Inhaling, Kerass took a deep breath. He loved that Cadence was reaching out, but he just wished for once it could just be because she wanted to catch up.
“What seems to be the problem?” Kerass asked.
“I, uh,” she paused. There was static. She said something along the lines that she didn’t want to be intrusive. “I mean, we’re not exactly in the same town anymore.”
“That’s true, but you did call me, so let’s just get to the point.”
“God, this is hard, Kerass.”
“There’s no judgment. Just come out and say it.”
“It’s nothing…nothing that can’t wait to be said in person.”
“Are you coming down to visit then?” Kerass asked.
“I’m not sure…” Cadence trailed off.
Kerass held the phone away from his ear once he heard the dial tone.
“What did she say?” Gus asked.
“Nothing really. She said she was in trouble, but she wanted to tell me about it in person. I don’t even know why she called in the first place.”
“It’s probably best not to analyze anything Cadence does.”
“Yeah…” Kerass dragged the word out. Even though he hated the conversation, especially since it accomplished nothing, he couldn’t stop thinking about it.
“Where do you wanna sit?” Gil asked.
“Well, it depends on where we eat,” Jay responded as he looked around the student center. “I’m feeling Mexican.”
Gil stated he always ate there. “I’m sick of it and I already gained like 10 pounds just eating there already this semester.”
“Fine. Let’s just skip the meal today. It’s not like I have the money for it anyway.”
“This is about money?” Gil asked flabbergasted. “I thought you were fine what with your dad and student loans.”
“I am for that part, but after the distant, but foreseeable, graduation, it might be a different story.”
“You think too much, Jay,” Gil shook his head. “Constantly overanalyzing everything.”
“Whatever,” Jay replied as he sat down at an open table in the student center. He looked around. It was shocking how few students were actually there that day. Privacy was always a plus, but this was just depressing. “Where is everybody?”
“It’s Saturday, you know nobody ever shows up here on Saturdays.”
Jay bit his tongue. This was too weird. Gil was the one he turned down. Granted, neither of them wanted a relationship, but still, it must have hurt somewhat. It’d be humiliating if it didn’t hurt him. “Why’d you ask me here…” he paused awkwardly, “Gil?” he added much later than he wanted to.
“Why are you being so awkward, man? You need to work on your social skills.”
“That didn’t really answer the question, now did it?”
“I thought we were friends. I thought it’d be good to catch up again, especially since I didn’t see you at all this summer. I was a little distracted to be honest.”
“You’re not mad that I chose Damien?”
“Absolutely not,” Gil replied, breathing through his mouth.
“I thought we wouldn’t talk again after that.”
“Only if that’s what you want, but somehow you saying yes to catch up brings doubts to my mind. I didn’t spend the summer pining over you. Not everything’s about you, Jay,” he sighed disgruntled. “No, I think you guys make a great couple. Don’t you remember senior year?”
“Not really…that was forever ago. What happened?”
“I set you two up at prom.”
“Oh,” Jay dragged the word out, shaking his head. “Right, but it wasn’t exactly a set up. You totally forced it.”
“And now you have a boyfriend out of it. Keep in mind, I never got a thank you.”
“Dating Damien again didn’t happen right away. What you did didn’t even trigger it. It was much more delayed than that.”
“We’re ranting. I’ve got some news for you. I mean, I want to catch up, hear how you and Damien are doing and all, but I have my motives as well.”
“Spill.”
“I’m dating someone.”
“Really?” Jay asked in a high-pitched voice. “A girl?”
“Yeah, right,” Gil rolled his eyes. “His name’s Francis. He’s really quite special.”
Jay couldn’t help observing that Gil was blushing. It was really quite lovely. There was no greater delight than watching someone falling in love, unless you were experiencing it firsthand, of course. “It must be true love or you wouldn’t be acting this way.”
“I wouldn’t go that far. I mean I love him, definitely. It’s only become more and more obvious as we grew closer to each other over the summer. I’m not sure he’s the one. I don’t feel the same way about him as you feel about Damien is all I’m saying. It must be so great, you know? I mean,” he paused, “you’re with your ultimate. Nothing can separate that love from you. Your relationship inspires me, man. It’s most certainly relationship goals.”
Jay sat back. Yes, he loved Damien. Yes, he made a huge proclamation of love and loyalty to him, but it started to feel like sophomore year of high school all over again. The immense pressure of being with Damien, someone who was undeniably hotter, way more fit than him. He felt he didn’t deserve him, but inexplicably Damien wanted him. Was he really the one though? He wasn’t even convinced that Damien felt the same way.
Gil bid him farewell, imploring him that they’d meet up again, especially so Jay could meet Francis. Jay reassured him that he’d like that. As soon as Gil was out of earshot, Jay pulled out his cell phone, immediately calling Damien. Big surprise, it went straight to voicemail…again. “Hey, baby. I just wanted to tell you that I love you,” he said just as he hung up the phone.
Cadence stared at herself in her bathrobe, the bathroom mirror completely covered from the condensation. She turned the water off. Wiping the mirror with one hand she stared at her eyes through the streak. Her eyes were beautiful, yet filled with so much sorrow and pain. It would never be over, would it? Forever the memory of her decision would haunt her. She wanted to take another pill again, to numb the pain that refused to quiet her mind. Opening up the drawers, she cursed under her breath. Her mother had changed her hiding spot again. The medicine was gone. She didn’t know how she could survive the day. Yet, the sound of her mother’s screams disturbed her thought.
“No, don’t you dare transfer me to the nurse’s line! I’ve already left 3 messages today as it is!” her mother shrieked.
Cadence held her ear to the door so she could hear better, completely unashamed of hearing what her mother was bitching about.
