Fallen Leaves - Chapter 63: She's Not Afraid

Kerass cleared his throat. He stood before this girl, who just kept talking to herself in front of him.

“Hello?” he said, attempting to grab her attention again.

“Can I help you?” the girl asked, shaking herself out of whatever was distracting her.

“I, uh, I saw,” he froze and cleared his throat again. “Excuse me, I saw, saw you at church.”

“Oh!” she replied, her eyes filled with delight. “You attend my church?”

“I went once,” he said, adding that it was a big deal for him.

“And why is going to church such a big deal for you?”

“May I sit down?” he asked her.

“By all means,” she replied as he sat beside her feeling the breeze blow the loose leaves onto his back before they scattered across campus.

“May I get your name before I spill my guts to a stranger?”

“Only if you give me yours first,” she challenged him.

“It’s Kerass.”

“What a beautiful name!” she exclaimed.

He raised his eyebrows averting eye contact. “I’ve never heard that said about a man’s name before.”

“Well, you’re a sensitive man. It reads all over your face.”

“What’s your name?” he asked intentionally ignoring her observation.

“Kathleen. Now stop stalling. Why was going to church such a ‘big deal’?” she asked using air quotes.

“I haven’t gone in years.”

“What grade are you?”

“What the hell does that have to do with anything?”

“Just answer the question, you dipshit.”

Kerass’s eyes bulged out of his head. He certainly wasn’t used to any sort of church girl growing up openly cursing like this, especially on a first encounter.

“I’m a junior.”

“Did you stop attending at the beginning of your freshmen year?”

“No,” he shook his head.

“There’s still hope for you then.”

“I don’t think you quite understand. Actually, I stopped before I graduated high school.”

“Something happened,” she said gazing into his eyes. “Something deeply painful that sparked it. Whatever it was caused you to drift away from God. I’d like to know what it was and what drew you back to God.”

“I’d rather talk about what drew me to you,” Kerass said under his breath.

“Oh, we’re not dating. There’s no way in hell I’d be caught dating you.”

“You’re friendzoning me already? I’m not even interested in dating you!”

“Don’t fucking lie to me, I know your type.”

“What is with you and the cursing? I thought you’d be purer than that.”

“A good Christian girl isn’t inherently pure, Kerass. She’s honest about her faults and recognizes that only the love of a savior who took the blame for her is pure.”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Just by the prospect that you said that question asked me something, but I’ll allot another.”

“Why were you talking to yourself earlier?”

“What? I don’t know what you mean.”

“You were talking to yourself before I came up to you and you flat out ignored my first attempt to say hi to you.”

“Oh,” she dragged the word out. “Oh, that,” she nodded. “I was praying aloud.”

“Why were you praying aloud? No one was here to listen to you?”

“My heavenly Father was listening to me.”

“What about the parable of the religious man who prayed loudly just to seek approval from others? Aren’t you called to pray in secret?”

She smiled. Looking down at him, she stated, “You’re a pastor’s son, aren’t you?”

He simply nodded, unwilling to share anything about his father.

“That wasn’t the reason I did it,” she said defending herself, “but I’ll take your adherence under advice.”

“May I be bold enough to inquire one more question from you?”

“Sure.”

“I guess it’s more of an observation,” he said freezing up again. It was hard to say what he saw inside of her because it was just so ludicrous to verbalize. Yet he knew deep down that she’s not afraid of any question or observation he’d throw at her.

“Just go ahead and say it.”

“I want to understand the light inside of you.”

“You don’t need me to help you with that,” she instantly replied.

“Why?”

“Because you already have it.”



Rolling off the bed, Jeremy forced himself to stand up. The weekend was over and while he had no desire to go to class, he couldn’t just lay on his bed all day. The only thing he could do was go to class and eat and cut himself. It was the only thing that he had any energy for, the only thing that made him feel alive. He would never deny the fact that he cut himself to wake up.

