Cadence stared at him, the man who had caused her so much harm. Glaring at him, she tried with one look to make him feel the pain he had put her through. His eyes seemed different. They seemed warm and welcoming.
“Please, Cadence,” he pleaded quietly.
Nothing needed to be said. She closed the door again and walked away. There was no banging on the door or more begging for her to take him back. She didn’t need to look to see if he had left. She didn’t care. The answer would forever be no.
Picking up the phone, Kerass knew he had to make the decision. He had thought he wasn’t strong enough, that he didn’t respect her enough. Yet once she told him to choose between her and a friend, granted a female friend, who was dying the answer was obvious. It was still hard and painful, but there was no way of getting around it.
Going to her name on his contacts list and purposefully selecting phone call to avoid seeing her face over FaceTime, he heard the phone ring once before she picked up.
“Kerass,” Jez breathed. “I hadn’t heard from you in three days. I was beginning to think you wouldn’t call.”
“Yeah…I was wondering when I would myself,” he breathed. He told her he was sorry it had taken so long.
“We usually FaceTime. Why just a phone call today?” she asked, apprehension in her voice.
Kerass cleared his throat. “God, this is so hard.”
“You don’t have to say it.”
“No, no, I, I do. You made me choose.”
“I know,” she replied, her voice shaking.
“I choose Lyra and the saddest part is she’s just a friend. I wanted to be with you, but I can’t turn my back on my friends. Not anymore.”
“I’m sorry I ever asked you. I’m not myself without you. I’m only half a heart. Please forgive me,” she begged crying.
“I, I can’t,” he stated with finality. He felt alive sticking up for himself. He didn’t wait for her to reply. “Goodbye, Jez,” he said under his breath and instantly hung up the phone.
Jeremy smiled as Jaden walked slowly towards him. She grabbed his hand and leaned forward to kiss him. He gently shook his head.
“Not today, Jaden,” he replied nervously.
He averted eye contact. She placed her hand on his face and turned it to meet her eyes. “Talk to me, please. We can work it out, but you have to be honest with me.” She concluded stating she at the very least deserved that.
“I think we need to slow down.”
“You want to break up with me?” she replied surprisingly stoic.
“No, just turn it down a few notches. I love you. You teach me things and delight in me. I don’t want to lose that, but when I’m around you all the time, I lose God. That’s not ok with me.”
“It shouldn’t be. God should always be number one.”
“I want to cut back on kissing.”
“That’s fine,” she instantly agreed.
“It takes me down a thought path that I can’t seem to get out of. I want you, so much, but if I lose God in the process, that just…I can’t even consider that.”
“I’m not asking you to lose God over me. That’s the last thing I want. I want your relationship with God to grow because we’re together.”
“I feel the same way.”
“What if instead of dinner every night, we only do one night, Saturday night? That way you can spend time with Pax and your other bros in Droplet.”
“Hmm…that’d be really good actually.”
Jaden nodded. “I need my sisters too. I’ve been neglecting them for you.”
“I never asked you to do that.”
“I know. We’ll make it through this, promise,” she replied.
She leaned forward to kiss him, but mid-way Jeremy saw in her eyes she remembered what they just talked about. She opened up her arms and hugged him. He couldn’t help but hug her right back. It felt natural and true. With that one act alone, he no longer felt guilty about his relationship with Jaden.
Logging onto Skype, Jay wiped his brow. He had just finished a jog around campus. His heart pounding, and not simply from the run, he looked over his contact list. Damien was away. Jay ran his hand through his hair. Had he forgotten about their Skype call? A moment later, the yellow circle became green.
Jay hovered over Damien’s name ready to pounce, itching to begin the call, but he froze. He didn’t want to appear too desperate. Next moment he realized he was being called.
Instantly accepting the call, he smiled as he saw Damien pop up on his laptop screen.
“Hey!” they both shouted at each other simultaneously.
“It’s good to see you,” Jay began. He had stated he had missed him.
