Not a single ray of sunlight broke through the wall of dark clouds surrounding Oak Stream. The street had been cleaned, but you could still see some dried up blood on the point of impact. Jay knocked on Jeremy’s door a second time, glad to be away from the street of the incident. He knew Jeremy was in there ignoring the knocking, the texting, the calling. Jeremy hadn’t gone to school in a week.
“Come on, Jeremey,” Jay called out to him. He continued saying he knew he was in there. “We have to talk about it sometime.”
The door opened. The stench of body odor immediately struck him. Jeremy must not have showered all week. This smell would carry with him for the rest of the day and possibly even the following day. It was all worth it if he opened his mouth.
“Why?” Jeremy asked. “Just so you could say I told you so?”
“Do you think so little of me?” Jay challenged. “What happened in our neighborhood, on my street, is a tragedy. That dog was a beloved part of the community, but all I’m worried about is you.”
“You don’t mean that. I don’t deserve forgiveness. You of all people should know that. You warned me this would happen and like a pig-headed idiot I didn’t listen.”
“You’re not ready to talk about it yet.”
“I’m not strong enough. I can talk about it, but I’m just not ready to be forgiven and I don’t think I’ll ever be,” Jeremy said, his eyes brimming with tears.
“Will you at least let me in? Let me sit with you. I don’t want you to have to process through this alone. We don’t even have to talk.”
“Don’t you have play rehearsals?” Jeremy challenged.
“It already ended. I’m here for you even though obviously you don’t want me to be.”
Jeremy’s face dropped. Jay was being genuine and he believed Jeremy could tell. After a long pause, Jeremy replied, “You sure you want to step into the smell?”
“I’ve already forgiven you for that,” Jay said as he walked past Jeremy into the living room.
With the ticket to the fall show in hand, Cadence opened the door to the empty hallway inside her old stomping grounds Our Savior Lutheran. She wanted to find her old locker. Oddly enough she could still remember the combination, but not the actual locker number. She wondered who took over her locker when she transferred back to Oak Stream sophomore year. Surely there had been more than one occupant since then. Was it possible that they had similar interests? Could she be a part of color guard too, possibly even just joined this year? Was it even a girl?
There was even a part of her that wanted to look through her old locker to try and figure out who this new occupant was. Realizing the thought was completely creepy, she abandoned the drive to find her old locker and the inkling to test her old combination just for kicks.
“Miss?” a voice called down the dark hallway. “May I help you?” a police officer walked over to her.
“I bought a ticket to the show and I can’t exactly find the auditorium,” she lied and from the look on the man’s face, he could tell it too, but when she held up the ticket he backed off.
“Right this way,” the police officer ushered her back towards the lit hallway. She knew exactly where the auditorium was, but to keep face, she pretended like she needed to be led.
Leaving her off at the ticket booth, he bid her farewell. The woman greeted her with a nonchalant smile, which wasn’t all that welcoming, but she hadn’t expected anything better. Just as the ticket was torn as she walked into the auditorium, memories flooded, rushing back at her. The first date she ever had with Damien, the first true date was to see the fall show at Our Savior her freshman year, long before she was forcibly transferred to Oak Stream. That also happened to be the same night she had lost her virginity and to this day even though Damien turned out to be gay, she had no regrets about that decision. Damien was her one and only so far. Gus had a much more emotional, deeper connection with her, but it had never gotten to that point and she wasn’t convinced she wanted it to go there again, especially not as quickly as it had happened with Damien.
Gus wasn’t with her and she was glad that she wasn’t experiencing these memories in his presence. Truthfully she didn’t know where he was. Things hadn’t been the same since that lunch with Mr. Baysinger, but in all reality things had been rough for a while and neither of them wanted to face each other. Neither was willing to give the other what they wanted and that wasn’t healthy.
She saw people she recognized fill into rows in front of her. She waved at two girls she had homeroom with. She hadn’t seen either of them since the last day of freshmen year. They both gawked at her and laughed. It occurred to her then that they didn’t recognize her. They had moved on and so had she. What was she doing wasting her time here? Reliving memories, some of them good, most of them not, anyways she didn’t want to relive them. This was a mistake. There was a reason she had left Our Savior to return to Oak Stream and as much as she had convinced herself at the time, it wasn’t Kerass. Everyone at Our Savior viewed her as a slut. There was no way she could stay. As the lights went down and the curtains opened, she slipped out of the auditorium walking as fast as she could to her car to escape the flood of terrible memories she had internalized over the past few years.
From the corner of Jay’s eye, he saw Cadence walking over to him. As he closed his locker at the end of the school day, he smiled at her. Obviously something was on her mind, and he knew exactly what it was, yet she felt uncomfortable with coming forward.
“Go ahead,” Jay said.
“I beg your pardon?”
“Oh, so you weren’t going to apologize for ditching the Friday one-on-one color guard practice,” he replied. He added that it was understandable because it was a Friday. “People forget. What’s really on your mind?”
