Two words. That was all that needed to be said. Touching her back first and then hugging her from behind, pulling her close to him, he laid his head on her shoulder. Cadence found her breathing slowed. Placing her hand on his arm, she let go.
“I’m sorry,” he repeated.
Letting the words slip out, she reassured him that she knew. “It’s ok,” she said as she turned around embracing him. Her shoulder became damp as he burst into tears.
Kerass exhaled staring at the ceiling of his dorm room. She would text back, she had to. He could wait. His heart rate rose. The classes were completely different than he thought they would be. He couldn’t quite grasp what to do to get better, but he knew he needed to and fast. He needed a mental break from all the textbooks and assignments. There was no time, no time at all to get the work done. If only she’d text him back, he could move on, get the boost he needed.
None of his classes were hard per se, they were just different. Most things weren’t taught. Classes were more of a discussion on the textbook readings, which there was a lot of. That was a whole new ballgame. Kerass had never done the reading in high school and he found himself having to run to catch up. He had never been a fast reader and consistently found himself falling asleep on his bed reading a textbook. History was the hardest for him to pay attention to. He knew for certain he’d never be a history major.
His phone dinged. She had replied with three letters: yes. Breathing a sigh of relief, he sat up on his bed. A banging on the door stirred him to stand up. He exhaled avoiding eye contact when he saw who was standing before him.
“Are you ready to go, broseph?” Damien asked.
“I told you not to call me that.”
“Oh, that’s right I forgot, the uber sensitive man wants no nicknames.”
“I am not sensitive,” Kerass retorted. He added that it wasn’t a nickname issue. “I just don’t like the word. Plus, watch your mouth. I don’t need to be called overly sensitive from a gay guy of all people.”
“Hey, hey, hey whoa! Slow down there,” Damien said changing his tone. Completely stoic, he continued, “I’ve met plenty of straight guys who are more sensitive than me. It’s not an offense, simply an observation. There’s no direct correlation between homosexuality and sensitivity, so you can stop your immature spitting on my sexuality, ok?”
“Ok, sorry,” Kerass grunted out. Changing the subject, he added, “And could you be careful when you try to break down the door next time? You know a simple knock will do, right?”
“Who ruffled your feathers?”
“Old school analogy man. No one. Actually I couldn’t be happier.”
“That’s complete and utter bullshit, but please continue lying through your teeth.”
“I’m not lying, just agitated with you.”
“Agitated enough to cancel on lunch with me and Vance?”
“Where is he anyway?”
“Already there. Well, you never answered the question. Do you not want to go?”
“Nah, I need to get out of my dorm room.”
“All right then, just try not to be so pissy at lunch. If you are, Vance will bite your head off.”
“Whatever, you lead the way,” Kerass said playfully shoving Damien out of the room.
Jay walked around the campus breathing in the fresh air. It was a joy getting out of class early and as he walked, he couldn’t help but feel a peace about the campus. Not too many people were walking about. He tried to say hi and wave to people as they walked by, yet the looks he received told him quickly that wasn’t the proper way to go about college life, at least not on his campus.
The talk with Jeremy went smoothly. It was like nothing had happened between them at all. The drama of high school, especially from senior year, lay behind them. It was easy, but most of all, it was just fun to be with him. Jay couldn’t stop himself from just being around him. Jeremy went into great detail about how letting go of his past mistakes was easy for him and he realized he could become a new man in college. It was such a crock, but Jay couldn’t help enjoying the bull in spite of it all. At the very least, Jeremy was happy and Jay didn’t want to mess around with anyone else’s happiness.
After having walked around for 15 minutes, Jay determined it’d be nice to take a break and sit on one of the many benches spread throughout the campus. As he took a deep breath, a guy came up to him, asking him if he could sit down and talk. Jay nodded.
“The name’s Pax,” he said holding out his hand.
“Jay,” he replied taking the handshake.
“What are you a freshman?” Pax asked, a calming nature to his voice.
“Got me pegged.”
“I thought so. You’ve still got that dreamy look in your eyes.”
“Let me guess…senior?”
“You bet. I can’t wait to graduate. Too many memories of my past float around here.”
“Sounds like high school,” Jay observed.
“Oh, totally, only it’s so much worse. The consequences here are far worse than a detention.”
Jay looked at him. Pax was nervous, apprehensive even. Jay knew he wanted to share something.
“You have something to say, then why don’t you say it?”
“I don’t like blurting it out. It’s never been my style.”
