Rain poured on campus. Droplets danced across the window of Jay’s dorm room. The plan to meet up with Gil and Francis was a bust due to the weather. They were the ones to cancel on him, not the other way around. Jay didn’t mind getting a little wet, especially to spend time with people, but Gil just said that they would reschedule for another time.
Lying on his bed, Jay patted the mattress, trying to keep his mind off of schoolwork, away from boredom. Yet he felt he couldn’t move. There was just something that irked him. He had avoided thinking about it for far too long. Something was going on with Damien. His mind raced to the worst, but this was Damien, the most loyal, greatest boyfriend in the world. Why then wouldn’t he return his calls? If only it was just schoolwork, the stresses of senior year weighing down upon his shoulders. Why then couldn’t he find comfort in talking with Jay? He could help distract Damien from any stress. They just weren’t in a healthy spot and honestly, he didn’t know if they’d ever get out of this valley.
He couldn’t help but blame himself for this. Although it was a hopeless prospect, he found himself completely infatuated with Gus. Gus made him feel known, wanted, safe. Damien was certainly sweet and loyal, but he felt a much stronger emotional draw and connection towards Gus. If Gus were gay, there’d be no reason to stay with Damien, but seeing as Gus was definitively straight, it was utterly pointless and unfair to him to even fantasize what it would be like to be with him. Yet, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t get Gus out of his head. Screw it. Who cares how unfair it is? Damien hadn’t returned any of his calls.
Turning to his side, he grabbed his phone off his dresser. What would it hurt to call? He stared at his contacts. The most recent outgoing call was to Damien. The most recent incoming call was from Gus. No, he had gone down this path before. He couldn’t begin this without discussing with Damien. It would be the best of both worlds if Damien was open to the thought of a polyamorous relationship, but he was so traditional. Jay knew deep down that there was just no way he could commit to one person.
Deciding at the last moment, his thumb pressed Damien’s name, in spite of his sexual drive, his overwhelming desires. He heard it ring twice before it went straight to voicemail.
“Listen, Damien,” Jay began. He continued saying he knew he’d been annoying for calling multiple times and leaving a plethora of messages. “We really need to talk. It’s hard for me to remain faithful to you when you’re so emotionally and physically distant. Please, just call me back. We really need to talk this out.”
Jay hung up. Five seconds hadn’t past before he pressed Gus’s name. Who was he fooling? He couldn’t help himself. To his relief, Gus picked up on the first ring.
“Jay, listen bud, I’m not on campus right now,” Gus said apologetically. “Can I call you back later? I’m so sorry. I totally spaced on our run today.”
“Sure, uh, where are you, if you don’t mind my asking?” Jay asked. He continued saying it was hard to hear him with all the static on the other end.
“I’m at another campus visiting a very dear friend.”
“Oh, ok. I guess I’ll just call you later.”
“No,” Gus commanded. “I’ll call you, buddy.”
“Well, that’s, uh, great,” Jay replied unsure of how to reply. “I’ll await your-” he began, but it was too late. The dial tone disrupted his sentence.
Tossing the football in the air in one of the lulls between storms, watching Jeremy go long, it felt so good in his hands again. Kerass beamed. The pressure was off. He once again found the joy in the game. No more expectations. He would only play for fun, and Jeremy had improved greatly since their senior year, at least since the first game, which had been the only one he watched. This wasn’t a game though. Instead of eating to process, they went out on the quad, threw the ball to each other and talked through what was going on. Jeremy was a great accountability partner. He never failed at asking the difficult questions.
“Have you thought about it this week?” Jeremy asked tossing the football to him.
“No,” Kerass replied. “I’ve even let this grow out to help keep my thoughts pure,” he added touching his beard.
“Did you get rid of your razor?”
Kerass nodded, tossing the football back.
“Good,” Jeremy encouraged. “Let it grow out if it prevents you from harming yourself.”
“What about you?” he asked.
“Me? Well, I, uh, I relapsed last night.”
“Get rid of it.”
“It’s not that simple,” Jeremy tossed the football back.
“Yes, it is. Looking clean shaven isn’t worth the risk to harm yourself.”
