Dear Kerass,
I know it’s been a while since I last wrote to you. I’m sorry for the delay, but things have been really intense over here. One of my Christian brothers just died yesterday and-
Kerass crumpled up the piece of paper. The blinds were shut as he now lived on the ground level in the dorms. He couldn’t stand watching people walk past the window inches away from his place of solace, of privacy. That was the only place he was willing to read one of his letters.
Jordan was one of his closest friends and quite possibly the person he trusted the most, but Jordan hadn’t really been himself. His letters came much less frequently and this time they were always dour and downright disgusting. He didn’t want to read the gory details about how this friend, or what was it he called him, a brother? Yes, that’s right. This brother of his ended up in pieces covering his blood over him. Christian brotherhood often talked about the covering of blood, but that was supposed to come from Jesus, the savior, not each other.
Taking a deep breath, he smoothed out the page on his desk. He couldn’t turn his back on his friend, despite how depressing it was to read his words. Skipping past the first paragraph, he continued to read.
I miss him dearly. No one else here professes faith in Jesus. The ones who used to are quiet now because the ones who professed it loudly are all dead.
I’m not gonna lie to you, buddy. I’m really scared. I fear God may be very angry with me and is punishing me by forcing me away from community, by taking away the only faith connections I physically have over here.
Who else do I have other than you for brotherhood? I talk with Neve every week, but she’s stopped going to church since I’ve left and to be honest, I can’t force myself to go either. I’m just so, so terribly frightened.
Brother Kerass, I love you deeply and am always encouraged to hear how you’re growing.
Kerass rolled his eyes. He didn’t feel like he was growing at all. It was all just typical Christianese bullshit. People only said that to make others feel better, not because they actually believed it. While he loved Jordan, he couldn’t help but focus on the reality that Jordan used a ton of Christian clichés. It was all so worthless. Words were meaningless if there was no proof to back them up.
I only wish I could be beside you physically to watch it with my own eyes. Pray for me, Kerass. I need it desperately. My very soul is so downcast I don’t see how I could ever feel better. Death seems easier.
Jordan
A tear drop landed on Jordan’s signature. It was so painful to read how poorly Jordan was doing. He was his spiritual mentor. He didn’t trust anyone more than Jordan. He knew that for a fact because Jordan had been the one to share Christ with him, yet here he was crumbling before him. Praying for Jordan just didn’t seem like an option. How could his mentor ask him to do that when he was still so young, so new in the faith?
Tapping his pen on the pad of paper, he tried to quiet his mind. Everything inside of him yearned to write back, to assure him that he was fine, that he was praying for him, but he knew that wasn’t true and lying to his mentor just didn’t feel right. He didn’t have it in him to lie, especially after Jordan had been so vulnerable.
No, he couldn’t do it. The timing wasn’t right to tell him about his decision, his commitment and even then, he still thought about backing out of it. It would have to wait. Too much was on his mind that he couldn’t even focus it to words. He wasn’t ready at all to write back.
The clock struck midnight. Why wouldn’t Jay’s date shut his mouth? This was just torture. The student center for the first date was a major bummer. That was where he met up with friends not go out.
The guy was a complete bore. Seriously, a chemistry major? There was no chemistry, no pun intended, just no spark between them, which he thought was crucial. The only reason he stayed was because the guy was huge in all the right ways. He wasn’t looking for love, just for sex and pleasure. Every date this semester had gone south though. This guy, well, where to begin? Honestly, when was the last time he showered?
Looking down at his pants to see if there was any sexual component to savor the date, he discovered that the guy wasn’t hard. What a disappointment. Ashamed, he was still a virgin, he kept dating to try to get a one-night stand, but he could never put himself in that frame of mind. Even if he wanted to force it, it just wouldn’t come up and obey.
“What about you? What’s your major?” the guy asked.
“Uh…” Jay froze. He couldn’t even remember the dude’s name. “Are you sure you want to talk about majors?” he asked raising his eyebrows. “We could talk about something much more enticing and exciting.”
The guy’s bulge was prominent in his pants as he said the words. This was his chance. He had to take it. It was now or never. Jay leaned over placing his hand on the guy’s right knee sliding his hand up his leg towards the growing target. Before he reached the prize, his hand was gently placed back on the table, the guy shaking his head.
“Na, na, na,” he said. His date had the most annoying way of saying no. “You’re not ready for that stuff.”
“What do you mean?” Jay asked disgruntled. “Why won’t you just let me suck-”
“Keep your voice down, man. We’re not in private, ok? Not everyone should know our business.”
“What business? It’s not like I’m getting any from you,” Jay verbally spat at him. He continued saying this whole date was a giant waste of time.
