Cadence walked down the hallway. For the second time in less than a month, she had a visitor who wasn’t her mother. She had felt so distant from the reality outside of the prison walls that she wasn’t quite sure who she was without her old friends from high school. They had moved on, continued to grow, yet she remained stagnant, still as a mill pond without a breath of wind. This had to change. It must. No matter what happened, no matter how long she stayed here for her punishment, she made a commitment to herself that she would live, that she would survive long enough to walk out. One way or another she would achieve this, but the how and when were undetermined.
She exhaled as she sat across from Kerass who greeted her with a smile. It was difficult to smile back, but she forced herself to do it.
“It’s been a long time,” he commented. He continued to ask her how she was.
“How does it look?” she asked with a grimace on her face.
“Ok, I guess that’s a plausible response. Gus told me you seemed much more upbeat when he visited you. I just thought that maybe I could swing by while I wait to try and cheer you up.”
“You still haven’t heard the word yet on Damien?”
“No, but I honestly don’t want to talk about him,” he paused. “I want to talk about you.”
“What is there to say?” she challenged him. “I’m in jail for a crime that I committed. I turned myself in. I hid and buried the body. My life stopped. You all continue to grow and I’m just left here without the sun or water to help me flourish. I’m like a withered plant that refuses to die.”
“Well, that’s one way to look at it.”
“Don’t tell me you think I have potential…” she said rolling her eyes. “I’ve heard it all before, but where’s the harm in admitting that I’m leaps and bounds behind you guys from a developmental standpoint? I’m broken and sometimes I believe that I can’t be patched up again, made whole again. I haven’t been whole my entire life, my very existence has been plagued by mistakes, and horrible violations of my body. My soul is yearning for understanding, for someone to reach down and say ‘I get it,’ but nobody does. I am worthless,” she exhaled as she let her eyes well up.
“No,” Kerass shook his head. “You’re not. I know that. Gus knows that. But you are right about something, you are broken, but all of us are. There is one person, one name that can help, but I fear you don’t want to hear about it.”
“Why would you think that?”
“You had no interest in it when we were dating in high school.”
“Well, that was a long time ago.”
“And yet, you say that you’re stagnant and that you haven’t grown.”
Was it even possible? Had she truly grown since then? She was different. She knew she had been humbled immensely, but she couldn’t pinpoint why. Her life before and after high school felt like one of those outrageous Greek tragedies that only English majors read and never for pleasure. Sometimes it didn’t seem real, all the things that had already happened to her in the short span of time that was her life.
“I haven’t grown as much as you all have,” she whispered more to herself than to him.
“Why is it a competition? Does it matter who grows more? I don’t think it does. All that matters is you,” at this he pointed at her heart, “have grown. What a beautiful thing it is to witness that you recognize your faults and have deep sorrow for them. Just don’t let them tear you down. That’s not what we’re supposed to do with that.”
“Which name?” she asked him.
“Jesus,” he replied.
At the very utterance of the name, she felt goosebumps all over her body. She couldn’t explain why this was, but she couldn’t deny it anymore either. There was a power to that name, a power over her that no other name had before.
“Did you really just come to visit me just to talk about Jesus?” she asked trying her hardest not to think on it.
“No, that wasn’t the only reason. Sure it was part of it, but I really just wanted to see how you were doing. I’m glad you shared with me so freely.”
“I always could,” she said.
“Aren’t you glad we’re out of high school with all that petty bullshit behind us?”
“No, I’m not,” she locked eyes with him. “Because I know what comes after.”
“Hey,” he said softly. “The ending’s not written yet. Don’t lose hope just yet. I haven’t lost hope for Damien.”
“Maybe you should,” she said in spite of herself. “Why don’t you give up on people even when they manipulate you the way that Damien manipulated all of you?
“I don’t know, really,” he paused. “Maybe, uh, maybe it’s just because I don’t want to live in a world where my God gives up on me despite how many times I rebel against him. Maybe I want to give his peace, his joy, his light to others. He’s given me joy beyond recognition and I just want everyone to experience that level of intimacy.”
“You don’t think you can get that through sex?” she challenged.
“That’s just a different king of intimacy. This is one where you’re fully known, fully loved and cherished. Only he can make us whole again. I have a sense that you know that already.”
“Let’s just say I’ve read that story before.”
