Kerass stared at Lyra, the girl that pushed him away. She stood before him like nothing had happened over the past 6 months. He tried his best to not yell at her. “Why are you here?” he asked bitterly.
“I need to explain why I pushed you away and I just needed to know that you’re ok,” Lyra replied.
“I’m fine, better than fine actually. I’m great, no thanks to you.”
“I guess I deserve that,” she conceded. “Why aren’t you at Oak Stream over the holiday?”
“I don’t need to answer that. I’m seeing someone else, so if you’re trying to get me back you’re too late.”
“It’s not that,” Lyra shook her head. “This would’ve been so much easier had you been home over the break. You deserve an explanation. If I could go back and change the way I reacted I would, but I can’t and time’s running short.”
Kerass told her she wasn’t making any sense. “What are you saying exactly?”
“I’m dying.”
Cadence heard a knock at the door. He couldn’t possibly be home yet. The day would be much more difficult if that were true. Upon opening the door, she saw Gus standing before her.
“Oh my god…” Cadence whispered. “What are you doing here?”
“Am I allowed in?” Gus asked.
“No,” Cadence said closing the door, but Gus’s hand prevented it from being shut.
“We need to talk.”
Cadence asked him what there was to talk about. “I have a new man. There’s nothing left to say.”
“Yes there is. Did you read my note?”
Cadence bit her tongue. Hesitating, she said, “I have and it doesn’t change a thing.”
“I’m sorry to here that, but it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t change that I’ll be here for you. This guy is bad news.”
“How do you know?” Cadence challenged him.
“It’s simple really, you avoid talking about it. That’s proof enough.”
“I don’t need you to save me.”
“I know. You’re stronger than you think you are. You can do this, but if he threatens you I can help.”
“I want to leave, Gus, but I can’t. I love him.”
“I know that if I forced you to leave you’d go right back to him. You need to commit to stay away from him, not me. You’ve made your decision. The door is always open to talk, but from now on, you’re going to be the one instigating,” Gus said sternly, but with a gentleness to his voice. He left without saying goodbye.
Cadence walked into the bedroom. She pushed away the covers off the side of the bed. Lifting the mattress, she looked at the note that Gus had written to her. It remained unopened.
Kerass led Lyra around campus showing her the fountains, the volleyball field, the auditorium. She seemed intrigued by it all. They discussed everything except themselves. She seemed to light up whenever he showed her another part of the campus. Two words changed everything. The past forgiven and forgotten was nothing more than a distant memory. Neither said a word about why she was there, avoiding the subject altogether.
Lyra had brought a camera. Kerass rolled his eyes as she took a picture of every corner of campus. Eventually she handed the camera to him and told him he needed to take pictures of her on a college campus. She dressed the part: putting on a bathrobe with a backpack slung across one shoulder. It looked like she had been on campus all semester. She ran inside to his dorm to do a quick change in the bathroom. She put on a yellow dress, a white dress, a black dress, and a tie-dye campus t-shirt tucked into blue jeans. That was all before 11. They still had more outfits to take pictures with for the afternoon. Every picture had her beaming, but Kerass felt that she was hiding. He didn’t want to force the subject, but he felt they needed to. He determined he would talk to her about it over lunch.
Pax laid on his bed. It felt good to be home over break. Sure he missed his Droplet family, the friends he had made through the Christian campus organization, but it was great to take a break from them as well.
He pulled out his Bible opening up to the book of Jeremiah. Having started the book months ago, he had lost momentum with it due to schoolwork and it was just plain depressing, fascinating for sure, but depressing to read about a man striving so hard to hold onto his home, but knowing that God would not let the people stay. He tried to remember what chapter he was on. He kept rereading the same chapter and hated that he had done so because it all felt like such a waste of time as he wasn’t moving forward. There was no progress made on the book or his Bible reading at all. He flipped through the pages reading the section headings. No, it didn’t seem like things would get any better any time soon. Although he knew he should read it to spend time with God, he just felt it was too overwhelming to comprehend. Against his better judgment, he closed the book. Maddie, his girlfriend, wouldn’t be happy with him, but he knew she would understand as she had gone through something similar a few years ago.
