Seasons pass. As quickly as you get used to living in winter it turns to spring. People live and people die. Nothing lasts forever. You really have no control over anything. Walking through the pathways, seeing the sunlight brighten the vibrant green leaves all around him, Kerass dwelled on how little power, how little control he had over his life, his destiny, if you will.
While he strongly believed nothing is eternal, he questioned whether the religion he was basing his life on had validity in the long run. It was taught that God was eternal. Souls lasted forever. According to the teachings, you either lived eternally at peace with God or experienced eternal damnation.
Things in college were rapidly coming to a close. It was going to be the end of a major chapter in his life. He would no longer be in school, would no longer be a student. While there was a celebratory nature about it, he couldn’t help but mourn over the end of school. It was true, he had to grow up quickly when his mother got in the accident. His life was forever changed when the plug was pulled, but he had reconciled with his father. When Damien was in the coma after he shot himself, that only solidified that nothing lasts forever, not even the coma. For now Damien was conscious, awake. He had been for a week now. Kerass had praised God for brining Damien back to them alive and finally able to breathe on his own again, but there was a question lingering in the back of his mind, one that refused to let him go, one that doubted in the goodness of God.
While God did an extraordinary, amazing thing by allowing Damien to live, he couldn’t help but wonder if Damien would spend eternity in heaven or in hell. He fully believed that God dictated whether people lived or died. God had completely written the story of people’s lives. There were no surprises to God. Some people believed and even taught that God loved everybody, but Kerass wasn’t convinced that was true. The Bible had some very harsh words for homosexuals. There were also some pro-slavery passages within the text. It was all very confusing. The Bible proclaimed for a man to lay with another man as being an abomination. Some people proclaimed that was then and that we should interpret the Bible differently now, but that seemed like a huge slippery slope. The moment you question one part of the text, how could you not question the entirety of it? What if Jesus wasn’t truly God? What if he was only a man? An extraordinary teacher, no doubt, but was that something worthy of basing your entire life over?
Damien, a man with numerous flaws, had been the only one who truly helped him when he was in the abusive relationship with Jez. The only one to challenge him and question him was Damien. Had it not been for Damien’s bluntness, he may never have ended things with Jez. He may never have been there for Lyra at the end of her story, her journey.
He couldn’t deny that he had experienced God. There were some amazing moments where he felt God spoke to him directly, yet certain aspects of his word gave him pause. Could someone like Damien, as wonderful and broken as he is, truly receive eternal damnation simply for being gay? That message didn’t seem to jive with everything Jesus taught about embracing the other in love, welcoming all into the family. Nothing about eternal damnation made any sense to him.
Kathleen, who he had continued to do prayer walks with weekly, was far from gentle. She even outright condemned homosexual activity to gay couples’ faces. They met up much more frequently before that happened. Kerass had called her out, but she stood firm that she was correct and that she didn’t need to apologize to them for they were the ones in the wrong, the ones openly embracing a lifestyle of sin and defiance to God. Kerass just didn’t believe that to be true. Nothing about homosexuality was black and white. There was no evidence that it was genetic, but there wasn’t evidence that it wasn’t either. There was no proof that it was purely environmental, but there wasn’t proof that it wasn’t either. People were just people. Men and women alike were a reflection of the face of God. God himself was beauty, diversity, and inclusion all at once. People were supposed to be told of the wonders of God and how much he cared for them, not about how broken they were, not that he believed being gay was brokenness. It may not be as God initially created, but who was to say that God was not creative enough to add new ways of expression love and devotion to each other?
The more he thought about it, the more it became clear that God was real. He was alive. He was worthy of all praise. Kerass couldn’t get behind people’s thoughts of judgement, arrogance, and condemnation. His thoughts on the subject of homosexuality had changed dramatically over the years. When Jay kissed him during their freshmen year of high school, it came as a total shock. Jay even admitted to him later on that it was inappropriate to just spring a kiss on him. Instead of viewing it as something that was just disgusting and beneath him, he now thought it was nothing more than just a difference in preference. It wasn’t something worthy of the scorn and ridicule people received for simply expressing their love in a unique albeit different way. Truly what was the difference between homosexual and heterosexual people? They just seemed like humans, people in need of love, in need of knowing how much God cared for them, in knowing how much God sacrificed for them. Kerass was fully convinced that Jesus would’ve been friends with homosexuals. He even thought Jesus would attend a gay wedding.
