Lying in bed, Jay stared at the ceiling breathing deeply. He tried to control his breaths letting them be as rhythmic as possible. His thoughts were racing. He needed to journal. The reality of moving off the bed was too difficult in the moment, but his thoughts were already speeding by him. Perhaps it was best if none of this were written down on paper.
Jeremy. Poor, poor Jeremy. Jay couldn’t think of a single way to help him. Sitting with him had at least gotten Jay inside that house and amazingly enough Jeremy had continued to attend school even though all he had gotten was scrutiny. Jeremy was becoming more and more of a recluse every day. He allowed Jay to walk alongside him, just to be with him, but nothing beyond that. They weren’t even able to talk to each other in the hallways. Being around him was something he wanted to do, to be there for his friend, but it weighed down on him like nothing else had before. Jeremy was completely depressing to be around.
How could he help Jeremy if he didn’t even enjoy being around him? Jeremy wasn’t fun anymore. He had been stubborn and that stubbornness had finally bitten him in the ass. Jay felt terrible for even giving it a thought, but there was a part of him that felt like he had deserved it. He had warned Jeremy repeatedly what would’ve happened. That satisfactory feeling of being right was only fleeting though.
Marching band, the play, Cadence, Kerass, none of it seemed to matter anymore. The fickleness of high school friendships had taken him for a loop. There were moments when he thought he and Kerass were strong enough to survive it, but he wasn’t so sure anymore. Considering they hadn’t talked in months, he wasn’t fully convinced they would survive senior year. Jeremy though, they were strong enough, but considering what happened, he knew he wasn’t a good enough friend, a strong enough friend to help him through this. Nothing he did seemed to make any dent at all and the further into the year they got, the glummer he became.
The only thing he could do was stand beside him and even that was becoming harder to do. He didn’t know how long he could last. What kind of a friend was he if he couldn’t stand by his friend during this rough time? But Jeremy wasn’t getting any better and it didn’t seem like he had any strength left, any desire to get better, so there they waited, forever stagnant.
Before he knew it, before he had written a single word in his journal, it was time to go to the bus. Understandably Jeremy had been confined to the bus. Jay didn’t pay any attention to what his father was saying and his verbal response was on autopilot. Jeremy was already at the bus stop by the time Jay arrived. They looked at each other, both of them knowing that they couldn’t say anything to each other, but at least Jay believed that they needed each other.
The Christian Fellowship had attempted to help the situation, but to no avail. From the looks of it Jeremy was going further and further away from Christianity. Jay thought he would be fine with that decision, but oddly enough he wasn’t. He firmly believed there were multiple paths to paradise, but Christianity seemed to just fit Jeremy so beautifully. Christianity clicked with Jeremy in a way that it never clicked with Damien.
Jay wasn’t even aware that he had already stepped onto the bus and was sitting beside Jeremy. Both of them were completely tuned out to the world surrounding them. Jeremy was facing the biggest dilemma in his life, one that Jay had no answers in how to solve. When you knew you had wronged someone, how could you ever forgive yourself?
Cadence stood in the school’s parking lot afraid to step into the building. Gus hadn’t spoken to her. No communication between them had occurred in several days. For all intents and purposes, their relationship was over. This was the hardest thing for her to accept. There was no build up to the break up, it just happened. They hadn’t even talked it through, but deep down, she could no longer deny it.
All she had wanted to do was to help others in high school. She knew she desperately wanted others to love her enough to want to help her, but she knew how unlikely that would be. People didn’t have the time or the desire to do so. Everyone was focused on their own dilemmas that her own, the breakup of a serious relationship, seemed superfluous in comparison.
Inside she knew she was scared. She wanted help and the most viable option was the Christian Fellowship. Despite her own precautions, she enjoyed the meeting much more than she wanted to admit. They’re unjudgmental love and compassion towards Jeremy shocked her. She had never seen such unconditional love before in her life. Everything in her wanted to experience love like that, even though it didn’t seem to help Jeremy at all.
She didn’t believe in Christianity or it’s teachings of total devotion at all, but she couldn’t deny the appeal of that community, one that she desperately needed. Yet she couldn’t force herself to go back. To her very core, she knew that she would never convert to that cult. Forget all the love and affection they gave her. She could never fully commit her life to a single ideology.
