As the spring semester was rapidly coming to a close, Kerass walked around campus. It hit him quite hard knowing that his time here at Evergreen Forest University was rapidly coming to a close. Only one final year before he finally had a degree in his hands.
Looking back on it, he knew it had been the right call to allow his father to help pay for these years. There was no way that he would’ve been able to pay for them himself, regardless of how many jobs he would’ve done. To have the freedom to just bask in the beauty of the campus before him was a true gift he hadn’t expected after so much tragedy had fallen on him in the past few years.
Exhaling, he tried to not think about all the stress of finals which were directly around the corner. Spring vacation was fine enough, but he couldn’t bring himself to say the words. To forgive his father was the hardest thing he’d ever been asked to do. But he wouldn’t think on it now. It was way too overwhelming. He’d think on it tomorrow.
Erasing it from his mind, he thought on Jeremy. They had continued to hang out, but Jeremy was still too embarrassed to be on medication to go to church with him and Kathleen. There was something so terribly tragic about the American church and where it was at. It was a place that he felt loved and embraced, but it was also obvious it was a place filled with judgment, despair, and abandonment. Upon trying multiple times to speak with the pastor, he had been brushed aside as he was only in college and wasn’t married with children so there was no possible way he could ever comprehend what he was going through. The amount of stress he was under was, at least in his pastor’s mind, so much greater than anything Kerass had gone through. It made him so sick he wanted to leave the church right away, but Kathleen was able to talk him out of it, calm him down enough to think more logically. Since his pastor hadn’t spoken to him, he had no idea just how much stress he had undergone in his life. He couldn’t say that his pastor would shame Jeremy for being on medication, but he also couldn’t say that he’d welcome him in or want him as a part of the church either.
Why did church and God have to be so complicated? He longed for the simplicity of the days when he just wanted to be Cadence’s girlfriend, but that was a long time ago. He didn’t want to be in a romantic relationship with her anymore, but he just missed how simple things were back then.
The heart attack…how could he have forgotten? During his freshmen year of high school, his father, during an intense argument, had a heart attack. He stabilized quickly, but back then it was scary. The threat of losing both of his parents that night was so real that he just panicked. If his father had died from the heart attack that night, his mother may still be alive. It was such an awful and hateful thought, but it was a reality that he had to face. Was it even possible to forgive someone of so heinous an act? Did anyone who committed murder, whether first degree or not, ever deserve forgiveness?
“Hey, stranger,” Kathleen said sitting beside him on the stone bench.
During his walk, he hadn’t even realized that he was drawn towards the alumni gardens. It was one of the few peaceful places on campus. One of the only places he could think, process through whatever was going on in his life.
“Why weren’t you at service this morning?” she asked him.
“I think you know why.”
“Still pissed at our pastor, huh?”
Kerass nodded adding if you could call him that.
“That’s a little harsh, Kerass. Where’s your compassion, your forgiveness?”
“Where’s his?”
“That doesn’t exactly answer my question, now does it?”
Kerass shook his head. He loved talking with Kathleen, but he didn’t want to talk with her right now.
“Wishing for the world to be anything more just, more empathetic than it is, well, it’s nothing more than fool’s gold.”
Kerass closed his eyes. There was no doubt it was true, but he just couldn’t deal with it. Nothing against her, he truly loved being with her, but this was meant to be time alone with his thoughts, just him and God, but was he truly welcoming God into that process?
“Listen, dear friend,” Kathleen began, inhaling, taking a deep breath. “You are one of the most kindhearted, forgiving people I know. Your compassion and empathy aren’t a weakness as you so often see it. It is a gift from above. Never forget that. I know you’re struggling to comprehend forgiving others right now, but I know your heart, or at least I think I know you do. You will forgive them, but your stubbornness and unwillingness to listen to God on this is preventing you from moving forward. You’ve been spinning your tires in the dirt, in the mud for far too long. You don’t exactly need to be friends with them, but forgiving them is a must.”
