didn’t dare listen to hear if he was calling after her. For all she was concerned, he was as dead as her abusive ex.
The student center was vacant apart from the few people who had to work there. Sundays were always dead days for the student center as all the eateries were closed, but if Kerass was completely honest with himself, the student center had been a dead hang out ever since he transferred, but it was Jordan’s favorite place to chill, yet Jordan hadn’t responded to any of his texts, so he just sat there just to get out of his dorm room.
Pulling out his Bible, he decided to take a moment to explore one of the Gospels. He had read Song of Solomon so many times he practically had it memorized. If he wanted more of a relationship with the Lord, which is what his mother and Lyra would’ve wanted, he would have to read some of the New Testament. He would have to read about Jesus.
Opening up to the last third of the pages, he stumbled upon Mark. He knew the story of Jesus backwards and forwards, but did he really, truly, definitively know Jesus? There was only one way to find out. He determined that he would read Mark not to discover the story, but to try and get to know Jesus, who he was, and whether he was worth following, dedicating his whole life to.
The first few verses came back to him instantly. He had read this book numerous times in his childhood. Then the verse introducing John the Baptist gave him pause. It stood out to him like a sour thumb. John the Baptist was preaching about repentance and the forgiveness of sins. He had yet to repent of his anger towards his father. He didn’t think he ever could. He shut the book quickly. No, he wasn’t ready for forgiveness. He never would be. Forgiveness was nothing more than a sign of weakness.
Jay lay on his bed. He felt more depressed than ever. Nothing, no explanation he thought about made any difference. Damien refused to call him back. If Damien truly loved him, he would make him a priority, no questions asked. Something was going on with him. It was inevitable that something was eating away inside of him, he just knew it. If only Damien would let him in. He wanted to talk about it with Kerass, but he never spent any time in the room anymore. He called Gil out of sheer frustration, but it went straight to voicemail. He felt guilty that he never followed through with meeting Gil’s boyfriend, but if he couldn’t answer his phone, he was no better than Damien.
Quickly deciding that he should call Gus, he bet inside his head that Gus’s phone was off too. Yet it started to ring. Perhaps there was still hope yet. Gus picked up after the second ring.
“Jay, my buddy,” Gus said. “It’s so great to hear from you. What’s going on?”
Jay replied that not much was happening with him. “No,” he shook his head. “That’s a lie. I just lied to you. Do you have a free moment? I really need to talk through something. It’s important.”
“Meet me in the student center in 30 minutes.”
“It’s pouring outside,” Jay observed deadpan.
“Hence the half hour wait.”
“Fine, 30 minutes on the button,” Jay replied hanging up on him. He looked out the window. The thunder shook his dorm room. He couldn’t see 5 feet from his window, but he felt he was dying just sitting in his room. He had to act. He would leave now. He’d be dry before Gus even arrived.
Cadence dialed Kerass’s number as she drove on the highway back to her mother’s. She told her mother that she was going to visit an old high school friend and her mother was beyond thrilled that she was getting out of the house that she neglected to ask when she would return.
The phone didn’t even ring before it went straight to voicemail. It was so Kerass. He was always one to live in the moment. She only had a moment before she could figure out what she wanted to say.
When the beep filled her ear, she paused for the briefest moment before she spoke. “Kerass, I, uh, I have to tell you something. I know we’ve both suffered from abusive relationships in the past year, yours was verbally abusive and well mine was physical. See, I know you’ve seen the news reports when you’ve visited Oak Stream. I did it. I shot my ex. I killed him,” she paused shaking, tears forming around her eyes. “I murdered my ex, Kerass. I just wanted you to know that. This is goodbye,” she breathed before she hung up the phone. The pain would end. It would all be over soon.
The lights flickered in the student center. Rain started dribbling down the windows, increasing as the wind rose. The rain started to pour. The door opened spraying water inside. Gus stood on the mat wiping his feet, his entire body soaked through. Jay motioned him over to his table. Gus beamed at him as he sat down.
“I guess I underestimated how much it would rain today. What’s going on?” Gus asked.
Jay couldn’t contain his feelings anymore. “I think something’s going on with Damien,” he blurted out.
“What makes you say that?” Gus asked awkwardly. “Just out of curiosity, do you have any proof?”
“Well, he hasn’t returned any of my calls for over two weeks for one thing.”
