Damien sat down beside Kerass’s bed. Apparently Kerass had woken an hour before he arrived. Nobody thought to call Damien, which he was a little frustrated about, but really it didn’t matter because Kerass was awake and he was safe. He held Kerass’s hand, gripped it gently and then let it go.
“You know you didn’t have to let go,” Kerass told him gently. He added that he didn’t mind it at all.
“I just don’t want to cross any boundaries. I fear I’ve already done that too much recently.”
“You and I both know I’m not gay. Others may view it as weird, but believe me when I say that I don’t.”
“Thanks, Kerass,” Damien replied wiping a tear from his face. He couldn’t help himself. The moment he saw Kerass in that hospital bed, he just started crying.
“Why the tears, Damien? I’m fine. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever been better.”
“You really mean that?” he asked hopefully.
“I don’t lie about those things. Of course I mean it. If I rarely say it, you know it’s true.”
“Why?”
“I had the most beautiful…” Kerass trailed off. “Well, just trust me when I say that I can’t share it even though I want to.”
“Ok,” Damien nodded. He was deathly curious, but given Kerass’s current state he daren’t ask.
“We’ve come a long way since last year.”
Damien nodded.
“Hell, I don’t even talk shit about your sexuality anymore. You really called me out on that and I’m so glad you did. I’ve grown a lot since then.”
“Indeed,” Damien tried to crack a smile, but he felt his mind kept wandering to Gus and Jay. They were all there in the same place together. Granted Jay and Gus weren’t in the hospital, but God only knows what they were sharing with each other on campus. He couldn’t keep this up and Jay had never done anything wrong, nothing worthy of breaking up over, but…well, he had just fallen in love with someone else. Jay would understand, wouldn’t he? Jay had told him during prom that he had no feelings for him anymore. There was that, but things had changed. The truth was Lyra had changed everything. He didn’t want to hold back anymore. There was no competition, but he still couldn’t bring himself to tell Jay.
“You didn’t answer my question,” Kerass observed.
“What?” Damien snapped himself back into focus.
“You were really out of it. What’s going on?”
“This is meant to be about you, Kerass, not me.”
“I told you I don’t know how many times that I’m perfectly fine now.”
“You’re not going anywhere near that guy again, are you?”
“No,” Kerass promised. “He lost his chance at friendship with me when he squeezed my neck.”
“Good because I’d personally love to kick his ass.”
“You’re avoiding, you know that?” Kerass chastised lying on his side. “Why don’t you tell me what’s on your mind? Could it really be that bad?”
“Yes,” Damien breathed deeply. “I, uh, I need to confess something to you.”
“What is it? You know there’s no judgment here.”
“I know, that’s why I, uh, have to tell you. I haven’t exactly been faithful to Jay.”
“What do you mean?” Kerass asked trepidatiously.
“I’ve been seeing someone else. He just stole my heart and I’m tired of waiting for sex.”
“Oh my god…” Kerass replied, his eyes bulging. “Who?” he demanded.
“It’s not a physical affair yet, it’s more of an emotional one.”
“Stop defending yourself!” Kerass scolded. “Who?”
“Gus.”
The face of disgust that crossed Kerass told him everything. He should leave, but he couldn’t just let their friendship go just like that. “Kerass, please, please let me explain.”
“How?” Kerass replied bewildered. “How could you let this happen?”
“I fell out of love with Jay. It was nobody’s fault, we just aren’t sexually compatible.”
“What sort of bullshit is that? You just fell out of love with him. Just like that? I don’t believe a word of this.”
“How could you do this to Jay?”
“What do you mean? We just weren’t good together we never were. I thought you of all people would understand this.”
“Understand what? You’re cheating on him. You’re cheating on my oldest friend. What part of that do I not understand?”
“We’re not cheating per se. We haven’t done it yet.”
“Yet…right,” Kerass nodded. “There’s a lot that I can overlook, Damien, but this…this is just too much. You’re defending something you know full well to be wrong. Go,” he uttered in reply. “I don’t want to see you, I don’t want to look at you right now. Don’t speak with me again until you’ve resolved everything with Jay and if you can’t do that well, I don’t see how we can remain as friends. It’s as simple…”
Damien didn’t stay to hear the rest of what he said. There was no way he was staying where he wasn’t wanted. Kerass had been someone he poured so much into when they were on the same campus, but perhaps Vance was right. There was no more relationship with him because Kerass didn’t pursue him back. Plus he was being so judgmental. How could he not understand that some people just fall out of love? He felt sick to his stomach, but he just couldn’t bring himself to try and reconcile with him. He was beyond thrilled that he was awake and fine, but there was no way he was apologizing for what he’d done. He had Gus. That’s all he ever wanted. He had done nothing wrong.
Cadence woke up. The last 24 hours had been a blur. She didn’t succeed in accomplishing her goal. She was still alive. She still had to live with the fact that she murdered someone. Her mother sat next to her gasping when she opened her eyes. “Darling, you’re safe now,” she reassured her.
“What happened to me?” Cadence asked. She couldn’t explain why, but tears welled up. She began crying and she couldn’t stop.
“I think you may need some help. You attempted suicide. Thank God you didn’t succeed,” she added gently kissing her forehead.
“What do you mean by help?”
“Well, you’re going to need to stay at an inpatient psych ward.”
“Oh, Mom,” Cadence scoffed at her. She added that she didn’t need medication to fix her problems.
“You tried to kill yourself and you left a cryptic note that didn’t explain why. Why won’t you tell me what happened? I know something’s been bothering you. I know you’ve been taking from my pills. I’ve known it for a long time. I just couldn’t face it.”
“Do I have a choice?”
“No.”
Cadence doubted that was true, but didn’t have enough energy to fight her on it. All she wanted to do was sleep. Slowly closing her eyes she agreed to go to the inpatient psychiatry unit.
Rays of sunlight fell down through the clouds. It wasn’t exactly overcast. It was beautiful. It was the perfect day. Kerass beamed. He couldn’t believe he was out walking again so soon after his hospital stay. Jeremy promised to buy him his first meal after he got back on campus. He should’ve been there 5 minutes ago, but he was taking his time, leisurely walking across campus, taken with the enormity and the beauty of it all.
The student center arrived too soon on his walk. There he was waiting for him. He wasn’t exactly ready to face reality yet, not after the bombshell that Damien had left him back at the hospital. Yet, Kerass couldn’t deny that he was thrilled to see him.
Jeremy greeted him outside shaking his hand. “I was getting worried when you didn’t show up on time,” he admitted.
“Nothing to worry about,” Kerass patted his shoulder. He continued saying he was just taking the scenic route.
“Jaden used to always do that.”
“How are you two?” Kerass asked. “I mean, I haven’t exactly met her yet.”
“Oh, she’s fine. We’re taking a little bit of a break. The whole long distance thing, it just wasn’t healthy for us.”
“When did this happen?”
“Just a little over a month ago,” Jeremy replied nonchalantly. “It’s not a big deal, really.”
“Does this have anything to do with you admitting to her about our mutual problem?”
“No,” Jeremy shook his head. “She still texts me about it actually. She’s a great sister in the faith, but in terms of romance, it’s just not right now.”
“I gotcha. Makes sense really.”
“I miss her, but it’s for the best, at least for right now.”
“You think you’ll get back together?”
“We’ll see. I’m open to the idea, but whatever God wants will happen, right?”
“I guess so. I think if you want her you have to pursue her.”
“Well, anyway, what are we doing just standing out here? Let’s head inside.”
Kerass nodded. It didn’t take long to figure out what to eat. They always ate at the same place, yet he didn’t order much. He really wasn’t that hungry and he had no desire to stuff his face full of crap.
“Do you still talk to him?” Kerass asked.
Jeremy looked stunned. “Yes,” he admitted defiantly.
“Why? He tried to kill me, Jeremy. I’m never going to talk with him again. It’s too dangerous. How could you side with him after what he did to me?”
“You need to be more gracious to Jordan.”
“Why?” Kerass asked. He didn’t want to be gracious anymore. Everyone around him was just disappointing him. What was the point in hiding the fact that there were poisonous people in life? “He attacked me, not the other way around. He should be asking my forgiveness. Why should I forgive him?”
“You have no comprehension of what he’s gone through.”
Damien kissed Gus on the forehead.
“You are so beautiful,” he whispered in his ear.
“Stop it. I’m not attractive at all,” Gus replied laden with self-doubt.
“You are to me,” Damien said wrapping his arms around his waist. Whispering in his ear, he stated that he didn’t want to wait anymore.
“What are you saying, exactly?”
“I’m sick and tired of everyone telling us what to do. Telling us how to define what we mean to each other. I want you. I want all of you, right now.”
“Are you sure? It’ll be the first time for both of us.”
“Definitely. I want to tell the whole world that I loved you first. I want to make love with you.”
Gus put his hands on Damien’s cheeks. They kissed each other fervently. Damien led them towards to bed. Shutting the door behind them, locking it, he began unbuttoning his shirt.
Jay walked towards Gus’s room. He knew that Damien would be there. He just knew it. There was no point in delaying the inevitable. He knocked on the door.
Sunday, July 29, 2018
Sunday, July 22, 2018
Fallen Leaves - Chapter 57: Clouds
Kerass opened his eyes. He couldn’t tell where he was. All he could see around him was clouds. He was lying down on clouds. Getting up on his elbows, he glanced below him, but he couldn’t see the earth. This couldn’t be real. He couldn’t possibly be in heaven, in paradise. He hadn’t made a decision yet on whether he wanted to believe in God, to follow Jesus, or not.
Taking a deep breath, he put his head back on the cloud underneath him completely relaxing as his stomach rhythmically rose up and down, up and down while he breathed. This was glorious. This was wonderful. Nothing could take away his peace from this moment.
The wind picked up, leaves were dancing around him landing on the clouds. He didn’t realize leaves went up this high. But wait…this wasn’t real. This was just a dream, a marvelous dream that he didn’t want to wake from.
The next gush of wind brought even more colorful leaves up toward him, instinctively, he stood up. Amazed that he was standing, walking on the clouds, he ran. He chased after the leaves attempting to catch one in his hand.
The red one danced above him, he stretched, but it just barely left his grasp. He jumped and realized he wasn’t coming down. Gravity didn’t exist here, wherever here was. He was flying. He soared stroking his arms to reach higher and higher heights. Reaching out his hand, he stretched, his arm extended extraordinarily enough. His fingers closed. The red leaf was in his hand. Smiling, he was content that he had captured this beautiful remnant of nature below, a nature he could no longer see. His arm retracted to normal length. All of a sudden, he felt gravity’s pull. He was no longer flying, he was falling. He screamed as he gained speed coming faster and faster to the clouds. He just knew they would no longer hold him, but then the clouds gently held him, bouncing him up and down like a trampoline as gravity’s pull battled for control over him.
He felt safe here. He never wanted to leave this place. This space where no one bothered him and all his problems vanished instantly. Holding the dark-red leaf in front of him, he examined the veins, running his index finger over them. It soothed him and inexplicably he felt he had held this leaf before.
A gust of wind startled him. The leaf broke free. He tried to get up, but he felt exhausted and just laid there watching it float away, yet something happened. It didn’t maintain its shape. The ridges of the leaf extended downward, flowing in the wind. It looked like red hair, long, flowing, strikingly red hair. Out from the hair, the body followed clothed in brilliant, majestic white robes. He knew this woman, yet he didn’t know why. She walked away from him, not turning back to see if he was following. He broke free from the grip that held him down and followed the red-haired woman.