People breezed past her as she remained still, unmoving, simply staring at the school. She knew she wouldn’t be able to learn today. There was no question about that. She wasn’t even convinced she’d be able to take notes. There was just something so deeply depressing about walking into the school building this day of all days. She knew she’d see him there and she knew they wouldn’t say anything to each other. There wasn’t enough drive within her to walk over to him and say something. All she wanted to do was just disappear, but that was impossible with so many people walking around her.
She hadn’t felt at home at Our Savior. She hadn’t felt at home at Oak Stream. She hadn’t felt at home anywhere. The nature of the beast that was high school weighed down on her like an anchor plummeting to the bottom of the sea. The grand finale, graduation, couldn’t come quick enough. There was something about even beginning the school day that was tough for her. It shouldn’t even matter. It was a day like every other. It would come, it would go, and before she knew it her relationship with Gus would be a distant memory. She had to keep reminding herself that this glum, sour mood she was in wouldn’t last forever, even though in the moment it sure felt like it would.
Forcing herself to move, she exhaled attempting to let go of all the negative energy, the depressing thoughts surrounding her. It didn’t work, not even a little bit. She felt foolish for even trying, but what could she do? The day was about to begin. Before she knew it the warning bell would ring. She had wasted so much time just standing in the school’s parking lot that it even surprised her that she might be late to the first class of the day. No, she wasn’t herself. She wasn’t herself at all.
Kerass stared at nothing. He got lost sitting at his desk during study hall. Everything was changing for him. Hiding was no longer an option. Bryce knew. Bryce knew it all. In a wave of desperation after Bryce called him out on cutting himself, Kerass revealed all. It was cathartic, therapeutic, and engrossing all at once. The instant he opened his mouth to speak, he couldn’t stop. All of his built-up anger towards his father, his lack of friends, his inability to talk about what really happened with his mother’s death, everything came out in a ranting monologue. Bryce said nothing at first. He simply walked over and hugged Kerass. Kerass tried his hardest to not crumble into tears, but before he knew it the faucet turned on. As strong as he liked to believe himself to be emotionally, he found himself vulnerable, weak, yet completely accepted and embraced during his pain.
After all the tears he could muster had been shed, Bryce started to speak again. Kerass had been so scared to reach out and ask for help. He wouldn’t have even talked at all had he not been caught, but in a strange way Bryce felt like he wanted to be caught, which was completely false. Bryce strongly implored him to share with others, but he knew he couldn’t. He’d never be able to face Mr. Baganz and say it to his face. He’d never be able to share it with Jay. Jay, who’d been right all along, who’d been the only friend who’d truly paid attention, who was a true friend, no, Kerass couldn’t tell Jay. It was too painful to think about. Kerass didn’t view himself as a very clingy or emotional guy and Jay was both of those things to the utmost extreme. Internally he knew he should. Mr. Baganz, Jay, they’d both accept him and care for him through this pain, but Kerass just couldn’t bring himself to speak without being caught.
He sat in silence not doing any schoolwork, just thinking. He felt his lungs were bursting into flames. The desire to confess to Mr. Baganz was so strong that he felt he had trouble breathing. The guilt he felt over hiding his struggles was so overwhelming that he wanted to rectify that. There was no way he could just walk out of study hall without asking permission and he knew that visiting Mr. Baganz wasn’t a good enough excuse, but he had to find a way out.
Standing up, Kerass requested whether he could go to the bathroom. With permission in place, he walked out of the classroom. The hall was completely empty, not even an administrator was walking around. Knowing he had lied, Kerass headed with confidence to the history hallway hoping that Mr. Baganz didn’t have a class that morning.
Jay and Jeremy happened to be talking in the hallway. Kerass bewildered wondered what they were doing outside of class. It dawned on him that they all had study hall that morning.
“Wait,” Kerass paused. “Why isn’t there anyone navigating the hallway?”
“I’m sure it’s nothing,” Jay replied.
“No, it’s too quiet,” Kerass said.
“Something’s wrong,” Jeremy agreed.
The speakers blared. The fire alarm shrieked. The loudspeakers said: “This is not a fire drill. Stay in your classrooms. The school is on lockdown.”
