The First Day
Cadence laid on her bed. She had a roommate. The inpatient unit, while cleaner than she expected, was nowhere near where she wanted to be. There was nothing about this place that was fun. It was only filled with broken, sick people. She wasn’t sick. She had just committed a grave mistake. The only person she punished was herself. She wanted to get her life back, but it wasn’t much of anything anyway. There was nothing for her to return to. She had cut everyone out of her life. There was no one to turn to. She would forever be alone.
Her roommate was fine. She couldn’t stop singing, which was deathly annoying, but she kept to herself and never talked with her. Cadence was more than ok with that. No one would ever understand her. Nobody even cared. She couldn’t believe when they asked her if she was voluntary. The answer was yes, but she didn’t think she really had any choice in the matter.
Lying on the bed, she stared at the ceiling. Was this all there was? How had she gotten here? What was there to look forward to in life? What was life besides eating, sleeping, breathing…nothing mattered, not even life itself. She memorized every discrepancy in the paint on the ceiling. She felt she could even see where the paint strokes began and ended. It was beautiful, but far from breathtaking. She knew few people would appreciate the painted ceiling.
She pulled out the journal she’d been given to write out her thoughts. Instead of writing, she used crayons to paint the ceiling magenta, dark red, orange, and purple. The colors bled into each other. By the time she had finished the full portrait, it looked nothing like the ceiling. The imperfections in the paint didn’t seem to exist on the page. She almost used the entirety of the crayons to make the colors deeper, darker. They were nothing but little stubs now. She felt bad, but at least the picture was great.
No, she couldn’t write down her thoughts. She couldn’t even think at all.
Damien held Gus close to him. They both lay naked on the bed. Damien caressed Gus’s face.
“I never thought it would be like this,” he admitted whispering.
“What do you mean?” Gus asked nervously.
“This beautiful,” Damien answered. He added that had he known it would’ve felt this good, he never would’ve waited. “I’ve waited a long time to feel this connected, this special to a man and I can’t believe I found it all in you.”
“I can’t be your everything, Damien.”
“Oh but you are, Gus,” he replied kissing his forehead.
“I love you,” Gus whispered.
Damien paused. He was stunned to hear the words come out of Gus’s mouth. He was usually so closed off emotionally. Seeing him be so emotional, so vulnerable was a gift. “I love you.”
They remained in each other’s embrace for a while. Gus teared up and put his head on Damien’s chest. Damien gently rubbed Gus’s shaven head. A knock at the door disturbed them.
“Could you answer the door?” Gus asked gently. “There’s a towel in the bathroom you could borrow. I can’t exactly say I want us to get clothed yet.”
Damien quickly grabbed the towel and leaned down towards Gus’s face. He whispered, “I won’t be gone long.” They kissed each other ravenously. It was impossible to tear away, but Damien mustered the strength.
He rushed to the door clutching the towel around his waist. A smile burst through him. He couldn’t help but laugh jovially. When he opened the door, he immediately let go of the towel in his grasp. “Jay…” he gasped quietly.
“Thank you, Damien,” Jay replied. “That’s all I needed to know,” he added scathingly just before he walked away.
Damien grabbed the towel and quickly ran after him, but all the stares of him wearing nothing but a towel down the hallway made him reconsider his decision. He rushed back into the room.
“Who was it?” Gus asked him from the bedroom.
Damien locked the door, putting his head against the wall sighing. “Nobody for you to worry about.”
He knew he had made his choice. He now had to live with it. He dropped the towel and headed straight back to Gus in the bedroom.
Walking around the unit, Cadence averted eye contact with everyone she passed. She was on a mission and no one was going to disturb her journey there. Stepping up to the nurse’s station, she saw a large semi-circular desk with multiple computers and only one nurse.
“You’re not alone, are you?” she asked.
“Oh, no,” the nurse reassured her. “Everyone else is accounted for at lunch.”
“Oh…” she dragged the word out. She told the nurse she was sorry he was all alone.
“Oh, but I’m not. They’ll be back shortly,” he reassured her.
“What’s your name?”
“Kyle,” he replied.
“That’s not exactly the most unique name.”
“How very observant of you,” he said through a smile.