“You know we talked last week, right?” Damien observed.
“Yeah, I know, but it doesn’t make it any less true.”
Damien smiled. “That’s sweet, Jay. Thanks for that. I missed you too.”
“Have you had a good week?” Jay asked curiously, but withholding his true question.
“Yeah, it was great, but that’s not what you want to ask me, is it?”
Jay exhaled avoiding eye contact. “No, not fully,” he timidly admitted.
“Why don’t you just say it? It’s not like we have to keep secrets from each other.”
“It’s just really awkward, ok?”
“So?” Damien chastised flabbergasted.
Letting go of his self-doubt and fears with one exaggerated sigh, Jay said, “I think there can still be something between us, more than friends.”
“You’re asking me to start dating you again?” Damien gingerly asked.
“No, not fully at least. See, I’m in college now. I don’t want to wait anymore. We’re friends, good friends, great friends. I thought, maybe, since we trust each other, you could be my first time.”
“Wow, and you’re asking me this post-dating,” Damien laughed. “You were right to be hesitant man, that’s one hell of a weird question.”
Jay tried to avoid eye contact. He felt torn. He wanted the answer to be yes because he did trust Damien and he felt Damien would be very sweet, but it would also change the friendship dramatically. Even though he said it wouldn’t, he knew deep down that sex created a completely new dynamic that he wasn’t sure how it would affect their friendship. The part that treasured his friendship with Damien hoped and begged that the answer would be no.
“It’s a sweet offer, Jay, and I know you mean it that way. It’s hella weird, but sweet. Look, I’m going to say no, but not for the reasons you think. See, I know I’m gay and all, but I still hold a very traditional view of marriage.”
“Wait, what?” Jay asked bewildered.
“I’m saving myself until marriage. I’m going to be a virgin until my wedding night.”
Jay was floored. He didn’t know any homosexual still believed in traditional marriage values. It was beautiful, enticing, and romantic, but he didn’t know if he could wait the way Damien was convicted to.
“You’ve got a choice,” Damien offered. “I agree, I think there’s something really unique, really special between us, but I’m not going all the way until the wedding night. If you’re willing to wait with me, I’d love to date you again. If not, and there’s no judgment if you can’t, we’ll still be friends. I just can’t do what you’ve asked me too.”
Jay breathed deeply. He knew a year ago he felt everything between him and Damien was over, but with Lyra being terminally ill and Damien being so sweet and consistent in his life, he couldn’t imagine his life without him. Could he date him? He felt like he could have a future with Damien, but he was tired of waiting. Gil would give him a temporary fling and sure it’d be fun, but he didn’t see them sustaining long term. He felt torn about it.
“I hate to cut this short, but I’ve just gotta think,” Jay admitted.
“Take your time,” Damien reassured him, waving goodbye to him as Jay shut his laptop screen.
Kerass felt his heart pounding as he saw Lyra lying down in the hospital bed. She was filled with so much joy. A smile burst through her like sunbeams cascading through the clouds.
They exchanged the briefest of pleasantries. Kerass asked her how she was doing, but she didn’t answer. He felt they weren’t even listening to each other, just delighting in each other’s presence.
“I’ve got something for you,” she stated ecstatically.
“I’d love to see it.”
“Hear it,” she corrected him.
Kerass backtracked stating he would be overjoyed to hear it. “I’m all ears.”
“This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends. You are My friends if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you. It’s from John 15, verses 12-15. By the way, it’s the New American Standard Bible, my favorite biblical translation,” Lyra whispered at the end.
“Well, that translation is certainly patriotic.”
Lyra beaming replied, “You’re funny.”
“Why’d you share that with me?”
“Because whenever I read that passage, my favorite part of scripture, the Holy Bible, I think of you. You are a great friend, Kerass, and you don’t even see it,” she said, her voice husky.
He wiped a tear from his face. He didn’t want her to see how emotional her words had made him.
