Walking out of the classroom, having taken his last final of the semester, Kerass uttered a sigh of relief. There was something so calming about finals week. No other week was so relaxed on the schedule. He had done all of the prep work throughout the semester, so now he could just lay back and relax before he took the test. He only had to do finals week two more times before he would officially be done with college.
Truly when he began college, he had no thought that he’d actually make it to his senior year. So much had changed since high school. College shook up a lot of things for him. For one thing, he was no longer a virgin, a fact that he was quite ashamed of after he had come back to faith in God.
It always floored him just how fast the night changes. He felt proud of it at the time, but that was a different Kerass, one who was lost, one who he didn’t want to go back to. Yet he couldn’t help but think on how hopeless he had become. Honestly nothing in life excited him and he knew how fleeting life was.
His mother, who had been taken away from him, how could he ever get to that place of forgiveness to let it go?
“Kerass?” Kathleen asked, lightly touching him on the shoulder.
He really didn’t want to be bothered by Kathleen right now. Sure, she meant well, but he just couldn’t deal with her hopefulness for tomorrow bullshit. He just couldn’t see how anything good would ever come his way again.
“I see it in your eyes,” she sighed, “your pain. Please share what’s going on.”
“Why should I?” he spat back. Continuing he said there was nothing to share.
“You think I actually believe that?” she challenged him. Grabbing his hand, she said, “Listen, I know you, Kerass. I’ve prayed with you on multiple occasions. Don’t pretend like you can hide from me now.”
Exhaling, he contemplated whether it was even worth the energy to fight back on the truth. What he knew he needed to say would cause tears to come from his eyes. “I don’t know if I can say it,” he said his eyes glistening.
“There’s nothing you have to hide from your sister in the faith. There’s no shame in crying,” she assured him.
The tears started to flow out of his eyes as he choked on his breath. “I, uh,” he choked the words out in between sobs.
Kathleen leaned forward and hugged him, grabbing him so hard as the tears flowed from his eyes. He tried so hard to speak, but just couldn’t as more and more tears poured out from him.
When he was finally able to compose himself, he wiped the tears from his eyes, broke away from the hug, and began to speak. “My father invited me to go to church with him.”
“Ok,” Kathleen paused. “I’m not seeing why that’s such a bad thing?”
“That’s the church where my mother’s funeral was. I swore to myself that I would never step inside that church or any other church again as I walked out before the funeral ended.”
“Well, I’m glad that’s changed, otherwise we never would’ve met.”
“I just don’t think I can do it. I can’t go back there. Too many memories with her that were tarnished after what he did. See if I stay away from there, I keep those pure, beautiful memories of her alive as opposed to the coma and the aftermath.”
“Oh, Kerass,” she said caressing his face. “That’s so sweet and gentle of you.”
He nodded. He had been so selfish over the past several years that he hadn’t even focused on her or any memories from prior to the coma. It was in that moment that he realized he had to go back home, to look through old albums of pictures of her, to preserve her memory forever in his mind.
Clearing her throat, Kathleen said, “May I say something that I don’t think you’ll want to hear?”
“Go ahead. Not much more can hurt me now.”
“You need to go. I don’t know why, but I feel strongly that the Lord is urging me to tell you that you have to go to service with your father at his church.”
“Well…” he dragged the word out. Covering his mouth, he shook his head. “I won’t promise you anything.”
“But you’ll keep me informed,” she said locking eyes with him.
“It’s not like I have a choice, do I?”
Jay held his hand out preventing Gus from leaning forward to kiss him.
“Hold your horses, Gus,” Jay sighed. He added that they weren’t supposed to rush into anything.
“I’m not trying to rush anything, but I do want to show affection towards you.”
“Why?” he asked bluntly.
“I, uh, I don’t…I’m not understanding your question.”
“Don’t start anything up with me unless you’ve ended things with Damien first.”
“You know it’s over between him and I. Why do I have to make things definitive for him?”
“Because I refuse to abuse him the way that he abused me. End it or there is no us. I don’t even know what you see in me anyway.”
“Stop beating yourself up, Jay,” Gus said gently, but stern. “You are the most open person I’ve ever met. You don’t judge anyone for who they are. See you…you accept them at face value, no questions asked. If only you saw what I can see you’d know how truly stand up of a guy you truly are.”