She felt guilty, but it was weird how he insulted her through his smile. Granted his tone wasn’t condoning, neither were his words, but she couldn’t help but feel she had agitated him. “I’m sorry if I said something wrong.”
“It’s all fine, Cadence.”
“Uh, how do you know my name?” she asked fearfully.
“I know all my patients’ names. Remember when you got your picture taken when you first came in?”
She nodded in reply. She wasn’t happy about the whole process, but decided it’d be best to be compliant.
“Well, we have pictures of all the patients. It helps us get to know all of you better.”
“Oh, I see…” she trailed off. She knew it. She was nothing more than a face to him. Nothing more than a statistic, a number. No, there was no way she would ever get help here.
“Is there anything I can help you with?” he asked her gingerly.
“No, I,” she sighed, “I just haven’t seen my doctor yet.”
“I’m so sorry but Dr. Owens isn’t in today. I thought I had mentioned it to you earlier today.”
“Why isn’t she here?” Cadence demanded.
“She’s sick. She’ll be back tomorrow,” Kyle reassured her.
Cadence rolled her eyes. Just her luck. This place was a mistake. What was her mother thinking? This place was nothing more than a nightmare.
The Second Day
Cadence sat alone in her room, her journal across her lap. She sat cross-legged on her bed. Today in a black crayon she had written in big block letters: I HATE IT HERE. The last line of the e trailed off to the bottom corner of the page. She had pressed so hard with the crayon that there were tears in the page on the line to the bottom corner. She was amazed that there were even tears in the following pages.
Disgruntled, she ripped the page out crumpling it into her fist and chucked it against the wall. She didn’t yell, but she was extremely aggravated. She still hadn’t seen her doctor and she couldn’t get out of there until her doctor put the stamp of approval to be discharged. It was awful, utterly disdainful. She had to get out of this hellhole.
A knock on her door startled her. A man with a badge looked at her. She stared at him for a few seconds creeped out that he was standing at her door. “Yes?” she demanded.
“Uh, yeah, um, you asked me to let you know when the patient phone was available.”
“Oh, right,” she replied relaxing. She placed her feet on the floor and slowly rose up. Internally she knew she should thank him for letting her know, but she just didn’t care. She brushed past him as he quickly got out of the doorway.
“How are you doing today, Cadence?” he asked gently.
“Shitty,” she uttered breathily.
“Oh, well, I’m sorry to hear that.”
She turned around, fidgeting her hands. “Look, could you just like not today?” she quietly asked. The agitation was at an all time high. She didn’t feel well, but being around all these sick people didn’t help her at all. It just made her feel worse.
The patient phone was blocked off for privacy purposes, which she greatly appreciated. It was a very old phone, a rotary dial. It was difficult to remember her mother’s phone number, but she stretched her memory enough and dialed. It rang and rang and rang. Eventually it went to voicemail. She hung up grunting. She felt more alone than ever.
Kerass walked around campus. He just wanted to get away from everyone again. It had been great to have them fawn all over him when he was in the hospital, but he was tired of them walking on eggshells around him. No, he didn’t need to be pampered. He simply needed to clear his head, hence why he found himself walking.
The beauty of the campus never failed to take his breath away. He couldn’t believe how lucky he was to be alive, to walk around on a campus that wasn’t completely paved over with concrete. It was a wonder to behold. He paused. He wanted to take a moment to thank God for the beauty that he beheld, but he was afraid to. No, he must remember the dream, the most wonderful dream. Internally he thanked God for nature, for trees, grass, flowers and the calming way they made him feel. He thanked God for exposing his beauty.
That was it. It was that simple. There was nothing to fret over. He felt much better after he reached out and thanked God. He didn’t hear anything back. He felt no reassurance of anything other than he did the right thing.
As he pivoted to walk back to his dorm he saw her, the girl who attempted to stop him going into Jordan’s room. She was jogging. Her eyes lit up when she noticed him. She instantly jogged over to him and started jogging in place to cool herself down.
“I was hoping I would see you,” she told him coming to a complete stop. “We haven’t been properly introduced yet. I’m Neve,” she said holding out her hand.
Taking it, he replied, “My name’s-”
“Oh, I know who you are Kerass,” she cut him off. She added that much was obvious. “I’ve heard so much about you.”