“That’s not exactly iron-clad proof. Do you have any reason to believe that he’s not faithful to you?”
“Who said anything about him cheating? Why are you getting so defensive about this?”
“Because…I mean, he’s a good friend. I just don’t like people talking shit about him. Why don’t you act your age for once?”
“Act my age!” Jay stood up yelling at Gus. He added that he wasn’t talking bad about Damien. Sitting back down he said, “Something is going on with him and I don’t have any proof, but he’s never been this distant before and I’m worried about him. That’s the truth.”
“There’s nothing to be worried about, Jay, not about him at least.”
“How would you know?”
“Because I talk to him, a lot actually.”
“He talks with you?” Jay asked floored. “When?” he demanded. “When was the last time you spoke with him?”
“This morning.”
Jay stood up and left without a word, fuming, not giving a damn that he was about to get drenched.
Kerass sat at his desk in his dorm room. His phone lay beside his laptop. Turning it on, he was instantly notified that he had a missed call and a voicemail. He really didn’t want to deal with it at the moment, but he knew he had to when he saw Cadence’s name attached to the call.
He called her back immediately, but it went straight to voicemail. Taking a deep breath, he played the message on speaker. His heart stopped. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Cadence was the most caring girl in the world apart from Lyra. She was the only one who saw him for who he truly was way back when they were freshmen together at Oak Stream High. How did she get to a place where she committed murder? It didn’t make any sense. Yet the memories of how terrible he felt when he dated Jez flooded his mind. He felt he could commit murder too, but it was fleeting, never a truly serious consideration. She had actually done it. When he heard that the message was goodbye, he felt utterly gutted. He would have to call her mother. He feared for her very sanity, but a shriek from the room above him caught him off guard.
Someone had screamed out ‘what’ at the top of their lungs. It was a voice he recognized. Jordan. He bolted out of his dorm room, slamming the door shut behind him as he raced up the steps to the second floor. Something was terribly wrong. Someone stopped him, a girl forcibly held his arms to his side warning him not to go in there.
“He’s my friend, I have to help him!” Kerass yelled at her, wrenching her hands off his arms.
“Keep away from me!” Jordan screeched as Kerass entered the room.
“What? Why, Jordan? I’m here to help you,” Kerass replied.
The girl rushed into the room trying to pull Kerass back, but it was too late. Jordan dashed up to Kerass, both hands firmly gripped around his throat. He felt his life slowly slip away. He thought of nothing other than the passage in Mark and forgiveness before everything faded to black.
The wind picked up shaking the frame of the car. Rolling the window up, she knew she should just leave. He wouldn’t listen to her anyway, but when she saw him walking on campus several yards away, she couldn’t force herself to sit still. Their friendship owed him that much. She wasn’t even 100% sure that Jay was still his boyfriend. She truly had been out of the loop for well over a year by now.
He noticed her before she came alongside him. His eyebrows raised, he asked her what she was still doing here. “You know I tried to meet up with you later last night, but you never showed. I can’t just force time for you whenever you decide to show up. Even when you so clearly need help.”
“Ouch,” Cadence uttered. “That’s not why I’m here. I don’t want nor need your help. I don’t want help from a cowardly cheater.”
“The hell are you talking about?” Damien asked floored.
“You heard me,” Cadence threatened under her breath. “I saw you. I saw you with Gus.”
Damien’s eyes bugged out, but he didn’t avert eye contact. He opened his mouth to speak, but Cadence marveled that no words slipped out.
“You can’t even deny it, can you?”
“Why should I? That kiss was the most beautiful moment of my life. Two souls connecting as one, screw what everybody else says. That was a natural, amazing moment that should be celebrated, not condemned. Gus is just now realizing that he’s homosexual.”
“You mean bisexual.”
“No, I mean homosexual. He only has eyes for me.”
“What about Jay? How could you do this to him?”
“How do you know that he’s not into polyamorous relationships?”
Cadence exhaled. That did seem like something Jay would totally be into, but there’s no way that Damien would’ve instigated it. “You just said that he only has eyes for you, which clearly goes against the polyamory definition,” she chastised. “He doesn’t know, does he?”
“No, and as far as I’m concerned there’s no reason for him to know.”
“You’re sick, Damien. You’re not the man I thought you were. I thought you were the one, the only one I could trust completely, but how can I if you’re so openly lying to your boyfriend and getting all handsy with my ex.”