“Don’t hide your face from me. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. Crying shows honesty. I love when people are honest with me.”
“I’m sorry,” Kerass whispered in reply. “You shouldn’t have to see me like this. It’ll only bring you down.”
“No,” Lyra shook her head. “It only emphasizes how close we truly are.”
“Your words are beautiful.”
“It’s not me who speaks to you, it’s God.”
He tried his best to not roll his eyes. She was truly genuine, but he just felt like he was being preached at. It was the sacrifice he had to make being around her.
“Kerass, I want to leave you my Bible after I pass away.”
“Why?”
“I want you to read it. I pray every day for you to come back to faith.”
“Why don’t you pray for yourself to get better?” he asked, pain laden in his voice.
“Because your salvation is more important than my health.”
“I didn’t think you were religious.”
“I stumbled when I first found out I was sick. I avoided God altogether, but He found me and I slipped right back in.”
“I’ll never understand you.”
“Good, that’ll keep you around to ask more questions. Will you do another favor?”
“I haven’t said yes to the first one.”
“No, but you will. I know you’ll respect my wishes, at least on that end.”
“What’s the other favor?” he asked averting attention from the previous request.
“I want you to sing me a song.”
“What? But I can’t sing.”
“It doesn’t matter. I want to hear your voice.”
“What song?”
“Any,” she breathed. “One that encapsulates our friendship.”
Kerass nodded. The two requests didn’t seem linked at all, but if they were her dying wish to him, he would make sure he would sing as loud as he could to please her.
“What’s your ultimate hope? It sounds like you’ve already given up the fight.”
“No, but it’s unlikely,” she replied. “I’m just trying to be realistic about this. I’d feel completely at peace if I became an adult.”
“If you turned 18?” Kerass filled in the blank.
She smiled. “You read my mind. I don’t know why that’s so important to me. I just want to become legal, to complete childhood before I die.”
Kerass felt his face change composure. Tears welling up, he was incapable of hiding it now. Hearing her talk, seeing her on that bed broke his heart into a million pieces. Not only did he commit himself to sing to her, but he would do anything to get her out of that hospital bed at least once more to take her back to where she felt most at home: in nature.
Jaden took a deep breath. Pax was sitting on the bench in the midst of the three giant evergreens. Their friendship had taken a turn in this spot years ago and she had avoided it ever since, but he must have found serenity in it.
Kneeling down she hugged him from behind. He grabbed her arms and held them there. Glad he didn’t push her away, she let go and sat down beside him.
“You should be very proud of your boy,” Jaden broke the ice. She continued stating that it was very brave of him to come to her like that.
“Who? Jeremy?”
“Yeah,” she nodded. “He really loves the Lord.”
“You do too, Jaden. I know that.”
“You were right though.”
“Meaning what?” he asked.
“I started dating Jeremy to get back at you.”
“Punishing me by hurting Jeremy is only going to hurt you, not me.”
“I agree, and I’m totally fine with you and Maddie by the way. I don’t know it just, the whole age gap thing caught me by surprise.”
“It did for me too, but we didn’t start dating until 2 years after she left our campus. That was how I knew it was real. Distance didn’t really matter. I just wanted to be with her. She helps me get closer to God.”
“I’m sure you do the same,” Jaden added smiling.
“We help each other,” he paused. “She misses you, you know?”
“She didn’t seem that sentimental.”
“Then you don’t remember her best friend, River?”
“Professor Getachew?”
Pax raised his eyebrows. “Yeah, they’ve known each other since they were in college.”
“Has she kept up with him?”
“Honestly, no, but that’s as much on him as it is on her. I believe they’ll find each other again.”
“Is he competition?”
“Remember he’s not a believer.”
“You don’t know that.”
“As far as I know, that’s not a problem. Mad’s talked to me about their friendship. It was never sexual at all. They wanted to be around each other, as friends. Sure there some kinetic spark, but it wasn’t romantic at all. I’ll be straight with you, we haven’t kissed yet.”