After he had followed her for a time, she turned around to face him. Who he saw floored him. He couldn’t even speak.
“I’m glad you followed, Kerass,” she said, one eyebrow raised mischievously.
“Your hair is beautiful,” he replied. He added that there was never a time when her hair wasn’t stunningly beautiful.
“Thanks,” she added.
“I can’t believe you’re here,” he exhaled, “Lyra.”
Jay held Kerass’s hand, sitting beside him while he lay in a coma on the hospital bed. A tear slowly crawled down his face. How had he let Kerass get so far away from him? They were roommates. They had been best friends for years. They should be so much closer than they were, but that could change.
“I won’t let you go,” Jay reassured him. “I know you can hear me. I’ll come and visit you weekly until you come back to me.” He added that there was so much that he wanted to tell him. “So much to catch you up on.”
A hand gently grasped his shoulder, causing him to jolt with fright. Gus was looking down at him. He jumped up flinging Gus’s hand off his shoulder.
“Get the hell away from me,” Jay spat at him.
“Why? What’d I do?” Gus asked flabbergasted.
“You think I don’t know? I’m not stupid, Gus. I can read between the lines. You’ve taken Damien away from me.”
“That’s not exactly what happened,” Gus sheepishly defended himself.
“Well, why don’t you explain yourself?” Jay challenged. He continued poking saying he might be too cowardly to face the truth.
“Hey!” he yelled at him. “I’m not exactly innocent, I’ll give you that, but I am not fully to blame either and if you can’t see that, that’s not my fault.”
“Bullshit. You stole him away from me.”
“This isn’t the right time or place to talk about this,” Gus replied under his breath.
“Agreed. I don’t want you or his cheating hands anywhere near my best friend. You can leave now.”
“No, see I can’t. Damien’s coming to visit Kerass, too. You may want to reevaluate your friendship with him. He claimed me to be his best friend during high school graduation.”
“He did not,” Jay uttered back, choking on tears.
“Yeah, he did. See, I was there for him when you were off doing who knows what the hell you were doing. When you started dating Damien you pushed him away and that distance only grew over the years. You have no one to blame but yourself for that.”
Jay tried to glare at him, but he knew it wasn’t intimidating at all, because he was still crying profusely. “Why do you have to be so cruel?” he asked under his breath.
“I’m sorry. I’m just calling it like I see it. Can we both let our grievances go to come alongside Kerass in his time of need?”
“I’ll try,” Jay responded wiping the tears away.
Kerass reached out to touch her, to stroke her cheek. He feared she might be translucent. If you formed out of a leaf, well, nothing about this place surprised him anymore. Yet his thumb came in contact with skin. She was really there. He exhaled tearing up as he beheld her beauty.
“You’ve never been more beautiful,” he told her.
“You can hug me if you want. There’s nothing for you to fear here. I’m not going anywhere.”
Gently, his arms wrapped around her as he kissed her cheek. He squeezed her tighter when he felt her close to him again. He never thought he would see her again. No, he never wanted to let her go. Now he knew this was where he belonged. He didn’t belong below on Earth. This place, wherever it was, was where he belonged. He never doubted it to be true.
“Is red your natural hair color?” he asked her as he finally let her go from his grasp.
“Yes, indeed. I was born as a red head,” she said avoiding eye contact.
“What’s wrong? Did I say something I shouldn’t have?”
“No, it’s just that, well…” she trailed off. “We don’t have much time and there’s something we need to discuss.”
“We have forever up here, but if it means that much to you, please say what you have to say.”
Locking eyes with him, he felt she could read his mind. “Forever isn’t soon enough between us, but you don’t realize how close you were to not being here with me.”
“What are you talking about?” Kerass asked, unable to stop himself from interrupting her.
“You nearly died, Kerass. You need to make a decision and not for me or anyone else, but for yourself. Yet if you want to see me again, you’ll have to choose to follow Him,” she replied emphasizing the last word.
“You mean we’re in heaven now?” he asked. He didn’t think they were, but he’d believe anything she told him.
She shook her head.
“You’re saying I need to follow Jesus to get back to you?”
“No, Kerass, you misunderstand me. I want you to get back to Him. I would be nothing more than a sister to you. He’s a much better prize than me anyway.”
“Will you look the same in heaven?”
Again she shook her head. “This place doesn’t exist. This is all inside your head.”
“You’re saying you’re not real?”
“I died, Kerass. I’m not here. I’m in heaven now, worshiping Jesus now. I believe you will see me again. You will make the right decision.”
“Why should I?” he asked. “If you don’t really exist and this is all in my head, well then why would I make a commitment to you, to God. I mean,” he ran his hands through his hair exhaling, “I just don’t know if any of it’s real. Would I really see you again?”
“Yes,” she said, “but there’s someone else who wants to convince you, too.” She pointed behind him.
Kerass burst into tears. “Mom!” he screamed. Running towards her, he leaped into her embrace.
Cadence signed the note. That was it. There was nothing else for her to do. This was the only way she knew how to solve her problems. Admitting them didn’t help anyone. She was more alone than ever. There was only one way to end the pain. Stepping into the bathroom, she locked the door behind her. Pulling out a straight razor from her pocket, she paused for a second, taking a deep breath before she slit her left wrist.
Jeremy pulled into the hospital parking lot. Right outside the main entrance stood Jordan. He shook his head as he got out of the car and walked over to him.
“What do you think you’re doing here, Jordan?” Jeremy challenged. “Did you really think he’d want to see you, even if he were awake?”
“I didn’t mean it. I didn’t know what I was doing. You know that! You know me!” Jordan replied wildly.
“I know and I know she tried to stop him from coming into the room with you, but now is not the time to have that conversation.”
“He needs to know what I suffer from. I have to explain it to him.”
“I agree 100%, but I think it needs to come from someone other than you. Think about it. If you were in his shoes would you want him to explain it to you or for a mutual friend to prep you first?”
Jordan just sighed, placing his head in his hands as he sobbed. “I’ve ruined everything,” he said amidst his tears.
“Go home, Jordan. He may yet forgive you.”
Kerass cried into his mother’s shoulder. “Now I know I never want to wake up. How is this possible, Mom? He took you away from me.”
“No one will take you away from me again,” she reassured him kissing his forehead. “Oh, my sweet, sensitive, compassionate son. How I wish I could’ve been there to celebrate who God made you to be, to encourage you that those things are a gift. You’ve hidden them inside yourself for far too long out of a fear of man.”
“I’m not ashamed to cry,” he replied as she wiped the tears off his face, “never in front of you.”
“Oh, my wonderful boy, what a gift from God you are.”
“You’re the reason I’m the man I am,” he assured her.
“Please, son. I want to be with you again. Please commit to God. It is the only way we’ll ever truly be reunited.”
“I’ve wanted to,” he admitted to her, “but I’m afraid.” He continued questioning whether God would take him back. “I ran away from God the day of your funeral.”
“I know you did. How that broke my heart, but I knew you would come back. He’s waiting for you. He wants nothing more than for you to return to Him. Trust me, my son. I do not lie to you.”
One arm went around his mother’s shoulders, while another hand locked hands with Lyra. “The two most important women in my life want the same thing.”
“Well, we’ve met before, Kerass,” Lyra interjected.
“Yes,” his mother replied beaming.
“Please, please make the right choice,” Lyra said.
“Oh, and Kerass,” his mother added, “don’t tell anyone else about this dream. Let it stay between the four of us.”
“The four?” Kerass questioned.
Cadence’s mother screamed when she finished reading the note. Her precious, broken daughter wrote a suicide note. She pounded on the bathroom door, breaking it down only to see the pool of blood on the floor enveloping Cadence.
Looking at his mother and Lyra, tears welled up in his eyes. He didn’t know it was possible to cry this much. He didn’t want to go.
“It’s time for you to wake up, Kerass,” his mother told him.
“Please when will I see you again?” he desperately asked.
“Soon,” Lyra replied.
“When is soon?”
“Anytime is soon, my son,” the voice of a man replied to his question.
“Please wake up, Kerass,” Lyra said.
The clouds dispersed. He was in darkness now. A bright, shining white light felt like it was burning through his eyelids.
“Please wake up, Kerass,” Lyra said again. No, no, Kerass corrected himself. That wasn’t Lyra’s voice. That was undeniably Jay. His stomach rhythmically breathing up and down, up and down soothed him, calming him down. He now felt the bed underneath him. He was in the hospital. The last thing he remembered on Earth was being choked by Jordan. Yet he had just seen the love of his life and his mother and spoken with them. He would never forget this dream as long as he lived.
He opened his eyes.
Taking a deep breath, he put his head back on the cloud underneath him completely relaxing as his stomach rhythmically rose up and down, up and down while he breathed. This was glorious. This was wonderful. Nothing could take away his peace from this moment.
The wind picked up, leaves were dancing around him landing on the clouds. He didn’t realize leaves went up this high. But wait…this wasn’t real. This was just a dream, a marvelous dream that he didn’t want to wake from.
The next gush of wind brought even more colorful leaves up toward him, instinctively, he stood up. Amazed that he was standing, walking on the clouds, he ran. He chased after the leaves attempting to catch one in his hand.
The red one danced above him, he stretched, but it just barely left his grasp. He jumped and realized he wasn’t coming down. Gravity didn’t exist here, wherever here was. He was flying. He soared stroking his arms to reach higher and higher heights. Reaching out his hand, he stretched, his arm extended extraordinarily enough. His fingers closed. The red leaf was in his hand. Smiling, he was content that he had captured this beautiful remnant of nature below, a nature he could no longer see. His arm retracted to normal length. All of a sudden, he felt gravity’s pull. He was no longer flying, he was falling. He screamed as he gained speed coming faster and faster to the clouds. He just knew they would no longer hold him, but then the clouds gently held him, bouncing him up and down like a trampoline as gravity’s pull battled for control over him.
He felt safe here. He never wanted to leave this place. This space where no one bothered him and all his problems vanished instantly. Holding the dark-red leaf in front of him, he examined the veins, running his index finger over them. It soothed him and inexplicably he felt he had held this leaf before.
A gust of wind startled him. The leaf broke free. He tried to get up, but he felt exhausted and just laid there watching it float away, yet something happened. It didn’t maintain its shape. The ridges of the leaf extended downward, flowing in the wind. It looked like red hair, long, flowing, strikingly red hair. Out from the hair, the body followed clothed in brilliant, majestic white robes. He knew this woman, yet he didn’t know why. She walked away from him, not turning back to see if he was following. He broke free from the grip that held him down and followed the red-haired woman.
After he had followed her for a time, she turned around to face him. Who he saw floored him. He couldn’t even speak.
“I’m glad you followed, Kerass,” she said, one eyebrow raised mischievously.
“Your hair is beautiful,” he replied. He added that there was never a time when her hair wasn’t stunningly beautiful.
“Thanks,” she added.
“I can’t believe you’re here,” he exhaled, “Lyra.”
Jay held Kerass’s hand, sitting beside him while he lay in a coma on the hospital bed. A tear slowly crawled down his face. How had he let Kerass get so far away from him? They were roommates. They had been best friends for years. They should be so much closer than they were, but that could change.
“I won’t let you go,” Jay reassured him. “I know you can hear me. I’ll come and visit you weekly until you come back to me.” He added that there was so much that he wanted to tell him. “So much to catch you up on.”