“We didn’t get handsy…yet,” Damien replied with a devilish grin.
“I will never see you again,” Cadence whispered darkly. “Trust me, I never break my promises.”
She ran away from him. She didn’t dare listen to hear if he was calling after her. For all she was concerned, he was as dead as her abusive ex.
The student center was vacant apart from the few people who had to work there. Sundays were always dead days for the student center as all the eateries were closed, but if Kerass was completely honest with himself, the student center had been a dead hang out ever since he transferred, but it was Jordan’s favorite place to chill, yet Jordan hadn’t responded to any of his texts, so he just sat there just to get out of his dorm room.
Pulling out his Bible, he decided to take a moment to explore one of the Gospels. He had read Song of Solomon so many times he practically had it memorized. If he wanted more of a relationship with the Lord, which is what his mother and Lyra would’ve wanted, he would have to read some of the New Testament. He would have to read about Jesus.
Opening up to the last third of the pages, he stumbled upon Mark. He knew the story of Jesus backwards and forwards, but did he really, truly, definitively know Jesus? There was only one way to find out. He determined that he would read Mark not to discover the story, but to try and get to know Jesus, who he was, and whether he was worth following, dedicating his whole life to.
The first few verses came back to him instantly. He had read this book numerous times in his childhood. Then the verse introducing John the Baptist gave him pause. It stood out to him like a sour thumb. John the Baptist was preaching about repentance and the forgiveness of sins. He had yet to repent of his anger towards his father. He didn’t think he ever could. He shut the book quickly. No, he wasn’t ready for forgiveness. He never would be. Forgiveness was nothing more than a sign of weakness.
Jay lay on his bed. He felt more depressed than ever. Nothing, no explanation he thought about made any difference. Damien refused to call him back. If Damien truly loved him, he would make him a priority, no questions asked. Something was going on with him. It was inevitable that something was eating away inside of him, he just knew it. If only Damien would let him in. He wanted to talk about it with Kerass, but he never spent any time in the room anymore. He called Gil out of sheer frustration, but it went straight to voicemail. He felt guilty that he never followed through with meeting Gil’s boyfriend, but if he couldn’t answer his phone, he was no better than Damien.
Quickly deciding that he should call Gus, he bet inside his head that Gus’s phone was off too. Yet it started to ring. Perhaps there was still hope yet. Gus picked up after the second ring.
“Jay, my buddy,” Gus said. “It’s so great to hear from you. What’s going on?”
Jay replied that not much was happening with him. “No,” he shook his head. “That’s a lie. I just lied to you. Do you have a free moment? I really need to talk through something. It’s important.”
“Meet me in the student center in 30 minutes.”
“It’s pouring outside,” Jay observed deadpan.
“Hence the half hour wait.”
“Fine, 30 minutes on the button,” Jay replied hanging up on him. He looked out the window. The thunder shook his dorm room. He couldn’t see 5 feet from his window, but he felt he was dying just sitting in his room. He had to act. He would leave now. He’d be dry before Gus even arrived.
Cadence dialed Kerass’s number as she drove on the highway back to her mother’s. She told her mother that she was going to visit an old high school friend and her mother was beyond thrilled that she was getting out of the house that she neglected to ask when she would return.
The phone didn’t even ring before it went straight to voicemail. It was so Kerass. He was always one to live in the moment. She only had a moment before she could figure out what she wanted to say.
When the beep filled her ear, she paused for the briefest moment before she spoke. “Kerass, I, uh, I have to tell you something. I know we’ve both suffered from abusive relationships in the past year, yours was verbally abusive and well mine was physical. See, I know you’ve seen the news reports when you’ve visited Oak Stream. I did it. I shot my ex. I killed him,” she paused shaking, tears forming around her eyes. “I murdered my ex, Kerass. I just wanted you to know that. This is goodbye,” she breathed before she hung up the phone. The pain would end. It would all be over soon.
The lights flickered in the student center. Rain started dribbling down the windows, increasing as the wind rose. The rain started to pour. The door opened spraying water inside. Gus stood on the mat wiping his feet, his entire body soaked through. Jay motioned him over to his table. Gus beamed at him as he sat down.
“I guess I underestimated how much it would rain today. What’s going on?” Gus asked.
Jay couldn’t contain his feelings anymore. “I think something’s going on with Damien,” he blurted out.
“What makes you say that?” Gus asked awkwardly. “Just out of curiosity, do you have any proof?”
