Damien froze. His heart started pounded. He tried to exhale, to breathe, but he just held his breath in shock. This wasn’t real. This couldn’t be happening. There was no way this was true.
“You,” he paused stuttering, “you what?” he asked incredulously.
“Don’t make me repeat myself,” Cadence replied.
Damien placed his hands on his temples, rubbing them to try and calm his mind. “Who was it?” He added that he needed to know.
“An old abusive boyfriend.”
“Wait,” he held up his index finger perplexed, “you two weren’t together at this point?”
“No,” she inhaled, “not by the point of his death.”
“His murder,” he chastised, “you mean.”
“You don’t understand, Damien. He hurt me like nobody did. I will forever be broken by what he did to me but I can’t say I fully regret my decision.”
“How’d you do it?” he whispered.
“A bullet. I shot him in the head.”
“Why’d you do it?”
“I couldn’t let him hurt me or anyone else ever again.”
“Did he want to get back together with you? Was he forcing himself on you? Is that why you pulled the trigger?”
“No,” Cadence breathed. “He thought it would be a bad idea for us to live together again, but I, I only had intentions of killing him, exacting revenge in the cruelest way possible to make him feel what he did to me.”
“I don’t believe this,” he uttered under his breath. “You committed pre-meditated murder. He didn’t attack you. This was no form of self-defense. It was just cold-hearted murder and you don’t feel one ounce of shame.”
“No,” she replied defiantly. “I feel nothing,” she paused, “nothing but pride.”
Kerass shouted across the quad when he saw Jordan. It looked like it took a moment for Jordan to register who was calling out to him, but he gave Kerass the biggest smile when he jogged across the quad over to greet him.
“I didn’t think I would see today,” Jordan said jovially. “Somehow our paths keep crossing, not that I’m complaining or anything.”
“I can’t explain it.”
“I think I can,” Jordan said. He gestured towards the bench asking him if he’d like to sit down.
“Enlighten me,” Kerass said unable to prevent himself from grinning.
“Interesting choice of words, buddy,” Jordan replied running his hand over his shaved head. “See, God’s placed us in each other’s lives for a reason. We keep crossing paths together because we’ve got things to teach each other.”
“You really believe that, don’t you?”
“100 percent,” Jordan replied with confidence.
“I don’t know if I can get on board with that.”
“Why not? You don’t think we can learn things from each other?”
“I think I could learn things from you, definitely,” Kerass replied encouragingly. “Just seeing as I’m not a believer, I don’t think there’s anything you can learn from me.”
“Oh, no, Kerass, that’s not true. I think I’ve already learned from you.”
“Don’t bullshit me. I can’t stand when people are fake-nice. It’s so infuriating because it doesn’t help anybody. Lying to me isn’t going to help anybody.”
“No, I’m not lying to you. It’s true, you have taught me something.”
“Can you provide an example?” Kerass spat back. He was beyond frustrated. So many people talked out of their asses to save face.
Jordan nodded. “You carry the Bible with you wherever you go. You view His word as the primary source of truth regarding God, yet you’re still sensitive and compassionate to Jay.”
“You’ve met Jay?”
“Yeah, Jeremy had me meet him. When he told me that you two were rooming together I was quite stunned.”
“Why?”
Jordan smiled. “You’re deeply opinionated and passionate. I didn’t think you’d be able to talk with someone like Jay without being judgemental, but see, Kerass, you give everyone respect and the space to go on their own journeys. You don’t back down on what you think. I’m not as bold as you. You’ve taught me to be more honest and vulnerable and I thank you profusely for that.”
Kerass was floored. It was the nicest thing anyone had ever said to him. It seemed like a stretch that Jordan could pick up on that with just a month of running into each other circumstantially. Was Jordan truly that perceptive or was he just trying to save face?
“How do you know all this about me?”
“The Lord drew me to you, of that I’m certain, and I’m grateful that He did. He’s revealed it, but just watching you interact with others from afar, how could I not notice? You’re a sensitive guy, Kerass.”
“I’m not sensitive, I’m just…” he paused unable to think of what to say, “broken,” he finally added the word after an uncomfortably long silence.
“Well, that’s true enough. That’s true of everyone, but you are sensitive even if you don’t see it yet and that’s something to be celebrated. It’s a beautiful gift from above.”
“Why are you building me up? I thought we were going to talk about God. I thought that’s why we were drawn to each other because we’re both willing to talk about God.”
“Yes, absolutely, but I also want to speak into your life and encourage you because you lack so much self-confidence. Remember 1 Thessalonians 5:11: Therefore encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing. You need love so much right now, yet you push it away and get embarrassed when people give you love openly."
“I’m sorry, Jordan. I guess I’m just self-conscious right now about it. People, they just, they don’t want to stand beside me.”