A hand gently grasped his shoulder, causing him to jolt with fright. Gus was looking down at him. He jumped up flinging Gus’s hand off his shoulder.
“Get the hell away from me,” Jay spat at him.
“Why? What’d I do?” Gus asked flabbergasted.
“You think I don’t know? I’m not stupid, Gus. I can read between the lines. You’ve taken Damien away from me.”
“That’s not exactly what happened,” Gus sheepishly defended himself.
“Well, why don’t you explain yourself?” Jay challenged. He continued poking saying he might be too cowardly to face the truth.
“Hey!” he yelled at him. “I’m not exactly innocent, I’ll give you that, but I am not fully to blame either and if you can’t see that, that’s not my fault.”
“Bullshit. You stole him away from me.”
“This isn’t the right time or place to talk about this,” Gus replied under his breath.
“Agreed. I don’t want you or his cheating hands anywhere near my best friend. You can leave now.”
“No, see I can’t. Damien’s coming to visit Kerass, too. You may want to reevaluate your friendship with him. He claimed me to be his best friend during high school graduation.”
“He did not,” Jay uttered back, choking on tears.
“Yeah, he did. See, I was there for him when you were off doing who knows what the hell you were doing. When you started dating Damien you pushed him away and that distance only grew over the years. You have no one to blame but yourself for that.”
Jay tried to glare at him, but he knew it wasn’t intimidating at all, because he was still crying profusely. “Why do you have to be so cruel?” he asked under his breath.
“I’m sorry. I’m just calling it like I see it. Can we both let our grievances go to come alongside Kerass in his time of need?”
“I’ll try,” Jay responded wiping the tears away.
Kerass reached out to touch her, to stroke her cheek. He feared she might be translucent. If you formed out of a leaf, well, nothing about this place surprised him anymore. Yet his thumb came in contact with skin. She was really there. He exhaled tearing up as he beheld her beauty.
“You’ve never been more beautiful,” he told her.
“You can hug me if you want. There’s nothing for you to fear here. I’m not going anywhere.”
Gently, his arms wrapped around her as he kissed her cheek. He squeezed her tighter when he felt her close to him again. He never thought he would see her again. No, he never wanted to let her go. Now he knew this was where he belonged. He didn’t belong below on Earth. This place, wherever it was, was where he belonged. He never doubted it to be true.
“Is red your natural hair color?” he asked her as he finally let her go from his grasp.
“Yes, indeed. I was born as a red head,” she said avoiding eye contact.
“What’s wrong? Did I say something I shouldn’t have?”
“No, it’s just that, well…” she trailed off. “We don’t have much time and there’s something we need to discuss.”
“We have forever up here, but if it means that much to you, please say what you have to say.”
Locking eyes with him, he felt she could read his mind. “Forever isn’t soon enough between us, but you don’t realize how close you were to not being here with me.”
“What are you talking about?” Kerass asked, unable to stop himself from interrupting her.
“You nearly died, Kerass. You need to make a decision and not for me or anyone else, but for yourself. Yet if you want to see me again, you’ll have to choose to follow Him,” she replied emphasizing the last word.
“You mean we’re in heaven now?” he asked. He didn’t think they were, but he’d believe anything she told him.
She shook her head.
“You’re saying I need to follow Jesus to get back to you?”
“No, Kerass, you misunderstand me. I want you to get back to Him. I would be nothing more than a sister to you. He’s a much better prize than me anyway.”
“Will you look the same in heaven?”
Again she shook her head. “This place doesn’t exist. This is all inside your head.”
“You’re saying you’re not real?”
“I died, Kerass. I’m not here. I’m in heaven now, worshiping Jesus now. I believe you will see me again. You will make the right decision.”
“Why should I?” he asked. “If you don’t really exist and this is all in my head, well then why would I make a commitment to you, to God. I mean,” he ran his hands through his hair exhaling, “I just don’t know if any of it’s real. Would I really see you again?”
“Yes,” she said, “but there’s someone else who wants to convince you, too.” She pointed behind him.
Kerass burst into tears. “Mom!” he screamed. Running towards her, he leaped into her embrace.
Cadence signed the note. That was it. There was nothing else for her to do. This was the only way she knew how to solve her problems. Admitting them didn’t help anyone. She was more alone than ever. There was only one way to end the pain. Stepping into the bathroom, she locked the door behind her. Pulling out a straight razor from her pocket, she paused for a second, taking a deep breath before she slit her left wrist.
Jeremy pulled into the hospital parking lot. Right outside the main entrance stood Jordan. He shook his head as he got out of the car and walked over to him.
“What do you think you’re doing here, Jordan?” Jeremy challenged. “Did you really think he’d want to see you, even if he were awake?”
“I didn’t mean it. I didn’t know what I was doing. You know that! You know me!” Jordan replied wildly.
“I know and I know she tried to stop him from coming into the room with you, but now is not the time to have that conversation.”
“He needs to know what I suffer from. I have to explain it to him.”
“I agree 100%, but I think it needs to come from someone other than you. Think about it. If you were in his shoes would you want him to explain it to you or for a mutual friend to prep you first?”
Jordan just sighed, placing his head in his hands as he sobbed. “I’ve ruined everything,” he said amidst his tears.
“Go home, Jordan. He may yet forgive you.”
Kerass cried into his mother’s shoulder. “Now I know I never want to wake up. How is this possible, Mom? He took you away from me.”
“No one will take you away from me again,” she reassured him kissing his forehead. “Oh, my sweet, sensitive, compassionate son. How I wish I could’ve been there to celebrate who God made you to be, to encourage you that those things are a gift. You’ve hidden them inside yourself for far too long out of a fear of man.”
“I’m not ashamed to cry,” he replied as she wiped the tears off his face, “never in front of you.”
“Oh, my wonderful boy, what a gift from God you are.”
“You’re the reason I’m the man I am,” he assured her.
“Please, son. I want to be with you again. Please commit to God. It is the only way we’ll ever truly be reunited.”
“I’ve wanted to,” he admitted to her, “but I’m afraid.” He continued questioning whether God would take him back. “I ran away from God the day of your funeral.”
“I know you did. How that broke my heart, but I knew you would come back. He’s waiting for you. He wants nothing more than for you to return to Him. Trust me, my son. I do not lie to you.”
One arm went around his mother’s shoulders, while another hand locked hands with Lyra. “The two most important women in my life want the same thing.”
“Well, we’ve met before, Kerass,” Lyra interjected.
“Yes,” his mother replied beaming.
“Please, please make the right choice,” Lyra said.
“Oh, and Kerass,” his mother added, “don’t tell anyone else about this dream. Let it stay between the four of us.”
“The four?” Kerass questioned.
Cadence’s mother screamed when she finished reading the note. Her precious, broken daughter wrote a suicide note. She pounded on the bathroom door, breaking it down only to see the pool of blood on the floor enveloping Cadence.
Looking at his mother and Lyra, tears welled up in his eyes. He didn’t know it was possible to cry this much. He didn’t want to go.
“It’s time for you to wake up, Kerass,” his mother told him.
“Please when will I see you again?” he desperately asked.
“Soon,” Lyra replied.
“When is soon?”
“Anytime is soon, my son,” the voice of a man replied to his question.
“Please wake up, Kerass,” Lyra said.
The clouds dispersed. He was in darkness now. A bright, shining white light felt like it was burning through his eyelids.
“Please wake up, Kerass,” Lyra said again. No, no, Kerass corrected himself. That wasn’t Lyra’s voice. That was undeniably Jay. His stomach rhythmically breathing up and down, up and down soothed him, calming him down. He now felt the bed underneath him. He was in the hospital. The last thing he remembered on Earth was being choked by Jordan. Yet he had just seen the love of his life and his mother and spoken with them. He would never forget this dream as long as he lived.
He opened his eyes.
Sunday, July 15, 2018
Fallen Leaves - Chapter 56: Act My Age
Everything had changed. Now there was no one she felt she could trust. Cadence couldn’t believe what Damien had done. He was cheating on Jay. It was obvious. There was no other way of putting it. Upon thinking it over, she knew she’d told Kerass she would visit him and tell him, but Kerass, well, she didn’t think he could handle this.
The wind picked up shaking the frame of the car. Rolling the window up, she knew she should just leave. He wouldn’t listen to her anyway, but when she saw him walking on campus several yards away, she couldn’t force herself to sit still. Their friendship owed him that much. She wasn’t even 100% sure that Jay was still his boyfriend. She truly had been out of the loop for well over a year by now.
He noticed her before she came alongside him. His eyebrows raised, he asked her what she was still doing here. “You know I tried to meet up with you later last night, but you never showed. I can’t just force time for you whenever you decide to show up. Even when you so clearly need help.”
“Ouch,” Cadence uttered. “That’s not why I’m here. I don’t want nor need your help. I don’t want help from a cowardly cheater.”
“The hell are you talking about?” Damien asked floored.
“You heard me,” Cadence threatened under her breath. “I saw you. I saw you with Gus.”
Damien’s eyes bugged out, but he didn’t avert eye contact. He opened his mouth to speak, but Cadence marveled that no words slipped out.
“You can’t even deny it, can you?”
“Why should I? That kiss was the most beautiful moment of my life. Two souls connecting as one, screw what everybody else says. That was a natural, amazing moment that should be celebrated, not condemned. Gus is just now realizing that he’s homosexual.”
“You mean bisexual.”
“No, I mean homosexual. He only has eyes for me.”
“What about Jay? How could you do this to him?”
“How do you know that he’s not into polyamorous relationships?”
Cadence exhaled. That did seem like something Jay would totally be into, but there’s no way that Damien would’ve instigated it. “You just said that he only has eyes for you, which clearly goes against the polyamory definition,” she chastised. “He doesn’t know, does he?”
“No, and as far as I’m concerned there’s no reason for him to know.”
“You’re sick, Damien. You’re not the man I thought you were. I thought you were the one, the only one I could trust completely, but how can I if you’re so openly lying to your boyfriend and getting all handsy with my ex.”
“We didn’t get handsy…yet,” Damien replied with a devilish grin.
“I will never see you again,” Cadence whispered darkly. “Trust me, I never break my promises.”
She ran away from him. She didn’t dare listen to hear if he was calling after her. For all she was concerned, he was as dead as her abusive ex.
The student center was vacant apart from the few people who had to work there. Sundays were always dead days for the student center as all the eateries were closed, but if Kerass was completely honest with himself, the student center had been a dead hang out ever since he transferred, but it was Jordan’s favorite place to chill, yet Jordan hadn’t responded to any of his texts, so he just sat there just to get out of his dorm room.
Pulling out his Bible, he decided to take a moment to explore one of the Gospels. He had read Song of Solomon so many times he practically had it memorized. If he wanted more of a relationship with the Lord, which is what his mother and Lyra would’ve wanted, he would have to read some of the New Testament. He would have to read about Jesus.
Opening up to the last third of the pages, he stumbled upon Mark. He knew the story of Jesus backwards and forwards, but did he really, truly, definitively know Jesus? There was only one way to find out. He determined that he would read Mark not to discover the story, but to try and get to know Jesus, who he was, and whether he was worth following, dedicating his whole life to.
The first few verses came back to him instantly. He had read this book numerous times in his childhood. Then the verse introducing John the Baptist gave him pause. It stood out to him like a sour thumb. John the Baptist was preaching about repentance and the forgiveness of sins. He had yet to repent of his anger towards his father. He didn’t think he ever could. He shut the book quickly. No, he wasn’t ready for forgiveness. He never would be. Forgiveness was nothing more than a sign of weakness.