“Pardon me?” he asked flustered.
“I’m Jordan’s girlfriend.”
Kerass held his breath. How could this guy, a monstrous man who tried to kill him, have a girlfriend? None it made sense. Slowly, he exhaled demanding that he not reveal his shock and utter horror to her.
“I know, you don’t really understand.”
“Are you still together with him?” he asked raising his eyebrows.
“Yes, and you have to know why, but not here.”
“Pray tell?”
“It’s too intimate,” she said locking eyes with him. “Believe me, you’ll want to hear this.”
“Ok,” he stoically replied.
“Tomorrow at noon, meet me outside my dorm room. I live in Ingles 116. Promise me you’ll meet me there?”
Kerass inhaled. It was a lot to ask of him. He wanted nothing to do with Jordan, but she seemed so determined. How could he say no? All he had to do was show up. “Sure.”
Cadence sat before her doctor, Dr. Ranae Owens.
Dr. Owens strummed her fingers on the desk before her. “Why are you here?” she asked.
“Isn’t it obvious?” Cadence replied disdainfully.
“I want to hear in your own words.”
“Because I tried to kill myself,” she replied. She stated her disappointment in not succeeding. “I guess we can’t always get what we want in life.”
“Why did you try to kill yourself?”
“I can’t tell you,” she replied. She couldn’t keep eye contact. Dr. Owens locked eyes with her like how Kerass did. She believed she could see into her very soul. “You’ll judge me.”
“This is a judgment-free zone. Please share.”
This wasn’t true. There wasn’t a lick of truth in anything Dr. Owens said. There was no such thing as a judgment-free zone. Why should she open up to someone she was just a number to? This whole thing was pure madness. It only made her angrier. She wasn’t going to stay here in this room getting pummeled for incriminating information, not for another second.
“No,” she whispered. She quickly stood up, bolting out of the room whilst slamming the door shut behind her.
The Third Day
Cadence exhaled. She finally started talking to her roommate last night. While she was still asleep that morning, Cadence couldn’t help but like the girl. Her roommate Jamie was a girl who loved to read. She daren’t ask her what she was reading, but she simply respected anyone who in today’s world took time to exercise their brain, their imaginations.
Jamie stirred and slowly rose out of bed stretching. Placing her feet on the concrete floor, she turned and picked up a large leather book that remained on her nightstand.
Cadence knew exactly what it was. It was a Bible. Jamie didn’t speak a word while she read, and Cadence wasn’t about to disturb her now. While she still hated the Bible with a fiery passion, she found herself amazed that anyone who would dedicate their lives to a work of fiction would take it so seriously as to have the first task of the day be to simply read from it. Stunning, maybe. Stupid, absolutely, yet commendable nonetheless. She couldn’t exactly call it beautiful for that was a book that was full of hate and judgment, but still Jamie seemed to take it a lot more seriously than anyone she’d ever met, definitely more so than Kerass ever did back when they were dating years ago.
“Oh!” Jamie blurted out startled.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to frighten you.”
“It’s nothing,” Jamie reassured her. “I just didn’t expect you to be awake. You were up again pacing back and forth in the wee hours of the morning.”
“Was I?” Cadence asked. She stated she hadn’t noticed. “I guess I’m really sick, huh?”
“No more than the rest of us. Were you up the whole time while I was reading?”
Cadence nodded.
“I see,” Jamie replied. “I read out of Luke today.”
“I’m sorry, Jamie, but I really don’t care.”
“Sure thing,” she whispered in reply.
Cadence couldn’t stand just sitting still. She got up and without a word she walked out of her room to walk around the unit.
Taking a deep breath, Kerass tried to calm his thoughts before he knocked on Neve’s door. In mid-knock the door opened. She stood before him in a tie-dye shirt and blue genes. He knew he shouldn’t feel this way, but he couldn’t help but feel attracted to her. She looked hot. There was no other way of putting it.
“Why don’t you come in and sit down?” she asked pointing at the chair by her desk as she sat cross-legged on her bed.
Looking around the room, he saw posters for One Direction, Titanic, and the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers of all things.
“Cool posters,” Kerass observed monotone.
“Oh, thanks I guess.”
“Why?”