His cell phone rang. Putting the Bible on his nightstand, he grabbed his phone out of his pocket and saw that Jaden was calling.
Picking up the phone he asked her how she was. “It’s been a long time, you know seeing as it’s only been what like 2 days since we’ve seen each other,” he added sarcastically.
“I’m fine, but there’s no point in being snippy. We’ve gotta keep in contact with each other, especially since we’re family. I mean Droplet is family.”
“Yeah, but I don’t need to be reminded of that every week.”
“I think you do,” Jaden replied gingerly.
“I guess I just don’t feel the same way. Like, for example, I’m not talking to Jeremy at all this week.”
“But you’re mentoring him…” Jaden trailed off.
“Exactly and he’s hella pissed, but that don’t change a thing.”
“Well he needs me, so I’ve talked to him.”
“Daily?”
“That’s none of your business,” she defensively stated.
“Be careful with him. You hurt him, I hurt you.”
“Oh come on Pax. We’ve worked through worse things before.”
“I know it, but I’m just not convinced you’re dating him for the right reasons.”
“Well, what are the reasons that you’re dating?”
“Because she loves God first. She loves me and I love her and she challenges me in my faith. You know full well about that,” he passionately responded.
“How so?”
“It’s Maddie, Jaden. I’m dating Maddie Smith.”
“My old mentor?”
“One and the same.” Pax waited a moment to hear a reply before he realized she had hung up on him. “Figures.”
Sitting down at the cafeteria, Kerass felt the inevitable had finally come. He took a few bites while they ate in silence. Clearing his throat, finally working up the courage he asked, “How long have you known?”
“July 3rd, the summer before senior year,” she replied.
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
“What would you have done had you known?”
“I would’ve stayed with you, the way you did for me.”
“Yes, I believe that’s true, but that’s not what I wanted. I never wanted you to stop living for me.”
“Did it ever occur to you that there was a joy in living because of you?” He told her she had changed him. “You knew how to draw me out of my comfort zone, to push me. You knew exactly what I needed. Why didn’t you allow me to be there for you?”
“Because it gave me joy to see you enjoying life again.”
“I’ll never forget the time on the mountain.”
Lyra smiled bigger than he had ever seen her smile before. “Neither will I.”
“Are you sure it’s terminal?”
“No,” Lyra replied avoiding eye contact. “It’s unclear. I could live through this, but I just don’t know if I want to.”
“Why?”
“I’ve loved life, but I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself for not finishing on something that I started. That’s why I didn’t apply to school. I couldn’t begin college knowing I might die before I would graduate.”
“But if you were cured, you could go,” Kerass prompted.
“Yeah…” Lyra replied gazing out the windows.
“What is it? What are you fighting against?”
“I think it’s best if I don’t say. I don’t want you wasting time looking up the disease when you could just be present with me. I don’t want you to look back when you think of me and be sad because an illness took my life. I want you to think that in spite of it all I continued to relish life. I lived.”
“It sounds like you’ve given up already.”
“I’ve been sick a long time, Kerass. When I thought about the sickness, tried to fight against it, I pushed everyone away. I’m not going to do that anymore. I’ve accepted that I’m sick. I’m open to the idea of getting better, but I can’t fight it anymore. I’ve seen others get better during the office visits, but they all had their families and friends surrounding them. I messed up by not telling anybody about it. Since I’ve been sick this long the doctors say it’s highly unlikely that it’ll ever go into remission. They told me to make preparations. I am dying, Kerass. I’ve accepted that. I wanted to ask you to spend some time with me over winter break before I die.”
“I will. In fact, I’ll be seeing a lot of you.”
“Thank you,” she said caressing his face, leaning forward and kissing his cheek.
