I want to do something that means something to someone, anyone, she said to herself. Looking back over the majority of her freshmen year at Oak Stream High Cadence knew that that had happened. Her relationship with Kerass meant the world to him. Her first time with Damien created a connection so meaningful to him that he had pursued her even after she told him that it meant nothing to her. It all seemed simply hopeless.
What she was beginning to realize was that these things meant everything to them, but it meant nothing to her. She was still hiding. She had created the peer support group to help her deal with her loneliness, to create a group of support, trust, and honesty. She was walking away knowing that she trusted Kerass, but she hadn’t been honest with him and that she was honest with Damien, but she hadn’t trusted him.
The entire year just seemed like a waste. She had made up her mind. She was going to return to Our Savior for her final three months of her freshmen year. That would give her a break from all the drama that pumped through the veins of Oak Stream. She would be under probation for the remainder of her freshmen year. After that they would reevaluate and determine if she was allowed to stay at the school for another year. If she was accepted again then it became the big choice: to choose between going to Our Savior or to return to Oak Stream.
It was a tougher decision than she had anticipated to make, but she had several months to think it over. However that wasn’t the biggest decision she was going to have to make. She didn’t know how she had caught herself in a love triangle in her first year of high school. However, when she really thought it over it was never a triangle. She had always chosen Kerass, but Kerass didn’t trust her with him. He had also told her to go when his father was in the hospital.
Damien and Jay were still on speaking terms with her, but the only one she wanted to be with was Kerass. She wanted to say goodbye to him so strongly, but she knew that was a false hope. There had to be something more than this. She just felt so lost, so lonely. It was almost like her heart was being stomped on like a welcome mat. She couldn’t help but blame herself for this though. Her own pride had pushed Kerass away, but his dumb judgment about what she did with her own body was despicable. She started to remember why she had pushed against him in the first place. Scratch that. She was right in doing so. She knew it. The fact that the relationship didn’t work out was his fault not hers.
Looking over at the clock, she nearly had a heart attack. She ran out of the house bolting to the bus. This was her last day. Ever since the incident at Damien’s house, Kerass no longer sat next to her on the bus, but went back to his seat in the back. He was sleeping. Just like the beginning, he seemed a million miles away from her. She determined then that she would slip out quietly. She knew he wouldn’t give her the chance to say goodbye. Her exiting was going to be noticed by no one, the same as she had entered. She was once again invisible.
Jay sat in the passengers seat as his father drove him to school. This whole new form of bonding seemed both sweet and pathetic at the same time. They didn’t have a relationship at all.
They sat in silence while One Direction’s first CD Up All Night was blaring from the speakers. For some unexplainable reason their music always soothed him. Whenever he was down all he had to do was plug in a 1D CD and his worries seemed to vanish for that brief period of time blaring out the song.
They were on the fourth track on the album as they drove into Oak Stream’s parking lot. Instead of driving up to the school’s entrance, his father put the car in park and shut the engine off.
“Uh, thanks Dad, but why aren’t you driving to the entrance?” Jay asked bewildered.
His father turned and looked at him saying that they needed to talk. Jay asked what was up. “Look, I’ve been holding back on asking you this for several months now,” his father began.
Jay’s heart dropped. He didn’t want to have ‘the talk’ now, especially this early in the morning. “Dad, don’t you think it’s too early for the sex talk?” Jay asked.
“No,” his father said emphatically. His father continued saying that during one’s teenage years hormones raged and a lot of questions about identity came up. “I have to ask you this,” he said letting out a deep breath. “Are you gay, Jay?”
It was on the walk down to the cafeteria at lunchtime before he saw her. Damien just took a second to look at her. She was beautiful. He couldn’t help but marvel at her beauty. Before he knew it she was turning down into the stairwell. He raced towards her, nearly breaking out into a run to get to that stairwell. The moment he turned into the stairs, he walked as slowly as possible attempting to keep his cool. He wasn’t about to show her how desperate he was to talk to her.