“No, Kerass, I joined ROTC. I have to be clean shaven,” Jeremy replied. “Just keep asking me.”
“Why? Why’d you do it?”
“Because I wanted to feel something. I don’t even feel pain anymore.”
“Can’t you just give it over to God?” he asked throwing the ball underhanded to Jeremy.
“What a stupid question,” Jeremy said whilst dropping the ball.
“Why is it stupid?”
“Because it’s just not that simple.”
“Why not? Why can’t it be?”
“Because…” Jeremy sighed, sitting down on the grass with his knees up. “Life just doesn’t work that way. Christian life especially, at least not for me.”
“Have you ever really tried?” Kerass asked sitting cross-legged beside him.
“Yes.”
“Is that an honest answer?”
“Yes!” Jeremy screeched defiantly standing up. “It’s not a switch that just gets turned off. It’s a continual throbbing temptation to feel. When I can’t feel God near, I just go to the razor. Exercise, the rigorous activity of the ROTC, that helps distract me a bit. Yet, when I’m alone in my dorm room, sometimes it feels like the only escape.”
“How can you be so honest about it and still hide it away from God?” Kerass asking standing up beside him.
“It’s not black and white.”
“Why not?”
“Can you forgive your father for what he did to you?”
“That’s different,” Kerass replied averting eye contact.
“No, it’s a gray area, just like this is. See the truth is, Kerass, I don’t think this is just gonna go away easily. The enemy won’t allow that.”
“From the way you talk, it sounds like the enemy’s already won.”
“Oftentimes I wonder.”
“Do you talk to Jaden about it?”
“No,” Jeremy exhaled. “I don’t want her to ever know about this.”
“Call her,” Kerass implored. “If you are serious about dating her you need to be able to share prayer requests with her.”
“I can’t,” Jeremy shook his head. “You’re asking too much of me.”
“I know you can do it. I’ve seen you be honest before. Call her.”
Damien stared at Gus. He was averting the question, as usual.
“Why are you hiding from me?”
“Because…” Gus sighed. “You saw me cry before and I don’t want you to see that again.”
“Still no change with your uncle Jake, huh?” Damien asked. He continued saying he knew it must be incredibly difficult.
“Look, Damien,” Gus grunted, frustrated. “That’s not why I came here. I didn’t come up here to discuss Jake. I came here because being close with you, letting you in, I felt something that I’ve never felt before and I wanted to explore that, but I just don’t know.”
“What are you saying,” Damien paused, his heart racing, “exactly?”
“I’m not convinced I’m straight anymore,” Gus replied brimming with tears.
“Gus, are you?” Damien asked, his heart racing with joy and hope. “Are you gay?”
Locking eyes with him, Gus leaned over and cried in his shoulder. Damien held him close, not daring to let him go. He wouldn’t mind holding him forever. Jay’s smile came to mind at that moment. But Jay didn’t need him, Gus did. Jay didn’t need help out of the closet. Perhaps his therapist was right. Damien began to doubt everything about why he was holding back on sex while he held Gus in his arms. Everything he was feeling, the elation of it all, he felt guilty, but his feelings of joy overpowered any depravity he felt about taking advantage of the situation. He knew he could give himself physically to Gus, but that road he wanted on, it was a long way down and he was just at the crest of the mountain. It would take a long time to get to the valley. He no longer felt guilt or shame about wanting gay sex. No, he had never been a traditional boy, one to follow the rules. Rules were meant to be twisted and broken anyway.
The walk to Droplet every week became easier as fall semester sped towards the holidays. He never wanted to walk with his friends, opting instead to spend that time reflecting, talking with God. The conversations never lasted long. It felt weird talking with God. He never heard a voice speak back to him, but oddly enough he truly felt God was dialoguing with him anyway. He felt heard, wanted, loved. It was so weird saying that about something, someone he couldn’t even see, but he couldn’t help it. His relationship with God when he was in high school, when he claimed he was a Christian looked nothing like what he was doing now. He actually looked forward to reading the scriptures, learning new things about God, not just facts about him, but honestly ways to walk with him, to have a true relationship, friendship even with him. Kerass never thought that was possible.