“You’re style to what?”
“Evangelize,” Pax breathed out.
“You want to tell me about Jesus?” Jay nearly spat out. “I’ve heard it all before.”
“Yeah, but not by me. Not my story,” Pax replied.
“You wouldn’t want me for your group.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“I’m gay, not exactly the picture-perfect Christian.”
“So? It depends on who you talk to. Do you want to talk about that?”
“No,” Jay replied flabbergasted. “What’s there to talk about? I’m gay and that’s that.”
“Well, why’d you bring it up then if you didn’t want to talk about it? Did you think that would scare me away?”
Jay didn’t know what to say. Pax intrigued him whilst annoying him and he knew there was no way of getting rid of him until he heard the story. “Go ahead and share your story.”
“Nah, you don’t want to hear it, and that’s cool too.”
“Maybe one day.”
“I hope so. Anyway, there’s a group I’m a part of on campus. We meet on Wednesday nights at 8. The interest meeting’s tonight. It’s called Droplet. You’d know someone there already, so just think about it ok?”
“There’s another group that meets on Wednesday nights. Perhaps another semester?” Jay replied honestly.
“That’s fine. Do you mind if I give you a flyer just in case you change your mind?”
Jay told him that would be fine. Pax handed over the flyer with the biggest smile on his face. It was so giddy that it seemed fake, but Jay couldn’t be sure. He bid Pax farewell. Pax lingered for a moment telling him how much of a blessing it was to have met him. Jay had never heard that description about a five-minute discussion upon a first meeting before. Jay sighed. Campus was weird.
Julia exhaled when she saw the view. Lyra had turned around within the past week. Instead of simply staying inside, sitting at the same spot all day, she wanted nothing else than to be outside. For hours on end they walked around town, in the forest, by the river. It was refreshing at first, but Julia was getting tired. Yet she didn’t want Lyra’s happiness to end. So she put up with the constant walking and after the first day where she had become dehydrated from all the walking, she determined to always carry water alongside her.
Lyra still didn’t talk, but when she glanced at the multi-colored leaves waving in the wind, Julia saw the faintest hint of a smile. Those brief moments made all the hardships worth it, all the loneliness, the depressing atmosphere and all. Everything was worth it to see Lyra forget.
Today they stopped by the river and decided to eat, lay down on the grass a while. Julia ventured to dip her toes in the water, while Lyra ran into the water fully clothed submersing herself within seconds. It was way too cold for Julia’s taste.
“Come in!” Lyra called out.
Julia froze. She really wanted to say no, but she felt compromised. Instead of over-thinking it, she spoke, “Do I have a choice in the matter?”
“No,” Lyra beamed laughing.
Julia didn’t want to walk back in soaking clothes. She stripped down to her bra and underwear and slowly made her way to the water. With every step in she let out a scream.
“It’s so cold!” Julia grunted, laughing through it all.
“Just get in already,” Lyra challenged.
Julia walked faster finding herself submerging to her neck. She left out an exasperated gasp as her body tried to adjust to the temperatures. Inside she knew there was no way they wouldn’t get sick from this. Lyra couldn’t handle the sickness, but she also couldn’t just be inside. Julia knew she might ruin everything by having agreed to this, but the temporary, fleeting happiness…she didn’t want that to pass. She had to hold onto it as long as she could.
Jeremy walked towards the Droplet interest meeting. He needed some Christian fellowship again and he was hoping that this would be the answer. Pax, the guy who told him about the meeting, went straight to his side.
“You made it!” Pax called out. He continued stating he wasn’t sure if he was going to show. “I’m glad you did though.”
“I really need friends,” Jeremy admitted sheepishly.
“Ok,” Pax responded flustered.
“I’m sorry, that came out weird.”
“It’s ok. I understand. I didn’t always fit in with Droplet.”
“I feel like I can trust you. Can we talk?” Jeremy asked hopefully.
“Uh…yeah. I’m kind of busy during the meeting, but we can talk later certainly.”
“Is that girl with you?”
“Who Jaden? No, she’s sick with the flu. Wait hold up. You didn’t just come here because you have the hots for her, did you?”
“No,” Jeremy said staring at the sidewalk. “At least it wasn’t the main reason why.”
“Be careful. She’s a tough girl.”
“Ok,” Jeremy replied sighing.
“Hey,” Pax said gently gripping his arm. “I love your honesty. We’ll definitely talk later, ok?”