“Gil and Francis don’t think so.”
“Oh but they did. That’s why they chose you, isn’t it?”
Jay nodded. The man was scoring major points with him already.
“Now, do I get a kiss for making you feel better?”
“No!” Jay snapped at him. “This isn’t about earning anything. It’s about intimacy and relationship. I want nothing to do with earning kisses or sex or anything like that ever again. I only want things to happen naturally and whatever happens, well just let it happen.”
“Ok, but is it ok if I want to kiss you?”
Jay smiled. “Of course,” he said as he leaned over to him and kissed him on the lips.
Damien opened the door to his apartment, a towel around his waist.
“I’m coming!” he called out as there was a continually pounding on the door. “I just got out of the shower, my god,” he said aside.
Opening the door, he dropped his towel and quickly picked it up out of embarrassment.
“What, uh, what are you doing here?” he asked.
“Hello, Damien. Miss me?” Jay asked raising one eyebrow at him.
“You can’t be here. I’m with Gus now and you know that.”
“I’d beg to differ,” Jay taunted him. “You might as well just drop the towel, it’s not like I haven’t caught you in a compromising situation before.”
“Why are you doing this? What’s the point, Jay, or are you as cruel as they always said you were?”
“Don’t talk to me about cruel you low for nothing cheater,” Jay spat lowering his voice into a deathly growl. “No, what happens to the cheater, hm? Well, naturally he gets cheated on too.”
“Drop the act. I don’t want to sleep with you.”
“I’m not talking about me, you dipshit.”
Damien glared at Jay as he sniggered to himself. Tossing the towel away, he screamed, “All right! Is this what you wanted? To expose me, critique my body or my size. Go right ahead. Nothing you say can hurt me now.”
“This has nothing to do with you,” Gus assured him, adding that he wouldn’t dare critique his physique. “No, not at all. I’m talking about Gus.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“Gus doesn’t want anything to do with you anymore.”
“No, that’s not true. He’s innocent. He’s pure!” Damien yelled out.
“Until you got your filthy hands all over him, corrupting him to be the perfect, sex buddy. He’s not your boyfriend. He never was. You manipulated him into what you fantasized about and now you don’t have him and you don’t have someone who, for a time, genuinely did love you. You have nothing. You’re better off to us dead,” Jay said walking out the door.
Damien screamed out in anguish.
“Oh, and do enjoy the rest of your life, if you can,” Jay sneered at him.
Cadence rolled over in bed perspiring all over. She had another nightmare. The same terrifying dream where she rotted not only for the rest of her life on earth in jail, but for eternity in hell behind bars. Every time she tried to break out her hands would be burned to the bone, clinging, trying to break free of the bars of hell. The white-hot iron would glow a bright white blue searing off her flesh as she shrieked out in pain. She would always wake up in a gasp.
“Jael?” she called aloud softly. “Jael?”
All Jael did was turn over. Cadence sighed giving up. She muttered to herself that she didn’t want to disturb her. “I’m just scared, is all.”
She started crying as she silently called out to God. Begging, she asked for some protection against these terrible, undeniably real nightmares she’d been having. Praying earnestly, like Julia had taught her to do, she asked God to please protect her, to direct her, to save her.
“God please,” she pleaded whispering. “Save me. Save me, God.”
Looking at the giant wooden door with the brass handle, Kerass stared at the church. Stained-glass windows above him displayed a beautiful, fully-risen savior ascending to heaven. The words below him sprawled across in a semi-circle: until He returns…
He never really appreciated the sheer majesty and beuty of the church before, but he could now. Every cell in his body feared stepping into that building. If the night changes into day then maybe he could get over his fear of the darkness and stare at the light. There must be light in this church if the building was still standing, right?
Perhaps it wasn’t true. Not every religion could be fully true, right? They all contradicted each other in some form or fashion. Not every Christian church would preach the gospel of Jesus Christ either, but he didn’t want to overthink it right now. He knew he’d made the right decision, now he just had to follow through with it.
Grabbing the brass handle, he opened up the door stepping inside, inhaling. Looking around, the space was empty. He must be early. Perhaps they changed the service times or something. His father dressed in a full suit walked over to him embracing him. Kerass, although he felt weak for doing so, gave in and patted his father on the back.
“Welcome back, my boy.”
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