“Well, he hasn’t returned any of my calls for over two weeks for one thing.”
“That’s not exactly iron-clad proof. Do you have any reason to believe that he’s not faithful to you?”
“Who said anything about him cheating? Why are you getting so defensive about this?”
“Because…I mean, he’s a good friend. I just don’t like people talking shit about him. Why don’t you act your age for once?”
“Act my age!” Jay stood up yelling at Gus. He added that he wasn’t talking bad about Damien. Sitting back down he said, “Something is going on with him and I don’t have any proof, but he’s never been this distant before and I’m worried about him. That’s the truth.”
“There’s nothing to be worried about, Jay, not about him at least.”
“How would you know?”
“Because I talk to him, a lot actually.”
“He talks with you?” Jay asked floored. “When?” he demanded. “When was the last time you spoke with him?”
“This morning.”
Jay stood up and left without a word, fuming, not giving a damn that he was about to get drenched.
Kerass sat at his desk in his dorm room. His phone lay beside his laptop. Turning it on, he was instantly notified that he had a missed call and a voicemail. He really didn’t want to deal with it at the moment, but he knew he had to when he saw Cadence’s name attached to the call.
He called her back immediately, but it went straight to voicemail. Taking a deep breath, he played the message on speaker. His heart stopped. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Cadence was the most caring girl in the world apart from Lyra. She was the only one who saw him for who he truly was way back when they were freshmen together at Oak Stream High. How did she get to a place where she committed murder? It didn’t make any sense. Yet the memories of how terrible he felt when he dated Jez flooded his mind. He felt he could commit murder too, but it was fleeting, never a truly serious consideration. She had actually done it. When he heard that the message was goodbye, he felt utterly gutted. He would have to call her mother. He feared for her very sanity, but a shriek from the room above him caught him off guard.
Someone had screamed out ‘what’ at the top of their lungs. It was a voice he recognized. Jordan. He bolted out of his dorm room, slamming the door shut behind him as he raced up the steps to the second floor. Something was terribly wrong. Someone stopped him, a girl forcibly held his arms to his side warning him not to go in there.
“He’s my friend, I have to help him!” Kerass yelled at her, wrenching her hands off his arms.
“Keep away from me!” Jordan screeched as Kerass entered the room.
“What? Why, Jordan? I’m here to help you,” Kerass replied.
The girl rushed into the room trying to pull Kerass back, but it was too late. Jordan dashed up to Kerass, both hands firmly gripped around his throat. He felt his life slowly slip away. He thought of nothing other than the passage in Mark and forgiveness before everything faded to black.
Sunday, July 8, 2018
Fallen Leaves - Chapter 55: Kiss You
Damien froze. His heart started pounded. He tried to exhale, to breathe, but he just held his breath in shock. This wasn’t real. This couldn’t be happening. There was no way this was true.
“You,” he paused stuttering, “you what?” he asked incredulously.
“Don’t make me repeat myself,” Cadence replied.
Damien placed his hands on his temples, rubbing them to try and calm his mind. “Who was it?” He added that he needed to know.
“An old abusive boyfriend.”
“Wait,” he held up his index finger perplexed, “you two weren’t together at this point?”
“No,” she inhaled, “not by the point of his death.”
“His murder,” he chastised, “you mean.”
“You don’t understand, Damien. He hurt me like nobody did. I will forever be broken by what he did to me but I can’t say I fully regret my decision.”
“How’d you do it?” he whispered.
“A bullet. I shot him in the head.”
“Why’d you do it?”
“I couldn’t let him hurt me or anyone else ever again.”
“Did he want to get back together with you? Was he forcing himself on you? Is that why you pulled the trigger?”
“No,” Cadence breathed. “He thought it would be a bad idea for us to live together again, but I, I only had intentions of killing him, exacting revenge in the cruelest way possible to make him feel what he did to me.”
“I don’t believe this,” he uttered under his breath. “You committed pre-meditated murder. He didn’t attack you. This was no form of self-defense. It was just cold-hearted murder and you don’t feel one ounce of shame.”
“No,” she replied defiantly. “I feel nothing,” she paused, “nothing but pride.”
Kerass shouted across the quad when he saw Jordan. It looked like it took a moment for Jordan to register who was calling out to him, but he gave Kerass the biggest smile when he jogged across the quad over to greet him.