Looking at the clock, knowing he had to rush, he quickly grabbed his razer from underneath his pillow and cut across his thighs. Feeling a jolt of energy as the blood trickled down his legs, he grabbed his notebook and pen and rushed out the door.



Damien awoke with a start. He closed his eyes again demanding to go back to sleep. Had it all been a dream? Had Gus really come down to be with him again after months? It was too good to be true. It couldn’t possibly be real. Taking a deep breath, he rolled back onto his side and tried to get back to sleep, but then he felt another body laying beside him. He opened his eyes.

There he lay: Gus. Not exactly the man of his dreams, but he was the man who took his virginity. Feeling guilty about that, he tried to erase it all from his mind. Gus was incredibly handsome and sexy, but he had lied to Jay to get Gus and in more ways than one had manipulated him into this relationship. It just wasn’t healthy for either of them, but he didn’t want to let go of his prized possession. He had worked too damn hard for it.

Gus moved beside him, waking up in his grasp as he held him close. He daren’t let this go out of fear that he would never have this again if he did. He smiled as Gus looked over at him.

“Good morning,” Damien whispered.

“Now, where were we?” Gus asked in reply.

Damien said he thought he knew what he was getting at. “Just give me a kiss.”

Damien was taken aback for the kiss he received wasn’t aggressive or passionate like their embrace last night, it was short, gentle, and sweet.

“Be gentle with me,” Gus said sheepishly.

“I always am, but we don’t have to do anything right now. I don’t want to force you into anything,” he flat out lied. He was incredibly horny and he was down for round two, but in an attempt to correct some wrongs from before, he opted to give Gus some space to breathe, to choose.

“I am going to have to get back to my school soon…” he trailed. “At least before the end of the day.”

“We’ve got plenty of time before that happens.”

“I did want to swing by Uncle Jake again before I went back.”

There it went as fleeting as it had come. The mention of a comatose patient was an instant turn off. Nope. He wasn’t getting any this morning unfortunately. He commanded his thoughts to be ok with that, trying his best to mask his disgruntled nature at the prospect of talking about that while they were in their underwear in bed together.

“I know,” Gus said caressing his face. “I know I treated you horribly last time. Punching you was not my proudest hour, but I wanted to ask if you would accompany me to see him this afternoon before I head back to school.”

“I’m in grad school now,” Damien stated, trying to control his agitation. “I can’t just drop everything to visit him.”

“Would you drop everything for me?”

“That’s not fair.”

“Why not?” Gus challenged. “I did it for you.”

“Coercing me to visit him isn’t going to help mend our relationship.”

“And more sex is?”

“Yes,” Damien bluntly replied. “Being physical with you helps me to feel close to you, to recapture what we had when we first fell for each other.”

“I know it’s bad memories, but,” Gus paused, exhaling. “I’m asking you as my closest friend, as my boyfriend, my better half if you will, to make this sacrifice for me.”

“And what will I get in return?”

“You know better than to ask,” Gus said as he lay on his back, pulling Damien on top of him.



Jay froze as he packed up his dorm room. The knock on the door startled him. It couldn’t possibly be his roommate. Hell, he thought his roommate had already moved out.

Standing up after he zipped his suitcase, he walked over to the door and opened it.

“Jay?” Kerass asked startled. “Why are you packing your suitcase?”

He went beet red. Perhaps Kerass had become a straight ally over the years, but he didn’t know how he would react to hearing he was in a polyamorous relationship now.

“Are you moving in with someone?”

“I’d rather not say,” Jay replied. He added that it was none of Kerass’s business. “Why are you even here, Kerass?”

“I came to check in on you, ask you if you wanted to catch up over lunch.”

Jay sighed. “Um, I’m sorry, I can’t right now. Just text me a day next week?” he added rushing Kerass out the door.

Kerass put his hands up preventing him from leaving the dorm. Turning around he said, “Just tell me one thing. Tell me you aren’t running back to Damien.”

“No, I can assure you of that.”