“You know what, you’re right. This was a waste of time. I tried to ignore my friend’s advice that told me about you. I tried to convince myself that you’d be different with me, honest, vulnerable, but the reality is you’re just not ready for a relationship, especially not a sexual one.”
“I’m not asking for a relationship,” he interjected. “Just a one-night stand. What’s the harm in that, huh? Just fun and pleasure. That’s all I seek.”
“Wow, Jay, uh, maybe because even though we’re gay sex still means something each and every time and I don’t care if that makes me traditional or not, it’s simply the truth. The reality is you can’t get over the fact that you’re still in love with Damien.”
“You watch your tongue,” Jay whispered in reply astonished. That was a low blow and hurt him deeply. “You’re an ass, you know that?”
“Yeah? Well I can live with that because I’ve been honest with myself and with you. Now if you excuse me, I’ve got better things to do tonight than to waste my time here arguing with you.”
Jay slapped him across the face. The guy, whatever his stupid name was, just walked away shaking his head. The asshole, the nerve of him to claim he was still in love with that despicable cheater.
He was crashing quickly. That was the worst Saturday night date he had yet. Walking back to his bed was the only option. Unfortunately, Kerass wasn’t his roommate this year. Some oddball who was never in the room was. Kerass would've consoled him, but not this year.
Walking past the sole oak tree on campus triggered his memory. Oak Stream no longer felt like home, but Damien, well, he still did. Pulling out his phone, he looked back at the picture of the two of them during his high school prom. He looked hot and so did Damien. Opting to delete the picture, he clicked on the button, but then decided against it. He cropped Damien out of the picture because he couldn’t look at his face, but he didn’t want to fully delete it because he was so cute in his tux. Despite whatever mixed feelings he had for Damien, it was truly and definitely over forever and ever amen.
There was another option though. He dialed the number. Luckily, they picked up.
“Hey, what’s going on?”
“What are you doing tonight or this morning, I should say?” Jay asked.
“What do you have in mind?”
Jay mischievously smiled.
Jeremy’s hair covered his eyes. It had grown past his shoulder blades. He hadn’t even showered all week. He just lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling, unable and unwilling to move. Despite the fact that it was at least 80 degrees in the room, he kept his hoodie on. The air conditioning was broken. The cut, the blood, it would dry eventually and the blood wouldn’t appear through the black hoodie anyway.
His Bible lay on top of his desk untouched for months. He couldn’t bear to part with it despite how much he questioned God’s love or the very concept of his existence.
He didn’t want to waste any more time or energy thinking over that book and whether it still had power over his life. It was nothing more than pieces of paper with words. No more powerful than any of the other textbooks he had in the room with him.
He couldn’t even think over how far he had fallen from grace. The very thought to think back to who he was in high school depressed him. There was nothing reputable about him anymore. He was, always had been, and would forever be a loser.
His cell phone rang, but he couldn’t even move to grab it. Besides who’d be calling him at this time of night? Only one person came to mind. Forcing himself to move, he moved to his left, laying on his side, and grabbed the phone. He took the call without answering. He lay there silent just listening to his voice.
“Hey, Jeremy. It’s, uh, it’s me, Kerass. Again, you know? Just wanted to check up on you. How are you? You ok?”
Jeremy didn’t answer, but he didn’t hang up either. It was good to hear his voice, but he just couldn’t. There was no more energy left to reply.
“Well, I, uh, I’m not upset and I’ll keep calling, promise. I just, well, um, I wanted, wanted to tell you that I’m doing it. Tomorrow morning I’m going to step inside for the first time in years. Would you like to try to come with me as I go back to church, as a sort of support?”
Jeremy just lay there feeling his stomach move up and down, breathing deeply.
“You don’t have to answer. You know that. Well, um, just let me know. I don’t think I’ll be able to go to sleep at all tonight as I wrestle through this decision. I haven’t stepped inside a church, since…well since…” he paused, “…since my mother’s funeral.”
A tear fell down his face. He couldn’t talk or move, but he could still feel Kerass’s pain even after 3 years.
“I, uh, I’ll call-” Kerass said choking through tears, but there was silence. He must have hung up. Jeremy gasped as the tears started flowing out, sobbing.
Glancing at the stack of letters she had received since her incarceration began, Cadence looked at the numerous times Kerass, Jay, and even Damien had written to her. They all lay unopened. She loved that they had taken the time to write to her, but she just couldn’t face them over what she did.
The letter in her hand was from someone else though. This was the first time that Gus had ever written to her. Holding her breath, she broke the seal.
No comments:
Post a Comment