Jay lay on his bed. He felt more depressed than ever. Nothing, no explanation he thought about made any difference. Damien refused to call him back. If Damien truly loved him, he would make him a priority, no questions asked. Something was going on with him. It was inevitable that something was eating away inside of him, he just knew it. If only Damien would let him in. He wanted to talk about it with Kerass, but he never spent any time in the room anymore. He called Gil out of sheer frustration, but it went straight to voicemail. He felt guilty that he never followed through with meeting Gil’s boyfriend, but if he couldn’t answer his phone, he was no better than Damien.
Quickly deciding that he should call Gus, he bet inside his head that Gus’s phone was off too. Yet it started to ring. Perhaps there was still hope yet. Gus picked up after the second ring.
“Jay, my buddy,” Gus said. “It’s so great to hear from you. What’s going on?”
Jay replied that not much was happening with him. “No,” he shook his head. “That’s a lie. I just lied to you. Do you have a free moment? I really need to talk through something. It’s important.”
“Meet me in the student center in 30 minutes.”
“It’s pouring outside,” Jay observed deadpan.
“Hence the half hour wait.”
“Fine, 30 minutes on the button,” Jay replied hanging up on him. He looked out the window. The thunder shook his dorm room. He couldn’t see 5 feet from his window, but he felt he was dying just sitting in his room. He had to act. He would leave now. He’d be dry before Gus even arrived.
Cadence dialed Kerass’s number as she drove on the highway back to her mother’s. She told her mother that she was going to visit an old high school friend and her mother was beyond thrilled that she was getting out of the house that she neglected to ask when she would return.
The phone didn’t even ring before it went straight to voicemail. It was so Kerass. He was always one to live in the moment. She only had a moment before she could figure out what she wanted to say.
When the beep filled her ear, she paused for the briefest moment before she spoke. “Kerass, I, uh, I have to tell you something. I know we’ve both suffered from abusive relationships in the past year, yours was verbally abusive and well mine was physical. See, I know you’ve seen the news reports when you’ve visited Oak Stream. I did it. I shot my ex. I killed him,” she paused shaking, tears forming around her eyes. “I murdered my ex, Kerass. I just wanted you to know that. This is goodbye,” she breathed before she hung up the phone. The pain would end. It would all be over soon.
The lights flickered in the student center. Rain started dribbling down the windows, increasing as the wind rose. The rain started to pour. The door opened spraying water inside. Gus stood on the mat wiping his feet, his entire body soaked through. Jay motioned him over to his table. Gus beamed at him as he sat down.
“I guess I underestimated how much it would rain today. What’s going on?” Gus asked.
Jay couldn’t contain his feelings anymore. “I think something’s going on with Damien,” he blurted out.
“What makes you say that?” Gus asked awkwardly. “Just out of curiosity, do you have any proof?”
“Well, he hasn’t returned any of my calls for over two weeks for one thing.”
“That’s not exactly iron-clad proof. Do you have any reason to believe that he’s not faithful to you?”
“Who said anything about him cheating? Why are you getting so defensive about this?”
“Because…I mean, he’s a good friend. I just don’t like people talking shit about him. Why don’t you act your age for once?”
“Act my age!” Jay stood up yelling at Gus. He added that he wasn’t talking bad about Damien. Sitting back down he said, “Something is going on with him and I don’t have any proof, but he’s never been this distant before and I’m worried about him. That’s the truth.”
“There’s nothing to be worried about, Jay, not about him at least.”
“How would you know?”
“Because I talk to him, a lot actually.”
“He talks with you?” Jay asked floored. “When?” he demanded. “When was the last time you spoke with him?”
“This morning.”
Jay stood up and left without a word, fuming, not giving a damn that he was about to get drenched.
Kerass sat at his desk in his dorm room. His phone lay beside his laptop. Turning it on, he was instantly notified that he had a missed call and a voicemail. He really didn’t want to deal with it at the moment, but he knew he had to when he saw Cadence’s name attached to the call.
He called her back immediately, but it went straight to voicemail. Taking a deep breath, he played the message on speaker. His heart stopped. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Cadence was the most caring girl in the world apart from Lyra. She was the only one who saw him for who he truly was way back when they were freshmen together at Oak Stream High. How did she get to a place where she committed murder? It didn’t make any sense. Yet the memories of how terrible he felt when he dated Jez flooded his mind. He felt he could commit murder too, but it was fleeting, never a truly serious consideration. She had actually done it. When he heard that the message was goodbye, he felt utterly gutted. He would have to call her mother. He feared for her very sanity, but a shriek from the room above him caught him off guard.
Someone had screamed out ‘what’ at the top of their lungs. It was a voice he recognized. Jordan. He bolted out of his dorm room, slamming the door shut behind him as he raced up the steps to the second floor. Something was terribly wrong. Someone stopped him, a girl forcibly held his arms to his side warning him not to go in there.
“He’s my friend, I have to help him!” Kerass yelled at her, wrenching her hands off his arms.
“Keep away from me!” Jordan screeched as Kerass entered the room.
“What? Why, Jordan? I’m here to help you,” Kerass replied.
The girl rushed into the room trying to pull Kerass back, but it was too late. Jordan dashed up to Kerass, both hands firmly gripped around his throat. He felt his life slowly slip away. He thought of nothing other than the passage in Mark and forgiveness before everything faded to black.
The wind picked up shaking the frame of the car. Rolling the window up, she knew she should just leave. He wouldn’t listen to her anyway, but when she saw him walking on campus several yards away, she couldn’t force herself to sit still. Their friendship owed him that much. She wasn’t even 100% sure that Jay was still his boyfriend. She truly had been out of the loop for well over a year by now.
He noticed her before she came alongside him. His eyebrows raised, he asked her what she was still doing here. “You know I tried to meet up with you later last night, but you never showed. I can’t just force time for you whenever you decide to show up. Even when you so clearly need help.”
“Ouch,” Cadence uttered. “That’s not why I’m here. I don’t want nor need your help. I don’t want help from a cowardly cheater.”
“The hell are you talking about?” Damien asked floored.
“You heard me,” Cadence threatened under her breath. “I saw you. I saw you with Gus.”
Damien’s eyes bugged out, but he didn’t avert eye contact. He opened his mouth to speak, but Cadence marveled that no words slipped out.
“You can’t even deny it, can you?”
“Why should I? That kiss was the most beautiful moment of my life. Two souls connecting as one, screw what everybody else says. That was a natural, amazing moment that should be celebrated, not condemned. Gus is just now realizing that he’s homosexual.”
“You mean bisexual.”
“No, I mean homosexual. He only has eyes for me.”
“What about Jay? How could you do this to him?”
“How do you know that he’s not into polyamorous relationships?”
Cadence exhaled. That did seem like something Jay would totally be into, but there’s no way that Damien would’ve instigated it. “You just said that he only has eyes for you, which clearly goes against the polyamory definition,” she chastised. “He doesn’t know, does he?”
“No, and as far as I’m concerned there’s no reason for him to know.”
“You’re sick, Damien. You’re not the man I thought you were. I thought you were the one, the only one I could trust completely, but how can I if you’re so openly lying to your boyfriend and getting all handsy with my ex.”
“We didn’t get handsy…yet,” Damien replied with a devilish grin.
“I will never see you again,” Cadence whispered darkly. “Trust me, I never break my promises.”
She ran away from him. She didn’t dare listen to hear if he was calling after her. For all she was concerned, he was as dead as her abusive ex.
The student center was vacant apart from the few people who had to work there. Sundays were always dead days for the student center as all the eateries were closed, but if Kerass was completely honest with himself, the student center had been a dead hang out ever since he transferred, but it was Jordan’s favorite place to chill, yet Jordan hadn’t responded to any of his texts, so he just sat there just to get out of his dorm room.
Pulling out his Bible, he decided to take a moment to explore one of the Gospels. He had read Song of Solomon so many times he practically had it memorized. If he wanted more of a relationship with the Lord, which is what his mother and Lyra would’ve wanted, he would have to read some of the New Testament. He would have to read about Jesus.
Opening up to the last third of the pages, he stumbled upon Mark. He knew the story of Jesus backwards and forwards, but did he really, truly, definitively know Jesus? There was only one way to find out. He determined that he would read Mark not to discover the story, but to try and get to know Jesus, who he was, and whether he was worth following, dedicating his whole life to.
The first few verses came back to him instantly. He had read this book numerous times in his childhood. Then the verse introducing John the Baptist gave him pause. It stood out to him like a sour thumb. John the Baptist was preaching about repentance and the forgiveness of sins. He had yet to repent of his anger towards his father. He didn’t think he ever could. He shut the book quickly. No, he wasn’t ready for forgiveness. He never would be. Forgiveness was nothing more than a sign of weakness.
Jay lay on his bed. He felt more depressed than ever. Nothing, no explanation he thought about made any difference. Damien refused to call him back. If Damien truly loved him, he would make him a priority, no questions asked. Something was going on with him. It was inevitable that something was eating away inside of him, he just knew it. If only Damien would let him in. He wanted to talk about it with Kerass, but he never spent any time in the room anymore. He called Gil out of sheer frustration, but it went straight to voicemail. He felt guilty that he never followed through with meeting Gil’s boyfriend, but if he couldn’t answer his phone, he was no better than Damien.
Quickly deciding that he should call Gus, he bet inside his head that Gus’s phone was off too. Yet it started to ring. Perhaps there was still hope yet. Gus picked up after the second ring.
“Jay, my buddy,” Gus said. “It’s so great to hear from you. What’s going on?”
Jay replied that not much was happening with him. “No,” he shook his head. “That’s a lie. I just lied to you. Do you have a free moment? I really need to talk through something. It’s important.”
“Meet me in the student center in 30 minutes.”
“It’s pouring outside,” Jay observed deadpan.
“Hence the half hour wait.”
“Fine, 30 minutes on the button,” Jay replied hanging up on him. He looked out the window. The thunder shook his dorm room. He couldn’t see 5 feet from his window, but he felt he was dying just sitting in his room. He had to act. He would leave now. He’d be dry before Gus even arrived.
Cadence dialed Kerass’s number as she drove on the highway back to her mother’s. She told her mother that she was going to visit an old high school friend and her mother was beyond thrilled that she was getting out of the house that she neglected to ask when she would return.
The phone didn’t even ring before it went straight to voicemail. It was so Kerass. He was always one to live in the moment. She only had a moment before she could figure out what she wanted to say.
When the beep filled her ear, she paused for the briefest moment before she spoke. “Kerass, I, uh, I have to tell you something. I know we’ve both suffered from abusive relationships in the past year, yours was verbally abusive and well mine was physical. See, I know you’ve seen the news reports when you’ve visited Oak Stream. I did it. I shot my ex. I killed him,” she paused shaking, tears forming around her eyes. “I murdered my ex, Kerass. I just wanted you to know that. This is goodbye,” she breathed before she hung up the phone. The pain would end. It would all be over soon.
The lights flickered in the student center. Rain started dribbling down the windows, increasing as the wind rose. The rain started to pour. The door opened spraying water inside. Gus stood on the mat wiping his feet, his entire body soaked through. Jay motioned him over to his table. Gus beamed at him as he sat down.
“I guess I underestimated how much it would rain today. What’s going on?” Gus asked.
Jay couldn’t contain his feelings anymore. “I think something’s going on with Damien,” he blurted out.
