The sunset was painted across the clouds that evening. Looking at it, appreciating being here for the first time since he transferred, Kerass exhaled beholding the beauty of it all. He had no regrets about transferring to Evergreen Forest. Although high school was definitely over, he felt he needed his high school friends. No, they were still in his life, he corrected himself. They were his friends. That hadn’t stopped just because high school ended or last year when he was so distant and pushed everyone away. He knew he needed them now more than ever. Lyra’s death, their final night together was forever burned, etched into his memory. Only school could distract him from that. He transferred quickly after the funeral and took as many of the summer sessions at Evergreen Forest as he could. While Oak Stream was still home, he just couldn’t bring himself to stay there over the summer.
His backpack hung over his right shoulder, dangling and swaying as he walked across campus. There were no textbooks in his backpack, but there was one book he never left his dorm without. He felt embarrassed to admit that the only thing he carried with him everywhere was Lyra’s Bible, the one that she gifted him. Jay wouldn’t approve, but it didn’t matter because Kerass never talked about it. He couldn’t even admit to himself that he was reading the Bible. He avoided that book like the plague after his mother died. Well, if he was honest with himself he avoided the Bible way before that. He had never read the book as intensely, as focused as he did after Lyra’s passing.
He couldn’t count the number of times he read through Song of Solomon. It was Lyra’s favorite book. It wasn’t the least bit surprising that it was all about sex. Nothing about Lyra surprised him anymore. It was an odd book, one that he couldn’t quite understand and there were a few odd descriptions of a female body that weren’t exactly pc today, but again this was a book that was written thousands of years ago. He found the woman in the book to be quite bold. It was a beautiful, gripping love story. The best he ever read. He was ashamed to admit that he actually enjoyed reading the Bible, well at least one book from it.
Church still disgusted him. The hypocrisy of people like his father as head pastor of a church pissed him off. For his father it was all about protecting himself, never admitting to the wrongs he bestowed upon others, especially the ones towards his mother. He didn’t think he could ever forgive that, despite what Lyra wanted, he just couldn’t bring himself to reach out to him again even when he felt more alone than ever before. The love of his life, Lyra, was gone, and he felt the hole every day. Jay spent time with him almost daily, while Gus could only do weekly due to their class schedules not lining up. They both wanted to help soothe the pain, but it only postponed it, for the moment they were gone and he was alone again. Plus, there were just certain topics that he wanted to remain quiet and even though he loved Jay, and he used to be able to talk with Gus about anything, something had changed in Gus and he couldn’t figure out why, but he just didn’t trust him to the same degree as before. He felt the longing in his heart, for everything to be as it was before, overwhelm him with a terrible sadness. He wondered if he would ever be able to experience, to feel happiness again.
While church was out of the question, he didn’t mind going to Droplet. The meetings mimicked church, but they were filled with college age students only. He couldn’t exactly say he felt welcomed there. No one ever went out of their way to talk to him, but to be fair he didn’t go out of his way to talk to anyone else either. He was perfectly fine being alone. Just being in a place where people worshipped God was comforting to him. He had forgotten how much he truly missed having God be a part of his life. The journal entries to God had begun over the course of the summer and as time went on they became daily. A habit, Kerass knew, his mother, and especially Lyra, would’ve been thrilled with.
Standing outside the auditorium, he found himself back to a place where he lost his worries, even if it was only for an hour. Jeremy walked straight up to him giving him a side hug.
“I didn’t know you were coming to Droplet tonight,” Jeremy said smiling.
“I’ve actually been coming all semester.”
“Well, I’m sorry I haven’t noticed until now.”
“It’s no big deal.”
“Sit with me?” Jeremy asked.
Kerass nodded. Jeremy understood him to a greater degree than any of his friends. While Jeremy had always been more of Jay’s friend, Kerass couldn’t deny that he wanted to get to know him better, to talk with him about his struggles, his doubts.
Patting his back, Jeremy led him inside. Kerass knew then that he could no longer hide at Droplet. He knew definitively that he wasn’t alone.
Panting, Jay took a deep breath, placing his hands on his knees as the sweat poured, dripping down his face. His heartbeat pounded inside his head, refusing to come down. It was like his body was shutting down on him telling him he couldn’t push himself anymore. He sat down, but he still felt overheated. Laying himself down, he stretched out on the ground, paying attention to how he breathed through his stomach as opposed to through his mouth, rhythmically.
Gus ran past him slowing down, he jogged backwards to where he lay. Jay couldn’t help himself from staring at Gus who was shirtless. Yep, running with Gus was the best decision he had made since the start of sophomore year.