“Well, One Direction is the greatest band ever and they provided us the greatest five years the music world has ever seen and you’ll never convince me otherwise. Titanic is my favorite movie. It’s gorgeous, breathtaking and oh, so sweet. It’s perfect. As far as Power Rangers goes, why not? They’re my favorite superheroes and well in this day and age we need some fun superheroes where you’re not concerned over how dark the ending will be. You always know how Power Rangers will end and that is an encouraging thought.”
“Ok, then,” Kerass replied unable to comprehend what she just said.
He glanced at the mirror on the desk. He couldn’t see himself. There was no room for a reflection at all. The mirror was plastered with pictures of girls he had seen from a distance at Droplet.
“You go to Droplet?”
“Yep, those are my girls. The mural helps me to remember that I shouldn’t put myself over anyone else. That’s exactly what Jesus did for me. It also reminds me to pray for them daily.”
“Wow, that’s cool. I’ve gone to a few meetings myself.”
“I knew I’d seen you before that day. Droplet’s wonderful. That’s actually how Jordan and I met,” she replied wistfully. Quickly adding that it was a long story, she stated she didn’t want to dwell on it. “We’ve got much more important things to discuss.”
“Fine. Why don’t we skip the rest of the pleasantries and you can just tell me what you need to say.”
“Absolutely,” Neve replied nodding. “See, Kerass, Jordan wasn’t attacking you, he was attacking an enemy.”
“I’m not following. What exactly do you-”
“Just listen,” she interrupted him, “please. You can ask any questions you want after I’m done.”
Kerass remained quiet, breathing deeply to try and calm his thoughts of retaliating.
“Jordan’s sick. He suffers from posttraumatic stress disorder. There’s so much we don’t know about PTSD. Right now it’s incurable. I bet he never told you he’s spent some time fighting overseas, did he?”
Considering she paused waiting for his answer, he felt it ok to reply. “No,” he shook his head.
“That’s what I thought. He’s quite ashamed of it because he can’t control it. He saw things that he can never unsee. Jordan sometimes doesn’t know where he’s at. He has to sit in a specific seat in a classroom so that he’s aware of his surroundings otherwise he becomes overwhelmed with fear and dread and when that happens his self-protection mode takes over and he does things he regrets, things beyond his control.
“See, you and I, when we look at my dorm room, we see the posters, the pictures, the wall. He sometimes sees the outdoors overseas. I can’t confirm that’s what he saw when I tried to stop you from going inside his room, but I know he was having one of his episodes, that he wasn’t really himself. I feared deeply he had killed you. He’s barely slept since he realized what he did to you. He’s so fond of you, thinks so highly of you,” she said with the smallest smile while she locked eyes with him.
“I won’t tell you what to do. He’s not exactly my boyfriend anymore. He proposed to me last night actually,” she stated giggling with joy. “I’m stuck with him permanently and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I find his zeal for God, for Jesus breathtakingly beautiful. You don’t have to do anything with him, but if I may suggest something, I beg you to forgive him.”
“Why are you telling me this? Why isn’t he the one speaking?”
“He feared you wouldn’t meet with him if he asked.”
Kerass nodded. He didn’t know what he felt. Overwhelmed was an understatement. He just sat and thought, tried to clear his head from any prejudices. It was impossible. He wasn’t ready to forgive Jordan yet, not by a long shot.
Cadence glared at her mother.
“When can I go home?” she demanded.
“Whenever you start talking and telling the doctor what’s going on. Don’t think I don’t know that you’ve stormed out on her.”
“You have no comprehension of what I’ve been through!” she started screaming at her mother. She continued saying there was no way she could possibly understand what was going on. “I’m completely alone here. No one gets me and they never will,” she added bitterly, her face beet red, tears incessantly falling off her cheeks.
“Please tell me. Whatever it is, it’s not worth you giving up on life. It’s not worth you taking your own life.”
“I deserve it for what I’ve done,” Cadence whispered in reply.
“I don’t want to fight anymore,” her mother gently replied. “Can we just try and enjoy this brief time we’ve got together?”
Cadence nodded as she wiped tears off her face. The rest of the hour was complete and utter bliss. Cadence found herself laughing for the first time since she could remember. They chatted about stupid stories from the past that in hindsight were hysterical. She never thought she would ever feel this happy again, but for those few minutes she thought of nothing except joy and happiness.