“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry I forgot.”
“It’s been forgiven, especially considering that was three days ago. Nothing major.”
“I don’t mean to change the subject on ditching you, but how’s Jeremy doing?”
“Oh, I see,” Jay nodded. It was so sweet and caring of her to ask, especially because she barely knew the dude. “I spent time with him over the weekend, but we didn’t really talk about it.”
“I can’t even imagine. Have people been treating him well?”
“Honestly no. I heard someone just today as I was walking down the hallway beside him yell out animal killer. Of course that would happen on his first day back, a day I had convinced him everything would be fine. He had to have known it was though.”
“He didn’t mean to do it,” Cadence said. Visibly she began to shake. “Why are people so cruel?”
“People are people, but I’m glad that it disturbs you as much as it disturbs me. I just don’t see why others can’t see that he’s already suffering enough as it is. It’s coming mainly from himself and the expectations he has for himself. He’s strong, so much stronger than he thinks.”
“Is there anything I can do to help?” she begged, composing herself.
“I don’t think so. He’s pretty bent out of shape right now.”
“Well, can’t I come over too?”
Jay bit his tongue. While it was a nice proposition, it really seemed out of line. He couldn’t recall a single time that they would have talked one-on-one and the only reason she knew him was because Jay was a close friend of his. “No,” Jay said with finality.
“Well don’t say I never tried to help.”
“No one was claiming that.”
“All right, well I guess I’ll see you next marching band rehearsal,” Cadence said aside.
Jay took note that she wasn’t looking at him while she said it. His heart sank as he watched her walking away from him. She was trying too hard to be a good friend. Cadence wasn’t what Jeremy needed, but it was possible that loving on Jeremy was what Cadence needed. Against his better judgment, Jay called after her stopping her in her tracks.
“Would you at least look at me?” Jay challenged, which caused her to turn around and lock eyes with him. “Do you really want to see him?”
“Yes, you know I do.”
“That’s true. Well the only way you can do that is if you come with me to a meeting that begins in five-minutes.”
“The gay-straight alliance starts then.”
Jay was floored. Completely flabbergasted, he questioned how she knew that.
“Isn’t that where you’re going?”
“No,” he shook his head. “I'm meeting him at the Christian Fellowship.”
Apprehension painted her face. There was a long, awkward pause before she said, “I didn’t know you were Christian.”
“I’m not, but I feel comfortable with them. I can’t explain it.”
“You don’t feel comfortable with the gay-straight alliance?”
“Not one bit.”
“They don’t judge you?”
“They have their opinions, but no, they’re not bothered that I’m gay. They just disagree with me pursuing relationships. Some do, but some are completely cool with it.”
“They’ll think I’m a slut because I’m not a virgin,” Cadence whispered.
“There’s only one way you can find that out. You can feel free to share that, but I’d advise against it on the first visit.”
“I don’t know if I can do it.”
“Well, if you change your mind, you know where to find me and Jeremy in five minutes.”
Not even caring to see her reaction, Jay walked away knowing that comforting Jeremy was a lot more important than comforting Cadence in the moment. In spite of it all, he hoped Cadence would come to the meeting. She needed some love and compassion, which she felt she wasn't receiving from anyone. Only time would tell how she reacted. Just before he walked into the meeting, she tapped his shoulder asking if she could step in first. Smiling, he let her cut in front of him.
“What are you saying?” Bryce, Kerass’s roommate, asked.
“You heard me the first time,” Kerass retorted.
“Just because you don’t have money to go to college doesn’t mean you shouldn’t apply.”
“I can’t even visit.”
“I’ll show you around the community college.”
“I wouldn’t even be able to afford one class and I’d probably flunk that too.”
“Stop looking down on yourself. Please just consider pushing yourself. Don’t throw your life away because you can’t live with your dad.”
Kerass fuming inside glared at Bryce pointing his index finger at him. “You have no right to talk about him. You don’t understand what happened. Nobody does.”
“Then why don’t you start talking?”
“I can’t,” Kerass backed down, feeling his eyes brimming with tears.
“Whatever man,” Bryce commented that they could continue the discussion whenever he was comfortable with it. “I’ll just be a second,” he added as he stepped into the bathroom.
It wasn’t two seconds later when Bryce stepped out with the straight razor, the one Kerass had forgotten to clean the last time he used it. Flecks of dried blood remained around the edge.
“You’re in much deeper trouble than I thought,” Bryce said gentler than Kerass felt he deserved.
“It’s not what you think.”
“Show me your arms.”
“I can’t.”
“Kerass, I’m not judging you for this. Just tell me how to love you. I don’t want you to have to go to the razor anymore.”
Inside Kerass felt his lungs were on fire. He wanted to share, but his fears of how he would react overcame the desire for air. He wasn’t strong enough to speak. Instead, he pulled up the arm of his sweater and showed him the lines on his arm.
Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, Bryce challenged, “You had better start talking.”
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