When Kerass woke up, he didn’t remember anything. Looking around trying to take in his surroundings, he could tell he had woken up in a hospital bed. He cursed under his breath shaking his head.
Mr. Baganz, his teacher sponsor for football, was standing over him. How Kerass had initially missed seeing Mr. Baganz in the room was beyond him.
“Again?” Kerass asked.
Mr. Baganz nodded once. “Strike 3.”
“Please don’t use a baseball analogy on me,” Kerass said. He admitted he didn’t care for the sport and wanted to be told straight. “Hit me with it.”
“You had another concussion.”
Kerass exhaled. He was infuriated. Three months had passed since he hit his head on the sprinkler and blacked out on the field. He felt inferior because he kept injuring himself. Maybe he was inadequate at the game. He didn’t want to be, but he was disillusioned by how he just kept injuring himself.
“This has never been a problem before,” Kerass said defensively.
“Obviously that’s not true, seeing as this is the third time I’m meeting you in a hospital room,” Mr. Baganz said. He then went on to say that Kerass was pushing himself too hard and that he needed to step back for a little while. “Everyone wants to be at their best, I get that, but if you overwork yourself, over push yourself you’ll end up harming everything you’ve built up for.”
Everything became clear to Kerass in that moment. He didn’t believe a word Mr. Baganz said, but he liked him and respected him. He wanted him to understand why that was unacceptable.
“I need to get a scholarship…” Kerass whispered to him.
“I understand completely, but you still have another year.” Mr. Baganz sighed. It was evident that he was uncomfortable with what he was about to say.
“Just say it, you owe me that,” Kerass said staring at him in the way he very rarely did. He always got honest answers with that stare though.
“Considering that this is your third time in the hospital since the season began and you show no signs of slowing down, I have decided as your sponsor that you are unfit to play for the game on Friday.”
“But Mr. Baganz it’s the final game!” Kerass yelled horrified.
“I know, and I know how much it means to you, believe me I do, but for the good of your personal health my decision is final.”
“You can’t do this to me,” Kerass said resentfully, but ultimately feeling powerless.
“It’s already been done. Your father signed off on it too,” Mr. Baganz said with finality.
Mr. Baganz turned around to leave telling him to get some rest. “Oh, and Kerass, if you ever need to talk about anything, and I mean anything, even this decision for example, please don’t be frightened to have a knock on my door. I know exactly how you feel.”
Kerass wanted to fight back. He wanted to tell him how alienated he felt and that he had made a big mistake because it was ruining his entire future. He didn’t have the energy to dwell on his hostility though, for he was too exhausted, and surely enough he found himself drifting off to sleep again.
Jay lay down on his bed in the early afternoon a half hour after school had let out. He groaned realizing that he needed to journal even though it wasn’t his usual time to do so. He knew he needed to process things through writing and looking at the clock, he knew he had a limited time to do so before Jeremy came over.
Once his pen hit the paper, as always his words flowed effortlessly. He began writing by asking the question of why did it always surprise him that processing through words on paper was so easy to do, but so hard to begin. Moving on he acknowledged that both a lot and not much at all had changed over the past three months. He had kept going to the Christian group every Thursday and surprisingly had quickly learned everyone by name. These were people who said hi to him in the halls and asked him how his day was going. But he had withheld his sexuality from them. He had thought it was completely obvious. It was as natural to him as eating and drinking, however none of the group ever mentioned it to him. He was convinced that if they ever thought he was, they’d ask him straight up about it. They were either completely oblivious or completely naive, a characteristic that Kerass used to have in stokes, and even on the rare occasion still showed.
Jay hadn’t spoken to Kerass in a while, not since he shared the good news of his mother responding with a smile. How had he allowed three months to go by without talking with his best friend? There was no excuse. He should be there for Kerass through this awkward time. Although he hadn’t shared about his mother with Kerass. He couldn’t help but think that Kerass was withholding secrets too.
If he was perfectly honest, the reason he had avoided Kerass had to do with Julia. It was odd because there were times he felt so guilty about not admitting he was a part of the detestable protest. In fact, he hadn’t even told Kerass that he was…no, had been friends with Julia.
The doorbell rang and he realized that he’d have to finish journaling later. He ran to the door and opened it with a smile on his face.
“My main man!” Jeremy said giving Jay a high five. He continued saying he was so glad that Jay had asked him over to hang out. “It’ll be fun.”
Jay sighed. He had tried to not make this his everything, but once again, he had failed. “That’s not exactly why I asked you over.”
“Oh?” Jeremy asked laden with sympathy. “What’s up, Jay?”
This was it, the moment of truth. He hated that he had to constantly recome out to each and every friend he would meet for the rest of his life. But he knew that if he wanted Jeremy to be a true friend, he had to know. The words were on the tip of his tongue and stayed there a few seconds before he blurted out, “I’m gay, Jeremy. I know this probably comes as a shock.”
Jeremy simply shook his head. “I know. All of the guys in the group have known honestly since the first time you showed up. Your reputation precedes you.”
Jay was floored. He stammered before he asked how he knew but then took it back muttering that it didn’t matter. “Why didn’t you say anything about it?”
“Because it’s not something I’m going to come to you about. I wasn’t going to out you until you were ready to come to me and tell me about it.”
“So gays are allowed to join the Christian group?”
Jeremy shook his head laughing. “Oh, Jay, what am I going to do with you? Everyone is allowed to join our group.” He patted Jay on the back. “Believe me when I say we never turn anyone away.”