Jeremy nodded. Pax then walked away, telling him he needed to make the rounds. Jeremy knew he should go and introduce himself, but he found the words wouldn’t come out. Within seconds someone else walked up to him introducing with the brightest smile he had ever seen. Yep, he had made the right choice. He saw in the distance that Pax was looking towards him and smiling. Droplet certainly seemed appealing so far from the interest meeting. Before he knew it another group of people came over to him introducing themselves. He knew then he could be comfortable here.
Jay walked into the building. This experience would be different. It had to be. Pax had invited him to Droplet, the biggest Christian group on campus. Jeremy also invited him to Droplet. Droplet could work great for Jeremy, but Jay didn’t want that anymore. He needed to embrace who he was. He had never had a good gay-straight alliance experience in high school, but hopefully that would all change in college. He really needed gay friends. He had had a boyfriend, but never really a gay friend where the sexual tension didn’t get in the way.
As he walked in the door, Gil raced over to him, instantly hugging him.
“I never thought we’d be on the same campus!” Gil exclaimed as he continued stating that he was thrilled to see him. “Everybody, this is Jay. He’s the guy who helped me out of the closet.”
“I’m not that special,” Jay stated uncomfortably as Gil side hugged him tightly.
“Bull,” Gil said showing the whites of his teeth. “Come in, buddy,” Gil stated as he led him to a seat.
Perhaps having a gay friend without the sexual tensions wasn’t everything it was cracked up to be. He felt so awkward that he felt his heart would explode from the sheer embarrassment of being ousted the moment he walked into the meeting. Things had to change. Nothing made him feel more alone than knowing he didn’t belong, even to his own sexuality. While he was definitely gay, he always felt ostracized, even by the gay community. This was a mistake. Was this truly as good as it gets? As he sat there listening to everyone laughing and smiling at each other, he had never felt more alone.
“Just give us a taste of who this girl is who’s stolen your heart,” Damien said.
Vance nodded, “Yeah, don’t leave us in the dark.”
“She’s incredible. Jez is the sweetest person I’ve ever met. I always feel like she listens to me,” Kerass stated, his eyes glossy. He went on to say that she had changed his life. “I mean, nobody compares to her. She’s the greatest girlfriend in the world.”
Damien rolled his eyes. Of course Kerass felt that way. He had felt the same way about Jay at one point, but that was a while ago. He knew now the feelings were fleeting if the love wasn’t real.
“Hey, you were the ones who asked me to share!” Kerass challenged.
“Yes, but you didn’t share,” Vance calmly replied. “See, I know you feel strongly for her, but I know nothing about her other than she’s the supposed ‘greatest girlfriend ever’,” he stated using air quotes. “I know nothing about her. What does she like?”
“She likes me. Isn’t that enough?”
“I don’t think so, man,” Vance shook his head.
“Yeah, Vance is right,” Damien tacked on. “It can’t just be about what she does for you. You’ve gotta do some things for her. That involves listening to her.”
“Whatever. I know she loves me and that’s all that matters,” Kerass said with a defensive tone. “I’ve got to get back to homework, anyways,” he said whilst standing up.
“No, Kerass, don’t leave angry,” Damien called after him, but Kerass had already left.
“You’ve got some weird people in your life,” Vance observed calmly.
“He’s going through a rough time.”
“Clearly,” Vance nodded in agreement.
“Why won’t he open up?”
“That’s not something you can force out of someone, Damien.”
Damien nodded. It was hard seeing Kerass be so defensive, but it didn’t matter. He knew Kerass was strong, he’d survive this. Yet, Damien couldn’t help but worry about him.
Kerass beamed as she walked over to him. What a surprise! His girlfriend Jez showed up to campus. Overwhelmed by the support that he was shown by her, he raced to her, opening his arms to hug her, but she remained distant.
“Why didn’t you text me back? Do you realize I’ve been waiting for an hour and a half for you?” Jez said. Her voice rose as she asked how he could do that to her.
“I’m sorry! I was with the guys. Had I know you were here I would’ve ditched them.”
“That’s a lie.”
“No, it’s not!” Kerass defended himself.
“Is everything ok?” Damien said as he walked over to them. Kerass looked at him helplessly. Jez slapped Kerass. Kerass felt a drop of blood drip down from his cheek releasing over his chin. As he stood there trying to figure out what had happened, he heard laughter from others around him, cheers, prodding her on. As he tried to collect his breath, she slapped him again.
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