The grass finally started to peak through the shallow grave where he lay. It was gone in a flash. The car sped past the dismal place, the last place she last felt exhilarated, alive. Her heart pounded, knowing she would be caught. Her mother knew something was wrong, but she didn’t know the depth of how troubled she felt daily. All her mother knew was that she wasn’t eating and she either slept for days or stayed up well past 24 hours. Nothing about her existence was normal and while she thought she never wanted a normal life, she begged for normalcy now. Every time she forced the shovel into the dirt, reliving the memory in vivid color and detail, she felt a drive, a push to see her decision through to completion. It didn’t take long before the job was done, the dirt covering up all the evidence. Yet once it was over, she couldn’t say she outright regretted the decision, but she started to doubt it.
She couldn’t talk, only briefly in passing to her mother for the most mundane conversations. They hadn’t had an open dialogue since high school and even then it wasn’t open at the end of her high school career. They used to be so close, but Cadence had pushed her mother away. This, the murdering of her ex, was something she’d never admit to, something her mother would never understand. No one in her life would ever comprehend why she felt the need to pull the trigger.
She hadn’t been herself for years. Admitting to herself that she had a tendency to hide behind boys, men, relationships as opposed to exploring who she really was…it all seemed so hopeless. Who was she? She couldn’t even answer that simple question. She’d never grow up, would she? She’d stay frozen in time forever creating the grave. She relived those moments every day. No, it’d never be the same for her. Even looking at the grave seeing how it grew grass and moved on through the summer season transitioning to fall made her feel utterly hopeless. If only grass could cover her memories. If only she could start anew every season, but that could never be. No, for now she would remain silent because the truth would never set her free, it would only condemn her.
Damien cleared his throat as he sat down. Brian, his therapist, smiled at him while Damien pulled the back of his shirt down. Damien chuckled to himself as he kept fidgeting, adjusting his position in the chair in an attempt to get comfortable.
“Wow, it’s good to see you so happy. How has this week been for you?” Brian asked.
“You know, it’s the last day under their roof before I begin my senior year?” Damien replied beaming.
“How are they taking you as a college senior?”
Exhaling, Damien replied, “Well enough, I guess. I think they’re excited. They actually mentioned it to me earlier this week. They’re still paying for school. I pay for this.”
“I know you do. You’re on time every week and I greatly appreciate it. So…”
“You don’t have to ask, I’ll just spill.”
“All right then,” Brian replied.
“Well, uh, how do I say it? They still don’t approve. I try to tell them about Jay and how we’re doing as a couple, but they don’t want to listen. They’ll only listen if I was dating a female. Having a gay son isn’t an option for them,” he replied as tears flowed effortlessly out of his eyes, regardless of how hard he tried to contain his emotions.
“I’m sorry you have to go through that. You shouldn’t have to.”
“I know,” he said while he wiped the tears away.
“Have I ever told you what I did? How my family finally came to accept me for who I am?”
Damien shook his head. This always happened. He would go in with such a positive attitude just having the best day and somehow Brian always brought the tears out of him. He wanted to escape the realities of the fact that so few people in his life supported him as a gay man. Brian was an ally, but he always brought the reality crashing down around him.
“I gave them an ultimatum. They either accepted me as gay or they no longer had me as a son. They took a week to mull it over, which was torturous for me, but ultimately they determined that their love for me outweighed their misgivings about my sexuality.”
“Did they eventually become allies?”
“Yes, they came to the wedding and now they have my husband and I over every year during the holidays. They’re glad I was honest with them even though it took them some time to get there.”
“I just don’t think I could do that. I’m not that strong to make them choose. I fear I would lose them forever.”
“If that’s something that you need, their love and support I think you need to make it more real to them. They’re just ignoring that they have a gay son. You are their son. They obviously love you or they wouldn’t be paying for college.”
“That’s true enough. I want their support so badly, but to cut them out of my life…I guess I’m just not that type of person.”
“Listen to me, Damien. It is not up to you to make your parents happy. Most religious parents come around eventually. It’s a coming out process for them, too.”
