Dear Jordan,
Merry Christmas! Forgive me for the amount of time it’s taken me to write back to you. To be honest I was terrified when you told me that I was the closest thing to community that you had. I just couldn’t handle that amount of pressure so I ran away from it. I know it was wrong to do so. I can only hope that you’ll forgive me and I know that you will.
Things have been a little tense on my end, too. I got distracted in the midst of running away from you. You may not remember him, but Jeremy is a guy I knew in high school and he goes to our college. He connects with me on the self-doubt stuff to a greater degree than I’ve ever seen. He’s a cutter, too. Don’t worry, he’s assured me I can discuss that fact as I’m processing with trusted friends about my struggles with it. He trusts me with sharing it. Anyway, I haven’t heard from Jeremy in months, even though I called to reach out, and out of the blue he ends up calling me telling me he wants to meet up. To be honest, I have no idea what it’s about and I’m more than a little bit nervous. I just hope he’s ok. I’ll have to update you the next time I write.
Other than that, there’s little else to tell you about. Well, there is one thing, actually. I met this girl. No, it’s nothing like that! Get your mind out of the gutter, Jordan. She’s nothing like I’ve ever met before. We’ve started praying around campus and early before Droplet meetings and even before the church service. She reminds me a lot of what Lyra would have been like had she lived longer. I’m not convinced that God is giving me a second chance at love with Kathleen, but maybe, just maybe through a platonic friendship I can experience the intimacy I’ve only ever felt from her.
Enough about me though. Tell me about you! I do hope that you’ve found someone to connect with in the faith again. I pray that you don’t hide Him from anyone. Also, to answer your question, I don’t believe God is punishing you. I asked Kathleen about this. She told me God doesn’t punish His children and I want to believe her. You are experiencing doubt and there’s no shame in that. I’ve had plenty of years of experience with doubt myself. I just don’t want you to feel alone anymore. It certainly hasn’t done my life or any or my relationships any good by distancing myself. I know it hurt you when I didn’t write back to you, for instance.
Please pray for me, dearest brother. I’m not any good at prayer, but know that I am doing my best to pray for you. I do ask that you intercede for me in prayer. For the first time in years I’m going to spend the holidays with my father and trust me, I need all the prayer I can get.
Kerass
He quickly signed at the bottom and folded up the letter refusing to reread it out of fear that he may cry. Dreading it with all his might, he knew he had to finish things before he went home to visit his father. This was the first Christmas since his mom had passed away where he professed faith in God, in Jesus.
Mom would’ve wanted them to spend it together. He would do it to honor her and her memory, not for him. It also was an excuse to visit their graves again. He was floored when he realized how long it had been since he visited them. Hopefully, the holiday would bring about some semblance of finality and peace, but he knew deep down that he would never forgive his father for what he did to his mother. He struggled enough with forgiving God for taking Lyra away from him. His mind was made though. There was no turning back. If only his mother would visit him in a dream once more, but then again, he was told they didn’t exist and were just in his head. He knew he had to move forward, but honestly he didn’t know how to do that.
Taking a deep breath, he folded the letter in his hand quickly stuffing it in an envelope. He could only hope now that Jordan would receive it by Christmas day.
Jay sat on a bench on campus. It was beyond freezing, but he just couldn’t stay in there with the two of them. They were so clearly in love, a sick, twisted kind of love, but true love nonetheless…well, maybe? He didn’t know what true love was anymore and doubted he ever did.
Gil and Francis weren’t in love with him, they were in love with his body. There was just something so wrong about that, but he couldn’t keep away from them despite how lowly it made him feel. Hot was never in his vocabulary when he thought about himself. They made him feel so enticing, so desirable that he kept drawing himself back to them. Yet when he saw them on campus, now that he agreed to be with them, they simply ignored him when they would pass by, arms around each other, holding hands, everything he wanted to feel intimate and safe.
It was terrible to admit to himself, but he had made a huge mistake. He wasn’t willing to say that all polyamorous relationships were devoid of true love and romance, but this one definitely was. Gil and Francis seemed nothing more than wolves in sheep’s clothing.
They promised him a big Christmas present, but admittedly he wasn’t thrilled by the proposition. They had forgotten his birthday. Everyone had, including his father, who ended up calling him a day after the fact. It was fine, but it only added to the fact that he felt so alone.
It was nothing like it was with Damien. Sure it was more physical, well, not yet at least, but Damien, despite all his faults, felt and when he loved it was passionate, thrilling, and real. He was a cheating wolf too, for sure, but he hadn’t always been. He wasn’t convinced that was true of Gil and Francis. What he had now was nothing more than two sleeping buddies who were ashamed to be seen with him. Tears started forming in his eyes.
He couldn’t help himself, nor could he control it. He started sobbing on the bench. Why had he done it? Was it to hurt Damien? Like he even knew about this. Nobody knew outside of Kerass and even then he hadn’t exactly judged him on it. He clearly disapproved of it and in this circumstance and this one alone, Jay had to admit that Kerass was right.
As he wiped his eyes, that was when it happened. That was when they locked eyes with each other. Gus was looking at him. Jay was crying, although no longer sobbing. It was humiliating. This was the worst thing that could happen to him. Crying in front of him…he just couldn’t fathom what they would say to each other.
