There he lay. The rhythmic breathing, the machine keeping him alive, it was so pitiful. Damien held Gus’s hand. Taking a deep breath, they walked over to the bed. Damien kissed Gus’s hand letting it go. Gus leaned over clinging to Jake’s hand.
“No response,” Gus said through his tears. “Please, please,” he whispered begging, “wake up. Open your eyes.”
He so wanted to be there for Gus, but it also felt like such an intimate moment, a moment he shouldn’t bare witness to. “Do you want me to leave you two in peace?” Damien finally asked.
“No,” Gus said, not even looking at him. “You’re the only person other than him who’s seen me this vulnerable.” He leaned forward and gently kissed Jake’s forehead. “I’ll be back,” he promised.
Damien opened his arms. Gus leaned straight into him, crying into his shoulder. So much had changed since they last visited. It had been 6 months and there still was no change in Uncle Jake. He just lay there, motionless outside of the power of technology.
“I’m so sorry, sweetheart,” Damien said, gently patting him on the back.
“Six months,” Gus said whilst breaking the hug. “How can it have been that long already?”
“We never would’ve started what we’ve become, a beautiful, vulnerable couple, had I not seen you here visiting him that day.”
“Are we though?” Gus asked doubtfully. “Are we really a beautiful couple?”
“You’re hot. I’m hot. How is that not beautiful?” Damien joked.
“You know what I mean!” Gus replied pushing him.
Taken aback, Damien tried his hardest to bite his tongue. Gus was going through some tough, emotional things right now. The lack of a father figure and the only one he had being in a coma for six months had to have taken its toll on him. He would keep quiet and let this one pass.
“How can we be when Jay doesn’t know?” Gus asked breaking the silence. “I feel guilty, I feel dirty. Damien, I feel like shit. Yes, the sex was great and all, but I can’t get the idea out of my head that we shouldn’t have done that without talking to Jay first.”
“I have something to tell you,” Damien sighed. Admitting defeat, he knew he had to finally tell him, to share what had been eating away inside of him for days now. “He already knows about us.”
“I may have alluded to such the last time I spoke to him,” Gus sheepishly admitted.
“Well, remember the knock on the door afterwards?”
“Oh, no,” Gus whispered, his eyes widening in terror.
“Yes, he caught me wearing nothing but a towel in your dorm room. How could he not connect the dots?”
“We have to do something, Damien. We have to do it now.”
“How can we?” Damien asked. He added that Jay was hundreds of miles away from them. “Don’t you think this conversation should happen in person?”
“Yeah, you’re right,” Gus nodded. “I can’t stand this anymore. Yes, you’re attractive and I don’t regret having sex with you one bit, but I can’t help but feel like I’m the other man. You manipulated my feelings to get me to like you.”
“You say that like it’s a bad thing. I think what we have is pretty great.”
“Yeah, well it’s not, but it’s the best I’ve got. The truth is I can’t keep away from you. How can we be the great love story, the ultimate couple when we started our relationship through cheating?”
“How can it be cheating if it’s true love?” Damien asked.
“You can explain it away all you want, but until we can clear things up with Jay. Hell, I don’t even care if you propose a threesome for all I care. I’m just sick and tired of sneaking around. I don’t want to hide you and me from anybody, but until then, we’re done.”
Damien leaned forward to kiss him, but Gus punched him. “What the hell are you doing, you could’ve broken my nose!”
“Well, you should thank your lucky stars that I didn’t intend to. I mean it, Damien. No kissing, no holding hands, and especially no sex until we talk with Jay.”
“All right,” Damien whispered in reply. “I read you loud and clear.”
“Good.”
They walked back towards the car. It was going to be one hell of an awkward drive back to Gus’s campus. He couldn’t wait to talk to Jay to get that chapter of his life over with.
Cadence led Kerass over to a couch where they could sit and talk in peace.
“Did you come alone?” she asked. She added that she couldn’t believe he was here. “I’m so thankful, you have no idea.”
“I think I have a fairly good grasp on that.”
Cadence laughed. It had been so long since they had sat down with each other and just been present with one another. She still loved him, but no longer in a romantic way. Kerass was quite possibly the greatest friend she ever had and probably would ever have. “You’re special.”
“You’ve always reminded me of that. What has it been now, like four years?”