“Then what in God’s name could be so bad that you’re terrified to tell me?”

“You wouldn’t want to be friends with me if I told you the truth.”

“Has that ever stopped me from being your friend before? For more than like a day, might I clarify?”

Jay shook his head. “I’m just too embarrassed to say it. I know you won’t like it.”

“How could you know what I’ll say if you don’t tell me?”

Jay closed his eyes internally begging him to leave.

“I won’t abandon you whatever it is. I hope you know that. Just please, please share with me.”

Jay opened his eyes. “All right, fine. I’ll tell you. I’m, uh,” he paused looking into his eyes. Kerass looked so concerned, so caring. He didn’t want to break his heart, but he couldn’t stop himself from being, from living anymore. “I’m in a polyamorous relationship.”

Kerass’s eyes looked befuddled. “I don’t, um, I don’t know what that means.”

“I’m dating Gil and I’m dating Francis. They’re both dating me and they both know it. We’re committed to a three-way romantic and sexual relationship.”

“My god, Jay,” Kerass whispered.

“I knew you wouldn’t understand,” Jay rolled his eyes.

Kerass just looked at him. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Go to hell, Kerass. I don’t want or even need your support anymore and if you can’t support me just the way I am then you need to get the fuck out of my room and out of my life.”

Kerass nodded. “I’m just going to need a little bit of time to process.”

“Whatever,” Jay replied closing the door on him.



Cadence heard the lock turn. It was that time of the week again. Every single week she had gotten a visitor. It was only recently that the visitor became consistent. Every Wednesday morning, she knew who would show up. She didn’t even need to look to know who was there visiting her again.

“Good morning, Julia.”

Fallen Leaves - Chapter 62: Stand Up

Cadence clutched the letter. She wasn’t able to read or focus on it just yet. She just held it close. Simply the fact that Gus had reached out to her after all this time meant the world to her. She didn’t even care what he said, but she knew she’d have to read it.

Taking a deep breath, she unfolded the page and started to read:

Dear Cadence,

My life truly has not been the same without you in it. Many things have happened that I’m afraid to admit to you. It’s not that I don’t trust you, but I’m just too ashamed of myself to admit it to you.

I wish I could go and visit you, but school has prevented me from doing so and I can’t even explain to you just the sheer crippling reason why I simply can’t.

I was going to write how are you, but it’s not like we’re in the same room and you can respond right away. To be honest, I’m not even sure why I’m writing this letter to you.

I just need to say it, or write it, I guess. I can’t even write it down for you.

There were tear drops on this line. Cadence didn’t know if she could continue reading it. Seeing Gus be so vulnerable was tough especially since it had been so long since they had spoken. His life had moved on, whereas she felt she was punished for her inability to do so. Making a promise to herself she refused to stay still any longer. She had to move. She had to grow, no matter the circumstances. Looking past the tear stained line, she read:

I think, no, I know. I’m gay. I was with Damien. Yes, we started out by cheating on Jay, but somehow Damien stayed with me. Yes, he and I have been together. He’s tried to explain this in letters to you before, but you never responded. I couldn’t write to you out of fear. But now that I’ve said it to you, my previous love, I think I can finally say it to anyone and be ok.

I can tell you it’s over. I tried to reach out to Jay begging for his forgiveness, but he never gave it to me. He never reciprocated any attempts to reconcile.

I pray you’ll write back to me, telling me you support me being me, but I’d understand if you don’t. I look at myself as despicable, not because I’m gay, but because I am the other man despite that I won, even if only for a little bit. If Jay can’t forgive me and support me, I hope you will.

Whether you want me to or not, I would still like to come and visit you at some point, to see your face again even if it’s only for one last time. I eagerly await our time together.

Gus

Cadence crumpled the page forming a fist in her hand. Forgiveness didn’t seem like a legitimate option. Grabbing Damien’s letters, she ripped each one to shreds. Jay’s letters were the only letters she wanted to read now. She wasn’t ready to read Kerass’s.