“Really?” she replied inquisitively, yet sensitively.
“Yeah, that thought path takes me to sinful, lustful places. To avoid that, we don’t kiss.”
“How do you keep the romance alive?”
“I write love letters to her.”
“Now that’s beautiful.”
“Thank you,” he responded placing his hand on her shoulder, gently gripping it.
Nervous as to how clingy the question sounded in her mind, she held her breath. What was the point in questioning their friendship? They cared for each other.
“Do you need to split with my boy Jeremy?” he asked breaking her train of thought.
“No,” she shook her head. “My intentions in starting to date him were wrong, but I found myself falling for him and his love for the Lord. I think we haven’t helped each other grow in the Lord, but I think that can change. I want that to change.”
“Good, I’m glad.”
“Should I tell him?”
“I wouldn’t risk it. Remember, he’s still a stupid freshman. It’d be crushing to him.”
“Maybe you’re right,” she averted eye contact. She really wanted to tell Jeremy so their relationship could be completely open and honest, but Pax did have a point. There wasn’t a problem right now as they were working things out and if she mentioned it, things could completely derail.
Striking up the courage, she changed the subject and asked the question she had been afraid to ask before, “Do you think we’ll be like Maddie and River?”
“No,” he shook his head, “we’ll be better. We’re brother and sister.”
Cadence walked into her mother’s bedroom. Her mother was working late that night. She didn’t trust anyone else, she couldn’t. Opening the drawer on the nightstand, she saw that it was still there. The light on the nightstand glinted on the barrel of the gun. Opening the revolver, she confirmed it was fully loaded. Picking it up, she carried it with her out of her mother’s bedroom.
The phone rang twice. Kerass swallowed, trying to calm himself down. Damien picked up on the third ring. Breathing a sigh of relief, Kerass found himself starting to tear up. Damien had been so good, so faithful to him as a friend, and he had continuously pushed Damien away.
“I’ve been terrible to you,” Kerass said, he voice shaking through tears.
“You don’t have to say it,” Damien said. He went on to say that all was forgiven.
“Please,” Kerass begged. “Just let me get this out.” When he heard silence on the other end, he knew he was allowed to continue. “I viciously attacked you verbally, especially regarding your sexuality.”
“It’s not the first time I’ve heard that,” Damien reassured him gingerly.
“I know, but you should never hear that from a friend. I hope we’re still friends, if you’ll have me.”
“Oh, Kerass, throw all your doubts away about that. We’ll always be friends, a verbal smack down ain’t gonna change that.”
“You are a real man, Damien and a real friend. I broke up with Jez. You were right all along, I just couldn’t see it until she made me choose.”
“Will you listen to me next time?”
“I’ll try to.”
“Trust our friendship. We’ll get through this. Now wipe away your tears. This is a happy moment as you’ve taken care of yourself by getting away from an abusive person who was suppressing you.”
“You’re right,” Kerass said feeling lighter already.
“I’m gonna need to go though, bud. We’ll talk again soon. Promise me you’ll call again.”
“You got it,” Kerass said cracking a smile before he hung up. Breathing a sigh of relief, he checked his voicemail. Jay’s name stared at him. He had neglected to listen to it for far too long. Pressing play, he held the phone to his ear, and listened.
“Hey, uh, Kerass, I know we haven’t talked in forever. I’m just gonna keep this short and sweet. I still care for you deeply. I know our friendship hasn’t been the way it was for years and maybe we’ll never get back to that, but perhaps we’ll become something different, something better. I’ll always be here for you. Call me at anytime and I’ll answer. That’s a promise.”
He trusted their friendship. They would make it through his distancing. Sure, Jay had brought up the whole college thing to his father. No longer pissed about that, he felt genuinely grateful. He knew he had the chance to live and he wanted to take advantage of all that life had in store.
He called Jay, taking a deep breath. Jay picked up after the first ring. “I’m sorry,” Kerass stated solumly. “I need your help.”
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