Damien froze. Retelling the story to Vance was just as awkward as watching it happen before his eyes. Kerass’s girlfriend, the so-called greatest girlfriend in the world, had slapped him in public twice.
“I don’t even know what to do with that,” Damien said taking deep breaths.
“That’s so sad. I’m sorry, man,” Vance gently replied.
“Don’t apologize to me! It’s Kerass who should be consoled.”
“Yeah, but, you’re my friend, seriously. You know that. It’s definitely been affecting you too. I don’t take that lightly. It’s a lot of weight on your shoulders.”
“He just stood there. He did nothing.”
“Yep, you’ve mentioned that before…twice,” Vance snarkily replied raising his eyebrows.
“Could you lose the sarcasm just this once?”
“Sure, but it won’t help,” Vance conceded.
“Pray tell,” Damien challenged him. He continued asking how talking about how to help Kerass wouldn’t help him.
“Simple. Kerass doesn’t want your help. He doesn’t want mine either. No, see, his reaction or lack of one is quite telling.”
“In what way?” Damien asked leaning in.
“Dude, you’re a little too close now,” Vance stated putting a hand up between them.
“Sorry,” Damien said leaning back.
“For whatever reason, he’s chosen to stay with her. As far as we know that’s still the case. If he’s forgiven her for this, why shouldn’t you?”
“Ah, but see, you just implied that he’s talked to her about it.”
“No, forgiveness can be an internal act, my friend. I do it all the time with you.”
“Wait, what?!” Damien asked incredulously. “Why don’t you tell me when I upset you?”
“It doesn’t seem worth it. I’m usually over it in a few hours, a few days at the very most. If it was something major, I’d say it.”
“Yes, but what’s to say that you’d say the same thing when something major comes up between us, that you didn’t think it was major enough to share. Open your damn mouth and share.”
Silence ensued between them. Damien hadn’t had a moment to eat since they had begun talking, so he started to eat to try and quiet both his mind, from the thoughts racing around his brain, and his stomach.
“I’m sorry,” Vance uttered, shattering the silence between them. “I’ll share openly next time.”
“Thank you,” Damien replied, his mouth full of food.
“Here’s the thing though. I want that type of friendship with you. I want us to be open with each other, to share life together. Does Kerass want the same thing?”
“I’m not sure. We seem to be closer than we ever were before, but that’s not saying much. He dated one of my ex’s years ago. We never got off on the best start.”
“Kerass dated a man?”
“No, that was before I knew I was gay. She was very special to me, but I don’t think we could be friends. Things got really awkward after I had come out, even though we weren’t dating at the time or anything.”
“Ok,” Vance nodded. “I don’t think there’s much we can do to help Kerass until he wants help from us. He doesn’t need to want help to receive it, because I’m willing to help him out in any way. I quite like him even though he bugs me. He’s a total pain, really. Yet it’s his decision to accept help from us. From what I can tell, he doesn’t want it. I think it’d be foolish to try, a waste of time. We can only offer so much.”
Damien wiped his forehead. He wasn’t sweating, but he felt unnaturally hot. A lot of what Vance was saying seemed legitimate advice. There was nothing more in this moment that he wanted to do to help Kerass. Biting his tongue, he determined not to reply to Vance’s advice. He simply nodded in agreement.
Julia paced in the waiting room. The hospital always scared her. She wasn’t sure why, but she felt deathly uncomfortable there. Of course it had happened. Lyra got sick, but the thing was when Lyra got sick, she was hospitalized. Even though it was the flu, it knocked her out and she needed constant watch and care. She found it odd that Lyra was placed in the Intensive Care Unit, a bit overreacting, but the doctors always knew best, or so she hoped.
Lyra had been in the hospital for a week. Julia swung by every day to visit her, but was denied as she wasn’t a family member. She never seemed to be there the same time as Lyra’s mother. She had begged her parents to talk to Lyra’s mother, to explain why she allowed it to happen. Lyra’s smile made it all worth it.
Standing up, she saw Lyra’s mother walk by the waiting room. They locked eyes with each other. All the mother did was nod. That was all she needed. She would be back at Lyra’s home helping Lyra once again the upcoming Monday. She owed her parents big time, but even though it cost Lyra so much energy and pain, she didn’t regret having gone to the stream, not even for a second.
Jeremy walked into the student center and saw Pax do a slight wave at him. It still took him some time to find the student center, but he was getting more used to the layout on campus.
“You made it!” Pax said jubilantly stretching out his arms in excitement. He continued stating that he was glad they finally found time to meet up together. “How have you been doing this week?”
“All right, I guess…” Jeremy trailed. “Can I just tell you something, really serious, cut the pleasantries?”
“Sure, if that’s what you want.”
“I relapsed yesterday. Actually, I don’t even know if that’s the proper term for that. See, I’m a cutter and it had been over a year since I had cut myself.”