“Cadence,” the security guard said outside her cell.

She looked up at her.

“You have a visitor.”



The door opened. Jay exhaled. He was ready for whatever would happen. If this was the only way to get some, then by god he was going to take that opportunity. He had never wanted something more than this and there he stood before him.

“Come on in, Jay,” Gil said. “I never thought I’d hear from you after all this time.”

“Is he here?” Francis asked from the living room.

“Yes, I am,” Jay tried to say confidently, but ultimately said underneath his breath.

“Have you finally made a decision?” Gil asked, while Francis came to the foyer.

Jay couldn’t help but chuckle. He thought he had made his decision walking over here, but standing in front of them with their longing, lustful looks in their eyes, he was no longer so sure. It looked like dogs panting before you begging for attention. This was a mistake. He turned around to leave, but then someone grabbed his hand. Jay exhaled. There was no turning back now.

He slowly turned around. Francis was holding his hand. “Please don’t leave,” he begged.

“Ok,” Jay whispered. “Just promise me one thing if I begin this relationship with both of you.”

“Anything,” Francis breathed, while Gil nodded.

“I will commit to being in a polyamorous relationship with you as long as you agree that I can finally lose my virginity. I’ve waited far too long as it is.”

“That is totally fair,” Gil said sitting down, “and we promise you that it will happen.”

“We don’t have to rush it though,” Francis reassured him.

Jay chuckled, but then he realized he hadn’t let go of Francis’s hand. Francis lead him close to them.

“Stand up,” he told Gil.

They both leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. Jay smiled. With Francis he felt passion. With Gil he felt safe for they had known each other for years. Fuck Damien. He didn’t even give a shit about him anymore. Jay leaned forward and kissed Francis on the lips. Francis was a little taken aback, his face betrayed him.

“I wasn’t expecting you to get so comfortable so quickly.”

Jay stated that he was full of surprises. Turning to Gil, letting go of Francis’s hand, he grabbed Gil’s face and kissed him passionately. “Thanks for choosing me.”

“So,” Gil said exhaling, “when are you moving in?”



The walk from the parking lot into the building wasn’t that far, but it terrified Kerass. He inhaled and sighed. Every step he took felt like an eternity. Why was he doing this?

“Hello!” a man at the door called out to him. “Welcome to Valley Bible Church,” he added with a smile on his face. “What’s your name?”

“Kerass,” he replied.

“We’re so glad you’re here,” the man added. He continued to tell him to enjoy the service.

Kerass couldn’t wait to just rush in the door. He wasn’t there to be seen. He was there to worship God. Not wanting to be bothered, he rushed into the sanctuary.

The building wasn’t very big and there was a bizarre obsession with doors. The walls didn’t consist of plaster, but of antique doors. He couldn’t say that he hated it, but it was very odd. There were even doors all around the sanctuary. It wasn’t necessarily bad, but it was odd.

He wanted to sit down in the back, but something caught his eye and he couldn’t look away. There was a girl, someone who had to be in college too. She was young like he was, attractive, but not exactly smoking hot, but there was something different about her. He couldn’t take his eyes off of her. There was a joy about her, a light, like a literal light that was shining, radiating out from her. It was so bright that he had to squint while looking at her, but he was still drawn to her. He daren’t look away. Worshipping the Lord would be quite difficult this morning.



Damien lay on his back staring at the ceiling in his apartment. Moving out of bed to begin another day in grad school was nearly impossible. Grad school was whooping his ass. He couldn’t even move.

Why? Why had he decided to go to grad school? He wasn’t exactly ready for college to end, but it was just too much for him to handle.

His phone vibrated loudly on his nightstand. It had to be his alarm beckoning him to begin his day. Rolling his eyes, without moving from his position on the bed, he stretched out his hand, grabbing his phone. He was more than a little surprised. It wasn’t his alarm at all. It was Gus calling him.