“What makes you say that?” Gus asked awkwardly. “Just out of curiosity, do you have any proof?”
“Well, he hasn’t returned any of my calls for over two weeks for one thing.”
“That’s not exactly iron-clad proof. Do you have any reason to believe that he’s not faithful to you?”
“Who said anything about him cheating? Why are you getting so defensive about this?”
“Because…I mean, he’s a good friend. I just don’t like people talking shit about him. Why don’t you act your age for once?”
“Act my age!” Jay stood up yelling at Gus. He added that he wasn’t talking bad about Damien. Sitting back down he said, “Something is going on with him and I don’t have any proof, but he’s never been this distant before and I’m worried about him. That’s the truth.”
“There’s nothing to be worried about, Jay, not about him at least.”
“How would you know?”
“Because I talk to him, a lot actually.”
“He talks with you?” Jay asked floored. “When?” he demanded. “When was the last time you spoke with him?”
“This morning.”
Jay stood up and left without a word, fuming, not giving a damn that he was about to get drenched.
Kerass sat at his desk in his dorm room. His phone lay beside his laptop. Turning it on, he was instantly notified that he had a missed call and a voicemail. He really didn’t want to deal with it at the moment, but he knew he had to when he saw Cadence’s name attached to the call.
He called her back immediately, but it went straight to voicemail. Taking a deep breath, he played the message on speaker. His heart stopped. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Cadence was the most caring girl in the world apart from Lyra. She was the only one who saw him for who he truly was way back when they were freshmen together at Oak Stream High. How did she get to a place where she committed murder? It didn’t make any sense. Yet the memories of how terrible he felt when he dated Jez flooded his mind. He felt he could commit murder too, but it was fleeting, never a truly serious consideration. She had actually done it. When he heard that the message was goodbye, he felt utterly gutted. He would have to call her mother. He feared for her very sanity, but a shriek from the room above him caught him off guard.
Someone had screamed out ‘what’ at the top of their lungs. It was a voice he recognized. Jordan. He bolted out of his dorm room, slamming the door shut behind him as he raced up the steps to the second floor. Something was terribly wrong. Someone stopped him, a girl forcibly held his arms to his side warning him not to go in there.
“He’s my friend, I have to help him!” Kerass yelled at her, wrenching her hands off his arms.
“Keep away from me!” Jordan screeched as Kerass entered the room.
“What? Why, Jordan? I’m here to help you,” Kerass replied.
The girl rushed into the room trying to pull Kerass back, but it was too late. Jordan dashed up to Kerass, both hands firmly gripped around his throat. He felt his life slowly slip away. He thought of nothing other than the passage in Mark and forgiveness before everything faded to black.
Sunday, July 8, 2018
Fallen Leaves - Chapter 55: Kiss You
Damien froze. His heart started pounded. He tried to exhale, to breathe, but he just held his breath in shock. This wasn’t real. This couldn’t be happening. There was no way this was true.
“You,” he paused stuttering, “you what?” he asked incredulously.
“Don’t make me repeat myself,” Cadence replied.
Damien placed his hands on his temples, rubbing them to try and calm his mind. “Who was it?” He added that he needed to know.
“An old abusive boyfriend.”
“Wait,” he held up his index finger perplexed, “you two weren’t together at this point?”
“No,” she inhaled, “not by the point of his death.”
“His murder,” he chastised, “you mean.”
“You don’t understand, Damien. He hurt me like nobody did. I will forever be broken by what he did to me but I can’t say I fully regret my decision.”
“How’d you do it?” he whispered.
“A bullet. I shot him in the head.”
“Why’d you do it?”
“I couldn’t let him hurt me or anyone else ever again.”
“Did he want to get back together with you? Was he forcing himself on you? Is that why you pulled the trigger?”
“No,” Cadence breathed. “He thought it would be a bad idea for us to live together again, but I, I only had intentions of killing him, exacting revenge in the cruelest way possible to make him feel what he did to me.”
“I don’t believe this,” he uttered under his breath. “You committed pre-meditated murder. He didn’t attack you. This was no form of self-defense. It was just cold-hearted murder and you don’t feel one ounce of shame.”
“No,” she replied defiantly. “I feel nothing,” she paused, “nothing but pride.”
Kerass shouted across the quad when he saw Jordan. It looked like it took a moment for Jordan to register who was calling out to him, but he gave Kerass the biggest smile when he jogged across the quad over to greet him.
“I didn’t think I would see today,” Jordan said jovially. “Somehow our paths keep crossing, not that I’m complaining or anything.”
“I can’t explain it.”
“I think I can,” Jordan said. He gestured towards the bench asking him if he’d like to sit down.
“Enlighten me,” Kerass said unable to prevent himself from grinning.
“Interesting choice of words, buddy,” Jordan replied running his hand over his shaved head. “See, God’s placed us in each other’s lives for a reason. We keep crossing paths together because we’ve got things to teach each other.”
“You really believe that, don’t you?”
“100 percent,” Jordan replied with confidence.
“I don’t know if I can get on board with that.”
“Why not? You don’t think we can learn things from each other?”
“I think I could learn things from you, definitely,” Kerass replied encouragingly. “Just seeing as I’m not a believer, I don’t think there’s anything you can learn from me.”
“Oh, no, Kerass, that’s not true. I think I’ve already learned from you.”
“Don’t bullshit me. I can’t stand when people are fake-nice. It’s so infuriating because it doesn’t help anybody. Lying to me isn’t going to help anybody.”
“No, I’m not lying to you. It’s true, you have taught me something.”
“Can you provide an example?” Kerass spat back. He was beyond frustrated. So many people talked out of their asses to save face.
Jordan nodded. “You carry the Bible with you wherever you go. You view His word as the primary source of truth regarding God, yet you’re still sensitive and compassionate to Jay.”
“You’ve met Jay?”
“Yeah, Jeremy had me meet him. When he told me that you two were rooming together I was quite stunned.”
“Why?”
Jordan smiled. “You’re deeply opinionated and passionate. I didn’t think you’d be able to talk with someone like Jay without being judgemental, but see, Kerass, you give everyone respect and the space to go on their own journeys. You don’t back down on what you think. I’m not as bold as you. You’ve taught me to be more honest and vulnerable and I thank you profusely for that.”
Kerass was floored. It was the nicest thing anyone had ever said to him. It seemed like a stretch that Jordan could pick up on that with just a month of running into each other circumstantially. Was Jordan truly that perceptive or was he just trying to save face?
“How do you know all this about me?”
“The Lord drew me to you, of that I’m certain, and I’m grateful that He did. He’s revealed it, but just watching you interact with others from afar, how could I not notice? You’re a sensitive guy, Kerass.”
“I’m not sensitive, I’m just…” he paused unable to think of what to say, “broken,” he finally added the word after an uncomfortably long silence.
“Well, that’s true enough. That’s true of everyone, but you are sensitive even if you don’t see it yet and that’s something to be celebrated. It’s a beautiful gift from above.”
“Why are you building me up? I thought we were going to talk about God. I thought that’s why we were drawn to each other because we’re both willing to talk about God.”
“Yes, absolutely, but I also want to speak into your life and encourage you because you lack so much self-confidence. Remember 1 Thessalonians 5:11: Therefore encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing. You need love so much right now, yet you push it away and get embarrassed when people give you love openly."
“I’m sorry, Jordan. I guess I’m just self-conscious right now about it. People, they just, they don’t want to stand beside me.”
“Do you even hear youself?” Jordan asked perplexed. “What do you think I’m doing right now? Why do you keep pushing me away?”
“Because I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to love again,” Kerass replied choking on tears which flowed effortlessly down his face. “That includes friendship,” he said wiping his tears away.
“I was right all along. You are sensitive and it’s a beautiful gift, yet you just don’t it yet.”
“Will you help me to see it?” Kerass pleaded.
“You don’t even have to ask,” Jordan smiled patting Kerass on the back.
Damien held Gus’s hand stroking it with his thumb. He told him Gus he was sorry he was away all morning. “I’ve been thinking about you, about us, though.”
“I don’t know if I can give you what you want from me,” Gus replied letting go of Damien’s hand.
“You’re gay, Gus. You know it to be true. You wouldn’t have come out all this way to talk with me if you weren’t interested in exploring it.”
“It’s not that simple!” Gus yelled back at Damien. “You knew you were gay so much earlier than I did and I’m not even sure if that’s fully true. I know I feel drawn to you, but it’s just too complicated.”
“What’s so complicated about it?” Damien asked gently. “I feel drawn to you, too. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. We could be amazing together.”
“What about Jay?”
“What about him?” Damien replied nonchalantly.
“He’s my friend and he’s your boyfriend. We can’t just betray him like this,” he paused as Damien stroked his face, “ca-, can we?”
“I think you already know the answer to that,” Damien whispered in his ear.
“No!” Gus shoved him away. “This isn’t right, Damien. You and I will both regret this if we push it any further. It’s already gone on long enough. Yes, I want to be with you, but as long as I’m friends with Jay and you’re dating him, we just can’t do this.”
“You wouldn’t say that if we kissed. You’d feel the connection, see the passion between us. It’d be undeniable.”
“Kiss you?” Gus asked flabbergasted. “That’s a load,” he reprimanded. “Nothing would change if we just kissed.”
“Oh, yeah?”
“Yeah!” Gus replied defiantly. “I am not as confident in my sexuality as you want me to be. So stop manipulating me to give you what you want.”
“It’s what you want too!” Damien challenged. “Why are you still standing here if you don’t want me to pursue you? If that’s truly what you want just walk away right now.”
After an elongated pause, Gus replied, “I am not gay enough for you.”
“Prove it,” Damien said.
Jay lay on his back in his dorm room. He knew he shouldn’t text Damien. What was the point? Damien wouldn’t reply back anyways, yet he couldn’t bring himself to stop. He pulled out his phone and sent a lengthy text message that said that he missed him and that if he didn’t respond that he’d delete his number and officially end their relationship. Pausing for a moment before he sent the text, he chickened out. He deleted the sentences demanding an ultimatum. No, Jay knew he wasn’t ready to let go of Damien again. He never wanted to break up in the first place, yet he couldn’t help fearing that Damien would break up with him anyway.
He jumped up startled when Kerass walked out of the bathroom.
“Why are you being so weird? Did I scare you or something? I’m allowed to use the bathroom in my own dormitory.”
“Of course you are,” Jay replied. “I just didn’t think you were in here. You’re gone so often now.”
“I know, I’m sorry about that,” Kerass exhaled. “It’s nothing personnel. I can’t seem to stop pushing everybody who cares for me away.”
“Why do you think that is?” Jay asked with great trepidation. He continued saying that he didn’t have to answer.
“No, I want to. I’m afraid that if I let people in again that I’ll lose them.”
“You’ll never lose me as a friend, Kerass.”
“No, you don’t get it, Jay,” Kerass replied more to himself than to Jay. “I’m not afraid of losing you as a friend. I’m afraid of losing you period.”
“Explain yourself.”
“With both my mom and with Lyra, I was more vulnerable with them than I was with anybody. They both died. See, Jay, when people get near me they die,” he added shedding tears.
“That’s not true. Why are you believing lies?”
“What else have I got to believe in?” Kerass asked succumbing to his tears, sobbing.