“I didn’t think I would see today,” Jordan said jovially. “Somehow our paths keep crossing, not that I’m complaining or anything.”
“I can’t explain it.”
“I think I can,” Jordan said. He gestured towards the bench asking him if he’d like to sit down.
“Enlighten me,” Kerass said unable to prevent himself from grinning.
“Interesting choice of words, buddy,” Jordan replied running his hand over his shaved head. “See, God’s placed us in each other’s lives for a reason. We keep crossing paths together because we’ve got things to teach each other.”
“You really believe that, don’t you?”
“100 percent,” Jordan replied with confidence.
“I don’t know if I can get on board with that.”
“Why not? You don’t think we can learn things from each other?”
“I think I could learn things from you, definitely,” Kerass replied encouragingly. “Just seeing as I’m not a believer, I don’t think there’s anything you can learn from me.”
“Oh, no, Kerass, that’s not true. I think I’ve already learned from you.”
“Don’t bullshit me. I can’t stand when people are fake-nice. It’s so infuriating because it doesn’t help anybody. Lying to me isn’t going to help anybody.”
“No, I’m not lying to you. It’s true, you have taught me something.”
“Can you provide an example?” Kerass spat back. He was beyond frustrated. So many people talked out of their asses to save face.
Jordan nodded. “You carry the Bible with you wherever you go. You view His word as the primary source of truth regarding God, yet you’re still sensitive and compassionate to Jay.”
“You’ve met Jay?”
“Yeah, Jeremy had me meet him. When he told me that you two were rooming together I was quite stunned.”
“Why?”
Jordan smiled. “You’re deeply opinionated and passionate. I didn’t think you’d be able to talk with someone like Jay without being judgemental, but see, Kerass, you give everyone respect and the space to go on their own journeys. You don’t back down on what you think. I’m not as bold as you. You’ve taught me to be more honest and vulnerable and I thank you profusely for that.”
Kerass was floored. It was the nicest thing anyone had ever said to him. It seemed like a stretch that Jordan could pick up on that with just a month of running into each other circumstantially. Was Jordan truly that perceptive or was he just trying to save face?
“How do you know all this about me?”
“The Lord drew me to you, of that I’m certain, and I’m grateful that He did. He’s revealed it, but just watching you interact with others from afar, how could I not notice? You’re a sensitive guy, Kerass.”
“I’m not sensitive, I’m just…” he paused unable to think of what to say, “broken,” he finally added the word after an uncomfortably long silence.
“Well, that’s true enough. That’s true of everyone, but you are sensitive even if you don’t see it yet and that’s something to be celebrated. It’s a beautiful gift from above.”
“Why are you building me up? I thought we were going to talk about God. I thought that’s why we were drawn to each other because we’re both willing to talk about God.”
“Yes, absolutely, but I also want to speak into your life and encourage you because you lack so much self-confidence. Remember 1 Thessalonians 5:11: Therefore encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing. You need love so much right now, yet you push it away and get embarrassed when people give you love openly."
“I’m sorry, Jordan. I guess I’m just self-conscious right now about it. People, they just, they don’t want to stand beside me.”
“Do you even hear youself?” Jordan asked perplexed. “What do you think I’m doing right now? Why do you keep pushing me away?”
“Because I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to love again,” Kerass replied choking on tears which flowed effortlessly down his face. “That includes friendship,” he said wiping his tears away.
“I was right all along. You are sensitive and it’s a beautiful gift, yet you just don’t it yet.”
“Will you help me to see it?” Kerass pleaded.
“You don’t even have to ask,” Jordan smiled patting Kerass on the back.
Damien held Gus’s hand stroking it with his thumb. He told him Gus he was sorry he was away all morning. “I’ve been thinking about you, about us, though.”
“I don’t know if I can give you what you want from me,” Gus replied letting go of Damien’s hand.
“You’re gay, Gus. You know it to be true. You wouldn’t have come out all this way to talk with me if you weren’t interested in exploring it.”
“It’s not that simple!” Gus yelled back at Damien. “You knew you were gay so much earlier than I did and I’m not even sure if that’s fully true. I know I feel drawn to you, but it’s just too complicated.”
“What’s so complicated about it?” Damien asked gently. “I feel drawn to you, too. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. We could be amazing together.”
“What about Jay?”
“What about him?” Damien replied nonchalantly.