They hadn’t spoken since Jay had yelled at them on campus several months ago. He was certain it was over. Why was he calling him now? Picking up the call Damien said hello.

“Hey.”

“What’s going on, Gus?” Damien asked bluntly. “I thought we were over months ago. Why are you reaching out to me now?”

“I wanted to tell you I’m sorry.”

“Don’t you think it’s a little late now?” he asked turning on his side leaning on his left elbow.

“I hope not,” Gus whispered. “I have a confession to make.”

Damien didn’t say anything. He wasn’t going to cut him any slack. Giving Gus the satisfaction to know that he was curious would never happen.

“Ok, then,” Gus continued. “I, uh, see, I tried to maintain a friendship with Jay because I felt guilty over us, over what we did, but he wanted nothing to do with me, despite numerous attempts to reach out to him.”

Damien smiled. Gus was a great guy. He knew he had made the right decision, but he denied his lips to open up in speech.

“I just want to be with you, to let you hold me close to you again like those many months ago. Jay isn’t worth it. He never was, but you are. You always have been and you forever will be. I want to see you in person.”

“Where are you?” Damien’s vocals betrayed him. “I can’t wait to see you again. I’ll come to you.”

“You don’t have to go far.”

“Huh?”

“I’m standing outside your door.”

Damien had never jumped out of bed so quickly in his life. Within milliseconds he opened the door embracing Gus, who crumbled into tears on his shoulder. Damien petted the back of his head, kissing the side of his face.

After they let go of their embrace, Damien looked straight into Gus’s eyes. They were filled with fiery passion, love, and desire. Grabbing his face, Damien kissed Gus longer than he had ever kissed anyone before.

Closing the door, breaking the kiss, they both took their shirts off and headed straight to the bed.



Walking on campus, Kerass headed towards the flower tree. He rarely spent time there, but just wanted to sit and bask in its beauty while he still had the chance.

The closer he got, he noticed someone else was already sitting there. Damn it, he thought. He’d have to swing by another time, but then the light caught his eye.

Who happened to be sitting there other than the girl whose radiance distracted him from the entire Sunday morning worship service. This couldn’t just be a coincidence, but he daren’t claim it was from God either.

She was talking to herself. There was no phone in her hand. It was undeniable. There was no one else there and she was sitting in a public place, talking aloud to herself. What a weirdo, but in spite of it all, he still found himself unable to stop moving.

Sighing, he walked over to her. She looked up with a smirk on her face. He wasn’t going to let her intimidate him.

“Hi,” he said.

Fallen Leaves - Chapter 61: Na Na Na

Dear Kerass,

I know it’s been a while since I last wrote to you. I’m sorry for the delay, but things have been really intense over here. One of my Christian brothers just died yesterday and-

Kerass crumpled up the piece of paper. The blinds were shut as he now lived on the ground level in the dorms. He couldn’t stand watching people walk past the window inches away from his place of solace, of privacy. That was the only place he was willing to read one of his letters.

Jordan was one of his closest friends and quite possibly the person he trusted the most, but Jordan hadn’t really been himself. His letters came much less frequently and this time they were always dour and downright disgusting. He didn’t want to read the gory details about how this friend, or what was it he called him, a brother? Yes, that’s right. This brother of his ended up in pieces covering his blood over him. Christian brotherhood often talked about the covering of blood, but that was supposed to come from Jesus, the savior, not each other.

Taking a deep breath, he smoothed out the page on his desk. He couldn’t turn his back on his friend, despite how depressing it was to read his words. Skipping past the first paragraph, he continued to read.

I miss him dearly. No one else here professes faith in Jesus. The ones who used to are quiet now because the ones who professed it loudly are all dead.

I’m not gonna lie to you, buddy. I’m really scared. I fear God may be very angry with me and is punishing me by forcing me away from community, by taking away the only faith connections I physically have over here.

