Saying a quick prayer, Julia opened up her eyes before she picked up the receiver. She didn’t know why God had told her to do this, but every Wednesday morning she went to visit Cadence.
At first she thought it was to share her story about how God had grabbed her heart after taking care of Lyra, but that wasn’t meant to be. Understandably Cadence didn’t want to talk about Julia at all. It didn’t make it any less challenging, but there they were again after months and she felt like this was all fruitless. She never exactly loved Cadence, hell, she didn’t even like her in high school all that much, but she had just been through so much. How could she not continue to visit and ask questions?
Her fellow officers didn’t understand why she would visit with a prisoner on her day off. They didn’t understand a lot of things, but that was ok. She wanted to help others and believed so firmly in justice that it seemed like the perfect fit. It didn’t take long for her to recognize that not every officer was worthy of respect. Admittedly, she didn’t always deserve respect with how she handled situations either.
She had no idea what this conversation was going to be about, but she had a fair guess. Cadence deflected responsibility. After she had turned herself in, things had changed. When Julia decided to transfer departments, she had no expectations that she’d see Cadence’s arrest on the drive back into town. Oak Stream had always been home, but it was different returning as an actual believer. She had said she was a Christian in high school, but didn’t really practice her beliefs. With Lyra everything had changed and she was eternally thankful to her for those months they spent together.
Looking across the glass, she saw that Cadence was drumming her fingers on the table. She hadn’t picked up the receiver yet. Julia didn’t see a need to visit her across the glass. She trusted Cadence enough to know she wouldn’t attack her, but seeing as she was off-duty, she knew she had to follow the proper procedures.
Finally with a sigh, Cadence picked up the receiver. “Hello again, Julia.”
“Hello, Cadence.”
There was a pause. Julia typically led the conversations, but opted instead to just sit and wait it out. She was tired of talking about nothing. Nope, it was Cadence’s turn to act.
She looked at her with a puzzled look raising one eyebrow at her. Julia stood her ground and waited. Within seconds, Cadence responded asking her why she wasn’t saying anything.
“It all depends on you. I’m not going to lead any more of these times together. You can discuss whatever you’d like.”
“Oh, come on, Julia. That’s such a crock and you know it.”
She was used to some push back from her. There was no reason to fight back. Antagonizing others was just a form of refracting blame off of others.
“Why do you keep doing this to me?” Cadence asked. “I didn’t do anything to you.”
“I’m not quite sure what you mean,” Julia said.
“Why do you keep having to humiliate me?” Cadence gasped as tears quickly flowed down her face. Angrier than Julia had ever seen her, Cadence yelled into the receiver, “I am not one to be pitied! I have to live with what I’ve done. One calculated decision that I made has completely demolished my life and here you come every single week shoving your holier than thou religious shit down my throat. How can you honestly look at me and not think that you’re better than me?”
Julia closed her eyes. Attempting to answer that question was impossible. Begging the Lord to speak through her, she opened her mouth and replied, “I don’t think I’m better than you. I don’t think you’re a waste of space. I don’t visit you to try and make you feel worse about yourself. But, if by chance, visiting you helps you to focus on what you’ve done, then that is the first step to moving on with your life. Taking ownership of your actions is the first step for the rest of your life.”
Cadence locked eyes with her. She wasn’t going to back down. Julia kept looking into her eyes. Cadence diverted eye contact. “You said something,” she paused wiping snot away on her hand, “something when we first met. You talked about, well, you know, ‘God’ (she added in air quotes). You said that God loved his children and all that generic shit.”
Julia nodded. It was encouraging to hear her be so open for once.
“Yeah, well, I want to believe it. Honestly, I do, but I don’t understand how a God who’s supposed to be perfect love and a perfect judge can love someone, well, a murderer like me. The truth is, there just doesn’t seem to be any place for God in a life like mine.”
Julia smiled. This was an opportunity she was waiting for. “Where to begin?”
Damien cleared his throat before he answered the phone. Gus typically called him on walks in between classes on campus. Even though he had no intentions to do so, he had memorized Gus’s class schedule.
He hated to admit to himself, but there were times that he intentionally ignored Gus’s phone calls. Unfortunately for him, Gus would always leave a voicemail. There was just something so uncomfortable between them. Yes, Gus slept with him more than once and yes he found it thrilling and beautiful, but there was something very creepy about it, about how they fell for each other. He couldn’t stop thinking about how he had manipulated the whole situation. It wasn’t exactly Stockholm Syndrome, but it was still creepy in a stalkerish way in how attached Gus had become. Yet, there was something very sad, tragic about Gus. He did feel sorry for him…sometimes. This was one of those rare occasions that he opted to pick up.
“Damien?” Gus answered bewildered.
“Yeah, it’s me,” he replied. “Obviously.”
“I’m sorry,” Gus began. He added that he was just flustered. “I’m not used to you actually picking up.”
“Well let’s just say that today’s your lucky day then.”