“Yeah, I guess.”
“Well, let’s not dwell on such a dour note. Why don’t you tell me about Jay?”
“Well, that’s another thing actually. I love him, I do, but I’m starting to have doubts about whether he’s the one. He gave this huge proclamation of love to me, but then we just remained stagnant. We started dating again, and the love was there, but it just didn’t grow. I always thought that if it was the one that your love would blossom and grow deeper and deeper with each passing year.”
“Have you been intimate with him?”
“We’ve kissed.”
“Have you been intimate with him beyond kissing?”
“No,” Damien shook his head. “You know how I feel about sex outside of marriage.”
“That’s your parents talking, not you. It’s fine if Jay isn’t your lifelong partner, but you’re putting a major roadblock for deepening your love.”
“You’re saying I should just give myself sexually to him?”
“No, I’m not saying that, but to complain about him, or even questioning his love for you when you’re not willing to indulge him sexually, that’s more on you than on him.”
“I guess I never really thought of it that way.”
“You don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with, but from everything you’ve said it sounds like you’re ready for it, perhaps not with Jay, but let’s face it, you’re not even a virgin. You’ve had sex with Cadence before.”
“Yeah, but this is different. I hadn’t realized I was gay then. Sex with men is different. It’s more intimate, more terrifying.”
“What are you afraid of?”
“What if he doesn’t love me anymore after we have sex?”
“Have you talked with him about that?” Brian asked, challenging him.
Damien told him no. He continued saying that he knew he should trust Jay, but something kept holding him back. “He was the one who made the commitment, not me.”
“Well, it sounds like you two had better start talking.”
Kerass opened the door to his dorm room, pleased and surprised to see Jay. They hugged each other as Kerass ushered Jay into the room.
“You arrived early,” Kerass observed as he sat on his bed while Jay put his stuff on the other bed.
“Yeah, I just had to get out. It’s good to be back, especially now that we’re roommates.”
“You know, you could’ve called me. I would’ve helped you carry your stuff in.”
“You’ve got a lot on your mind,” Jay responded. He continued asking how he’d been. “I mean, I haven’t seen you since the weekend of the funeral. You just went off to do the summer sessions.”
“Yeah, and I aced all of ‘em.”
“Be honest with me, Kerass.”
“I always am, Jay,” Kerass chastised him.
“Did you want me to stop calling? I mean, you screened my calls all summer.”
“I know,” Kerass whispered in reply. “I’m glad that you called even though I couldn’t answer. Honestly, I didn’t talk to anyone from home. I just,” he paused, exhaling, “needed to get away, to be truly away from Oak Stream.”
“It’s funny how you still call it home.”
“Oh, Oak Stream will always be home. I just had to leave for a time. I may be back next summer, but I don’t know. It’s hard to imagine ever living away from that small town.”
“I thrive off the idea of breaking free from it.”
Kerass smiled at Jay. It wasn’t the least bit surprising to hear that Jay did well outside of the small town setting. Kerass always knew he had his eyes on the spotlight of the city. Yet, he knew he’d never be able to survive living there himself. It’d be fine to visit Jay for the weekend, but he could never commit to it long term.
“Do you want to talk about her?” Jay asked breaking his train of thought.
“That’s very sweet of you ask, Jay, but the answer’s no. I’ll let you know when I’m ready to discuss her again. For now, just respect my wishes.”
“All right,” Jay conceded. “Can I ask you something completely off topic?”
“Please do.”
“If Damien visits me, will you have a problem with that?”
“Damien’s a friend of mine. It’d be fine.”
“Even if we slept together in this room?”
“I thought he wanted to wait until marriage.”
“Well, he may be open to me exploring that with other people.”
“That doesn’t sound like Damien. I wouldn’t want you to do it, but I can’t stop you if you do. Just let me know and by the way, there’s no way I’m spending the night in somebody else’s dorm room.”
“Would you say the same thing if I was dating a girl?”
“What is that supposed to mean?” Kerass retorted.