Who else do I have other than you for brotherhood? I talk with Neve every week, but she’s stopped going to church since I’ve left and to be honest, I can’t force myself to go either. I’m just so, so terribly frightened.

Brother Kerass, I love you deeply and am always encouraged to hear how you’re growing.

Kerass rolled his eyes. He didn’t feel like he was growing at all. It was all just typical Christianese bullshit. People only said that to make others feel better, not because they actually believed it. While he loved Jordan, he couldn’t help but focus on the reality that Jordan used a ton of Christian clichés. It was all so worthless. Words were meaningless if there was no proof to back them up.

I only wish I could be beside you physically to watch it with my own eyes. Pray for me, Kerass. I need it desperately. My very soul is so downcast I don’t see how I could ever feel better. Death seems easier.

Jordan

A tear drop landed on Jordan’s signature. It was so painful to read how poorly Jordan was doing. He was his spiritual mentor. He didn’t trust anyone more than Jordan. He knew that for a fact because Jordan had been the one to share Christ with him, yet here he was crumbling before him. Praying for Jordan just didn’t seem like an option. How could his mentor ask him to do that when he was still so young, so new in the faith?

Tapping his pen on the pad of paper, he tried to quiet his mind. Everything inside of him yearned to write back, to assure him that he was fine, that he was praying for him, but he knew that wasn’t true and lying to his mentor just didn’t feel right. He didn’t have it in him to lie, especially after Jordan had been so vulnerable.

No, he couldn’t do it. The timing wasn’t right to tell him about his decision, his commitment and even then, he still thought about backing out of it. It would have to wait. Too much was on his mind that he couldn’t even focus it to words. He wasn’t ready at all to write back.



The clock struck midnight. Why wouldn’t Jay’s date shut his mouth? This was just torture. The student center for the first date was a major bummer. That was where he met up with friends not go out.

The guy was a complete bore. Seriously, a chemistry major? There was no chemistry, no pun intended, just no spark between them, which he thought was crucial. The only reason he stayed was because the guy was huge in all the right ways. He wasn’t looking for love, just for sex and pleasure. Every date this semester had gone south though. This guy, well, where to begin? Honestly, when was the last time he showered?

Looking down at his pants to see if there was any sexual component to savor the date, he discovered that the guy wasn’t hard. What a disappointment. Ashamed, he was still a virgin, he kept dating to try to get a one-night stand, but he could never put himself in that frame of mind. Even if he wanted to force it, it just wouldn’t come up and obey.

“What about you? What’s your major?” the guy asked.

“Uh…” Jay froze. He couldn’t even remember the dude’s name. “Are you sure you want to talk about majors?” he asked raising his eyebrows. “We could talk about something much more enticing and exciting.”

The guy’s bulge was prominent in his pants as he said the words. This was his chance. He had to take it. It was now or never. Jay leaned over placing his hand on the guy’s right knee sliding his hand up his leg towards the growing target. Before he reached the prize, his hand was gently placed back on the table, the guy shaking his head.

“Na, na, na,” he said. His date had the most annoying way of saying no. “You’re not ready for that stuff.”

“What do you mean?” Jay asked disgruntled. “Why won’t you just let me suck-”

“Keep your voice down, man. We’re not in private, ok? Not everyone should know our business.”

“What business? It’s not like I’m getting any from you,” Jay verbally spat at him. He continued saying this whole date was a giant waste of time.

“You know what, you’re right. This was a waste of time. I tried to ignore my friend’s advice that told me about you. I tried to convince myself that you’d be different with me, honest, vulnerable, but the reality is you’re just not ready for a relationship, especially not a sexual one.”

“I’m not asking for a relationship,” he interjected. “Just a one-night stand. What’s the harm in that, huh? Just fun and pleasure. That’s all I seek.”

“Wow, Jay, uh, maybe because even though we’re gay sex still means something each and every time and I don’t care if that makes me traditional or not, it’s simply the truth. The reality is you can’t get over the fact that you’re still in love with Damien.”