They all burst into Mr. Baganz’s classroom. Mr. Baganz quickly shut the door, turned off the lights and attempted to console them as they all hid underneath the desks on the floor.
“What’s going on?” Kerass demanded.
Mr. Baganz clearly hesitated, but spoke anyway after a moment’s pause. “Someone called into the school claiming there was a bomb in the cafeteria. They just emailed us about it to let any students we recognize in the hallways enter our classrooms without question. The school’s on lockdown because of a bomb threat.”
Cadence, Lyra and Gus sat in the auditorium unsupervised. They all stared at each other trying to understand what was happening. Nothing made any sense.
“Should we hide?” Gus asked.
“Yes,” Cadence whispered in reply.
“Let’s go backstage,” Lyra suggested.
As they rushed backstage, Lyra’s phone buzzed.
“Turn that off!” Cadence whispered concernedly.
“No, wait,” Lyra replied. “It’s from Kerass. It’s a bomb threat. That’s why we’re all hiding.”
“Tell me you’re joking,” Gus closed his eyed.
“You think this is a joke?” Lyra snapped back.
“I just, I can’t,” Gus stammered. “I can’t even, I don’t know what to say.”
“That makes all of us,” Lyra replied. “Well, let’s keep quiet until we hear something.”
“Agreed,” Gus tacked on.
They hid in silence for over an hour. Not a noise was made. Even the sound of their breaths seemed muted.
“I can’t sit in silence any longer,” Lyra murmured shattering the glass wall of silence encapsulating them.
“How long have we been waiting?” Cadence questioned.
“It feels like infinity,” Lyra replied.
“I wish I had ditched,” Cadence added forlornly.
“Let’s talk about something.”
“About what?” Gus asked.
“Anything.”
“You wouldn’t want to hear it,” Gus said.
“It seems like it’s been forever. Not one authority figure has come to search for us,” Cadence added.
“Of course not,” Gus rolled his eyes. “The school’s on lockdown.”
“I wasn’t suggesting that. Let’s try and focus on something else, please,” Lyra begged.
“How long do they expect us to wait?” Cadence asked, her voice trembling.
“Are you crying?” Gus asked.
“Is it that obvious?”
“Only by the sounds,” Lyra tagged in. “It’s not like we can see each other in the darkness. I’m so tired of living in the darkness.”
“What are you talking about, Lyra?” Gus asked.
“I thought it was clear…” Lyra trailed off. “It’s just…we’re all going to die one day. Every single one of us. We might even make it through the day. I’m tired of hiding, but I still can’t bring myself to speak.”
“Can we change the subject please?” Cadence begged.
“Oh, now you’re ok with changing the subject? That’s just great. Thanks Cadence,” Lyra snarkily replied.
“Shut your trap,” Cadence snapped back.
“What are we hiding?” Gus asked. “What are all of us hiding?”
“I can’t say,” Lyra said glumly. “Only us as individuals can begin to answer that question.”
“Well that cleared things up,” Cadence snidely replied.
“What are you hiding, Cadence?” Lyra questioned.
“I already know that answer,” Gus responded.
“Fine. I’ll share. It’s not like I’ve got anything better to do. It’s time,” Cadence said taking a deep breath. “But first why don’t you tell me what you think happened in London?”
“Sure,” Gus replied. “I’ve got nothing to hide. You were in London to find your father.”
Cadence closed her eyes. “I was afraid you’d say that.”
“Why? Because I’m right?”
“How’d you know?”
“Because I was in London for the same reason.”
“What?” Cadence whispered.
“Don’t worry. Like I said, I’ve got nothing to hide. I’ll share after you share.”
“I, I’m sorry I can’t find the words,” Cadence said trying to catch her breath.
“I admit that I should have waited to share that. That’d put me in a loop too. All right, I’ll start,” Gus began. “It’ll give you a moment to compose yourself. My birth father left my mother before I was even born. She had a childhood friend who helped her along with that. He was there throughout the pregnancy and well into the first year of my life. My grandparents looked down on my mother for having a child out of wedlock. They pretend I don’t exist. The only reason I know they’re still alive is because they call my mother on her birthday.