Brimming with tears, he exhaled, wiping his eyes clean. Something changed in him and he couldn’t explain it other than he felt overwhelmed being close to God. A gift he would never take for granted again, he swore to himself.
Before he knew it he stood outside watching all the people gather to the entrance. Taking just a moment to compose himself, thanking God for the gift that this group of peers was to each other, even if they didn’t mean much to him, he was glad they had each other. Still an outsider, he inhaled trying to accept that it was all right. He had his own group of friends. Droplet didn’t mean everything, nor should it.
“Kerass!” Jeremy called out to him, beckoning him over with a two-fingered wave.
“Uh, hey man,” Kerass stammered. This wasn’t like him, why did he feel so uncomfortable being here? This was a safe place, but he still felt so alone.
“You were right. I’m calling her tonight after the meeting.”
“Proud of you, buddy.”
“Thanks,” he whispered in reply, hugging him.
“Anyway, why are you standing here all by yourself?” Jeremy asked. He implored him to come join the group.
“There’s just not that many people I trust, honestly. I’ve always been that way.”
“Yeah, but you trust me.”
“Undoubtedly,” Kerass reassured him, gripping his shoulder.
“I know someone who would be good for you.”
“Uh, Jeremy if you’re trying to set me up with a girl, it’s just not a good time right now.”
“No, you need guy friends.”
“I have nothing but guy friends.”
“Yeah, but how many of those are believers?”
Kerass couldn’t answer that. He wasn’t even sure if he could call himself a believer yet, but he knew he loved reading the Bible. Still…he struggled with everything it said against his friends.
“That’s what I thought. Trust me, you guys would be like the perfect fit together. It’s someone who’s in ROTC too. Come on.”
Kerass rolled his eyes as he followed Jeremy through the crowd. Dodging people left and right as they danced around him, never touching him, but always inches away. He was in the midst of the crowd when he saw him again, Jordan, the guy who wanted nothing to do with him.
“Kerass, I want you to meet Jordan.”
“Yeah, uh,” Kerass paused unable to take his eyes off of Jordan, a guy he never thought he’d see again outside of class, “we’ve already met.”
“I may have misjudged you,” Jordan said. “I never took you to be a Droplet guy.”
“I see that my work is done then. Yeah, uh, you two have fun I guess,” Jeremy dipped out awkwardly.
“I’m not really. I like coming, but honestly I get more out of just reading the Bible, talking to him.”
“That’s quite possibly the most mature thing I’ve ever heard from someone who goes to Droplet meetings.”
“Um, thanks?” Kerass replied shyly, feeling his face burn red. “I’m not sure if I should take that as a compliment towards me or a slight towards everybody else."
Jordan laughed bellowing, “I appreciate your honesty, Kerass. Too many people are fake on this campus. Just take it as a compliment. Nothing to be embarrassed about. We should talk outside of this, outside of class. I really do need a strong believing friend right now.”
“I’m not sure I would call myself a believer, label myself as a Christian. Reading it gives me joy, but I don’t know if I’m ready or even willing to dedicate my life to it.”
“Then we should definitely be talking. Saturday?”
“Uh, sure.”
“Sit next to me and Jeremy. I want to make sure you’re not alone in there.”
“Just as long as you make sure I don’t steal your seat.”
Jordan chuckled as he led Kerass inside.
Knocking on the door, Cadence pushed her hair behind her ears. It had been ages since they last talked, since they last saw each other. It wouldn’t surprise her if he weren’t there at all. When the door opened, she saw the look of surprise plastered across his face. She hoped it was pleasant surprise.
“Cadence?” Damien observed stoically. “What are you doing here?”
Cadence sighed saying she wasn’t quite sure what drove her to drive this far just to speak with him. “I know, haven’t you ever heard of a phone call?” she chastised herself.
“No, no, I’m glad that you’re here.”
“Do you remember what you said to me right before you graduated high school?”
“Not really,” Damien sheepishly admitted. “Remind me?”
“You said that you could always count on me.”
“Oh, yes,” he smiled at her.
“Is the reverse true?”
“Always. You can tell me anything.”
“Damien,” she exhaled tears pouring down her face. “This is so hard.”
“Just say it.”
She whispered, her voice barely audible, “I killed someone.”
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