“You watch your tongue,” Jay whispered in reply astonished. That was a low blow and hurt him deeply. “You’re an ass, you know that?”

“Yeah? Well I can live with that because I’ve been honest with myself and with you. Now if you excuse me, I’ve got better things to do tonight than to waste my time here arguing with you.”

Jay slapped him across the face. The guy, whatever his stupid name was, just walked away shaking his head. The asshole, the nerve of him to claim he was still in love with that despicable cheater.

He was crashing quickly. That was the worst Saturday night date he had yet. Walking back to his bed was the only option. Unfortunately, Kerass wasn’t his roommate this year. Some oddball who was never in the room was. Kerass would've consoled him, but not this year.

Walking past the sole oak tree on campus triggered his memory. Oak Stream no longer felt like home, but Damien, well, he still did. Pulling out his phone, he looked back at the picture of the two of them during his high school prom. He looked hot and so did Damien. Opting to delete the picture, he clicked on the button, but then decided against it. He cropped Damien out of the picture because he couldn’t look at his face, but he didn’t want to fully delete it because he was so cute in his tux. Despite whatever mixed feelings he had for Damien, it was truly and definitely over forever and ever amen.

There was another option though. He dialed the number. Luckily, they picked up.

“Hey, what’s going on?”

“What are you doing tonight or this morning, I should say?” Jay asked.

“What do you have in mind?”

Jay mischievously smiled.



Jeremy’s hair covered his eyes. It had grown past his shoulder blades. He hadn’t even showered all week. He just lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling, unable and unwilling to move. Despite the fact that it was at least 80 degrees in the room, he kept his hoodie on. The air conditioning was broken. The cut, the blood, it would dry eventually and the blood wouldn’t appear through the black hoodie anyway.

His Bible lay on top of his desk untouched for months. He couldn’t bear to part with it despite how much he questioned God’s love or the very concept of his existence.

He didn’t want to waste any more time or energy thinking over that book and whether it still had power over his life. It was nothing more than pieces of paper with words. No more powerful than any of the other textbooks he had in the room with him.

He couldn’t even think over how far he had fallen from grace. The very thought to think back to who he was in high school depressed him. There was nothing reputable about him anymore. He was, always had been, and would forever be a loser.

His cell phone rang, but he couldn’t even move to grab it. Besides who’d be calling him at this time of night? Only one person came to mind. Forcing himself to move, he moved to his left, laying on his side, and grabbed the phone. He took the call without answering. He lay there silent just listening to his voice.

“Hey, Jeremy. It’s, uh, it’s me, Kerass. Again, you know? Just wanted to check up on you. How are you? You ok?”

Jeremy didn’t answer, but he didn’t hang up either. It was good to hear his voice, but he just couldn’t. There was no more energy left to reply.

“Well, I, uh, I’m not upset and I’ll keep calling, promise. I just, well, um, I wanted, wanted to tell you that I’m doing it. Tomorrow morning I’m going to step inside for the first time in years. Would you like to try to come with me as I go back to church, as a sort of support?”

Jeremy just lay there feeling his stomach move up and down, breathing deeply.

“You don’t have to answer. You know that. Well, um, just let me know. I don’t think I’ll be able to go to sleep at all tonight as I wrestle through this decision. I haven’t stepped inside a church, since…well since…” he paused, “…since my mother’s funeral.”

A tear fell down his face. He couldn’t talk or move, but he could still feel Kerass’s pain even after 3 years.

“I, uh, I’ll call-” Kerass said choking through tears, but there was silence. He must have hung up. Jeremy gasped as the tears started flowing out, sobbing.



Glancing at the stack of letters she had received since her incarceration began, Cadence looked at the numerous times Kerass, Jay, and even Damien had written to her. They all lay unopened. She loved that they had taken the time to write to her, but she just couldn’t face them over what she did.

The letter in her hand was from someone else though. This was the first time that Gus had ever written to her. Holding her breath, she broke the seal.