The sun was setting in an extraordinary, striking vision. The pastel colors painted across the clouds in only a way that’s been captured by photography and movies and yet this was even better, the colors more vivid. Nothing, no worries about tomorrow, or the following day, would disturb the peace that was brought from this beautiful gift from above.
“Cadence!” the guard called out for her.
Nothing except that. When she opened her eyes, she saw the same familiar surroundings. Nothing but gray stone around her keeping her inside this prison.
The guard handed her a tray through a small hole in the bottom of the cell, a hole that was latched and only opened when food came. The guard told her she must eat to survive, but she couldn’t help but feel like she was treated like vermin, like a dog in the pound.
The food was atrocious, but living in the jail every day was even worse. It was pure hell, but she admitted she wouldn’t have it any other way. She had been humbled in a way few others could profess to. She didn’t know anyone else outside these walls that had committed murder. She admitted to herself that deflecting the blame, regardless of what he did to her was fruitless. He was gone now. No one would be hurt by him again, so why did she still hate him so?
His life was ended by her hands. The shot was perfectly personal. She couldn’t say that she regretted it, either, a fact that bothered her. In all the time she had thought about God and Jesus over the summer, or was it spring? She couldn’t tell. The days were becoming a blur. The passing of seasons only something to be observed by those outside of these caged entrapments. God didn’t forgive from what she read in the Old Testament, but Jesus from the New Testament did.
Examples of men from the Bible were provided to her of murderers who were forgiven by God, but how could she be forgiven by God when she hadn’t forgiven herself? She wasn’t even convinced she needed saving or forgiveness for that matter. She had created this situation for herself and she would climb out of it.
She hadn’t read any from God’s word in weeks if not months by now. If God hadn’t saved her from living in this forsaken depravity of humanity, then she wasn’t going to be saved at all. Only her dreams and fantasies prevented her from completely losing her mind.
Turning the A/C on full blast, Kerass shook his head attempting to stay awake. The drive to Evergreen Forest was always difficult. The many hours of solitude where he had nothing but his thoughts and mind to distract him was horrifying to him. He was utterly convinced one of these days he’d get in a car crash out of sheer exhaustion or just distraction from the road.
The summer was over. For the first time in his college career, he was yearning to return. It was time. It was time to leave college behind and enter the ‘real’ world, whatever that meant. Only two semesters and a summer session left and he’d finally be done.
He contemplated going to grad school, but he just couldn’t bring himself to be excited by the prospect when he was ready to leave school behind. The major wouldn’t exactly get him a stellar job, but it was something. He was ready to work.
This summer had been one of the most beautiful he’d ever experienced. Weekly he spoke with Kathleen and they prayed together over the phone. His yearning and desire for prayer also helped him reconnect with his father. They went on prayer walks together daily. He never imagined that they would’ve reconnected in that way, but that was what his mother wanted. Her presence still impacted his life, and that would never change. She’d never leave him behind and would embrace him when he entered paradise.
Even though they prayed together daily, he still had his reservations about his father. He couldn’t say his father wasn’t a believer, wasn’t a Christian, but he felt he was a very weak one. While he had forgiven his father, he couldn’t help but question the decision that was made five years prior when that plug was pulled. It just didn’t seem right to end a life like that. Forcing the end was just horrible, horrendous.
Feelings of remorse, a terrible sadness, a dark cloud hovered over him as he relived that moment again. He remembered everything, even the smell of the hospital sheets. Silently, he prayed that no one else would have to experience that.
He had to distract himself. Going through his phone contacts, he called Kathleen. She picked up on the third ring.
“You need prayer, don’t you?” Kathleen said.
Kerass stammered before he said yes. “How did you know?”
“You don’t think I know you?” she asked mischievously. “Plus, God told me someone would call me in desperate need of prayer, so I’ve had my phone ready all day just waiting for a call. I’m glad it was you, someone I’ve prayed with before. So tell me,” she paused, “what’s going on?”
“The memory hit me again.”
“Which one? You’ve had several,” she gently said.
“The day my mom died. The one in the hospital room where they-”
“They pulled the plug,” she interrupted him.
“Yeah,” he choked out as tears came down his face.
“Don’t hide your tears from me, Kerass. You know this is a safe place to be broken, vulnerable.”