Kerass pulled out his cell phone, texting Damien, Jay, and Gus the same thing: You are worthy. You are loved and adored by God. Rest in that. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Jay replied back immediately telling him thank you. Gus was quick to follow telling him how much he valued his friendship and acceptance. He went on to apologize that they hadn’t talked recently. Finally Damien responded saying he was crying as the words were so beautiful to him. He went into a soliloquy about the history of their tumultuous friendship. The next four words astounded him: You’re my best friend.
Jay sat across from Gus as the final week of classes came to a close. They raised their fast food drinks and mimicked clinking glasses together. Smiles and laughter instantly followed.
“Congratulations, Gus,” Jay began. He continued telling him he had worked very hard to get to this point and all of that hard work had finally paid off. “You’ve just completed your final class of your undergraduate ever. Do you feel a sense of accomplishment?”
“Well, when you put it that way, I guess the answer is yes,” Gus said, “but it’s far from over. I still have five finals and a capstone paper to complete before I can officially be declared an alumnus.”
“You and your big words. No wonder you became an English major.”
“It’s been my life’s passion since before I could remember to share the joy of storytelling with others. That only solidified in high school English classes. Perhaps one of these days, I’ll become a teacher myself.”
“I’ll never understand why you didn’t become an education major in the first place.”
“Isn’t it obvious?”
Jay shook his head.
“It’s quite simple, really, if you think about it. It’s simply that I enjoy reading and talking about stories. I’m not convinced I’d be able to get others to care about stories themselves.”
“I’m gonna call bs on that.”
“Here we go again,” Gus mumbled to himself.
“I’m your boyfriend. It’s my job to encourage you and build you up, give you pep talks and all that jazz.”
“Go ahead.”
“Well, it just seems that you’ve lost some of your edge. You were very daring and seemed so sure of yourself in high school. I was always quite jealous of you because you seemed to know what you wanted without a doubt crossing your mind.”
“You never told me that before.”
“Well, there’s a first time for everything.”
“I didn’t know that you knew who I was in high school. I always spent more time with Cadence and Kerass than I ever did with you.”
“Yeah, well, I can’t deny that even when I was with Damien in high school, I thought about you and how attracted I was to you. You just seemed so far off like I would never get a chance with you. I had no inclination that you were gay at the time.”
“I wouldn’t exactly put that label on me,” Gus sheepishly replied.
“Why? What’s wrong with it?”
“Nothing, I guess. I just wouldn’t call myself gay. I’d call myself open.”
“Whatever. I just think that somewhere along the lines you’ve lost your self-confidence and I’d love to help you get it back.”
“I don’t know if that’s possible.”
Jay exhaled. This had meant to be a celebration. He knew that they weren’t endgame. Maybe they never had been. He was going to wait until after they’d graduated before he broke it off with him. Knowing that Damien was awake now, he couldn’t deny that he had unresolved feelings for him. They had proposed to each other once, but looking at Gus now, seeing the pain in his eyes, he didn’t know if that was possible. He couldn’t think of leaving him, not right now. He leaned his hand out to caress Gus’s cheek, but Gus pushed his hand away.
“This is so hard, Jay.”
“Don’t say it.”
“I don’t want to be in a gay relationship anymore. I’m breaking up with you.”
“What?”
Cadence knew internally that her friends were about to graduate from college. She should be proud of them, but deep inside she felt bitterness and jealousy as her life had turned out completely different. She hadn’t received any visits outside of her mother for seven months now. She wanted to be the type of person who wasn’t bothered by something so small, so trivial, but an expectation had been set and she was crushed, devastated when it was broken. But all of that was about to change as she was led once again for an unprompted visit. It wasn’t her mother, for she was always made aware of when she’d come.
When she sat down across from her latest visitor, she instantly picked up the phone.
“Hello, Damien.”
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