“He’s my friend and he’s your boyfriend. We can’t just betray him like this,” he paused as Damien stroked his face, “ca-, can we?”
“I think you already know the answer to that,” Damien whispered in his ear.
“No!” Gus shoved him away. “This isn’t right, Damien. You and I will both regret this if we push it any further. It’s already gone on long enough. Yes, I want to be with you, but as long as I’m friends with Jay and you’re dating him, we just can’t do this.”
“You wouldn’t say that if we kissed. You’d feel the connection, see the passion between us. It’d be undeniable.”
“Kiss you?” Gus asked flabbergasted. “That’s a load,” he reprimanded. “Nothing would change if we just kissed.”
“Oh, yeah?”
“Yeah!” Gus replied defiantly. “I am not as confident in my sexuality as you want me to be. So stop manipulating me to give you what you want.”
“It’s what you want too!” Damien challenged. “Why are you still standing here if you don’t want me to pursue you? If that’s truly what you want just walk away right now.”
After an elongated pause, Gus replied, “I am not gay enough for you.”
“Prove it,” Damien said.
Jay lay on his back in his dorm room. He knew he shouldn’t text Damien. What was the point? Damien wouldn’t reply back anyways, yet he couldn’t bring himself to stop. He pulled out his phone and sent a lengthy text message that said that he missed him and that if he didn’t respond that he’d delete his number and officially end their relationship. Pausing for a moment before he sent the text, he chickened out. He deleted the sentences demanding an ultimatum. No, Jay knew he wasn’t ready to let go of Damien again. He never wanted to break up in the first place, yet he couldn’t help fearing that Damien would break up with him anyway.
He jumped up startled when Kerass walked out of the bathroom.
“Why are you being so weird? Did I scare you or something? I’m allowed to use the bathroom in my own dormitory.”
“Of course you are,” Jay replied. “I just didn’t think you were in here. You’re gone so often now.”
“I know, I’m sorry about that,” Kerass exhaled. “It’s nothing personnel. I can’t seem to stop pushing everybody who cares for me away.”
“Why do you think that is?” Jay asked with great trepidation. He continued saying that he didn’t have to answer.
“No, I want to. I’m afraid that if I let people in again that I’ll lose them.”
“You’ll never lose me as a friend, Kerass.”
“No, you don’t get it, Jay,” Kerass replied more to himself than to Jay. “I’m not afraid of losing you as a friend. I’m afraid of losing you period.”
“Explain yourself.”
“With both my mom and with Lyra, I was more vulnerable with them than I was with anybody. They both died. See, Jay, when people get near me they die,” he added shedding tears.
“That’s not true. Why are you believing lies?”
“What else have I got to believe in?” Kerass asked succumbing to his tears, sobbing.
Jay got up and hugged Kerass, who openly wept into his shoulder. It was the most beautiful, most intimate moment he had ever experienced in their long history of friendship. Finally, after all these years, Kerass was being open with him and trusted him with his tears. He swore to himself that he would never betray his trust. He knew he needed Kerass’s friendship a lot more than he needed Damien as a boyfriend.
Cadence knocked on Damien’s dorm room. Waiting for what seemed like an eternity, she determined he must not be in there. She had lied. She wasn’t proud of what she’d done and she spited herself for saying that in the first place, but she couldn’t stop herself. He didn’t provide warmth and comfort, he provided a bitter coldness and self-doubt, but that wasn’t the way she wanted their encounter to end. Finally giving up, she turned the corner and saw the most disturbing image she had ever seen. It would forever be scarred in her brain. Her ex was kissing her ex. Gus was passionately kissing Damien, leaning back in his full embrace.
“You,” he paused stuttering, “you what?” he asked incredulously.
“Don’t make me repeat myself,” Cadence replied.
Damien placed his hands on his temples, rubbing them to try and calm his mind. “Who was it?” He added that he needed to know.
“An old abusive boyfriend.”
“Wait,” he held up his index finger perplexed, “you two weren’t together at this point?”
“No,” she inhaled, “not by the point of his death.”
“His murder,” he chastised, “you mean.”
“You don’t understand, Damien. He hurt me like nobody did. I will forever be broken by what he did to me but I can’t say I fully regret my decision.”
“How’d you do it?” he whispered.
“A bullet. I shot him in the head.”
“Why’d you do it?”
“I couldn’t let him hurt me or anyone else ever again.”