“I, uh, I just realized I had never really thanked you for coming with me to visit Uncle Jake with me.”
“You already did that by fucking me.”
“Oh my god, Damien!” Gus whispered, his voice clearly stunned. “Could you be any less subtle?”
“What’s the point, Gus? It’s only you and I on the phone.”
“Well, can we do something romantic together?”
“You don’t think fucking is romantic?”
“It can be,” Gus defended himself. “Making love can be beautiful and thrilling, but I want to connect on more than just a physical level. Let’s have dinner, just the two of us. Candlelight, roses, all the typical clichés. Then we could go back to a fireplace and spend some more time talking and maybe even get physical if you wanted.”
“No, Gus,” Damien shot him down.
“What?”
“I don’t want to do that.”
“Why not?”
“It’s simple, really. It’s embarrassing to go out with someone who’s still closeted to his closest friends, his mother, god even to yourself at times.”
“I’m dating you. That doesn’t mean that I’m gay.”
“You’ve only ever slept with a man, Gus.”
“Yeah, well, maybe I’m bisexual.”
“Bullshit. That doesn’t even exist especially considering you never made love to Cadence. Hell, even I slept with Cadence.”
“Why are you willing to say that you slept with Cadence, but fucked me?” Gus asked.
“Because I’m embarrassed to be with you. You have got to come out. It’s not like you’re trying to be subtle or try to hide it, so why don’t you just get it over with.”
“I don’t believe in labels, Damien. You know that.”
“This isn’t a label, it’s an identity. It’s who you are. Why are you so afraid of that? God, at least Jay was out and I didn’t have to worry about all of this bullshit.”
“My coming out is bullshit to you, huh?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Yes, you did. I’m nothing like Jay.”
The dial tone echoed in his ear. He didn’t regret a single thing he had said. Turning their relationship romantic was an impossible task if he wasn’t willing to admit to others that he was definitively gay.
Jay walked over to Francis and Gil who were clearly on a date in the student center.
“What’s going on? Why wasn’t I invited?” Jay asked solemnly.
Gil’s eyes widened. “Jay!” he exclaimed delighted. “We, uh, we…”
“We didn’t expect to see you here,” Francis completed the question.
“Don’t you have class at this hour?” Gil asked.
“It got canceled, so I went here to get a bite to eat and here I find you two.”
“Look, Jay,” Gil began. He continued saying he needed to explain something. “We love that you want to be in this polyamorous relationship with us, we really do, but we just don’t want to be public about it.”
“Yeah, that’s right,” Francis chimed in. “We have no problem showing you love, attention, or physical affection at the house, but in public…”
“People really aren’t on board yet with the whole multiple partners thing. We’re already gay.”
“So, you don’t want to rock the boat too much,” Jay observed.
“Exactly,” Gil smiled at him.
“Well, can we go on individual dates at other times?”
Francis shook his head. “Jay, we love you, but no one must know that we’re also seeing you until we’re ready to come out about it.”
“How is this fair to me?”
“It’s not exactly,” Gil admitted. “How about this? Tomorrow night at the house we’ll make dinner for you and then you can get as physical as you want or don’t with both of us.”
That did seem enticing. He felt used though, like nothing more than a piece of flesh to sleep with. He didn’t want to focus on that though. He just wanted to get it over with since that’s exactly what Damien had done.
Exhaling, Jay responded, “All right, I’m in.”
Kerass walked with Kathleen across campus. She never stopped praying from the moment she stepped on campus to the moment she left. She was constantly lifting up prayers and praises to God. How? How did she do it?
“I’m really glad you joined me on this prayer walk again,” Kathleen said patting his back. “You know, you could say something too.”
“I don’t know why,” Kerass replied. He stated it seemed like a waste to take away from her time. “I like hearing you pray.”
“It’s not a waste, Kerass. Are you bold enough to pray before our Lord?” she asked.
“I don’t really know how.”
“What do you mean?” she gently asked.
“I mean, I know some really basic kids’ prayers and stuff, but nothing of any meaning or substance other than a child’s memory.”
“I see,” she said. “That was me as well for a time.”
“I doubt that.”
“No, it’s true!” she added smiling. “I sucked at prayer until I started practicing it. See prayer is like a spiritual muscle. You have to use it, stretch it in order for it to grow.”
“Ok…” Kerass said. It didn’t really make much sense to him. He never thought of prayer like working out. He didn’t think when he had worked out. It prevented him from focusing and prayer seemed to be something you needed clear focus and direction on.
“I’m not making much sense to you, am I?” she observed.
“Will you do me a favor?” he asked ignoring her observation.
“Depends on what it is.”
“Will you teach me how to pray?”
“Wow,” she exhaled. “I’d be honored.”
Jeremy pulled out his cell phone. Staring at the ceiling was driving him up the wall. He dialed the number. Kerass picked up instantly.
“Jeremy?” Kerass observed. He added that he was happy to see him call.
“Can we talk, Kerass?”
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