Jay got up and hugged Kerass, who openly wept into his shoulder. It was the most beautiful, most intimate moment he had ever experienced in their long history of friendship. Finally, after all these years, Kerass was being open with him and trusted him with his tears. He swore to himself that he would never betray his trust. He knew he needed Kerass’s friendship a lot more than he needed Damien as a boyfriend.
Cadence knocked on Damien’s dorm room. Waiting for what seemed like an eternity, she determined he must not be in there. She had lied. She wasn’t proud of what she’d done and she spited herself for saying that in the first place, but she couldn’t stop herself. He didn’t provide warmth and comfort, he provided a bitter coldness and self-doubt, but that wasn’t the way she wanted their encounter to end. Finally giving up, she turned the corner and saw the most disturbing image she had ever seen. It would forever be scarred in her brain. Her ex was kissing her ex. Gus was passionately kissing Damien, leaning back in his full embrace.
“You,” he paused stuttering, “you what?” he asked incredulously.
“Don’t make me repeat myself,” Cadence replied.
Damien placed his hands on his temples, rubbing them to try and calm his mind. “Who was it?” He added that he needed to know.
“An old abusive boyfriend.”
“Wait,” he held up his index finger perplexed, “you two weren’t together at this point?”
“No,” she inhaled, “not by the point of his death.”
“His murder,” he chastised, “you mean.”
“You don’t understand, Damien. He hurt me like nobody did. I will forever be broken by what he did to me but I can’t say I fully regret my decision.”
“How’d you do it?” he whispered.
“A bullet. I shot him in the head.”
“Why’d you do it?”
“I couldn’t let him hurt me or anyone else ever again.”
“Did he want to get back together with you? Was he forcing himself on you? Is that why you pulled the trigger?”
“No,” Cadence breathed. “He thought it would be a bad idea for us to live together again, but I, I only had intentions of killing him, exacting revenge in the cruelest way possible to make him feel what he did to me.”
“I don’t believe this,” he uttered under his breath. “You committed pre-meditated murder. He didn’t attack you. This was no form of self-defense. It was just cold-hearted murder and you don’t feel one ounce of shame.”
“No,” she replied defiantly. “I feel nothing,” she paused, “nothing but pride.”
Kerass shouted across the quad when he saw Jordan. It looked like it took a moment for Jordan to register who was calling out to him, but he gave Kerass the biggest smile when he jogged across the quad over to greet him.
“I didn’t think I would see today,” Jordan said jovially. “Somehow our paths keep crossing, not that I’m complaining or anything.”
“I can’t explain it.”
“I think I can,” Jordan said. He gestured towards the bench asking him if he’d like to sit down.
“Enlighten me,” Kerass said unable to prevent himself from grinning.
“Interesting choice of words, buddy,” Jordan replied running his hand over his shaved head. “See, God’s placed us in each other’s lives for a reason. We keep crossing paths together because we’ve got things to teach each other.”
“You really believe that, don’t you?”
“100 percent,” Jordan replied with confidence.
“I don’t know if I can get on board with that.”
“Why not? You don’t think we can learn things from each other?”
“I think I could learn things from you, definitely,” Kerass replied encouragingly. “Just seeing as I’m not a believer, I don’t think there’s anything you can learn from me.”
“Oh, no, Kerass, that’s not true. I think I’ve already learned from you.”
“Don’t bullshit me. I can’t stand when people are fake-nice. It’s so infuriating because it doesn’t help anybody. Lying to me isn’t going to help anybody.”
“No, I’m not lying to you. It’s true, you have taught me something.”
“Can you provide an example?” Kerass spat back. He was beyond frustrated. So many people talked out of their asses to save face.
Jordan nodded. “You carry the Bible with you wherever you go. You view His word as the primary source of truth regarding God, yet you’re still sensitive and compassionate to Jay.”
“You’ve met Jay?”
“Yeah, Jeremy had me meet him. When he told me that you two were rooming together I was quite stunned.”
“Why?”
Jordan smiled. “You’re deeply opinionated and passionate. I didn’t think you’d be able to talk with someone like Jay without being judgemental, but see, Kerass, you give everyone respect and the space to go on their own journeys. You don’t back down on what you think. I’m not as bold as you. You’ve taught me to be more honest and vulnerable and I thank you profusely for that.”
Kerass was floored. It was the nicest thing anyone had ever said to him. It seemed like a stretch that Jordan could pick up on that with just a month of running into each other circumstantially. Was Jordan truly that perceptive or was he just trying to save face?
“How do you know all this about me?”
“The Lord drew me to you, of that I’m certain, and I’m grateful that He did. He’s revealed it, but just watching you interact with others from afar, how could I not notice? You’re a sensitive guy, Kerass.”
“I’m not sensitive, I’m just…” he paused unable to think of what to say, “broken,” he finally added the word after an uncomfortably long silence.
“Well, that’s true enough. That’s true of everyone, but you are sensitive even if you don’t see it yet and that’s something to be celebrated. It’s a beautiful gift from above.”
“Why are you building me up? I thought we were going to talk about God. I thought that’s why we were drawn to each other because we’re both willing to talk about God.”
“Yes, absolutely, but I also want to speak into your life and encourage you because you lack so much self-confidence. Remember 1 Thessalonians 5:11: Therefore encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing. You need love so much right now, yet you push it away and get embarrassed when people give you love openly."
“I’m sorry, Jordan. I guess I’m just self-conscious right now about it. People, they just, they don’t want to stand beside me.”
“Do you even hear youself?” Jordan asked perplexed. “What do you think I’m doing right now? Why do you keep pushing me away?”
“Because I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to love again,” Kerass replied choking on tears which flowed effortlessly down his face. “That includes friendship,” he said wiping his tears away.
“I was right all along. You are sensitive and it’s a beautiful gift, yet you just don’t it yet.”
“Will you help me to see it?” Kerass pleaded.
“You don’t even have to ask,” Jordan smiled patting Kerass on the back.
Damien held Gus’s hand stroking it with his thumb. He told him Gus he was sorry he was away all morning. “I’ve been thinking about you, about us, though.”
“I don’t know if I can give you what you want from me,” Gus replied letting go of Damien’s hand.
“You’re gay, Gus. You know it to be true. You wouldn’t have come out all this way to talk with me if you weren’t interested in exploring it.”
“It’s not that simple!” Gus yelled back at Damien. “You knew you were gay so much earlier than I did and I’m not even sure if that’s fully true. I know I feel drawn to you, but it’s just too complicated.”
“What’s so complicated about it?” Damien asked gently. “I feel drawn to you, too. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. We could be amazing together.”
“What about Jay?”
“What about him?” Damien replied nonchalantly.
“He’s my friend and he’s your boyfriend. We can’t just betray him like this,” he paused as Damien stroked his face, “ca-, can we?”
“I think you already know the answer to that,” Damien whispered in his ear.
“No!” Gus shoved him away. “This isn’t right, Damien. You and I will both regret this if we push it any further. It’s already gone on long enough. Yes, I want to be with you, but as long as I’m friends with Jay and you’re dating him, we just can’t do this.”
“You wouldn’t say that if we kissed. You’d feel the connection, see the passion between us. It’d be undeniable.”
“Kiss you?” Gus asked flabbergasted. “That’s a load,” he reprimanded. “Nothing would change if we just kissed.”
“Oh, yeah?”
“Yeah!” Gus replied defiantly. “I am not as confident in my sexuality as you want me to be. So stop manipulating me to give you what you want.”
“It’s what you want too!” Damien challenged. “Why are you still standing here if you don’t want me to pursue you? If that’s truly what you want just walk away right now.”
After an elongated pause, Gus replied, “I am not gay enough for you.”
“Prove it,” Damien said.
Jay lay on his back in his dorm room. He knew he shouldn’t text Damien. What was the point? Damien wouldn’t reply back anyways, yet he couldn’t bring himself to stop. He pulled out his phone and sent a lengthy text message that said that he missed him and that if he didn’t respond that he’d delete his number and officially end their relationship. Pausing for a moment before he sent the text, he chickened out. He deleted the sentences demanding an ultimatum. No, Jay knew he wasn’t ready to let go of Damien again. He never wanted to break up in the first place, yet he couldn’t help fearing that Damien would break up with him anyway.
He jumped up startled when Kerass walked out of the bathroom.
“Why are you being so weird? Did I scare you or something? I’m allowed to use the bathroom in my own dormitory.”
“Of course you are,” Jay replied. “I just didn’t think you were in here. You’re gone so often now.”
“I know, I’m sorry about that,” Kerass exhaled. “It’s nothing personnel. I can’t seem to stop pushing everybody who cares for me away.”
“Why do you think that is?” Jay asked with great trepidation. He continued saying that he didn’t have to answer.
“No, I want to. I’m afraid that if I let people in again that I’ll lose them.”
“You’ll never lose me as a friend, Kerass.”
“No, you don’t get it, Jay,” Kerass replied more to himself than to Jay. “I’m not afraid of losing you as a friend. I’m afraid of losing you period.”
“Explain yourself.”
“With both my mom and with Lyra, I was more vulnerable with them than I was with anybody. They both died. See, Jay, when people get near me they die,” he added shedding tears.
“That’s not true. Why are you believing lies?”
“What else have I got to believe in?” Kerass asked succumbing to his tears, sobbing.
Jay got up and hugged Kerass, who openly wept into his shoulder. It was the most beautiful, most intimate moment he had ever experienced in their long history of friendship. Finally, after all these years, Kerass was being open with him and trusted him with his tears. He swore to himself that he would never betray his trust. He knew he needed Kerass’s friendship a lot more than he needed Damien as a boyfriend.
Cadence knocked on Damien’s dorm room. Waiting for what seemed like an eternity, she determined he must not be in there. She had lied. She wasn’t proud of what she’d done and she spited herself for saying that in the first place, but she couldn’t stop herself. He didn’t provide warmth and comfort, he provided a bitter coldness and self-doubt, but that wasn’t the way she wanted their encounter to end. Finally giving up, she turned the corner and saw the most disturbing image she had ever seen. It would forever be scarred in her brain. Her ex was kissing her ex. Gus was passionately kissing Damien, leaning back in his full embrace.
Sunday, July 1, 2018
Fallen Leaves - Chapter 54: Long Way Down
Rain poured on campus. Droplets danced across the window of Jay’s dorm room. The plan to meet up with Gil and Francis was a bust due to the weather. They were the ones to cancel on him, not the other way around. Jay didn’t mind getting a little wet, especially to spend time with people, but Gil just said that they would reschedule for another time.
Lying on his bed, Jay patted the mattress, trying to keep his mind off of schoolwork, away from boredom. Yet he felt he couldn’t move. There was just something that irked him. He had avoided thinking about it for far too long. Something was going on with Damien. His mind raced to the worst, but this was Damien, the most loyal, greatest boyfriend in the world. Why then wouldn’t he return his calls? If only it was just schoolwork, the stresses of senior year weighing down upon his shoulders. Why then couldn’t he find comfort in talking with Jay? He could help distract Damien from any stress. They just weren’t in a healthy spot and honestly, he didn’t know if they’d ever get out of this valley.
He couldn’t help but blame himself for this. Although it was a hopeless prospect, he found himself completely infatuated with Gus. Gus made him feel known, wanted, safe. Damien was certainly sweet and loyal, but he felt a much stronger emotional draw and connection towards Gus. If Gus were gay, there’d be no reason to stay with Damien, but seeing as Gus was definitively straight, it was utterly pointless and unfair to him to even fantasize what it would be like to be with him. Yet, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t get Gus out of his head. Screw it. Who cares how unfair it is? Damien hadn’t returned any of his calls.
