The stands were empty as football tryouts occurred. Everybody was on the field, which was exactly where Kerass wanted to be, but he couldn’t force himself to even face his former teammates, not in the hallways and especially not on the field. So there he remained, unseen, underneath the football stands on the gravel where he got a clear view of everyone’s game or lack thereof to be honest. He could tell that the team was going to be terrible this year. He knew that he could help the team, but the further along his high school career he got, the more he realized that he wasn’t talented enough to carry a team all on his own.
“Thought I’d find you here,” Gus said behind him. Kerass recognized his voice instantly before turning around visually acknowledging what his brain already knew.
“I guess I’m lucky someone knows me well enough,” Kerass began. He continued saying how hard it was to watch the tryouts occur, but that he felt the need to do so anyways.
“You need company right now.”
Kerass nodded. Gus sat down beside him putting a comforting hand on his shoulder. Kerass gripped Gus’s hand, silently thanking him for the gesture before they both stared at the field together.
“I’m sorry that I’ve taken time away from your girlfriend,” Kerass began, but Gus simply shook his head.
“It’s nothing to worry about.”
“You two haven’t seen each other for a while. I guess I feel slightly responsible.”
Gus had been courteous enough to be honest with him about their relationship over the summer, but it hadn’t bothered him in the slightest. He was definitely over Cadence. He had much more pressing issues to think about than who she was dating.
“You are not that powerful. No, me and Cadence are capable of messing things up all by ourselves.”
Silence ensued. Kerass didn’t need to talk, he just needed someone to sit beside him as he grappled with the reality that his senior year wouldn’t involve him playing football. He had lied to his father out of anger. He did love the sport, yet he hated the pressure that amounted from it. However, it was undeniable that despite all the things he hated about being the quarterback, the fakeness, the false love, the hatred when he messed up, the knowledge that he could never amount to what his father wanted him to be, none of that lessened the blow that leaving something behind he knew so well wasn’t a comfort at all. He knew that the sport would no longer be part of his daily routine in the fall and it broke his heart, but not enough to force him into action. When he looked at Gus though, he saw the same longing in his eyes that he knew was in himself.
“You want to be out there too, don’t you?” Kerass observed compassionately.
Gus nodded. The thought occurred to Kerass that it must be too painful for him to express in words.
“Why are you hiding here with me then?”
Gus looked at him, locking eyes, never straying, but Kerass felt no need to look away for he felt that comfortable with him. “Because my own happiness, my desire to play the game, it isn’t as important as being there for you, my friend, because you need me a lot more than I need my own happiness.”
It was one of the kindest things Kerass had ever heard. While he hated admitting that it was true, he felt truly lucky that Gus could read him well enough to know what he needed.
“Thank you,” he was able to choke out, fighting back tears.
“Don’t mention it. Let’s just watch them play.”
They remained silent throughout the rest of the tryouts, but Kerass felt better already. He felt he had never been closer to anyone else, not Jay, not Cadence, especially not his father, than he did to Gus and yet he still couldn’t bring himself to share all of his secrets with him and feared that he’d never get to a place where he felt consistently happy about who he was. He knew he drained the fun out of everyone around him, but Gus didn’t seem phased by it at all. Cadence’s wish sophomore year for him to be friends with Gus had finally come to fruition.
“You are so overthinking this,” Jay challenged Cadence.
It wasn’t exactly the type of response she wanted to hear, but she’d just have to go with it for now. He didn’t understand what she was going through, but perhaps it was right to be put in her place.
“You’re still friends with me, right?” Cadence asked, holding her breath, awaiting an answer.
“Course,” Jay reassured her. He proceeded to ask her why she felt the need to ask the question. “I mean, isn’t it obvious that I care for you?”
“Yeah,” she said out loud. Internally she wasn’t so sure. She guessed he cared for her, but she couldn’t stop thinking about what Lyra had said. There was a bit of truth in her accusations and it bothered her because she realized she had done the same thing to Jay. She had accused Jay of being creepy, which, ok, was still true, but he was a lot less creepy. Admittedly that wasn’t much of a consolation prize but she had grown more accustomed to him. They both were very concerned about Kerass and she could tell that Jay felt as powerless to help him as she did.
“I’m sorry that after freshmen year we sorta grew apart,” she offered timidly.
“It’s nothing,” he gently replied. “I needed to grow a lot and I still don’t feel like I’m there just yet.”
“You’re more mature than I am.”
“Ain’t that the truth.”
Cadence rolled her eyes at him.
“It’s just a joke,” Jay defended himself.
“Why are we even out here?” Cadence asked. They had been walking around the school in circles just talking away. She daren’t mention how Gus left her behind at school a week ago. They hadn’t talked since, but her relationship with Gus, whether it was just in a strain or ending was none of Jay’s business and she was very impressed that he hadn’t asked her about it.
“I get that you’re really bummed out and I think you need something, a community to help distract you from that,” he paused taking a breath. “At least it worked for me.”
As they rounded the corner of the school’s back parking lot, Cadence saw the flags twirling in the air.