“Can you not now?” Kerass begged her to stop. Hearing so many nice things about him was embarrassing. It was easy to encourage others, but to receive it from others, well it was so fleeting that he just didn’t believe it. Very few people if any validated him. How was he supposed to believe them now when they just complained about the way that he was? His sensitive soul couldn’t bear to hear it when he knew just around the corner, they’d complain about something else. He wanted to listen to her, he truly did, but he just couldn’t bring himself to listen to it right now. He’d think on it tomorrow. Erasing it from his mind, he asked, “Can we pray now?”
“Ok,” she whispered in reply.
“God,” he began. He prayed over the campus that light would spread like wildfire. Asking that God would open people’s eyes to his wonder, beauty, and amazement, he earnestly prayed that the Lord would take the campus. He prayed for the church and their ministry. He even found it in himself, or was it the spirit, he couldn’t tell, to pray for his pastor. It was effortless. Listening to Kathleen pray had only made him want to pray the way she did. It was easy enough when he lowered his guard down and just spoke what was on his heart out to God. He prayed for everything he could think about except himself.
“Beautiful,” Kathleen commended him. “Only one thing was missing.”
“What’s that?”
“Will you let me pray for you?” she asked.
Scratching behind his right ear, exhaling, he nodded. “Please do.”
Cadence waited to hear back from Julia. She was supposed to talk to the chaplain. It wasn’t the most exciting thing that ever happened in her life. Yet sitting and talking with Jael more and more, she knew that if she wanted to defend the Bible, specifically Jael for what she did, or any of the other women in the Bible, she actually had to read the stories, not just hear them secondhand from Julia.
She had been so excited that Cadence wanted a copy herself, she tried to hand over her own copy, but was told she wasn’t allowed too. This was both disappointing and incredibly funny to Cadence. The Chaplain was allowed to give one, but not Julia.
Unfortunately, she had to wait to get a copy in her hands. Trying to understand the Bible, hell, even getting one whilst in prison, nothing was easy about that whole process. Truly the last time she had intentionally read the Bible was during her inpatient psychiatric stay. She swore then that she’d never read it again, but well, things change. If the only person who was willing to meet her was someone who believed so strongly that the words of this book were willing to devote your entire life to, maybe even die for, then maybe there was something to it after all.
Julia had been a bitch back in high school, but that was years ago. With great reluctance, she’d admitted to Cadence that she’d spent the majority of a year looking after Lyra as she was at the end of her life. Julia had sacrificed a lot to reach out and service others. It was something Cadence had attempted to do with the peer support group back in high school, but to no avail.
The chaplain smiled at her as he quietly handed the book to her. He then asked her if she’d join them for service one of these weeks.
“I’ll think about it,” she promised him. She added that she really would.
“Julia’s told me that you’re interested in the women of the Bible.”
Cadence nodded.
“Might I make a suggestion, then?”
“Sure,” she breathed.
“Read one of the gospels and see how Jesus treated and valued women. I think it’ll be quite different than what you’ve been told.”
“I’ll take that into consideration,” she assured him.
Before she knew it, he was gone. She opened up the book to Judges. Yes, she knew she should read about Jesus considering he was the whole basis of the Christian faith, but it just didn’t interest her.
Jay lay on his back, a blanket spread across the green quad. It had been a while since he had seen the beauty in nature. Snow was quite torturous in the wintertime, in spite of how beautiful that one dream was.
He hadn’t heard a thing. Not since he’d left Gus a voicemail and that was a couple weeks ago. Now he was not only devoid of intimacy with men, but of sex too. Gil and Francis would just ignore him as they walked across campus hand in hand. He’d heard they already had another sex buddy moved in. It was the only proof he needed to confirm he’d made the right decision, but now he felt lonely. He closed his eyes refusing to let his loneliness ruin the beauty of this day.
Someone lay down beside him on the blanket. Whoever it was was creepy as hell. Opening his eyes he saw Gus laid out on his side, his head propped up by his hand.
This couldn’t be real. It was all just another dream, and a very convenient dream at that. How could he be here? Where was Damien? Weren’t they inseparable? It didn’t make any sense, and yet here he was laying beside him.
“Can we start over?” Gus asked. “I mean, as long as we take things slow.”
Jay daren’t answer.
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