The silence continued to grow. Stillness seemed to be everywhere. It had been a full week, and Cadence had yet to say another word to Kerass ever since he had left Damien’s house. She had seen him each day in the hallway, but he avoided eye contact. As it had felt when she first came to the school, she began to feel invisible again. Perhaps it was what she deserved, but it still didn’t make things any easier to deal with.
Damien walked over towards her. Anticipation rose inside as he walked over to her. She didn’t want to be derailed, but she didn’t want to be pursued either. She didn’t know what she wanted.
“Hey,” Damien said. The simplicity of the greeting took her aback. She struggled to open her mouth and respond back. Not even knowing that her vocal chords were working again, she realized she had replied with a simple hi.
Silence ensued after the initial greeting which only made this whole interaction the more awkward. “We should really talk,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper. It took her a moment to process through what he had said because he was so quiet. The confidence he exuded with ease vanished after that night.
“Yeah, I guess we should,” she said against her better judgment. The last time this had happened it had ruined her relationship with Kerass. She wanted to make sure that this wouldn’t ruin it. She stopped herself. She had admitted to Kerass that she had had sex in a previous relationship. She also admitted that it meant nothing to her, but her own stubbornness let him leave the house without hesitation. She never went after him. She didn’t say anything else to Damien either, she simply left the house without a word. She let him go. Kerass and her were…she couldn’t even utter the word in her own mind. They were…she forced herself to say the word out loud, “over.”
“Over what? Like lunch or something?” Damien asked. She responded that that would be best. They would meet in the cafeteria and talk things out. He moved towards her in an attempt to hug her, but changed his mind midway. He awkwardly turned around and walked away.
“Over,” she said again louder this time breaking the silence that had consumed her for a week.
Damien walked into the English hallway. Room D60 really meant nothing to him. He was still trying to find the layout of the school. Upon walking into the classroom, the seating arrangement had changed yet again. His seating partner was Jay. His hand immediately shot up in the air. Mr. Hendricks called on him asking for his name for the ten thousandth time. “Damien, how come I’m sitting next to a freshmen? I’m a junior!” he exclaimed.
“It’s just study hall,” Mr. Hendricks said. He went on to explain that each study hall was packed with freshmen, sophomores, and juniors. Seniors got to eat lunch off campus during study hall period.
“Ridiculous,” Damien muttered under his breath.
“I’m really not that bad once you get to know me,” Jay said beside him instantly making Damien feel bad. Damien apologized saying he was just surprised by how study hall had worked at Oak Stream High.
“So…you’re the ex right?” Jay asked. He continued explaining he meant the ex that had come from out of town to sweep Cadence off of her feet.
“Let me guess, Kerass’ best friend?” Damien replied. Jay nodded. Damien continued saying, “Thought so. So, what’s his deal?” He went on asking why he was so intense.
“He’s less intense than he is judgmental,” Jay responded spitefully.
This surprised Damien. Jay was supposed to be Kerass’ best friend and yet he was derailing him behind his back. Wanting to learn more, he asked, “Why would you say that?”
“He’s a Christian,” Jay said.
“Back off!” Damien exclaimed. Mr. Hendricks perked up asking the two of them to quiet down. “So am I,” he said quieter.
Jay continued saying that that was fine but he didn’t want his rights imposed upon. Damien asked what rights he was referring to. “I’m gay,” Jay said.
“So what? That’s fine,” Damien said. Jay’s face revealed his thoughts. He was in shock. He wasn’t expecting to hear this. Damien continued saying, “This is the 21st century, right? We allow women preachers now. Times change and the way we read the Bible does too.”
Jay’s mouth dropped open. Damien continued saying that although he didn’t have a problem with it, he did have a problem with him releasing it so publically so quickly. “Seriously, be more careful about that. I mean, it’s fine now, but you could get beat up for something like that.”
“You’re right,” Jay continued saying that it just felt like it was his whole world and he just wanted acceptance.
Damien said he knew. “But don’t let any one thing consume your world.”
“Not even Christianity?”
“Especially not Christianity,” Damien replied. He said it was just a moral code that he chose to live by, nothing less, nothing more. He couldn’t understand why more Christians were like him. There was no other way to truly be a Christian he felt. Too many things just didn’t add up. However, when he said this out loud, he began to wonder if he even believed in the moral code of Christianity at all anymore. Deciding not to dwell on it, he asked Jay where Kerass was.
“I’m not sure,” Jay responded. “I haven’t seen him at all today.”
Lunch was nearing. Damien started counting down the seconds. His eyes never strayed from the clock. When the bell rang he bolted out the door without a word to Jay.