“I know, but I still gotta drive,” he added with a light laugh.
“It’s hard to believe that someone so young has already suffered so much loss.”
“I don’t carry it well. I just ignore it, suppress it.”
“I don’t buy that,” she challenged him. “Actually, I was gonna say I’m surprised by how well you do carry it. You acknowledge your feelings, which is no easy feat. You let others in when things overwhelm you. In essence, you let your friends in on your grieving process. You don’t hide, not at all. You constantly ask for help and that is a bold, courageous thing to do. You should be acknowledged and validated for how truthful and vulnerable you are.”
“I just don’t know,” he sighed. “How can it not be viewed as a weakness?”
“Kerass, trust me. You have empathy and that’s better than words. It’s more than a feeling. It’s God gifted understanding.”
“Wow…” Kerass breathed. He hadn’t viewed himself that way at all, at least not before his mother had the accident. Yet here Kathleen was speaking words of life into him, building him up in a way he never did for himself. It was so easy to do it for others, but never for yourself. Instead of fighting and challenging it, he opted to accept it. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” she replied. “Shall we pray?”
“Yeah,” he said. So, he began to pray out loud with her for the campus, for his emotions. She thanked God for making him so vulnerable and empathetic. He didn’t know what he would do without her. Praying together was so intimate. He couldn’t wait for the time that they would be able to pray in person again.
Jay walked down the hallway, a hallway he had memorized every detail of. He was well aware whenever a new poster was put up or when one of the lightbulbs was going to go out. Walking down this hallway daily was something that would rapidly change for he had to go back to school. Damien was still in the hospital, laying in a bed without any recognition that anyone else was there, whether they entered or left the room, he remained stagnant.
Jay took a deep breath as he looked at Damien for the last time in a long time. He gently reached up and brushed Damien’s long hair out of his eyes. There’s no way if he were conscious he would’ve allowed his hair to grow that long.
He held Damien’s hand and stroked it. Damien’s face had forever been altered. Massive scars lay across the right side of his face. His lip had been ripped open and blood had poured out when he discovered him on the floor. While they had patched his face up, it was forever changed. He would never be the handsome man that he was.
Damien wasn’t a bad man. He was just emotional and had difficulty with denial. Jay had already forgiven him for cheating on him. Silently, he blamed himself for making Gus tell Damien it was over. Was that the thing that pushed Damien over the edge? If only he had backed out, then Damien may be smiling and laughing like he used to, but that would never happen.
Gus had been amazing. Since he had been through something similar with his uncle, he was completely understanding and gracious when it came to Damien. Gus had visited Damien a few times as well, but it was different. Jay had more of a history with him and well, he had used and manipulated Gus. Even Jay acknowledged that it wasn’t right how they had evolved as a couple.
Surprisingly enough this didn’t put a strain on his relationship. It brought them closer together as they were able to mourn together through similar experiences. All it took was one look between them, no words were spoken, and they knew that the other needed to be comforted and held while the tears came out.
They had decided to wait before they got more intimate with each other. Gus told him that it meant something with Damien, but that was tainted by the manipulation when he thought back on it. Jay had as well, but it didn’t mean anything and it was far from fun. It was painful and awkward and his friendship, if you could even call it that, with Gil never recovered.
Jay looked down at Damien’s stomach. It rose and it fell, rose and fell. How could something so simple, like the act of breathing become so amazing, wondrous, and gorgeous? When he looked up, he knew. He had to acknowledge that this simple ability wouldn’t be possible without machinery. Oh, Damien, what have you done? Jay asked pleading daily that he would respond in some way, show some sign of improvement. Yet he remained rhythmically breathing without any acknowledgement.
Looking at his watch, Jay knew it was time to say goodbye. He had to hit the road if he were to make it on time to his first class, but something gave him pause. Damien’s parents were outside the door and he couldn’t help but listen in.
Cadence walked down the hallway. She was being taken to a room where bullet proof glass separated her from anyone else who came to visit. No one visited outside of her mom, not even any of her high school friends, not even Kerass. Yet she was told she had a visitor today, someone new.
When she sat down, she saw him. Gus sat across from her.
“Hi, Cadence,” he said.
She was stunned. No words came out of her mouth, only an exhale.
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