Turning to his side, he grabbed his phone off his dresser. What would it hurt to call? He stared at his contacts. The most recent outgoing call was to Damien. The most recent incoming call was from Gus. No, he had gone down this path before. He couldn’t begin this without discussing with Damien. It would be the best of both worlds if Damien was open to the thought of a polyamorous relationship, but he was so traditional. Jay knew deep down that there was just no way he could commit to one person.
Deciding at the last moment, his thumb pressed Damien’s name, in spite of his sexual drive, his overwhelming desires. He heard it ring twice before it went straight to voicemail.
“Listen, Damien,” Jay began. He continued saying he knew he’d been annoying for calling multiple times and leaving a plethora of messages. “We really need to talk. It’s hard for me to remain faithful to you when you’re so emotionally and physically distant. Please, just call me back. We really need to talk this out.”
Jay hung up. Five seconds hadn’t past before he pressed Gus’s name. Who was he fooling? He couldn’t help himself. To his relief, Gus picked up on the first ring.
“Jay, listen bud, I’m not on campus right now,” Gus said apologetically. “Can I call you back later? I’m so sorry. I totally spaced on our run today.”
“Sure, uh, where are you, if you don’t mind my asking?” Jay asked. He continued saying it was hard to hear him with all the static on the other end.
“I’m at another campus visiting a very dear friend.”
“Oh, ok. I guess I’ll just call you later.”
“No,” Gus commanded. “I’ll call you, buddy.”
“Well, that’s, uh, great,” Jay replied unsure of how to reply. “I’ll await your-” he began, but it was too late. The dial tone disrupted his sentence.
Tossing the football in the air in one of the lulls between storms, watching Jeremy go long, it felt so good in his hands again. Kerass beamed. The pressure was off. He once again found the joy in the game. No more expectations. He would only play for fun, and Jeremy had improved greatly since their senior year, at least since the first game, which had been the only one he watched. This wasn’t a game though. Instead of eating to process, they went out on the quad, threw the ball to each other and talked through what was going on. Jeremy was a great accountability partner. He never failed at asking the difficult questions.
“Have you thought about it this week?” Jeremy asked tossing the football to him.
“No,” Kerass replied. “I’ve even let this grow out to help keep my thoughts pure,” he added touching his beard.
“Did you get rid of your razor?”
Kerass nodded, tossing the football back.
“Good,” Jeremy encouraged. “Let it grow out if it prevents you from harming yourself.”
“What about you?” he asked.
“Me? Well, I, uh, I relapsed last night.”
“Get rid of it.”
“It’s not that simple,” Jeremy tossed the football back.
“Yes, it is. Looking clean shaven isn’t worth the risk to harm yourself.”
“No, Kerass, I joined ROTC. I have to be clean shaven,” Jeremy replied. “Just keep asking me.”
“Why? Why’d you do it?”
“Because I wanted to feel something. I don’t even feel pain anymore.”
“Can’t you just give it over to God?” he asked throwing the ball underhanded to Jeremy.
“What a stupid question,” Jeremy said whilst dropping the ball.
“Why is it stupid?”
“Because it’s just not that simple.”
“Why not? Why can’t it be?”
“Because…” Jeremy sighed, sitting down on the grass with his knees up. “Life just doesn’t work that way. Christian life especially, at least not for me.”
“Have you ever really tried?” Kerass asked sitting cross-legged beside him.
“Yes.”
“Is that an honest answer?”
“Yes!” Jeremy screeched defiantly standing up. “It’s not a switch that just gets turned off. It’s a continual throbbing temptation to feel. When I can’t feel God near, I just go to the razor. Exercise, the rigorous activity of the ROTC, that helps distract me a bit. Yet, when I’m alone in my dorm room, sometimes it feels like the only escape.”
“How can you be so honest about it and still hide it away from God?” Kerass asking standing up beside him.
“It’s not black and white.”
“Why not?”
“Can you forgive your father for what he did to you?”
“That’s different,” Kerass replied averting eye contact.
“No, it’s a gray area, just like this is. See the truth is, Kerass, I don’t think this is just gonna go away easily. The enemy won’t allow that.”
“From the way you talk, it sounds like the enemy’s already won.”
“Oftentimes I wonder.”
“Do you talk to Jaden about it?”
“No,” Jeremy exhaled. “I don’t want her to ever know about this.”
“Call her,” Kerass implored. “If you are serious about dating her you need to be able to share prayer requests with her.”
“I can’t,” Jeremy shook his head. “You’re asking too much of me.”
“I know you can do it. I’ve seen you be honest before. Call her.”
Damien stared at Gus. He was averting the question, as usual.
“Why are you hiding from me?”
“Because…” Gus sighed. “You saw me cry before and I don’t want you to see that again.”
“Still no change with your uncle Jake, huh?” Damien asked. He continued saying he knew it must be incredibly difficult.
“Look, Damien,” Gus grunted, frustrated. “That’s not why I came here. I didn’t come up here to discuss Jake. I came here because being close with you, letting you in, I felt something that I’ve never felt before and I wanted to explore that, but I just don’t know.”
“What are you saying,” Damien paused, his heart racing, “exactly?”
“I’m not convinced I’m straight anymore,” Gus replied brimming with tears.
“Gus, are you?” Damien asked, his heart racing with joy and hope. “Are you gay?”
Locking eyes with him, Gus leaned over and cried in his shoulder. Damien held him close, not daring to let him go. He wouldn’t mind holding him forever. Jay’s smile came to mind at that moment. But Jay didn’t need him, Gus did. Jay didn’t need help out of the closet. Perhaps his therapist was right. Damien began to doubt everything about why he was holding back on sex while he held Gus in his arms. Everything he was feeling, the elation of it all, he felt guilty, but his feelings of joy overpowered any depravity he felt about taking advantage of the situation. He knew he could give himself physically to Gus, but that road he wanted on, it was a long way down and he was just at the crest of the mountain. It would take a long time to get to the valley. He no longer felt guilt or shame about wanting gay sex. No, he had never been a traditional boy, one to follow the rules. Rules were meant to be twisted and broken anyway.
The walk to Droplet every week became easier as fall semester sped towards the holidays. He never wanted to walk with his friends, opting instead to spend that time reflecting, talking with God. The conversations never lasted long. It felt weird talking with God. He never heard a voice speak back to him, but oddly enough he truly felt God was dialoguing with him anyway. He felt heard, wanted, loved. It was so weird saying that about something, someone he couldn’t even see, but he couldn’t help it. His relationship with God when he was in high school, when he claimed he was a Christian looked nothing like what he was doing now. He actually looked forward to reading the scriptures, learning new things about God, not just facts about him, but honestly ways to walk with him, to have a true relationship, friendship even with him. Kerass never thought that was possible.
Brimming with tears, he exhaled, wiping his eyes clean. Something changed in him and he couldn’t explain it other than he felt overwhelmed being close to God. A gift he would never take for granted again, he swore to himself.
Before he knew it he stood outside watching all the people gather to the entrance. Taking just a moment to compose himself, thanking God for the gift that this group of peers was to each other, even if they didn’t mean much to him, he was glad they had each other. Still an outsider, he inhaled trying to accept that it was all right. He had his own group of friends. Droplet didn’t mean everything, nor should it.
“Kerass!” Jeremy called out to him, beckoning him over with a two-fingered wave.
“Uh, hey man,” Kerass stammered. This wasn’t like him, why did he feel so uncomfortable being here? This was a safe place, but he still felt so alone.
“You were right. I’m calling her tonight after the meeting.”
“Proud of you, buddy.”
“Thanks,” he whispered in reply, hugging him.
“Anyway, why are you standing here all by yourself?” Jeremy asked. He implored him to come join the group.
“There’s just not that many people I trust, honestly. I’ve always been that way.”
“Yeah, but you trust me.”
“Undoubtedly,” Kerass reassured him, gripping his shoulder.
“I know someone who would be good for you.”
“Uh, Jeremy if you’re trying to set me up with a girl, it’s just not a good time right now.”
“No, you need guy friends.”
“I have nothing but guy friends.”
“Yeah, but how many of those are believers?”
Kerass couldn’t answer that. He wasn’t even sure if he could call himself a believer yet, but he knew he loved reading the Bible. Still…he struggled with everything it said against his friends.
“That’s what I thought. Trust me, you guys would be like the perfect fit together. It’s someone who’s in ROTC too. Come on.”
Kerass rolled his eyes as he followed Jeremy through the crowd. Dodging people left and right as they danced around him, never touching him, but always inches away. He was in the midst of the crowd when he saw him again, Jordan, the guy who wanted nothing to do with him.
“Kerass, I want you to meet Jordan.”
“Yeah, uh,” Kerass paused unable to take his eyes off of Jordan, a guy he never thought he’d see again outside of class, “we’ve already met.”
“I may have misjudged you,” Jordan said. “I never took you to be a Droplet guy.”
“I see that my work is done then. Yeah, uh, you two have fun I guess,” Jeremy dipped out awkwardly.
“I’m not really. I like coming, but honestly I get more out of just reading the Bible, talking to him.”
“That’s quite possibly the most mature thing I’ve ever heard from someone who goes to Droplet meetings.”
“Um, thanks?” Kerass replied shyly, feeling his face burn red. “I’m not sure if I should take that as a compliment towards me or a slight towards everybody else."
Jordan laughed bellowing, “I appreciate your honesty, Kerass. Too many people are fake on this campus. Just take it as a compliment. Nothing to be embarrassed about. We should talk outside of this, outside of class. I really do need a strong believing friend right now.”
“I’m not sure I would call myself a believer, label myself as a Christian. Reading it gives me joy, but I don’t know if I’m ready or even willing to dedicate my life to it.”
“Then we should definitely be talking. Saturday?”
“Uh, sure.”
“Sit next to me and Jeremy. I want to make sure you’re not alone in there.”
“Just as long as you make sure I don’t steal your seat.”
Jordan chuckled as he led Kerass inside.
Knocking on the door, Cadence pushed her hair behind her ears. It had been ages since they last talked, since they last saw each other. It wouldn’t surprise her if he weren’t there at all. When the door opened, she saw the look of surprise plastered across his face. She hoped it was pleasant surprise.
“Cadence?” Damien observed stoically. “What are you doing here?”
Cadence sighed saying she wasn’t quite sure what drove her to drive this far just to speak with him. “I know, haven’t you ever heard of a phone call?” she chastised herself.
“No, no, I’m glad that you’re here.”
“Do you remember what you said to me right before you graduated high school?”
“Not really,” Damien sheepishly admitted. “Remind me?”
“You said that you could always count on me.”
“Oh, yes,” he smiled at her.
“Is the reverse true?”
“Always. You can tell me anything.”
“Damien,” she exhaled tears pouring down her face. “This is so hard.”
“Just say it.”
She whispered, her voice barely audible, “I killed someone.”
Lying on his bed, Jay patted the mattress, trying to keep his mind off of schoolwork, away from boredom. Yet he felt he couldn’t move. There was just something that irked him. He had avoided thinking about it for far too long. Something was going on with Damien. His mind raced to the worst, but this was Damien, the most loyal, greatest boyfriend in the world. Why then wouldn’t he return his calls? If only it was just schoolwork, the stresses of senior year weighing down upon his shoulders. Why then couldn’t he find comfort in talking with Jay? He could help distract Damien from any stress. They just weren’t in a healthy spot and honestly, he didn’t know if they’d ever get out of this valley.