“Six.”
“Wow,” Kerass dragged the word out. “We’ve been through a lot, haven’t we?”
“We’ve had our fair share of ups and downs.”
“Yet we always seem to come back to each other.”
“No, Kerass,” Cadence shook her head. “We don’t, you do. You’re a pursuer. You always come back to me. I may have awakened that part in you or made you aware of it, but it’s always been there.”
“We don’t have to talk about me,” Kerass replied blushing.
“But I want to. I’m tired of thinking about me. It’s healthy for me to focus on somebody else for a change.”
“Well, I’d be happy to distract you any time.”
“Did you come alone?”
“Nah, Jay came with me. It was a long drive. He had to pee.”
Cadence snorted. “You didn’t have to explain that.”
“Oh, no, I do. Gotta get in every jab I can with him.”
Shaking her head, she uttered ridiculous to the side. He raised his eyebrows at her. How could they do this? How could they have such a normal conversation? So much had happened. She knew she had told him, not in person, but he was aware, that much was clear. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you after Lyra died.”
He looked away from her. He must be trying to compose himself. “Oh my god,” she said. “I’m so sorry. I struck a nerve, didn’t I?”
He nodded. Wiping tears away, he looked back at her locking eyes. “I’ll be fine,” he reassured her.
“You know it’s ok to cry in front of me,” she said placing her hand on his shoulder.
“I know,” he said sighing. “It’s just…it’s still too soon.”
Jay walked over to them with the biggest smile on his face. Cadence leapt out of her seat instantly hugging him.
“Wow, you two together again. The three of us. It’s like high school never ended.”
“Well, a lot’s happened since then,” Jay observed. “A lot I’d like to forget, but I’m here now. That’s all that matters.”
“Did you know he was taking you here to see me?”
“Honestly?”
She nodded.
“No,” Jay admitted. “But I’m thrilled to be here for you in your time of need. I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
“I knew you’d say that,” she replied brimming with tears. “How did I get so lucky?”
“What do you mean?” Kerass asked.
“Friends like you,” she said locking eyes with both of them, “they’re one in a million. I can’t believe I got both of you.”
“Well, I’m forever loyal,” Jay replied boastfully. “You’re never getting rid of me,” he added beaming.
She laughed. It was so good being here. If her mother forcing her to be here brought them to her again, than this whole week was worth it. “I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna tell Dr. Owens the truth today.”
“You’re on the right track. Honesty is always best,” Jay said.
“Yeah, I agree with Jay,” Kerass chimed in. “You need to be honest, open and vulnerable to move forward with your life. Finally admitting it openly, publicly will help you do that.”
“I honestly feel like I’ve been at a standstill all year. I haven’t been able to move forward at all. I’ve only replayed one decision over and over again. I just can’t move for-”
“Yeah, and it caused you to try and take your life,” Kerass interrupted her. “Stop making excuses, Cadence. It’s time for you to take ownership over what you’ve done so you can finally deal with it.”
Cadence sighed. She didn’t like hearing that, even though she knew it was true. Taking a deep breath, she said, “You’re right, of course. They’ve put me on medicine here and even I recognize that I’m becoming more stable emotionally speaking. I should have gotten on meds a long time ago.”
“Medication is a wonderful thing,” Jay stated. “Don’t solely rely on it though. You have others, friends in your life that you can fall back on, too.”
Nodding, she knew it was time for them to bid farewell. They had driven a long ways to see her and she didn’t want to hold them from driving back any longer. Holding Kerass’s hand, she placed it against her cheek, slowly dragging it off her face. Looking at his face, she could tell he didn’t mind. He didn’t look at her like she was crazy. It was like no time was lost. Hugging both of them tightly, she waved them off. The moment the door shut behind them, she burst into tears.
Jeremy read the first sentence of the letter again. He wasn’t surprised, but he was livid, devastated. Due to his issues with cutting, he had been kicked out of ROTC. How had they found out? He had been so careful to conceal it. Wait a minute, had he really? It didn’t matter now. It was gone. He had nothing else in his life, no direction of where to turn now.
Glancing over at his nightstand, he saw his Bible. No, he wouldn’t read it. God had abandoned him, or at the very least, it felt that way. God had definitely disappointed him. Why? Why had God allowed this to happen? It didn’t make any sense.