“Well, good then. Read it again and again and again. Read it until you’ve memorized it and yet still you won’t stop learning from it.”
“You do take after your father, that’s for sure.”
“I’ll try and take that as a compliment, as difficult as that is to do. I just don’t want you to give up on your life just yet, not before you’ve even lived it. I think you’re closer to freedom than you think.”
“You heard rumors from the courts?”
“No, this type of freedom doesn’t come from man. Think on it?”
Cadence shook her head. She really didn’t want to give in or surrender. Not yet.
Jay walked around the hospital grounds. The scenery was breathtaking. Kerass had asked Jay if he’d mind spending time with Kathleen while he went to visit with Cadence. Jay didn’t really mind, but it was sort of awkward. He didn’t know Kathleen at all and she was so much more religious than he ever was or ever wanted to be for that matter. Kerass had warned him that she was really intense, but that excited Jay more than scared him. Jay was drawn to passionate people. It didn’t matter if they were passionate about equal rights for the LGBTQIA community, for theater, or for Jesus. As long as they were passionate, he felt he could get along with anybody.
“You seem tense, Jay,” Kathleen observed.
“You really didn’t need to say that out loud,” he said shaking his head. He asked her why she would be so blunt about it.
“Blunt, what an interesting word choice.”
“Kerass was right,” he observed. “You are intense.”
“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”
“It’s neither here nor there. It just is.”
“Well, what were you expecting of me?” she asked him.
“I was prepared that you’d be very passionate about Jesus. That I knew before he dropped you off here with me, but I didn’t anticipate you being able to read me so well.”
“It’s not me who reads you, but the Spirit of God, the Holy Spirit that dwells inside me who reads you.”
“I guess that’s possible.”
“It’s not only possible. It’s probable. I’m not that sharp, but He is sharp within me. He’s all I need.”
“I just don’t see the need for any one god. I need people, not entities.”
“You are right, we do need people. They are creations, reflections of the living, breathing God. He is not dead, make no mistake. He is very much alive.”
“According to you,” he said. “Muslims, Jews, and many other religions would disagree with you.”
“God doesn’t,” she boldly replied.
Jay thought that was incredibly arrogant. How could she claim so confidently that God agreed with her viewpoint and not all the others? Would not all the other passionate people in other religions feel the exact same way? He watched as a dove descended on a tree branch only a few inches away from his face. He hoped it wouldn’t poop on his shoes. All the same, he couldn’t stop himself from looking at the serene beauty of this small winged creature. How it got so close to him and wasn’t scared was beyond him.
Kathleen stepped up. He held his hand out for fear that she would spook it away. Yet, she took his hand off her and continued to step forward to the tree. Leaning on her tiptoes, she reached out and pet the tiny body of the dove. It chirped its appreciation. Kathleen beamed and just like that the dove took flight again.
“I believe the Holy Spirit has visited us in the form of this dove. You know the story?”
“I do,” Jay nodded. It was one of the few Biblical stories he did know. “The Holy Spirit descended as a dove on Jesus right after he was baptized.”
“Do you think he was attempting to say anything to you?”
“No, because I don’t think it was the Holy Spirit. I just think it was a dove, a beautiful dove at that, but all doves are beautiful.”
“You have much to learn,” she said not straying from her gaze. She looked into him like she could see his very soul.
“Please stop looking at me like that,” he asked.
“Why?” she asked raising one eyebrow at him.
“It makes me uncomfortable.”
Kerass stepped into his father’s house after having dropped Kathleen off at a church member’s house. She didn’t feel comfortable sleeping in the same house as Kerass. It made her ‘nervous’. He wasn’t sure whether to take that as a compliment or not.
His father walked in from the kitchen handing Kerass an apple.
“No thanks, Dad,” Kerass mumbled.
“More for me then,” he replied taking a bite. He continued to describe the apple as scrumptious.
“Have you talked to Damien’s parents yet?”
His father swallowed and set the apple down on the table. “I meet with them tomorrow morning and then in the evening, I have a member’s meeting to explain what I’ve done.”
“I’ll go with you.”
“You don’t have to,” his father sighed. “I know that decision made you hate me for years.”
“Not anymore. I don’t hate you. I may even be proud of you.”
“You’ll come to support me?”
Kerass nodded.
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