“You’ll still be my friend?” Jay asked ashamed that he even had to vocalize the question.
“Always.”
“So, just to be clear,” Jay began. He asked the question that had been on his mind ever since he began to attend the Christian group on a weekly basis. He asked if the group believed that it was ok to be gay.
Jeremy hesitated. It was obvious from the way that he carried himself that he wanted to say something but just didn’t feel like he could. “Let’s not get into a political discussion. Let’s just chill out and be friends.”
“Why won’t you answer the question?”
“Honestly?”
Jay nodded. He continued to say that he could handle any truth that Jeremy would hit him with.
“Because you’re not ready to hear the answer right now.”
Jay felt alienated, but he simply left it at that and for the rest of the afternoon not a single word was spoken on the subject and while the conversation hadn’t gone the way he had expected or hoped, he had been honest and it had created a new bond between him and Jeremy. He was able to let it go and just relax with his newly close friend Jeremy for the rest of the afternoon before they were going to head off to the reopening ceremony of the water tower together.
Cadence strummed her fingers on the table at her favorite booth in the Hub. She glanced at her watch. The ceremony began 15 minutes ago.
“Gus, come on!” Cadence said. She continued saying that they were going to miss the ceremony entirely.
Gus locked eyes with her. “I was hoping that we could celebrate the new water tower in another way.”
“What are you asking me?” Cadence said miffed at the sudden change in plans.
“Give me one week.”
Cadence raised one eyebrow at him.
The ribbon was slit. The crowd burst into applause as they dedicated the new water tower to the water tower generation. Julia thought this was ludicrous wording, but it was just whatever. This type of a ceremony was one where people joked about ‘you knew you grew up in a SMALL town when…’ It was just so pointless.
“Hey,” Jay said next to her, which brought her back into the real world.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t even see you come over,” Julia said laughing at herself on the inside.
“Are you still mad at me?” Jay asked outright.
Julia was a little taken aback by his assertiveness. This was very unlike Jay. She shook her head. “I was never mad at you,” she began. She continued saying that it was still an awful thing for him to do.
“Does this mean we can still be friends?”
“Why is your basis of friendship based on works?” Julia asked outright. “I forgave you. It was only momentary frustration. Why can’t you just accept my forgiveness point blank?”
And with that Jay simply walked away from her. It was pretty rude, but all right. She may have been too upfront with him, but seriously he just needed to take it. Why couldn’t he take the truth the way that Kerass was always able to? Julia just brushed it off without another thought like she always did.
“It was really awkward,” Jay was explaining to Jeremy a few yards away from Julia. He continued saying that he was quite upset that Jeremy had challenged him in that way. “You made it seem like I had to mend things with her.”
“That’s because you did,” Jeremy responded.
Jay couldn’t think of anything to retort so he simply kept quiet.
Jeremy continued saying that he should tell Mr. Martin about being part of the water tower protest.
“Are you insane? I’d get kicked off the team!” Jay responded flabbergasted.
“You don’t know that. Don’t fret though. I’m not gonna fast for you or anything.”
“Good, so you’re not completely crazy,” Jay added sarcastically.
“I’ve never been crazy, just…broken,” Jeremy trailed off.
Jay was going to ask him what he meant, but then Kerass walked over to him. Jay exhaled. He felt comfortable around Kerass. He felt at home.
“It’s been far too long,” Kerass told Jay.
Jay beamed. “You took the words right out of my mouth.” He turned to introduce Kerass to Jeremy but Jeremy had left.
“Who was that guy you were with?”
“It wasn’t my boyfriend,” Jay said jokily.
“Did I imply that at all?”
Jay shook his head. He told Kerass that his name was Jeremy and that he had met him at the Christian group.
“You’re going to the Christian group?” Kerass asked pleasantly.
“Yeah,” Jay said. “I know it comes as a surprise.”
“Nothing about you surprises me anymore,” Kerass said with an air of jokiness about him.
“Jeremy reminds me of you, a lot actually.”
Kerass smiled. “That’s sweet, Jay. Thank you for that, really.”
Jay knew he needed to reconnect with Kerass. Their bond was too strong to ever fully die. It was good that they were taking the time to catch up in their crazy lives.
“I’m sorry, I’m gonna have to cut this short…later, though?”
Before Jay could fully comprehend what Kerass had said he watched as Kerass walked away from him. It must be the final football game of the season.
“Break a leg! Or whatever they say in football,” Jay called out to him.
Kerass paused and turned around. “Thanks,” he muttered. Jay could tell that his eyes were glistening. Kerass was hiding something, if not flat out lying, and he was going to find out what it was.
The final score flashed in his mind. 17-3. He mumbled the score out loud to himself. They had lost. They hadn’t even scored a single touchdown. The team was drowning without him and his tears as he watched in horror during the rivalry game could have overflowed a storm drain. Kerass stood in the bathroom. He splashed water on his face trying to cover up his tears from his father. The straight razor lay on the sink counter. He had poorly taken it out of a cheap shaving razor, which left over 30 minute cuts on his left hand. He needed space, but the whole concept of spaces between people seemed impossible even in as small a town as Oak Stream. The stress was too much for him and the only way he knew how to relieve stress was through pain. He slapped his forearm three times and then slowly took the razor across his flesh. He knew it wouldn’t kill him. He had no desire to die, just an overwhelming desire to feel. Then he cut himself again.
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