The forest seemed quieter than usual. There was no rustling of leaves, no birds singing, not even the faintest hint of wind. The stillness had an eerie quality about it. Death seemed to permeate the air. A slight mist started to come down from the leaves of the forest. It was like the forest itself was mourning.
Cadence took in her surroundings trying to understand why she was so miserable on this hike. The forest was so beautiful and before she had gotten together with Gus, she had never really taken the time to explore the forest that lay beside Oak Stream. The forest was menacing in the mist. The fact that they kept avoiding telling Kerass about their relationship status continued to weigh heavier and heavier on her shoulders.
The sound of the stream disrupted her thoughts. It was so odd. In the entirety of her life, she could not remember a single time hiking to the actual stream that Oak Stream was named after. Granted, as the forest grew up throughout the 200-year history of the town, the settlements, or Main Street in particular, grew further and further away from the stream. It took a little over an hour to hike to the stream. There was no road that led to it, so the only way to get to it was by hiking.
The stream roared beside them as they sat down on a giant rock that both touched the land and the stream. She smiled at him, but his gaze didn’t maintain, instead it drifted down to the raging water.
Cadence asked him what was wrong, but he just shook his head at her.
“I know, Cadence.”
“You know what?” she asked baffled.
“London. I stayed in the same hotel you were at when you were there two summers ago. Similar friends mingled, although oddly enough we never exchanged pleasantries.”
Cadence stopped Gus in his tracks. “Where is this going exactly?” she asked filled with apprehension.
“I know about your father.”
Cadence gasped.
“I know what he did to you,” Gus said gentler than she had ever heard him speak.
Their phones beeped simultaneously signifying a text message . Through nonverbals their gaze told each other it was fine to look. What Cadence read made her mouth drop: Kerass’ mom passed away.
Gus and Cadence stared at each other and in that instance she knew that this conversation that they so desperately needed to have would have to be put on hold like nearly everything else in their lives.
The ring tone went off startling Kerass back to reality. He was lying on the couch. Leaning over, he grabbed his cell, acknowledging that Jay was calling. He ignored it, which he knew in the moment would later come to bite him but he just couldn’t deal with Jay’s extravagant showcase of tears and sympathy. It truly made Kerass sick.
At least the guys in the Christian group had given him some semblance of space. They saw him in school individually either in between classes in the halls, or in the parking lot after school had ended. They all hugged him, told him they loved him, and that if he ever needed to talk to not be afraid to pick up the phone or to grab them in person. He thanked them genuinely, but internally he knew he would never dialog with them about this. He couldn’t even dialog with himself about this, so how could he even begin to attempt to dialog with them, good guys, but buddies he had met less than a month ago. They all promised him that they’d show up for the funeral as well. He told them it didn’t matter, he wouldn’t be able to truly acknowledge anyone’s presence there anyways because whether he showed it externally or not, he’d be a mess. Jeremy had been the only one to reply something else other than pleasantries to that. He had replied, “Listen, man, if this causes you to go over the edge, to I don’t know, have a crisis of faith, please talk with one of the brothers. Emotions aren’t meant to bristle inside.” Kerass was dumbfounded in how to respond to that, so he just nodded his head before he walked away.
Jay, on the other hand, had called him every day that week, but this morning was different. The funeral was in 5 hours and he simply didn’t want to deal with anyone today. Where do broken hearts go? he asked himself. They walk straight into the funeral service.
The doorbell rang. Kerass didn’t budge. He couldn’t move. He wasn’t even sure if he wanted to. The doorbell rang a second time. It was immediately followed by a knock on the door. One leg slid to the floor, the other followed suit. Slowly, Kerass rose up one vertebrae at a time. When he opened the door, Lyra stood before him with two lines of smeared mascara rolling down her face. Not a word was spoken. It was evident to him that she simply wanted to be with him in his time of need, in his time of mourning. She had been the only one so far to understand that the silence was what he wanted. The quiet helped him cope.
They sat on the couch in silence, clutching each other, and openly weeping together.
The men’s room inside Kerass’s father’s church was bigger than Jay had expected, spacious even. Kerass was washing his hands for the third time since Jay had entered the restroom. Forehead perspiring, or was it simply that he kept running water across his forehead? Whatever the case, Kerass looked like a wreck, understandably so, but concernedly he wasn’t crying. He had never looked so dead inside.
The fluorescent lights flashed off of something silver in Kerass’s hand. Jay couldn’t believe it. Kerass had taken off his cross necklace. He had worn that necklace every day since 6th grade. It was almost like he was unclad without it. Kerass spun it around his fingers. It nicked another man walking into the restroom. Jay had to bite his tongue from laughing. Immediately following that he felt horrible for almost laughing before a funeral, the funeral of his best friend’s mother no less.