Kerass set his lunch down on the table next to her. He sat down and started to eat in silence. His mother lay in silence. Her breathing was rhythmic ultimately soothing him. Even though he didn’t know if she could hear him, he knew she was still alive and that was reason enough to put a smile on his face. It was moments like these that he treasured.
“I, uh,” he started clearing his throat, “I skipped school today to see you, Mom.” Tears started to form in his eyes. He continued saying that he was still doing well grade wise. He got A’s and B’s. “I don’t really get noticed after football season…I, uh, joined the swimming team. I’m not very good, but hey it’s at least something to keep my mind off of things.” He took a deep breath. Tears were flowing down his face now. It would have been easier to have just said the words in his head, but if there was even the slightest possibility that she could hear, it made talking through the tears worth it. “I’m so lonely, Mom. I feel like no one really sees or even hears me…” He paused, his face dropping. “I think we’re officially over now. She slept with her ex. Granted, it was while they were dating, but losing her virginity meant absolutely nothing to her.” His voice started to crack. “I’m so lost. I’m so alone. Mom, I can’t take the pain anymore. I feel like ever since your accident there’s been this huge hole that hasn’t been filled inside of me. I thought Cadence could fill that, but it only numbed the pain for a little while and now I’m all alone again.” His hands started shaking as he reached his hand out and grabbed hers. “Why isn’t Dad proud of me? Why can’t I ever please him? Mom, I need you. I need you to wake up. God, please, please help my mother to wake up,” he said barely above a whisper as he collapsed hugging her. His tears fell on the sheets until his eyes had run dry.
As he lay in silence the only thing he could hear was the rhythmic sound of her beating heart on the monitor.
Cadence sat down at her table waiting for Damien. She looked around the cafeteria. Neither Damien, nor Kerass were anywhere in sight. She started to get worried, not for Damien, but for Kerass. Even if it was over, she still felt protection over him. Before her mind wandered even more, Damien sat down next to her.
“Well-” he began.
“It’s over, Damien,” she cut him off. His face dropped. His breathing became deeper.
“I kinda expected as much,” he said a single tear slowly moving down his face. “Can we at least learn to live with each other being at the same school?” he asked gasping for a breath after he finished speaking.
“I don’t know,” she said. The silence after her response commanded attention. She didn’t want to even be friends anymore. Her decision was final, but she would never say this out loud to him. She tried to convey all of this with a simple look.
“Are you still friends with Jay?” he asked.
He obviously didn’t understand the finality part of the look. It frustrated her. She didn’t understand how he could possibly have interpreted that look any other way. Before her thoughts started racing he continued on saying that he and Jay had become fast friends during their study hall period. She asked him how.
“I accepted him as gay,” he said with a chuckle. “I guess I’m the only Christian who’s told him it’s ok to be gay.”
Her frustration at him turned into fury. He was completely blind to the contradictions in his very statement. “Damien, you are not a Christian.”
“Yes I am!” he exclaimed offense painted across his face.
“No, you’re not.” She continued saying that a Christian wouldn’t have sex before marriage. “A Christian wouldn’t claim that it was just a moral code. A Christian would say it’s about a relationship with God. A Christian would not encourage someone to embrace homosexuality. Now, I’m the farthest thing from a Christian and I was Jay’s first ally in his coming out process, but you have got to stop lying to yourself. Your views and your words don’t add up.”
“There’s nothing you can say. I know I’m a Christian. I just show more grace than the majority of us do,” he said boldly.
“Whatever, you can keep lying to yourself,” she said. She continued saying that eventually he would realize that she was telling the truth. He got up from the table and left the cafeteria without another word.
By the time Kerass walked into the house, he had realized he had spent several hours at his mother’s bedside. His father sat at the couch waiting for him.
“What do you think you were doing today?” his father asked. He continued saying that he had missed practice, which would cause him to miss the upcoming tournament.
“So what? Missing a tournament is more important than missing school?” Kerass asked back sarcastically.
“Yes! Because that’s who you are, Kerass.” His father then said that that was his best attribute. It was the thing that made him unique.
“You know what, I could care less about what you say because there is so much more to me than just being the sports star,” he said storming out of the room.
His father let out an aggravated scream that echoed off of the walls of the hallway. Kerass turned around screaming back, “WHAT!” What he saw caused the color to drain out of his face. His father lay on the floor. He ran over and checked his pulse. He couldn’t find one. He instantly pulled out his cell phone and dialed 911.
“Hello, my, my father,” he paused, his mind racing trying to figure out how to speak, “I think he’s suffered from a heart attack. He’s not breathing.”
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