“Do you wish I were straight?”
“I don’t know,” Kerass paused. “I guess I never thought about it really. You are who you are. I’m glad we’re friends. Is that a satisfactory answer?”
“No,” Jay gripped his pillow. “I want you to be supportive of me, of who I am.”
“I love you, Jay.”
“That’s a lil better.”
“Can we move on now?” Kerass asked. When Jay nodded, Kerass asked him to tell him about his summer. Jay blabbed on and on about Damien and all the places they went. Kerass tuned out most of it, but he couldn’t help but pause when he heard that they went hiking to the place of her passing. They couldn’t have known that was where it happened, but he knew he’d think on that night for the rest of the day. It took everything in him to not burst into tears in front of Jay.
Damien thanked his therapist profusely as he walked out of his office. It was quite possibly the last time he would ever see him. Brian had transformed his life and he was eternally grateful for how he helped him come to terms with his sexuality and who he truly was. He could never repay the favor.
While he walked down the never-ending hallway towards the main entrance, he paused as he saw someone he recognized openly weeping for all to see.
“Gus?” Damien asked unable to prevent himself from walking straight over and touching his shoulder.
“Damien? Wha-, what are you doing here?” Gus asked wiping the tears from his eyes.
“I go to therapy here over the summer. What’s wrong, Gus?” Damien asked. He continued saying that people don’t burst into tears in a hospital unless something was wrong.
“I, uh, I’ll show you,” Gus said leading him down a corridor to another department. Walking into Room 5610, Gus pointed at a man who lay perfectly still. A machine helped him breathe. This man was in a coma.
“Who is he?” Damien asked.
“My mentor. The greatest man I’ve ever known. He’s not my blood relative, but he’s mine. My Uncle Jake.”
Gus burst into tears again. Damien grabbed him, hugging him, refusing to let go as the tears fell upon his shoulders. He never wanted to let him go. He only wanted to be there to comfort him and help him through this tragedy.
Damien backed out of the driveway. His mother rushed out calling and waving at him. Putting his foot on the brakes, he turned the ignition shutting off the engine.
“Yes, Mom?” Damien asked. He added that he was in a hurry to get to campus before his first class at 11.
“I just wanted to tell you that your father and I, well, we love you.”
“Thanks, Mom, but do you really love me? Like do you love me for who I am? Can you truly love your sensitive, gay son?”
His mother remained silent.
“That’s what I thought,” Damien replied as he started up the engine again. He daren’t look to see if his mother waved him off.
His mind already past the conversation, he thought back to Brian and Gus. He had given his phone number to Gus, told him to feel free to call at any time, but for whatever reason, he didn’t think it would ever happen. He couldn’t help but think about how attractive Gus was. He knew he was betraying Jay by even thinking it, but he wouldn’t mind getting together with Gus. What a terrible thing to think! Damien chastised himself. Gus was suffering from an emotional roller coaster and all he could think about was getting it on with him. What a betrayal of trust. Perhaps Jay would understand, he thought sarcastically. Yet calling Jay wasn't such a bad idea.
Pushing his speed dial, he called Jay, who naturally picked up instantly.
“Hey, baby,” Damien said.
“Hey, you on the road right now?”
“Yeah, about to get on the highway.”
“Excellent. Do you need someone to talk to during the trip?”
“You’d talk to me the full 4-hour drive?”
“You bet,” Jay replied tenderly.
An incoming call disrupted his train of thought beeping incessantly. “Hey, Jay, I’m getting an incoming call. It’s an unknown number, probably just a telemarketer, but can I call you back right away?”
“Yeah, sure thing.”
“I’ll just be gone 5 seconds.”
Picking up, he stated, “This is Damien.”
“Damien?” Gus asked. “I was hoping I had the right number. This is Gus by the way.”
“Yeah, I know who you are. I recognized your voice.”
“You’re not busy or anything, right? I mean you don’t have anyone else to talk to right now?”
“Not at all,” Damien couldn’t help but smile. “No one except you.”
No comments:
Post a Comment