“Wow…” Pax sighed and then placed his hand on Jeremy’s shoulder. “I’m so glad you told me. I’ll try to help you through this,” he added letting go of his shoulder.
“How? Are you a cutter too?”
“No, but I’ve done my fair share of things, more than enough. I want to help point you towards Jesus and if you need to get help outside of that from like a counselor or something, I’d just love to walk alongside you through that.”
“Uh…I don’t know about seeing a counselor,” Jeremy timidly replied.
“Well, just think about it. Thanks for sharing though, that was very brave of you, but I gotta ask, why did you open up so quickly?”
“I’m tired of hiding who I am.”
“And who’s that?”
“A broken man desperately in need of a savior.”
“You’re much farther along than I was at your age,” Pax reassured him, patting him on his back.
“I thought you could be my friend, my mentor even,” Jeremy tacked on hopefully.
“I would love that, but why me?”
“Because I feel like I can trust you.”
Kerass took deeper breaths while Damien helped him bench press again. Working out was the only time his brain had peace and quiet. He relished the time when everything was silent and the only thing he was focusing on was the pain his body felt, pain and pleasure intertwined. Nothing would disturb his sense of peace.
“I’m surprised Jez let you work out today,” Damien said, his voice wavering with trepidation.
“She’s left already. She allows me this hour even when she’s here. She knows I need that hour of quiet,” Kerass said trying his best to emphasize the last sentence. It completely backfired.
Damien asked why he needed to have this time be silent. “We used to talk.”
“I know, but just not here. It’s not the right setting.”
“Yeah, well, there never really is a right setting to talk about what you went through.”
“What do you mean, what I went through?” Kerass asked sitting upright, placing the weight away.
“Your girlfriend physically and emotionally abused you in public.”
“That wasn’t abuse! It didn’t hurt me at all,” Kerass defensively replied. Even as he said it aloud, he didn’t believe it, but he didn’t want Damien to know that.
“Blood dripped down your cheek. Can you remember that? And you say it didn’t hurt.”
“That didn’t hurt as much as what she said!” Kerass erupted. He instantly regretted saying anything.
“She hurt you man, bad. I hated seeing that. It was disgusting.”
“It wasn’t disgusting,” Kerass said lowering his voice. “We had a misunderstanding and it got a little out of hand. That’s all.”
“A little out of hand? Why aren’t you standing up for yourself? You deserve to be treated so much better than that. You deserve more than her.”
“Take that back! Don’t you dare say that. I, personally, believe in turning the other cheek. Plus, I don’t deserve anything and she gives me a hell of a lot more than a guy like me deserves. She’s perfect for me. What kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn’t overlook an outburst here or there?”
“It was abuse. Why can’t you admit that?”
“Because it’s only abuse if you’re not man enough to take it and I’ll be damned if I let this break me,” Kerass replied breathily. He took a deep breath open mouthed, trying to calm himself down.
“You’ve got it all wrong, Kerass. A real man admits when he’s broken, when he needs help.”
“What do you know about being a real man, huh?” Kerass spat back at him. “You’re gay. You have no idea what being a real man is.”
There was an eerie stillness as others around them stopped running on their treadmills, placed their weights down, and pulled ear buds out. Kerass had spoken that a lot louder than he had intended.
“I didn’t realize you felt that way about me,” Damien stoically whispered back. “There’s no reason to attack my sexuality. I’ve got no time or energy to fight back against that. Don’t say that again,” his voice commanded. “I suggest you leave before I break your face.”
Kerass glared at him. Picking up his towel, wiping his forehead, he stepped out of the gym, his head up, avoiding eye contact with everyone he walked past.
Lighting his cigarette, Pax sat down on the bench in the alumni gardens. The serenity of this isolated place still brought peace and quiet to his mind. He knew he shouldn’t be smoking, but the relief he felt from the nicotine was too strong to pass up. It was a vice he had no intentions of breaking. Someone sat down next to him. He knew exactly who it was before he turned around.
“Hello, Jaden,” Pax said with a smile on his face.
“You forgot we were meeting today, didn’t you?”
“No, that was yesterday and you didn’t show up,” Pax replied.
“No, Pax, we meet on Wednesdays. We always meet on Wednesdays.”
“Today is Thursday.”
Jaden instantly apologized and asked for forgiveness.
“You know you already have it,” Pax reassured her. “Honestly I don’t think there’s much else we can do for Droplet right now.”
“I know. That’s not what I wanted to talk to you about this week.”
“Ok,” Pax said raising his eyebrows. He exhaled smoke and turned to face her directly.
“We’ve been through a lot, you and me.”
Pax nodded. Memories flooded back of the time before he was a believer, a follower of Jesus. Jaden had seen it all. He would never forget that.
“It took some time to work through the sophomore year travesty.”
