It was the early hours of the morning and Jay couldn’t get any sleep at all. His mind was racing thinking about Kerass. He knew what he was thinking was wrong. He knew he shouldn’t think of his best friend in this way, but he couldn’t help himself. There was something about Kerass that had always appealed to Jay. At first he thought it was just his brutal honesty. Kerass wanted someone who just saw him for him, not the things he did for sports. That was obvious to Jay, but he recognized what attracted him to Kerass the most was his body. Part of him felt awful. Even though he had two allies so far in his coming out process, the one who he desired the most to be on his side was Kerass. Little did he know that the more turned off Kerass was by it the more deeply it turned him on.
He turned over on his side closing his eyes attempting to go to sleep…it didn’t work. He reached out and grabbed his phone. Turning it on, he went straight to the pictures. It was the last picture he had taken. That way there was easy access to it. He pulled it up making it full frame. The picture was no longer enough. He knew he had to do something else to stimulate himself. If only he could find a boyfriend then he could actually release and be in perfect harmony, but that was an impossibility if he remained in the closet.
His next thought was to check and see if he could get into a gay bar. At least there he would feel comfortable and accepted, but he was underage. There was no way he would be able to get in. This just devastated him. He started to feel alone. His mind went straight to the worst-case scenario: he would never be accepted and he would never find love. He began to retreat inside himself again. Perhaps Damien was right all along. He shouldn’t have been so bold, so quick to offer up that information. He hated himself for desiring acceptance so much. He should be stronger than this. Feeling tears forming, he fought them back swallowing his spit. He wasn’t going to be overcome with emotions, not this time.
There was a knock on his door. What could his father possibly want at 2:30 in the morning? He opened the door, instantly yawning attempting to fake sleep. “What is it Dad?” he asked.
“Jay, Kerass’ father had a heart attack. He’s in the emergency room. I could take you-” he said, but Jay tuned out the rest. He was fully dressed within a minute. He had to be there for his friend.
“Let’s go,” he said walking past his father racing out the door.
Kerass sat in silence. He contemplated going to see his mother again, but thought better of it. He didn’t know what to do. Time seemed to be at a stand still. Every time he looked back over at a clock, only 3 minutes had passed. He had yet to hear from any doctors either, but in a way it comforted him. No news was better than bad news.
The second hand ticking was the only sound heard in the waiting room. He began to focus on the sound as it continued hammering on and on driving him insane. He couldn’t stand it anymore. The next thing he knew, Cadence was walking over toward him. He hadn’t called Cadence. The utter shock he felt left him speechless as she sat down next to him instantly hugging him. He didn’t reciprocate the act. He just sat the way he did, not even looking into her eyes remaining emotionally distant, stagnant.
“Jay called on his way over,” she said.
Kerass asked why she had beat Jay if he had called on the way. She responded that Jay was waiting outside, unsure if he should come inside or not. “I guess you and I should talk first,” he said, his voice hoarse.
“I know you’re scared, but-” she whispered in his ear, but he cut her off claiming that he wasn’t scared at all. She asked him what he meant by that.
“I’m not scared,” he paused sighing. “I feel-” he began, but decided against it. He didn’t want Cadence to truly know how he felt. He wanted to talk with Jay about this, but she had been the one to walk inside the building. Kerass contemplated in his mind whether or not he should continue talking with her. “I need to talk with Jay,” he finally said.
“Ok, I’ll go and grab him,” she said empathetically and then walked towards the door.
“I think you should leave,” he said right as she stood at the door. His comment made her pause. He couldn’t tell what she was thinking, but he didn’t care. The only person he was focused on was himself and the only person he wanted to talk to was Jay.
Jay stood outside the door leaning against a pole. He was itching to know how Kerass’ father was doing, but the feeling of betrayal beat out his curiosity. Before his mind escaped him into deeper regret, Kerass walked over to him.
“I really wish you’d come inside,” Kerass said with a smile on his face. That seemed a bit sadistic. How could he possibly be smiling at a time like this? It infuriated Jay to see Kerass so calm about the situation.
“Yeah, well, I’d rather stay out here,” Jay said remaining in his stance. Kerass laughed at his response. Jay couldn’t hold it in anymore. He had to ask. “How can you be laughing at a time like this?”