Bidding her mother farewell, she cried as they hugged each other goodbye. Her mom broke the hug first. “I’ll see you soon,” she reassured her.
“I look forward to it,” Cadence choked out weeping.
The Fourth Day
Cadence locked eyes with Dr. Owens who sat before her behind a desk.
“You seem engaged today,” Dr. Owens observed.
“I am,” she replied jubilantly. “I’m ready. I want to get better.”
“Well, that’s great to hear. You know that’s what we’re here for to help you process through how to handle your stresses. There’s no shame if medication is needed, but it can’t be the only thing you rely on either.”
“Absolutely not.”
“What’s one thing you’re going to do when stress overwhelms you?”
“I’ll pick up a book to distract myself,” Cadence promised.
“That’s very good. Exercise your mind, your imagination. Sometimes that can be the best medicine of all.”
“100% agree with you.”
“Well, good. I guess we’ll see you tomorrow then,” the doctor smiled at her while ushering her out the door.
“Can’t I leave today?” Cadence begged.
“No,” she replied. “I want at least one more day of monitoring before we let you go back into the world.”
Cadence felt anger boil up inside of her, but decided not to comment on it. “That’ll be fine, Dr. Owens.”
“I know it will be because I said it,” Dr. Owens replied chuckling to herself.
Cadence gently opened the door and rushed out of the room. Her head was spinning. She didn’t hear what she wanted to. She had to grab a book, any book she could find to distract herself.
Rushing over to the bookshelf she found all of the books were unaccounted for. Others must have grabbed them. This was impossible. This never happened. Frustrated she paced back and forth from wall to wall.
Hold on. There was one book she could read. But of all the books, why did it have to be that one? Whatever, she needed it and she needed to read right now to quiet her mind which was going at a hundred miles an hour.
Bursting the door open, nearly throwing the door off its hinges, she rushed towards her roommate’s nightstand. To her great relief, she discovered the giant leather book was still there. She held it close. Placing it against her chest she took a deep breath thankful for the fact that it was there when she needed it most.
She didn’t care what she read, only that she was reading. Opening up the book two thirds of the way in, the Bible fell open to a book called Matthew. Admittedly, she’d never heard of such a book. She turned the pages back to get to the beginning of the book.
At the start of the first chapter was a long list of names, a genealogy. She was so grateful. It was so mundane and monotonous. Instantly, it quieted her mind by the sheer repetition of the list. But she wouldn’t stop once she finished the list, oh no. She was determined now, even if it meant spending the entire day, to read through the whole book. Nothing else bothered her as she continued to read.
Placing his phone down, Kerass exhaled. What an incredible voicemail he’d just received. He had to sit down. He’d listened to it while he walked back to his dorm room. This couldn’t be happening. This wasn’t real. He had to do something.
Before he could think of anything, Jay walked into the room, his hands covering his face, sniffling. It would have to wait, at least for the moment.
“Jay?” Kerass asked gently, standing up, gently rubbing Jay’s right forearm. “Talk to me, buddy.”
“Kerass,” Jay choked out, hugging him instantly, crying into his shoulder.
They remained in their embrace for a long time. Kerass just held him there, gently rubbing his back. Jay finally broke the embrace.
“I think I cried all the tears I could muster,” he said with a slight chuckle.
“It’s all fine. No shame, my friend. Never be ashamed to cry in front of me.”
“I’m not,” Jay replied, a smile crept across his face, “but I’ve gotta get out of here.”
“How would you feel about a road trip?” Kerass asked. It was impossible not to laugh at Jay’s bewildered expression.
Cadence closed the book. The story was beautiful. It wasn’t full of hatred as she once thought. No, Jesus was a very compassionate man who sought the unwanted, the unseen and gave them attention and love. He also was an incredibly rebellious man who fought against the religious authority of the day. That sounded awfully familiar. She couldn’t help but push against religion and the elitists who presented themselves as holier than thou.
She heard a gasp, which startled her. Looking up, she saw Jamie with her hand on her heart.
“What are you doing reading the Holy Scriptures?” Jamie asked.
“You’re not upset, are you?” Cadence asked trepidatiously.