“Did he want to get back together with you? Was he forcing himself on you? Is that why you pulled the trigger?”
“No,” Cadence breathed. “He thought it would be a bad idea for us to live together again, but I, I only had intentions of killing him, exacting revenge in the cruelest way possible to make him feel what he did to me.”
“I don’t believe this,” he uttered under his breath. “You committed pre-meditated murder. He didn’t attack you. This was no form of self-defense. It was just cold-hearted murder and you don’t feel one ounce of shame.”
“No,” she replied defiantly. “I feel nothing,” she paused, “nothing but pride.”
Kerass shouted across the quad when he saw Jordan. It looked like it took a moment for Jordan to register who was calling out to him, but he gave Kerass the biggest smile when he jogged across the quad over to greet him.
“I didn’t think I would see today,” Jordan said jovially. “Somehow our paths keep crossing, not that I’m complaining or anything.”
“I can’t explain it.”
“I think I can,” Jordan said. He gestured towards the bench asking him if he’d like to sit down.
“Enlighten me,” Kerass said unable to prevent himself from grinning.
“Interesting choice of words, buddy,” Jordan replied running his hand over his shaved head. “See, God’s placed us in each other’s lives for a reason. We keep crossing paths together because we’ve got things to teach each other.”
“You really believe that, don’t you?”
“100 percent,” Jordan replied with confidence.
“I don’t know if I can get on board with that.”
“Why not? You don’t think we can learn things from each other?”
“I think I could learn things from you, definitely,” Kerass replied encouragingly. “Just seeing as I’m not a believer, I don’t think there’s anything you can learn from me.”
“Oh, no, Kerass, that’s not true. I think I’ve already learned from you.”
“Don’t bullshit me. I can’t stand when people are fake-nice. It’s so infuriating because it doesn’t help anybody. Lying to me isn’t going to help anybody.”
“No, I’m not lying to you. It’s true, you have taught me something.”
“Can you provide an example?” Kerass spat back. He was beyond frustrated. So many people talked out of their asses to save face.
Jordan nodded. “You carry the Bible with you wherever you go. You view His word as the primary source of truth regarding God, yet you’re still sensitive and compassionate to Jay.”
“You’ve met Jay?”
“Yeah, Jeremy had me meet him. When he told me that you two were rooming together I was quite stunned.”
“Why?”
Jordan smiled. “You’re deeply opinionated and passionate. I didn’t think you’d be able to talk with someone like Jay without being judgemental, but see, Kerass, you give everyone respect and the space to go on their own journeys. You don’t back down on what you think. I’m not as bold as you. You’ve taught me to be more honest and vulnerable and I thank you profusely for that.”
Kerass was floored. It was the nicest thing anyone had ever said to him. It seemed like a stretch that Jordan could pick up on that with just a month of running into each other circumstantially. Was Jordan truly that perceptive or was he just trying to save face?
“How do you know all this about me?”
“The Lord drew me to you, of that I’m certain, and I’m grateful that He did. He’s revealed it, but just watching you interact with others from afar, how could I not notice? You’re a sensitive guy, Kerass.”
“I’m not sensitive, I’m just…” he paused unable to think of what to say, “broken,” he finally added the word after an uncomfortably long silence.
“Well, that’s true enough. That’s true of everyone, but you are sensitive even if you don’t see it yet and that’s something to be celebrated. It’s a beautiful gift from above.”
“Why are you building me up? I thought we were going to talk about God. I thought that’s why we were drawn to each other because we’re both willing to talk about God.”
“Yes, absolutely, but I also want to speak into your life and encourage you because you lack so much self-confidence. Remember 1 Thessalonians 5:11: Therefore encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing. You need love so much right now, yet you push it away and get embarrassed when people give you love openly."
“I’m sorry, Jordan. I guess I’m just self-conscious right now about it. People, they just, they don’t want to stand beside me.”
“Do you even hear youself?” Jordan asked perplexed. “What do you think I’m doing right now? Why do you keep pushing me away?”
“Because I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to love again,” Kerass replied choking on tears which flowed effortlessly down his face. “That includes friendship,” he said wiping his tears away.
“I was right all along. You are sensitive and it’s a beautiful gift, yet you just don’t it yet.”
“Will you help me to see it?” Kerass pleaded.
“You don’t even have to ask,” Jordan smiled patting Kerass on the back.