She looked over at him. They locked eyes for less than a second, but her face didn’t light up the way he had remembered it to. There was a tear that was falling down her face. She continued to walk down to the cafeteria. He knew then that he shouldn’t go after her, that he should let her handle whatever it was on her own. She obviously didn’t want to tell him what it was. It didn’t matter though. His feelings overwhelmed his reasoning.
He couldn’t fully remember how it happened, but he was sitting next to her at the cafeteria having given him permission to do so. That initial interaction was really a blur to him though.
“I’m leaving,” she said. She told him she was going back to Our Savior.
His throat tensed. He didn’t know what to say. He ultimately decided to wing it and hope and pray that God would bless his prayer. “I’ll wait for you,” he said. He went on saying that he didn’t care that she had attacked his beliefs or that she seemed to push against him. “I love you, Cadence. That’ll never change. I know Kerass isn’t talking to you at the moment. I just want you to remember that you have options. I’ll be waiting here for you when you come back.”
He then had the urge to kiss her on the cheek, but thought better of it. He got up and walked away realizing that he had said all he wanted to say. He had given it his best shot. Now all he could do was wait.
The day seemed to drag on forever. Kerass couldn’t wait to get on the bus to go home. He found himself counting down the minutes during his last class. 5 minutes to go… People started packing up their stuff. The day’s assignments were being turned in on the teacher’s front desk. 3 minutes to go… People started lining up at the door itching at the seems to run out of the building. Kerass, always having been one to obey the rules, sat quietly at his desk. He hadn’t packed a single thing. 2 minutes to go… The clock stopped. The second hand remained unmoving. He couldn’t believe his eyes. Time had literally stopped extending the school day. It was as if all of his worst nightmares were becoming a reality. With 1 minute to go, the minute hand and the second hand moved in perfect synchronization around the clock. The time was 2:05. Instantly, the final bell of the day went off. Kerass nearly leapt out of his seat, packing his stuff while he walked out of the door.
Ms. DeSouza called out to him right while he was in the doorway. He turned around reluctant. “The front office would like to speak with you.”
He grunted agitated that he had to spend another few minutes inside this school today. He was just so over freshmen year. After the football season, he had gotten his wish. People weren’t fake around him anymore, but they weren’t there either. No one seemed to notice him after the season had ended. He was itching for a vacation, but there were three more months left.
When he got downstairs, he found that there was only one student left in the office. It was Cadence. She looked over at him. Tears were streaming down her face. All of his instincts screamed at him to go over to her and to comfort her, but instead he just stood there unmoving.
“That’s the final form you need to fill out Cadence,” the receptionist told her. “I hope you enjoy the remainder of your freshmen year at Our Savior Lutheran. We’re losing a star student.”
“Thanks, Mrs. Boldling,” Cadence said, her voice barely above a whisper.
Kerass walked over to her on her way out of the office asking her when she had become so close to the receptionist.
“I haven’t, Kerass. It’s just called being polite.”
“So this is really it, huh?” he asked. “You’re really leaving?” She responded yes and that he wasn’t supposed to know about it. “Why wasn’t I supposed to know about it?”
“Because!” she said louder than she had initially intended to. “Because it’s hard enough to say goodbye leaving things the way they are,” she said her voice steadier.
He was speechless. He didn’t even know where to begin. He could barely believe that he even made a sound, but he said ok in response. He was about to burst into tears. The only girl, scratch that, the only person that he had trusted completely even if not all the time was leaving and she didn’t even intend to tell him. She didn’t even want to say goodbye. “I guess I’ll see you later,” he found himself saying.
“See you,” she said walking out the door.
He completely spaced that he was supposed to do something in the office. The world seemed to pause around him. The only thing he could focus on was her feet walking out the door. Inside his head he was screaming at her not to leave, not to go. The next word out of his mouth he spoke out loud.
“Please.”
End of Year 1
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