He couldn’t help but blame himself for this. Although it was a hopeless prospect, he found himself completely infatuated with Gus. Gus made him feel known, wanted, safe. Damien was certainly sweet and loyal, but he felt a much stronger emotional draw and connection towards Gus. If Gus were gay, there’d be no reason to stay with Damien, but seeing as Gus was definitively straight, it was utterly pointless and unfair to him to even fantasize what it would be like to be with him. Yet, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t get Gus out of his head. Screw it. Who cares how unfair it is? Damien hadn’t returned any of his calls.
Turning to his side, he grabbed his phone off his dresser. What would it hurt to call? He stared at his contacts. The most recent outgoing call was to Damien. The most recent incoming call was from Gus. No, he had gone down this path before. He couldn’t begin this without discussing with Damien. It would be the best of both worlds if Damien was open to the thought of a polyamorous relationship, but he was so traditional. Jay knew deep down that there was just no way he could commit to one person.
Deciding at the last moment, his thumb pressed Damien’s name, in spite of his sexual drive, his overwhelming desires. He heard it ring twice before it went straight to voicemail.
“Listen, Damien,” Jay began. He continued saying he knew he’d been annoying for calling multiple times and leaving a plethora of messages. “We really need to talk. It’s hard for me to remain faithful to you when you’re so emotionally and physically distant. Please, just call me back. We really need to talk this out.”
Jay hung up. Five seconds hadn’t past before he pressed Gus’s name. Who was he fooling? He couldn’t help himself. To his relief, Gus picked up on the first ring.
“Jay, listen bud, I’m not on campus right now,” Gus said apologetically. “Can I call you back later? I’m so sorry. I totally spaced on our run today.”
“Sure, uh, where are you, if you don’t mind my asking?” Jay asked. He continued saying it was hard to hear him with all the static on the other end.
“I’m at another campus visiting a very dear friend.”
“Oh, ok. I guess I’ll just call you later.”
“No,” Gus commanded. “I’ll call you, buddy.”
“Well, that’s, uh, great,” Jay replied unsure of how to reply. “I’ll await your-” he began, but it was too late. The dial tone disrupted his sentence.
Tossing the football in the air in one of the lulls between storms, watching Jeremy go long, it felt so good in his hands again. Kerass beamed. The pressure was off. He once again found the joy in the game. No more expectations. He would only play for fun, and Jeremy had improved greatly since their senior year, at least since the first game, which had been the only one he watched. This wasn’t a game though. Instead of eating to process, they went out on the quad, threw the ball to each other and talked through what was going on. Jeremy was a great accountability partner. He never failed at asking the difficult questions.
“Have you thought about it this week?” Jeremy asked tossing the football to him.
“No,” Kerass replied. “I’ve even let this grow out to help keep my thoughts pure,” he added touching his beard.
“Did you get rid of your razor?”
Kerass nodded, tossing the football back.
“Good,” Jeremy encouraged. “Let it grow out if it prevents you from harming yourself.”
“What about you?” he asked.
“Me? Well, I, uh, I relapsed last night.”
“Get rid of it.”
“It’s not that simple,” Jeremy tossed the football back.
“Yes, it is. Looking clean shaven isn’t worth the risk to harm yourself.”
“No, Kerass, I joined ROTC. I have to be clean shaven,” Jeremy replied. “Just keep asking me.”
“Why? Why’d you do it?”
“Because I wanted to feel something. I don’t even feel pain anymore.”
“Can’t you just give it over to God?” he asked throwing the ball underhanded to Jeremy.
“What a stupid question,” Jeremy said whilst dropping the ball.
“Why is it stupid?”
“Because it’s just not that simple.”
“Why not? Why can’t it be?”
“Because…” Jeremy sighed, sitting down on the grass with his knees up. “Life just doesn’t work that way. Christian life especially, at least not for me.”
“Have you ever really tried?” Kerass asked sitting cross-legged beside him.
“Yes.”
“Is that an honest answer?”
“Yes!” Jeremy screeched defiantly standing up. “It’s not a switch that just gets turned off. It’s a continual throbbing temptation to feel. When I can’t feel God near, I just go to the razor. Exercise, the rigorous activity of the ROTC, that helps distract me a bit. Yet, when I’m alone in my dorm room, sometimes it feels like the only escape.”
“How can you be so honest about it and still hide it away from God?” Kerass asking standing up beside him.
“It’s not black and white.”
“Why not?”
“Can you forgive your father for what he did to you?”
“That’s different,” Kerass replied averting eye contact.
“No, it’s a gray area, just like this is. See the truth is, Kerass, I don’t think this is just gonna go away easily. The enemy won’t allow that.”
“From the way you talk, it sounds like the enemy’s already won.”
“Oftentimes I wonder.”
“Do you talk to Jaden about it?”
“No,” Jeremy exhaled. “I don’t want her to ever know about this.”
“Call her,” Kerass implored. “If you are serious about dating her you need to be able to share prayer requests with her.”
“I can’t,” Jeremy shook his head. “You’re asking too much of me.”
“I know you can do it. I’ve seen you be honest before. Call her.”
Damien stared at Gus. He was averting the question, as usual.
“Why are you hiding from me?”
“Because…” Gus sighed. “You saw me cry before and I don’t want you to see that again.”
“Still no change with your uncle Jake, huh?” Damien asked. He continued saying he knew it must be incredibly difficult.
“Look, Damien,” Gus grunted, frustrated. “That’s not why I came here. I didn’t come up here to discuss Jake. I came here because being close with you, letting you in, I felt something that I’ve never felt before and I wanted to explore that, but I just don’t know.”
“What are you saying,” Damien paused, his heart racing, “exactly?”
“I’m not convinced I’m straight anymore,” Gus replied brimming with tears.
“Gus, are you?” Damien asked, his heart racing with joy and hope. “Are you gay?”
Locking eyes with him, Gus leaned over and cried in his shoulder. Damien held him close, not daring to let him go. He wouldn’t mind holding him forever. Jay’s smile came to mind at that moment. But Jay didn’t need him, Gus did. Jay didn’t need help out of the closet. Perhaps his therapist was right. Damien began to doubt everything about why he was holding back on sex while he held Gus in his arms. Everything he was feeling, the elation of it all, he felt guilty, but his feelings of joy overpowered any depravity he felt about taking advantage of the situation. He knew he could give himself physically to Gus, but that road he wanted on, it was a long way down and he was just at the crest of the mountain. It would take a long time to get to the valley. He no longer felt guilt or shame about wanting gay sex. No, he had never been a traditional boy, one to follow the rules. Rules were meant to be twisted and broken anyway.
The walk to Droplet every week became easier as fall semester sped towards the holidays. He never wanted to walk with his friends, opting instead to spend that time reflecting, talking with God. The conversations never lasted long. It felt weird talking with God. He never heard a voice speak back to him, but oddly enough he truly felt God was dialoguing with him anyway. He felt heard, wanted, loved. It was so weird saying that about something, someone he couldn’t even see, but he couldn’t help it. His relationship with God when he was in high school, when he claimed he was a Christian looked nothing like what he was doing now. He actually looked forward to reading the scriptures, learning new things about God, not just facts about him, but honestly ways to walk with him, to have a true relationship, friendship even with him. Kerass never thought that was possible.
Brimming with tears, he exhaled, wiping his eyes clean. Something changed in him and he couldn’t explain it other than he felt overwhelmed being close to God. A gift he would never take for granted again, he swore to himself.
Before he knew it he stood outside watching all the people gather to the entrance. Taking just a moment to compose himself, thanking God for the gift that this group of peers was to each other, even if they didn’t mean much to him, he was glad they had each other. Still an outsider, he inhaled trying to accept that it was all right. He had his own group of friends. Droplet didn’t mean everything, nor should it.
“Kerass!” Jeremy called out to him, beckoning him over with a two-fingered wave.
“Uh, hey man,” Kerass stammered. This wasn’t like him, why did he feel so uncomfortable being here? This was a safe place, but he still felt so alone.
“You were right. I’m calling her tonight after the meeting.”
“Proud of you, buddy.”
“Thanks,” he whispered in reply, hugging him.
“Anyway, why are you standing here all by yourself?” Jeremy asked. He implored him to come join the group.
“There’s just not that many people I trust, honestly. I’ve always been that way.”
“Yeah, but you trust me.”
“Undoubtedly,” Kerass reassured him, gripping his shoulder.
“I know someone who would be good for you.”
“Uh, Jeremy if you’re trying to set me up with a girl, it’s just not a good time right now.”
“No, you need guy friends.”
“I have nothing but guy friends.”
“Yeah, but how many of those are believers?”
Kerass couldn’t answer that. He wasn’t even sure if he could call himself a believer yet, but he knew he loved reading the Bible. Still…he struggled with everything it said against his friends.
“That’s what I thought. Trust me, you guys would be like the perfect fit together. It’s someone who’s in ROTC too. Come on.”
Kerass rolled his eyes as he followed Jeremy through the crowd. Dodging people left and right as they danced around him, never touching him, but always inches away. He was in the midst of the crowd when he saw him again, Jordan, the guy who wanted nothing to do with him.
“Kerass, I want you to meet Jordan.”
“Yeah, uh,” Kerass paused unable to take his eyes off of Jordan, a guy he never thought he’d see again outside of class, “we’ve already met.”
“I may have misjudged you,” Jordan said. “I never took you to be a Droplet guy.”
“I see that my work is done then. Yeah, uh, you two have fun I guess,” Jeremy dipped out awkwardly.
“I’m not really. I like coming, but honestly I get more out of just reading the Bible, talking to him.”
“That’s quite possibly the most mature thing I’ve ever heard from someone who goes to Droplet meetings.”
“Um, thanks?” Kerass replied shyly, feeling his face burn red. “I’m not sure if I should take that as a compliment towards me or a slight towards everybody else."
Jordan laughed bellowing, “I appreciate your honesty, Kerass. Too many people are fake on this campus. Just take it as a compliment. Nothing to be embarrassed about. We should talk outside of this, outside of class. I really do need a strong believing friend right now.”
“I’m not sure I would call myself a believer, label myself as a Christian. Reading it gives me joy, but I don’t know if I’m ready or even willing to dedicate my life to it.”
“Then we should definitely be talking. Saturday?”
“Uh, sure.”
“Sit next to me and Jeremy. I want to make sure you’re not alone in there.”
“Just as long as you make sure I don’t steal your seat.”
Jordan chuckled as he led Kerass inside.
Knocking on the door, Cadence pushed her hair behind her ears. It had been ages since they last talked, since they last saw each other. It wouldn’t surprise her if he weren’t there at all. When the door opened, she saw the look of surprise plastered across his face. She hoped it was pleasant surprise.
“Cadence?” Damien observed stoically. “What are you doing here?”
Cadence sighed saying she wasn’t quite sure what drove her to drive this far just to speak with him. “I know, haven’t you ever heard of a phone call?” she chastised herself.
“No, no, I’m glad that you’re here.”
“Do you remember what you said to me right before you graduated high school?”
“Not really,” Damien sheepishly admitted. “Remind me?”
“You said that you could always count on me.”
“Oh, yes,” he smiled at her.
“Is the reverse true?”
“Always. You can tell me anything.”
“Damien,” she exhaled tears pouring down her face. “This is so hard.”
“Just say it.”
She whispered, her voice barely audible, “I killed someone.”
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)