Cadence closed her eyes letting them see what her cell refused to show her. It was breathtaking seeing color again. Yet unlike all the times before, it didn’t soothe her. She couldn’t stop thinking about her visit with Gus. It was a glimpse into a life she hadn’t been a part of for years.
This was a life that she longed to be a part of again. She wanted out of this purgatory, this punishment for her actions, but here she stayed in a changeless, hopeless environment.
If only she wasn’t here. She may have been able to talk with Damien throughout the years. There was no guarantee he wouldn’t have become depressed anyway, but maybe he’d have someone to talk with. There was a time when he trusted and loved her.
She shook her head. She was being foolish. Damien didn’t care that much about her. Their friendship had gone sour, or distant when he focused more on his relationship with Jay. Damien had changed after he accepted himself. It was strange to think on it, but he hadn’t exactly become a better person after he’d come out. He had deeply hurt someone that she loved.
Gus was now with Jay and she couldn’t believe it. Gus had never come across to her as someone who might have any gay attraction, but in the complete opposite way it made total sense. Unlike with Jay or Damien, Gus seemed perfectly comfortable with his emotions. He didn’t fight what was happening no matter who he was attracted to. If Gus developed feelings for a man, he wouldn’t be one to question it or make a big deal about it. He’d just accept it. He wasn’t one to declare to the world that he was gay, he just wanted to love the one he felt connected to. Was that so bad? Was it so wrong to refuse a label on who you were sexually, romantically, and emotionally attracted to? She refused to believe it could be wrong.
She liked to think that if she developed feelings for a woman, she’d accept it as the person she was attracted kinetically to, but in reality, she knew she’d shout it from the mountaintop. Not that she had the opportunity to do so now. The only person, or entity, she felt close to in the jail cell was someone she’d never met before and she questioned whether this person survived.
Jesus. The name carried a ton of weight. It seemed like everyone had an opinion on this man. There seemed to be two camps: one where people tried to prove he wasn’t God and never said the things he was recorded as saying in the Bible, and those who would die professing him to be God. Why couldn’t there be a third party? One where people were fearful if the power he was written to have was true, but also comforted by his words of wisdom. She wanted to live her life, if she ever got out of these walls, based on the words of Jesus, but she questioned whether many Christians actually read those words, let alone practiced them.
She needed peace in her life once again. So, she cleared her thoughts as best she could. No more worries about the life that could be or could have been, she needed to live in the present. Quickly she wandered into a dreamless sleep.
Kerass yawned as he drove down the highway.
“You’d better stay awake,” Kathleen scolded.
Kerass rolled his eyes. Just because he yawned while he drove didn’t mean that he was about to crash. He told her he was fine. “I can see everything on the road.”
“Well, you don’t have to be cocky about it.”
“What was the point of this anyway? You brought it up.”
“I know,” Kathleen paused, “but I just get nervous with long road trips.”
“Well, rest assured. We’re fine.”
Kerass turned on the radio. A top 40s channel came on. He let it stay there while the song of the summer blared.
“I hate that song,” Kathleen said as she turned the radio off.
“What is your problem?”
“Pardon me?” she asked incredulously.
“Don’t you know the rules of the road? The driver always gets to choose the music.”
“I don’t care about the rules of the road. I don’t feel comfortable with top 40. It’s full of sex without consequence, selfish pursuit, not caring about anything. It’s disgusting and it makes me feel nauseous. It takes my mind to places that I don’t like. If you want to listen to music so badly, why not put it on Christian radio?”
“I like a song or two, but I prefer the old hymns. They just seem classier and have more substance to them. Plus, I find the anchors to be fake as hell.”
“I think they’re trying to be encouraging,” she added in a singsong voice.
“I think they lie to people about how happy they are all the time. I think they avoid talking about anything with substance.”
“You’re being harsher than you normally are.”
“No, I’m just sharing my opinion.”
“No, it’s something more than just that,” she observed. “You’re scared. It registers all over your face.”
Kerass paused. While he had been truthful, it was also true that he was scared to death. He didn’t like thinking about this too hard while he was driving. It was too distracting.
“I guess you hit the nail on the head,” he conceded. “I am scared.”
“There’s nothing to be ashamed of. If you’re scared you know you’re alive. You know you’re breathing.”
“I don’t want to talk about it!” he raised his voice at her. “It distracts me from the road.”
“There’s a rest stop just up ahead. Pull in and I’ll take over driving. It’s not healthy to run away from your feelings.”
“I’m not.”
“Just do it,” she commanded.
They remained silent while he drove into the rest stop, putting the car into park.