Crumpling up the letter in his fist, he felt angrier the tighter the paper became a ball. Silently, he flung the letter across the room watching the paper bounce off the wall, rolling across the floor.
Stepping towards the bathroom, his face red, overflowing with tears, he went straight towards his razor. It was cheap enough to buy one. No matter how many times he threw them away, he always bought another. He hated himself. He felt he was the absolute worst. There was only one way he knew to make him feel better, to stop the pain, to stop his tears. Despising himself even more, he put the razor on his arm and gently cut across it.
Walking across the street, away from campus, Jay smiled thankful he was finally able to find the time to meet up with Gil and his boyfriend, Francis, who he found quite hot.
“What a catch, Gil!” Jay observed. “You’re a lucky man.”
“Thanks, Jay,” Francis replied.
Gil blushed. “You didn’t have to be so blunt about it, man.”
“Don’t tell him to back down. I’ll take any compliment I can get,” Francis responded.
Jay looked down at Francis’s pants.
“Hey!” Gil yelled smacking Jay’s shoulder. “Keep your eyes up, at eye level only.”
“Fine, I guess I deserved that one.”
“Besides, you’ve already got a hot boyfriend,” Gil reassured him.
“An ex, you mean.”
“What?” Francis asked, his tone shocked, suddenly deeply interested.
“Glad to see I caught your attention,” Jay stated locking eyes with Francis. He continued saying it was meant to be. “Damien’s nothing more than an asshole, one who I caught naked in another man’s room, a friend of mine, might I add.”
“My god!” Gil exclaimed. “He seemed so pure, so loyal.”
“I know. Can you believe he actually asked me to wait to have sex with him until marriage?”
“Wow, really?” Francis chimed in.
“Yeah. I should’ve just asked him how often he masturbated. You know, I bet he didn’t even think of me when he did and I know he did.”
“That really sucks, man,” Gil replied patting him on the back. “I’m sorry I smacked you earlier. I had no idea.”
“I know you didn’t. No harm, no foul.”
“What are you gonna do?”
“I don’t know yet. I’ll probably just go out and fuck the first guy who says yes just to spite him.”
“Revenge sex never works out,” Francis scolded him. “It’ll only make you feel dirtier in the long run.”
“I, well, we might have another proposition for you.”
“No, I won’t have sex with you, Gil. No offense, but we never had chemistry together.”
“I’m not asking you to just have sex,” Gil defended himself.
“Yeah, see we’ve both been really honest with each other,” Francis explained. “We both love each other deeply, and we’re committed to each other.”
“Absolutely,” Gil agreed.
“But we both know that, well, at least for us, we can’t have just one partner.”
“See, Jay, we both know that we can’t just love one person. That’s what works for us. We’ve been looking for someone else to be with, not just for sex, but for love and romance, too.”
“You’re looking for a polyamorous relationship?” Jay asked, unsure of how to take the proposition.
“Yes,” Gil said.
“We both know you’re a great guy,” Francis added. “We’d love to have you be the third partner.”
“The third wheel, you mean,” Jay chastised.
“No, just 33% of the relationship. Equal standing, I assure you,” Gil replied.
“Just think about it,” Francis said. “We’ve wanted to ask you previously, but you were accounted for already, and well seeing as you’re free again…”
“How could we not ask you?” Gil smiled reassuringly.
“Yeah, I mean, we only have one shot at this life. Come on, man,” Francis said. “How could we not live while we’re young?”
“I’ll have to think on it,” Jay replied.
“Take your time,” Francis said gently.
It was a sweet proposition, albeit weird. Jay didn’t know what to do with it, but considering that Damien, the purest one of them all fell into cheating, well, he was up for anything just to get away from him. Deep down, he knew he wasn’t made for singleness.
Kerass knocked on the door. He couldn’t believe he was here again. He swore that he would never come back. Yet, here he was standing outside the door, waiting with bated breath for it to open.
“Kerass?” Jordan replied shocked as he opened the door. “I never thought I would see you again.”
“In many ways I don’t think you deserve to have me stand here before you, but I’m willing to move past it if you are.”
“Absolutely,” Jordan nodded quickly. “Come in.”
The room was completely packed. The bed didn’t have sheets on it. The desk and chair that belonged to the school were the only things remaining in the room.