Kerass never even noticed, or acknowledged at the very least, that Jay was even in the same bathroom. Looking over his shoulder, Kerass stealthily and slowly slipped the silver cross necklace into the trash.
Jay bit his tongue shouting an expletive in his mind. He had called Kerass all week, but when it came to confronting him in person, he froze. In spite of himself, he couldn’t help but notice before he left the restroom that Kerass, wearing a suit, was in long sleeves again. He wondered how many times Kerass had cut himself since his mother flatlined. The number was most likely in the hundreds…if not the thousands.
The funeral opened with the hymn Be Thou My Vision. Kerass sat in the front row alone as his father sat beside the podium. Mr. Baganz put his hand on Kerass’s shoulder giving it a gentle squeeze. Kerass put his hand on top of Mr. Baganz's, acknowledging it and silently thanking him for his comfort and care.
Kerass knew the lyrics by heart, but there was something different about this time. This time he actually paid attention to what the lyrics were saying. In the middle of the fourth verse, he saw the words ‘thou and thou only, first in my heart’. He couldn’t do it. He simply could not open his mouth to speak along. God hadn’t been Kerass’s first for a while. His mother had taken that place ever since the accident before high school had even begun. God had taken away his first from him, more specifically his father had, the pastor of this church. Any sense of comfort from the Lord had disappeared when the plug was pulled. For the rest of the hymn, he remained silent. Kerass cursed and spat at God in his mind. He imagined punching his father in front of the congregation. The only reason he didn’t do so was out of respect for the memory of his mother.
His father stepped up to the podium, putting a fist to his chest twice to clear his throat before he welcomed everyone, thanking them for showing up to the funeral of his dearly beloved wife. Kerass was already bitter toward his father even before he opened his mouth to speak. Didn’t anybody find it odd that he was officiating the funeral of his wife? Shouldn’t he be crying up a river? Nope, instead he disturbingly smiled. “The love of my life is with our Lord Jesus in heaven now.”
Perhaps no one else was disturbed by his almost sinister smile, but Kerass knew better. His father took this funeral to tell the story that was the foundation of the Christian faith, the story of the death of Jesus Christ, the son of God, on a cross, and his resurrection from the dead 3 days later. Kerass used to love the story of the cross and resurrection as a child, but now it irked him more than anything. He was too familiar with it and he couldn’t stand that every opportunity his father got, he gave the same message over and over and over again.
The most horrid thing, some would even claim it macabre, and rightly so, was that he knew his father didn’t really believe it. Kerass had had a conversation with his father the night after the plug was pulled. His father had said that he would lose his job as a pastor and every cent of income if the congregation found out that he instigated his wife’s passing. As far as anyone in the congregation, or even his high school friends knew, it was a fault in the equipment, an act of God, not a doctor forcing the plug out of the outlet. His father had said that everything, the entire reason this death even happened, would be for naught if the congregation knew. Kerass spited his father. He was truly sick and demented, a monster in the truest sense of the word. If only the people sitting behind him knew, if only they knew the truth…but that would never happen. His father would take this secret to the grave, that part was undeniable. There was nothing more important to his father than being a pastor, even if he was completely and utterly hypocritical preaching from the pulpit.
Kerass tuned out his father’s sermon. He had learned to do so ever since he was 3 years old and was scolded to keep quiet during the service. In his mind, kids should be kids, and he couldn’t stand that other parents followed his father like a lighthouse beam on the sea. His father had royally screwed him up and he could see it in the eyes of the children, they all started to hate church and that more than likely would never stop.
The final hymn before the procession out of the sanctuary was When I Survey the Wondrous Cross. Again, emphasizing Jesus over his mother, whose actual funeral it was. Really no words had been spoken about her. Kerass was stunned by how quickly the memory of her voice, her laugh was already fading.
He would never do this again. He would never step into his father’s house again. He needed to leave. All the people trying to comfort him, hug him, invading his personal bubble, the fakeness of the congregation disturbed him to his very core. Kerass swore to himself that he would never go to another church service ever again and if there was one thing he knew he could count on, it was the promises he made to himself.
He didn’t know where he would go, or if he would even stay in Oak Stream. He stood up during the final verse and started walking out of the building. He could sense Mr. Baganz’s, Cadence’s, and Jay’s eyes turning and following him down the isle. The last words he heard before the front doors shut behind him were: ‘love so amazing, so divine, demands my soul, my life, my all’.
End of Year 3
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