Kerass asked a time like what to which Jay responded not knowing the condition of his father. “It is what it is, bud. I mean I can’t change that."
Jay knew he was bluffing. “This is so typical of you,” he said anticipation quivering from his voice. “You always hide your emotions because you’re too afraid of what people will think of you.”
Kerass responded that he wasn’t afraid. Jay cursed in response telling him that he was lying to himself. “I just want the truth for once. Come on, Kerass, if you can trust anyone it’d be me, right?”
Kerass replied that the truth was he didn’t want Jay to cuss in front of him again. “As far as who I could trust, it would have been Cadence, but that’s over with now.”
“Stop hiding!” Jay yelled at him not realizing his voice came across so strongly. “Just tell me how you feel,” he said lowering his voice to a whisper.
“Nothing,” he said with an exaggerated sigh. “I feel nothing.” Jay responded that that was ok to which Kerass replied that it was not. It was the farthest thing from ok. “I don’t even know if I care if my father lives or dies. How sick is that?”
Jay remained silent. This was Kerass’ time to vent. No judgment would be given here. “You know,” Kerass continued, “there’s a part of me that even wishes that he’ll just pass on,” he said beginning to pace back and forth, back and forth. He didn’t even make eye contact as he continued talking. “I know it’s so wrong of me, but if I had to choose between one of my parents to be with me, to wake up from this nightmare, I would choose my mother every time,” he said, his breathing becoming heavier. Jay could tell that his eyes were glistening. He had never seen Kerass like this, so vulnerable. It made him feel uncomfortable. “He’s dead to me already. I just want the pain to go away. I want the pain to stop,” Kerass said as he started breaking down uncontrollably crying. Jay didn’t dare walk over to comfort him. He felt uncomfortable and ultimately didn’t trust himself in that situation.
“Kerass Coscarelli?” a voice called out the door. One of the doctors had finally stepped out. Kerass immediately turned off the tears and stepped into the building. You couldn’t even tell that he had been crying just a second ago completely amazing Jay at how quickly he could turn it off.
Cadence stepped out of the shadows then.
Jay asked, “How much did you hear?”
“All of it,” she replied, her voice bitter. “I should go,” she said turning around walking straight to her car. Before he knew it, she had driven out of the parking lot.
The doctors were explaining a bunch of gibberish, none of which Kerass understood. Kerass cut them off saying, “Cut to the chase, doc.”
“He suffered from a heart attack, but he’s stable now,” the doctor said. He continued saying that for a moment his heart had fully stopped. They had to perform CPR. “But we got him back,” the doctor said with a smile on his face. He continued saying he left the best news for last. “He’s awake now.”
“I want to see him,” he said without a beat. He couldn’t recall a single thing the doctor said past that moment. He didn’t even remember how he got to the specific room his father was recovering in. All he could remember was seeing his father lay in that bed helpless. It broke his heart. He started to regret all the things he had thought and said outside. He wasn’t dead to him, he was just more distant than he desired. He was certainly emotionally distant, but seeing him like this, so weak and susceptible, none of it mattered anymore.
“Hi,” he said quieter than he had ever said anything before in his life. He reached out his hand. His father reciprocated the act. They sat in silence neither one daring to disturb this moment of intimacy.
Her mother woke her up. This was the first time since the fifth grade that her mother had to wake her up for the school day. Something just seemed off. Knowing now definitively she was back at square-one, the reality of high school just depressed her even more.
Walking down the stairs she saw that there was an extra bounce in her mothers’ steps. She didn’t want to be cheered up though. She wanted to remain miserable. Maybe she would put up a facebook status talking about how depressed she was. At least then she would know that people actually cared about her. Her mother locking eyes with her, she knew her mother was going to volunteer the information she withheld whether she liked it or not.
“Seeing as how Damien was expelled from Our Savior Lutheran, you have been reaccepted!” her mother said beaming. “Now you can get what you always wanted. You’re going back to Our Savior!” her mother shouted.
Her mother’s attempt to cheer her up had completely backfired. Now she felt more depressed than ever.
“What?”
No comments:
Post a Comment