“I’m so sorry I ever hurt you,” Jordan explained. “Please know I never had intentions of harming you. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind when you found me.”
“You don’t have to say it.”
“Thanks, Kerass.”
“Going somewhere?” he asked.
“Uh, yeah.”
“Please tell me you’re not leaving because of me. I’m willing to forgive you. Trust me I am.”
Jordan replied that he believed him. “No, I’m not leaving because of you, Kerass. You are not that powerful. I’m being deported. They’ve called me overseas again. I was given 48 hours notice, so off I go to defend the land of the free.”
Kerass exhaled. He couldn’t believe it. Jordan leaving, heading back to another traumatic situation overseas, it was heartbreaking to see him go. “Can you handle it?” he asked gently.
“I see that you spoke with Neve. She worries often.”
“How can you be leaving? I think I need you now more than ever.”
“No, you never needed me, Kerass, but I sure am glad you want me.”
“Can we talk about me and God?”
Jordan inhaled. Slowly exhaling, he said, “I knew you’d want to. Go on, buddy, talk.”
Dr. Owens looked at Cadence stunned. She knew she’d done it. She said the very words that would get her discharged.
“You’re ready to confess?” Dr. Owens asked. “Confess what?”
“I did it. I murdered my ex.”
“You murdered him? How long ago was this?”
“I can’t even remember now, but I remember every detail of that moment,” Cadence exhaled. She continued saying the memory was forever scarred, etched into her brain. “I can even tell you where I buried him.”
“Is this the man who’s been missing? The one with all the news reports.”
“Yes,” Cadence replied stoically. “I shot him. I killed him. I buried him.”
“You’ll have to show the police the spot.”
“That won’t be a problem. Just get me the hell out of here.”
“I’m afraid this means you’ll leave us in handcuffs.”
“That’s fine,” Cadence said bowing her head. “I’m ready to face the consequences over what I’ve done.”
“Ok. I don’t think we need anything else.”
Cadence thanked Dr. Owens and walked out of the room. She was ready to live again. It didn’t matter if her new life began in jail. At least she could finally move on with her life.
“How could God be so forgiving knowing what we’ve done to him?” Kerass asked disheartened.
“What have we done to him?” Jordan asked.
“Well, we’ve turned our back on him. We’ve abandoned him.” He added that he felt like crap for disowning God in the past. “I just think I’m the absolute worst.”
“We all are, Kerass. You’re no worse than anyone else.”
“How can we forgive?”
“Trust in the spirit. He’ll lead the way, help you out with that.”
“No offense, Jordan, but that’s kind of a shitty answer.”
“But it’s the truth.”
“I guess,” Kerass exhaled.
“Something’s on your mind. You don’t have to share it, but something tells me you want to.”
“Yeah, I’ve been avoiding it,” Kerass sighed. “It’s about my father. See he’s a pastor. His congregation loves him, but I hate him.”
Jordan locked eyes with him. It was uncomfortable, but his gaze never strayed. He never interrupted him.
Continuing, Kerass said, “He killed my mother. See, she was in a coma and he approved to have them pull the plug. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive him for that. That one decision pushed me away from God for years. The sickest thing of all,” he added tearing up, “was that he said he did it for me, to give me money to go to college. He didn’t understand that college didn’t matter. Having my mother, even if she couldn’t respond, that did. God,” he choked the word out, breaking down, “I miss her so much.” Taking a deep breath, he added, “Yet, I still want to walk with the Lord. I want to commit my life to him. Can I even do that if I still have so much pent up hatred towards my father?”
Jordan simply nodded. “Yes. I don’t think that’s possible long term, but the Lord can always grow that in you.”
“Can we do that?” he asked.
“What?”
“Will you bear witness that I’m committing my life to God?”
“I’d be honored.”
“But not here?”
“Kerass, you can’t hide this decision. It’s a bad sign that you want to back down from it.”
“I just want a more picturesque place. I want it just to be you, me, and God for the first moment, but just not in your dorm room.”
Jordan beamed. “Lead the way.”
Julia drove into Oak Stream. The sign greeting her, welcoming her into the town limits, it was all so overwhelming. She was back.