“I do get some attention on my birthday, but not a whole lot. The childhood friend came by every year. He was committed to get to know me, to be a father figure for me. Well anyways, my mother got sick. She’s better now, but when it first started developing she couldn’t work anymore. That’s why we relocated to Oak Stream sophomore year. I couldn’t care less about a change in scenery. We needed the money. That childhood friend offered me a job at his comic book shop. I knew nothing about comic books before then, but I learned quickly to try and excel at the job. Mr. Baysinger has been the only father figure I’ve ever had.
“That’s when I ended up in London. I had heard rumblings that he might be there. That he might want to actually see me. My mother encouraged me to go so that I didn’t have to spend the summer watching her get so sick. Mr. Baysinger discouraged it. He thought it’d only lead to disappointment. He was right. I found him, my birth father, and he wanted nothing to do with me. First off, he didn’t believe me. Even if I had biological proof, which I don’t, I think he’d still choose not to believe. It sounds so wrong but I’ve even forgotten his name by now. I’m never reaching out to him again. He doesn’t even exist.”
Cadence sighed, “I’m so sorry, Gus.”
“Yeah,” Lyra whispered. “I can’t even imagine.”
“Thanks,” Gus mumbled. “I’m glad you can’t because I don’t want anyone to feel the pain that I feel.”
“I think I’ve got some idea, but it’s manifested itself differently,” Cadence said with great trepidation.
“Please,” Gus paused. “Please share.”
“You’ve wanted to hear this story for so long. I was afraid you’d view me differently afterwards.”
“If that does happen, it won’t be in a negative light. I just desperately want to get to know you better. I’m all ears.”
“I am too,” Lyra added.
“Really?” Cadence asked bewildered.
“I know I called you out earlier this year. I’ve been going through hell. I’m sorry,” Lyra said empathetically.
“I don’t know why, but I believe you. Ok,” Cadence took a deep breath. “See my father actually wanted me. He wanted me desperately. It just happened to be in the most perverted way possible.”
“Oh my god,” Lyra breathed.
“That’s right. See Damien wasn’t my first time. Even though I’ve claimed him to be even to myself. The only reason I’ve claimed that to be the night I lost my virginity is because it was finally my choice to do so. It started when I was 11. Dad apologized every time afterwards, promised me he’d never do it again, that he loved me. He didn’t even have the courtesy to be gentle. At least Damien had been. Dad couldn’t stop. He kept doing it. I was too ashamed to mention it to anyone, not even to my mother. He always came up with some excuse. I got banged up at soccer practice or something lame like that.
“My mother finally called the school and discovered I was never on the team. She confronted my father, but he never admitted to it. He never will. Shortly after he ran away and my mother never looked for him. When I ended up in high school at Our Savior, Damien for the first time ever made me feel safe in the arms of a man. Not only did the school expel me for committing myself to him, they made me feel like a slut. How could it be wrong when he treated me so lovingly, so gently?
“I searched for my father all year. I finally found him. He had relocated to London. Our Savior was going on a school trip and well, Mom didn’t know my real reason for going. I found him. I confronted him. I just wanted to ask him why. He locked his office door and forced himself on me one last time. It was his way of saying goodbye. He never talked to me again.”
“Cadence,” Lyra exhaled.
“I don’t know shit,” Gus admitted. “I thought our stories were one and the same. I’m sorry I ever pressured you to tell me, but believe me I’m honored that you did.”
“I know,” Cadence found herself starting to cry. “I don’t think I can handle this without you, Gus.”
“You won’t have to.”
“I thought we were breaking up.”
“Let me clarify,” Gus sharply inhaled. “You’re right. I think it’s a bad idea for us right now at this moment to continue dating. We both need to work through so many things and I don’t think we know how to help each other, but I can say with certainty I’ve never needed your friendship more than I’ve needed it right now.”
“I don’t know if I can do that.”
“It’s up to you,” Gus added gingerly. “What about you, Lyra?”
“What about me?” Lyra replied floored.
“You said you were going through hell. Why don’t you tell us what hell looks like?”
“I can’t,” Lyra stated stoically.
The conversation ended abruptly. Nobody said another word to each other and unlike what Cadence had thought would happen, she didn’t feel any closer to Gus or Lyra. She didn’t feel any better either. She had never felt more alone.