“Are you really that exhausted?” Gus asked leaning over him, blocking the sun’s gaze. “Are you ok? Do I need to call someone?”
Jay shook his head. He told Gus he’d be fine and that it would take him a while to catch up. “I mean, it seems like it’s impossible for me to be up to your level of fitness.”
“It’s not about getting to my level of fitness. It’s about stretching yourself and your body to its fullest potential. It’s all about your personal health. Granted that’s going to look differently for everybody.”
“You proud of me for doing this?” Jay asked leaning up, stretching his legs out on the ground.
“What sort of question is that? Of course I’m proud of you. I’m gonna push you, but there are limits. You can always call it off.”
“I don’t think that’ll be necessary,” Jay said unable to prevent himself from staring at Gus’s chest. What was he doing? He was with Damien. Yes, they were at different schools, but he shouldn’t be doing this. “I, uh, guess I’ll see you next week same time?”
“Yeah you will, but this isn’t goodbye today. Come on,” Gus said holding out his hand helping Jay back onto his feet. “We’ll just walk back today.”
Jay beamed, content with himself being on campus with his old high school friends. It seemed right. Still…ogling Gus wasn’t such a bad thing…was it?
The gunshot echoed in Cadence’s mind, forcing a gasp out of her mouth, as she was startled awake. The memory etched forever in her brain, every detail, every sight, every sound, every millisecond replayed in her dreams. The same dream occurred every night since the incident.
Placing her feet on the floor, she sat herself up from the couch, rubbing her temples attempting to quiet the memory again. It had played twice, first during the night, the second time during her afternoon nap. Her mind was screaming at her to take another pill. She daren’t tell her mother she was stealing her pills again. The fact that her mother screamed at the psych office staff over the phone swearing she didn’t know where the pills went didn’t deter her from taking pills again and again. Cadence didn’t swallow them to feel something, quite the opposite really. She took them to numb the pain. The only thing that quieted her mind was to feel nothing.
Looking outside, across the street, she saw the telephone pole. The white sheet stapled at eye level blew slightly in the wind. She didn’t need to read it to tell what it said. She already knew. His face was on it. The face she put a bullet through. No one knew what happened. He was reported missing. The tears of his family, his mother, were all over the news. Cadence tuned it all out, unable to look at the screen. Offering instead to differ another year of school, she became a recluse, never once leaving the house, except when her mother forced her to eat out with her. Staring at his face, his piercing eyes peering into her very soul on every street corner in Oak Stream was too much for her to handle. Her mother would never understand why she did it, why she pulled the trigger, why she murdered her ex, but there might be one who would. Pulling out her cell phone, she turned it on for the first time in over a month. Looking at her contacts list she saw only three names: Lyra, Gus, and Kerass. She’d never forgive herself for missing Lyra’s funeral. The other two names jumped out at her on the screen. She knew instinctively who she should call.
Damien jolted awake from his nap. His ringtone, set to High School Musical’s epic finale number, We’re All in This Together set his heart racing first with annoyance and aggression at being woken up, but then subsided to pure bliss and glee over the nostalgia of it all. Turning on his side, he noticed it was only 3:43, well before his 4:00 alarm was supposed to go off. Grabbing his phone, he noticed that Gus was calling him. Picking up instantly, he said, “Hey, Gus.” He continued to ask how he was doing.
“I’m doing fine, Damien. I just wanted to hear your voice.”
“How’s everything with your uncle?”
“Oh, it’s the same. Nothing’s really changed about that.”
“Did you take my advice?” Damien asked groggily, forcing himself awake.
“It’s hard to talk to Kerass about this.”
“He’d understand, I assure you of that.”
“I don’t doubt that,” Gus added, “but he just has so much going on emotionally. I don’t think he can focus on anybody else anymore, at least not for a while.”
“That’s fair.”
“You’ve been great, Damien.”
“I thank you, but I don’t think I’ve done much, just listened.”
“I want to do something for you,” Gus said, his voice sounded exhilarated.
“What are you saying exactly?”
“You’ll find out soon enough. I’m going to visit you next weekend.”
“Wow, Gus are, are you sure about this?” Damien asked, but it was too late. Gus had already hung up the phone.
Kerass sat down on the couch in Gus’s dorm room. It was always nice, having their weekly time together since their class schedules prevented them from seeing each other daily. It was desperately needed especially considering he could no longer have that with Damien since he stayed at Dowden Terrace. He felt a little bad because he had interrupted a phone call, but Gus told him not to stress over it. He pulled his backpack off his shoulder and pushed it under the couch.
