Staring at him while the time passed them by did nothing to calm her nerves. Neither of them spoke a word to each other. She hadn’t even told him hello in reply.
“Are we just going to look at each other this whole time?” Gus asked bluntly.
“No,” she finally let out. She told him she was sorry, but words had been difficult to form in her mind. “I just, well, I can’t believe you’re here.”
“I know,” Gus nodded. “I just couldn’t leave Oak Stream for the end of my college career without seeing you again.”
“You guys are seniors now?” she asked.
“Yep,” Gus raised his eyebrows. “Hard to believe, isn’t it?”
“I’ve lost track of time. It’s been the longest two years of my life and the quickest all at once. Anyway, enough about me, tell me about you and the others.”
“Well…” Gus exhaled. “There’s a lot to fill you in on.”
“Why don’t you just begin with you?” she challenged him.
“This is hard to say, Cadence.”
“Harder than to admit you murdered someone?” she raised one eyebrow at him.
“No,” he sighed. “I guess you’ve got more courage than me on that. It’s strange to tell you since we used to, well you know, date each other.”
“You’re seeing someone? Who’s the lucky lady?”
“Actually, it’s a great guy. You know him, too.”
“Let me guess…” she continued with disdain, “Damien?”
“Not currently, but we did date for a while.”
“Did you?”
“Yes,” Gus nodded. “I slept with him.”
“So, what you’re gay?”
Gus paused and inhaled. “I don’t like being tied down by that. I believe in connection, not labels.”
“So who else?”
“It’s Jay.”
“Oh, really?” she raised her eyebrows.
“Yeah, he’s sweet and kind. He’s been really gentle and patient with me and we haven’t yet. He’s much more willing to take it slow, unlike Damien who to be perfectly straightforward just sort of manipulated me into the whole thing. Jay doesn’t play that way. He’s honest and pure.”
“That’s just not the way I remember him.”
“Yeah, well, people change. You sure did.”
“I did, huh?”
“Of course,” Gus said. “You stood up for yourself in an abusive relationship. My relationship with Damien wasn’t to the same extent, but I know how much guts it requires to speak up for yourself and say enough is enough. I’m through. You’re much bolder, albeit braver, than you were in high school and I think that’s completely commendable.”
Cadence paused for a moment. She thought about what he said about her shooting him being an act of boldness or bravery, but she didn’t view it that way. She found it to be completely cowardice. They had ended well before she shot him. That bullet was out of revenge, not self-defense and she knew that. For that she could never forgive herself. Even though she had in essence prevented others from his fists, his anger, she had caused his death for no reason at all other than satisfaction.
“I guess I don’t agree,” she replied to him.
“What? How come?”
“Because I murdered him. We were over and he wasn’t putting up a fight to let me go or anything. He had walked out of my life easily and I took my revenge. It felt good, glorious even.”
“I think you’re too hard on yourself. You did something to protect not only yourself but others from harm. You should be praising yourself, not tearing yourself down.”
“I just don’t think that way,” she said looking away at the wall.
“I don’t mean to change the subject so suddenly, but I thought you should know that when I told Damien it was over, it was only a few hours later when he shot himself.”
“What?” Cadence snapped her head back.
“He’s alive, as alive as you can be after something like that. He’s still breathing, just not on his own.”
“He’s hooked up to machinery.”
“Yeah,” Gus sniffled. “He’s in a coma and I can’t help but think it’s my fault. I put him there by ending it.”
“No,” Cadence shook her head. “Why don’t you take your own advice? You took control of your life and now you’re with someone who treats you with respect. Nothing is more beautiful than that.”
“Thank you, Cadence. To be honest, the reason I’ve stayed away is because I didn’t think you’d accept me dating men. I remember how negatively you reacted when Damien started dating Jay back when we were sophomores in high school.”
“That was a lifetime ago.”
“Indeed. So much has changed and yet in a lot of ways things are still the same. I can still talk with you and not feel judged.”
“I would never look down on you for dating men. I may look down on the man that you choose to date, but it wouldn’t be because he was a man.”
“I know that now.”
“What we had when we dated, it was special. It was the happiest time in my life.”
“What we had was magic. I love Jay, really, but we haven’t gotten to that kinetic spark, that energy yet. We had something between us that was undeniably real. It makes me smile when I think back on it.”
“Me too,” she beamed. “I dream about the water tower and the ATV ride at midnight.”
“It’s good memories.”
“Filled with, as you put it, magic.”
“I can’t say we were right for each other in the long run, but when we were connected there was no force on earth that was stronger.”
Cadence started to cry at that. She hadn’t felt this type of connection with a guy in years and he wasn’t available, not only that but he no longer played for her team. Yet he made her feel beautiful and precious.
“I came to visit you,” Gus stated, “because I knew you were the only person who would understand what I was going through with Damien. Not just because we both dated him, but because of what you did. You’re my hero, Cadence. I didn’t want to leave for college without telling you that.”