Yet, Gus didn’t laugh or glare. There was empathy in his eyes. He walked over to the bench. Jay’s heart starting pounding. Quickly drying his tears, he started to stand up, but Gus put his hand on his shoulder as he sat down. Giving in, he sat back down.
“You weren’t supposed to see this,” Jay said as he started to cry again.
“Why not?”
“What do you mean?” he asked choking on tears. He pointed out that he had cheated with his boyfriend. “Well, ex-boyfriend, I guess.”
“I know,” Gus nodded. “I know I did,” he added, his eyes glistening. “I had no idea I could hurt someone like me out of jealousy. I didn’t know I had that in me. I didn’t realize I had that type of power.”
“Jealous?” Jay asked floored. “What did you have to be jealous of?”
Jay looked into his eyes. Tears slowly fell down his face. He didn’t sob or make any noise at all. Several seconds passed. The biting wind chilled him to his bones, but he daren’t look away from Gus’s vulnerable face.
“You’re not afraid to be vulnerable. And, well, uh, you’re not afraid to be gay, to be yourself. You’ve never been afraid of your sexuality, at least not as long as I’ve known you. Despite what you may think I think you’ve held yourself together and celebrated who you are better than anyone I know.”
“I always thought you knew who you were.”
“Not at all. I can’t even say that I’m gay out loud. I wrote it in a letter, but even then, I could still see dating women again, but I don’t know if I want to sleep with them. The truth is I don’t know who I am anymore and I’m not sure if I ever did. I did a lot of hiding, listening to others, but rarely sharing and I can’t help but think that no one really knows who I am.”
Jay started laughing. It was extremely inappropriate, but it was so strange. “I’m sorry, Gus, but it’s just so awkward. I mean you’re the other man. How can we be talking like this?”
“Yeah, I guess I see what you’re saying,” Gus whispered.
Knowing he had crossed a boundary, Jay patted Gus on the shoulder. “I can’t tell you I forgive you, but I can tell you how happy I am that you were honest and vulnerable with me.”
“Can we talk again? Is there any way we could be friends again?”
Jay exhaled. That was something he didn’t know he could ever do.
Cadence gripped the telephone waiting to hear Julia reply.
“I had no idea you’d want to hear a Bible story today!” Julia said defensively.
Cadence rolled her eyes. She had asked for nothing else for weeks now. Julia had this brilliant idea of reading stories about strong women in the Bible. Granted, Cadence hadn’t let in that she was enjoying it, but why should that matter? Julia had been committed throughout it all.
“This was going to be my last time visiting for a while.”
“What?” Cadence asked flabbergasted.
“You haven’t spoken to me in weeks. You showed signs of vulnerability about a month and a half ago, but you just seemed terrified of reading the Bible. I honestly don’t know why I shoved it, but I just can’t handle your despising me anymore.”
Cadence begged her to reconsider. “I’m sorry that I pushed it away, but I was really looking forward to more stories about the women.”
“I have none with me and I don’t feel comfortable about quoting the Bible when I can’t read it verbatim.”
“It’s not verbatim, Julia. It’s a translation of a completely different language unless you can read that stuff. Please, I beg you to reconsider. This is the only thing I look forward to anymore.”
Julia exhaled. Awaiting her reply was excruciating. Cadence bit her tongue to ensure that she wouldn’t step over her answer.
“Ok,” Julia replied softly.
She had given in and that was the best thing Cadence had ever heard. “So, who are you going to tell me about today?”
“Well,” Julia shook her head. “I can’t believe I’m doing this. I’m going to tell you about a prostitute who was welcomed into the family of God.”
“Wow, how liberal. I thought Christianity looked down on that sorta thing.”
“Well, we do, but it doesn’t mean that people can never change. Her name was Rahab and she was one of the boldest women in the entire Bible and even ended up saving God’s people.”
“Please, tell me about her,” Cadence breathed ecstatically.
Knocking on the door, Kerass waited until Jeremy would answer. They had agreed to talk and they had, but it hadn’t really gone anywhere, but at least Jeremy was willing to spend time again. After a few weeks he agreed that he needed further help.
The door opened.
“You ready for this?” Kerass asked.
“As ready as I can be, I guess.”
“You have no idea how proud I am of you.”
Jeremy told him he shouldn’t be. “I feel weak because I have to use meds to feel something, to feel better.”
“You don’t know that yet, because the doctor hasn’t put you on them yet, but honestly who do you talk to that would shame you for being on medication?”
“You’re the only one I talk to,” Jeremy sheepishly admitted.
“Exactly. Will I look down on you for that?”
“Of course not!”
“Then neither should you.”
Kerass helped usher him out the door. Meeting up to walk to the doctor together was the only time that they spent time together, but it was so precious that he cherished every moment. It was truly an honor to be a part of Jeremy’s process of getting better.
Jay walked into the apartment. Francis and Gil stood before him in bathrobes. Instantly they disrobed in front of him. This was even more awkward than having an intimate moment with Gus.
“How do you like your Christmas present, sweetheart?” Francis asked.
“You can have either or both of us and do whatever you want.”
Screw love, intimacy and connection. It was all fleeting anyway. He never saw that it was long lasting and always ended in tragedy via break up or death. Jay took off his shirt. It was time to finally get it over with.
Kerass pushed the doorbell. He had never used it before. He had no need as he always had a key to the house, but that hadn’t been true for years.
The door opened.
“Hi, dad.”
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