“Do you even hear youself?” Jordan asked perplexed. “What do you think I’m doing right now? Why do you keep pushing me away?”
“Because I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to love again,” Kerass replied choking on tears which flowed effortlessly down his face. “That includes friendship,” he said wiping his tears away.
“I was right all along. You are sensitive and it’s a beautiful gift, yet you just don’t it yet.”
“Will you help me to see it?” Kerass pleaded.
“You don’t even have to ask,” Jordan smiled patting Kerass on the back.
Damien held Gus’s hand stroking it with his thumb. He told him Gus he was sorry he was away all morning. “I’ve been thinking about you, about us, though.”
“I don’t know if I can give you what you want from me,” Gus replied letting go of Damien’s hand.
“You’re gay, Gus. You know it to be true. You wouldn’t have come out all this way to talk with me if you weren’t interested in exploring it.”
“It’s not that simple!” Gus yelled back at Damien. “You knew you were gay so much earlier than I did and I’m not even sure if that’s fully true. I know I feel drawn to you, but it’s just too complicated.”
“What’s so complicated about it?” Damien asked gently. “I feel drawn to you, too. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. We could be amazing together.”
“What about Jay?”
“What about him?” Damien replied nonchalantly.
“He’s my friend and he’s your boyfriend. We can’t just betray him like this,” he paused as Damien stroked his face, “ca-, can we?”
“I think you already know the answer to that,” Damien whispered in his ear.
“No!” Gus shoved him away. “This isn’t right, Damien. You and I will both regret this if we push it any further. It’s already gone on long enough. Yes, I want to be with you, but as long as I’m friends with Jay and you’re dating him, we just can’t do this.”
“You wouldn’t say that if we kissed. You’d feel the connection, see the passion between us. It’d be undeniable.”
“Kiss you?” Gus asked flabbergasted. “That’s a load,” he reprimanded. “Nothing would change if we just kissed.”
“Oh, yeah?”
“Yeah!” Gus replied defiantly. “I am not as confident in my sexuality as you want me to be. So stop manipulating me to give you what you want.”
“It’s what you want too!” Damien challenged. “Why are you still standing here if you don’t want me to pursue you? If that’s truly what you want just walk away right now.”
After an elongated pause, Gus replied, “I am not gay enough for you.”
“Prove it,” Damien said.
Jay lay on his back in his dorm room. He knew he shouldn’t text Damien. What was the point? Damien wouldn’t reply back anyways, yet he couldn’t bring himself to stop. He pulled out his phone and sent a lengthy text message that said that he missed him and that if he didn’t respond that he’d delete his number and officially end their relationship. Pausing for a moment before he sent the text, he chickened out. He deleted the sentences demanding an ultimatum. No, Jay knew he wasn’t ready to let go of Damien again. He never wanted to break up in the first place, yet he couldn’t help fearing that Damien would break up with him anyway.
He jumped up startled when Kerass walked out of the bathroom.
“Why are you being so weird? Did I scare you or something? I’m allowed to use the bathroom in my own dormitory.”
“Of course you are,” Jay replied. “I just didn’t think you were in here. You’re gone so often now.”
“I know, I’m sorry about that,” Kerass exhaled. “It’s nothing personnel. I can’t seem to stop pushing everybody who cares for me away.”
“Why do you think that is?” Jay asked with great trepidation. He continued saying that he didn’t have to answer.
“No, I want to. I’m afraid that if I let people in again that I’ll lose them.”
“You’ll never lose me as a friend, Kerass.”
“No, you don’t get it, Jay,” Kerass replied more to himself than to Jay. “I’m not afraid of losing you as a friend. I’m afraid of losing you period.”
“Explain yourself.”
“With both my mom and with Lyra, I was more vulnerable with them than I was with anybody. They both died. See, Jay, when people get near me they die,” he added shedding tears.
“That’s not true. Why are you believing lies?”
“What else have I got to believe in?” Kerass asked succumbing to his tears, sobbing.
Jay got up and hugged Kerass, who openly wept into his shoulder. It was the most beautiful, most intimate moment he had ever experienced in their long history of friendship. Finally, after all these years, Kerass was being open with him and trusted him with his tears. He swore to himself that he would never betray his trust. He knew he needed Kerass’s friendship a lot more than he needed Damien as a boyfriend.
Cadence knocked on Damien’s dorm room. Waiting for what seemed like an eternity, she determined he must not be in there. She had lied. She wasn’t proud of what she’d done and she spited herself for saying that in the first place, but she couldn’t stop herself. He didn’t provide warmth and comfort, he provided a bitter coldness and self-doubt, but that wasn’t the way she wanted their encounter to end. Finally giving up, she turned the corner and saw the most disturbing image she had ever seen. It would forever be scarred in her brain. Her ex was kissing her ex. Gus was passionately kissing Damien, leaning back in his full embrace.
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