“What books did you bring with you today?” Gus asked. They always spent time discussing books, whether it was textbooks from class or pleasure reading. Part of their time together was spent analyzing books.
“Only one this time,” Kerass said. He couldn’t help but smile watching Gus’s reaction as the shock came upon him.
“I brought two,” Gus added.
“Which did you bring?”
“Uh…” Gus paused as he pulled out an intro to psych textbook. “This is the first one. Very interesting, fascinating even, but I think it’d be foolish to major in.”
“Well, that’s good to recognize,” Kerass replied. He proceeded to ask when he needed to declare a major.
“The end of the semester. I just can’t figure out what I want.”
“Maybe you should switch over to education. Spend more time with me.”
Gus laughed. “No, thanks. I already spend too much time in school. It’d kill me to have a job in school.”
“I guess I can’t get enough of it.”
“You guess or you know?”
“I know,” Kerass assured himself.
“Why?”
Kerass puffed his cheeks and exhaled. It was over-the-top in his mind, which caused him to smile.
“Well?” Gus asked.
“I guess school helps me maintain some of the innocence I lost in high school.”
“Wow…” Gus paused. “Everyone needs an escape, but school will just never be that for me.”
“We’re off topic here. What other books did you bring?”
“Oh, yeah,” Gus rolled his eyes as he pulled out The Kill Order by James Dashner.
“What the hell is that?”
“It’s a Maze Runner prequel.”
“What’s Maze Runner?” Kerass asked bewildered.
“A fad that’s already past. It’s pretty old now, but the movies were popular when we were in high school.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“No, it’s shit.”
“Then why do you keep reading it?”
“I don’t know…” Gus trailed off. “The completionist in me, I guess. Anyway, what did you bring and don’t avoid the question this time.”
Kerass pulled his backpack out from under him. Unzipping it, he pulled out the Bible Lyra gifted him.
“Ahh,” Gus raised his eyebrows. “We’re reading some scripture here.”
“Yeah,” Kerass replied embarrassed.
“Don’t be shy. What do you like about the Bible?”
“It’s very honest.”
Gus burst out laughing. “That’s one way of putting it.”
“It’s hard to talk about it with you.”
“Why’s that?”
“Well,” Kerass sighed, “you just seem like the kind of guy who’d hate it.”
“You’d be surprised. Honestly it was me who turned Lyra back on to reading her Bible.”
“Really?” Kerass asked intrigued.
Gus nodded. “Those are good memories.”
“Where are you now with the Bible?”
“Distant at the best of times. Negligent for the most part. To be blunt, I really struggle with the limited sexual component of it. I don’t like limiting sexuality like that. That part I’ve changed my mind on. I think it’s quite harmful.”
“Yeah, I struggle with that too.”
“I bet, being as close to Jay as you are. Not the easiest thing to come to terms with, is it?”
Kerass shook his head. He didn’t want to think about Jay now. They had always struggled with his sexuality together. Jay had crossed several boundaries of friendship, despite his compassion and loyalty. Nothing about being friends with Jay was easy.
“What about us?” Kerass asked shattering the silence.
“I don’t understand the question.”
“Are we solid?”
“Yeah, man. We’re great friends, you know that.”
“I always sort of viewed our friendship as fireproof.”
Gus sighed. “We’re fine, I don’t want you to get the wrong idea, but we’re not fireproof. I don’t believe any human relationships are.”
A phone vibrated on Gus’s desk. They locked eyes with each other as they both had left their phones there to limit distractions from their time together. When it continued vibrating, Gus stood up and walked over grabbing the phones.
“Oh my god…Cadence is calling.”
“Well, aren’t you going to answer?”
“No, because it’s for you,” Gus replied holding out Kerass’s phone to him.
“Do you want me to answer?” Kerass asked trepidatiously.
“Yes, of course. It’s not a problem man. Just answer.”
Kerass held the phone to his ear, keeping privacy between them when he answered. “I’m surprised to see you call.”
“I’m sorry it’s been so long, Kerass.”
“Let’s skip the pleasantries today. I don’t think you’re calling just because you feel bad for not keeping up. What’s going on?”
Kerass waited for the answer, which didn’t come right away. Looking at the clock on the wall, he became irritated when he saw 30 seconds pass. Finally, he heard a sigh and what sounded like muffled tears on the other end.
“I’m in trouble.”
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