The audition for color guard was non-existent for Jay. Mr. Martin just gave him a smile and told him how happy he was to see him back on the team. He came through with his promise. No questions were asked and he was added on without any audition. Jay wanted to stay behind to watch Cadence audition, but he was too nervous for her. It could be a total bust anyways. When he looked over to the football field, it felt strange not seeing Kerass there throwing that ball. His heart broke every time he thought about Kerass, but if he refused to let him in, there was nothing he could do.
Something else took him off guard. Jeremy was on the field and from the looks of it he was God-awful, yet he was still better than over half the rest of the people on the field who couldn’t catch a ball if the fate of the world depended upon it. Where could Kerass be? It was a question that kept probing, poking the back of his mind, but more importantly, why was Jeremy trying out for the team? It raised a lot of questions. Was the only reason that he stepped down from leading the Christian group so he could be pummeled while charging down the field? It didn’t make any sense to him, but neither did it make sense to anyone else when he ditched theater to do color guard for the marching band. It didn’t exactly go down that way, but in essence he hadn’t even thought of going on stage again since his freshmen year. What had he been thinking? If Jeremy was going to branch out by doing that stupid game of football, then Jay could force himself to go back to his roots and audition again for the spring show, which nobody seemed to know what it would be, but he had a feeling that it would be announced soon. He could always talk to Jeremy later. Knowing how their friendship had been going, he probably wouldn’t listen to a word he said anyways. Sure it might conflict with marching band rehearsal, but having that final experience on the high school stage, that was so much more important.
As Kerass walked to his car more upset than ever by watching the tryouts he wasn’t part of, Lyra walked over to him and instantly hugged him.
“What was that for?” Kerass asked.
“You needed it.”
For whatever reason, the explanation was acceptable to him. She just knew.
“Listen,” Lyra paused. She continued saying it was difficult to ask. “Would you consider going on a hike with me?”
“Uh, sure I guess. Can’t do it anytime soon, but I’m sure we can find time later.”
“In the fall perhaps? When the leaves are changing?”
“We could walk over the fallen leaves.”
“Exactly.”
“Well, I’d best be off.”
“Thank you,” Lyra said, hugging him before she whisked herself away. Lyra was walking home again, but Kerass didn’t have the strength or the energy to ask to give her a ride home, not when he had 30 minutes of driving before him. He started the ignition and took off.
Cadence was walking to the school parking lot, trying to figure out how she’d get a ride home since Jay had forced her to miss her bus, when she felt his arms wrap around her from behind. Gus had the power to make her feel so comfortable, yet she couldn’t help but feel alone. He had left her.
“Why did you leave me alone in the school parking lot the other day?” she asked Gus, locking eyes with him.
“Oh, about that, it was nothing. It’s nothing for you to worry about.”
“I’m not worried. I’m just bitter,” she replied.
“Well, there’s no need to be. I just needed to help out a friend, that’s all.”
“Why?” she asked. She continued asking why he couldn’t have explained this sooner as opposed to pretending that the growing tension between them didn’t exist. “I want you to be able to trust me enough to tell me these things.”
“Yeah and when are you going to trust me?” he confronted.
“I’m not following.”
“When are you going to talk about what happened overseas?”
“Whenever you grow up and stop asking,” she said turning her back on him.
“I was driving Kerass home, not that you needed to know that,” he added as an aside.
“Kerass?” Cadence asked turning around. “You’ve been talking with Kerass?”
Gus nodded.
“For how long?”
“All summer.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because you never asked.”
It wasn’t much of an answer, but what could she anticipate from Gus? The fact that he was Kerass’s friend and she wasn’t weighed down on her like a ton of bricks. Perhaps she needed Gus’s love now more than ever, but she still couldn’t force herself to trust him with her darkest secret.
“Could we just start all over again?” Cadence begged.
“I don’t think that’d be healthy for either of us.”
“What are you saying? Do you want us to take a break?”
“No, not yet,” he whispered.
“Will you just take me home?” she choked, forcing the words out.
Without saying a word, they both got in the car. The radio turned off, not a sound was heard on the drive back home, but internally her thoughts screamed at her. Cadence never once acknowledged him during the ride, instead she just stared out the window crying.
“How’d your try out go?” Jay asked Jeremy on the drive home.
“It went fine, I guess,” he paused adding that it wasn’t anything special. “What about you? How’d your audition go?”
“I didn’t have to audition, major plus, but I convinced Cadence to audition.”
“Good for you,” Jeremy added while he glanced down at his phone and began to text yet again behind the wheel.
“What are you freaking serious?” Jay blurted out. “What is wrong with you man? Why are you texting again?”
“I can see the road fine, don’t you fret about that.”
“Would you ever text on the field?”
“No because I could be pummeled by the opposing team.”
“And what would you do if another car pummeled you?” Jay challenged.
“That’d never happen. Trust me. I’m a good driver. I know what I’m doing.”
“I bet you do,” Jay muttered under his breath. Fuming with anger he stared out the window not daring enough to continue the conversation further.
“What have you been doing in there?” Kerass’s roommate, Bryce asked. He continued saying that Kerass had been in the bathroom forever. “I mean, like, what are you like masturbating in there?”
“No!” Kerass replied defensively. “Thanks for that though. That was very Christian of you to ask.”
“Anytime buddy.”
Kerass blocked out the rest of what Bryce was saying. Knowing it was nothing more than a temporary fix, he looked away as the drops of blood fell into the sink.
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