“I have told you repeatedly that someone has stolen my pills. There was 7 when I counted them last night and now there’s only 5.”
Her mother paused. It disturbed Cadence to hear her mother get so upset. She was taking it out on the receptionist who had nothing to do with her dilemma. It was all her own fault, Cadence reminded herself, but as always, her own needs were stronger than her mother’s.
“Don’t put me on hold,” her mother raised her voice. A second later, she shrieked, “YOU’RE DESPICABLE!”
No, there was no way she could tell her mother the truth, not with a temper like that. There was no way at all.
Kerass closed his Bible. He couldn’t believe how much just reading it enraptured him. Yet one thing lingered in the back of his head. Was he betraying his friendship with Damien and Jay by reading a book that at least to him appeared to be incredibly negative towards homosexuals? There was only one way to find out.
It only took one ring before he answered. “Kerass, my buddy, why has it been so long since I’ve heard from you?”
“I’m sorry, Damien. I’ve just been distracted,” Kerass said. He continued stating he would ask how he was doing, but he had a pressing thing on his mind “I have a kind of awkward question for you.”
“There’s no awkward question you could ask me that would offend me. Just say it.”
“I’ve been reading the Bible a lot recently and I’m not gonna lie, I’ve been enjoying it,” Kerass paused biting his tongue.
“Ok, well that’s not really a question, Kerass. That’s just a statement.”
“Am I homophobic for liking the Bible?” Kerass asked with great trepidation.
There was an elongated pause. He knew he shouldn’t have asked the question. It only brought their differences to the forefront. Kerass knew he would never understand what it was like to be gay and well, Jay didn’t help much with the sympathy factor when he first came out to him, but Damien really smoothed things over and his relationship with Damien was so much more important than reading the Bible.
“That’s a beautiful question. I’m really glad you asked that.”
“It’s kind of why I called in the first place. I don’t want to lose our friendship. Well, what do you say? Do you want me to burn the book?”
“Hell, no. If reading it makes you happy, I’m all for it. As long as you don’t use it as an excuse for hatred or to impede the rights of others, I don’t have a problem with you reading it. Hell, years ago I used to read it daily, but it was never enough for me.”
“Really? We should talk about that.”
“No thanks. I have no interest in being converted. I totally think you can still be gay and Christian. I used to fight that battle constantly, but I no longer have a desire to do so. Like I said, if it makes you happy, by all means keep reading it. I want nothing more for you than to be happy and I’m glad that you’re starting to find that, even if it’s in an odd place.”
“Well, ok, then…” Kerass trailed off.
“Don’t feel bad about it. I’ve found happiness through a relationship with a man.”
“Why don’t you just say Jay? It’s a little weird for you to be so blasé about it.”
“I never said I was talking about Jay.”
Slamming the door shut, Cadence screamed out in anger and frustration. Thinking quickly she locked the door behind her. Yes, she was lying, but it didn’t matter. She needed it more than her mother did, why couldn’t her mother understand that?
A gentle knock on her door startled her. “Come on, honey,” her mother said. “Open the door.”
“Why? Just so you can accuse me again?”
“Would you just open the door, please?”
Rolling her eyes, she tucked her hair behind her ears before she unlocked the door.
“That’s better, isn’t it?” Her mother asked in the doorway. “Being able to talk about this?”
“Talk about what mother? I didn’t steal your damn pills.” Cadence said. She continued to ask if there was anything else she wanted to pry out of her.
“You don’t have to be so cruel,” her mother replied gingerly. “Why do you think that I wouldn’t understand that you need to take them when I need to daily?”
“I didn’t steal the pills, I didn’t take the pills, I did nothing with the damn pills. Your fractured memory, which has only gotten worse over the years since you’ve changed your medicine, forgot that you doubled up. It’s not my fault that I have a mother who’s a nutcase who can’t even remember when she took a damn pill.”
“Whenever you’re ready to face the consequences and tell the truth I’m here to listen,” her mother said before closing the door behind her.
Kerass raced to class, barely catching his breath as he sat down in one of the final two seats left, which happened to be in the front row to the far left. Kerass sat down at the edge of the row. At least the professor hadn’t shown up yet.
“Hey,” a guy tapped him on the shoulder. His head was completely shaved and he looked dead tired. “Do you mind if I sit in that seat? I really, really need to be in that seat,” he said as he pointed to the seat where Kerass sat.
“You’re just asking me to move over one?”
The guy nodded. Kerass rolled his eyes, but obliged anyways.
“I can’t believe I made it on time,” Kerass said as he shifted seats.
“Do you want congratulations or something?” he asked nonchalantly as he sat down.
“No, I was just making conversation. I’m Kerass by the way,” he said holding his hand out.
“Jordan,” the guy replied.
Kerass noted that Jordan had no interest in accepting his handshake. Well, that was awkward.
“So, what’s your major?”
“Look, Kerass, is it?”
He nodded.
“Small talk’s not really my thing. It’s not gonna work on me, especially right before class.”
“Well, fine then,” Kerass replied looking to the side. He couldn’t help but spitefully add, have it your way.
“Don’t take it personally.”
“How can I not?”
“Look,” Jordan said, locking eyes with him, “you don’t want to know me. Trust me on that.”
Damien’s eyes became saucers as he saw Gus walking towards him. Instinctively he stood up from the campus bench and walked over towards him.
“I didn’t think you were actually gonna come,” Damien said as his eyes shimmered with tears. He continued stating he was beyond surprised.
“I couldn’t stop thinking about you,” Gus said, “but I don’t know if I can give you what you want.”
“Walk with me?” Damien asked.
Gus simply nodded.
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