“Now what’s really bothering you?”
“It’s too personal. It would open up the floodgates and I’m not convinced I’d be able to stop crying.”
“There’s no shame in tears, Kerass,” she gently replied. “However, if you don’t want to share, that’s ok too. I just don’t want you driving while you’re distracted.”
“Thanks,” he mumbled while he stepped out of the car. They quickly changed seats. In no time at all they were on the road again.
She turned the radio on to the Christian station.
“I told you I hate the anchors,” he stated.
“You also told me that the driver gets to choose the music, remember?” she responded raising her eyebrows at him.
He closed his eyes almost instantly getting to a deep sleep. He tried his hardest to not have her show up again, but it was too late. He was dreaming of his mother.
Jay sat in the hospital cafeteria. Sitting across from him was Gus. He continued to eat his nachos while they sat in silence together.
Wiping his face clean with his napkin, he said, “I’m sorry.” He continued saying he knew this must be super awkward for him.
“Not necessarily. Missing school to be with you is fun, a dream come true even. But just being here around him, a man who at a time meant something but ultimately harmed me. It’s just a lot, ok? I don’t like being here.”
“You’re uncle and everything?”
“That’s only part of it,” Gus exhaled running his hand through his hair. “Damien and I started to connect after he saw me visiting my uncle in the hospital and now Damien is in a similar situation. I just don’t like hospitals and I never will.”
“I’m sorry,” Jay sighed. “I’m just so sorry. I’m sorry I asked you to come here to be with me.”
“I’m not sorry. Funnily enough, I questioned whether you still cared for me, wanted me.”
“Whatever made you think otherwise?”
“I don’t want to sound too cruel, but…” he paused.
“Go ahead and say it,” Jay encouraged him.
“It scared me, what Damien did. I wasn’t sure if you’d still choose me after that. It was just too heavy of a thought to bear, being alone.”
“You’ll never be alone when you’re with me, trust me, Gus. I’m so glad you told me you were feeling those doubts. Yes, I’m upset over Damien. Partially I feel responsible.”
“You shouldn’t. I’m responsible.”
“No, dear Gus. The truth is Damien is responsible for what he did, but I don’t want to see him punished with the loss of his life. I don’t want to watch them pull the plug on him.”
“I know. I’m sorry I’ve been so selfish.”
“Don’t even worry or fret. I understand how you feel. I’ve lost a boyfriend before, remember? Just rest assured that you mean everything to me. This stuff with Damien will pass eventually. I just hope it ends with my preferred outcome in mind. You’re still the one, my one and only.”
Gus smiled. “You’re my one and only, too.”
Kerass jolted awake. The dream had been wonderful, but it quickly vanished from his mind. Within seconds he could no longer think about what had even happened in the dream.
“Glad to see you’ve joined the land of the awake again,” Kathleen said.
“Yep, sure,” he added. As he wiped the sleep out of his eyes, it dawned on him. The only person who could convince Damien’s parents not to go through with it, would be someone who had gone through with it themselves. He needed to call his father right away.
He quickly pulled out his phone and called his father. Unfortunately, it went straight to voicemail.
“Dad, uh, hi. Um, please just call me as soon as you get this message,” he said while he hung up.
“What was that about?”
“You’ll see.”
An hour passed. Within that time he was able to forget about his troubles. He even laughed with Kathleen. The trip still moved so slowly, but at least he wasn’t overwhelmed.
It was then that his father called him back. Kerass picked up on the first ring.
“Son, are you all right? Are you safe?” his father asked.
“Yes, I am.”
“Good,” his father exhaled. “What’s going on?”
“You’ve heard about Damien, right?”
“Oh, yeah, I heard about that. His parents have asked for prayer on that.”
“You know his parents?”
“Of course I do. They started attending my church about a year and a half ago.”
Kerass sighed. “Oh, Dad, this is so hard.”
“Just say it, Kerass.”
“They’re thinking of pulling the plug on him.”
“I’ve heard about that, too.”
Kerass paused. How could his father not have intervened when he knew they were looking to end his life! He closed his eyes trying to quiet his frustrations and concentrate on the task at hand.
“I want you to convince them not to do it.”
“I don’t think that’s any of my business.”
“Bullshit, Dad. You’re their pastor. They’re your sheep. Shepherd them. Lead them.”
“What is it exactly that you’re asking me to do?”
“I want you to admit that you pulled the plug on Mom and I want you to be honest about how it impacted me and our relationship.”
“If I admitted that, it would ruin my career.”
“I want you to do it. For me.”
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