After grieving over Lyra’s passing, it finally felt right to return and visit home. Oddly enough, she felt thrilled to be back. She wanted to reach out to Kerass, but doubted that he was in town. All her old friends, they were all at college. Time had moved on, yet the town seemed exactly the same as she remembered: pathetically dull, boring, yet picturesque, with the most authentic, beautiful people she’d ever met.
It didn’t take long before she saw the red and blue lights flashing on the side of the road. She slowed down and looked. Cadence was in handcuffs. A shallow hole was dug up. The ripped up grass and dirt lay beside. A police officer held up a skull with a hole in the forehead. She was mortified. What had she missed since she left?
Jay stood up walking towards the dorm room door. It must be Kerass who kept knocking. “Forgot your key again?” he asked flabbergasted. “Where have you been all day, Ker-” he paused as he opened the door. Gus and Damien stood before him.
“Can we take a walk?” Damien asked.
“We’ve got something to tell you,” Gus added.
“I’ve got nothing to say to you, to either of you.” He told them they should just turn back now.
“Please?” Gus begged.
“Fine,” he replied disgruntled, quickly walking out the door.
The center of campus had three giant evergreens in a triangle. When you entered them, it was like entering a whole new world. No one disturbed you inside them. Kerass knew that. It was breathtaking, private.
When Jordan looked up, he gasped. “Wow. I’ve seen a lot, but I’ve never seen anything quite as beautiful as this before.”
“You’ve never stepped in here then?”
“Never thought to.”
Kerass looked up. It was just like he remembered it to be, as beautiful as ever. Taking a deep breath, he told Jordan he was ready. “I want to pray now.”
“You lead.”
“God, I’m so sorry I turned my back on you. I don’t even know if I was ever yours to begin with, but I want to be now. Please capture my heart, take my life. I don’t want to live for myself anymore.”
Exhaling, Kerass opened his eyes. “You think he listened?”
“I know he did,” Jordan reassured him. “That was a very honest prayer. I’m so proud of you. Come here,” he said opening up his arms.
Kerass welcomed the embrace. He knew he’d chosen the right person to witness in that moment. He wanted to remember everything about this day, a day he was convinced would forever change his life.
Jay walked beside them on the sidewalk as they walked around campus. No one said a word until they were clearly out of earshot from those around them.
“This had better be good,” Jay said agitated. He implored them to say whatever they had to say.
“It’s difficult. It’ll be hard for you to hear,” Gus said with great trepidation.
“Stop wasting my time! Spit it out.”
“I fell in love with someone else,” Damien said holding Gus’s hand.
“No, Damien, you fell in lust. You two, you’re both pigs as far as I’m concerned. I never want to see you, either one of you again.”
“We’ve had sex, Jay,” Gus stated. “We cheated on you.”
“Yeah, I already know that much. Why are you telling me now?”
“Just in case you had any doubts. How can we make this right?”
“You can’t.”
“Jay, I haven’t been fair to you,” Damien admitted. “You should have been the first guy I slept with. I’m sorry about that.”
“It doesn’t have to be terrible. You can sleep with both of us,” Gus offered.
“Yeah, Jay, neither of us want to lose you as a friend, a dear friend and it felt like the only fair thing to offer was that we’d both sleep with you.”
“What do you say?”
Jay glared at them. “Are you two insane? You’re offering me a threesome after you cheated on me, what the hell is wrong with you?”
“Please, Jay,” Gus pleaded. “Neither of us can feel right about being together unless we make it up to you first. I know you’ve wanted to be with a guy for years now. What’s the harm in letting it be with two friends?”
“Two ex friends,” Jay verbally spat at them. “No, never. You’re despicable, both of you. Fuck you. Fuck you both! Never talk to me again!” he screamed at them.
Jay bolted, running as fast as he could to get away from them. Tears of anger started overflowing down his face.
Kerass passed the final bag to Jordan who put it in the trunk. Turning around, Jordan hugged him, clinging tighter than any hug he’d ever experienced before.
“I’ll never forget you,” Kerass said gently.
“Neither will I,” Jordan sighed as tears brimmed around his eyes.
The car started. Kerass watched him leave. Before he knew it, the car was out of sight. Taking a deep breath, he knew he’d begun a new journey. His first night on the first day of his new life would be spent alone. No, he would never forget this day as long as he lived.
End of Year 6
No comments:
Post a Comment