“You don’t understand. I’m going to defer next semester so I can move back to Oak Stream.”
“I didn’t ask you to do that.”
“I know. It’s already decided.”
Ripping the envelope open, Cadence began to read Gus’s letter, the letter that had haunted her since before high school graduation. She knew the timing had never been right to read it before and while she had pushed him away, the fact that he showed up at all solidified for her that she needed to read it. It read:
Cadence,
I don’t know what to say other than I love you. I’ve loved being romantically involved with you, but I’ve also loved being your friend. If we’re meant to be together romantically, I ask selfishly that you give me time and space. I don’t need a girlfriend right now. I need a friend.
I’ve never met anyone who’s more willing to listen and desires to know others more than you. You care for people so deeply. I can’t care for you romantically right now. The best way I can be there for you is as a friend. We started out friends and I think we can remain that way.
If you choose not to be friends, I’ll be sad, but I can move on. I know I’ve pushed you to do a lot of things this year, but to me it’s all been worth it to see who you truly are, a strong, passionate, loving person. I’ll always be there for you as a friend. Just say when.
Gus
Folding the letter back up, Cadence clasped the paper to her chest. Taking a deep breath, she processed through every word again, putting the letter to memory. She knew then what she must do.
Jay walked with Jeremy down Main Street. Even though they were on the same campus together, they barely spent time with each other. “This is nice,” Jay said bursting the silence. He added that he had missed Jeremy.
“I’ve missed you too, man. I’m sorry I’ve been distant lately. Droplet just takes up so much time. You know you could always come to a meeting.”
“Maybe next semester.”
“Dude, it’s not just been Droplet. I’m dating someone.”
“Really?” Jay replied hesitantly. He tried to come across nonchalantly, but had a fear his disappointment was coming through.
“Yeah, her name’s Jaden and she’s gorgeous.”
“What do you like about her?”
“She’s a part of Droplet for one, but we don’t really talk much, we just sort of make out all the time, not that I’m complaining or nothin’. She’s just a girl.”
“Girl almighty?”
“You could say that.”
“Hey, um, I’ve got a question,” Jay attempted to change the subject.
“Well don’t just keep it in, why don’t you share it?”
“You know who I am. I mean it’s no secret or anything. You know I’m gay. Would you still love me if I dated another man?”
“I thought we had gone through this already. You already know the answer. Yes, of course. We’ll always be friends. I don’t understand it, like at all, but you have nothing to worry about. I’ll love you anyway. No questions asked.”
Jay nodded. It was exactly what he needed to hear in that moment. He no longer doubted how much he was cared for.
“I don’t want this anymore,” Cadence told him. She had all of her things packed up at the front door. “I’m leaving you and don’t follow me.”
“You can’t leave!” he yelled out. He slapped her on the face. She gasped. He picked her up and shoved her through a pair of glass doors. Her head hit the edge of the kitchen counter on the fall down. Blood started leaking, spreading across the wooden floor. Regret instantly kicked in. Rushing to her side, he checked her pulse. She wasn’t breathing. He couldn’t find a heartbeat.
The day had been so delightful that Kerass didn’t want it to end. Aside from the conversation during lunch, he was able to get lost in the façade they were hiding behind. He believed he helped Lyra forget about it too. Jez was his girlfriend and he loved her, but Lyra had such a special place in his life. It just wasn’t the same between them. There was more of a history with Lyra. He didn’t know what he would do without her.
Kerass opened his mouth to ask her if she had enjoyed her day, but the question never slipped out. Lyra passed out. Instantly Kerass caught her before she collapsed on the concrete.
The man watched as the ambulance came taking Cadence away from him. Only in that moment had he realized the gravity of what he’d done. Placing the paddles on her body, they attempted to resuscitate her.
Kerass was unaware that he had begun yelling and screaming.
“Lyra? Lyra, wake up! Lyra! HELP!”
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