Cadence wiped the tears away from her eyes. It was a huge statement and she wasn’t quite sure how to take it.
“So,” she said, “is this goodbye?”
“No,” he shook his head. “Not if I can help it.”
Sitting on a bench in the park, Jay stared at the oak tree that was losing its leaves. The season was changing. He had missed the first two days of classes and he would miss more. Things were different now and he couldn’t help but fear for the worst.
Every day could be the last. Damien’s parents wanted to pull the plug, to end his misery. Yet to Jay, it wasn’t misery. He counted every moment as joy to be with him even when he didn’t react at all. What he had with Damien was magic, even though it hadn’t been in a long time. There was a moment, more than one in the times they’d been on and off again that they were so connected to each other that nothing else mattered in the whole world.
Gus was his boyfriend now, though, a fact that he daren’t forget. What he had with Gus was greater than magic, it was beautiful and awe-inspiring. He hadn’t neglected that. He called Gus daily, but they were both in the same boat. With a mutual former lover in such a precarious situation, it was hard to move at all. It was impossible to move backwards and erase what had occurred, but in the same vein it felt impossible to move forward.
So, he sat there on the bench wasting away. Nothing mattered more than the fact that he was breathing. Gus, himself, and most importantly, Damien were all breathing, but that could quickly change. If only he could do something about it! If only he knew someone who might be able to talk to Damien’s parents, discuss the repercussions of such a definitive course of action.
Then it dawned on him. There was one person, only one. One who knew exactly what this felt like. One who he knew would be there if he asked.
Kerass watched as one of the leaves above him, goldenrod in color, fell. He blew at it causing it to float upward for a moment before it descended to the stone pathway.
“Having fun, are we?” Kathleen asked him.
“You know it!” he giddily replied. He added that it was a beautiful day. The sun was out, magnificent clouds peppered the sky. “How can I not embrace this day as a wondrous gift from the Lord?”
“You are growing, Kerass. By his grace, you have grown over this summer!” she replied delightfully.
“I’m still the same guy I always was,” he said self-consciously.
“No, you’re not. You’re more of the man who you were always made to be. A man made in God’s image. One who worships outwardly without fear of what others think. One who embraces joy without regret or consequence. You’re one of a kind.”
“So are you, Kathleen.”
“Like I don’t know that?” she said with a twirl.
Kerass laughed. He had never felt more relaxed than when he did when he was with her. She was a gift and he hoped he didn’t waste his time with her, but delighted in her fully.
“How’s the church hunt going?” she asked him.
“It’s going. I’ve visited Grace Hill a couple of times, but I feel more drawn to Our Savior. There’s something nostalgic about that place. In many ways it feels like home.
“A little bit of magic on this side of paradise?”
“No, a glimpse of my real home with Him.”
“You have changed. That’s for sure.”
“Whatever you say.”
“You have a joy about you that didn’t exist when I first met you. It’s been wondrous to watch that evolution.”
“Well, I thank you.”
“Not a problem. I just call ‘em like I see ‘em.”
“Which church do you attend again?”
“It’s called Grace and it is home, like you said. But I think we have many homes. I view every church I’ve attended as a piece of home. More people who are a part of the family as we get to celebrate and worship together. What brings people closer together than that common faith. I don’t think anything is stronger than that bond.”
“You said it, I didn’t.”
“What? Do you disagree or something?” she challenged him.
“Yeah, I do,” he nodded.
“What? What’s stronger than that bond, the unbreakable bond of the family of faith?”
“Oh, I don’t know…” he paused. “Romance? Love? In all of its different iterations and expressions, I’m convinced nothing is stronger than two becoming one.”
“Ok, well you’re wrong, but that’s ok.”
Kerass jumped as his cell phone went off blaring More by Matthew West.
“I approve,” Kathleen nodded. “It’s a classic.”
“It’s Matthew. He’s the best,” he added quickly before he picked up the phone. “Jay!” he exclaimed. “Where have you been?”
“I stayed behind for a few days,” he said monotone. He added that he had never felt so alone before as he choked crying.
“Wait, calm down,” Kerass gently commanded. “Start over. Tell me what’s going on.”
“They’re thinking of pulling the plug on Damien.”
“You don’t have to say anything else. I’m heading there now,” he said.
“Thanks, just hurry!” Jay pleaded with him.
“I will. I promise,” he said as he hung up the phone.
“What’s happening?” Kathleen asked gently.
“You remember how often we prayed for Damien, the guy who shot himself, over the summer?”
“Of course,” she nodded.
“His parents are thinking of ending his life.”
“I’ll go with you.”
“No, you don’t have to.”
“Listen to me, Kerass. I’m with you through the good and the bad. Let me come with you.”
Kerass nodded.
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