Pax didn’t want to remember that, in spite of it being fundamental to their ever-growing friendship. “Get to the point, Jaden. I, for one, don’t like dwelling on the past.”
“We have a special connection that I think could go further. You’ll always be my friend, but I want more. Will you go out with me, Pax?”
He froze. Hesitation painted his face. He didn’t want to break her heart. “I’m flattered, really, but I’m not available.”
“What are you dating Jesus?” Jaden chastised frustrated.
“No,” Pax laughed, “but that was funny. I’d been meaning to tell you, but I just hadn’t found the time. She’s really great. She-”
“I’m sorry, I just can’t right now,” Jaden said walking away sniffling.
Putting out his cigarette, he tried to think about what just happened. From her reaction he felt like he blew it, but in the long run it was best that they didn’t further their friendship in that way. Deciding it was best not to tell his girlfriend about this, he stood up and walked out of the alumni gardens. Echoes of memories past of a blow out with Jaden in this same garden two years prior flashed through his mind. He thought they had matured, and he was pretty convinced that was true, but the reaction to hearing about how he was dating bothered him immensely. He decided he would ignore it all. Seeing as he was so predictable to Jaden, avoiding the gardens for a while might be the best decision.
The knocking outside awoke Cadence from her slumber. Wiping sleep out of her eyes, she looked at the clock and acknowledged that she had taken a 2-hour nap. He shouldn’t be home this early, unless he was trying to surprise her. Yet again, he had a key to the office. Who was knocking at the door? Cadence got up and opened the door. Her mother stood before her.
“Hello Cadence,” she said.
Cadence tried to close the door, but her mother’s hand stopped her from shutting it.
“Are you not going to talk to me?” her mother asked. She reminded her that she was her mother and it hurt her not to hear from her.
“You going to tell me you want me to come back home again?”
“Yes. You know it. I can see it in your eyes. He is not good for you, sweetheart. Just tell me you want me to help and I’ll be there. I’ll be there regardless, but it can only help so much if you don’t want my help.”
“I don’t need your help. He loves me. He’s more than I deserve. He’s perfect for me. Don’t blame me because you couldn’t hold onto Dad.”
“You sound just like your father.”
Cadence glared at her. Anger boiling up inside of her, she spat in her mothers face. Her mother taken aback gasped and let out a little screech.
“What is wrong with you, Cadence? Don’t you know how much I love you? Why would you do that to your own mother?” her mother demanded.
“Because I don’t believe you. If you loved me you’d be happy for me because I have found peace. I don’t need anything more than him and you keep trying to take him, the only good thing in my life, away from me. If you can’t accept him, you have no business being a part of my life.”
“You’ve lost it,” her mother solemnly said.
“Get out,” Cadence uttered gutturally. “GET OUT!”
Jay walked alongside Gil. He couldn’t believe he had said yes. He wasn’t even that attracted to Gil, but he was so floored that he had been asked out that he couldn’t say no. Gil smiled at him. He had the whitest teeth. There wasn’t much more about his physical appearance that attracted him, but hey, at least that’s a compliment.
“You’re not really enjoying this, are you?” Gil asked.
“Dinner was nice,” Jay unconvincingly replied.
“I knew it. It’s ok.”
“Gil, you’re great and I think we could be really great friends, but-”
“There just wasn’t any spark,” Gil completed the sentence.
Jay nodded. Telling him he was sorry about it all. “I know you wanted more.”
“No, not necessarily. I wanted to explore what it would be like to be with you. We both realized it wasn’t working, but I still want to be a part of your life.”
“I know. I feel the same way. You’ve changed a hell of a lot since last year.”
“Don’t I know it…” Gil replied under his breath.
“I’m amazed by how unashamed you are to just be yourself.”
“That’s only because I learned it from you,” Gil replied sincerely. He asked him if he wasn’t comfortable with his sexuality.
“I’d like to think that I am, but I’m not always sure. It’s tough.”
“You helped me so much, Jay and now I’m going to help you. You can talk to me any time about this and I think we should discuss this weekly to help you get to a place of self-confidence.”
It was a weird but enticing offer. Without thinking about it, Jay agreed to meet with him weekly. Immediately after he had concerns that Gil was trying to get them to fall in love, but he decided it was best not to think on it.
“Excellent, I’ll see you next week,” Gil said walking away.
Watching him walk away, Jay wondered if he would ever find love. Gil was definitely not someone he wanted to be with. He really wasn’t, right?
Cadence took a deep breath. She knew he was angry and she didn’t blame him.
“She was here?” he yelled out. “Why did you open the door for her?”
“I didn’t know it was her,” Cadence began. She went on saying by the time she realized who it was it was too late to close the door.
“Liar,” he whispered.
“I won’t do it again.”
“You certainly won’t,” he said. He rushed at her and punched her in the face. She felt dizzy. He punched her again. She spit blood out of her mouth. Collapsing to the ground, she felt him kicking her in the stomach.
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