Damien held Gus’s hand stroking it with his thumb. He told him Gus he was sorry he was away all morning. “I’ve been thinking about you, about us, though.”
“I don’t know if I can give you what you want from me,” Gus replied letting go of Damien’s hand.
“You’re gay, Gus. You know it to be true. You wouldn’t have come out all this way to talk with me if you weren’t interested in exploring it.”
“It’s not that simple!” Gus yelled back at Damien. “You knew you were gay so much earlier than I did and I’m not even sure if that’s fully true. I know I feel drawn to you, but it’s just too complicated.”
“What’s so complicated about it?” Damien asked gently. “I feel drawn to you, too. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. We could be amazing together.”
“What about Jay?”
“What about him?” Damien replied nonchalantly.
“He’s my friend and he’s your boyfriend. We can’t just betray him like this,” he paused as Damien stroked his face, “ca-, can we?”
“I think you already know the answer to that,” Damien whispered in his ear.
“No!” Gus shoved him away. “This isn’t right, Damien. You and I will both regret this if we push it any further. It’s already gone on long enough. Yes, I want to be with you, but as long as I’m friends with Jay and you’re dating him, we just can’t do this.”
“You wouldn’t say that if we kissed. You’d feel the connection, see the passion between us. It’d be undeniable.”
“Kiss you?” Gus asked flabbergasted. “That’s a load,” he reprimanded. “Nothing would change if we just kissed.”
“Oh, yeah?”
“Yeah!” Gus replied defiantly. “I am not as confident in my sexuality as you want me to be. So stop manipulating me to give you what you want.”
“It’s what you want too!” Damien challenged. “Why are you still standing here if you don’t want me to pursue you? If that’s truly what you want just walk away right now.”
After an elongated pause, Gus replied, “I am not gay enough for you.”
“Prove it,” Damien said.
Jay lay on his back in his dorm room. He knew he shouldn’t text Damien. What was the point? Damien wouldn’t reply back anyways, yet he couldn’t bring himself to stop. He pulled out his phone and sent a lengthy text message that said that he missed him and that if he didn’t respond that he’d delete his number and officially end their relationship. Pausing for a moment before he sent the text, he chickened out. He deleted the sentences demanding an ultimatum. No, Jay knew he wasn’t ready to let go of Damien again. He never wanted to break up in the first place, yet he couldn’t help fearing that Damien would break up with him anyway.
He jumped up startled when Kerass walked out of the bathroom.
“Why are you being so weird? Did I scare you or something? I’m allowed to use the bathroom in my own dormitory.”
“Of course you are,” Jay replied. “I just didn’t think you were in here. You’re gone so often now.”
“I know, I’m sorry about that,” Kerass exhaled. “It’s nothing personnel. I can’t seem to stop pushing everybody who cares for me away.”
“Why do you think that is?” Jay asked with great trepidation. He continued saying that he didn’t have to answer.
“No, I want to. I’m afraid that if I let people in again that I’ll lose them.”
“You’ll never lose me as a friend, Kerass.”
“No, you don’t get it, Jay,” Kerass replied more to himself than to Jay. “I’m not afraid of losing you as a friend. I’m afraid of losing you period.”
“Explain yourself.”
“With both my mom and with Lyra, I was more vulnerable with them than I was with anybody. They both died. See, Jay, when people get near me they die,” he added shedding tears.
“That’s not true. Why are you believing lies?”
“What else have I got to believe in?” Kerass asked succumbing to his tears, sobbing.
Jay got up and hugged Kerass, who openly wept into his shoulder. It was the most beautiful, most intimate moment he had ever experienced in their long history of friendship. Finally, after all these years, Kerass was being open with him and trusted him with his tears. He swore to himself that he would never betray his trust. He knew he needed Kerass’s friendship a lot more than he needed Damien as a boyfriend.
Cadence knocked on Damien’s dorm room. Waiting for what seemed like an eternity, she determined he must not be in there. She had lied. She wasn’t proud of what she’d done and she spited herself for saying that in the first place, but she couldn’t stop herself. He didn’t provide warmth and comfort, he provided a bitter coldness and self-doubt, but that wasn’t the way she wanted their encounter to end. Finally giving up, she turned the corner and saw the most disturbing image she had ever seen. It would forever be scarred in her brain. Her ex was kissing her ex. Gus was passionately kissing Damien, leaning back in his full embrace.
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