“Not at all. Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not really,” Cadence replied. “I still haven’t changed my mind about religion or Christians or any of that shit, but Jesus, if this story is true, I’m all for him and his rebellious nature.”
“Jesus isn’t rebellious, not at all!” Jamie yelled back at her.
“He is too rebellious. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Jesus is cool. He’s hella awesome.”
“He is completely obedient to God the Father. There isn’t a rebellious bone in His body. I will not let you speak of my savior that way.” She added that Cadence had committed the worst sin of all, the sin of blaspheming.
Blaspheming, whatever that meant, much have been bad based on the look of hellfire burning in her eyes.
“Now give it back to me, you heathen,” Jamie replied with utter disdain.
“Whatever,” Cadence shook her head handing the book back to her. Muttering under her breath, she added, “Crazy bitch.”
Jay leaned back in the passenger seat as Kerass sped down the highway. It was so good to be back with his best friend. Why had they ever let others get in the way of their friendship? Jay couldn’t even remember, but it was foolish, complete and utter nonsense in retrospect.
“Come on, buddy,” Kerass urged Jay. “Spill.”
“Where to begin?” Jay asked, more to himself than to Kerass. He stated everything had gone to shit.
“In what way?”
“Well, my boyfriend, no, no, my ex is cheating on me with your best friend apparently.”
“My best friend? Whom exactly would that be?”
“Gus,” Jay exhaled livid.
“Gus isn’t my best friend, buddy. Not anymore, not for a long time actually.”
“Then who is?”
“No one really, at least not right now. I guess you’d be the closest, even though it’s been years since we were close.”
“Yeah…” Jay trailed off deflated.
“Anyway, back to the issue at hand. Damien and Gus, huh? What a sickening thought.”
“Yeah, Damien’s cheating on me with Gus. I caught him naked in Gus’s room.”
“Oh my god!” Kerass replied incredulously. “You caught him, then?”
Jay nodded.
“I can’t see your nonverbal responses, Jay. I gotta keep my eyes on the road.”
“Oh, of course. Yes, I caught the bastard.”
“I’m so sorry, Jay. Damien told me about it, wanted me to keep it a secret. I implored him that he had to tell you or he and I would be caput.”
“You defended me?”
“I’ll always defend you, Jay. You are after all my oldest friend. You’re a lot of things, but this just isn’t right. I can’t associate with either of them, not after what they’ve done to you.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Jay asked quietly.
“I haven’t seen you for a few days,” Kerass defended himself. “I didn’t have time to, plus I didn’t want to pull the rug out from Damien just in case he did tell you.”
“Gus alluded to it earlier. It wasn’t hard to catch them after that. But seeing him naked…the fact that they had sex-”
“You don’t know that for sure.”
“Come off it, Kerass! You can’t possibly be that stupid. I know they did it. Last year, Damien asked me to wait for him until marriage. He stole my heart before he stomped on it and now he’s gone and had sex with someone I considered to be a good friend. Damien, Gus, they’re nothing more than cowardly, manipulative liars.”
“I’m not arguing with you on that, bud. I think you hit the nail on the head.”
“I don’t want to talk about it anymore.” Jay sighed. “Where are we going anyway?”
Kerass turned and smiled at him saying, “To visit an old friend in need.”
The Final Day
Cadence opened her eyes. Another day with her crazy ass roommate. She couldn’t stand another second to be in the room with her.
She rushed out of the room to give herself some space, some breathing room. She would never read that book again. If that was the reaction she got from reading it and her interpretation of it, then she never wanted to even touch it ever again. She felt dirty. Shaking her hands she tried to get that disgusting, slimy feeling off her palms. She gagged at the very thought of holding it.
“Cadence!” Kyle, the male nurse, called out after her.
Turning around she asked, “What?” She added that she was kind of in a hurry.
“To where?”
The question struck her by surprise. She had no place to go. Nothing about how she replied made any sense. “Nowhere, I guess.”
“Well, you have a visitor,” Kyle said pointing to his right.
She exhaled. She couldn’t believe it. He was here. He came. She rushed forward and jumped in his arms, wrapping her legs around his waist. Nothing else mattered. She burst into tears of sheer joy. She couldn’t help but scream from excitement.
“Kerass!”
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