“Is it mandatory to sit in silence?” Kerass asked.
“We don’t have to,” Mr. Baganz chimed in.
“Why? Is there something you want to talk about, Kerass?” Jay inquired.
“Well, actually there was, but I don’t want to talk first.”
“I’ll go,” Jeremy said. “I’ve had a lot to think about over the past several hours. I don’t want to live another day where I can’t forgive myself.”
“How do you figure?” Mr. Baganz asked.
“The owners of the dog I accidentally ran over, they go to our church. They’ve forgiven me, no questions asked. Everyone at church has forgiven me. People at school haven’t, but I was glad they didn’t. I felt I deserved punishment.”
“And what do you think now?” Mr. Baganz prodded.
“I don’t deserve forgiveness at all, but I’ve got it. If they can forgive me without question, well I can forgive myself too.”
“Come off it, man,” Kerass scolded. “It is not that simple.”
“I never said it was, but I want to live differently than I have been. I want things to change. I can’t afford another day of me just punishing myself.”
“I don’t think I could ever forgive myself for something like that,” Kerass added sadly.
“Then I don’t think you understand the Gospel,” Jeremy replied with confidence.
“No, I understand it, I just don’t want to live under it. I’m not sure I ever did,” Kerass sighed running his hand over his buzzed head. “I’m a cutter,” he allowed the words to escape his lips.
“Why, Kerass?” Mr. Baganz asked with utmost sympathy. “Don’t you realize how much people love you?”
“They don’t love me. My father definitely doesn’t,” Kerass murmured.
“Why are you admitting this now?” Jay asked.
“Well, I got caught yesterday. It’s forced me to talk about something that I just wanted to pretend didn’t exist. To be perfectly honest, I didn’t feel comfortable talking about it with anyone, not even you. I was going to say it sooner, but after all that’s happened today, it no longer seemed important to mention.”
“Oh, it is definitely important to talk about this out loud. I’m so proud of you for finally opening up, for sharing,” Mr. Baganz said, leaning over and hugging Kerass.
“You seem awfully quiet, Jeremy,” Jay noticed after he hugged Kerass as well.
“I was a cutter too,” Jeremy exhaled. “I couldn’t face those feelings again. I’m sorry that I failed you as a friend, Kerass. I knew and I didn’t say anything. I don’t know what else to tell you.”
“Don’t beat yourself up over it. I wouldn’t have listened to you anyways.”
“Kerass,” Mr. Baganz stated. “Does your father know about your problem?”
“No, and he never will.”
“I’m not going to tell you that you need to tell him, but you must be talking to someone about this,” Mr. Baganz challenged.
“Can I talk to you about it?”
“Absolutely.”
“I wish I could be more like Jeremy.”
“Why? I’m a train wreck,” Jeremy responded.
“Because you’re past it.”
“I am now, but I didn’t stop until this summer and that was after I had noticed it with you. It became much less frequent over time and talking it out, letting my frustrations out with the Christian Fellowship really helped me. It’s so important to have peer support.”
“I imagine so,” Kerass said. “It’s not just that though. I wish I could forgive myself for my wrongs. I wish I could forgive others, but I can’t. I’m not ready to forgive my father for what he did.”
“What did he do?” Jeremy asked trepidatiously.
“He pulled my mother’s plug, ending her life.”
“Oh no,” Jay whispered tearfully.
“I never knew,” Mr. Baganz said, his eyes welling with tears, “I hope you believe that.”
“I do,” Kerass nodded. “No, I don’t think I’ll ever to be able to forgive my father because I don’t want to.”
The loudspeakers went off again. The school’s lockdown was lifted. The culprit was revealed during the announcement to be a freshman who had called into the school stating a bomb was in the cafeteria. The freshman had been afraid of taking an exam that day. No bomb actually existed.
“Are you freaking kidding me?” Jeremy retorted.
“Stupid freshman,” Kerass said standing up, walking out of Mr. Baganz’s classroom. He knew he should stay behind and talk some more, but he couldn’t bring himself to do so.
“Kerass!” Mr. Baganz called out after him.
“What?” he turned around.
“Please wait. I have a confession to make.”
“I’m waiting.”
“And you’re not going to like what I have to say.”
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